02x21 - Promise Her Anything, But Give Her a Punch

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[♪♪♪]

Mom, someday can I sort
clothes all by myself?

Sure, when you
get old enough.

How will I know
when I'm old enough?

When you don't
want to do it.

Danny, all I need is a buck.
No way.

You'd just squander it
on cheap thrills.

There's a beautiful new girl
in school

and she wants me
to show her the town.

Now, I need a buck!

You're gonna show a girl
the town on a dollar?

It's not that big a town.

Then I'll give you a nickel.
Buy her a picture postcard.

Danny Partridge.
Yeah, Mom.

This is a brand-new shirt
and there are already

two buttons missing off
the front.

Make him pay for a new one.

It's not my fault.
Gloria Hickey tore them off.

Who?
Gloria Hickey.

She's a girl in school
and she hates me.

So she came up
and ripped my buttons off.

Danny,
I know Gloria Hickey.

You must have done something
to her first.

Nothing.

Well, it was an accident.

I was walking along,

and suddenly, I discovered I had
a ball of mud in my hand.

And I thought to myself:

"Boy, it sure is dumb for me
to be holding this ball of mud."

So I tossed it away.

And you hit Gloria right in
the back of the head with it.

Boy, it was a great sh*t.
Thanks a lot.

Why did you hit her
with a mud ball?

I can't stand her
and she's a creep.

Danny!
I'll get it.

Danny!

Gloria!
Hi, Danny.

Listen, I'm sorry about
hitting you in the head

with the mud ball.

That's okay.
It was a great sh*t.

Did you come over to see me?
No.

Oh.
I came over to see your mom.

I'm selling cookies

and I thought she might wanna
buy a box.

Well, you're talking
to the right person.

I handle all the finances.

How much are they?
A dollar a box.

Nothing to it. I'll just
have to dip into petty cash.

[♪♪♪]

SHIRLEY:
Danny, who was at the door?

Uh, it was Gloria Hickey.

She came over to apologize

for tearing the buttons off
my shirt.

Twelve boxes of cookies?

Looks like you came out on
the short end of the apology.

Don't tell anybody
I bought them.

Now, see what you made me do?
Me?

Danny, what'd you break now?

Nothing.
He dropped his cookies.

Where'd you get them?

He bought them
from Gloria Hickey.

I didn't buy them.
I mugged her.

Why would you buy all those
cookies from a girl you can't--?

[♪♪♪]

I don't believe it.
Danny's in love.

I am not in love.

She's ugly, she's got buck teeth
and I never wanna see her again.

[♪♪♪]

He's in love, all right.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Is Danny really in love?

If he spent $ , he's in love.

If she likes Danny,
she ought to get a merit badge.

All right, that's enough.

I don't want you kids
teasing him.

Having your first crush
on a girl is tough enough

without you making it worse.

Mom, I've been waiting years
for this.

No. Understood?

I'm gonna have
a talk with him.

Keith, well, what do
-year-old kids do on a date?

I don't know. They can't neck.
Danny doesn't have one.

Wish I'd have said that.
Glad I did.

[♪♪♪]

Danny, I want to talk to you.

DANNY:
About what?

About Gloria.

I hate Gloria.

Then why did you buy
all those cookies from her?

She gave me a good deal.
It was strictly business.

Danny, every boy starts
to like girls sooner or later.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

But it couldn't be love, Mom.

Love is beautiful and nice.

You know, you must've
read about it.

A little.

Well, I don't feel
any of that.

When I see Gloria, I get this
strange yearning inside.

What kind of yearning?

I don't wanna talk about it.

You'll think I'm some kind
of "prevert."

Danny, I promise I won't think
you're some kind of "prevert."

Well, when I see her,
I get this yearning,

this uncontrollable desire
to grab her

and run up
and punch her in the arm.

It's not normal.

I've seen lots of movies

and not one of them does
the hero run up

and punch the girl
in the arm.

Danny, it isn't normal
for adults,

but it's very normal
for an -year-old boy.

It is?

It's a young boy's way
of getting a girl's attention.

You mean I'm normal?
Well, close.

Boy, does that take
a load off my mind.

Mom, when I see Gloria,

I also get another
uncontrollable desire.

Oh?

Yeah, to ask her
to the sixth-grade dance.

Well, then ask her.
I can't. I'm afraid.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, honey.

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

Laurie, I know I've been rotten
to you in the past.

Constantly.

And I hope you can
forget all that,

because I'm about
to bare my soul to you.

Oh?
I'm involved with a woman.

A woman? Are you talking
about Gloria Hickey?

Now, let's leave personalities
out of it.

I've been studying a lot
of techniques to impress women,

and since you're a woman,
sort of,

I thought I might
try them out on you.

Sure. It might be educational.

Okay, method number one.

What are you doing?
Ignoring you.

You know, playing hard to get.
Oh.

If you ignore me,
how are you gonna ask me out?

Maybe I ought to try method two.
Why not?

Method number two.
Ask me what's on my mind.

Okay, what's on your mind?

I can't tell you.
Why?

Because I'm deep, dark
and mysterious. Women love it.

Wrong.
Wrong?

Better try method number three.

I don't have a method
number three.

Danny, if you're trying
to get the girl's attention,

you're going about it all wrong.

Look, pretend I'm Gloria.
Why?

Well, talk to me like you
talk to her.

And I'll point out
your mistakes, okay?

Okay, but you have
to turn your back.

I always walk up on her
from behind.

Why do you do that?

Because if she sees
me coming, she runs.

Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Gloria.

Ow! Danny, that was
definitely a mistake.

I got your attention,
didn't I?

[♪♪♪]

Well, Danny finally got
up enough nerve

to ask Gloria to the dance.

I hope she's wearing
shoulder pads.

Look, when he comes down,

I don't want you kids
teasing him.

He's scared to death
and if you tease him,

he's sure to back out.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[♪♪♪]

TRACY: You look funny.
That does it. I'm not going.

Oh, now, wait
a minute, Danny.

Danny, there's nothing
to be afraid of.

That's easy for you to say.

You've never had to ask
a girl out.

But, Danny, there's
nothing to it.

Excuse us.
It's time for man talk.

Come here.

Danny, if there's anything

you want to know
about handling women,

and you want to get it
from a real pro,

you know who to ask.

Yeah, but I already
asked Keith. He was no help.

I was talking about myself.

Mr. Kincaid,

I know you're trying to make me
feel better by making me laugh.

Bless you.

[♪♪♪]

Danny...

Look, Danny,
it's easy to ask a girl out,

especially for someone
as brave as you.

Right. Why, dazzle her with
your impish grin and overpower--

Well, don't overpower.

Overwhelm her
with your natural charm.

You really think
I have natural charm?

Yeah, we don't talk about it
because we're jealous.

I don't think you have charm.

Well, you're jealous.

That's the spirit.

Yeah, what's there
to be afraid of?

I'll walk right up, look her
straight in the eye and say:

"Gloria, I want you to go
to the dance with me."

Good.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

GLORIA:
Hi, Danny.

I can't do it.

[♪♪♪]

Well, so much for natural charm.
Let's go have some ice cream.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Mrs. Partridge.
Hi, Gloria.

I'm sorry if Danny acted
rather strange.

I didn't notice.

Oh. Oh, come in.

Mrs. Partridge, we're having
a sixth-grade dance at school,

and the girls can ask the guys
because the guys chicken out

and won't ask the girls,
you know?

I certainly do.

Gloria, are you here
to ask my brother out?

Yeah. Do you think he'll go?
Oh, I think he would.

In fact, I'm certain of it.

Really? I never dreamed
it would come true.

I have such a crush on him.
Why don't you ask him.

Between us women,
he has a crush on you too.

I don't believe it. Keith
Partridge has a crush on me?

[♪♪♪]

Poor Danny.
What are we gonna do?

I really don't know.

I've never been
in a situation like this before.

I was once.
I was in love with Rose Barker,

and she was in love
with Captain Kangaroo.

Captain Kangaroo?

Oh, she wasn't in love
with the man.

She was in love
with the image.

Hi.

[♪♪♪]

Why does everybody look so glum?

Keith, I'm afraid
you have a big problem.

Oh, I do?
Mm-hm.

Little Gloria Hickey's
in love with you.

Is this a put-on?
Afraid not, brother.

She's gonna ask you
to the sixth-grade dance.

Poor Danny.
Does he know?

No, and I don't want him
to know.

It would break his heart.

What am I gonna do?

Laurie, Mom, Mr. Kincaid.

Home wrecker!

[♪♪♪]

I think he knows.

[♪♪♪]

Did you talk to Danny?

I tried to last night.
He just didn't want to talk.

I wish I could help him.

Oh, he'll get over it.

Kids forget those things
pretty fast.

I hope so.

Boy, that does it.
It's not fair.

I mean, I can understand
a guy wanting revenge,

why must the innocent
always suffer?

Keith, why are you walking
around with a comb

sticking out of your head?

Why? I'll tell you why.
It's stuck there for good.

Danny put molasses on it.

Yeah, well,
it's not funny.

Not only did he mess with my
head, he short-sheeted my bed.

Then, during the middle
of the night,

he poured
corn flakes all over me.

I didn't get any sleep at all.

I snapped, crackled
and popped all night.

Poor Danny.
"Poor Danny"?

You weren't the one
who got breakfast in bed.

Keith, he thinks you stole
his girlfriend.

Right, you're a home wrecker.

I am an innocent
home wrecker.

Look, I can't get mad at him

because I understand
the way he must feel,

but that still doesn't get
the comb out of my hair.

All right,
I'll go and talk to him.

No.

No, this is between me
and Danny.

I think it's about time we had
a man-to-almost-man talk.

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING]

Danny, can I talk
to you a minute?

Sure. Why not? You won.
You have the right to gloat.

I am not here to gloat.

Why? I'd gloat if I were you.

You have the most beautiful
girl in the whole world

in love with you.

You're Mr. Lucky
and I'm Mr. Loser.

Danny, I'm sorry
this whole thing happened.

I can't accept your apology.

I'm not apologizing.
I have nothing to apologize for.

Sure. It's not your fault

you stole my girlfriend
from me.

It's not your fault you broke up
a beautiful relationship.

It's not your fault
I cry myself to sleep at night.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, yesterday I tried
the Mr. Nice-Guy approach

and it didn't work.

But something's gotta be done.
What's wrong?

Last night Danny snuck
into my room again. Look.

"Danny loves Gloria"?

While I'm dreaming
about native girls in Tahiti,

that redheaded hamburger

is printing true confessions
on my chest,

and he did it
in indelible ink.

This situation is beginning to
get out of hand. Where is Danny?

He's in the garage.

Danny, I wanna talk to you.

It won't do any good, Mom.

I just have to reconcile myself

to the fact that I'll be
miserable forever,

thanks to Keith.

That isn't gonna help at all.

Honey...

as you get older, you'll find
out that most of the time,

love doesn't work out the way
you want it to.

And it does hurt.

It hurts like fury.

I'm sorry.

But, Danny,
you can't honestly blame Keith.

I mean, you can't really believe

he's interested
in little Gloria.

That makes it all the worse.

To him, she's just another
wild fling.

Oh, Danny.

But she doesn't like me, Mom.

I have to blame somebody.

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.
Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Hi, Keith.
Hi, Gloria.

Uh, just a second.

Laurie, it's her.
What do I do?

What do you do
with girls in love with you?

Laurie, you have a dirty mind.
She's years old.

I could tell her
Laurie...

All right, there's only
one thing to do.

Break the truth to her gently

and build Danny up
in the process.

She might get the hint.
Good idea.

Come on in, Gloria.

[♪♪♪]

Gloria, don't you think
Danny's really a great guy?

He's icky. I love you, Keith,
and I know you love me too.

Laurie and your mom told me.
They did?

Uh, excuse me, Gloria.

You told her I loved her?

We thought she was talking
about Danny.

Thanks a lot.
Now what do I do?

It's up to you.

I make it a point
never to interfere

with other people's love lives.

So she thinks she likes Keith.
Does that mean you're giving up?

You don't call it giving up
when the game's all over.

Well, I never thought
I'd raise a quitter.

Who's a quitter?
You are.

Danny, most things in life
that people want

aren't just handed to them.

If you really want something,
you have to keep trying.

You mean I should fight
for Gloria?

That's exactly what I mean.

I think you're right.

I'm gonna go over
to Gloria's house right now

and punch her in the arm.

[♪♪♪]

So I came over to ask you
to go to the sixth-grade dance.

Gloria-- Miss Hickey.

Miss Hickey, I'd love to go
to the dance with you but--

You long-haired hamburger,

that's my girlfriend
you're asking out!

Danny, wait a minute.
Leave me alone!

Danny, you don't understand.
I understand enough!

What's going on?

A fight for the honor
of a woman.

We are not fighting
for the honor of a woman.

I'm not interested in her.
She's years old.

[♪♪♪]

SHIRLEY: Gloria!
Miss Hickey!

Now see what you've done?

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Gloria, come on in.

I guess you're here
to see Keith.

No, I'm here to see you.

Danny, I have to talk to you,
alone.

We are alone.
Oh, yeah.

Danny,
I have a confession to make.

I'm not in love
with Keith anymore.

You're not?
No.

Yesterday you were willing to
fight for me, but he wouldn't.

He couldn't love me.

Well, I knew it all along.

I just wanted to break it
to you gently.

You're so considerate.
That's true.

And, Danny?
Yeah?

Would you take me
to the dance tomorrow night?

[♪♪♪]

[SINGING "I WOULD HAVE
LOVED YOU ANYWAY"]

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ You know that
I've been watchin' you ♪

♪ For quite some time ♪

♪ Tryin' to find a way
Of makin' you mine ♪

♪ Long before you started
A-comin' on strong with me ♪

♪ With a super charm that
Brought me down to see ♪

♪ Hey, didn't you know
that you've been actin' ♪

♪ Like a movie star ♪

♪ And didn't you think
I'd dig the person you are ♪

♪ No, you never really had
To put on all that show ♪

♪ I decided when I met you
A long long time ago ♪

♪ Whoa whoa ♪

♪ I would have
Loved you anyway ♪

♪ I would have thought
You were fine ♪

♪ I would have taken you
Any day ♪

♪ I still would try
To make you mine ♪

♪ I would have loved you
Anyhow ♪

♪ I would have thought
You were okay ♪

♪ Just like I'm lovin' you
Here and now ♪

♪ Tellin' ya I'll never go away
Go away ♪

♪ Go away ♪

♪ So you never really had
To put on all that show ♪

♪ I decided when I met you
A long, long time ago ♪

♪ Whoa whoa ♪

♪ I would have
Loved you anyway ♪

♪ I would have thought
You were fine ♪

♪ I would have taken you
Any day ♪

♪ I still would try
To make you mine ♪

♪ I would have loved you
Anyhow ♪

[APPLAUSE]

♪ I would have thought
You were okay ♪

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

No one wants an autograph
from a home wrecker.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Danny, tell us what you and
Gloria Hickey did on your date.

No way. I told you, a gentleman
doesn't discuss those things.

Can't you tell us
just a little?

Laurie, you're a woman.
I thought you'd understand.

Girls are also curious.

I can't betray
my confidence.

KEITH:
Mm-hm. Can I tell you why he

can't betray his confidence?

Because nothing happened.
That's not true. A lot happened.

Like what?

Well, like when I was
standing on one side

of the gym with the guys

and Gloria was standing on
the other side with the girls,

well, she finally came over
and asked me to dance.

Why didn't you ask her to dance?

I was ignoring her.

A woman loves it
when a guy ignores her.

Forget the dance. Get to the
good stuff, after the dance.

Well, after the dance,
I walked her home.

It was a beautiful
moonlit night, really romantic,

just like in the movies.

Don't tell me.
You looked deep into her eyes.

Yeah, I did that.

Then you realized
it was true love

and you reached for her,

and then you punched
her in the arm.

Were you following me?
Just a guess.

Well, you left out the best
part. She punched me back.

I swear I'll never
wash this shoulder again.

Why not?
Because I can't lift my arm.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]