[instrumental music]
- It's mine.
- Elizabeth, it's mine.
- It's not.
- Yes, it is.
What are you two fighting about?
- My bubble bath.
- It's my bubble bath.
Elizabeth,
yours is spicy cinnamon
mine is happy buttercup.
Mine is happy buttercup,
Nancy, you're wrong.
- Jack gave it to me.
- Roger gave it to me.
Can I just see something?
Nicholas, would you go
find your own fights?
- Can I just see something?
- Uh! Oh.
Empty, like I figured.
- Nancy, how could you?
- Don't blame me.
She's right, don't blame her.
- What?
- I used it.
- You used my happy buttercup?
- I like bubbles.
What am I gonna do with you?
Thank me. I just settled
your dumb argument.
- Nicholas!
- Nicholas!
[theme song]
♪ There's a magic in the early
morning we've found ♪
♪ When the sunrise smiles
on everything around ♪
♪ It's a portrait
of the happiness ♪
♪ That we feel and always will ♪
♪ For eight is enough
to fill our lives with love ♪
♪ Oh we spend our days like
bright and shiny new dimes ♪
♪ If we're ever puzzled
by the changing times ♪
♪ There's a plate
of homemade wishes ♪
♪ On the kitchen windowsill ♪
♪ And eight is enough ♪
♪ To fill our lives with love ♪♪
[bell rings]
What's wrong, Jackson?
- Nothing.
- That's good.
And I don't wanna
talk about it.
Why not? I'd listen,
and I wouldn't tell anyone.
Forget it,
you wouldn't understand.
I understand
that it's not nothing.
It's nothing?
Okay.
Well, maybe nothing
wouldn't bother you as much
if you spend the night
at my house tonight.
No.
We're having a great dinner,
spaghetti.
Spaghetti?
- Are you Italian?
- No, are you?
Only when it comes to spaghetti.
[chuckles]
- Alright.
- See there, nothing to it.
Let's give it a try.
But, Merle,
you don't understand.
I flunked gym,
four semesters in a row.
The only passing grade
I ever got was in hot showers.
Oh, come on, Nance,
you can do it.
It's for a good cause.
Yeah,
and, and we really need you.
- Well..
- Come on.
Okay.
- Alright.
- Here goes nothing.
- Yeah! Yeah!
- What happened?
- You sunk it.
- I did?
But you shouldn't
keep your eyes closed.
Merle, I can't help it.
I get embarrassed
when I see myself missed.
- You mean I actually did it?
- Yeah, you actually did.
That's fantastic!
Well, maybe I will play ball
after all.
Are the uniforms cute?
Hey, Merle, what's going on?
- Hey, Nicholas.
- Hi, guys.
- Howdy, Jackson.
- Hiya.
Hey, uh, me and Jackson
will take you on
if you give us points.
Uh, not right now, Nicholas.
I have to coach your sisters.
- My sisters?
- 'It's right, slugger.'
I'm putting a team together.
Merle's Marauders.
'We'll play the prelim game'
'at the children's
hospital benefit.'
Can me and Nicholas
play in your team?
I'm sorry, Jackson,
it's girls only.
Bradford sisters versus
the Cyclone player's wives.
Oh, you mean,
it's just for laughs.
Are you kidding, buddy?
Watch this.
- Show him your stuff, Nance.
- Alright.
[instrumental music]
[chuckling]
- Two more points?
- No, one lost ball.
- Lots of luck, Merle.
- Yeah.
(Abby)
'Tom, you know you have to keep
Jackson and Nicholas'
'from giggling all night.'
Oh, well, I'll allow them
one pillow fight
two drinks of water,
and then at sleep
will get separated.
I really appreciate this.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
That's alright,
I have something I can work on.
But it maybe very late.
Oh?
Yeah, Professor Hardgrave
wants to talk to me
after class
about my thesis notes.
- Problem?
- I hope not.
Are you sure
you don't mind if I miss
our usual o'clock date?
I'll be fine.
You're the most understanding
husband in Sacramento.
[chuckles]
Oh, yes,
and also in the suburbs.
Roseville, Citrus Heights.
- Egotist.
- Where's that?
Oh.
[typewriter keys clacking]
Coffee for the writer.
Hi, dad, how's your novel going?
Shh, not so loud.
Oh, it's alright, Nicholas
and Jackson are upstairs
everyone else is gone.
Oh.
I didn't know
you were so nervous about it.
No, no, no, I'm not nervous.
It's just that I,
I wanna keep this project
between the two of us
until I get it back on course.
Um, wow, dad,
I'm really flattered.
Oh, you understand about
this artistic endeavors.
It's best not to talk
about an audition
or get people
excited about anything
until it becomes a reality.
Yeah. It does make rejection
a lot easier.
I didn't wanna put it
quite that bluntly
but you're right.
You know, dad,
I have a feeling that this time
you're not gonna be rejected.
'Keep that feeling
and we'll see.'
No, no, really, I mean it.
The last six or seven times
your novel was rejected--
- Four or five times.
- Oh, right.
I mean, the last four or five
times, you were working under
really difficult circumstances.
Your family was young,
and there was so much
confusion in the house,
it's no wonder
you didn't do your best work
but this time,
everything is going through.
You concentrate on your goal
and go for it.
Alright.
Wait, didn't I gave you that
same speech about acting?
Oh, yeah. It's a good one.
You should listen to it.
I will.
But am I eligible
for Merle's Marauders?
You're a girl
who looks great in gym trunks
and you're
in the Bradford family.
Merle says it's all it takes.
Come on, Janet,
if they can talk me into it
they certainly
can talk you into it.
Okay, why not? It might be fun.
- Good.
- But what about Susan?
Well, Merle says
she's an eligible.
She's actually one
in six-ninths players.
Yeah, but Susan,
likes basketball so much.
'Sitting on the sidelines
will be really hard for her.'
But a lot easier
on her obstetrician.
(Elizabeth)
'I think it's appropriate that
we make Susan our team mother.'
Hey, you guys, that's fantastic.
Counting Joannie,
we have a complete team.
Wait a minute, counting Susan
and her six-ninth
we also have a complete
rooting section.
[chuckles]
That's true.
Susan had a good check-up, Tom.
- A very good check-up.
- Oh, really?
I'm glad to hear that, Greg.
Uh, how's Mary?
Fine, fine.
- Joannie.
- Fine.
And so are Tommy
and Nicholas and David
and Elizabeth and Nancy.
They're all doing just great.
Come on, Greg,
why don't you admit it?
Now why did you come around
here for the first time
in three months to find out how
healthy the Bradford clan was?
What's on your mind?
Nothing.
Can't I make
a simple house call?
No, not without losing
your medical license.
What's bugging you?
Well...if you insist
on prying it out of me
I'll tell you..
- It's Daisy.
- Oh, what about Daisy?
She's getting her
real estate license.
Really? Good for her.
Well, that's easy for you
to say, you're not her husband.
Come on, that's a normal
human development.
After all,
her children are grown
her grandchildren
are out of state.
She's bored with club works
so she gets
a real estate license.
Without any consideration
for my predicament.
What predicament?
She'll be working
a lot of evenings.
What'll I do?
Do you mean, besides
feeling sorry for yourself?
Right.
You know, Greg, I had that
same sense of desertion
when Abby went out
for PhD full time
but this is a new world
we live in.
We can't hold our women back.
Why can't we?
Because it's not fair.
And because they wouldn't let us
even if we tried.
We have to change
with the times.
We have to give our women
their freedom.
At the expense of our happiness?
I felt the same way you did
until I cured myself.
You cured yourself?
Now, I'm really depressed.
Couldn't you spend a couple
of thousand on psychiatry?
Well, I mean it took
a little time
but I finally figured
that I had to use that time
that Abby was busy
to realize my fondest dream.
So I began to write that novel
that I had started I Korea.
Oh, I remember. You were gonna
be another Hemmingway.
Yeah, so I may still
be another Hemmingway
because now that I've started,
I don't resent the time
that Abby is away
and you should do
the same thing with Daisy.
Just throw yourself
into something.
How about the river?
It's very easy, Greg.
Just let Daisy find her thing
and you find yours.
It's so simple.
- You're gonna blow it for me.
- What?
Going to bed minutes early,
without being told.
It's what I feel like doing.
But we hardly played any games.
I don't wanna get too used
to all your games.
What?
A guy can get hooked
in that stuff.
He could wanna play them
all the time.
Well, you can.
Come over whenever you want.
Nah. This is the last time
I'm going to be here.
Was it something I said?
No.
Then how come you're not gonna
come to my house anymore?
I'll be too busy
after school.
- 'Doing what?'
- Looking for work.
What kind of work can you get?
I don't know,
but it have to be something.
My mom lost her job.
[typewriter keys clacking]
(Joannie)
'Nance.'
Look, don't disturb him
right now, okay?
- Why not?
- Well, I can't tell you.
Well, then I have to disturb--
No, not unless
it's really important, okay?
Well, it's not crucial, Joannie
but it's important enough
to interrupt his column--
- It's not his columns, you see.
- Well, then I can interrupt?
No.
[sighs]
Look, it would be a lot easier
on dad if you understood
but please, don't let on
than you do, okay?
[whispering]
Dad's writing his novel again.
Oh, what are we
whispering about?
[whispering]
Well, he doesn't want anybody..
Oh.
[chuckles]
He doesn't want anybody to
know about it till it's over.
Oh. that's great.
Great? It is fantastic, Nancy.
He's so excited,
he's writing again.
And this time,
we're all self-sufficient adults
we can take care of ourselves,
stay out of his way
and let him achieve his dreams.
Hello! Hello! Hello!
Isn't it a wonderful night?
Well, you're in a happy mood?
Oh, happy? I'm ecstatic.
You're not gonna believe this.
Do you know what..
Do you know my
Professor Dr. Hardgrave?
'Well, he's got this very close
friend who's in publishing.'
Oh, Abby, that's terrific,
dad ought to meet him.
Oh, he will because he'll be
in Sacramento all week.
That's wonderful.
Yeah, well, now listen to this.
Dr. Hardgrave showed him
some of my research material
and my thesis outline..
- Your material?
- Yes.
And he, uh, he thinks it's gonna
make a wonderful book.
What is this about a book?
Oh, Tom, you're gonna be
so happy for me.
I've sold a book.
I'm an author.
[dramatic music]
He says it's a natural.
The public is very interested
in how traditional education
determine sex roles.
Well, any book about sex
has to do great?
Oh, no, Nancy, that's just it.
See, he, he promised that he
wouldn't exploit this material.
See, it'll use my research
to show how schools
force boys into one mold
and girls into another
with, with no regards for their
real talents and interests.
Sounds fascinating, Abby.
So you actually
do have a contract?
Yeah, he's bringing it tomorrow.
See, apparently
what I have to do
is write two sample chapters
and then I have to revise
the thesis outline
into a book outline,
and then if they like all that
'then they'll give me
six months to write the book.'
Oh, boy, you'll be busy.
Yeah, but Dr. Hardgrave says
I'll be able to get an extension
on my thesis deadline.
See, he thinks
it's as important as I do
'that this material reach
the widest possible audience'
'but I'm gonna try to do both.'
You will be busy.
Do you think we could get
free autograph copies
when your book comes out?
Nancy, I'm counting on
this family
to make sure it's a best seller.
[both laughing]
- 'Abby?'
- 'Mm-hmm.'
(Tom)
This is our bedroom.
I wouldn't think of
stealing your study.
Oh, I wasn't about
to suggest that.
I knew you weren't,
that's why I'm here.
Well, there's the dinning room.
Now, I just wouldn't think of,
A, clearing my work away
every night or
B, submitting a manuscript
in Boston peanut butter.
Well, then how about
the, uh, screened porch?
It's too close to the television
and the stereo
I'd never get anything done.
- The garage?
- Never.
Well, I mean, suppose you wake
up in the middle of the night
and see all these stuff
kinda staring at you.
I won't.
You can spend the whole night
there with all these stuff?
I mean, wouldn't you feel
uncomfortable?
- I think it's cozy.
- Cozy?
Oh, yes, very cozy.
You, me and the typewriter.
'Tom?'
Don't worry about me.
What kind of work
does your mom do, Jackson?
She's a boss.
How can a boss lose a job?
Well, she was boss
in this big office
and they decided
to close it down.
Oh, I'm sure she'll find
another job sooner.
She says things are slow
right now.
Well, I can loan you cents
until she gets one.
- We don't take loans.
- Don't get mad, Jackson.
I just like it
when you come over.
Yeah.
Well, maybe I can come over
to your house.
I might not be there.
Once before my mom lost her job,
and we had to move.
Oh, no! Not again.
Oh!
- What's wrong?
- I'm hurrying too fast.
Well, you know how to fix that,
just hurry slower.
I can't.
I have to type my thesis,
I have to organize my note
I have to write
two sample chapters
and I have to type
two sample chapters
and I have to do all of this
before my deadlines.
'I need at least six more hands
or one good secretary.'
Well, have you talked
to Jackson's mother?
Is she a secretary?
'Well, Jackson said
she used to run an office'
'and she's looking for work.'
That's great. Thanks, Tommy,
I'll check it out.
Mm-hmm.
[mumbling]
(Tom)
'You'll pay?'
[Tom laughing]
'You haven't paid for my lunch
since October , .'
Because you haven't given me
any good advice
since October , .
- Oh!
- Not until last night.
You know, Tom, I went home and
I thought about what you said
and the more I thought it
through, the more sense it made.
Well, I-I may have spoken
little hastily.
No, you were right on.
I've got to let
Daisy do her thing.
And the way for me to handle it
is to find my thing.
It's that simple.
Maybe it's too simple.
No, the trick is in
what you said.
I must regard her new career
as my opportunity
and then...it came to me.
Liver.
Liver?
The most underrated organ
in the human body.
I see.
But it won't be
after I'm through.
I'm going to know more
about the human liver
than any man in this country.
I'm going to read books,
I going to take courses
'I'm going to do research.'
And in a hundred years from now,
when men think of liver..
...they're gonna think
of Greg Maxwell.
Well, if that's what you want.
It's exactly what I want.
But you see,
I never had the chance to try
and now that I do,
I feel like a kid again.
Can I give you
another piece of advice?
'Please.'
Just pray that she doesn't quit
real estate to become a doctor.
[chuckles]
[whistles]
Okay, uh, we'll start
with some layups.
- Who's first?
- Joannie.
- Mary.
- Uh, what's a layup?
You know what a layup is.
Well, I know,
but if Merle hears me asking
then I won't have to be first.
- I'll go first.
- You?
Yeah, volunteering is the only
part in basketball I'm good at.
Ball, please, Merle.
Uh...you're wearing gloves.
I know.
But you don't play basketball
with gloves on.
Well, Merle,
if you think I'm gonna break
my fingernails,
you can forget it.
It took a long time
to grow these babies.
Okay.
Now, do I dribble?
On the quarter off.
[chuckles]
Come on, Nancy,
let me see your stuff.
You just watch this.
- Well..
- 'Oh!'
How did I do?
Well, let's just say
we got a great chance
for making the other team
very overconfident.
- We do?
- Oh, yeah.
- Terrific.
- Exactly.
Okay, Joannie. Alright, let's
see you do something with it.
- Come on, Joannie.
- 'Come on, Joannie.'
- Hey.
- 'Oh!'
[all cheering]
- Elizabeth, you're off.
- Go on.
- Oh.
- Okay, okay.
Keep it up.
Keep it up. Janet.
- Keep it up.
- Come on, Janet, let's go.
- Oh..
- No, no.
Alright, Mary, take it in.
Take it in.
Taking it in, baby,
here I go.
[cheering]
Okay, alright.
[whistles]
'Okay, listen up.'
We're through kidding around,
we got work to do
and I mean it.
I can't tell you
how much this is gonna help me.
Oh, it's perfect for me too.
I have an application
in at Senator Avory's office
but the position won't be open
for several weeks.
Oh, this will work out great
for you then
because you don't have to worry
about Jackson after school.
And Nicholas will love having
him here. I mean, so will we.
That will be awfully nice,
Mrs. Bradford.
- Oh, Abby.
- Thank you, Abby.
- And I'm Lillian.
- Lillian.
So when can you start?
- Tomorrow morning.
- Uh, that's perfect.
- That's great.
- Okay.
Come on, don't float the ball.
Come on, come on, just throw it.
- Throw it.
- Throw it.
That's it. That's it. Hard.
Keep those eyes open.
'Look one place,
throw at another.'
Come on, come on!
Come on, get with it.
Well, don't just stand here,
get the ball.
Hustle!
Merle, what's with
the Gestapo bit?
Yeah, come on, Merle, you said
this was supposed to be fun.
Fun is winning.
Twenty-five laps, everybody!
What?
And Jackson can play
here every day
and sleep over sometimes.
- That's right, Nicholas.
- Thanks, Abby.
No, thank, Tommy.
It was really his idea.
- Thanks, Tommy.
- Don't mention it, sport.
I enjoy sleeping out
on the screen porch
every once in a while.
Oh, yeah, because dad can't hear
what time you come in.
No, because
I'm such an altruist.
He likes to hide
what time he comes in.
I'd like to change the subject.
Um...I'd like to propose a toast
to Abby Bradford
and her new book.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, alright.
I'll drink to that.
Cheers.
[instrumental music]
Did you have to rub it in
like that?
Who's rubbing it in?
I think
Abby did a wonderful thing.
We should hire a band
and throw her a bash.
Oh, that's great.
That's really what dad needs.
This has nothing to do with dad.
This has everything
to do with dad, Mary.
He has dreamed about
selling his book for years.
He's written
a dozen versions of it
he's gone without sleep,
without vacations.
Well, he has struggled for this.
Abby, hasn't exactly been
lolling around
in a hammock eating bonbons.
I know, but she didn't even try
to write a book
and then she sells one.
I mean, it's just..
It's not fair. That's all.
Who said it was supposed to be?
If you were dad,
wouldn't you feel cheated?
- Is Abby here?
- No.
I think she's upstairs,
Nicholas, why?
- Uh, there's a Mr. Ellis here.
- Ellis?
That's what says
on the card he gave me.
Boy, I sure wish I had a card.
It makes you feel cheap when you
don't have one to give back.
This guy is from
Abby's publisher.
I know, I can read.
I'll get Abby--
No, no, no, Nicholas.
Uh, listen, I'll get her, okay?
I'm going upstairs anyway.
Wait a second, Joannie,
we're not done.
Yeah, I'll be right back.
Well, don't just stand there,
dry something.
I am dry.
Nicholas, it's fun to help.
No, it isn't.
You think it would work.
You'll love it, Mr. Ellis.
I know you will.
Dad is really a genius.
I'm sure he is, Ms. Bradford,
but I'm not really interested
in any new projects
at the moment.
Oh, but you can't let
this one go by, Mr. Ellis.
I mean, there are lots of
publishers interested in this
and, uh, think of the publicity
when you publish Abby's book..
'...and dad's book.'
What's it about?
'Oh, it is a wonderful novel,
Mr. Ellis.'
To me, it has a brilliant blend
of Tolstoy and Norman Mailer.
It would take some brilliance.
And the setting?
At the Korean w*r.
I'm sorry, Ms. Bradford, but we
couldn't possibly consider it.
How can you possibly say that
without even reading it?
(Ellis)
'Every definitive novel
of the Korean w*r'
'was written years ago.'
(Joannie)
'Oh.'
(Ellis)
'There's just no market
for anything so tired'
so out of date.
Well, I..
But this is really good.
Perhaps, but it's not
something we or most likely
anyone else
would want to publish.
[dramatic music]
- 'Elizabeth?'
- 'Hm?'
(Nancy)
Would you bring me a cup of
coffee as long as you're up?
- Who's up?
- I thought you were getting up.
No, no,
that was just a muscle spasm.
Well, at least
your muscles can still spasm.
I spent the whole night dreaming
I was running laps.
And each time
I'd reach number
this ogre would say,
"It was only ."
Did this ogre look like Merle?
No, he had big green tusks
and, uh, kind expression.
As long as you're up, Mary--
Would you get us
a cup of coffee?
Coffee? Who's drinking coffee?
- We will, if you bring us some.
- No way.
It's not on your training diet.
- What?
- What you got?
What training diet?
Since you're the medical expert,
I'm putting you in charge, Mary.
All you've got to do
is follow the menu.
It was developed by the
team doctor for the Cyclones.
Merle, there are more calories
in this first breakfast
than I eat all week.
Calories?
You want us to eat calories?
And vitamins and minerals.
I wanna get all you Marauders
in the best possible shape
for the big game.
Just hold on, I have worked hard
to get in my present shape
and I'm not gonna
ruin it with calories.
Right, Merle, we're not gonna
eat like baseball players.
You'll be sorry
when you poop out in practice.
There's another way to prevent
that, medically speaking.
What?
Don't practice.
Are you kidding,
that's sacrilege.
I'd expect you all
in the gym at :.
'Now...take the vitamins.'
[doorbell rings]
Oh, good morning,
Mrs. Andrews.
- Good morning, Mr. Bradford.
- Come in, come in.
Thank you.
Well, this must be
the big brother
that Jackson is always
priding about?
That's right, you haven't met.
Mr. Bradford,
this is my son, Darren.
Darren,
this is Nicholas' father.
Oh, how do you do, Darren?
Uh, just fine,
Mr. Bradford.
- How are you?
- Good, real good.
- Here, let me take that.
- Don't forget now.
Jackson and I will be
expecting you right at :.
Got it.
Don't stop to sh**t baskets
and forget about us.
Right,
"And drive carefully, son."
Now, you've got it.
[chuckles]
Okay.
[chuckles]
You have two fine boys,
Mrs. Andrews.
You must be very proud.
Well, thank you, Mr. Bradford.
I consider that a compliment
from an expert.
I'm going to enjoy your family.
Oh, we're just so happy
that you can be here with us.
[chuckles]
Well, I'm just proud
I'm able to help Mrs. Bradford
to get her book done.
Ah, there's nothing greater
than a book.
A book can go on
long after our own lives
are totally forgotten.
I know.
- How I envy you.
- Envy me?
Well, yes.
You're married to an author.
How wonderful you must feel.
You wouldn't believe
just how wonderful.
I've been looking for ya.
- Here I am.
- Isn't it great?
Now you can come over
to my house every day and play.
Yeah? Well,
don't count on being fun.
Why not?
When my mom bosses a place,
she really bosses you.
She does?
'Yeah, she doesn't let people
get away with anything.'
Not your parents,
not your sisters
not Tommy or anyone.
I didn't know that.
Well, just keep your eyes open.
She's gonna shape you
Bradford's up.
[sighs]
[sighs]
[telephone rings]
Working hard, I see?
Oh! Morning, Elliott.
Well, aren't you going
to tell me, Tom?
Tell you what?
Come on now.
Don't be so coy.
- It's wonderful news.
- What is?
About Abby,
about her writing a book.
Oh, you were going to slip it
into the conversation
modestly, right?
So as you could top me whenever
I brag about Randy three.
Yeah, something like that.
Well, you have forgotten
how eager the book boys can be
about publicity.
I received a visit this morning
from a man named Mr. Ellis.
He brought me a press release
and he's put a great deal
of pressure on us
to do a feature story
on Sacramento's newest author.
Oh, really?
Ho-ho, we might have to change
your byline
to Mr. Abby Bradford.
[laughs]
Why don't we make it
Mr. Doctor Abby Bradford.
She'll be getting her PhD.
That's right.
I forgot about that.
Ho-ho, makes us look
like pikers, doesn't it?
I guess.
Well, we'll just have to
write books ourselves.
After all wives do it.
Shouldn't be that hard.
It's hard, Elliott.
I suppose it's harder
than writing an editorial
or a column.
Not today. Today,
column writing is impossible.
Don't tell me
we're having another one
of your little writer's blocks.
Not little.
May I make a suggestion?
Why don't you write about
being married
to a famous author?
I've considered that.
There are no laughs.
Elizabeth, you gotta arch a ball
when you sh**t it.
Aw, come on, please,
bend you knees, Mary
bend your knees.
You're sh**ting off the palm
of your hands.
sh**t off your fingers--
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Nance.
- Hi, Nance.
- Hey, Merle.
- You're late.
- I'm sorry.
I had to fit my lunch hour
around my bosses.
Well, that's great.
We only have the court
for another minutes.
Ooh! Uh..
I can't stay that long, Merle.
I-I have a lecture.
Yeah, and I have a tennis date
with Jack.
You'd be better off
forgetting the tennis
and concentrate on basketball.
[chuckles]
Yeah, well
what I'm concentrating on
is Jack.
I don't understand this team.
Now, what's keeping Janet?
What's keeping Joannie?
Look, m-maybe Janet
had an important case.
Uh, maybe Joannie's covering
a big story.
Lookit, Merle,
I know that they're not
as important to you
as basketball
but those are their jobs.
I just don't want you
making fools of yourselves
on game night.
Hey, Merle..
...it's no big deal.
Tell that to Bingo's team.
Oh-ho-ho, your old rival Bingo
is coaching the Cyclone Wives?
Yeah.
And he's got 'em practicing
four hours a day.
I think we should do the same.
- Impossible.
- Ridiculous.
Oh, come on, if I can
give my time to coaching
you can make the time
to be here.
- You're wrong about 'em.
- 'What?'
Look, uh, let's face it.
You're just too much
of a gung-ho jock
for those cruel klutzes.
You expect too much
and you take it too seriously.
Remember, this is for charity.
So, don't tell me
you're gonna quit on me.
No, Merle, we're, we're not
gonna quit. We'll play.
But we're going
to coach ourselves.
That's crazy.
It may be crazy, Merle
but at least it won't be
the Marine Corps.
Look, we love you, Merle
and we don't wanna wind up
hating each other.
Right, team?
Right, Merle.
Look, we just wanna be friends.
We're f*ring you as coach
but we're hiring you back
as brother-in-law.
(Susan)
'Merle, they can't
do that to you.'
Yeah, hold on, honey. They
had a point. It's my business.
I'm used to tough coaching,
but...they're girls.
Oh, now wait a minute,
that's no excuse.
When I was on
the gymnastics team
we trained as hard
as the football players did.
Yeah, but you wanted to.
Your sisters don't.
Oh, boy. I just wish I could
get out there and suit up.
I'd show them that
you're right and they're wrong.
Forget it, honey.
It's not worth
splitting the family over.
Any family that fires my husband
deserves to be split.
[chuckling]
Take it easy.
You'll upset the baby.
Hey, I've got news for you.
This baby's kickin' harder
about this than I am.
- You hungry?
- Yeah.
Me too.
We'll ask my ma
if we can have something.
Okay.
- She might say no.
- Really?
- Yes, so I'll ask her.
- Good idea.
[typewriter clacking]
Hi, mom.
Hi, Jackson, hi, Nicholas.
How was school?
- School was okay.
- Yeah.
- Little long after lunch.
- Yeah.
- Mom, we're hungry.
- What else is new?
Could we have something
from the refrigerator?
Well, what's the rule
on that, Nicholas?
Huh?
I should ask Abby about it
but I hate to disturb her
when she's working so hard.
What about it, Nicholas?
What about what?
Is it alright for you
to have a snack?
Why are you asking him?
It's his house, Jackson.
But you're the boss of it.
Whatever gave you that idea?
I work for Mrs. Bradford.
No!
It's true, Jackson.
You mean, Nicholas' mom
can tell you what to do?
Of course.
[instrumental music]
Come on, Jackson.
Let's go play.
I don't wanna play.
I don't even wanna stay here.
[clamoring]
You're not being fair,
Susan.
Hold it! Hold it!
- One at a time, please.
- Right, me first.
No, dad, we gotta
find Jackson first.
You and dad can look for Jackson
while the rest of this family
is apologizing to Merle.
Susan, we did that
when we fired him.
Yeah, so we're even.
[clamoring]
Quiet, please!
I said to hold it.
Now, what is this
about Jackson?
Where is Mrs. Andrews?
She's out looking for him.
Dad, we've gotta help.
I don't understand
any of this.
I mean, what is going on?
Where-where-where is Abby?
She's upstairs, dad.
- But you can't disturb her.
- Who says?
Abby even has a secretary now
so, why do I get stuck
when things fall apart?
[typewriter clacking]
- Abby?
- What is it, Tom?
There's no one
minding the store.
Tom, I don't have time
for riddles.
All I ask is that
you help out a little.
Could this just wait?
I'm right in the middle
of a thought.
Well, this family is
in the middle of chaos.
Abby...it's not working.
What is not working?
This book.
It's disrupting our lives.
Yours maybe, but not mine.
Alright, mine!
It's disrupting mine.
Tom, I'm sorry
you can't handle it
but would you
just leave me alone?
Because I have a deadline.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
(Tom)
I never thought that Abby and I
would get involved
in a triangle.
Is it really a triangle, dad?
Sure, it is.
I'm competing with that book.
Isn't there another angle
in the geometry?
- What about your book?
- What book?
Come on, dad.
By the time Joannie had sworn us
all to secrecy
everybody knew about it
except for Abby.
Oh, wonderful.
The novel is over.
Obviously I was just
fooling myself.
- I don't think it is over.
- Oh, yeah.
It's out of the bottom drawer
and back down in the basement.
I think you resent the fact that
Abby made it instead of you.
No, I don't resent it.
I mean, look, how would you feel
if all of a sudden
Janet became the biggest
contractor in Sacramento
and you were going bankrupt?
No, thanks.
We have enough trouble
handling our careers as it is.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
It wasn't easy for me
to let Abby leave the house
and go back to school.
Your mother never would have
done that.
No, her family
definitely came first.
And her husband.
That's true, her husband.
Well, face it, dad,
Abby has her own way of going
and you've encouraged it.
Yeah, sure I have,
but I didn't think
it would lead to this.
You make it sound like
you and Abby are competing
in some kind of contest,
and you think you lost.
That's right.
That is how I feel.
[doorbell ringing]
Oh, hi, Mrs. Andrews.
Boy, am I glad to see you.
Did you find Jackson?
Yes, Nicholas.
Darren found him.
Great. He's okay.
As good as can be expected.
- Well, is he coming over?
- I don't think so, Nicholas.
Why? Doesn't he like us?
It's not you, Nicholas.
We'll talk about it.
I'd like to see Abby.
She and Joannie are upstairs
but they said
not to disturb 'em.
- How about your father?
- 'He went out.'
Well, in that case
I'll just keep myself busy
till Abby's free.
Can I ask you a question?
Of course.
Well...are you the boss
or do you just work here?
Abby and I have a business
arrangement, Nicholas.
It helps me,
and I do my best to help her.
- Do you understand?
- Sort of.
Well, sort of is a lot better
than Jackson understands it.
Oh.
And Channing rejected
Tom's manuscript?
I know, I shouldn't have
shown it to him, Abby
but...I believed in it
so much
I thought it was going to make
everything perfect
for you and dad.
- And Tom knows?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I can see
why he's so upset.
Oh, I knew you'd understand.
There's nothing I can do
about it.
- Abby!
- Tom's book is Tom's book.
My book is my book
and they don't have anything
to do with each other--
No, no, they have everything
to do with each other
as long as it's driving
you two apart.
Tom's ego is driving us apart.
Well, then do something
about it.
What? Give up the contract?
Give up my chance to help change
the educational system
just so Tom won't feel
threatened?
No, I'm not suggesting that.
Just, just consider
dad's feelings, that's all.
I have considered his feelings,
and I think they're destructive.
Joannie, are women always
supposed to-to hold back
so that the proud male
can-can keep centre stage?
Abby, you know that
I don't want that either.
Well, then be patient.
You're father adjusted
to my going back to school
and he'll adjust to this.
[sighs]
This is totally different.
How is it different?
[sighs]
Well, how would you feel
if-if dad was suddenly granted
a PhD in education
and yours was turned down?
I don't know
what Abby's gonna do.
I think she's got as much
ego involved in this as dad.
Why not?
Nobody's medically proven
that the ego is
exclusively male.
I know, but is that what
equality is all about?
Equal egos?
Well, maybe David
can help your father.
- David?
- 'That's right.'
He's planning to spend
the whole day with your father.
(Elizabeth)
'But David?'
That's like sending Muhammad Ali
to explain humility
to Howard Cosell.
I'd really hate
to lose you, Lillian.
And I'd hate to have Jackson
lose Nicholas as a friend.
I guess it's my fault.
Your fault? Why?
I wanted both my sons
to be proud, Abby.
I always told them
that we are strong people.
That they weren't meant
to follow
that they were meant to lead.
From what I've seen of Jackson,
that's true.
It's not true yet.
I guess I wanted so much
to spare him
from the harder parts of living
that I...taught him
too much pride.
If any consolation
there's a lot of that
going around these days.
You know, you're a great
sounding board, David.
- Thanks, dad.
- No, really.
You have no idea
how gratifying it is
to have somebody
to talk to like this.
You did the same for me
for a lot of years.
You were there
when I needed you.
You listened.
Yeah, but right now,
I need more than listening.
What do you mean?
Uh, I need advice.
[chuckling]
You want advice from me?
You're gonna get thrown out
of the father's union.
Oh, no, I know it's a drastic
reversal of form
in our relationship, but..
Well, you-you have
the experience and I haven't.
With what?
With all this fuzziness.
- Fuzziness?
- Yeah.
In my day, when men were men
and women were women
you knew exactly
where you stood.
- Wasn't that boring?
- 'No.'
On the contrary,
it was rather reassuring.
There was no competition
between the sexes.
If you saw somebody in jeans,
you felt safe swearing
or if you saw somebody
with long hair
you felt safe saying ma'am.
Dinner was at
o'clock, sharp.
And they did the dishes.
Dad, let's forget about golf
and go find a time machine, huh?
No, no,
I'm-I'm serious, son.
I mean, how do you
and Janet do it?
I know you almost lost
each other once
over your two careers,
but now you seem
very happy with each other.
- We are.
- Well, how do you do it?
Well, I guess
it started happening
when I-I remembered
what questions to ask.
- About what?
- About everything.
If there's a problem
with Janet's work
or-or, uh, something goes wrong
with the apartment
I ask myself,
"Now what's more important?
Me or us?"
When the answer's me,
there is no us.
So the answer can't be me.
- Thanks, son.
- Don't mention it, dad.
That's what I'm here for.
[instrumental music]
Okay, Elizabeth
you throw it to Janet,
then she'll throw it to me
and I'll sh**t.
No, you'll miss.
I'll throw it to you,
and you throw it to Janet.
Janet, this time
don't dribble double, okay?
- It's double dribble.
- Well, whatever.
- Just don't do it.
- Hold it.
This is a basketball team,
not a debating society.
Ugh! It's not a basketball team.
We are five coaches
who can't decide on anything.
You guys, maybe we should
ask Merle to come back.
That would be crawling.
(Nancy)
'Well, maybe we should
just forfeit the game.'
(Joannie)
'That'd be chicken.'
(Mary)
'Look, if-if we don't
shape up pretty quick'
we're gonna look
awfully ridiculous.
- 'Girls.'
- Oh, hi, Lilly. What's up?
Mind if I make
a little suggestion?
Abby.
Dad, she went out.
Aw, shucks, I should have
called from the club.
Did she say where
she was going?
Something about a meeting.
Did she say where?
- Nope.
- Did she leave a number?
Unh-unh. Boy, you really
want to see her.
I sure do.
Will she be back soon?
Why wouldn't she?
- Good point here.
- Thank you.
But I'm afraid it isn't
expressed very clearly.
I'm sorry?
You know, I hate to say this
but you seem to bury
your most exciting ideas
beneath the jargon
of academia.
Really?
It almost seems as if
this were your thesis.
I didn't intend that.
Well, it's easy
to get conditioned
to impressing
your fellow professors.
Frankly, we'd rather impress
the book-buying public.
So, what happens now?
Don't get depressed.
It's for occasions like this
they invented re-writes.
Speaking of words, that one
sounds pretty terrifying.
Abby, please,
this is not rejection.
Well, compared to
the cheers I was expecting
it's pretty close.
Joannie!
[grunts]
[giggles]
Oh, shucks.
[all scream]
- Alright!
- Jackson, did you see that?
- Swish!
- Yeah.
How was it, coach?
Well, you're getting
the hang of it.
- Thanks, thanks.
- It's alright.
But I don't think
we'll be taking on the Lakers
for a week or so.
The Lakers? Now there's
a basketball team.
Yeah, and so are we.
- Yeah, you got it.
- Right.
But you'll be
a lot closer to one
once I show you how
you should line up
for your free throws.
Yeah, I'll line up
for anything that's free.
- Damn, they need some help.
- 'Stand right over here.'
Yeah, and if you help him,
can I help you?
Yeah, if Darren says it's okay.
- Well, he's the coach.
- Right.
Your sisters are kinda
working for him.
Well, I guess.
If you want to
put it that way.
Well, that's how it is.
Is it that big a deal?
(Joannie)
'How was it, coach?'
Not really.
I'm glad you came back.
Me too.
I want you
to come down the middle.
I want you two
to be on the outside.
- Tom.
- Abby.
I've been lookin' for you.
I've been looking for you.
I wanted to apologize.
No. I want to apologize.
[sighs]
I guess I was pretty
insufferable.
Well, I know that
I was very childish.
I didn't know you were
writing your book again.
What difference does it make?
One famous author
in the family is enough.
I'm not a famous author.
But you will be,
and I can accept that.
No, I have a problem.
- I can't write.
- Who says that?
- Channing Ellis.
- What does he know?
He rejected my novel.
[sighs]
No, Tom, it's true.
He says I don't know
how to write for the public.
And I have to admit,
he seems pretty convincing.
So?
So, I was thinking
while I was driving home
you could help me.
Me?
'You're the professional
writer.'
We could do the book together.
My material and your words.
Oh, but you saw the way
I acted around here.
What do I know
about modern sex roles?
I think you're becoming
an expert.
Tom, I really need you.
Of course that means
that, um
we'd have to spend
a lot more time together.
Going through my research,
discussing, editing..
Now wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
Are you suggesting..
..collaboration?
On anything you have in mind.
- Do I get a byline?
- And fringe benefits.
Ah, success.
I love it.
- Oh, Joannie, you were great.
- Hi, dad.
- Oh, dad, my sh..
- Sorry.
I didn't mean to do that.
But you were great.
Really, I was so proud.
Nicholas, take good care of her.
She did a wonderful job.
- Here's some nourishment.
- Aw, Mary.
You were fine, just fine.
Thanks, dad.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, Janet,
I was proud.
- Chair?
- Yes, of course.
- Right over there.
- Mm.
Elizabeth, you gave it
all you had.
I know, but will I
ever get it back?
Well, yes, yes, yes.
You'll recover.
Aw, here she is.
Nancy.
[all cheering]
(Joannie)
'Good job, alright.'
- That was some basket.
- It was great.
It was way past great.
It was unreal.
Well, thanks, guys.
I just wish I'd seen it.
It was like this.
You were feet down
the court, okay?
Three seconds left
in the game--
Two seconds, alright.
- Two seconds.
- Uh-huh.
You get the ball.
You start dazzling
with your dribble.
You come around like this.
You come back around
you close your eyes
and you sh**t.
And it goes swish,
right through the basket.
A few more sh*ts like that,
and you can try out
for the Harlem Globetrotters.
Well, I wouldn't go
quite that far, Jackson.
But it was a terrific sh*t.
Classic.
Unforgettable.
Too bad it was
the only basket we made.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]
[music continues]
04x23 - Official Positions
Watch/Buy Amazon
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.
The show was modeled on the life of syndicated newspaper columnist Tom Braden, a real-life parent with eight children, who wrote a book by the same title.