01x25 - A Knight in Shining Armor

[bunniefuu]

[PARTRIDGE FAMILY THEME PLAYING]

♪ Come on now
and meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ The five of us ♪

♪ And Mom working all day ♪

♪ We knew we could help her
If our music would pay ♪

♪ Danny got Reuben
To sell our song ♪

♪ And it really came together
When Mom sang along ♪

♪ Come on now
And meet everybody ♪

♪ And hear us singing ♪

♪ There's nothing better
Than being together ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪

♪ When we're singing ♪♪

[GULPING]

[MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY]

Ow!

Oh!

LAURIE: I don't know
where it's coming from.

DANNY:
What's going on?

Quick. Somebody,
turn on the lights.

Reuben, they're on!

Okay, everybody,
just stay calm.

Just stay calm.

DANNY:
What are you doing?

What do you think?

Didn't anybody ever
tell you how to act

when there's a cat burglar
in the house?

Panic?

Phone the police.

Wait a minute, Reuben.

What burglar is gonna break in

and let loose
on an amplified sound system?

Anyway, that sounds

like a lot of instruments,

so it can't be one man.

It must be a whole g*ng.

Whole g*ng?

Either that
or a man with hands.

Well, let's find out, shall we?

I think I'll stay here.

But, Danny, there's nothing
to be nervous about.

I'm not nervous.

I just think,
if you don't come back,

there should be someone here
to take care of the little ones.

Uh-huh.

[LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES]

Gee, he's cute.

Laurie, there is
no such thing

as a cute housebreaker.

[GUITAR RECORDING SHUTS OFF]

[DRUM RECORDING SHUTS OFF]

[BASS RECORDING SHUTS OFF]

Hi.

Oh, that--
that's it? "Hi"?

Um, well, no.

I-- I mean,
I'm-- I'm sorry I woke you up,

but I didn't know you were back.

Uh, you see,
I just couldn't wait any longer.

Wait?

How long have you been here?

Uh, about a week.

You mean you've been living
in our garage for a week?

Well, I--
I wanted to play you my music.

Couldn't you have chosen
a more orthodox method?

Well, I'm sorry,
Mrs. Partridge,

but you see,

when I hitchhiked down here,
I didn't know you were away.

And when you didn't come back,

I decided to record some tapes
and leave them for you.

You mean that was all you
on those tapes?

Yeah.

Well, that's fantastic.

How do you play
all those instruments?

Fair.

Fair?

That sounded great.

Wait a minute.

Hold it!

You know, before we get into
a musical appreciation hour,

we have a decision to make.

What's that, Reuben?

Whether to listen to his songs

or have him arrested
for breaking and entering.

[♪♪♪]

Gee, I'm really glad
you like my songs.

Not only
do we like them,

we're even thinking

of recording
a couple of them.

Hey, who says
crime doesn't pay?

Where are
the lyrics, Bobby?

Uh, yeah, well,
that's kind of a problem.

I...
You see, I don't have any.

You don't write lyrics?

Oh, yeah,
I write millions of them.

All bad.

Bobby,
we don't do instrumentals.

Well, I realize that,
Mrs. Partridge.

It's just that I thought
maybe you'd be able

to come up with somebody
who could write the words.

Um, do you know
any out-of-work lyricists?

I do.

Lionel Poindexter.

Who?

Remember about six weeks ago

we received a shoebox
in the mail

filled with
old shirt cardboards,

Popsicle wrappers,
and paper napkins?

I thought
it was junk mail.

Well, they were lyrics,
and they're terrific.

Here, read those.

"Dear Partridges...

"Please put music
to the enclosed verses,

"and make terrific hit songs
out of them.

Your friend, Lionel Poindexter."

I don't know, Danny,
it doesn't sound too promising.

Why not?

Well, somehow, I just can't take
anyone seriously

who writes a business letter
in purple crayon.

Also, he can't spell.

Neither can I.

Lots of geniuses can't spell.

But their own names?
He spelled Lionel with two "L"s.

Lionel is spelled
with two "L"s.

At the beginning?

PARTRIDGES AND BOBBY:
♪ Ba-bum-ba, ba-dah-ba ♪

♪ Ba-dah-ba-ba ♪

♪ Bum-ba-ba-ba-da ♪

SHIRLEY: Lionel's hometown
was a stop on our next tour,

so we asked Bobby to join us.

Armed with a shoebox
full of verses

and a busload of enthusiasm,

we headed for what we hoped

would be
a successful partnership.

♪ Bum-ba-ba-ba... ♪♪

MAN: Come in.

Mr. Poindexter?

LIONEL:
Be right out.

I'm having
a little trouble

with my doublet.

His what?

Mr. Poindexter?

That's right.

Did the landlady send you up
to look at the apartment?

Uh... no. We came to see you.

Oh. She wants me to move out.

Why?

She thinks I'm crazy.

Look, would you mind

helping me off
with my helmet?

I can't hear too well
from in here.

Well, by all means.

That's better.

You see, I--
I was just going to work.

Uh, you-- you work
as a knight?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, not every day, of course.

Excuse me.

Turn on, stove.

You see, I got this job

distributing leaflets
on the street

for a product called
"Sir Lancelot Plums".

They think
the knight suit

will attract attention.

Excuse me,
what did you just say?

Oh, I have this job
that I just got--

No, no, no, no. Before that.

"Turn on, stove"?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, why did you say that?

I wanted the stove to turn on.

So you talk to it?

Oh, well,
it won't go on any other way.

You see, I rigged it up

so that the timber
of my voice activates...

Well, I'm sure
you're not interested

in all the technicalities.

Uh, Lionel...

Didn't you
send these lyrics in?

What are lyrics?

Maybe you'd better
take a look at these.

Oh, these are
my poems.

Oh, now I see.

I think a girlfriend of mine
must have sent them to you.

She thinks I'm a genius.

Yeah, well, uh,
would you be interested

in collaborating?

At what?

SHIRLEY:
Bobby writes music.

He's looking for someone
to write the words.

Well, I'm always interested
in new experiences.

SHIRLEY: Lionel,

we're staying at

the Carriage House Hotel.

Maybe you could drop by tonight
about : ,

and listen to
some of Bobby's music.

Will there be food?

Well, I'm sure we can have
some sandwiches sent up.

Turn off, stove.

We'll expect you
about : then.

Uh-oh.

I just had a terrible thought.

What?

I think I need to go
to the bathroom.

Happens every time
I get into this knight suit.

Well, don't let us stop you.

Will he be wearing
his knight suit?

That's entirely
possible, Danny.

Danny, if he is,
pretend not to notice.

[KNOCKING]

Uh, hi.

This isn't a formal affair,
you know.

Oh, this--
this is my waiter suit.

You were working tonight?

Oh, no, I'm going to a wedding.

Oh, a friend of yours
getting married?

No. I read about it
in the newspaper,

so I decided to go.

This one's Polish.

It makes a difference?

Of course.

The food's terrific
at Polish weddings.

Oh.

Uh, you want to come in
and listen to my music?

Oh, that will be pleasant.

Great.

Well, what'd you think?

About what?

About the music.

Oh, it's probably very good.

You mean you're not sure?

Well, I'm not a very good judge.
You see, I don't like music.

Well, why not?

I've been told
by reliable sources

I have an ear made of tin.

You mean you're tone-deaf?

Yeah, but I'm sure
you're very talented.

How can you tell?

Well, you look talented.

And you seem
to play that banjo

very well too, Keith.

Thanks.

Well, um, the point is,

do you think you can write words
to Bobby's music?

Of course.

Well, then you'll collaborate
with Bobby?

Oh, I'd like that very much.

It will be nice
to have a new friend.

You know, Lionel,
if these songs click,

you could make a lot of money.

You mean this could be
a paying proposition?

Definitely.

Oh, I see.

Do you mind
if I ask a question?

Of course not.

How much does
a swimming pool cost?

Oh, $ , , I guess. Why?

Oh, I just wondered.

Well, I better be going.

I like to be there
for the toast.

I'm getting so I can
almost understand them.

Before I go,
I'd like to say two things.

Oh, the liverwurst sandwiches
were excellent.

And you're a very nice family.

You know, I've never met anyone
quite like Lionel.

Yeah, well he is
a little off-b*at,

but I think
he's kind of sweet.

Don't you, Bobby?

Yeah, I guess so.

I'm just wondering
how long it's gonna take him

to come up with a lyric.

[CHATTERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

[SOUNDS OF PARTYING CONTINUE]

What's going on?

Oh, I was just playing
my party record.

[RECORDING SHUTS OFF]

Your party record?

I made it to impress a girl
who used to live next door.

I don't get it.

I thought she'd think
I was fantastically popular

if she heard me having a party
every night.

And it didn't work out?

No. She just moved away
on account of the noise.

Do you like
girls, Lionel?

Of course.

Well, that's terrific.

Why?

We finally found something
we have in common.

Hey, maybe that story
would make a good song.

Do girls make good subjects
for songs?

They make
terrific songs, Lionel.

What was her name?

Bertha.

Bertha...

Don't you know any girls
with more romantic names?

Well, I once went steady
with a girl named Agnes.

No?

Well, that's about it.

That's it? Bertha and Agnes?

I'm not too successful
with girls.

I like him, Shirley,
but I tell you,

he lives in a whole world
all of his own.

Well, even if you don't
come up with a song together,

at least you've made
a friend.

Yeah, but I don't know.

There's-- there's something
mysterious about him.

Mysterious?

Well, he has all those jobs,

but he doesn't seem to have
any money.

And on top of that,
he keeps disappearing

for hours on end,

and when I ask him
where he's been,

he's-- he's very vague.

More vague than usual?

Hard to imagine, but true.

LAURIE: Mom?

CHRIS:
We found Lionel.

Guess what?

We ran into Lionel
in the lobby.

Yeah, and he's come up
with a song.

You're kidding.
Lionel, where is it?

I lost it.

Is that the name of the song?

No, I mean I wrote it
on something,

but I can't remember what.

Can you remember
what it was about?

Eskimo.

You wrote a song about Eskimos?

No, I wrote it on an Eskimo pie.

Well, let's find it
before it melts.

It was on the wrapper.

Lionel, where was this?

Some place where you were today?

BOBBY:
Try and think, Lionel.

Wait a minute. I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.

I got it.

I got it.

I'll go there right now.

I'll come with you.

This is yours?

It used to be
a hearse.

Of course.

Why did you buy
a hearse, Lionel?

Well, I was pretty sure

it had never been driven
over miles an hour.

GIRL: Lionel!

Lionel, where are you?

Is Lionel here?

Well, no, not right now,
but I'm a friend of his.

Will I do?

Are you as rich as Lionel?

Rich? Well, is Lionel rich?

Loaded. Isn't he?

Worth millions.

What makes you say that?

He just is.

He gives us things.

You mean, like candies?

Permanent things.
Want to see?

Yeah.

Well, what did
Lionel buy you?

Everything.

Everything?

He buys us
a different piece

each month.

Lionel's something else.

Yeah.

He certainly is.

Lionel,
I've said it before,

and I'll say it again,

you're weird.

But you're okay.

Well, I was raised here.

It's the least I could do.

Is that why you asked

how much
a swimming pool costs?

Well, it's not bad here.

They provide the kids
with all the essentials.

It's for the extras
they don't have.

And you took on
about six jobs

to take care of that.

Extras are important.

Lionel, can I ask you
a question?

Sure.

If our songs click,

will you let me pay
for half the pool?

You really want
to do that?

On one condition.

You let me look at
your Eskimo-pie wrapper.

Yeah.

Yeah!

♪ Stephanie ♪

♪ Whose eyes are blue ♪

♪ What would life be like
With you? ♪

♪ I've just been wondering ♪

♪ And I'd sure like to see ♪

♪ If you've been thinking
The same about me ♪

♪ And I'm doing all I can do ♪

♪ All but the growing
That's up to you ♪

♪ Stephanie ♪

♪ Your eyes are free ♪

♪ You can see things
As they appear to be ♪

♪ I don't have to tell you
How much I really care ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Both know
The love that we share ♪

♪ And I'm doing all I can do ♪

♪ All but the growing
And that's up to you ♪

♪ And I'm doing all I can do ♪

♪ All but the growing
And that's up to you ♪

♪ And I'm doing all I can do ♪

♪ All but the growing
And that's up to you ♪

♪ And I'm doing all I can do ♪♪

[♪♪♪]