07x15 - Chapter One Hundred and Thirty-Two: Miss Teen Riverdale

[bunniefuu]

[VERONICA] Dear Girl Next Door,

I'm not usually one to gripe,

or seek advice from strangers.

But I'm sick of living in a world

that doesn't take me seriously
as a young businesswoman.

Did you know I can't even
open a checking account?

[TONI] Dear Girl Next Door,

I know and love who I am.

I'm Black. I'm bold. I'm beautiful.

But it's frustrating to live in
a world that doesn't celebrate me

for being those things...

[CHERYL] Dear Girl Next Door,

with every breath I
take, I'm living a lie.

Forever worried that
I'll reveal my true self

to an intolerant world

that won't let me love
who I want to love.

[MIDGE] Dear Girl Next Door,

I feel like I'm sitting
on a ticking time-b*mb,

and it's only a matter of time
before the world stigmatizes me

for being "a woman of loose morals."

[EVELYN] Dear Girl Next Door,

or should I say, Little Miss Busybody?

What makes you think

you have all the answers, any-who?

[ETHEL] Dear Girl Next Door,

I know I should be grateful
for the things I have,

but it's hard when everything
around me is beautiful

and the world's constantly reminding me

I'm not one of those things.

Gosh, Ethel, that's a beautiful sketch.

Is that for art class?

No, she's finishing up the sign-up sheet

for the town's annual Miss
Riverdale Teen Queen Pageant.

Your mom asked me to be her assistant.

Ugh, is it really time for that
embarrassing cattle call again?

Yes, it is.

But this year, for the first time ever,

we're going to be broadcast
live on national television,

right out of the RIVW Studios.

Whoop-dee-doo.

I hope you don't expect me to compete.

Oh, no, of course not.

Why would you wanna
participate in anything

so glorious and
wholesome and all-American

as Miss Riverdale Teen Queen,

when you're already holding the crown

for Miss Grumpy Pants USA?

And I'm sure you're not interested

in any of our wonderful
prizes this year...

like, say, a new car.

I don't even have a driver's license.

A Hollywood screen test.

Not interested in the slightest.

Or a scholarship to
whatever college accepts you.

The pageant's giving away
scholarships? Since when?

Since we're gonna be broadcast
live on national television.

But I understand. You're not interested.

Ethel, she is beautiful,

but why don't we change her
from a blonde to a brunette?

I think she'd be much
more likable that way.

[BELL RINGING]

What do the rules say
about outside designers?

Because Edith Head has been dying

to design a bathing suit for me,

and Miss Riverdale Teen Queen

would be a divine showcase for it.

Oh, Vee, please tell me you're
not honestly signing up for that.

I already did, Betty.

Imagine the publicity

it would bring to the
Babylonium if I won.

It's a business decision.

Okay, but it objectifies girls.

I mean, wearing a swimsuit
and heels at the same time.

What about that little peep
show you did with Archie?

Was that objectifying?

Yes. Well, that was
between me and Archie,

and he was in his underwear, too.

What I wouldn't give...

How about flashing your
panties on live television?

That was my decision, on my terms.

[VERONICA] Look, beauty pageants

can certainly be seen
as objectifying women,

if you choose to look at them
solely through that one lens.

What other lens is there?

What's that saying?

"Beauty's in the eye of the beholder."

Speaking for myself,
I love being beautiful.

And not for the drooling approval

of some fuddy-duddy judges.

I refuse to give them any power over me.

I decide if I'm beautiful or not.

And I am, as are we all.

But doesn't it bother you

that beauty pageants
pit girls against girls?

Oh, there's a way around that.

We gals just need to make a pact.

No matter who wins, we all win.

And no cat-fighting or back-biting.

Except against Evelyn Evernever

who, of course, was the
first to sign-up, annoyingly.

Wait, wait, Toni, you're doing it, too?

Trust me, Betty.

I feel the same way you do.

But this is the first year
that Miss Riverdale Teen Queen

is integrated.

And even though there's not
a snowball's chance in hell

that those stuffed-shirt
judges will give me the title,

I'm gonna make damn sure
that I show the country

at least one Black woman
competing for the crown.

And if I do win, don't worry.

I'm gonna call out the
Miss America pageant

for the fact that all its contestants

must be of "good health
and the white race."

My parents sponsor Miss
Riverdale Teen queen, of course,

so it would definitely raise a
few eyebrows if I didn't compete.

Though, if I do win the
title again this year,

I would use my platform differently,

advocating for the more...

disenfranchised teens in this town.

[FOGARTY] Are you sure you
should be competing, Midge?

You know, in your delicate condition?

I mean, won't you be wearing
high-heels for hours on end?

What if you trip?

You're the sweetest for
worrying about me, Fangs.

But...

this might be the last time I
get to do anything like this.

Just...

dress up and be a -year-old girl.

Compete for some silly tiara

like it's the only thing
in the world that matters.

What I said before?

Ice it.

You go compete your heart
out on that stage, baby.

If those judges got eyes in their head,

they won't even look
at those other wannabes

because you're the hottest mama,

with the classiest chassis,

in the whole town, by a mile.

[CHUCKLES]

All right, now that it's just us,

selfishly, of course,

I think it would be a gas

if we were all part of
Miss Riverdale Teen Queen.

So I'm gonna go out on a limb here...

I think I know what you're going to say.

Let me ask you this, Betty.

If your mom wasn't hosting the pageant,

wouldn't you be competing
for those ginchy prizes?

I mean, imagine if you
got that scholarship.

It could be your ticket to freedom.

You could go to whatever
school accepted you,

on your own terms,

not at your parents' whims.

Some place like...

Sarah Florence.

Or Smith College.

Mmm-hmm.

So you have thought about it.

I knew it.

[MAN] ♪ There she is ♪

♪ Miss America ♪

♪ There she is, your ideal ♪

♪ The dream of a million girls ♪

♪ Who are more than pretty... ♪

[ALICE] Well, well, well.

If it isn't the latest and greatest

aspiring Miss Riverdale Teen Queen.

Yes, Mother, I signed
up. Are you overjoyed?

No, actually, I'm not, Elizabeth.

I would like to know what
your nefarious plan is.

Do you plan on winning the crown

and then pulling the entire
temple down around you?

Make some kind of feminist statement?

No, I do not wanna pull
the temple down around me.

To be honest, it would be nice
to win that scholarship money.

Oh, please, Elizabeth.

You get straight A's.

If you so choose to go to college,

which I'm not recommending,

I would much rather you
go to finishing school.

You're gonna be able to
get an academic scholarship.

So don't try and bamboozle me

into thinking that you
care about the scholarship.

What would you like
me to say then, Mother?

I would like you to say
that you actually want

to be Miss Riverdale Teen Queen

for the joy and satisfaction of it.

You know, I was Miss Riverdale
Teen queen back in my day.

I know. Everyone knows.

The night that I was crowned,

it was the greatest night of my life.

I thought I could do
anything, be anything.

You know...

Well, it's silly, but
I thought that I...

might grow up to be a stewardess

and travel the world,
see glamorous places.

Wait, you wanted to be a stewardess?

[ALICE] Hmm.

- That I did not know.
- Mmm.

What happened? Why didn't you do it?

Well, I married your father, of course.

And then I had your sister,

and then I had you,

and I gave up my silly dreams
of becoming a stewardess.

- Can you imagine?
- Yeah. I can.

How fab that would have been for you,

traveling to all those places,
meeting glamorous people.

Yeah.

Well, anyway, Betty,

whatever your reasons are,

I think this is gonna
be wonderful for you.

[GASPS] Imagine if you won.

That would be the greatest
accomplishment of my life.

This is so exciting.

I can't wait to rehearse with you girls.

Wait. We have to rehearse?

Yes, of course.

I have to guide you girls
through this entire process.

And mind you,

this is not just glitz and glam.

This is rigorous hard work,

like going into battle.

So I want you to get a good
night's sleep tonight, dear.

I don't wanna see any shadowy bags

under those eyes in the morning.

[BELL CHIMES]

A Miss Riverdale Teen Queen
does not walk, she glides.

That's what I wanna see from you.

Gliding, gliding, gliding...

Focus.

We wanna block out everything
and only concentrate

on being the most
poised, the most refined,

and the most elegant we can be.

Appearance, posture,
carriage, character,

all these elements go into the
making of a Miss Riverdale Teen Queen.

We must carry ourselves

with the dignity of English royalty.

Our categories are evening gowns,

vim and vigor,

bathing suits, point of view,

and the ever-most important
talent competition.

It's all about showing how well-rounded

Miss Riverdale Teen Queen is.

Well, that's all fine and dandy,

but I don't need some creepy old men

telling me how
well-rounded my backside is.

I know how shapely I am.

- Toni!
- Greaser garbage.

- Preppy troll.
- [ALICE] Miss Topaz, really!

As Miss Blossom will tell you,

being Miss Riverdale Teen Queen,

you serve as an
ambassadrix for Riverdale

for the entire year of your appointment.

Why, you must be the female embodiment

of all things good and decent

in our little town with pep.

In fact, "pep" should
be your middle name.

All right, one more
hour of posture work,

and then we will go down
to Mrs. Andrews' dress shop

and have you fitted for gowns.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Ethel Muggs, as the
winner of this year's

Miss Riverdale Teen Queen pageant,

can you tell us what you're
feeling at this exact moment?

Gosh, Mrs. Cooper,

I guess I'm really just wishing

that my parents were alive to see this.

Oh, but, Ethel, they are.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[ETHEL] Mom?

Dad?

Ethel, as our newly-minted
Miss Riverdale Teen Queen,

are there any other dreams
that you're looking to fulfill?

Well, now that you mention it,

a lot of people don't know that I paint

as well as draw comic books.

And I would be so jazzed to
have an original Ethel Muggs

hanging in a real gallery or museum.

Ethel, I have got some
great news for you then.

Your beautiful self-portrait

is going to be on display
at the Guggenheim Museum.

Oh, my gosh, the Guggenheim?

- [ALICE] Yes.
- [CHUCKLES]

Ethel, this is your night,
and your night alone.

Is there anything else

that would make it even more special?

Well...

I think it would just be
the ginchiest thing ever

if Jughead Jones were my boyfriend.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, Ethel.

Miss Riverdale Teen Queen
has the pick of the litter,

but if it's Jughead Jones you want,

then Jughead is yours.

- [ETHEL] Jughead?
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Are you really my boyfriend?

Of course I am.

You've always been my best gal.

- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- Beautiful.

[ETHEL LAUGHS]

[ALICE] Ethel?

Ethel?

[RECORD SCRATCHES]

Ethel!

Sorry, what was that, Mrs. Cooper?

You did make an appointment
at the dress shop, I hope?

Mmm-hmm.

[MARY] Look at all these gorgeous girls.

[SIGHS] You know, back in the day,

I competed to be Miss
Riverdale Teen Queen,

all through high school.

Against you, Alice, if I'm not mistaken.

Well, you always gave me
a run for my money, Mary.

- And you always won.
- [CHUCKLES]

[MARY] You know, it's funny.

I really thought that being
Miss Riverdale Teen Queen

would be a stepping-stone

to doing something
important with my life.

Like, I don't know,

being the first lady or something.

Well, there's nothing more important

than being a wife and mother, Mary.

Maybe for our generation, Alice.

But I feel like these girls

could do anything they want,

be anything that they want.

No disrespect to Mamie Eisenhower,

she's an icon,

but do you girls ever think
we'll have a female president?

I wouldn't vote for a woman.

Or a Black president, for that matter?

Man or a woman.

Think about how much
change would have to occur

in the world for that to happen.

It'll happen. In our lifetime, I bet.

Now, now.

I think it's important to
manage one's expectations.

Don't you think, Mary?

Of course.

Oh, Ethel, can you make sure
that you pin Betty's dress

all the way around the hem?

Okay, Midge, let's
look at this fit on you.

[ETHEL SNIFFLING]

Ethel, are you crying?

Sorry.

I won't get any tears
on your dress, I promise.

No, no, what's the matter?

Nothing.

You're just so beautiful, Betty.

You and all the other girls,
you're just so beautiful.

I think we might need to
let this out just a tiny bit.

[EVELYN] Gosh, Midge, you better
start cutting back on those desserts.

Otherwise, that cute
serpent boyfriend of yours

might decide that you're
too much woman to handle.

Evelyn, why don't you do us all a favor

and take a long walk off a short pier?

Just gonna go get my measuring tape.

Midge, dear,

why don't you and I
have a little chat later?

Huh? Just between us?

[BETTY] Ethel, what were those
waterworks at the dress shop about?

Did something happen?

No.

Nothing. I guess I just wish

that I could be competing with you all.

Ethel, you're so beautiful.
Why aren't you competing?

I couldn't.

You heard what your mom said

about being Miss Riverdale Teen Queen.

She's supposed to embody
the best of the town,

be Riverdale's ideal girl.

That's not me, Betty.

I'm the girl whose
parents were m*rder*d.

The girl who's quiet
and likes comic books

and draws creepy pictures.

No one in their right
mind would crown me

Miss Riverdale Teen Queen.

I know what my mom's been saying, Ethel,

but straight from the fridge, you...

You're such a wonderful,
beautiful person.

You've overcome so much
adversity in your life,

more than any other girl in Riverdale,

and that is inspiring.

You are inspiring.

You have more pep in your little finger

than the rest of us do in
our whole bodies combined.

And you have every right

to be up there competing just
as much as the rest of us.

No.

I couldn't.

Really, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said anything.

[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]

So, Midge,

how far along are you?

And no fibbing, please.

I recognize that glow.

Girls, I appreciate you gathering

for an emergency meeting before school.

Now, some of you may know

Midge Klump is no longer with us.

What? What happened?

Did Midge die?

Oh, no, no, she's still
alive. But regrettably,

she is no longer eligible

to compete for Miss
Riverdale Teen Queen.

And, moreover, she will no longer

be a student here at Riverdale High.

She will continue her studies
at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy.

[GASPS] But Mrs. Cooper...

And I assure you she is doing just fine.

Really, girls, this is
the best thing for her.

And when you see her again
in six or seven months,

you will see that she is right as rain.

Six or seven months? What? Is Midge...

Also, this is a good time to remind you

that we must treat
our bodies as temples,

temples that must be protected
against any kind of defilement.

On that note,

we will see you back here
for some good clean fun

later this afternoon, okay?

Very good.

I just don't understand. Why
would Midge be sent away like that?

[EVELYN] I thought you
were supposed to be smart.

It's because Midge has a
bun in the oven, of course.

Evelyn, shut your pie hole right now.

It's the worst-kept secret in town.

Second worst, after you two.

[VERONICA] This wouldn't
be the first time

a girl's been sent
away to hide her shame.

I mean, sadly, this is
standard practice in Hollywood.

- Which is nothing to be ashamed of.
- [EVELYN] Says you.

She let a greaser paw
at her like a dirty rag.

You're cruising for a
bruising, you snot-nosed square.

[BETTY] Okay, wait.

So Midge and Fangs have actually...

Yes, Betty.

Just once or multiple times?

From the way those two
would look at each other,

I'm guessing they were
doing the deed on the reg.

[TONI] If you must know,

Midge loves Fangs and Fangs loves Midge.

And if it wasn't for her
classist r*cist parents,

they would be together right now.

Quite the cautionary
tale, if you ask me.

Funnily enough, no one is,
you goon from Saskatoon.

[BETTY] I'm just, I'm wondering

how Midge could have ended up getting...

Uh...

No, no, of course, I
understand how it happened.

I'm just wondering if they were using...

If they were using protection?

- Good question.
- Midge said they were.

But once it slipped.

That's what Fangs told me, too.

See, this is why they ought to invent,

I don't know, a pill or something.

A what?

A pill, like a monthly pill,

that girls can take,

that protects them from...

accidents, even happy ones.

Because, let's face it, ladies,

we're the ones who have to
live with the consequences.

Not the boys.

They get claps on the back
while we bear the burden,

while we're stigmatized.

Poor Midge. Now her
whole life is just...

[CHERYL] Her life is not ruined.

Midge is one of my Vixens.

I will not let this destroy her.

Except you're no longer a
Vixen, and neither is Midge.

Really, who did let you sit with us?

Wonder if Fangs even knows about this?

Well, if he doesn't now, he will soon.

The whole school will.

Then I should find him.

- Talk to him.
- I'll come with you.

Betty, what are you thinking about?

Just how quickly your
entire life can change.

How one night can decide
everything for you.

You were quiet in the lounge, Ethel.

I keep thinking about Midge
at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy.

It's awful what's happening to Midge,

and we will figure
out a way to help her.

But in the meantime...

I also think this
presents an opportunity.

What do you mean?

Well, there's an open spot now

to replace Midge in the pageant,

and what better girl to do it than you?

Do you really think that, Betty?

I do.

It almost feels like your destiny now,

but only if you want to, Ethel.

[EXHALES] I... I do.

But what about your mom?

I mean, there's still so
much that needs to get done,

and she still needs an assistant.

I have someone in mind for that.

They took Midge?

I'm gonna go up there to that convent,

I'm gonna bust Midge out of there.

She doesn't belong in that place.

They do experiments on those kids,

give them all psychedelic
dr*gs and stuff.

Oh, pump the brakes there, Fangs.

The last thing anyone needs
is you going in half-cocked.

Kidnapping Midge after she's
already been kidnapped once

will only make things worse.

We need more information
before anyone does anything.

Midge's parents know she's pregnant

because Mrs. Cooper
forced it out of her,

but they may not know
that you're the father.

[CHERYL] We should
endeavor to keep it that way

so that you're not arrested.

Or worse.

Okay, what am I supposed to do, huh?

Bupkis?

We stick with the original plan.

You write a hit song, you get
a gold record under your belt

and you become undeniable
to Midge's parents.

You just need to focus

on getting ready for when
you and Midge get reunited.

[CHERYL] Look, my parents have made

many a charitable
donation to the Sisters.

So I will work on setting up

at least a phone call
between you and dear Midge.

But you have to listen to Toni.

And, Fangs, remain calm.

Calm. [SIGHS] Okay. [SNAPS FINGERS]

- Beautiful.
- [CHUCKLES]

What's going on in here?

I'm just getting Ethel all caught up.

But she has perfect poise, honestly.

And doesn't she look
to die for in her dress?

Getting caught up on... what exactly?

Oh, didn't you hear?

Ethel's replacing Midge in the pageant,

and luckily, she already
knows all the routines.

[STAMMERS] That is wonderful.

Um, but who's gonna be my assistant?

Here's your java, Mrs. Cooper.

Just the way Betty said you liked it.

Three sugar, extra cream.

Elizabeth, can I speak to you
in the hallway for a moment?

Sure, Mom.

Just a few more laps,

and then we'll brainstorm some ideas

for the talent competition, yeah?

[ALICE] I knew it.

I knew you were gonna try
to undermine me somehow.

How am I trying to undermine you?

Midge dropped out,

or more likely, was forced out by you.

[SCOFFS] Oh.

- So now what's wrong with Ethel competing?
- What's wrong?

What's wrong is Ethel does
not represent the ideals

of Miss Riverdale Teen
Queen, not by a country mile.

Why, she's not pregnant.

No, no, she's not.

But she... She has an unsavory history.

Are you talking about what
happened with her parents?

Or something else?

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

Ooh. You are awful, you know that?

I am here to protect the office
of Miss Riverdale Teen Queen.

I'm not gonna let you
turn this competition

into one of your crusades.

- [SCOFFS]
- And whether you believe me or not,

I am also and especially trying
to protect Ethel from the scrutiny

that Miss Riverdale Teen Queen demands.

I'm sorry, but over my dead body

is she going to compete
in this pageant...

Mom, Ethel should be
Miss Riverdale Teen Queen.

She needs and deserves it
more than the rest of us.

Think about it for one second, okay?

Ethel is an orphan.

This scholarship may be her
only chance to go to college.

- No!
- Mom.

And that is final.
Ethel is a lovely girl.

But this is not a charity,
it's a competition.

And since you made this mess,

you're the one that's gonna tell her

that she has to withdraw
from the pageant.

Not me!

- [STOMPS]
- [TONI] What's the trouble now, Betty?

Well, I got Ethel to
sign up for the pageant,

and no surprise, my mom blew a gasket.

She's not letting Ethel compete
in Miss Riverdale Teen Queen,

- even though there's an empty slot.
- [TONI] What?

- [VERONICA] Oh, dear.
- Golly.

And why doesn't she want Ethel

to drop a nickel in and participate?

It's more of the same.

Ethel doesn't represent the ideal,

blah, blah, blah.

My mom is nuttier than
a Christmas fruitcake,

but I'm in it now

and I don't wanna be the one to
tell Ethel that she doesn't...

represent the very best of Riverdale.

Imagine what winning this
crown would do for her.

Imagine the doors that it would open,

not just in high school,
but for the rest of her life.

Honestly, Ethel's got as much
chance of winning as I do,

but we're with you, Betty.

What should we do?

Uh, I'm open to ideas, ladies.

Well, I vote we stand together,

link arms and demand Ethel
gets chance to compete

or we all withdraw.

Quote it. I'm in, sisters.

This pageant's nowheresville
without us teen contestants.

Okay.

I'll go talk to my mom.

[VERONICA] Hold the line, Betty.

Thinking it through,

maybe this is one of those times

you go around your mom.

To someone who might be more inclined

to listen to reason...

or threats.

Someone like... my dad?

Exactly.

And maybe you shouldn't
go in alone, either.

Maybe you go with a
more seasoned negotiator,

who won't get bogged down in
messy, sticky family dynamics.

Like moi.

[BETTY SIGHS] Okay.

- Mr. Cooper.
- Hi, Dad.

Hey, ladies. What's the good word?

May we bend your ear about a few,

let's call them competition parameters,

that we and our fellow pageant
contestants have been discussing.

And what would those parameters be?

The first being, Ethel
Muggs must be allowed

to participate in the competition.

Okay, let me just stop
you girls right there.

I've already gotten an earful
about this from Mrs. Cooper,

and I'm afraid that there
is just no wiggle-room.

- But Mr. Cooper...
- I'm sorry, girls, truly.

But there is a lot
riding on this pageant.

And how we present
ourselves to the world

is of the utmost importance, Veronica.

It's funny, Mr. Cooper,

I've been doing a little research

on TV ad spending just for kicks,

including how much money

a live television event can bring in.

Miss Riverdale Teen Queen
is going to be huge for RIVW.

We all know that. We all want that.

Also, we're guessing you've already sold

all your commercial spots, am I right?

Which means you're on the hook.

And you can't cash
those wonderful checks

unless Miss Riverdale Teen Queen

airs without a hitch.

Okay, what exactly
are you two driving at?

Only that you might find
yourself in a precarious position

if all your teen contestants suddenly...

decided to pull out of the pageant.

[BETTY] Which we will, Dad,

if you don't fix it with Mom
so that Ethel can compete.

Betty, I...

[SIGHS]

Okay, fine. I'll see what I can do.

Thank you, Mr. Cooper.
That's fantabulous.

And one more thing.

We want the swimsuit promenade
cut entirely from the pageant.

What? Why?

That is the judges' favorite segment.

I'm sure,

but frankly, there's just
no justifying that outdated

and plainly sexist
aspect of the competition.

Especially considering
all our judges are men,

and two of them are faculty
members at our school.

Don't you concur, Mr. Cooper?

[SIGHS]

Why do you constantly
undermine me, Harold?

And especially on the
day of the pageant!

- I... I... I don't...
- Put a sock in it!

You always undercut me. Always.

Which is especially galling

because I have spent
the best years of my life

cleaning up after your messes.

Alice, I'm not trying to undermine you.

So what if Ethel wins?

And some nosy Brenda Starr

takes it upon herself
to look into her past?

What happens then, Hal?

To us? To our family?

Sweetheart, please, just calm down.

Oh, do not tell me to calm down.

It... It... It doesn't matter
if Ethel competes or not.

I mean, you know who the judges are.

There is no way that Ethel

is going to be Miss
Riverdale Teen Queen.

Come on, you're just making

a mountain out of this molehill.

Oh, you made it a mountain, Hal.

Now come help me with my necklace!

[ALICE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

They're not fighting about me, are they?

Oh, no. Not at all.

They're just nervous about the
pageant being live this year.

That's all. Last minute jitters.

Trust me, once the cameras
start rolling, they'll be fine.

Now clue me in.

Have you decided on a song
for the talent competition yet?

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING ON TV]

Archie, lay a patch. It's time
for the evening gown promenade!

All right, all right,
I'm coming, I'm coming.

Oh, this reminds me of
the county fairs back home.

We used to have Miss Duck
Creek pageants every spring,

complete with
butter-carving competitions.

I can't believe they cut
the bathing suit strut.

You really want to see your sister

prancing around like a bathing beauty?

- It's kind of pervy, no?
- [BOTH LAUGH]

Okay, drop dead, Jones.

Don't you have another comic
book to write or something?

As a matter of fact, I don't right now.

Pop, can you turn it up a little?

Kevin's about to sing.

- Welcome back to Miss Riverdale Teen Queen ...
- Thanks, Pop.

... live from the RIVW stages.

And now, would you please
welcome Mr. Kevin Keller,

who will serenade us during
our evening gown promenade.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

["SOME ENCHANTED EVENING" PLAYS]

♪ Some enchanted evening ♪

♪ You may see a stranger... ♪

[HAL] First up, our reigning
Miss Riverdale Teen Queen,

I give you, Miss Cheryl Blossom.

- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
- [KEVIN] ♪ Across ♪

♪ A crowded room ♪

- ♪ And somehow you know... ♪
- Miss Betty Cooper.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ You know even then ♪

[EXHALES]

♪ That somehow you'll see her... ♪

[IMPERCEPTIBLE]

♪ Again and again... ♪

[HAL] Miss Evelyn Evernever,

and Miss Ethel Muggs.

♪ Some enchanted evening ♪

♪ When you find your true love ♪

♪ When you hear her call you... ♪

- Miss Veronica Lodge.
- [KEVIN] ♪ Across a crowded room ♪

♪ Then fly to her side ♪

[WHISTLES]

♪ And make her your own... ♪

And finally, Miss Toni Topaz.

[KEVIN] ♪ Or all through your life ♪

♪ You may dream all alone ♪

♪ Once you have found her ♪
♪ Never let her go ♪

♪ Once you have found her ♪

♪ Never ♪

♪ Let her go ♪

[HAL] Let's hear it
for Mr. Kevin Keller,

but most especially, our lovely ladies.

Don't they look just swell?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Gorgeous.

[HAL] And that was Miss
Veronica Lodge on the tightrope.

Wasn't she the loveliest
of lady daredevils?

- Whoa.
- Wow.

- Wow.
- [BOYS CHUCKLE]

And now performing the original song,

"Who Will Love Me as I Am,"

to end our talent competition,

here is Miss Ethel Muggs.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ Like a fish plucked from the ocean ♪

♪ Tossed into a foreign stream ♪

♪ Always knew that I was different ♪

♪ Often fled into a dream... ♪

Come on.

♪ I ignored the raging currents ♪

♪ Right against the tide I swam ♪

♪ But I floated with the question ♪

♪ Who will love me as I am? ♪

Hot diggity.

Ethel's got a set of pipes.

More than that, she's got star quality.

Oh, sheesh. Is there
anything this girl can't do?

I think I'm in love.

♪ Could we bend the laws of nature? ♪

♪ Could a lion love a lamb? ♪

♪ Who could see beyond this surface? ♪

♪ Who will love me as I am? ♪

♪ Like a clown whose
tears cause laughter ♪

♪ Trapped inside the center ring ♪

♪ Even seeing smiling faces ♪

♪ I am lonely pondering ♪

♪ Who would want to join this madness? ♪

♪ Who would change my monogram? ♪

♪ Who will be part of my circus? ♪

♪ Who will love me as I am? ♪

♪ Who will ever call
to say, "I love you"? ♪

♪ Send me flowers or a telegram? ♪

♪ Who could proudly stand beside me? ♪

♪ Who will love me ♪

♪ As I am? ♪

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Wow!

[BOYS CONTINUE EXCLAIMING]

Whoo!

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

[HAL] Well, it has been
a spectacular evening

and everyone is a winner.

But now it is time for our judges

to decide who will be the next

Miss Riverdale Teen Queen.

Fifty cents says it's Veronica.

Who knew she was an acrobat?

Well, I don't know.

Betty's delivery of the Gettysburg
Address was stirring stuff.

I'll take anyone as long
as it's not my sister.

If there's justice in
this world, it'll be Ethel.

I knew we should have
made the musical about her.

Looks like our judges
have made their decision.

And, as you can see,
my lovely wife, Alice,

a former Miss Riverdale
Teen Queen herself,

has joined me for the verdict.

I must say, you look
absolutely wonderful.

Doesn't she look wonderful, folks?

- Oh, stop it. Stop it.
- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, dear.

This is my favorite night of the year,

even more than Christmas,

because tonight,

one of these lucky girls' lives

is about to change forever.

[HAL] And the winner of a brand new car,

a Hollywood screen test,
a college scholarship,

and the title

of Miss Riverdale
Teen Queen, , is...

[DRUMROLL PLAYING]

[GASPS SOFTLY]

- [ALICE SIGHS]
- [HAL CLEARS THROAT]

Ethel Muggs, everyone.

- [OTHER CONTESTANTS WHOOPING]
- [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[ALICE] Ethel Muggs is Miss
Riverdale Teen Queen, !

Smile, dear, the world is watching.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- [LAUGHS]

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

[AUDIENCE CONTINUES
APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[RINGS]

Hey, Pop!

Uh, Cheryl said I should be
expecting a call any minute.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

You go right ahead, young man.

Hello? Midge?

Fangs. Honeybun. It's so
good to hear your voice.

I know, baby.

I miss you.

Me, too.

It happened so fast, Fangs. I... I...

I still can't believe it.

Mrs. Cooper talked to my mom,
and the next thing I knew,

I was in the car being
driven to the convent.

What are we gonna do?

The same thing that
we talked about, Midge.

You just...

You just have to stay
strong while you're in there.

I will. You know I will.

And trust me when I say,

we're gonna get through this, Midge,

and we're gonna be a family,

and we're gonna get married,

come hell or high water.

You believe me, don't you?

Of course I do.

With all my heart and soul.

That's my girl.

Oh, Fangs, I...

I love you.

I love you, too.

Mom...

I was just going to get some milk.

Is everything okay?

Is this sour grapes because
Ethel won and I lost?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

You think you know
everything, don't you, Betty?

Open it.

_

Wait, Ethel didn't win?

That's right.

Your father and the judges were furious

when I read her name instead of yours.

But what could they do?

They couldn't contradict me.

It would have been an embarrassment
to them and the station.

Such are the hazards of live television.

[EXHALES] I don't understand.

You...

You wanted Ethel to win after all?

Maybe...

Maybe I truly believe

that Miss Riverdale Teen
Queen can change lives,

even a life as broken
and hopeless as Ethel's.

Or maybe I just didn't want you to win.

I guess you'll never know.

But know this, Elizabeth,

even with all your
do-gooding and grandstanding,

Ethel would have lost.

Her life is gonna be
better because of me.

You remember that.

No matter what happens next.

You can say whatever
you want to me, Mom.

Downplay,

equivocate.

But you did a decent thing for once.

And I may not understand the reason why,

but I'm choosing to
believe that deep down,

you are a kind,

caring,

good person.

You think so, do you?

I do.

And I love you.

[SOBS SOFTLY]

♪ The hands of time ♪

♪ Keep turning round ♪

♪ Around and round... ♪

[BETTY] Dear Monica Posh...

Dear Sandy Sapphire...

Dear Coral Peasebottom...

Dear Bitsy Block...

Dear Carrie Carryon...

Dear Edith Cupps...

First, let me begin by saying

you are not alone in this world.

And though it may not
feel like it today,

there is hope for a better tomorrow.

In fact, we girls are that hope.

[BELL CHIMES]