02x06 - Series 2, Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

Things have been
a little tense recently.

Everybody seems to be
getting on somebody's tits.

I was annoyed with Linda.
f*ck's sake!

Linda was annoyed with me.
Moron!

Barry was annoyed with Jock.
f*ckers! Bastards!

Jock was annoyed with
Barry. Dickhead.

And me mum was annoyed with me,
Jock and Barry.

Shut up!

Langer, dickhead, gowl!
Out the f*cking way.

And with the baby getting so close,
it's fair to say that Siobhan

was getting a little bit bothered
by it all.

My baby will be born in a few weeks

and nobody can f*cking
get the f*ck on!

So Orla had an idea.

So I thought it would be really nice
if we all went away.

Oh. Yeah...i-it would be.

For a weekend or something.
I'd like that.

Like a big family.

Well...that's what we're
going to be, I suppose. Yes.

And I'm really happy about it.
Me too.

And so we were off to
Kerry for the weekend,

to show Siobhan we can all get along
because at the end of the day,

all mams need our support.

Mam, you've got to lift with your
knees, not with your back. Come on.

Do you think you'll decide to give
me a f*cking hand at any stage, like?

Good morning, Mairead!

Love what you've done with your
herbaceous borders there.

What's that that you've planted?

Er...that's just grass, Orla.
Beautiful.

Story. How's it going?

So, thinking of a couple of names
again last night.

So, what about Beyonce?

We might as well be calling
our baby Jesus or something.

What about Madonna? Or is that
a bit too old? She a bit dated?

That's a bit dated.
Let's hit the road, shall we?

The sooner we get there,
the sooner it's over.

You do one f*cking thing
to ruin this trip... Yeah.

...and I'm telling you now,

when we get home, there'll be
f*cking w*r, OK?

Yeah. OK? Not a thing.
Don't you worry about it.

Keep smiling. Yeah.
Keep smiling. Don't worry.

The less I enjoy it, the more
I'll smile, so I won't stop smiling.

Good. Good.

All right, Barry? Orla, hi. Hiya,
Jock. How are you getting on? Good.

Looking forward to it? Catch you in a bit, yeah?
Can't wait. Catch you in a bit. Can't wait.

Shotgun! Looking forward to
spending some time with Linda?

f*ck, no.

Why would I?
I don't care about Linda.

Oh, you're just upset because she
went on a date with Eoin O'Hanlon.

No, I'm f*cking not! All right.
I didn't even remember that!

Because I was too busy not
thinking about Linda. All right.

You know, the countryside's
a very romantic place.

I defy any woman to look at
the harshest knob

and not feel
a stirring in the heart.

Ain't that right, Mairead?

Mairead!

It is right, though, isn't it?
It's right.

Just drive the f*cking car, Barry, will you?
I can't find the f*cking keys. Yeah, typical.

Ruining it before we even
f*cking get going!

Jock's mam gave birth to him

prematurely in Dunnes Store shopping
centre, so as a result, every time

Siobhan does a hiccup, he thinks
she's going to pop the baby out.

What are they pulling over for?
I don't f*cking know why.

Do you think she's all right?

What's up?! What's up?!
H-H-Have your waters broken?!

No, I just need a piss.

Found some tissues, love.

I'll help you wipe yourself,
all right?

Relax. Relax. Just, er...
she needs to go for a piss.

When I was younger,
I used to have difficulty acting

cool in front of girls but lately,
I've f*cking nailed it.

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine,
why? Just asking. I'm good.

I'm really good. I bet you are. Why?

So, I heard you went on a date with
Eoin O'Hanlon the other day.

Sort of.

We just went to McDonald's, like.

I hope you two
are very happy together.

Genuinely.

I was actually... I was on a date
earlier as well. That's good.

Yeah, it was. It was...great.

She lives, she's from down...
Germany, so...

you wouldn't know her, like.
What's her name?

Her name? Yeah.

sh*t! f*ck!

Fucks!

Hey, Jock. It's all right.

Do you come around here often,
would you?

Just on holidays.

I like the same holiday every year,
so... Same holiday every year? Hm?

Same holiday every year.
Same holiday every year. Yeah?

What are they doing over there?

Those lads.

My, oh, my, that takes me back.

They're county trimming.

What? Those Kerry boys there,
they're moving the Welcome to Kerry

sign a little bit down the road and
stealing a bit of Cork.

You might not think it to look at me
now, but I once stole...

Argh! Drop that sign, you pricks!
Nobody fucks with my county!

You hit me right in the bollocks,
you bastard! Nice one, dickhead!

Chris has got over a foreskin
infection! Don't tell him that!

See you later, Barry.

That's not how you do
county trimming.

What took you so long?

If you really want to know,
I had piss running down my legs

and mum had to wipe.
f*cking hell, Barry, you had to ask.

Barry's actually k*ller.

Hurry the f*ck up! We're going to
teach those Cork langers a lesson.

The rivalry between Cork

and Kerry has gone back
as far as caveman days.

You'd think by now Kerry people
would've given up

and just admit that us Cork
people are better than them.

Hold back, hold back.

We don't want them to know
that we're following them.

Be careful with that now!

This cottage has been generously
lent to us by Brendan Cooley

and those statues are his pride
and joy. Who's Brendan Cooley?

Brendan Cooley is chair of the
board of management of St Finnian's.

Remember, my school? A man I not
only know in a professional capacity

but I'm proud to say is
a close personal friend,

so please, treat this house
as you would your own.

Or actually, better.

Considerably better.

Yeah, treat it right.
How are you, babe?

Rrrr!

Those f*cking Cork cocks will wish
they never came to Kerry.

Oh, this is f*cking brilliant.

Look at the size
of this clock.

Why, we're going to be telling time

like the f*cking King of England
or something.

Well, this is gorgeous!

Barry, Orla, I just want to say
you've organised the whole thing,

you should take the master suite.

Siobhan and I will be happy enough
with the second-best double, yeah?

I think it's best if Siobhan shares
with Linda, don't you? No.

Jock, why don't you take the sofa?
Yeah.

And don't you even try anything,

you oversexed, under-aged
little bollocks!

I've got an enlarged prostate,
huge, up every hour on the hour.

About to burst.

Checkmate.

Barry. What are you doing?

Just doing a quick inventory
of the cutlery and plates.

Big group, you know. These things
can easily go missing or... Or what?

I've been trusted with an important
man's spoons, Mairead.

I take that responsibility
seriously. You must...

let me know how much I owe you for
all of these...

organic groceries that
I didn't know you were buying.

Oh, no, no. You're grand.
Don't worry about it.

No, I-I can afford to pay.

You certainly have enough
money for cigarettes.

We might be hard up
some of the time,

but we're not eating out of bins.
Jock.

This bone's still got chicken on it.

No, no. I realise that.
I didn't mean...

No, no, no, just let me know
the cost.

euros.

That's a lovely gesture, Orla,
thank you for paying for it.

Appreciate that.

Conor, come in, Conor.

If you're near the kitchen there, will
you get me a can of Tanora, please?

Kkkrrr! Roger that. Kkkrrr!

What the f*ck is that? It's a
baby monitor. I got it for you.

That's not a baby monitor. What do
you mean it's not a baby monitor?

Look at it. Definitely small
and pink.

It's a baby monitor.
How does it work?

I push the button, say,
"Are you OK?"

And then the baby picks it up
and goes, "Yes."

That's a kid's walkie-talkie.

It's Olga.

What?

Olga.

That's the...the German girl
I was talking about.

I shifted her, she thought it was
great, like.

Said it was delicious.

Is that what she said in German
to you?

What did she exactly say?

sh*t! f*ck!

f*ck! sh*t!

For f*ck's sake.

I already told you, there's
no service in the house.

Who do you need to be messaging
anyway? We're on holiday.

Texting Conor? Conor?

He's in the same building.

Linda, Orla, come into the kitchen,
will you?

Come on, please.
Thank you. Sit down.

Now, those of you who've had the
pleasure of being on holiday with me

before may have an inkling as to
what's coming next. Oh, no.

That's right.
I've done an itinerary. Dad, no.

Every second is accounted for
on these spreadsheets,

which means maximum fun.
The holiday starts now.

What the f*ck was that?!
Someone threw a rock. What?

Why is no-one checking the story with the
baby? Are you all right? Is the baby OK?

No, she's got you as a father.
Barry!

It's the lads from the border. The
ones pissing about with the sign.

Are you OK? I'm all right.
They missed.

Some people just don't learn,
do they?

Well, if it's a fight they want,
it's a fight they're going to get.

Sit down! You've done enough
already. Chucking stones at people.

This is your fault.
I'll deal with it now.

Thank you.

Right. Come out.
Come on, I know you're there.

I'm sorry to inform you boys
but I'm a principal

and when you mess with one
principal, you mess with us all.

There's a WhatsApp group,
did you know that?

Ah! Gone a bit quiet now, hasn't it?
So, where do you boys go, then?

St Brendan's? St Mary's?

Yeah, that would be the catchment
area, wouldn't it?

Tell you what, do say hello to
Mr Kennedy for me on Monday morning.

Or maybe I should call him myself.
Get yourselves home.

We'll have no more trouble now.
Consider that dealt with.

You know, a lot of these boys don't
have father figures in the home.

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

No, I'm stressed and when I'm
stressed, the baby's stressed.

You're stressed? You don't have to
explain all this to Brendan Cooley.

That's it. Nobody stresses out
my foetus. Sit down.

Don't you see that's what they want?

Try and at least act like you've
got a brain. Barry. Oh, yeah?

What do you suggest we do? Don't
even dignify them with a response.

What? Yeah. Sometimes the best
revenge is to live well.

In our case, why don't we tuck into
a Darina Allen shepherd's pie?

Amen.

ALARM BEEPS
The little bastards!

Did they just cut the power?
Well, that's dinner f*cked!

Can we not just use the microwave?
Yeah, no problem, yeah.

Light the fire in the microwave,
you dickhead. Barry!

Right. They've crossed a line now.

This is a matter for the guards.

Will someone turn off
the f*cking alarm?

Dammit! Did they cut
the phone line, Barry?

Yes. They've cut the phone line.

They're really going for it,
aren't they?

f*ck this.

I'll get to the bottom of this!

Jesus Christ!

All right. Now listen.
I'm sorry about before.

But now I've come to talk and
listen. Now you've made your point.

What is it that you want?
Come on, I know you can hear me.

What do you want?
Show us your d*ck!

OK, come on.

I'm sure that's not what you want.
Get your cock out!

I like a laugh
as much as the next person,

but let's be serious now, OK?

Get your cock and balls out.
Get your little Mickey out.

Right.

Clearly you don't want to be
spoken to like grown-ups. Fine!

Absolutely pathetic.

I assume you heard all that,
did you?

I really don't know
what the big deal is, Barry.

Can you not just give them
what they want

so that we can all
get on with our holiday?

I'm a principal.

I'm not going to go
waving my willy around

so you can enjoy the Ring of Kerry.

No, no, no, Barry, I agree with you.

You can't negotiate with t*rrorists.

Show them your lad, they're going
to want to see your balls.

Show them your balls, they're going
to want to see your hole.

And then what? Well, they want
to bend you over and start...

Yeah, yeah, we get it.
You see, the thing is, Barry,

all right? You've got book smarts,

but when it comes to the way of
the street, you're in...

What's that class called where
me and Con get to do the pictures?

Remedial. Remedial.

When it comes to the way of
the streets, Barry,

you're in the remedial class, OK?

Me and Con will take it
from here on out.

No, you won't!

Oh, yeah, because you handled
it so brilliantly.

Like, no offence, but they might
want to talk to someone

their own age.

Relax, Barry.

We're not stupid.

We're not going to do anything
to inflame this situation.

Right, you bunch of
cousin f*ckers,

if it's a fight ye want,
it's a fight you're going to get.

This rock has your name on it, boys.

Come at me! f*ck, boys.

Come on, please leave.

You f*cking bastards!

Man down!

Man down, f*ck!

Oh, my God.

Conor? Conor, can you hear me?

Conor?
Grade A bit of parenting, Mairead.

Linda? He's coming round.

Conor? Linda?

Conor.

You all right?

When you go through
a near-death experience

like I just did,
you can focus your attention

on what's important in your life.

We've all the time in the world.

It's over.

Didn't even hurt.
I don't f*cking care.

What are we going to do now, then?

Oh, I've an idea, actually, Orla.

When my dad was in prison...
Oh, Christ, here we go. Sh.

...he said that when they didn't
have weapons, they'd do, like,

a sh*t in their hands.

What, there must be, like,
eight of us here?

If we all did one,
I could go up to the skylight

and throw it at the lads.

That's surely going to dampen
their spirits, isn't it?

Jock, I think even
if that did work,

we're not going to feel like
having a family holiday afterwards.

So what are we going to do now?

The only thing we can do.

We wait.

Stop.

Am I the only one
still playing Monopoly?

For God's sake, Orla,
this is a hostage situation.

He always gets like that when
somebody else buys Shrewsbury Road.

How much longer
is this going to go on for?

Don't worry,
they'll break soon enough.

There's a load of them
out there right now.

They've got a campfire going,
they're drinking out of cans.

Oh...

They're f*cking barbecuing sausages.

I know, right?

Barbecue's my favourite
type of dinner as well.

I think my waters just broke.

Oh! Oh, sh*t!

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.
What does that mean? f*ck.

Jock? Babe, babe, babe, babe,
just breathe.

Barry, we have to get her out of
here. I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Well, if you had given them
a flash of your lad,

this would have been over hours ago.

And if you instilled a bit of
discipline into your household,

we wouldn't be in this
situation to begin with!

Oh, now I see it,
that's what do you think of us?

I saw you counting
the f*cking spoons earlier.

For f*ck sake, Mairead,

will you ever get that chip
off your f*cking shoulder?

Will you get the rod out of
your f*cking hole?

Do you see what happens, Orla?

When you try to be nice
to these people?

These people?!

Are you f*cking kidding me?

She's from our neighbourhood,
unless you forgot.

Your family are from the f*cking...

You f*cking bitch, you...

QUIET!

For f*ck sake,
I'm about to have a baby!

I'm f*cking scared to death.

And none of you can get on
for two f*cking seconds.

I'm sorry, love.

We're all a bit hyper.

I think I've got an idea
to get us out of here.

And it doesn't involve sh1tting.

Those f*cking Cork lots
are up to something.

What the f*ck are they doing?
Come on, boys, quick.

They're on the move, look,
they're on the move!

All right, big shits,
give us your worst!

Bet you can't hit us! Agh!

f*cking pricks!
Come on, you langers!

Come on.

Is that all you've got?

I've heard that Kerry lads
don't have much fire in the t*nk!

He's talking about your bollocks.
Come on, boys!

Keep your head down.
Keep your head down.

Pricks!

Look at me, Con!
We'll get through this.

The baby's coming.
You'll get through this!

Come on.

Go to my car, go to my car!

Lads, come on!

They're running out of stones.

They're not running out
of f*cking stones,

it's a pebble driveway!

Come on! Oh, for f*ck sake,
Barry, come on!

I'm trying! Jesus Christ.

Just start the f*cking car, Barry!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

I can't even think about this now,
can I?

Just drive the f*cking car,
Barry, will you?

Con, Jock, get in!

Retreat, retreat!

Quick, now!

Go on, boys!

Come on!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh, I'm fine, too.

Go! Right. Come on!

Yeah, I know, it's grand,
don't worry.

Siobhan Walsh? Yeah.

We've your room ready for you
if you'd like to come with me. OK.

No, just Jock.

But sweetheart... No, Mum.

That's what I want.

You'll have to put these on. Right.

All right? Here, let me take your...

Rub her back.

Listen...

...I'm sorry about all the...

...stuff.

Aw, no, I...

I should be apologising
to the two of you, really.

Do you think she's
all right in there?

Yeah.

She's got Jock with her.

Sorry.

I'm a bit nervous,
I'm doing those farts

where you're not totally sure,
that's...

That's all they are.

It's not surprising
that nurses and doctors

have a reputation for being horny,
with everyone

showing their dicks and their
fannies to them all the time.

I guess a bit of that hospital
horniness must have

rubbed off on myself and Linda.

There it is.

f*ck off!

We're having sex, if you hadn't
noticed, show us a bit of respect!

Eh, where were we?

Here...

♪ Now I've got you in my space

♪ I won't let go of you... ♪

♪ I got you shackled in my embrace

♪ I'm latching on to you... ♪

♪ Now I've got you in my space

♪ I won't let go of you... ♪

♪ I've got you shackled
in my embrace

♪ I'm latching on to you

♪ I'm so encaptured

♪ You got me wrapped up... ♪

Wait.
♪ ..In your touch... ♪

The condom's still on.

And it's not broken.

♪ Hold me tight
within your clutch. ♪

I love you. I love you, too.

Oh, now, that's a baby.

Best baby ever.

How are you, boy,
are you all right? You good?

That was stressful, but, I'm OK now.

Wasn't his fanny it came out of,
was it? That's true.

Do you know what you're going
to call her?

We couldn't decide what star
to name her after, so...

...we settled on... Star.

Well done, love.

Yeah.

Come on, now, let's get a picture
of us all with the baby.

Jock, what the f*ck?
What?!

You're supposed to be wearing
your scrubs over your clothes.

What? Nobody told me.

Easy access.

Photos are great,
because people rarely take them

when everyone is looking pissed off.

And human memories
aren't that good... Ready?

...so when you look back
on them photos,

all you can remember
are the happy times.