01x16 - Too Many Cooks

[bunniefuu]

Up to : , it was
a normal Saturday night.

Daddy was home working,
and I was out playing.

At : sharp, it became
definitely abnormal.

I was home.

Thanks for the movie, Tate. That
drive-in has the best hot dogs in town.

I wish we could've stayed for the
second picture. I was still hungry.

Yeah, I know. But if your poor old daddy
was swamped with work over the weekend,

wouldn't you want
to come home early and help?

Not me.
He's an undertaker.

Oh. Yeah. Well...

Well, if he was just a
normal person like my dad,

a college professor,
I'm sure you would.

So if you'll excuse me,
I'll see you Monday at school.

- Be down to watch football practice?
- Well, natch.

It's my favorite sport.
Toodles.

Well, where are
those true-false tests?

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, honey.

Hey, I really apprec...

Hi.

Hi, Corky.
Sorry we had to start out so late,

but my poor old daddy was
swamped down with exam papers,

and he really
depends on me for help.

- Sure. That's okay.
- Good-bye, Dad.

I saw you watching basketball practice
yesterday. Natch. It's my favorite sport.

What you get
for hiring cheap help.

♪ If you're in doubt
about angels ♪

♪ Being real

♪ I can arrange to change

♪ Any doubts you feel

♪ Wait till you see
my Gidget ♪

♪ You'll want her
for your valentine ♪

♪ You're gonna say
she's all that you adore ♪

♪ But stay away
Gidget is spoken for ♪

♪ You're gonna find
that Gidget is ♪

♪ Mine ♪

I don't dig why you dated
them both on the same night.

Corky Cook and Tate Cook hate each other.
Didn't you know that?

That's how I got goofed up.
I couldn't clear myself.

I dated Corky for the th
and Tate for Saturday night.

And they turned out
to be the same night. Very careless.

What you need is
a social secretary.

Somehow I feel
it's all Jeff's fault.

Oh, that's logical. Jeff's been away at
Princeton for the last couple of months,

and you haven't even seen
him, so it's his fault.

It's just that I love him so
much and miss him so much,

that I'm always looking for
people that remind me of him.

Those two gorillas? Well, Tate's captain
of the football team,

and Corky's captain
of the basketball team.

And Jeff was captain
of both teams.

Good thing he wasn't
interested in baseball,

track and swimming,
or you'd really have problems.

Loneliness is
a terrible thing. So's bloodshed.

Tate! No one ever invites
'em to the same party.

Somebody did.

Oh, no. I thought this
bash was exclusive.

Well, how could you think
that if you were invited?

Hey, you wanna do
something about it? Now, listen, you two.

This is a living room,
not a b*ttlefield.

After all, you're...
You're cousins. Don't rub it in.

- Hmm. Duh.
- You were supposed to bring a date.

Well, she went home to help her pop.
We went to an early movie.

Well, okay. But I hope you're
not looking for trouble.

I got all the trouble I can handle under
the hood of that crummy Olds Special.

Is there, uh, somewhere I can wash up?
Sure. Right through that door.

Thanks.

What a house.

Anyone in there?

Uh, uh... I am.

Anything wrong in there?

Gidget!

What are you doing?

I'm taking a shower! With your clothes on?

Well, we all have
our little peculiarities.

Wh-What happened to your father?
You said you had... Yeah, I know. But...

Things just didn't work
out like I planned it.

Well, I'm sorry. I...
I'll make it up to you.

You still wanna take me
to the Founders' Day dance?

Oh, well, sure.
Didn't I ask you? It's a date.

- Gidget!
- Look at that. She's all wet.

You have your car? You're all wet.

How can you tell? Wild guess.

Come on! I'm not finished eating yet.

It's an emergency.
I'll feed you at my house.

Uh, I had a little accident.
I have to go home.

Well,
I-I'll take you. Oh, no. That's all right.

Uh, scratch tonight.
I'll make it up to you.

How about next Saturday night,
starting early? Saturday... B-But I...

Is it a date? Yeah, I guess so.
I'll bring gardenias.

Fine. What happened?
Do you have to leave?

Yeah, and so does your towel. I'll get
it back to you. Thanks for the party.

It was wild. The food too.
I hate to leave it.

Gardenias?

The Founders' Day dance.
It's in two weeks, isn't it?

Well, if this were last Saturday
night, it'd be in two weeks.

You mean it's... Next Saturday.

Holy crutch.
I did it again.

The best you can do
is head for the border.

When those two apes
compare notes...

They never talk.
They just fight.

That's a point in my favor.
Not with you in the middle, it isn't.

Oh, don't say that. I can't stand the
sight of blood, especially my own.

Are you home for good
or just taking a breather?

I may never leave this house again.
How are the tests coming?

Oh, with your help, just fine.

Well, I've been
a little busy this evening. So I gathered.

And that's nothing compared
to what she's gonna be.

Well, I don't feel
that I should interfere,

but do you think it's smart to
date two boys the same night?

I'll level with you, Dad.
I did think it was smart.

But then again, I also think I've been
short-changed in the brain department.

If only Jeff was here... Life would
be so sweet and uncomplicated.

Well, if that's all you need,
prepare for a sweet, uncomplicated life.

This telegram
was phoned in an hour ago.

His grandparents' golden
anniversary next week...

He's flying in. "Best of all,
what we spoke about when I left:

I'll be taking you
to the Founders' Day dance."

Forget the border.
Just take the pipe.

What's the matter, life not
sweet and uncomplicated?

Dad, before this,
life was impossible.

- Now it's... it's...
- Ridiculous.

I already had two dates
for that dance.

Such popularity.
What's your secret w*apon?

Stupidity.

Listen to me.
I think Jeff saved your neck.

You can't shake one Cook
for the other, but...

here comes Jeff,
and that's something else.

Hey, that's good thinking.

And Jeff is their ex-captain...
Old teammates, buddy-boys.

Well, they wouldn't mind letting Jeff
take me. It would be a privilege.

Guys just love
their old team captain.

Sure, that louse? I owe him a solid belt
in the teeth. Jeff? Your old team captain?

Yeah, my old team captain.

Why, he benched me through half
of the big game last year...

on a couple of little
penalties for roughness.

Why? Is there somethin'
you wanted to know? Yeah.

When's the next moon sh*t?

And then he didn't want me
for captain this year.

Well, that's okay. I don't hold
any grudges. Why do you ask?

Well, I... I think he's coming
in for the dance this Saturday.

So... let him come

As long as he stays away from me...
well, you and me, right?

Right. What's the matter, Gidget?
You don't look so good.

I don't feel so good. Hey, maybe you're
catchin' the flu.

Oh, no.
I couldn't be that lucky.

But I'll give it every chance.

When fate is growling,
you can't make a right move.

If you want to be well,
you'll be sick.

If you want to be sick,
you'll be well.

But I figured that a human
body can just take so much,

and there's nothing fate
can do about that.

Gidget?

What in heaven's name
are you doing? Just cooling myself off.

Your teeth are chattering. Well, I guess
I'm getting there.

Have you lost your senses?
Turn off that hose and come inside.

Trying to do, catch a cold?

You are trying to catch a cold.

I know what's troubling you, but do you
honestly think this is the solution?

And besides hurting
yourself physically,

it's the worse thing you could
do to yourself psychologically.

Give me...

Worse than getting caught in a three-way
cross fire? You haven't been wounded yet.

Why wait till the last minute? This is not
self-destruction week,

so get upstairs
and into some warm clothes.

Look, put your fears aside and let your
mind go to work. You'll think of something.

Yeah. And it'll probably
be the finish of me. All you can do is try.

Fate. I don't even feel
the beginning of a sneeze.

I bet if I didn't want to be
sick, I'd catch cold

brushing my teeth.

Fate. You can't b*at it. The best
you can hope for is to outrace it.

That's it!

Wow!

Hey, that is really stokey.

- But I'll be wearing a party dress.
- So? Pull it up.

- Okay. How much?
- Oh, bucks.

- Eleven?
- Well, Saturday night is overtime.

If I have to buzz you back home
three times from Lincoln Hall,

my whole night is sh*t.

It's only twice. I come with the first
date and only go back for the second two.

- Same difference. Eleven bucks.
- All right, you crook.

If you're gonna charge for the whole night,
you're gonna sit out there the whole night.

I may feel like driving around
the block about midnight. Suits me.

Fine. See you tomorrow night,
: sharp.

Hey.
Payment in advance.

I thought your type went out
with black mustaches.

And if time and space can be squeezed
a little, I think I can swing it.

It's fabulous. You're practically
in the group with Albert Einstein.

You mean Rube Goldberg.

You know, it seems to me only a
real coward would take this route.

I think I oughta blow
this whole jazzy scheme. Why don't you?

'Cause I'm
a real coward. But a smart one.

Aw, what's so smart?

I've been waiting for Jeff
to come home for ages,

and now look at the pickle
I've gotten myself into.

That phone should ring
in about seconds.

It should? Mm-hmm. Jeff's plane
landed about an hour ago.

Take some time to get from
the airport to his house,

a little time
with his family and...

Hello?
Jeff!

I've just been sitting on the
phone counting the minutes.

Guess you're better
than Einstein.

When can I see you?

I didn't get in till
about half an hour ago.

The anniversary dinner's just starting,

so I guess I won't get
to see you till tonight.

The anniversary dinner's just starting,

so I guess I won't get
to see you till tonight.

- Still my steady girl?
- Steady?

Jeff, I... I'm so excited that you're here,
I'm practically having a nervous breakdown.

Even if there is a little
squall every now and then.

Jeff, I... I sure wish
you were here all the time.

Well, so do I, Gidget...
To be with you anyway.

Well, a little's better
than nothing.

Yeah, I'm looking forward
anxiously to tonight.

I'm anxious too.

So, till then, Jeff.

Oh, uh, Jeff?

Jeff, um, the dance
starts at : ,

so be here by :
at the very latest.

Well, it's just that, um,

I don't want to miss one minute
of the dance. Not one minute.

Yeah.
Catch you later.

So long.

You're a credit to
American female ingenuity.

I'm proposing a statue for the girls'
locker room. Figure somethin' out?

Jeff picks her up at : ,
Tate picks her up at : ,

and Corky picks her up
at : .

Between times, she pony expresses
back here on Jimmy Speer's motorcycle.

She's a genius.

Yeah.
And at the dance?

I circulate. Why,
don't you think it'll work?

If the Lord is on your side,
all things are possible.

Lately, he seems
to be avoiding me.

Yeah. Me too. I got drafted this
morning onto the welcoming committee.

How is that for tragic irony?

She's being brought to the dance three
times, and I'm not even being brought once.

The welcoming committee.

The welcoming committee! Hallelujah!
I'm saved. I'm saved. I'm saved!

You're drafted off the welcoming committee.
I'm drafted on.

Nobody has to take me to the dance.
I'm already there... welcoming.

And when they show up here,
Dad gives them the word,

and they all come to the dance
nice and separate.

And I'm back in business...
No blood, no sweat, no tears.

Man, oh, man,
I'm back on the sunny side!

The way I had things timed,

I figured I was
out of rough water.

First, Jeff would arrive.

But if there's anything...

about human beings you can rely on,
it's that you can't rely on them.

Hi, Corky.
Thank you. They're beautiful.

How 'bout a dance? I'm busy.

Well, wh-when? Well, keep in touch.

My schedule said that Tate
would arrive next,

which was no time
to be dancing with Corky.

So I pushed that problem
aside temporarily.

Bye.

Oh, I just love gardenias.

Oh. Hello, Gidget.

Hi, Jeff.
Uh, let's go.

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

Away from the crowd.

Gee, Jeff, you look wonderful...

Just like a Princeton man.

Anyone could tell.

And you haven't changed a bit, Gidget.
You're as... as perky and cute as ever.

Oh, for you. Oh.

Thank you.
It's beautiful, Jeff.

I can't tell you how
many times I think of you.

Yeah, I, uh, know what you mean.
I have your picture on my dresser.

I could give you a new one. Oh, fine.
I'll put it next to the old one.

That's at the beach
with your surfboard.

I know. Well, look, I don't want
to keep you from your chore,

but you don't have to do
this much longer, do you?

Oh, no. Good, then let's
get it over with, huh?

I found out you can't wear
three corsages...

separately and at the same time
unless you have three chests.

But that was the least
of my problems.

The dance was in full bloom.

The welcoming committee
was out of business.

I had to give the first dance
to my date.

And he... I mean they...
I mean all of them...

Were getting impatient.

I had Larue
rounding up retreads.

And to paraphrase
a great American,

you can welcome some of the
people some of the time...

and some of the people
all of the time,

but you can't welcome all of
the people all of the time.

There aren't any.
Disaster city.

What happens now? I split like an atom.

Into three parts? What else?

How could I keep this up
all night?

There was only one possible
answer: I couldn't.

Oh, I'm b*at. But not beaten. Not yet.
You've earned your stripes.

Why don't you say you're not feeling
well, ask them to take you home?

Yeah. I thought of that, too,
but I'll have to go home three times.

Oh, that's right.

I've still got Jimmy Speer and his cycle.
He's waiting outside.

Tell him to go to my house and
wait for me in, a dark place.

How can you get out of here?

Well, I sent Tate to the gym,

and Corky should be waiting
out in front of the library.

What about Jeff?
Jeff's still here.

He'll be the last one.
I've just gotta spend some time with Jeff.

Well, gung ho.

I felt phony
as a drugstore diamond,

and, for a moment, my pride
pushed me to tell all.

Fortunately, the moment passed.

Hey!

You are the weirdest thing
the Cooks ever produced,

and that includes
plenty of weirdos.

Never mind that jazz.
What were you doing with Gidget?

Bringing her home. What's it to you?
My date you're bringing home?

Oh, man, you get weirder and weirder. How
could she be your date if she was my date?

There's more than one
kooky Cook in this family.

How could she be your...

That was Gidget. Heading back
toward Lincoln Hall.

How do you know? Well, I-I think it's
some kind of plot.

She's emptying out the joint
one guy at a time.

Why does Princeton
have to be in New Jersey?

Well, maybe it's a good thing.
Distance lends enchantment.

Oh, no. When you're here,
life is a bowl of cream.

And now the traditional
Founders' Day waltz.

Find your own escorts, please.
What do you guys want?

Well, this is the
Founders' Day waltz, isn't it?

Yeah, that's right.
So find your dates.

We found her. You found who?

Our date.

Do you want me to wait here, or go on
back to Lincoln Hall? Well, go home.

Hey, I'm also available weekdays.
I'll make you a better deal.

I was through,
washed up, finished.

That look on Jeff's face...

What's worse than a two-timer,
except a three-timer.

I'd never see him again...
Never see anyone again.

I'd move to a different town,
leave my reputation behind.

Maybe I'd become a social worker, caring
for women who'd fallen by the wayside.

Somehow I fail to detect
the sweet smell of success.

Oh, it can't be all that bad.

I was dancing
with Jeff, and then...

And then suddenly
total disaster,

public exposure, disgrace.

That's too bad, but you must've
been prepared for that possibility.

I had everything under control.

- I just can't figure out what happened.
- What happened was simple.

You tried to walk a crooked mile,
and you didn't make the distance.

Yeah. Few people do.

I think it's better in the long
run you didn't get away with it.

How can you say that?
Now I've lost Jeff forever.

He thinks I'm the biggest liar
and cheat of the year.

But what else could I do?
I was stuck before I even got his wire.

How could I ever tell him? Oh, easy.
Just tell me.

Look, I don't dig it, Gidget.

You think I expected you to resign from
the human race when I left for school?

Look, we had an understanding.

I... I figured you'd be going to
parties and dating and dances.

What's the problem?

Well, I was thinking about you
so much, Jeff, all the time.

I wanted you to know it. Now how could
you know it if I said, "I'm sorry, Jeff.

I can't go to the dance with you.
I already have two dates"?

But I would've known.
Wh-Why did I follow you home? I do know.

Oh, Jeff, all I wanted tonight
was for us to be alone.

But fate was against me, and you can't
b*at fate. No, the lucky ones can.

You did. Me?
I'm fate's football.

Look what happened,
when all I wanted was for us to be...

Alone.
I know.

Sometime my brain goes AWOL.
Ah, Just a big dope, huh?

But I don't mind,
long as I stay lucky.

Well, Jeff flew back to school
and life went on,

but not as usual.

Something radical had happened.
Something inside had clicked over.

Boys no longer interested me.
Books were all I cared about.

Jeff was the man... the only man.

All others were mere faces in the crowd...
units, digits, indistinguishable blobs.

Ooh! I'm sorry.

Please. That's okay.
Thanks.

Aren't you in my biology lab?
I really don't know.

I don't pay much attention to the
other students, especially the males.

Uh, what's your name? Frances Lawrence.

Sure. That's right.
They call you Gidget.

Gidget, have you got
a telephone at home? Naturally.

Uh, why don't you give me your number?
Maybe we can fix up a date sometime.

There's really no point.
In the first place, I don't date.

And in the second place...

The number's in the book.