06x12 - The Song Remains a Pain

[bunniefuu]

-Lou!
-Jeepers, Bill!

You almost cost me my good thumb
and I paid a lot of money for this sucker.

Ignoring that. I figured out the
next clue in our treasure hunt.

Check out the riddle on the
back of the jade compass.

"To find the treasure," "you must
begin to take a journey deep within."

Well, I hope they don't mean that old well,

because it belongs to the spiders now.

No. I bet it means it's in Tush Caverns.

That's the deepest part of the ranch.

Not counting Jake's poetry.

That boy is surprisingly soulful.

[CELL PHONE RINGING-♪]

Kikiwaka Ranch, Lou Hockhauser speaking.

Unless it's the Health Department,

[WITH ACCENT] then this is Helga, ja!

What? Really? Me?

Thank you, I'm so honored.

-What accent was that?
-No idea.

But the treasure hunt's on hold.

I've just been named "Young Rancher
of the Year" by Rancher Monthly.

Someone from the magazine's
coming to interview me tomorrow.

Wow, Lou, congrats.

You have done a really good job here.

Dodging the local authorities at every turn.

Thank you. It feels so nice for
my hard work to be recognized.

Oh! This is the best day of my life.

I thought you said every day you
spend with us is the best day of your life.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, Bill.

That's just something you say
right before you raise camp tuition.

ALL: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Hey, Destiny. I have a very special guest

coming to camp today, and...

And you need me to keep
Winnie from blowing anything up.

Got it. No promises.

Actually, I need you to
lead campfire while I'm busy.

Heck, you can even make the s'mores vegetarian.

Great. Wait...

What are they now?

Do you really wanna know?

I do not.

Anyway, I want the cabins to come
up with an official song for campfire.

So you can kick us off.
-That's a great idea, Lou.

You know, I have always wanted to write

an educational power ballad

about the dangers of overfishing.

Yeah, save it for your TED Talk.

Your song should be about
what it means to be a Mustang.

And if you do a good job, this could
be a camp tradition that lasts forever.

So, what are you thinking?

I'm thinking that this is a huge responsibility

and I won't let you down.

I'm also thinking about the time
I found a whisker in my s'more.

That's ridiculous, crows don't have whiskers.

You guys aren't gonna believe...

What am I looking at?

Just two bros finding their center.

Okey-doke.

Anyways, Megan, the girl I met in town,

is coming over later for our first official date.

Nice, dude.

And to think your mom was
worried you'd never find love.

You leave your mail out.

So what do you got planned
for the big day, champ?

Get this, we're gonna
watch a classic sci-fi movie.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Why are you laughing?
Because that's a terrible idea.

And I just like to laugh.

Noah, this is your first date,

you gotta go as big as possible.

This could be a story you two tell

your mutually-owned pets one day.

And watching an old movie is a story
you'll be telling your reflection in the window

as you stare at the rain,
wondering what went wrong.

Hmm. Those do sound like
the only two possible outcomes.

Don't worry, I'll plan you the perfect date.

Wow, thanks, Parker.

If this goes well, we'll name
our Labradoodle after you.

That's the dream.

Well, the camp is all ready

for the Rancher Monthly
reporter to drink it all in.

Except for our water, of course,

which no one should ever actually drink.

Do you think they'll send Big Dan Randall?

His reports on manure industry
corruption really caused quite a stink.

[CHUCKLES]

Seriously, though, lots of people were fired.

Hey, y'all. And howdy.

I'm Clementine Cartwright from Rancher Monthly.

Well, howdy right back at you. I'm Lou.

Owner of this here ranch.

And this is Bill, one of the young
ranching minds I mold on a daily basis.

[WHISPERS]
Just go with it.

You know, I love your magazine.

I don't recognize your name.

I just started at Rancher Monthly,

but I've been ranching ever since
I was knee-high to a grasshopper.

You grew up on a ranch?

You bet your biscuits.

But Pa had to shut it down

after our water got
contaminated with nuclear run-off.

Folks just don't like it when their steaks glow.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, we are thrilled to
have you here, Clementine.

And I cannot wait to get started
on my article about you, Lou.

Those fields I drove by are just beautiful.

Fields? Farms have fields.

Ranches have pastures.
It's where we keep the cows.

Got you, I was just making a joke

that went "pasture" head.

[LAUGHS] Get it? Come on, now.

Well, let's get you settled in.

You'll be staying at Owl cabin, it's a hoot.

It's also the only cabin with
clean sheets and reliable plumbing.

We are still off the record, right?

Thanks, y'all.

Be back quicker than you can say,

"Hey, Pop, why do our chickens have fingers?"

Something seems off about her.

Did you see her boots? They're brand-new.

No scuff or stains.

I mean what kind of self-respecting rancher

doesn't have their boots covered in cow splatter?

That's your beef with her?
Not enough poop on her shoes?

Also, I can't place that accent.

And how can she confuse a pasture with a field?

Oh, cut her some slack, word police.

I've heard you say "pasghetti."

Let's see... What rhymes with "mustang"?

"Mustang..."

Bus fang.

Nope, that's awful.

Why couldn't I be in Bear cabin?

Bear, care, stare, it practically writes itself.

[LOUD METAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER
SPEAKERS] -♫-♫-- [SIGHS]

Winnie, can you turn your music down?

[LOUDLY] What? I can't
hear you, the music's too loud.

I'll turn it down.

I'm trying to write a song about
our cabin to sing at campfire.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Sweet,
my mom just sent me my guitar.

I can help. Let's see what you got.

Whoa, "bus fang"! Nice.

Let's work on this together, I'll grab my axe.

I mean my guitar, not a real axe.

Although...
-Nope.

I mean, as much help as you would clearly be,

I'm the first counselor of Mustang cabin,

so it should really be my
responsibility to write our song.

Okay, cool.

Then I'm going to town on my teeth.

I just ate a s'more and it was pretty gristly.

Okay, everything's ready for your date.

I kinda blew the sports budget on this.

So from now on, the kids are
gonna have to play tether-brick.

You don't think the suit's too much?
-No way.

You'll thank me for all this when
I'm the best man at your wedding.

You know I have a brother, right?
Don't worry,

I'll let him down easy,
that's what a best man does.

Here comes Megan.

Why, hello, Megan, you look lovely today.

Thank you, Noah.

I didn't know this was gonna be so formal.

But you look nice too.

And a little sweaty.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Yeah.

A wool suit in the dead of summer

was an interesting choice!

Shall we?

[DISCORDANT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING-♫]

[MUSIC STOPS]
Oh, my.

This isn't what I was
expecting from a date at a camp

that you said couldn't afford real life jackets.

Well, just like our safety equipment,

I'm full of surprises.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Welcome!
[BOTH EXCLAIM]

My name is Jacob, your maitre d'

here at Chez Kikiwaka.

Is there a particular table you wish to sit at?

The only one with plates?

Excellent choice, sir.

You really went all...
[SCREAMS]

Megan, I'm so sorry!

Slippery rose petals on a freshly-waxed floor?

Another interesting choice!

It's okay. I know you're just trying to be sweet.

[IN NORMAL ACCENT] Hey, look,

she's already "falling" for you.

That was inappropriate, I'll leave now.

This afternoon, I present to you,

deconstructed mound of brown.

Surprisingly, when it's separated into its parts,

it's neither mound nor brown.

[BOTH COUGHING]

What is that smell?

Oh, that is a chili vapor,

it's supposed to awaken the palate.

It's awakening my tear ducts.

Are you sure you're not crying

because it's such a beautiful occasion?

No, my eyes are on fire.

With romance, right?

I need to wash my face.

[SCREAMS]

Megan, are you okay?

What happened?
-I can't see anything.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING-♫]

Read the room, guys!

Noah, buddy, I'm really sorry about earlier.

Me too.

Luckily, Megan agreed to come back
tomorrow and give me a second chance.

Dude, nice!

How'd you pull that off?

Well, I just turned on my signature charm.

Then quickly turned it off
and went straight to Megan.

Shrewd.

Now I'm just trying to come up with
something great for tomorrow's date

to make it up to her.
[SCOFFS] Noah.

Great is not enough.

I think... Nope.

You have lost the right to think.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, if I may,

what are girls if not people?

And what do people like? People like fun.

Hard to argue with that. That's solid logic.

Now that we're in agreement,

I have got the perfect idea for your date.

No video games.

Then I will need a little more time.

I can see why you've been named

Young Rancher of the Year, Lou.

You've sure done a fine job with this place.

Oh, stop it. [CHUCKLES]

I'm kidding, please keep complimenting me.

Oh, this is Destiny,

she's actually writing a
song for campfire right now

that will really capture the spirit

of what this ranch is all about.

Or at least it better.

Yes, the song.

It is so great.

In fact, I don't even have words

to describe how great it is.

So if you think of any, send 'em my way,

and make sure they rhyme.
-[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Yeah, you don't gotta
include her in your article.

Oh, Clementine, we're all ranchers here.

Some more so than others.

Why don't you tell me about your first horse?

Well, aren't you a curious fella?

Uh, well, he's brown.

And one time he bucked me off and ran away

when I pulled his hair.

That's also why my little sister ran away.

That and the siren song of the circus.

What a lovely story.

Except horses aren't brown
they're bay or chestnut,

and it's not hair, it's a mane,

and they don't have feeling in it,

so he wouldn't have bucked you off.

But other than that, it all tracks, bro.

You know, Lou, if this is a
bad time for the interview,

I can just skedaddle.
No, this is the perfect time.

Bill, a word.

[HISSING]
What are you doing?

I just don't trust her.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Why in the world
would someone pretend to be a reporter

for a really cool, but really
niche magazine, and feature me,

aside from my hair

which has been absolutely k*lling it lately?

I don't know, people are complicated.

If she was a horse, I'd
have her figured out by now.

Lou, any chance you can give me

a tour of the rest of the property tomorrow?

If this article about you is compelling
enough, you might make the cover.

[GASPS] That would be amazing.

The only Hockhauser to ever
be on the cover of a magazine,

was my cousin Hobart.

He was in Thresher Accident Weekly.

Or at least part of him was.

[EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION]

Uh, what's going on, D?

I'm having a really hard time writing this song.

I've been working on it forever,

and nothing feels right.

Maybe that's because
you're using a pen and paper.

Boomer.

Not helpful.

[SIGHS] Well, if you want me to be helpful,

why don't you let me help you?

Come on. I'm almost as good at music

as I am at throwing stuff off of water towers.

Allegedly.

Nobody can help me.

I'm the first counselor in
the history of this cabin,

and I can't even say what
it means to be a Mustang.

I'm never gonna be able to write this song.

I will never understand her generation.

[DESTINY:] I'm three years older than you.

Okay, granny.

Noah, I present to you the perfect first date.

A recreation of my eighth birthday party.

Jake, I don't think Megan's gonna like this.

Of course she will.

You thought Parker's idea was too romantic,

so this one isn't romantic at all.

Maybe we need a little romance.

Can we find something between
candlelit lunch and donkey butts?

Hey, Noah. What's going on here?

♪ Happy second first date to you

♪ Happy second first date to you

♪ I hope you forgot about the first first date

♪ Oh, no I just reminded you ♪

This is our date?

It sure seems that way, doesn't it?

Well, what do you think?

I think

it looks fun.

[CLEARS THROAT]

How about we start with a pinata?

Are you ready to get some
sweets from your sweetie?

Let's forget I said that.

I gotta admit, it's actually going pretty great.

What did you fill that pinata with, anyway?

Only the good stuff.

Nothing but chocolate.

It's a pretty hot day.

Aren't you worried that the chocolate will melt?

Come on, Noah, make it rain.

Not until right this second.

[STRAINING] Well, I did say make it rain.

Did I get it?

Oh, no, uh... Megan, I'm so
sorry, here, let me clean you off.

Come on, man.

You know what, Noah?

Maybe this was a bad idea.

I'll see you around.

Wait, you forgot your goodie bag.

Oh, well, more dinosaur stickers for us.

And the next highlight on
our hike is Dead Skunk Gulch.

We're downwind, though, so this
is about as close as we should get.

We had dead skunks on Pa's ranch, too.

But sometimes they'd come back.

Interesting. Anyway...

Go ahead and ask me another question

about the amazing job I'm doing here.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry, Lou,

but right now, I don't reckon how this
story is good enough to make the cover.

Hmm. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Not really a question, but more of
a pointed, soul-crushing statement.

This is the cover of Rancher Monthly.

I mean, you're going up
against the tractor pull playoffs.

Oh, you're right, the July
issue is always so competitive.

We just need to unearth

something really interesting.

Any, uh, hidden gems that
could make this story shine?

Something really valuable to our readers?

[GASPS] We think there's
buried treasure on the ranch.

Buried treasure? [LAUGHS]

Now I'm smelling a double issue.

Oh, nope, I just stepped in something.

And this is our next clue to find it.

"To find the treasure, you must begin

"to take a journey deep within"?

Well, what do you think it means?

Well, Bill thinks it's in Tush Caverns,

which is the deepest cave on
the property and just over that hill.

Well, sizzle my grits.

A ranch owner sitting on a pile of treasure?

You are definitely cover material now.

[GASPS] Hot dang, mama's gonna be a star.

Say, the lighting right
now sure is perfect. Uh...

Pose against that tree so
we can get your cover sh*t.

I can't believe it, I'm gonna be a cover girl.

Take that, Cousin Hobart!

May he rest in pieces.

Ooh! Yes!

Work it, cowgirl!

Now just keep looking off while
I adjust your arms a smidge.

[SIGHS]

[METAL CLACKING]Wow, you really
want me up on that tree. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, wait, what are you doing? [GASPS]

Did you just staple me to the tree?

Thanks for pointing me

straight to the hidden treasure.

And for wearing loose sleeves.
Made this so much easier.

I can't believe it, Bill was right about you.

Yep, I'm not a rancher.

I'm an evil librarian from Jackson Hole.

I've read all about the treasure of Dusty Tush,

and now it'll all be mine.

So tell me, where in Tush
Caverns is this treasure?

We don't know.

Seriously?

I've listened to you blabber on for two days

and that's all you're giving me?

[SIGHS] I guess I'll just have to
figure it out for myself once I'm there.

[SARCASTICALLY] Toodle-oo, cowgirl.

[COYOTES HOWLING]

Well, at least maybe I'll make the cover

of Coyote Victims Quarterly.

Hi, Lou.

[LAZILY] Hey.

Fancy meeting you here.

Anything you wanna tell me? Anything at all?

Okay, fine, Clementine's a fraud,

she's really an evil librarian

and she's just after the buried treasure.

See? This is why I prefer the company of horses.

Any more factoids about
yourself you wanna tell me

before you get me out of these staples?

On it.

Thank you. And I'm really sorry

for not listening to you about Clementine.

It's just that I've worked so hard

at getting this place up and running

that I wanted to believe

that I deserve to be Young Rancher of the Year.

Lou, you do deserve to be
Young Rancher of the Year.

You really think so? Absolutely.

You created a camp that will inspire

the next generations of ranchers.

That's pretty incredible.

Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.

Not as much as it did coming
from the magazine, but still a lot.

Come on, this ranch is so great,

we all stick around.

Even though there are crows in our s'mores.

[WHISPERING] You know about that?

I bit into a beak, Lou.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I like the crunch.

Now come on, we have to stop Clementine

before she finds the next clue in Tush Caverns.

Wait, how did she find out about that?

Not important.

Just tell me you didn't
give her the jade compass.

[SCOFFS] Nope.

It is still safe with me.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Oopsie.

Wait. Looks like there was a key inside of it.

Wait a minute, the riddle.

"Take a journey deep within."

That's supposed to be our next clue,

it wasn't within Tush Caverns,

it was within the compass.

Wait, so is there anything inside Tush Caverns?

[COYOTES HOWLING][CLEMENTINE SCREAMING]

Just one very frightened evil librarian.

Listen, Noah, we're really sorry

for ruining your first date with Megan.

Well, it's not like I had any better date ideas.

You sure about that?

What's all this?

It's your original date idea.

Just you and Megan watching an old sci-fi movie.

This is all amazing, guys.

But after everything that happened today,

Megan's never gonna come back.

Megan! You came back!

Yes. Just in case,

I wore shoes with good traction

and I have a poncho in my purse.

Wise move.

She's a keeper, dude.

We explained to Megan how
the other dates were all our fault.

And she agreed to come
back for a third first date.

As long as Jake and I
wouldn't be within yards of it.

Oh, my gosh, guys, this is amazing, thank you.

Now, you know, a promise is a promise, so...

Bye-bye.

After you.

[REMOTE BEEPS][ORCHESTRAL
MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

[GASPS] Star Battles?

Noah, this is my favorite movie.

Really? It's my favorite movie too.

Megan, would you like to
get a Labradoodle with me?

[CHUCKLING] That's really cute.

But how about we make
sure I survive our date first?

Good call.

Lou, I figured out what the key
we found in the compass is to.

Really? Yes!

It's to a lock.

Wow. It is so hard to believe

this treasure's eluded you for so long.

[CELL PHONE RINGING-♪]Oh.

[WITH ACCENT] Go for Helga, ja!

Ooh, really?

That's amazing. Thank you.

Bye.

That was Big Dan Randall from Rancher Monthly.

He said he received an anonymous tip

about how great of a candidate I would be

for Young Rancher of the Year.

You wouldn't happen to know
anything about that, would you?

Nope. Cowboys never snitch.

Hey, Destiny, are you ready
to perform your cabin song?

Um, yeah, about that.

The truth is, Lou, I've
been working on it forever,

but I don't have a cabin song.

She's right. She doesn't have a cabin song.

She has "the" cabin song.

We wrote it together.

We do? We did?

You had a lot of amazing ideas.

A lot of garbage too. But some gold.

You finished the song for me

even though I shut you out
and said you couldn't help?

Yep.

That's what Mustang cabin is all about.

Being there for each other and working together.

Wait, why am I explaining? It's all in the song.

♪ When the words won't come

♪ When the world is dumb

♪ There's only one place to be

♪ My cabin at camp

♪ A little cold and damp

♪ Where my best friend waits for me

[MUSIC CRESCENDOES]One, two, three, four!

♪ Mustangs, Mustangs The cabin that's hot to trot

♪ 'Cause what I need you have, indeed

♪ And what you need I've got

♪ MustangsALL: ♪ Mustangs!

♪ When you're down I've got you, girl

♪ A Mustang's here So have no fear

♪ We're the best cabin in the world

♪ MustangsALL: ♪ Mustangs!

♪ When you're down I've got you, girl

♪ A Mustang's here So have no fear

♪ We're the best cabin in the world

♪ The best cabin in the world ♪

Mustangs![ALL CHEERING]

Amazing job, you two.

This is the start of a beautiful camp tradition.

The coyotes, they're following me.

And they taught themselves
how to use my staple g*n!

[YELPS]

[COYOTES HOWLING]

Okay, change of plans.

Campfire in the mess hall!