01x04 - Daddy Come Home

[bunniefuu]

Hi, cutie.
Mm.

Is that all you're gonna have?
Gotta rush.

I'm late!

Late for what?
The beach?

So you'll have to start
dinner without me, Dad.

The way things are going, I can't possibly
get away for at least another hour.

Okay? Toodles.

Can't get away from what?
The beach?

Hi, Gidge! Hi, Gidge! Let's go.

Gidget!
But, Dad, if you'd only asked,

I'd have told you I couldn't go to the
art exhibit with you any time this week.

I'm booked solid.

Booked solid?
At the beach?

The beach, the beach, the beach!

You eat, drink
and sleep surfing.

It's not healthy.

It's no longer a hobby or a pastime
with you. It's an obsession.

You need a fresh outlook on life, young
lady, and I'm going to see that you get it.

Dad, you're absolutely right,
with a few minor word changes.

"Minor word changes"?
"Beach" for "work," "Me" for "you."

"Me" for "you."
Work, work, work!

You eat, drink and sleep work.
It's not healthy.

It's no longer an occupation with you.
It's an obsession.

You need a fresh outlook on
life, dear Daddy,

and I'm going to see that you get it.

At the beach.

At the beach.

♪ If you're in doubt
about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her
for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say
she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away
Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find
that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

There was no doubt about it.
This was exactly what Dad needed.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Lawrence.
We didn't see you there. That's okay.

There! You got anything
in Shakespeare to match that?

Not that damp.
Oh, isn't it marvelous, Dad?

Here you're in touch with nature, all the
beautiful, wonderful elements in life.

Look at it from my perspective.

Dad?

Dad?
Hmm?

Open your eyes and look.
I'm looking. I'm looking.

Oh, Dad, don't stare.

The poor thing probably doesn't realize.
Realize what?

The way she looks in
shorts, at her age. Oh.

So, do you want another demonstration?
Of what?

Surfing!
Sure, sure.

Okay, now watch.

I'm watching.
Okay.

So do you need an I.Q. of
to guess what happened?

I'm sh**ting the curl,

and by the time I get back to the
beach, they're sh**ting the breeze.

Turned out her name was Sally,
Sally Combs.

She's darling, Russ.
Simply darling. Thank you.

I simply adore being referred
to in the third person,

especially when I'm standing
there in the first person.

Oh, don't let us keep you, dear. Why
don't you go back in the ocean and play?

Play?

Doesn't it fry you the way the minute
they get with somebody their own age,

they gotta lop
years off yours?

You know, go swim, surf, frolic.

Could the phrase you're
looking for be "get lost"?

You see? She's not only
darling, but she's bright.

I'm very proud
of my little girl.

Oh, and I'm very proud
of my old man.

That's how I fix him.

Every time he lops years
off my age, I add to his.

Now, you're not getting cold
or anything, are you, Pop?

I don't want you
getting a chill.

On the contrary.
I'm beginning to steam.

Oh! Well, in that case, I guess it is
time for me to go in the ocean and play.

She's cute.
She going through the maternal stage?

Gidget? She's about as
maternal as a tsetse fly.

I figured it was all right
to leave him alone with her.

After all, what could happen?

You asked her
to have dinner with you?

Yes, I asked her out for dinner.
That such a surprise?

No, but under the circumstances...
What circumstances?

Picking up a woman on the beach?

Well, that's what it
amounts to, isn't it?

- A stranger, and you asked her on a date.
- Oh, come on, Gidget.

You know nothing about her.
She could be anything... a... a pickpocket.

Pickpocket?
A card shark.

They're always around
oceans and boats.

For your information, Miss Combs is a
research chemist for a food company.

A research chemist.
You sure?

Mm-hmm.
Gee.

You'd think a research chemist
would have a little more dignity...

and a slightly less
sensational figure.

I mean, if you work around food, shouldn't
you look like you eat it once in a while?

That a touch of green I see?

Of course not.

Actually,
I'm glad you made the date.

I want you to get out
and enjoy yourself,

but I think you ought to be
a little more careful.

Don't be so quick to take
everybody at face value.

Wait till you know them
a little bit. What?

Since when did you develop
this maternal attitude?

What maternal attitude?

You said, "Is that a touch of green I
see?" And I specifically said that...

Okay, okay. My error.

Your error indeed.
Me, maternal.

Now, what are you gonna wear?

- I don't know. My dark blue suit, I guess.
- Dark blue?

Oh, no. I think the dark gray
would be much better.

You look groovy, Dad.

Thank you.
Yes, the dark gray is much better.

And I hope you've noticed

the only thing with a touch of
green around here is your tie.

Yeah, I've noticed.
I won't be late.

I'll be home about...
Now, don't start that!

You'll be accusing me
of being maternal again.

You'll be home when you
get home... adult time.

What are you gonna do? Oh, I don't know.
I'll see where the action is...

Go out with one of the guys
or to a show with Larue.

Or if I'm really desperate,
I'll go over to Anne and John's.

Now, remember what I said.
Have fun.

Yeah, but I'll be home early.
What'd I say?

All right. But I do have a rough day
tomorrow. I'll see you at least by...

Good-bye, good-bye!
Good-bye.

Have fun. Toodles!

Everybody in the whole world
was busy that night.

When I got to the point where I
was dialing for the surf reports...

just to hear the sound of a human
voice, I asked myself a question.

Am I desperate enough
to go to Anne and John's?

I am.

One thing's for sure. You gotta be
desperate to spend your precious time...

with two people who are trying to be
something neither of them will ever be.

John... a psychologist.

Sister Anne... a housewife?

Looks good. Is that your
first lemon meringue pie?

This happens to be the
bottom half of a layer cake.

So we'll have ice cream.

Not ice cream you made yourself?

No. It's store-bought.

Oh, we're getting to be
just like the city folk.

And you're getting to be
just like a pinched nerve.

Classic sibling rivalry.
It's marvelous.

Oh, yeah?

Aw, now, don't go spoiling it.

See? What'd I tell you?
He didn't marry you for love.

He married you for research.

Speaking of research,
tell me more about Dad's girl.

Dad's girl?
He hardly knows her.

So what? I mean, if he liked
her well enough to ask her out...

Yeah, that was a giant step.

Well, he's taken women
out before.

Taking the dean of women or the gym teacher
to a faculty dinner is not quite the same.

Gym teacher? Miss Crackmeyer happens to
be the head of the phys ed department.

You ever seen her play soccer?

So has Dad.

Gidge, our Dad happens to be
a very attractive man.

I'm surprised somebody hasn't thrown
a net over him long before this.

That's right. There aren't many
handsome, intelligent,

sophisticated males
running around loose.

Most of us are already married.

Someday, Dad's bound to get married
again, and he should.

Well, I couldn't agree more.

I want him to...
but to the right girl at the right time.

Aha!
What "aha"?

Classic again.
Absolutely marvelous. What?

Projecting yourself
into a maternal role.

What? Maternal?

All of a sudden, that turns out to be
the ickiest word in the English language.

But that's what
all this overconcern,

overprotecting,
over-possessiveness adds up to...

The maternal instinct misplaced.

You know what happens to little
girls who start out in life this way?

- What?
- They end up sour, dried-up old maids...

with nothing to look forward to in
life but taking care of dear old dad...

Hah!

And their daily visits
to their analysts...

at bucks a throw,
bless their ever-lovin' mixed-up ids.

Oh! Oh!
Hey!

Where are you going?
I just asked myself the same question...

I asked myself an hour ago and
got an entirely different answer.

- Huh?
- I am not this desperate!

Overconcern!

Maternal instinct!

Fifty bucks!

I didn't know
they got that much.

And for what? Just to cure you of
something that's all in your head.

I was so mad, so furious,

I did a perfectly ridiculous thing for
any normal, healthy teenager to do...

at a quarter of :
in the evening.

I went to bed.

And then I did something
even crazier.

I went to sleep.

When I woke up, I felt great. I was ready
for a bright, new day, which was fine,

except the bright,
new day wasn't due for about eight hours.

It was only : .

I figured as long as Dad
was coming home early,

I might as well
stay up and wait for him.

: !

What about that rough day
he had tomorrow?

That's when I started
to get worried.

Anne's the born worrier.
Nothing ever bothers Gidget.

Oh, check, please.
She's the tsetse fly?

That's right.
Gidget takes everything in her stride.

Hello, Larue?
Gidget.

Listen, I'm sorry to wake you
up, but it's important.

Suppose it was after : in the morning
and your father was out with another woman.

What would you do?
Tell your mother.

Thanks a lot, pal.

I don't understand it.
I just do not understand it.

What in the world could make him so late
when he said he was gonna be home early?

Nothing... Nothing could
make him this late.

Nothing could make him not call,
unless something terrible...

Unless he's had an...
An accident?

An accident. That's why
I haven't heard from him.

Something's happened to him!

Oh, what'll I do?
I've gotta do something!

Annie. I'll call Annie. Oh, no!
Annie's no good in an emergency.

First thing she'd do
is call the police.

Call the police... That's a good idea.
I'll call the police.

Sergeant Kulpepper speaking.

What is it, ma'am? Lady, will you
calm down? I can't understand you.

I'm... I'm trying to tell you.
I said an accident.

There must have been an accident,
or I'd have heard from him.

Who? If you'll just
give me the facts, ma'am.

What kind of a car? You know the
license number? What's his name?

Russell Lawrence. Uh, license number...
I think it has a "J" and an " " in it.

A gold convertible.
Oh, Officer, I don't know what year.

Hmm. A gold convertible with a
"J" and a " " in the license.

That ought to help.
What?

I said something terrible
must have happened.

You see, he's never stayed out
this late before, never.

Especially not
on a school night.

You relax and stop worrying.
We'll find him, Mom.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Did he say "Mom"?

Why on earth
would he call me "Mom"?

Charlie, who's cruising Westwood?
Joe Hanley? Good.

Yeah, tell him I got a kid
I want him to look for.

Sarge? This is Joe Hanley.
Yeah, Joe?

I located that gold convert,
all right.

Parked on, uh, Linda Flora.

- Guy and a girl talking.
- Can you tell the kid to call his mother?

What kid? I can see from
here the guy's at least .

No kidding? Yeah. What do I do?

- Give him the message.
- You want me to walk up to a grown man...

and tell him his...
mama wants him?

If his name is Russell Lawrence,
that's exactly what I want you to do.

Yeah, but Sarge,
I'd feel... silly.

What, you feel silly? He's the mama's boy.
Let him write to "Dear Abby."

Okay, Sarge.

I hope I haven't bored you to death with
all this talk about me and my family.

Mm-mmm. I've enjoyed it.
You all sound so happy, uncomplicated.

Excuse me.

Um, your name Russell Lawrence?

That's right.
What is it, Officer?

Uh, you better get a move on.

Your mother wants you.

What?
Well, that's impossible.

My mother... She's all upset and
worried, junior, so go home already.

Junior? Now, listen. I have a great deal
of respect for the police department.

But... I don't blame you.
I'd be embarrassed too.

Lady, are you asking for
a mother-in-law problem!

Now see here!

I don't understand. Somebody's
got their wires crossed somewhere.

It can't be my mother.
It must be... The tsetse fly?

Thanks for a lovely evening,
Russ. It's been fun.

Was it absolutely necessary
to follow me home?

Sure was. You were doin'
miles over the speed limit...

all the way.

It's all down.
Uh, sign here.

- Oh, Daddy!
- My mother, I presume.

Oh, Daddy, I have been so... Not a word!
Not one single bloody word!

"Your mother wants you"!
Oh!

- Dad?
- Not yet, Frances. I am still very angry.

But I can't stand it
much longer.

C-Couldn't we please discuss it?
Nothing to discuss.

An adult is an adult, a child is a
child, and never the twain shall meet.

Okay.

But could the child
just say one little thing?

What?

Oh, Daddy, I didn't tell any
policeman that I was your mother.

For gosh sakes, I've spent the whole
day and night denying it to everybody.

You must have said something
to give 'em that impression.

Well, I don't know what I said.

I just said what everybody
says when they're...

When they're worried and frightened
to death that something...

might have happened
to somebody they love.

Unfortunately,
under those circumstances,

everybody sounds alike.

Mothers, daughters...

and fathers.

Remember the time I was so
late and I didn't call...

and, when I got home, you were so mad at me
you put me in stir for three whole weeks?

This is different.
I'm your father.

What's being a father
got to do with it?

You said you were
gonna be home early.

Oh, Daddy, don't you see?

When you weren't and you didn't even
call to let me know you were all right,

that's what made me so sure, so certain,
that something terrible had happened.

Something... Something awful,
like... like you were hurt...

or... or you were
in bad trouble or even...

To keep you from calling.

Gidge.

I'm deeply sorry.

You're right.
I should have called you.

Well, it...

It doesn't matter now, Daddy.

Just as long as you're okay and...
and safe and healthy and alive...

and stay that way.

Oh... Oh, Daddy, please don't
ever let anything happen to you!

I-It simply never
occurred to me to call.

Funny when the shoe's
on the other foot.

Oh, you could say that again.

Oh, Dad, I don't see how anybody
can stand being a parent.

Oh! Oh, don't you just love
it when the air's all clear?

I sure do.

So, you didn't tell me... Did you have fun?
What about Sally?

Do you like her? Are you gonna
take her out again? I doubt it.

I think she lost interest.
When she found out we weren't rich?

No, when she found out there
was insanity in the family.

How'd she find that out?
She never even met John.

Good night, Gidget.

I didn't tell him
he was wrong about that...

"an adult is an adult and a
child is a child" business.

But I will, because every
adult at one time or another...

acts like a child...
Has childish feelings.

And every child now and then
acts like an adult,

because the child's feelings
are "adultrish."

Does that sound right to you?

Maybe I'd better think about it
some more before I hit Dad with it.

Let's see... Every adult at
one time... That's right.

Every child...

Every adult at one
time or another...