01x01 - Series 1, Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

How much is all this worth anyway?

I don't know. Like, ten...

..seven... This one's probably
about f*cking or something.

We could be looking at making,
like, quid, like.

Oh, boy, that's class.
New pair of shoes, boy.

We could get so much with this.
Yeah! What are you getting?

See, I've seen a f*ckin', erm,
a big blow-up doll in, erm...

..in the shop.
It's, like, this woman, right?

And she's got, like, long,
curly blonde hair

and when you squeeze her tits

she goes, "Ooh!"

What does she go? Do it again?

She'll go...

"Ooh!"

When you squeeze her arse
as well, she'll go

"Ooh!"

I would call mine Sapphire.

I'd call mine Reuben.

That's a guy's name, though.

No, it's not, is it? Yeah, Reuben.

Yeah, that's a guy's name.

Reuben...

Reuben. Reuben!

Yeah, see? Reuben... Oh, yeah.

sh*t.

f*ck.

"Ooh!"

"Sapphire, ooh!"

That handsome-lookin' fella there
is me, Conor MacSweeney.

"Ooh!"
And that's me best pal, Jock.

Everyone's always going on about me
trying to be just like him.

What a load of bullshit!

Yeah, we have similar haircuts,
but that's just the fashion.

Aside from that, we have our
own individual sh*t goin' on.

Jock's the kind of fella
who'd do anything for a friend.

Like that time I bumped
into Billy Murphy...

Hi, how's it goin'?

..and he wanted to borrow me phone.

Give me yer f*ckin' phone!

HE GIGGLES

He's the local nut job.

Jock found this site on the internet

where ya can send them photos
of someone

and they'd send ya back
a mask of their face.

All right, Billy?

He then stole a bike from outside
the Garda station

which belonged to Sergeant Healy.

When they went lookin' for Healy's
bike in Billy's gaff,

they found hash plants instead.
Shitloads of them.

Ya c**t! I'm gonna f*ckin' k*ll ya.
Shut the f*ck up!

Do you like that? Do you like that?

Go on, get your tongue up me hole,
prick. Shut up! Come on!

Come on, Healy, you'd like that,
wouldn't ya?

And that was the end
of me getting mugged.

Get into the f*cking car!

It turned into a bit of
a cat-and-mouse game

between Healy and Jock after that.

And, you know... Thank you!

Healy!

And here we are, minding our own
business when...

There's two young fellas
up on the roof stealing my lead.

All right, boy?

What the f*ck are you doing?

Up there.

f*ckin' idiots.

Quick, put that on.

This is a girl's mask.

It's all they had
in the Halloween shop.

They only had one mask
in the Halloween shop? Yeah.

Wait, look!

Don't move!

Hey!

Whoa!

What are we gonna do?
We can make that.

No, we can't! I've got short legs

and definitely not
with these bags of lead.

I'll hold yer hand.

f*ck off. Come on, that way if you
don't make it, I can pull you up.

What choice do we have?

f*ck it. All right.

On three?

BOTH: One...

Two...

Three!

AARGH!

A-aargh!

Let go of my f*ckin' hand!

Right, come on.

Principal Walsh's daughters.

f*ck!

Did they see our faces?
I don't know.

f*ck it! Come on! sh*t!

Jock's become a bit of a legend
around Cork city.

No-one knows it's him behind the
mask. They just call him...

..Fake Billy.

All right, Fake Billy?

Who's the girlfriend?
I'm not his girlfriend!

f*ck you! f*ckin' langers!

Oh, f*ck! f*ck, sh*t...

Will you f*ckin' hurry up?

You try doin' this on a racer!

Jock, wait up!

What is it? This lead is killin' me.
I'm gettin' rid of it.

Yeah, good idea,
I left mine in the dumpster.

Come on!

This is the English Market
in the centre of the city.

And that's me mam.

She works as a fishmonger.

Mam had me when she was ,

which was old for our neighbourhood.

The market is a lovely place
for a bike ride

if you ever get the chance.

Sorry! Coming through!

'Scuse me!

Sorry! f*ck me! You all right?

Sorry about that!

'Scuse me, coming through.
Sorry! Sorry, like.

Mam has f*ck-all going for her.

I mean, I'm pretty much
her pride and joy.

Little f*ckin' knacker.

Why is there always some dickhead

painting something
when you're in a hurry?

Move, move, move!

My good paint! Jesus!

What the f*ck's wrong with yous?

Just keep rubbing it fast. I can see
it coming off slowly.

I gotta get home for dinner.
Mam's gonna k*ll me. Not like this.

Every guard in the city's looking

for two kids covered in
this yellow sh*t.

What are we supposed to do so,
go home naked?

There's a lot of mad f*ckers in our
neighbourhood

so you can get away with pretty much
anything without being judged.

Well... Most of the time.

Gimme yer f*ckin' wallets!

Do we look like we got wallets?

Nah, go on. See ya in school
tomorrow, John-Paul.

Jock says stealin' is only really
stealin'

when you rob somethin' people
give a sh*t about.

And no-one gives a flyin' f*ck
about school uniforms.

We go to St Finan's
Community School

which is the only school
in the country

with a condom machine
in the toilets.

And this is our beloved principal,
Barry Walsh.

Your da's a prick!

f*ckin' Walsh's daughters...

Do you think they know it was us?

Nah...

We'd have been arrested already if
they did, like. Yeah, that's true.

BOTH: Bollocks!

We're gonna have to use
a carrot and a stick.

Where we going to get them?

No, ya tool, it's an expression.

We try and get them on our side by
danglin' a carrot in front of them.

And if that doesn't work then
we hit them with a stick.

Why?

Not a real carrot
and not a real stick.

We're just gonna go over
an' flirt with them

and ask them to keep their
mouths shut. No!

I can't talk to them, boy.
They're girls.

There's nothing to be scared of.
Girls are just guys with tits.

Just do exactly what I do.

OK.

Just do exactly what you do.

OK? OK?

Not now. Not now.

When we get up there... Up there.

You don't have to do it now.
..do it now.

Stop! Stop!

f*ck off! f*ck off!

How's it goin'? How's it goin'?

Hi. Would you look who it is?

Fake Billy and his girlfriend.

Shh! It's a secret.

I'm not his girlfriend.

Relax, babe.

Who knows? Him.

Him. Me. Me. Now the two of you.
Now the two of you.

Promise not to tell anyone?

Depends. What's in it for us?
Come 'ere and I'll tell ya.

What's that? What's what?

That little spot there on your lip?

That's just my lip.

Is it on my lip now?

Yeah, it is. Is it, yeah?

You all right?

INTERNALLY: Just copy
what Jack does...

Just copy...

What are you doin'?

I was lookin' over yer shoulder.

And I thought I saw somethin'
but it's gone now, so...

You're unreal at that.
You're not too bad yerself.

Where'd you get that from?

It's just practice, isn't it?

I used to use, like, a load of
tongue when I was younger.

But you realise fast enough

that that's not really the best
method. Yeah, I know.

You can never go with the washing
machine. That just doesn't work.

Let's do that again.

What's, erm...

..what's it like being adopted?

I'm not adopted.

Hmm.

Is...? Er. OK.

Er... Why? What makes you think
I am adopted?

No, like, I don't think you are,
it's just...

..er...you look adopted.

How do I look adopted?

Your hair is, like...really...

..black.

Trying to say I'm black?

You're...you're black?

I didn't even notice.

You didn't? No.

Are you serious?

Oh, it's... You barely...
Like, I see past pigment.

Can we change the subject?

Hi, sir.

I need to speak to you two
in my office, now. Go.

See ya soon.

Go, will ya? Go!

I don't want you going
near the two of them.

BOTH: Why?

It's embarrassing, OK? How is it
embarrassing?

It's embarrassing for you?
It's embarrassing for us.

We get picked on every day and
you're just here making a scene?

I'm the principal of the school.

Everyone's looking! I'm your father,
it's my school.

I don't want you being with those
two lads. You're making a scene.

Look, I'll talk to you later on
and you're in trouble.

You're in big trouble. Yeah.
See you for dinner, so.

Right, that's it. You're both
grounded as well. I love you.

Yeah, you're not going anywhere.
Bye. See you at dinner!

This is the closest Healy has got to
catching Jock

in a whole year of chasing him.

What a dickhead!

Your daughters are fine-looking
girls, Principal Walsh.

You must be very proud.

They have nice clear skin,
which is rare for our age.

Give me that!

Two masked teenagers from this
school are wanted for robbery

and causing destruction of property
in the city yesterday.

They fit your description.

Imagine that. Yeah, imagine.
Imagine that. Imagine that.

Sorry, I don't understand what
you mean, our description?

Well, one of them was tall, lanky,
skinny, kind of goofy lookin'.

The other one... Small and fat.

Sort of ridiculous and slower.
Much slower than the other one.

There's lots of people that
look like us.

Our haircut, everyone copied us
once we got our hair cut.

People are even trying to grow
to look like us.

And shrink to look like us.

Where were you yesterday,
both of you?

Mm... Not where you think we were,
anyway.

No. Oh, yeah? Where were you? Where?

With Con's mam.

With your mam? With your mam?

Yep.

This was gonna hurt.

Mam has only two gears -

and one of them is broken.

I'm just off the phone to your
principal.

What trouble has this dickhead
got you into this time?

What are you blaming him for?

Cos you'd jump off a building
if he f*ckin' told you to.

No, I wouldn't...

Would you jump off a building? No.

Stupid.

A-a-argh!

Did you not get me text?

"If anyone asks, me
and Jock were with you. Nice one."

You for f*ckin' real?

They said you're wanted
for stealing. That's strange.

Definitely, I'd remember
something like that.

We didn't. We didn't.

Where were you?

Just...just hanging out, like.

Well, he's bringing me
into the f*ckin' school tomorrow.

Tell him that we were with you

and it'll be fine, all right?

You're a f*ckin' tit-wreck
of a child, you know that?

I'd do what to a child?

What?!

I think you have smashing tits,
Mairead.

Jesus, Jock, would you f*ck off to
your own house?

I was just complimenting...

See you later, yeah? Yeah, I'll call
over to you after dinner.

Why are you always giving Jock such
a hard time?

Cos he's a total f*ck-up and you're
trying to be just like him.

No, I'm not.

You don't know what he's
really like. No?

Tell me, so.
What's he really like?

He's...he's sound.

A laugh to be around. He's
not like the other fellas in school.

He makes me feel...

..warm.

Are you gay? Is that what this is?

It's all right if you are. It would
actually explain a lot.

No, Mam, I'm not gay.

But if I were, like,
hypofarically... Hy...

Hypothetically. Hypothetically,
if I were,

he'd be the guy
I'd want to be gay with.

I actually just got
a mental picture of...

SHE LAUGHS
..Jock bumming you.

And it wasn't pretty!

You think Jock would be bumming me?

I'd be bumming Jock! No.

If anyone's bumming anyone... No!

No, Jock would be bumming you.
You'd be his little bitch.

We'd take it in turns.

Oh, Jesus.

Your dad was just like that.
He'd always have a laugh like that.

All we need to do is burn our
uniforms

and nothin' will get
traced back to us.

Me jumper's gone.

Who the f*ck would take a school
jumper covered in paint?

Whoo!

MUSIC: Peter And The Wolf
by Prokofiev

CLANKING AND YELLING

Billy Murphy?!
When the hell did he get out?

Not sure, but this could work
out well for us.

We just let him wear
that jumper round town.

The police will think it
was him who did it.

What?

Mam stitched me name
on the inside of that jumper.

Come on.

Hooo!

All right, Billy.
HE LAUGHS

All right, Billy.

SMASHING, CAT YOWLS

All right, lads.

What the f*ck do you want?

Nothin', just sayin' hi.

And I definitely don't want that
jumper you're wearin'.

Why don't you want it?

Is there something wrong with it?
No. Just don't want it.

It's not something
I'd ever wear, like.

Well, maybe I'll make ya wear it.

There's no f*ckin' way you would
make me wear that thing.

If I want you to wear it, you're
going to f*ckin' wear it, all right?

Not a chance, boy!

That's it. You'll f*ckin' wear it!

All right, all right, he'll wear it.

Won't you, Jock?

What?

I've changed my mind.

I thought you just said you were
gonna make him wear it.

No. Now I'm the one
who's gonna wear it, all right?

Great, cos I don't wanna wear it.
It's a manky old thing.

If I want you to wear it, you're
gonna f*ckin' wear it, all right?

There's no way you'll ever get that
jumper on him.

Look, I'm f*ckin' sick sh*t of the
two of ye, all right?

Give me your fags and your money

or I'll kick the livin' sh*t
out of the pair of ye.

Come on!

You're lucky I didn't give you
a f*ckin' dig.

HE COUGHS AND GROANS

Tell your mam I was askin' for her,
all right?

Hiya. How's it going?

You're from the fish stall in the
market, yeah?

I'm the mackerel guy!

That's what you say
when you're serving me.

I know who you are.
What are you doing here?

Got to question a few scumbags
about a robbery.

What about you?

My son is not a scumbag.

f*ck.

Thanks for coming in, Ms MacSweeney.

Fifth time this year? Fourth. Oh.

So, Conor and Jock said they were
with you on Wednesday.

That's correct.
We went to the cinema.

What did you go and see?

One of the Batmans.

I don't know which one.

Don't ask me.
I wasn't paying attention.

Which one? The second one.

Batman II.

What came out about years ago,
you know that, yeah?

Special screening.

We saw the editor's cut. Mm-hm.

What cinema did you go to?

ALL ANSWER DIFFERENTLY

Can we cut the bullshit, yeah?

Cut the bullshit?

I came here of my own free will to
answer one simple f*ckin' question.

Was my son Conor and his friend Jock
with me on Wednesday?

And the answer's yes.

We went to see a film.

Me, Conor, Jock. Got popcorn.

End of f*ckin' story.

Do you recognise this?

The same... One there.

One there.

Guards on patrol retrieved it

from a homeless fella seen wearing
it around town.

Give us the jumper.

You're not f*ckin' getting it!

Try it on.

It smells and it's dirty, like.
I'm not putting this on.

Put the f*ckin' thing on!

It's just my size. Can I keep it?

When it comes to delay tactics,
I'm pretty much an expert.

I'll hold your head.
You'll push your head out forward.

All right, that's it! Push.

Argh!

Well, you know what they say.

If the slipper fits,

you've found your glove.

What have you got there?

MAIREAD: Get off of him!

Come on. Hold his nose!

Hold his nose!

Open your f*ckin' mouth.
Don't open it, Con.

Swallow it.

GASPING FOR BREATH

I bet they're gonna do that
good cop, dickhead cop thing.

Yeah, definitely.

Your mam'll be the good cop, the
other two will be the dickheads.

You know I'd go to prison for you in
the mornin' if you asked me to.

I'd do the same for you, but we're
goin' to get through this.

I'm telling ya, the plan will work.

We stick with it.

Jock, we want to speak to Conor on
his own for a minute.

No, I want Jock here.

I'm goin' to advise him.
You mean intimidate?

Intimate? Not intimate, intimidate.

And you know exactly what I mean!

Not really. Which one was I doin'
with your daughter yesterday?

That was intimate I think,
not the other one.

Can we get on with this?

Conor, they have yer school jumper,
they know it was you.

Sgt Healy has promised, if you tell
the truth, he won't press charges.

What, so they can
arrest Jock instead, is it?

People take home the wrong school
jumper all the time.

Why do you think she felt the need
to name tag it in the first place?

We didn't do nothin'.
Why are you covering for him?

Do you really think
he'd do the same for you?

He's like an addict,
covering for his addiction.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

If Jock were a powder you'd be
injecting him or snorting him.

So what if I was snorting him?

Better snortin' him than one of them
other borin' pricks in my year.

Watch your language.

What did I say? You said prick.
Prick's not a bad word.

Yes, it is. Is prick a bad word?

Yes, it is, and stop saying it.

sh*t and f*ck are bad words,
prick's just a bit of fun.

Prick is just as bad as
sh*t and f*ck.

You're not allowed say any of them!

What about c**t?

What?

Conor. Please, don't make me one of
them single mothers

with a convicted son.

Youth Detention Centres are
designed to help people like Jock,

but it won't suit a cute little
fella like you.

Trust me.

You know what?

You all have it in for Jock.

Everyone does.

The only person that's
on his side is me

and you're sayin'
I should f*ck him over.

He's so misjudged, like.

He doesn't have it easy,

but he doesn't bitch and moan
about it like most people.

He rarely says nasty stuff about
anyone.

And he's gonna be one of them
fellas

who does something great
with his life.

There's no way in hell
I'd ever turn my back on him

so you can all f*ck off.

All right, then.

You leave me with no choice.

Have you nothing
to say for yourself?

Yeah. You can suck my...
BELL RINGS

YELLING AND CHEERING

Get out of it, you little pricks!

Little scum.

I'm so sorry about the
misunderstanding.

It's not me you should be
apologising to.

Don't worry about it,
Principal Walsh.

Everyone makes enormous
mistakes sometimes.

Is there a f*g machine inside there?

Not in the school.

Down at the corner, Mary's.

See ya.

Prick. Who said that?

Who said that?!

Told ya it would work.

I didn't say it wouldn't,
I just said it was risky.

It's amazing what people will do
for two bags of lead.

We can't do it until
after GAA practice.

That's fine.
Just make sure Conor and Jock

are with Principal Walsh
when it happens.

We're from Northern Ireland.

How did you do them real tears?

I just taught about my dad dyin'.

Cool.

Everyone says I'm forever mimicking
Jock, but that's a load of bollocks.

We're just best friends
and we like the same sh*t.

Anyone who has a best friend would
understand that.

We own this city.

It's ours.