02x23 - All's w*r in Love and Fairs

[bunniefuu]

[THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY'S
"COME ON GET HAPPY" PLAYING]

♪ Hello, world, hear the song
That we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We had a dream
We'd go traveling together ♪

♪ We'd spread a little love ♪

♪ And then we'll keep
Movin' on ♪

♪ Something always happens
Whenever we're together ♪

♪ We get a happy feeling
When we're singing a song ♪

♪ Traveling along there's
A song that we're singing ♪

♪ Come on, get happy ♪

♪ A whole lot of lovin'
Is what we'll be bringing ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

♪ We'll make you happy ♪

[PLAYING "RAINMAKER"]

♪ She came with the rain ♪

♪ Scarlet ribbon in her hair ♪

♪ I never even knew her name ♪

♪ She just slipped away from me
To who knows where ♪

♪ And if it weren't for
The rain ♪

♪ She might still be there ♪

♪ Rainmaker, does she
Have to be free? ♪

♪ I guess you know she took
The best part of me ♪

♪ Rainmaker
I'll wait endlessly ♪

♪ If there's a way to make her
Come back to me ♪

♪ Doo, Doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, Doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Love was only yesterday ♪

♪ And now tomorrow
Waits in vain ♪

♪ She never promised me
She'd stay ♪

♪ So a stranger to my love
She will remain ♪

♪ And I know more than me
She loved the rain ♪

♪ Rainmaker, does she
Have to be free? ♪

♪ I guess you know she took
The best part of me ♪

♪ Rainmaker
I'll wait endlessly ♪

♪ If there's a way to make her
Come back to me ♪

♪ Doo, Doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, Doo
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Yes, I know now more than me
She loved the rain ♪

♪ She loved the rain ♪

♪ Rainmaker, does she
Have to be free? ♪

♪ I guess you know she took
The best part of me ♪

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

All right, kids, that's it.
We're on our way.

Goodbye, Las Vegas.
Hello, vacation.

I thought it would
never get here.

Neither did I.

Two weeks of sailing in the
daytime, hayrides at night.

You better get a learner's
permit for sailing.

You better get a learner's
permit for hayrides.

Hey, Mr. Kincaid,

did you decide to go on
the vacation with us?

No, Danny.

Shirley, I got great news.

How would you like to spend
your two-week vacation

right here in
beautiful Las Vegas?

Reuben, we already
have reservations

at the resort in Arizona.
I know that.

But if you decide to stay,
all your expenses will be paid.

It's a free vacation.

And just what do we have to do
for this free vacation?

Oh, nothing.
Just work.

But you can enjoy
this glorious sunshine and--

Work?
Work?

Oh, well--

Reuben,
this is our last chance

for a vacation
before school starts

and we need it.

Bye, Reuben.

Bye-bye.
See you, Reuben.

Okay. But I think
you're making a big mistake.

But have it your way.
Enjoy your vacation.

We will. The Holiday
Mountain Resort

has everything
we could ask for.

Yeah, swimming, boating.
Camping, hiking.

Horseback riding.

Shuffleboard.
Ping pong.

Water skiing.
Yeah, some vacation.

Well, look at the bright side.

We're getting
great gas mileage.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, there's your problem. The
water hose split clean through.

Ah. Well, at least
it's nothing serious.

Yep.
Fix it up in a shake.

Except I don't have
a water hose to fit this.

I'll have to ride over
to the garage

in Piedmont tomorrow
and pick one up.

Couldn't you get one tonight?

Piedmont's miles.
Can't get there tonight.

But we have reservations

at the Mount Holiday Resort
for tonight.

Can't do nothing till morning.

Might as well go in,
make yourself comfortable.

You sure we won't be
inconveniencing you?

No, not at all.
Thank you.

Come on, kids.

[♪♪♪]

All the handbills for
the fair are printed out.

You know, Cal,
we gotta do something

about our printing press.
It's getting old.

Amanda, you'll never guess
who's staying with us tonight.

If Bud Mills is drunk again--

It ain't Bud.
It's the Partridge Family.

Cal, have you
and Bud been--

No, no I ain't even
seen Bud today, woman.

Look at that.
They're here, I tell you.

Really? You mean here?
That's what I said.

You better go and make up their
beds. We got a whole house-load.

Cal, the Partridge Family.

Why, this could be that miracle
we were hoping for.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Would you like some
coffee, Mrs. Partridge?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Good. I'll brew up
a fresh pot.

Another fine kettle of fish
you've gotten us into.

Who, me? What did I do?

You sure picked an exciting
place for us to break down.

For thrills, we can go outside
and watch the ground cr*ck.

All right, that's enough.

These people have been
very nice to us

and I don't want their
feelings hurt

hearing this kind of talk.
Understood?

[♪♪♪]

Did you ask them?
Of course I didn't ask them.

They wouldn't care
about a little fair.

But if we explained
to them

the Indians are
trying to raise money.

Oh, if they just appeared
the first day,

I bet they'd
raise enough money

to finish building
the school.

Amanda, those people
are big stars.

But they're on vacation.

And the fair's
just three days off.

Oh, Cal, it's for
a good cause.

I'll run off some
new handbills tomorrow.

We can't hold them hostages.
Of course not.

But they can't blame us

if they happen to have
a streak of bad luck.

You folks sure are having
a streak of bad luck.

What's wrong?
Couldn't get the water hose?

Drove to Piedmont
and got it this morning.

Works fine.
Then what's the problem?

Well, it looks like when
your engine heated up,

it blew some hose
in your radiator.

Oh, no. If it took us a day
to get a new water hose,

it'll take us months
to get a new radiator.

CAL:
a new radiator.

A can of that stuff to
stop leaks will do fine.

Great. No problem.
Well, there is.

I don't have any of that stuff.

What about the garage
in Piedmont?

Already called him.
He's out.

He's expecting a delivery
in a day or two.

Well, what are we gonna do
for the next two days?

Go outside
and watch the ground cr*ck.

Danny. You'll have to
excuse them, Mr. Courtney.

They're just disappointed.
This is their vacation.

I understand.

Look, no reason you kids can't
go vacationing around here.

How would you like to go
fishing?

Fishing?

Oh, I'd love to go fishing.

Keith would love
to go fishing too.

Wouldn't you, Keith?
Me? I've never--

I'd love to.

[♪♪♪]

How's that, Mrs. Courtney?
Why, that's fine.

Where did you learn
to make bread?

Mom taught me.
Really?

I thought your maid
would do all those things.

She does.
And you're looking at her.

Hey, Mom, guess what.
We caught a whole mess of fish.

Enough to feed us all
for dinner.

Oh, that's great, boys.

You ought to be right proud
of your boys, Mrs. Partridge.

They're good providers.

Where's Keith?
You may not believe this,

but he's out in the garage
cleaning his fish.

Oh, you're kidding.

Oh, Mom, where's my camera?
I have to get a picture of this.

It's on the table
in the living room.

[♪♪♪]

Laurie...

[WHISPERING]
Will you cut it out?

Keith, I was the one
sneaking up on you.

So how come you're
the one whispering?

Shh! I've uncovered a plot.
A plot?

Will you shh?
Let me tell you.

Against you and me and the whole
family. They're out to get us.

You know, there's one good thing
about being paranoid.

You always feel like
you're the center of attention.

I found this box.

It's filled with that stuff
to stop radiator leaks.

But Cal said he didn't have any.

Right. He lied to us.
I smell something awfully fishy.

There's something going on
around here.

I wanna know the truth.

If we're being held here

against our will,
I wanna know it.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Mom,
could we talk to you?

Laurie,
better let me handle this.

Surprise is our only w*apon.

Uh, Mr. Courtney, could
I have a few words with you?

Why, sure.
Uh, fine.

Would you mind telling me,
uh,

where you were on the
afternoon of the th?

Fourteenth of what?
Yesterday.

Oh, I was right here with you.
KEITH: Exactly.

I was, uh...
I was just wondering why

you didn't drive over
to Pierpont--

Piedmont.

Piedmont and pick up
our water hose then

instead of waiting until today.

He would have been closed
by the time I got there.

Oh.
Keith, what's this all about?

I'm leading up to that.

You've led up to it.
Okay.

He said we couldn't leave

because we needed that
stuff to fix the radiator.

Well, I just found a whole
case of it in his garage.

Maybe Cal forgot it was there.

Yeah, maybe I forgot
it was there.

Now we can go.
Oh, no.

Oh, that radiator stuff wouldn't
do you much good anyway.

I... I guess you didn't hear
the bulletin on the radio.

Bulletin?
Yes.

The road's been washed out.

[♪♪♪]

But there isn't
a cloud in the sky.

Flash flood.
It doesn't have to rain here.

It rains up in the mountains,
and whoosh.

Never camp
in a dry creek bed.

Those flash floods will
get you every time.

AMANDA:
in a day or two.

Amanda,
where's our manners?

We ought to get these
folks some lemonade.

[♪♪♪]

I think they're
getting suspicious.

They would have been
more than suspicious

if they'd have read this:

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Uh-huh. Well--
Oh, it seems--

Yeah, yes, Mr. Manugen, I got
the handbill you sent over.

I know they turned you down,
but--

Well, how is that
a breach of contract?

If they turn you down,

they can't appear anywhere else
during that two-week period.

Well, I... I see you have
been reading the fine print.

[CHUCKLES]

You're suing for how much?

Mr. Manugen,
this is all a mistake.

I guarantee you,

the Partridge Family will not
appear at that fair.

[HORN HONKS]

[♪♪♪]

Hi.
Hi.

Uh, how do I get to
the Papago fairgrounds?

Oh, that's on the reservation.
Coming to the fair tomorrow, eh?

Partridge Family's
gonna be there, you know.

Oh, no, they're not.

Uh, do you know where
the Partridge Family's staying?

I'm their manager.

Their manager. You're gonna stop
them from appearing at the fair?

That's right.
Well, they're...

There's a good chance

that they're staying
at the reservation.

Fine. How do I get there?

Well, you follow this road
for about a mile.

Then you turn left
on the first dirt road

until you cross
the dry wash.

Dirt road, dry wash.

Now the road gets pretty bad
for a spell,

but keep going,
because it gets better.

Before you know it,
you'll be there.

Okay. Thanks a lot.
[ENGINE STARTS]

We'll send someone
to find him in time.

Oh, Cal, you're
so good to me.

SHIRLEY:
Good morning.

CAL:
doing up so early?

Well, we've been
listening to the radio.

We didn't hear reports
about the road.

So we decided we'd drive out
and see if we can get through.

Oh, no need. If the road was
open, we'd have heard something.

Well, it can't hurt
to take a look.

Besides,
it'll be a nice drive.

Mrs. Partridge, well,
since you're going that way,

would you mind if Cal and I
ride along with you?

See, I've got
an errand to run.

I, uh... I do a little work
for the Indian reservation.

And I've got some clothes
and things I wanna drop off.

It's right on the way.
Be happy to. Come on along.

[♪♪♪]

Amanda May, how are
we gonna get out of this one?

I still got one trick
left up my sleeve:

Tell them the truth.

[♪♪♪]

Well, here we are.

[♪♪♪]

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

CAL: Hi, Paul, Ruthie.
Hello, Cal, Amanda.

I want you to meet
some friends of ours...

and some fans of yours,
Ruth and Paul Wynamo.

Shirley Partridge...
How do you do?

Hello, Shirley.
Laurie, Keith...

Hi.
Tracy, Chris, Danny.

Wow, are you
the Partridge Family?

Yeah. Are you
real Indians?

Mm-hmm. Come on.

CAL:
a talk with Paul.

Make yourselves
at home, please.

Thank you.
Okay.

CHRIS:
bow and arrow?

No.

I thought all Indians
had bows and arrows.

We can't afford them.

[♪♪♪]

Anyway, they might
appear at the fair.

Cal, you're kidding.

The Partridge Family
gonna appear at the fair?

Hey, they could
bring in enough people,

we might be able to finish
the school, Cal.

I know. There's
only one problem.

There's this slicker
who's trying to stop them.

Oh?
I took care of him temporarily.

I figure if he
followed my directions,

he's stuck now out near
Wall Face Wash.

However,
since the fair's tomorrow,

I'd like to make sure
he doesn't show up

until it's too late.
Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Wasn't dry wash.

Need a wet wash.
I wish.

[INDIANS WHOOPING
IN DISTANCE]

This is a noisy country.

[WHOOPING CONTINUES]

[♪♪♪]

I, uh... I don't suppose you
guys are from the auto club?

No, I-- I didn't think so.

What you do here, Pinch Face?

Oh, now, just a minute. I...

I am a citizen
of these United States.

My descendants came over here
on the Mayflower.

My descendants met them.

Oh.

Uh...

Me come in peace.
Peace. You savvy?

Savvy. Uh...

Have, uh...
Have heap wampum. You take.

Me go like wind on prairie.
Good?

No-- No good. Uh...

Well, what are you gonna--?
What are you gonna do with me?

Same thing wide eyes
have always done to Indians.

That's cruel and unusual
punishment.

[♪♪♪]

Sure is a neat goat, isn't he?
Yeah, sure is.

AMANDA:
ghetto you've ever seen.

That's because most ghettos
are overpopulated.

Indian ghettos aren't.

They're walled off from
the rest of the world,

and the population
inside is dying.

Mrs. Courtney,

I don't know what to say
to a statement like that.

One minute, we're talking about

the children playing.
And the next--

You're right. I suppose
I was using shock value.

But there's a lot of things

most people don't know
about Indians.

Well, for example,

the average life expectancy
is about years.

If you were an Indian, Laurie,

your life would
be nearly half over.

One out of every four children

dies before it's a year old,
from malnutrition.

Mrs. Partridge,
you have five children.

Now, if you were an Indian,
one of them might not be here.

Mrs. Courtney, I...
I can't believe this.

How could we let this happen?
I don't know, Laurie.

For some reason, we won't let
the Indians help themselves.

Indian unemployment averages
to percent.

A Papago's annual income
is about $ .

Oh, I just never realized.

Somebody ought to do something.

Oh, no offense, Mrs. Partridge,
but that's what most people say:

"Somebody ought to do
something."

Well, of course, most people
don't know about the problem.

The Papagos have a fair

every year to raise money
for their people.

They're trying to build
a real schoolhouse.

When is this fair?
Well, uh, tomorrow.

[♪♪♪]

Mrs. Courtney,
if it would help at all,

we would like
to appear at the fair.

You would?

Just like that?
Just like that.

Hey, Mom, guess what.

We're gonna appear at
a fair tomorrow.

Word sure travels fast.

[LAUGHING]

[PLAYING AND SINGING
"COME ON LOVE"]

♪ Doo, doo
Doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo
Doo-doo ♪

♪ Sitting here all alone ♪

♪ You know
It's just not right ♪

♪ Lately it seems to happen ♪

♪ Every night ♪

♪ Doo, doo
Doo-doo ♪

♪ Hiding away from love ♪

♪ How could I be so sure? ♪

♪ Lately I wonder about it
More and more ♪

♪ So I that it's
Just about time ♪

♪ That I opened up my eyes ♪

♪ Then if I see love
Come my way ♪

♪ I won't let it pass me by ♪

♪ Whoo ♪
♪ Come on, love ♪

♪ Come on in ♪

♪ Come on
Let my life begin ♪

♪ I've waited much too long
To see your face ♪

♪ Come on, love
Now is the time ♪

♪ To show that
You're a friend of mine ♪

♪ As sure as
There's a sky above ♪

♪ Come on, love
Come on, now ♪

♪ Come on
Pull me through somehow ♪

♪ You've been a stranger
Much too long ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ Whoo ♪
♪ Come on, love ♪

♪ Come on in ♪

♪ Come on
Let my life begin ♪

♪ I've waited much too long
To see your face ♪

♪ Come on, love
Now is the time ♪

♪ To show that
You're a friend of mine ♪

♪ Sure as there's a sky above ♪

♪ Come on, love
Come on, now ♪

♪ Come on, pull me through
Somehow ♪

♪ You've been a stranger
Much too long ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ Come on, love ♪

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

This is the occasion
I've been waiting for

to break open this jug of cider.
It's a real good year.

What year is it?
.

Best darn year
we ever had around here,

thanks to you folks.
You doing the fair,

even after all the terrible
tricks we played on you.

Why didn't you just
ask us in the first place?

Well, we see your name
in the paper all the time.

We hear your records.

And I guess it just took
us a little while

to realize that big stars
are just people like us.

[♪♪♪]

Pinch Face is here.

Reuben!

[SIGHS]

I knew I forgot something.

[LAUGHING]

Laugh if you want.

It was good enough to get me
past those savages in the dark.

Reuben, what are you
doing here like that?

Shirley, I just had
to belly through

nine miles of
hostile Indian territory.

And do you know why?

To keep this rumrunner
from working you into a lawsuit.

Calm down, Reuben.

I called Mr. Manugen
and explained everything.

He's waived his commitment.

Everything's all
worked out, Reuben.

Oh, you may think so.
But what you don't know

is there is a band
of renegade Indians

ready to wipe out all
the settlers in the area.

Hey, Cal, that guy got away.
We were...

Hey, Pinch Face, què pasa?

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

Well, I'm confused.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]