03x01 - The Bride of Bizarro: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Rocketed

from a distant planet,

to a bold new destiny

on Earth,

found by a Kansas family

and raised as Clark Kent,

he learned he possessed

the strength of steel,

the speed of light

and the desire

to help all mankind.

He is Superboy!

[man] Traffic's backed up

on the northbound expressway.

All other routes

are moving along nicely.

The current temperature's

an even 70.

It looks like another

beautiful day, Capital City.

And now it's time for

America's number one

syndicated talk show,

the Judy Hour.

And here's your host,

Judy Donatello!

Thank you, Bob.

I am so excited.

Today is our first day

on our new satellite system

and have we got a show

for you.

It's all about

bizarre relationships.

Now I'm not talking

about opposites attracting

or anything quite

as simple as that,

I'm talking about full out

bizarre relationships.

I'd like you to meet

our first couple.

They met four years ago

when Chris arrested Mike

for aggravated as*ault.

Lex, check this out.

Bizarre relationships.

Doesn't that hit

close to home?

Will you shut up?

I'm trying to think.

You know, that's all

you ever do anymore.

I'm trying to figure out

ways to get ride of Superboy

so we don't have to spend

the rest of our lives

hiding like cockroaches.

As long as we're together.

Well, I guess it pays

to have a good lawyer

now, doesn't it?

- [screaming]

- [clamoring]

They met in a way

that was really

there's no other word for it.

Bizarre.

[clamoring]

- You called Bizarro?

- [screaming]

No, no, no, please, no.

Please, Bizarro, don't!

You say Bizarro?

No, bizarre relationships.

That's what I said.

That what I want.

A relationship?

You want a relationship?

Bizarro want someone

to love.

Lex, I know you told me

to shut up, but look

at this.

What, that inane talk show

Nobody love Bizarro.

Hold the phone.

That's Bizarro.

Me only want someone

to love.

Someone to love.

[laughing]

This guy is beautiful.

You must be joking.

Whoever falls for this guy

would have to be

as ugly as he is.

You know, darling,

you may not be as dumb

as you look.

But hopefully, he is.

[laughing]

[man] Come in.

Come in!

Those articles on

Mr. Jackson.

Mr. Jackson.

My paycheck.

I know it's here.

Somewhere, probably have

$1,000 down here by now.

Those articles

on the Bigfoot sighting,

I distributed them.

You've been an intern here

for what, two weeks?

It's clear to me you have

mastered the fine art

of copying.

Now the big question is

how are you at filing?

OK, I guess,

but I was really hoping

Later for that.

Right now what

I need is for you

to help me find a report

on cattle mutilations.

This one?

For God's sake,

how'd you find it?

Archaeology's my minor.

[telephone rings]

[woman] Mr. Jackson,

your new intern is here.

Kent, go get her,

bring her in here.

New intern, sir?

Is there something wrong

with the work I've been doing?

Kent, would you look

at this stuff?

There is enough work here

for a battalion of interns.

Mr. Jackson.

He's right in there.

Good luck.

Thanks, but I won't need any.

Hey, Clark.

Surprised to see me?

Well, yeah,

but all of the places

to take your internship,

why the Bureau?

Because of what you do here.

You mean filing,

copying, getting coffee.

No way.

I'm not doing any of that.

See, this place

has all the answers

about UFOs,

psychic phenomenon,

monsters.

- I really haven't

- And maybe even Superboy.

Superboy.

Yeah, what could be more

extra normal than him?

Wouldn't you like to know

more about it? I would.

So would I.

[telephone rings]

Hello. Bureau for Extra

Normal Matters.

Ritter speaking.

What?

You gotta be kidding.

On the Judy Show?

So if you're here for action

and adventure, forget it.

You're an intern.

You're not an agent.

You get coffee.

You cover reports

and you stay out of our hair.

You know, the Bureau

has every high tech

gadget you could want,

except a lousy

cable connection.

If you'd open your eyes.

Lang, this is Matt Ritter,

one of the Bureau's finest

field agents.

We've already met.

Dennis, you should see this.

[grunting]

Oh, my God.

It's that thing they created

at Schuster University.

An imperfect

copy of Superboy.

The file said it left earth.

Evidently, he's back.

Bizarro need someone.

Bizarro,

what are you doing here?

Everyone has someone to love.

Everyone but Bizarro.

Easy, Bizarro. Easy.

Remember me?

I'm your friend.

Bizarro has no friend.

Somebody's gonna get hurt.

Me hurt.

You picked a heck of a time

to take a lunch break.

The phones haven't

stopped ringing since

that Bizarro clown

did his guest sh*t

on the Judy Show.

Have there been sightings?

No, but you got other things

to worry about, like the phones.

I went to Schuster to pick up

the duplicator. It's not there.

Stolen?

Gotta be.

Hold on.

Artie, stay with it.

You, man the phones.

You got more important

things to do?

No, I guess not.

Well, that's 12 of them.

That oughta do it.

I just don't get it, Lex.

Why bizarro pigeons?

They're bizarro homing pigeons.

I'll give you a hint.

Birds of a feather

Flock together.

Ahh.

Lex, I think it worked.

Bizarro!

Well, I see you must

have caught up with one

of my winged messengers?

Pretty birds make me sad.

Other birds stay away

from them.

Why you make birds,

to make Bizarro sad?

No, no, no, no.

I made them so that

I could find you

so that I could make

you happy.

You make Bizarro happy?

If you make me happy.

How me make you happy?

It's simple.

k*ll Superboy.

Why you want

me k*ll Superboy?

He do nothing to Bizarro.

He do nothing to Bizarro?

Have you looked

at yourself lately?

He made you look like that.

- No.

- Yes, he was jealous.

He knew that an exact replica

would be too much competition.

So he made you look,

well

Ugly?

It's a strong,

but if you think it fits.

Me ugly.

That why Bizarro am lonely.

All the awards,

the testimonial dinners.

He didn't wanna share

all that, and the women.

He certainly didn't wanna

share the women.

Superboy?

You're as good as he is.

You're better.

You're gifted.

You're unique.

Most people have to work

at it,

but Superboy had

everything handed

to him on a silver platter.

Now you tell me

what's most important.

Good looks or character?

But how k*lling Superboy

get me someone to love?

As soon as he's dead,

I'm going to make someone

just for you.

See? You make me happy,

I make you happy.

You make Bizarro happy?

Yes, yes.

Now there's just one

small problem.

We're gonna have to generate

lots of energy.

I mean, the machine

can handle birds

and flowers

and things like that,

but in order to make

you a whole woman,

we're talking

about a major energy

supply like,

well, Kryptonite,

which they house happen

to have an ample supply of

at the Schiff m*llitary

Research Institute.

Now I want you to force

them to put it all

inside this lead box.

See, that'll protect you

from the radiation.

Me not need.

Kryptonite not hurt Bizarro.

Kryptonite not hurt Bizarro?

Wow, I'm loving

this guy more and more.

Damnedest thing

I've ever seen.

I don't suppose we could

broil it and make believe

we never saw it?

[Lana] Mr. Jackson.

We're busy.

We're busy.

We thought this was

important, sir.

We've been getting calls

about weird white birds

exploding in the sky.

[expl*si*n]

[men and women shouting]

Are you OK?

Sure.

That was pretty

incredible, Clark.

I didn't know you

had it in you.

I usually don't.

There's got to be some

rational explanation

for those birds.

There is.

They're bizarro duplicates

and they're unstable.

You mean like old dynamite?

Sometimes they blow up

right away and sometimes

it takes a while.

- You can never tell.

- Unpredictable.

- Like Bizarro.

- Why isn't he blown up?

Superboy exposed him

to a piece of Bizarro

Kryptonite

and it stabilized him.

Then whoever's using the machine

must not know about that.

Apparently not.

[alarm blaring]

- Clark, what is it?

- You OK, man?

Yeah, I just need

a little air.

The kid is right. Let him go

home, get some rest.

As a matter of fact,

take tomorrow off, Clark.

[screams]

Luthor am right.

You always try to b*at me

for being happy.

Luthor.

Go back to old jail

without Kryptonite.

Luthor make wife for Bizarro.

Bizarro, no.

He's trying to trick you.

No. Luthor help Bizarro.

And now me k*ll Luthor.

[gasps]

[grunts]

Get Kryptonite like you asked.

Superboy try to stop me.

Him dead.

Superboy is dead?

Just like that?

[laughs]

I don't supposed you'd

be offended if I asked

to see the body.

First, you make me

someone to love.

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

It's not hard to see

what's on your mind.

I guess this is show time.

Darla, hon,

can we see you for a sec?

Lex, sweetie,

this isn't gonna

hurt or anything, is it?

Relax, babe.

You'll be fine.

- [ machine beeps]

- I hope.

It's OK, Lex. I'm OK.

[laughs]

Am she the one?

Yes, Bizarro, she am.

Allow me to introduce you

to your blushing bride.

[screams]

No, no, no, my dear.

Let's not be shy.

You'll make a charming

couple I'm sure.

She hate me.

She loves you.

No, no,

she's just awestruck

by your rugged good looks.

You lied, Bizarro.

You mock me.

Mock? You?

Bizarro, babe,

this chick is hot for you.

I can't believe it.

She fell for you.

We gotta get out

of here before

Oh, no, no, no.

No, don't, please.

Wait. We can try again.

She was unstable.

Hey, I can fix that, Bizarro,

babe, for old time's sake.

Darla, he's gonna k*ll me.

Lex, what do you want me

to do?

[screams]

[screams]

[music playing]