01x12 - The Ho! Ho! Horror!/Outhouse Outrage

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ SpongeBob ♪

- ♪ I'm off to summer camp ♪

- ♪ SpongeBob ♪

- ♪ Through nature I will tramp ♪

- ♪ SpongeBob will have you screaming ♪

- ♪ Till milk is streaming right out of your nose ♪

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa!

Ahh! Ahh!

♪ ♪

- ♪ SpongeBob ♪

- ♪ When nature's calling ♪

- You'll see me hauling ♪

- I'm hitting the trail ♪

- [slurping]

[sighs]

Huh? Bikini Bottom?

Second-happiest town in the sea?

I don't remember ever delivering toys

to a place called Bikini Bottom before.

[gasps] Could I have missed the town?

I haven't missed a town since .

And that was a ghost town. Nobody saw it.

Hmm. It says here that all the kids

are staying at the Kamp Koral summer camp.

And they're all asleep. Oh, those poor toyless tots.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Get ready, kids, 'cause Santa Claus is coming to camp!

High-ho, Bludolph! Away!

♪ ♪

Ha-hey!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

[grunts]

Oopsy.

Ho, ho, ho! Oops.

[softly] I mean, ho, ho, ho.

[chuckles]

[gasps] - Ugh! Stupid root beer!

Now I have to pee. Thanks a lot!

[gulps]

[wailing]

[gasping]

- [chuckles]

♪ ♪

- [snores] Gotta catch those jellies.

[snores] Gotta catch those jellies.

[snores] Gotta catch those jellies.

[yawns]

- Ooh! [chuckling]

Now, don't do that again, root beer.

I'm warning you.

[gulping]

- [snoring] Huh?

Mama?

- Huh? - Is that you?

[yawns]

- Phew. There.

That ought to keep you inside. [chuckles]

♪ ♪

Yeah. Nothing but roof.

♪ ♪

[rooster crowing]

Oh, the sun's up. Better hide.

[chuckling]

[quirky upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [inhales deeply]

[playing "Reveille" very poorly]

[clams squawking]

[various sea creatures howling]

♪ ♪

- [groans]

♪ ♪

That was terrible.

Well, I guess it's coal for Squidward.

[chuckles]

I can't wait for them to open their presents.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I don't get it. - Santa? Who the heck is Santa?

- Who cares? My mother always says,

never look the gift seahorse in the mouth.

- Wait! My mother always says

never take gifts from strangers.

- [gasps] My mother says that too!

- That's what my mom says. - That's what my mom says.

- What? Santa's no stranger!

- Apologies to your mothers, but I gotta know what it is!

- No, Patrick! Mother said never!

And that means never.

- I can't chance it, SpongeBob.

There could be root beer in here!

[both straining]

Stupid root beer! [panting]

- Well, if we can't open them, we might as well burn 'em!

[cheering]

[dramatic music]

- What?

♪ ♪

- Whoa! - No!

- Huh? [screams]

[pounding footfalls]

[children screaming]

- Look! It's a...

- It's a giant bearded lady! - Wait!

I'm no lady. I'm Santa Claus!

I'm your friend! [words echoing]

[all screaming]

♪ ♪

[laid-back Hawaiian music]

[all screaming] - Mr. Krabs!

- Okay, keep your shirts on. - Mr. Krabs!

There's a red, giant, bearded lady

with a fire-breathing boot attacking the camp!

- Oh, you don't say.

Congratulations, you get to hoist the flag today.

I haven't had my coffee.

[all gasp]

- I'm Santa. You know?

Ho, ho, ho.

[coughing and gagging]

- Ew, peppermint breath!

- Never fear, weaklings. The jocks will save you!

[towels snapping]

[upbeat music]

- [battle cry]

♪ ♪

[bellows]

Oh, yeah! - [yelps]

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

[kids shouting]

♪ ♪

[upbeat suspenseful music]

- Oh, oh. Oh?

- [gasps]

He doesn't have a belly!

It's just a bowl full of jelly!

[gasping and screaming]

I wish I had a bowl full of jelly.

- Please don't hurt me. I have , elves to feed.

[oohs and ahs] See? Oh, this one's the baby.

- Ha! [chuckles] That shut him up.

[yelps]

[upbeat holiday music]

[oohs and ahs]

♪ ♪

- Huh?

[all munching] - Aw.

- Candy from strangers!

Spit out those treats and retreat!

all: Huh?

[all spitting and yelling] - Huh?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, how do we get rid of that jolly giant now, Mr. Tentacles?

- How should I know?

Do I look like a jolly giant k*ller to you?

- You need a jolly giant to vanquish a jolly giant.

And that jolly giant is me!

[dramatic music]

[grunting]

I'm not big enough!

- Oh, no?

♪ ♪

- [sighs] You tried, Santa.

If the kids don't believe, they don't believe.

- I believe! - Huh?

- I believe that you just crossed the line,

weird beard.

[growling]

- Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, my friend!

There's no need for alarm. Ho, ho, ho!

- Stay away from my campers!

[slow-motion growl]

- Nobody cold cocks Kris Kringle!

- [yelling] [tiger growls]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Sic her, Mrs. Puff! [all scream]

♪ ♪

- Oh, no!

The bearded lady and Mrs. Puff are locked in mortal combat!

Who will win? Is this the end of Kamp Koral?

[screaming]

♪ ♪

[jalopy horn honks]

♪ ♪

- Tarnation!

I oversleep one morning and now there's giants?

♪ ♪

- Don't worry, Mrs. Puff!

I'll give that giant jerk a giant smack!

♪ ♪

Huh? Santa?

- [groaning] - [yelling]

♪ ♪

all: Huh?

- Stay down, Sandy. This is the red giant's w*r zone.

We're just living in it!

♪ ♪

- Everybody, that's not a red giant!

[impacts landing] all: Oh, yeah?

- Well, it is.

But it's also Santa Claus. I know him from back in Texas.

He's my friend!

Santa Claus is everybody's friend!

all: Aww. [impacts landing]

- Mrs. Puff! Mrs. Puff!

- [growls]

all: Mrs. Puff! Mrs. Puff! Mrs. Puff!

[energetic jazz music]

♪ ♪

- Mrs. Puff! Stop fighting Santa Claus!

He's a giver of gifts! Not a monster!

- Ugh!

- [growls]

[yells]

Oof!

Whoa!

♪ ♪

- Oh!

[yelps]

all: Aw.

- [groans]

[jowls flop]

[back cracks]

[all yelp]

- Huh?

- Look! You ballyhooing baboons!

These presents aren't dangerous!

It's candy and toys! You see!

I told you--

- [shushes]

You had me at candy.

[upbeat holiday music]

♪ ♪

- Sorry again about the misunderstanding, Santa.

- Oh, I'm sorry too. You almost took my head off.

Ho! Ho! Luckily, Sandy kept her head.

- Aw. [chuckles]

[laughter]

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Hi, ho, Bludolph! Away!

Happy holidays to all

on land or sea!

- And to all a good night.

- Time for me morning, ahem, constitutional.

[singing to self] - Eww.

[soft upbeat music]

[groaning]

[all gasping]

Which one of you campers blew up me outhouse?

[all speaking at once]

Hold it, hold it!

- Are disgusting! Patrick...

- But half a stick of butter took care of that.

- And house go boom!

- [whistles] Quiet!

- That's how my finger got stuck up my nose.

- Camper SpongeBob, zip it.

[all whimpering]

- [clears throat]

As camp master, I'm appointing meself judge,

jury, and camp-see-cutioner, and whoever is responsible

will have to rebuild the outhouse by hand,

fin, or tentacle.

- Oh, I'm all thumbs!

[chuckles]

[duck quacks]

- [sighs] Counselor Squidward, you go first.

- Certainly. I'll tell you exactly what happened.

I awoke to a glorious morning.

[campers snoring]

Ugh. Animals.

[soft upbeat music]

- ♪ Come get out of bed, you big sleepyhead ♪

♪ And listen to Squidward playing ♪

♪ Come gather around the wonderful sound ♪

♪ And hear his sweet refrain ♪

♪ A magical musician whose "Reveille" rendition ♪

♪ Is worth any admission ♪

♪ He is the real McCoy! ♪

♪ We all sing along a wonderful song ♪

♪ Our ears, they are not worthy ♪

♪ At daybreak, we praise each note that he plays ♪

♪ Our hearts explode with joy ♪

♪ [clarinet playing] ♪

[cheers and applause] - [humming smugly]

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

- Don't crowd him! He's a genius!

- We love you, Mr. Tentacles!

♪ ♪

- Mr. Tentacles,

I have something for you.

- Oh, no.

[quirky upbeat music]

You really shouldn't have.

♪ ♪

Thanks for the lovely... whatever it is.

- It's a face mitten. It's like a hug for your head.

[sniffing] - Oh, what is that smell?

- That's the smell of a clean environment.

I made all of your presents from recycled oily rags.

- I'll just put this in my treasure chest

where I keep your other wonderful presents.

I have to go bury my treasure now.

See you clowns later.

[horn honks]

[laughter]

- Um, um...

ah.

[humming to himself]

♪ ♪

- Hold it!

You filled me outhouse with presents made of oily rags?

- Of course not. Some were made of kindling.

- Squidward blew up the outhouse!

- [whimpers]

- I sentence Counselor Squidward to--

- Wait! Don't blame Mr. Tentacles!

It was I who blew up the outhouse.

It was a rainy day.

Once Mr. Tentacles had left, I got right to work...

on my next gift of camperly love for him.

♪ ♪

Oh, boy, Mr. Tentacles! Another successful performance.

- You stink! - Ow.

- Everyone's throwing you presents.

And someone has one more present for you.

- Aw, you shouldn't have. A face mitten!

♪ ♪

Mm.

I've always wanted one. It's like...

both: A hug for your head!

- Mwah.

I love it! I love it! I love it!

- After Mr. Tentacles left,

it was time for my morning constitutional.

♪ I gotta go to the outhouse! ♪

♪ I gotta go to the outhouse! I gotta go to the outhouse! ♪

I have a present for you!

♪ ♪

- What? Why would you throw a cake in the toilet?

- Well, everyone knows it's the outhouse's birthday.

We have to give it a cake.

- How could that blow up the outhouse?

- Well, the cake also had candles on it.

[humming to himself]

- You dropped a flaming cake in the toilet?

SpongeBob blew up the outhouse!

Camper SpongeBob, I sentence you to--

- Hold it! Hold it! You're all wrong!

I'll tell you what really happened!

Allow me to quote from my diary.

Ahem...

[snoring]

I woke up on my cloud as usual.

Clouds aren't as comfortable as you think.

Too wet and lumpy.

I flew around the camp, but it was so peaceful

I got bored.

I'm lucky those aliens att*cked.

[Patrick makes laser sounds]

Run for your lives!

This looks like a job for Super Star!

Oops.

[dramatic orchestral music]

Hup-hip!

♪ ♪

[yells]

♪ ♪

Those flying saucers were pretty tough.

♪ ♪

[burps loudly]

But those dumb aliens were no match

for my spinning star att*ck.

I gave 'em a whoosh and a biff and a sock-a-roo!

And then, funky breath att*ck!

[laughs]

- What has any of that to do with the outhouse blowing up?

- [gasps] Oh, yeah, yeah.

After the aliens left, I went to visit my friendly outhouse.

I call him Outie.

[outhouse bubbles]

He didn't!

[outhouse bubbles]

[laughs] That is so like Mr. Tentacles!

[outhouse bubbles]

[laughing]

After we gossiped for a while,

we shared a pot of Plankton's chili.

One for me...

and one for you, buddy.

[quirky upbeat music]

- Plankton's five alarm chili? That'll make anything explode!

Patrick blew up the outhouse!

[dramatic music]

It's Patrick's fault! [both gasp]

- Or SpongeBob? [gasps]

- Or maybe it was Squidward? - [gasps]

- I don't know what to believe!

Squidward's delusional.

SpongeBob is one marshmallow short of a s'more.

And Patrick, I don't know what Patrick's talking about,

but he sure ain't a reliable witness.

- That's right. I ain't a revivable gymnast.

- I'm more confused than when we started.

[screams]

- I couldn't help but overhear all of you arguing.

- Preda Tory! - Allow me to help you.

You must speak with one vinal vitness.

- Vitness? Vhat vitness?

- The most important vitness of all,

the spirit of the outhouse!

[evil laughter]

- There ain't no such thing as toilet ghosts.

- [cackling] - [yelps]

- Oh, mighty outhouse!

Free us from the clog of doubt!

Overflow this camp with truth!

[cackling]

[spooky music] - [ghostly moaning]

- T-t-t-t-t-toilet ghost!

- I believe! I believe! Don't hurt me!

- Hey, Outie! Good to see ya!

- SpongeBob, Squidward, Patrick,

you all defiled me with trash!

But there is a fourth poope-trator--

uh, I mean perpetrator:

Mr. Krabs has been dumping

Pearl's dirty diapers in me for months!

[ghostly moan]

♪ ♪

- There's no diaper service in the woods.

- It was all of your foul and unstable junk

that made me explode.

Guilty!

You're all guilty!

♪ ♪

[retching]

- [laughs excitedly]

- Oh! No, no, no!

- [burps]

Farewell!

- Thanks for the chili, Outie!

- No problem, buddy.

[birds singing]

- I sentenced all of us to rebuild the outhouse.

- That I von't help you with. Auf wiedersehen!

[thunder cracks]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[all humming]

♪ ♪

[birds tweeting]

[all humming]

♪ ♪

- Well, it's been a whole week,

but we finally have an outhouse again.

[all whimpering]

Camp master is first! Gotta go! Gotta go!

Gotta go! Gotta go, go!

- Oh, we missed a nail! - I got it!

[pained grunt]

[screams]

[whimpering]

- [sobbing]

Outie!

- [sighs] Here we go again!