13x10 - The House Queens

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

SHE LAUGHS

No way!

Er... Gosh!

Where's the hole?

Honk, honk!

Urgh! Ahh! Uhh!

Are you having a laugh?

Oh!

THEY GASP

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome!

Welcome to the Taskmaster
Series grand final!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It has been an incredible journey.

We've all seen athleticism,
mental agility,

and chess grand master tactics -

just not on this programme.

But we have seen five fine comedians
trying their very best.

Who will rise to the top?

Who will become
the emperor of nonsense,

the crown prince of the pointless,

the monarch of being
a right silly billy?

Only time will tell.
Let us greet them for the last time.

Ardal O'Hanlon...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Bridget Christie...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Chris Ramsey...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Judi Love...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Sophie Duker!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me,
my faithful servant -

a man who once told me after
a few drinks that he has

a separate bank account that
his wife doesn't know about.

HIGH-PITCHED:
It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEY GROWL

So up for this!
Oh, man, you seem really pumped.

Ahh!

Ah, you love a final, don't you?

Love a final! Ohh.

I'm wearing my combat
pre-ripped suit.

And I'm ready, so let's... Cool.

Let's just do it, Greg.

You look really cool. Ahh!
Let's just do it!

LAUGHTER

I had a Lucozade, shall we start?

What is the final prize task
category of the series, please?

They've been asked to bring in
the finest family heirloom.

Ooh!
AUDIENCE OOHS

Exactly. The finest family heirloom,
in your opinion, will gain five

fine points for its owner.

And, at the end of this episode,
the person with the most points

will take home their family heirloom

and four other people's
family heirlooms,

which feels so wrong,
it must be right.

So, sell me your family heirlooms. Christopher.

My finest family heirloom is
an antique Italian coffee table.

It sounds very stylish.
AUDIENCE OOHS

It is. Here it is.

It was purchased by my mum's mum
and dad in the ' s, I believe.

Surprisingly tasteful
for a ' s item.

Yeah. You open the top
of that bad boy,

and it plays the theme
from The Godfather.

Ooh.

That is a strong opener.

Sophie, can you b*at a coffee table
that plays the Godfather theme?

I think I can.

It's not Italian...
but it is a rice cooker.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God! No.

ARDAL: I hope it plays music
when you open it.

There's an ancient African proverb.

It goes, "There is rice at home."

When you're a little kid
and you go out to the shops,

and you see a chocolate bar,
your mum's like,

"There's rice at home."

You see a margherita pizza,
your mum's like,

"There's rice at home."

- You see a PlayStation - rice.
- Rice. LAUGHTER

Is this the actual rice cooker
from when you were a child?

This is the actual rice cooker
from when I was a child.

That's quite cute.
It's never made imperfect rice,

and it fills up not just my belly
but my soul.

Wow...wow!

Don't try and emotionally
manipulate him.

I've gotta be honest, Ardal -

she's done a pretty good job of
emotionally manipulating me.

Your turn, though. Oh, sh*t.
Can you do the same?

Erm, I brought a, erm,
a biscuit tin.

Whoa. Hm.

I inherited that from my mother,
who got it from her mother.

And her mother, er,
as a baby, arrived in Ireland

with very few possessions in ,
when Europe was in turmoil.

That's good.

And it's what's in the biscuit tin,
I suppose, is what's really relevant

and what's really poignant.

What we were told it was, was
my granny's papers, her birth cert.

You shorten that, do you?
Just interesting that you short...

A birth cert.
You shortened birth certificate.

Birth certificate, like,
I mean, we've got lots of time,

I can use the full word.

LAUGHTER

So, the trouble with you is,
there's part of me that thinks

you've just made all of that up.

So, I don't mock your ancestry,
do I?

Do I go on about the Welsh giants
you were descended from?

LAUGHTER

I'll take some time to decide
whether I believe any of that.

Bridget. The most precious thing
that has been handed down...

..is DNA.

My proudest achievement,
the thing that is most precious...

Excuse me, can I just -
and I hate to interrupt so early...

Oh, no, that is very rude.
You've just...

He made me say the whole word
for "cert," so I think

the least you could do is...

LAUGHTER
..DNA.

What, deoxyribonucleic acid?

CHEERING

APPLAUSE
Oh-ho-ho!

In your face, Ardal!

My proudest achievement
is my children.

I have brought a box with
my children's teeth and hair,

and umbilical cord stumps,
and pregnancy kits in it.

Yes, she has. And there it is.

And when they've gone,
I will have that, and...

CHRIS: Unless you lose tonight.

LAUGHTER

Then it will be given away
to one of four virtual strangers.

Well, I don't think they'll want it.

LAUGHTER

It is very touching. Judi?

JUDI: My family heirloom...

LAUGHTER

..is my blood.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

We're really pushing what
kids want to inherit.

Well, the reality is my blood's been
passed down from generation

to generation, to generation.

And it will continue to pass down.

And if they need more,
I can give them more.

LAUGHTER

Under what circumstances would your
children need a vial of your blood?

A medical thing, a ritual thing.

And that blood is going
to carry on a legacy.

Cos it'll be in my kid's body,
their kid's body...

Yeah, but it's already in them.
What's this necklace?

LAUGHTER

This necklace is if
my blood starts to disappear.

They can still have my blood.

Just so you know,
you can store blood for days.

Do you want to... LAUGHTER

Do you want to judge?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The least obvious heirloom
is probably

a small bottle of blood.

But I've got to recognise what
an amazing bullshitter Judi Love is.

I'm going to give her points.

Ah. OK.

I really want a coffee table
that plays The Godfather.

I was touched by the rice maker.

I've chosen to believe
Ardal's biscuit tin story.

So, I'm going to give
them all points. OK.

But Bridget's - when I saw that
little box, I thought,

"Even in many years,
I'd be touched by that."

And I'm going to give Bridget
a sweet .

There we go.
Bridget Christie gets points!

APPLAUSE

All right. Right, let's get this
final properly under way!

Yes, here we go.

And this is the perfect task
to whet the appetite.

Ooh!

SHE SNIFFS
Hello, Judi.

What is that damn smell?
What do you think it is?

I don't know. Smells like potato.

Oh.

Oh, it just comes off.

Ahh.

Whew.

"Identify the liquids."

"Most accurately identified
liquids wins."

"You have ten minutes."

"Your time starts now."

This is foul.

CHRIS: Oh, shut up man.
There's summat in there.

Oh, that is grotesque.

Am I supposed to be tasting stuff?

All the instructions
are on the items. OK.

Liquid identification is a...

I would say it's a forte of mine.

It's just the main liquids, though.

What are the five main liquids?

The brandy, the water...
and the milk.

Er, they're the only three
I'm familiar with.

GREG: Ardal's right, of course,
there are only three liquids -

the brandy, the water, and the milk.

So, it shouldn't be hard
to track them down.

Let's cr*ck on.

OK, well, let's cr*ck on
with Chris and Bridget.

BRIDGET: "You may only spray
the perfume on your wrist."

Pickled onion.

That's the water from
a jar of pickled onions.

Well, that's...it might be vinegar.

"You may only spray the sponge" -

but then, I can do whatever
I want with the sponge.

What do you want to do
with the sponge?

Sniff it, lick it,
tell it I love it.

I think it's like lemon squash,
or something.

It's like a strawberry...
rosy pink lemonade, kind of thing.

"You may only squeeze
the pipette into your mouth."

Is it Pot Noodle water?

Is it beef stock?

It's like watery soy sauce.

OK, I'll put that down. OK.

"You may only push the valve
with the chopstick."

That's ridiculous - and it's warm!

It's warm. Why is it warm?

Oh, crikey!

Old tea, I think.

Still got four minutes.

That's tea. Ah.

"You can do whatever you want
with the balloon."

Just smells like a balloon.

That looks absolutely revolting.

Oh, it's got bits in it!

BALLOON SQUELCHES

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Oh, there it is.
What the hell is that?

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Mm...what are them bits?

Oh, what's happening?

What is that?

It smells like, like a...
a yeasty thing.

But why is it that texture?

Is "balloon juice" a thing?

WHISTLE BLOWS Bugger.

Well, I've written "balloon juice".

HE GROANS

APPLAUSE

"Is balloon juice a thing" is going
in the Taskmaster Book of Quotes.

Congratulations. Thank you.

And I really loved,
"It's warm, why is it warm?!"

Erm, just start telling me what
they did successfully.

They both got tea, 'course they did.

Vinegar - Chris actually located it
to a jar of pickled onions,

which is very impressive.

He also got stock -
he said it was beef stock.

It was vegetable stock.
That's fair.

I think we have to acknowledge
the word "stock".

So, I think Bridget got two.
Chris got three.

Right, we're stopping again.
Right now, watch...now!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back
to our Series final!

CHEERING

Yes, nearly there, and then,

it's the wrap party afterwards,
isn't it?

I've heard there's a wrap party.

But I still haven't had my invite
to the wrap party.

Bef...before the break,
everyone was trying to identify

the liquids we prepared for them.

Now, here's how Sophie, Ardal,
and Judi got on.

Urgh! Uh...

Tastes like chicken soup.

That is stock of some sort.

I would say it's a beef stock?

The more accurate, the better.
Feel free to...

Right, a Charolais cow -
beef stock from a Charolais cow.

That's a fruit juice.

Could be passion fruit?

That smells like lychee...
fizzy drink.

It's like...lychee juice.

It smells like...
like onion vinegar.

I don't want to spray this
on my wrist.

Vinegar.

Oh. Smell like a packet of
salt-and-vinegar crisps.

That is liquidised crisps.

What flavour? It's prawn cocktail.

But liquidised? Yeah.

Oh.

SNIFFS LOUDLY

Tea. Tea? Yeah.

You have six-and-a-half minutes. OK.

All right, I believe in you.

I'm going to leave it till last.

"You can do whatever you want
with the balloon."

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST

Ohh!

SLOWED-DOWN: Ooh!

SHE SCREAMS

I hate you so much! Right, yeah.

That smells like vomit.

Oh, don't, don't...don't be crazy.

That is renk!

Mushroom, it's mushroom soup.

That is mushroom soup.

"You may only push the valve
with the chopstick."

OK, should've done that one
before the mushroom soup.

Pop the...

Sophie.

That's just the lid of the valve.

You can take it off.
Thank you for telling me.

That is very strong tea. Right.

That's tea. OK.

So, it's really just the pipette.

It's slightly fizzy.

It tastes like ass.

Is it Dr Pepper?
WHISTLE BLOWS

Shall we leave it at that.
I think so, yeah.

I mean, I'm covered in it.

So sorry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So sweet, watching you trying to
get the lid off a bicycle valve

with some chopsticks.

It's like you're playing a whole
different game of Taskmaster.

I spent, like, about
five minutes doing that.

Yeah, you did. But you did well.

Got lychee, got tea, got mushroom
soup, got onion vinegar.

ARDAL: Well, you helped her.

You gave her an extra clue
that you didn't give any of us.

What was the clue? He told you
that you could use your hand to open

the lid on the valve thing
of the tyre.

You would still be there with those
chopsticks trying to get that off

if it wasn't for his intervention.
I'd have figured it out eventually.

I've got to be honest, Ardal -
since you've come out here in

that red leather jacket,
you've developed a real attitude.

And you were reckless
with the balloon pop.

You were more reckless
than I thought -

especially as you thought
it was vomit.

Really and truly,
it could've been classed as vomit,

cos once it burst, it started to
mix with all the other stuff.

And that's really what vomit is.

That's what vomit is. Yeah.

I didn't realise that your nose
was such a powerful w*apon

in your arsenal.

Lychee - straight. Yeah.

Genuinely impressive.

So, a very cautious woman who's
only choosing to use one sense.

Mm-hm. Did pretty well. Yes.

By stark contrast,
Ardal just seemed hungry.

LAUGHTER

He got the tea, he got stock,
he got mushroom soup -

so for Ardal.

Judi got lychee, vinegar, tea -
so that's another points.

Lovely. Sophie got the most,
she got four.

Ardal, Judi, and Chris
all got three, Bridget two.

So, to Bridget, to Ardal,
to Judi, to Chris,

- and to Sophie!
- Easy. CHEERING

I would like a nice early
scoreboard, please, Alex.

OK, well, we're all hoping Judi
will win an episode finally,

but she's currently in last place
with points,

and Sophie's in the lead
with points!

APPLAUSE

Give me another one!

Of course! Well, here they come.

Three wheels, two horns, a bell,
and a vast quantity of ducks.

JUDI: Alex?

Where's Alex?

Alex always helps. Alex!

CHRIS: Hm. Arrows.

ARDAL: Ducks.

Can never have enough ducks.

I feel like ducks are
my natural enemy.

Sometimes people mispronounce
my name as Sophie Duck-er

and I hate it.

Oh, no.

"Get the most ducks in
Alex's basket."

"You may only hold
one duck at a time."

"If Alex rings his backwards bell,

"you must walk backwards until
he honks his forwards horn."

"Alex will pedal as fast as
he can unless you say

"one of the magic words."

"If you say a magic word,
Alex will rest for ten seconds." Oh.

"All the magic words are
single-use magic words."

"Alex will cycle round
the circuit for ten minutes."

"Your time starts when Alex
honks his horn."

BRIDGET: You can only hold
one at a time.

No, surely not.

GREG: Good. Can I ask you
before we watch this -

did you regret this task
once you had to cycle lots? Yes.

I've been told that you were in
a great deal of pain. Yes.

And I am very much looking
forward to it. Right.

Who are we going to see first?

It's Ardal and Chris up first.

That's right,
the basic boys ride again!

"Backwards bell, forwards horn."

Magic words.

Just random magic words?
HORN HONKS

Oh, my God!

Ah! Alex, come back.

HORN HONKS

Ah.

Here I come.

I don't know the magic words.
I don't know what they are.

No. Shazam.

Abracadabra.

Monkey!

BELL RINGS
Abracadabra?

No, it's not one of the magic words?
No.

Er, fiddlesticks? No.

Flash.
BELL RINGS

HORN HONKS

Where are these magic words?!

Shoes. No.

Quack. Closer.

Annoying?

BRAKES SQUEAL
Ohh!

APPLAUSE

That was...that was nice.

Duck? Nearly.

BELL RINGS
Ducky?

BRAKES SQUEAL

Duckling? No.

Goose? Headboy?

Headboy?

Architecture.

CHRIS LAUGHS
I hate you! I absolutely hate you!

BELL RINGS
Oh, God.

You still looking for
the magic word? Yeah.

OK.

This is absolutely horrible.

Ah...ten seconds.

HORN HONKS, BELL RINGS

PANTING: You're a psychopath...
you're a psychopath.

APPLAUSE

Feel really disappointed about
not getting the magic words.

You still looking for
the magic words? Yeah.

OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A fairly impressive start,
I would say.

Which magic words were identified?

Ardal incorrectly
shouted "architect".

Well, he shouted things.

Have you got a list?
Of course I've got a list.

He started well with shazam,
abracadabra, and monkey.

The three big magic words. Yeah.

Very quickly with things like
blazers, trouble, shoes, sausages.

So, he didn't get any of the
magic words, but he said...

Well, I was very close.
You were very close, you were.

I mean, I wanted you to get one
so I could have a rest,

but you didn't get any.

But Chris did. Chris got
"annoying" and "ducky".

All right, I won't tell you any
numbers yet, Greg. All right, then.

We've seen them
beetle about after me -

but now, it's Sophie and me,
and Bridget, and a trike,

and some ducks!

HORN HONKS

Oh, he's honked his horn. Right.

Oh, one at a time -
that can't be right, can it?

I should probably be doing it
in a different way, I think.

BELL RINGS

Ah. Now...mm...

Hello.

You all right?

Ahh! Quite a lot of ducks
left over there.

Oh, is "ducky" a magic word?

BRAKES SQUEAL

How long do you have to
stay there for? Seven more seconds.

Not sure you're making
the most of it.

Is there anything I can use
to keep you in...

Oh, can I take it off?

I've got to go now.

APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

Sophie. Yeah?
I don't want to run you over.

I have to follow those arrows.
PANTING: OK...uh-huh.

BELL RINGS
You have to walk backwards now.

Yeah, but I'm here doing this,
I'm busy.

Yeah - oh.

It's frustrating cos the arrows
are pointing at each other now.

HORN HONKS

APPLAUSE

I don't like this.

Doing really well. Thank you.

HORN HONKS

HORN HONKS

SHE GIGGLES

Frustrating. Thanks, Bridget.

Bye-bye, thank you so much.
No, thank you.

BOTH PANTING

You wrote the task.

You didn't have to make
yourself do that.

I do everything for him.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is probably a
sad indictment on my life,

that I found "I do everything
for him" genuinely touching.

AUDIENCE AWWS

JUDI: Ah, that's so sweet!

Erm, there was genius moves
going on there.

I thought the reversing of
the arrows so that this fool

had to spin before you
was delightful.

And Bridget, the ripping off
of the basket...

I didn't know it would come off.

I almost stood up and cheered.

LAUGHTER

Cos I knew this tosspot had
to carry on cycling round,

while you stacked the b...

My grandmother used to call me
a tosspot, genuinely.

Yeah? And then, I thought about
what that might mean.

What is a tosspot? A thing you
toss odds and sods into...

Oh, OK, I was thinking
too much about it, right.

Right, let's leave things there
a moment and have a rest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello!

Thank you, welcome back.

And listen up - the competition
will soon be over, but I refuse

to let things continue until
I've seen Judi Love try to fill

a basket on a trike with ducks.

You're in luck, Greg, but I do first
want to remind you that they can

only hold one duck at a time.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Here we go, it's Judi Love!

HORN HONKS

Hello, Judi. Can you stop, please?

Not unless you say a magic word.

Thank you?

BRAKES SQUEAL
Oh!

Hello, Judi. Hello.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh.

Are you all right? Yeah,
I'm all right, I'd like to cycle.

Judi...

The chain's come off.

Broken the bike.

I need to mend the bike.

HE STRUGGLES

AUDIENCE OOHS

What's happened, Alex?
Let me have a look.

I don't want you to have a look,
you broke it.

But the time's going! I know.

Here we go, all right.

OK, come back round, Alex.
I don't like running.

Alex, you all right?

BELL RINGS

HORN HONKS
Alex!

Stop, stop. Stop.

Hold on a minute, Alex.

Judi... Judi...

Come on, quickly,
we've got seconds.

Alex, get down.

Ooh!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Well, thank you, Judi.

Is your bike all right now?
Yeah, it's good, it's fine.

And this chain's perfect. OK.

Yeah. Thanks, Judi.
HORN HONKS

Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, it wasn't a huge surprise
to me that you, er,

physically intimidated him.

Felt quite sorry for you.

Thank you, thank you.
I was quite desperate.

I didn't notice you handling more
than one duck at a time

till afterwards, cos I was
so upset about the bike.

I never had more than
one duck at a time.

No, what you need to understand -

the ducks felt some motherly
instincts from me.

LAUGHTER

They wanted to be nursed
in these breasts.

How am I supposed to say "no"
to the little ducklings, huh?

How am I supposed to do that?

♪ La-la-la-la-la...

She broke the rules, yeah?
Yes, absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

♪ La-la-la... ♪

She broke the rules and the bike -
so unfortunately, Judi...

Judi did get ducks in my basket.

I saved ducks' life!

They weren't in danger!

They were - listen, they were in...
They're plastic, Judi!

Yes, so the numbers were that
Bridget got all of the ducks

into the basket. Yeah.

Chris actually got more than Sophie,
despite Sophie's system, four more.

Chris , Sophie , Ardal .

So, those are sort of the numbers.
Yeah. Yeah.

Although, before you score it,

I do have to show you
one more video.

Remember how well
Bridget Christie did?

She did also do this.

"You can only hold one at a time."

No, surely not.

"You may only hold
one duck at a time."

"One duck, one duck at a..."

"Only hold one duck at a time."

That can't be right.

"One at a time" -
that can't be right.

One in each hand? No, one at a time.

Is it really only one at a time?
That can't be right.

Can't be right, no, surely not.

Right, I've done one at a time.

ECHOING: One at a time...

..one at a time. One duck.

There you go. I'm so sorry.

APPLAUSE

I don't take any pleasure
in that at all.

It's totally fair.

AUDIENCE AWWS

Well, that's no fun. LAUGHTER

What a heartbreaking end.

Let's award the points.

Yes, well, it's Ardal, points,
Sophie, points,

but Chris gets the full points!
There it is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is it time for the final task?

It is - and also, it's time for
the final team task of the series.

So, for the last time, let's see
the Fab Five face the music.

GREG WHISTLES

Hello, Ardal. Hi.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, Chris. Hello!

You started, have you, Bridget?

LAUGHTER

BRIDGET: Sorry, has our time
started yet?

Maybe it has. It maybe has.

OK.

Do you have a hairy chest?

Yeah...well, yes.

I think you look quite dapper.

Yeah. Oh, OK.

Oh, so that's now.

Yes, I wish I did.
Can you open the task, please?

"Record the best multi-track
song about your team."

Oh, godammit.

"You must record all six tracks
with your voice or body."

"And each person must record
the same number of tracks."

"Most powerful multi-track
song wins."

"You have minutes."

Worth reading the last line,
I think, in full.

Erm, do you think?
Should we read the last line?

"Your time starts now."

Great. So, one of us could beatbox.

I mean, I could whistle.

Can anyone sing? No.

Well, I have been told a few times
that, you know, my voice...

OK, you're going to sing. OK!

Track one, b*at. Yeah.
Track two, cymbal. OK.

Track three, some kind of
rattling noise. Yes, yes.

Track four, vocals. Vocals, yes.

Track five, vocals. OK.

Track six, er, a humming,
or some sh*t.

Yes, yes, I like that. OK.

THEY HUM

SOPHIE VOCALISES

BRIDGET WHISTLES

That's one song right there.

That'll do, that will...
We'll do that, then.

ARDAL: I mean, obviously,
we're hugely inspired by Taskmaster.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah.
Always keep that in mind, OK?

I do like the sycophantic
angle, I really do.

Yeah, but we can't make it
too unsubtle, you know what I mean?

Right, OK.
You've got to let him know.

Well, we could say we do it
sort of for you.

Do it with you in mind.
With you mind.

Let's just freestyle. We're like
the freestyle house queens.

That's quite good. House Queens.
House Queens. That's good.

ARDAL: Something about
how unbreakable we are as a team.

What's an unbreakable thing,
like what...?

Diamond. Diamond, yeah.

We're actually called
The Water Diamonds.

Er, so "by The Water Diamonds".

The Water Diamonds are a
band from Fleetwood.

You're joking. No.
They're already a band.

The Tungsten Diamonds?
Just checking it now.

Why have we wasted at least five
minutes coming up with a band name,

when that is not really
the most important thing of

this whole godforsaken task?

APPLAUSE

Well, straight away,
I think The House Queens seem to be

driven by a baseless confidence.

They were full of confidence.

Bridget went her own way - sure,
whistling like my grandfather.

Er, perhaps less confident
in the boys.

You sort of had the energy of,
sort of, two low-level bank clerks

at a training day.

And they've come up with an
uplifting anthem to show you

their love for you -
but not too obviously.

Oh, good. I wouldn't want you
to show it too obviously.

Here we go.

It's a really old boyband called
The Tungsten Diamonds.

CHRIS BEATBOXES

♪ Chris, Chris, Chris,
oh, Chris, Chris

♪ Ardal and Chris, Chris and Ardal

♪ Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris

ARDAL SCATS

ARDAL VOCALISES

♪ Blood is thicker than water
# Taskmaster

♪ That's what they say,
that's what they say

♪ But our team juice is even
thicker than blood

♪ Er, yeah

♪ We care, we really, really care

♪ In a high five stand-off,
we'll take your f*cking hand off

♪ Score a hat trick with
a yoga ball, stag do banter

♪ We know it all,
cooler than ice sliding down a pole

♪ And if you want to aubergine
shifted, give us a call

♪ You put an aubergine in my mouth
# Ardal and Chris, Chris and Ardal

♪ You put an aubergine in my mouth

♪ But you care,
and we want to please Mr T

♪ We love you, Mr T

♪ Everything we do,
we do it with you in mind, Mr T

♪ You inspire me...and Chris.

♪ Chris, Chris, Chris

♪ You put an aubergine in my mouth

CHRIS VOCALISES

♪ Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris.

♪ I love you, Chris

"CHRIS" ECHOES

♪ Ardal and Chris... ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I literally don't know
what's going on.

I-I don't know what I've just heard.

Annoyingly, the couple of tasks that
I rapped about haven't been shown

in the series, so that's...
including the aubergine one. Yeah.

So, that's just gobblegook.

Well, that's good to know, cos I
literally thought you'd gone mad.

I don't know what he's talking,
about this aubergine t...

The women didn't have to do
an aubergine task.

I think he's making that up. OK.

I put an aubergine in his mouth!

I don't think we'd make you
do that. Yeah! I can't...

You've got to believe us!

It doesn't sound like this show.

LAUGHTER

Right, we've just got one
itty bitty part left to go.

I'm going to miss these guys.
I don't always say that.

But that doesn't make it any
less scripted.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back my dear, dear friends.

It's the final part
of our grand final.

Isn't that exciting, Alex?

LAUGHTER

I'm s... I'm so sorry Greg.

QUIETLY: It's OK. We all need
to unwind sometimes.

Well, I know, but I should've
been concentrating.

Hey, I've got you a ticket
for the party later.

JUDI GASPS

AUDIENCE AWWS

Thank you so much.

It's all good, where were we?

Well, the teams are trying to make
the most powerful multitrack song.

We've seen the boys
make beautiful music -

now finally, here's Bridget, Judi,
and Sophie's composition.

♪ Welcome to House Queens

JUDI BEATBOXES

BRIDGET WHISTLES

SOPHIE VOCALISES

♪ Goodnight, your majesties.

SOPHIES VOCALISES

BRIDGET WHISTLES

♪ Come on now,
come give me a twirl

♪ We're going to let all
our rhymes unfurl

♪ To the boys and girls
all around the world

♪ Cos you got to listen
to the House Queens

♪ One team, one dream

♪ We all scream for the House Queens

♪ One team, one dream

♪ We all scream for the House Queens

♪ One team, one dream

♪ We all scream for the House Queens

♪ One team, one dream

♪ We all scream

♪ For the House Queens

SOPHIE VOCALISES

♪ Taskmaster thinks faster

♪ We're going to cook you
some pasta.

♪ We're going to take you into
the other room and b*at you

♪ Until you need a "plasta"

♪ Oh, Greg, what you doing?

♪ Why you sitting there
on that throne?

♪ Cos when the House Queens come
into the Taskmaster house

♪ You're going to be left all alone

♪ One team, one dream

♪ We all scream for the House Queens

♪ One team, one dream,

♪ We all scream for the House Queens

♪ Enter the House Queens... ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God. I mean, mm-hmm...

I feel foolish for doubting that
that whistle would fit in.

Like a glove! Absolutely slid in.

In the song, I appear to be being
fed pasta before you b*at me

and "give me a plaster".

Yeah. That's how you show love.
With carbs, pasta.

Was there any, any aubergine
in this pasta?

No, but there's rice at home, Chris.

JUDI: I never doubted
the House Queens.

ARDAL: The House Queens and Bez.

LAUGHTER

BRIDGET: You know, it's...

I've got to defend Bridget,

because Bez never whistled on
any of those tracks.

Thank you! She also provided all
the percussion, the stomping.

Yeah, the stamping,
which was crucial.

That was quite hard to do, actually.

Yeah, the dance style.
Oh, yeah. It was unique.

Well, I...

It was more flamboyant
than that, Greg.

Do you want to see
the dancing again?

I'd love to see the dancing again.
Oh, don't.

LAUGHTER

It actually brought me to mind
of something that happened

earlier on in the series.

Do you remember a bit when Bridget
was walking, and it was funny?

I remember several bits when
I've enjoyed Bridget's walk.

Well, it turns out she dances
exactly the same way as she walks.

LAUGHTER

JUDI: Can we not just talk
about my singing?

The singing was nice.

I mean, they are both
cracking tracks,

let me acknowledge that first.

I don't think there would be
many people who'd question

the superiority of "One Team,
One Dream" for The House Queens.

Going to give the girls
points each. Mm-hm.

But I'm going to give the boys
a sweet points each.

So, to the boys, to the girls!
There it is!

CHEERING

All right, here we go.

Please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the series!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Rahh! Still really pumped.

Ohh. Rahh!

Erm, who's going to read out
the final task, you silly boy?

I would like Judi Love to read
the last one out.

Ahem.

"Draw a life-size self portrait.

"Your nose must be poking through
your nose hole at all times.

"Most accurate self portrait wins.

"You have seconds."

So, you're going to be stepping
behind your canvases,

poking your nose through
the triangle.

So, you won't be able
to see what you're doing,

or what you're doing it with.

Place them behind the canvases!

All right. There you go.

We do need noses protruding
at all times, Greg.

seconds, good luck.

WHISTLE BLOWS

And they're off, Greg.

Ah, yes.

I mean, I've got an
instant favourite, Greg.

LAUGHTER

Features, features, accuracy.

There are some good ones.

There are SOME good ones.

Ah.
LAUGHTER

Remember the features
that you have.

And remember the features
that ALL humans have.

All human beings have.

Erm, I would say - unless you
have a rectangular head,

worth doing an outline.

LAUGHTER

Think about the things you need
to be able to see and hear.

OK, you have just five seconds left.

If you look like a giant frog,
that's great.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, please, stop drawing.

OK, at this point, I'll ask you
to step back on your circles.

Please don't look at your canvases.

Greg, you'll judge,
but first of all,

I'll ask Ardal to step forward.

LAUGHTER

Is it like looking in
the mirror, Ardal?

Similar, yeah.

Just lovely. Bridget, would you like
to step forward and have a look

at your picture?

It's not bad. It isn't bad.

I think I'd get a better idea
if Bridget was dancing.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
Pretty good.

All right, Chris, would you
like to step forward and

have a look at yours?
It's not bad at all.

It's better than I draw when
I'm looking at the canvas.

Are you ready to see yourself, Judi?

Yes.

LAUGHTER

It's absolutely incredible,
isn't it?

Look at the eyes and the eyelashes,
and look at the eye shadow.

If only you could've remembered
the eyes themselves.

LAUGHTER

One left to see - Sophie,
do you want to step forward

and have a look at yours?
Got ears, I've got the hair.

Got the floating eye. The flowers.
No, these are the two eyes.

Yeah, I know that - just one eye
isn't on your f*cking head.

LAUGHTER

Greg, you've got to judge these.

Do you want me to go from the top?

Let's go from the bottom.

Why are you looking at Ardal?

If the eyes weren't directly
on top of the head,

and you got any features right,

I wouldn't be giving you point.

Judi, yours is quite rubbish.
points.

I like Sophie's because I think it
captures something of the woman -

but I don't like it as much
as the other two.

OK, so points to Sophie Duker?

No, I'm going to give
points to Sophie Duker,

and I'm going to give points
to the other two, cos I think

they really do capture each other.

But there's something of the energy
of that that I like.

There we go. So, Bridget and
Chris get the points!

Please come down, let's see how
that's affected the final scores!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come my friends.

Oh, yeah. What a competition.

Rahh! Rawr!

Yes, so you gave out
the scores, Greg. Yes.

And Judi, as we know,
has not won an episode.

And you're building up
to say that she's...

Well, last again, yes, so Judi... LAUGHTER

..at one end of the leaderboard,
it's Judi with .

At the other, points
go to Sophie Duker!

CHEERING
Whoa! Sophie wins the episode!

You're the conflicted winner of
other people's precious heirlooms.

Please go and collect your things!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

You join us for the presentation
of our hallowed trophy.

In just a few moments,
a life will change forever.

So, here we go.

The suspense is immeasurable.

Please, little Alex Horne...
what are the final scores?

Well, in fifth place -

but I do need to make it clear
she is the highest-scoring...

..loser we've ever had,
with points,

it's Judi Love!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On points and wearing
a wonderful leather jacket,

it's Ardal O'Hanlon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In third place with points,
it's the wonderful

Bridget Christie! Bridget.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And then, they've been trading
places throughout the series.

But with points in second place,

we have Chris Ramsey.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. He was right up
there throughout.

And just three points behind,
this series' winner,

who had points.

Our brand-new Taskmaster champion...

..is Sophie Duker!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please take it.

Whoo!

CHEERING CONTINUES

We'll see you next time!