(''DALLAS''-STYLE THEME MUSIC)
(g*nsh*t)
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Listen.
I've to got to see E.T.!
It's been out two years,
Mr Malvinas.
- Haven't you seen it yet?
- Not the film.
E.T. Fairfax, the new head
of Global Oil, your boss.
(BUZZER)
OK, Mr Malvinas,
Mr Fairfax will see you now.
E.T.? What is the meaning of this?
I've just received this memo.
Have you gone kooky?
In the one day
since inheriting Global Oil,
you've managed to dispose of assets
worth over six billion dollars!
What is this?
''All annual profits to be donated
''to the Brothers of the Soil commune
in Wales, England.
''All petroleum and oil to be sold
at a retail price of p a gallon.
''All oil wells to be given, tax-free,
to anyone really nice you can find.''
What is this, E.T.?
Some kind of sick joke?
Hello. Would you like a cup
of herbal tea?
- No, I do not!
- No tea.
My God! What are you doing now?
Yeah.
Listen, this company's done some
pretty heavy things over the years.
It better get beautiful
or this planet's headed for oblivion.
My God, you're right, E.T. Why am I
wearing these businessman's clothes?
I gotta take them off
before I become a computer.
Yeah! Let's make a teepee
out of the desk!
Yeah, you're beautiful.
Let's be Indians!
Woo! Woo! Woo!
Oh, far out!
Do you hear the bells, E.T.?
They're dancing
and loving each other,
and it's all thanks to you, E.T.!
(VYVYAN) Shut up, you bastardsI
What?
(CHURCH BELLS RING)
(VYVYAN) Shut up, you bastardsI
Oh, no.
Shut up, you bastards!
It's only eleven o'clock!
(VYVYAN) Oh, GodI Shut up, pleaseI
Turn the bloody bells offI
Phwwooar!
- Morning, Vyvyan.
- Piss off.
Yes, it is, isn't it?
Vyvyan, do you remember anything...?
Look, stop trying to break
my concentration, Rick?
I'm trying to get rid
of this hangover!
Yes, it was quite a party last night,
wasn't it?
Morning, Michael. You're up early.
Well, I've got all the Sunday papers
to get through.
Quite a party last night, wasn't it?
Party? Must have been good,
I don't remember it.
Ha-ha... God!
- I'll just make some tea, shall I?
- Eh?
I thought I'd just make some tea.
Let's see. One cup, two cups,
three cups, four cups...
Oh, no! We've only got four cups,
and we need five!
- I said, we need five.
- There's one in the sink.
I expect you're wondering why we need
an extra cup, aren't you, Mike?
- No.
- You and me are men of the world.
Vyvyan and Neil wouldn't understand
that grown men like us need...
- We need...
- Two cups of tea.
Yes... No. I mean,
yes, we need two cups of tea,
- but we don't drink both of them.
- Exactly. One is for Trevor.
- Trevor?
- Yeah, you know, Trevor.
My friend who lives in the bin.
This bin?
He'd hardly live in a biscuit barrel.
- Why not?
- It's full of biscuits!
- Ah-ha.
- Rick. Rick.
- What?
- Trevor's tea.
- Yes...
- Trevor's tea.
Hello? Trevor?
My name's Rick. Yes. Hi.
I'm a close friend of Mike's.
I wondered if you fancied
a cup of tea. Oh, you don't? Oh.
No, he says
he doesn't think he'll bother.
Had you going, didn't I?
Talking to an empty bin? On a Sunday morning?
There's no one there. He's gone to church.
Well, then, I wonder
who the extra cup of tea is for?
(YELLS)
Neil's scalded me! I'm d*sfigured!
I am the Elephant Man!
Oh, no, Rick. Sorry, but there's
something freaky going on...
- Lick it up.
- What?
- Lick it up, every last drop. Now!
- Oh.
Oh, hang on. Has it got sugar in it?
- Yes, a bit. Yes.
- Well, I can't,
because sugar gives you brain damage.
Well, you shouldn't come stampeding in
like a long-haired elephant.
- You mean, like a mammoth?
- It doesn't matter. Start licking.
Well, it does matter, because
mammoths aren't long-haired,
they're more, like, woolly...
woolly mammoths.
Yes. Yes. And they're extinct.
Which proves what a bad analogy
it was, because I'm not extinct.
Just start clearing
this mess up! Pig!
- Oh, I'm a pig now, am I?
- Yes. Now get licking, Porky!
I don't mind being a pig, because
pigs are really intelligent, actually.
- Oh?
- Yeah, like dolphins.
Oh, are they? Well, who invented
the internal combustion engine?
Was it Porky the Pig?
I don't think it was, was it?
And the Theory of Relativity. Was
Pythagoras a pig? No, he was Greek.
So, tell me, Neil, what's the major
piggy contribution to civilization?
- Hmm?
- Um...
It's bacon, isn't it?
Bacon and rolling around in the mud.
Look out, Michelangelo, here comes
the new piggy Renaissance!
Good morning, everybody.
I just can't get rid
of this hangover.
That'll teach you to mix your drinks.
(BELL RINGS)
- Is this a cheese shop?
- No, sir.
Well, that sketch's knackered, then.
I said that'll teach you
to mix your drinks!
I already know how to mix my drinks.
Yeah. Paint stripper and bleach.
Lethal.
Eenie, meenie, minie, mo...
Oh, by the way, there's a couple
of strange girls in the bathroom.
Yeah, I saw one of them.
That was the really freaky thing.
Don't worry. She probably got lost
looking for my room.
I doubt it, actually, Mike, because,
as a matter of interest, everybody,
the girl in question...is with me!
- Eh?
- Hello! Hello!
Easter eggs all round!
Hello, everybody!
I'm the Easter Bunny!
- But it's June th.
- What?
It's the middle of summer, Big Ears.
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
What? You mean, you,
like, scored with a chick?
Well, I wouldn't put it
in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
Wait. I get the girls around here.
There could be a copyright problem.
But I don't understand. How?
Was she unconscious?
What, Vyvyan? Do I detect
a little spark of jealousy?
Ha! Jealous? I find the idea
of spending a night with you revolting!
You know perfectly well what I mean.
Just because I was
the raunchiest guy at the party.
You passed out
after half a glass of cider.
Did I? That was anarchic!
Well, it just goes to show,
even unconscious, I pick up birds.
I mean, forge meaningful
relationships with birds...
uh, chicks...tarts...women.
- Damn! Women!
- I must be hallucinating.
- What's good for a hangover?
- Drinking heavily the night before.
Thanks, Mike.
Was it, like...
Was it the first time you've...?
(LAUGHS)
Listen to this! How could you think
such a thing? My first time!
What was it like?
Well, you know... It was sort of...
You know.
No, I don't.
Well, it was sort of...sexy.
Oh, God. I think I'm going
to be violently and copiously sick.
Go into lengthy and vivid detail
about the whole thing.
I'm going to bend over,
open my mouth,
and when the muscles in my alimentary
canal go into spasm...
Not you, Vyvyan! Rick.
I want to hear about it blow by blow!
Eh? Oh! (SPLUTTERS)
Well, what can I say?
Have you got a spare couple of days?
Yeah.
Well, what can I say? It was...
It was amazing. Pretty amazing.
We did everything.
Like what?
Like everything.
At one stage,
she even took her bra off.
So, I took my dungarees off, and...
- There's those girls!
- Hello.
- Good morning.
- Hi. Want to play strip poker?
Shut up, Mike. Hello.
I didn't hear you come in.
Oh, I did.
Uh... Come in. Uh... Sit down.
Uh... Have some breakfast.
Let me introduce everybody.
OK. Last one to find the animal
takes off their clothes.
- I found it. Your turn.
- (LAUGHS) This is Michael.
This is Neil. Go away.
That's Vyvyan...being sick.
Guys, this is...
(MUMBLES)
Who are you?
Oh, gosh! It's all so casual,
isn't it? It's Rick. Rick.
Nice day for it, isn't it?
Oh, no, I didn't mean for ''it''.
I meant, a nice day for weather.
Come along, Neil.
Get on with the breakfast.
- We haven't got all day.
- We have.
- What?
- It's Sunday. We have got all day.
That's not what I'm trying to say.
- What's the matter, Rick?
- Nothing. I'll just make breakfast.
I know what you're thinking.
You'd think I meant centimetres.
- I'm sorry?
- I bet you are.
Still, there's always tonight.
What's your name?
Promise you won't laugh? It's Helen.
(LAUGHS)
It's awful, isn't it?
Sounds like someone who looks
as if they've been to hell and back.
It's hideously embarrassing.
Still,
at least my surname isn't Back.
It'd be awful, wouldn't it?
Helen Back.
My surname is Mucous.
Get down and groove!
We dance all day in this house!
(RELIGIOUS CHORAL MUSIC)
- Vyv, you dancing?
- You asking?
- I'm asking.
- Well, piss off!
- I hope I'm not putting you all out.
- (ALL) No!
I hope you don't mind,
but I needed somewhere to stay.
When I saw you'd gone away,
I climbed through the window,
found an empty bed,
and went to sleep.
(ALL) Eh?
No. No, no, no, darling. No.
It wasn't an empty bed.
I was in there.
Were you?
You weren't when I woke up.
Rick, you bloody liar! You said you
done it... He said he done it to you!
Look. There's obviously been some
ghastly misunderstanding...
Ha-ha-ha! Rick is still a virgin!
- I'm not! I am not a virgin!
- Virgin! Virgin!
- Oh, God!
- Rick.
That'll teach you to cast aspersions
on my sexuality, Vyvyan.
Now, then. Who wants a boiled egg?
- Virgin!
- I'll have a boiled egg, Rick!
(RADIO ) We interrupt this programme
for an emergency newsflash.
A dangerous and vicious murderess
has escaped
from a maximum security jail
and is on the loose.
So, keep your doors
and windows locked!
♪ Captain Blood RadioI ♪
This is Captain Blood Radio,
broadcasting from degrees south
and degrees west of Dead Man's
Island in the medium wave area.
And the fishing is good tonight,
with the time coming up to...two inches.
I'm Billy Blood. This is
the Dull Religious Music Programme.
Phew! Yo-ho-ho, my arse!
That it would come to this.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Enter!
- Ah, Fletcher!
- No, sir. Smythe, the bo'sun.
You're right. Can't see a thing
with this patch on.
- Sir.
- You're a strapping young lad.
- Sit on Uncle Billy's knee.
- Aye, sir.
''Aye, sir''?! Was that some kind
of joke to my ocular capacity?!
No, Captain...
I'll show you what we do
with insubordination on my ship!
- Bo'sun!
- Yes, sir!
There you are.
Take him out and flog him.
Very good, Captain.
(BO'SUN) Ow! Ow! Thrash! Thrash!
Et cetera.
- Well?
- I flogged him, sir.
How much did you get? (LAUGHS)
- He'll rue the day he came to sea.
- See? See what? Was he blind?
No, Captain. I meant to say...
- Shut up, you fat cyclops!
- Who was that?
That was your parrot.
I don't have a parrot!
I hate the creatures!
Horrible, furry things, hopping around,
breeding, and eating carrots!
Next, you'll tell me
I've got a talking dog!
Slap my vitals! We scuppered!
No, it's definitely knackered.
I can hear something rattling inside.
Sorry. I don't know how
I spilled tea on it from here.
Yeah, it was weird.
You seemed to pick up the cup
and violently throw it at the radio.
- I must apologize.
- Oh, Neil does it all the time.
- Throws cups?
- No, apologizes.
Oh, hang on. I think I've fixed it.
(MAN) Good afternoon.
This is the objective and strictly
impartial BBC World Service,
operating on behalf
of the Conservative party.
And now a newsflash...
Ooh!
Oh, dear! Clumsy me.
I've done it again. What can I say?
How about,
''Mike, put your hand up my skirt.''
Excuse me. I do have a newsflash,
if anybody is listening.
Good idea.
Let's have breakfast in bed.
- I am not a virgin!
- Virgin!
Virgin! Virgin!
Alternatively,
we can have bed and breakfast.
I'm not a virgin! I am not a virgin!
All right. All right.
How come I know
what a girl's bottom looks like?
- From looking in the mirror.
- Damn!
(RADIO ) Listen, you stupid bastard,
I've been trying to tell you,
that girl with her hands over
Mike's ears is a dangerous murdererI
- That's it, baby. Treat me rough.
- No, a murdererI
That's better, now...
please... NoI No, you idiotI
I'm your last hopeI
- Missed me, virgin!
- I'm not a virgin!
Hey, I've just heard something
amazingly heavy on the radio!
- I'm not a virgin!
- Virgin! Virgin!
- I am not a...!
- (POP!)
Oh, no. The light bulb's gone.
Well, I'm not surprised,
considering you smell so much!
Rick, I'm not suggesting
your jokes are predictable,
but there are undiscovered tribes
in the Peruvian jungle
who knew you were going to say that.
The strange thing is, Rick was right!
That hippie really does pong!
Here's a joke, Rick, right?
How many people would it take
to change one light bulb?
One. Me, because I'm the only person
who ever does anything.
Oh, yes. What about Amazulu?
It's our song, baby. Let's dance.
♪ Got so much love
♪ So much love
♪ Got so much love
♪ So much love
♪ When we're together
and the lights start to dimmer
♪ Others move right out of view
♪ Yes, your soft
and tender arms around me
♪ Waste ain't cool,
'cause we are no fools...
Can you put me down now?
I'm getting vertigo.
Sure, Neil.
♪ So much love
♪ Got so much love for you,
and I know it's gonna last...
Neil, are you going to
change this light bulb?
Me and Mike are sick
of your laziness.
- Yeah, and me.
- Yes, and...thing.
♪ Order a drink,
'cause the last one's about to finish
♪ Moonlight romance,
nights to remember
♪ Take my arm as I call out a taxi...
- Amazulu.
- Is that right? Ah'm a Glaswegian.
♪ So much love
♪ Got so much love
♪ So much love
♪ Got so much love
♪ So much love
♪ Got so much love
♪ So much love
♪ Got so much love for you
and I know it's gonna last
♪ Got so much love for you
and I know it's gonna last
♪ Got so much love for you
and I know it's gonna last
♪ BrrrrrrrrrrrI ♪
Yes, very sweet, but can you go now?
We're changing the light bulb.
Thank you. Thank you.
When you're ready.
Right.
Stop sniveling, Neil.
It's because of you the bulb went.
Why can't we use the stepladder?
Honestly, Neil.
Of all the stupid ideas.
Don't worry, Neil. We've worked it out
to the minutest detail.
Your angle of trajection,
your specific velocity...
- Where to bury you.
- Where to bury you... No!
Only joking! You saw the dummy run
with a sack of potatoes.
That was a packet of Smash!
Everyone knows they're better than
real potatoes. That's what I mean.
And what's the problem, Neil?
The dummy run was a complete success.
What do you mean? The packet
was smashed into million pieces!
And every one of those pieces
was smashed into million pieces.
And, although at that point
I stopped counting, I...
Exactly. You are totally different
to Smash, so we should be all right.
Please, can we get on?
It's only Neil, for Cliff's sake!
Right. Don't worry, Neil.
Remember, as you pass the fitting,
change the bulb.
- Ready, guys? Five...
- (ALL) Four... Three... Two...
(SQUELCHY FART)
Don't worry, Neil.
That won't effect your weight.
Ready, guys? One!
Whoooooaa!
Oh, wow!
Oh, no, this carpet
really needs hoovering!
(SUCKS)
Strange. Every time I pull
at Neil's ankles,
flakes of crusty skin
come off beneath my fingernails.
That's his cornflakes. He keeps them
in his socks so I don't steal them.
What a nerdy!
I initial mine with sticky labels.
I just eat the labels as well.
- Come on!
- (YELLS)
The ceiling's fallen in,
but at least the bulb's OK.
Yeah. Here it is, safe and sound.
Where were we? Oh, yes... Virgin.
Virgin! Virgin!
Here we are, baby. Ready for fun,
ready for loving, and it's only one.
- Gosh, is that the time?
- No, that's a wristwatch.
- I must be going.
- Wait!
- What's foot long with a round end?
- I don't know.
Nor me, but I keep finding it
in my cornflakes.
- That'll be your...
- (WHINNIES)
Now I'll never know.
Mike! Mike!
Rick's pretend girlfriend
has been crushed by...
a sort of medieval knight.
Fol-de-rol de-ray-doo-day!
That's groovy,
but why the fancy dress? Who are you?
- I am a knight of the Square Table.
- Square Table?
Well, King Arthur doesn't think
I'm cool enough for the Round Table
because my suits of armour
still have flares.
Ah! You can't get squarer than that.
No, shut up, Mike.
- Nothing wrong with flares.
- And I'm not really into w*r. Look!
Flowers on my lance.
And if I ever have to fight a dragon,
I look at it
from the dragon's point of view.
Oh, that's beautiful.
A hippie knight.
Sorry, man. It's my job.
- Where did you get that howitzer?
- Found it!
Well, put it back, young man!
I will, just as soon
as I've blown you to pieces.
(MUSIC: ''GREENSLEEVES'')
I bet...in one second...
both of my legs will fall off!
All right. You're on.
One!
Damn! That's a pound of potatoes
I've already lost today.
Hey, there's a th-century pad back
there. They're giving away damsels!
Here, have one.
Excuse me,
where's the rest of the street?
(WHISTLING)
No! Vyvyan! No! Please!
Look! You were right! I am a virgin!
Not for long, matey.
Look, sorry about your relatives.
- He's a sorcerer!
- No, honestly, honestly,
I just wondered where the bus stop's
gone and where that hut came from.
There's pence compensation
for disagreeing with you.
Thank you.
I'll get the T-shirt printed
in the morning.
Guys, quick! Barricade the door!
Lock all the windows!
Pretend to be invisible!
I've just committed
a bit of a faux pas.
- Neil, have you upset the neighbours?
- No, I've blown them up!
Who said Sunday was a day of rest?
- God.
- I knew it was someone Tory.
I shouldn't have touched that magpie.
You're so superstitious.
You'd think it was the Middle Ages.
- I'm afraid we are.
- What?
Oh, no! Mysteriously, the house has
gone through some sort of time warp.
Oh, isn't is all simply enchanting?
It's like a drawing by Brueghel,
with lots of working-class people
thrashing about with pitchforks.
Yeah. They look angry, don't they?
Just think.
No nuclear power, no pollution,
no electric cables
ruining the landscape...
(ALL) No telly!
Oh, no!
I'll die if I miss Scooby Doo!
Too bloody right, Neil!
Everybody panic!
Neil, put your head in there.
Right. On the chair.
When you said panic,
I didn't think you meant hang me.
- Rick, test the telly.
- Right.
..hotting up in the battle between
TVstations for higher ratings...
You're very lucky, Neil.
..then the BBC came back
with ''Strip Sex Snooker Darts On Ice''
with Torvill and Dean.
Of course, ITV immediately came back
with ''Roland Rat's
TV-AM Public Executions''.
(AS ROLAND RAT)
Cut his head off! Yeah!
But now, we have...
Jester Balowski's
Medieval t*rture Hour!
(APPLAUSE)
Yeah! Medieval t*rture. And our first
t*rture victim is...? Gwendoline?
And our first victim tonight
is Spasspecker the Dull!
(JESTER) Spasspecker the Dull!
Come on down!
Spasspecker, come here!
Come here, Spasspecker the Dull.
Whoo-hoo!
First in for medieval t*rture.
- Now, are you nervous, Spasspecker?
- A little, Jester, yes.
And apparently, you're married
with one lovely daughter.
- That's right, Jester. Gwynyth.
- Gwynyth. That's right.
But unfortunately, she can't be
with us tonight, can she? No.
Because she's not lovely
at the moment, is she? No.
Because she's got the plague,
hasn't she?
And her face
is one enormous bag of pus!
That's right, Jester.
In fact,
there's a funny story about that.
She wanted to come tonight,
but her arms fell off.
Now, pay attention, because
we'll be back after this break.
(CRUNCH)
Now, how would you like
to be tortured, Spasspecker?
Would you like some live scampi
in your britches?
Would you like your eyes
sucked out by a goat,
then replaced
with some hot toffee apples?
(ALL SHOUT)
Well, it's completely bloody
irrelevant anyway.
Tell us, Spasspecker,
what actually was your crime?
Um... Whistling on a Tuesday, Jester.
- (AUDIENCE) Ooh!
- You bastard!
We've got for you, later on,
pro-celebrity t*rture,
in which Toby Gruntsplatter,
pain-giver to the court of King
Edward the Optical Illusion...
(APPLAUSE)
will be torturing Dennis Waterman's
Show Business Eleven!
(APPLAUSE)
- Including Sir Geoffrey Chaucer...
- (APPLAUSE)
- Sir Boring Old Fart...
- (APPLAUSE)
and Helen,
the completely mad murderess.
Oh, no! The house has been
surrounded by angry peasants!
They're going to burn us as witches!
We're completely trapped.
The outlook is bleak!
What are we going to do?
- Oh, who cares?
- Yeah.
02x04 - Time
Watch/Buy Amazon
Follows the lives of four undergraduate students who share a house in squalid condition while attending their studies at the fictional Scumbag College, London.
Follows the lives of four undergraduate students who share a house in squalid condition while attending their studies at the fictional Scumbag College, London.