20x06 - Pardon My Backfire

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

STOOGES:
Hello.

SHEMP:
"Happy th anniversary."

Boy, what a beautiful cake.

Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy.

Rosettes and yellow icing.

If it only had ketchup on it.

Yeah, I can hardly wait
to sink my teeth in it.

Thank you.
But let's have dinner first.

Come on, it's on the table.

MOE:
Oh, boy.

Here, baby, give me a kiss, huh?

[GIBBERING]

Huh?

Oh, no.

[TITTERING]

Oh! Oh!
Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh! Oh-ho!

MOE:
Shemp, come on, you lunkhead.

Hurry up. You got everybody
waiting for you.

Look at this.
Shut up.

Sit down. Eat your dinner
like a gentleman.

I'll eat,
but I'll promise nothing.

[BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN:
Hold it.

[MUSIC TEMPO INCREASING]

Ho.

Pardon me.

Are you gonna
eat that lamb alone?

No, I'll wait.
Maybe I'll get something else.

Oh. Say, tell me,
do you like asparagus?

Love them.

Oh, well, here's a couple
of tips for you.

Oh!

Why you...
I'll annihilate you... Oh!

Why you...

[ALL SNARLING]

[SMALL BARKS]

[LARGE BARKS]

[ALL GROWLING]

Break it up.
Break it up.

Oh!

You three no-goods here again?

But Papa,
it's our th anniversary.

Yeah.

Yeah, th engagement
anniversary.

But gee, Papa,
it costs money to get married.

Give the boys a little time.

I will.
Very little.

If they don't marry you
this week,

you'll marry those three nice
plumbers down the street.

STOOGES:
Oh, no, not that.

We'll earn enough money
in a week to get married.

Yeah, we'll keep our garage open
night and day.

We'll fix more cars
than you ever heard of.

See that you do.
One week. No more.

Okay, Pop, okay.

Come on, let's get busy.

Hold it, hold it. I'm not going
till I get a piece of that cake.

Oh, so you want some cake?

In the worst way.

That's exactly
how you're gonna get it.

Oh, no, no, Moe.
No, no.

No, Moe. No, no.

GIRLS:
Papa, you spoiled our cake.

Retreat.

[ALL SCREAM]

LARRY:
Oh, oh, no you don't.

SHEMP:
Get out of the way.

LARRY:
I... I was here first.

MOE:
Come on, get moving.

Get around.
Now, wait a minute.

What's the matter with you?

[ALL SCREAM]

[AIR HISSING]

Hey, fellas, we'd better get
busy and make a lot of money

if we don't want
to lose our girls.

Okay, then, get over there
and tune up that old car.

Shemp, you get
the tire patches ready.

[SPITS]

Mm!

[GRUMBLES]

Hey, Shemp, come here.

See if you can find a leak
in this tire.

Hey, I can't find any leak.

Oh, you're not doing it right.

Here. Get over here.

Another inch.

[CAR HORN HONKING]
You did it on purpose.

I did not.
I did not.

Oh!

Hey, Larry.
Shut that horn off.

I can't. It's stuck.

Come on.

[HORN HONKING CONTINUOUSLY]

Hey, Larry, what happened?

I'm dying
and you're asking me riddles?

Quiet.

Now, if I can only find
the right wire.

Larry. Larry. Larry.

Look at this wire.
It's alive.

What wire?

Now I don't see it.

Well, maybe you can see this.

You nincompip.

The word is nincompoop.

Who asked you?
I got a good mind...

Ouch! Ouch!

Oh, my poor, sweet, dear, cute,

beautiful little head.

Well, take your dear, sweet,
cute, little beautiful head

with the ugly kisser

and go back there and see
if the stoplight's working.

Go ahead.

Wise guy.

The light must be off
because it ain't on.

I'll check the connection.

[CAR ENGINE REVVING]

[BACKFIRE EXPLODES]

Call your sh*ts, will you?

Sorry, kid.
Pardon my backfire.

[HORN HONKING CONTINUOUSLY]

Ow. Ouch. Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh.

Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

[GASPING]

[GROANS]

Oh! Oh!

[HORN HONKING WAVERS]

Hey, I think I got
the right one.

What makes you think so?

Instinct.
[HORN HONKING STOPS]

[LOUDLY]
Then fix it with your instinct.

You probably got
the headlight wires.

What are you yelling about?

So you can hear me
over the horn.

The horn has stopped.

Oh, so it is.

[HORN HONKING RESUMES]

You imbecile! Never touch
nothing with your bare hands.

Spread out.

Let an expert show you
how to disconnect it.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[SCREAMING]

[BIG-BAND MUSIC BLASTING
OVER CAR RADIO]

You stopped the horn
but started the radio going.

You know, I, uh...

ANNOUNCER [OVER RADIO]:
We interrupt this program

to bring you a newsflash.

Three dangerous convicts made
a successful break

from the San Brandon
penitentiary.

They commandeered a car which
has little gas in it.

All gas stations and garages

are warned to be on the lookout.

What do you know about that?

These men are dangerous
and may be armed. Be careful.

A bulletin just handed me

states there will be a reward
for their apprehension.

I wonder how much.

Fifteen-hundred dollars.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Yes, you're welcome
to attend the opening

of the White and Gold Market,
which sponsors this program.

Boy, if we could only capture
those guys and get the reward,

we'd be a cinch to get married.

Yeah.

[HORN HONKING RESUMES]

[HORN HONKING STOPS]
I fixed it.

[HORN SPUTTERING]

Oh, they got me.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

That thing is haunted.

Yeah.

[HONKING PERSISTS]

MOE: Hey, hey, customers.
Left turn.

Right, right.

All right, over there, please.
That's fine.

What can we do for you, sir?

Well, you can see
that we are out of gas.

And this fender has to be
repaired and painted.

But quickly. If you hurry,
I pay you double.

We'll hurry and how.

We'll be through in a jiffy.

Would you step in the office,
please?

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

Hey, they're nice guys.

Yeah, and that's a slick chick.

You know, I think
they hit something.

Listen, every time you think,
you weaken the nation.

Go get the tools.

Oh...

You know, it just occurred
to me.

If those men recognize us,
they will talk.

I believe it might be advisable

to forestall such
an eventuality, don't you?

No. Oh, not here.

They might see us.

Hey, come on,
stop stalling, Moe.

We got plenty of work to do.

Okay.

Oh!

Hey, are you still sleeping?
Come on, we got...

We got to finish everything
here today, you know.

Hey, let me see that rasp.

What?
Hm.

Come here, you.
Wait a minute.

Ow! Ow!

[WHIMPERING]

Now, sawdust-head, get that
torch and weld the mudguard.

Go on.

Listen, lamebrain.

Let an expert show you
how to do this.

Never turn your back on people
with a hammer in your hand.

With you,
a hammer is a lethal w*apon.

Remember that.

I'll show you what I mean
by an expert.

Now look.

See what you done?

I didn't know
there was anybody behind me.

[DROPS HAMMER]

Oh, boy, you sure broke it.

MOE:
Yeah, the guy'll be b*rned up,

won't he?
Hey, Moe, we're gonna have to

replace this windshield.
You said it. We sure will.

[SNIFFING]
Hey, I smell rubbish burning.

Yeah, so do I.

Oh, it's me!

Don't go away, Moe.

[WHIMPERING]

Hold still, Moe. I'll put it out
with this wet lacquer.

Ooh! Ow! Ow!

Ow! I'm losing my mind!

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Turn around, Moe.

Okay.

Oh, oh, oh.

How do you feel, kid?

Like a baked potato.
[LAUGHS]

[GIBBERING]

That's a hot one.

There. Hot potato, eh?

Come on, fellas,
we gotta get busy here.

Go flirt with those men
to make them hurry.

But don't overdo it.
Remember, you're my girl.

You're always jealous.

Gentlemen.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh...

Would you be darlings
and hurry for me?

I'm awfully late.

[STOOGES BARKING]

[HOWLING]

Oh, sure, sure.

Go on, get busy.

Anything for a beautiful chick
like you.

Come on, sit down.
Make yourself at home.

We'll show you some real speed.

And some sweet music
for a sweet thing.

[LAUGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER CAR RADIO]
There we are.

ANNOUNCER:
Here are the latest reports
on the three escaped convicts.

They are driving an old
black sedan,

and are accompanied by a woman.

They robbed a clothing store

and all are wearing
brand-new suits.

The leader has a prominent scar
on his left cheek.

Remember that, fellas,
in case we run into such guys.

Okay.

The woman is wearing
a light-gray dress

and is of average height.

One of the men is short, pudgy.

[SNAPS RADIO OFF]

You have been a perfect darling
to give me so much attention.

Oh, I'm always happy to give
a lady a helping hand.

Don't be so generous.

Hey, take it easy, mister.

We were just listening
to the radio.

They were telling about three
escaped convicts

wearing nice business suits,
like you.

And one of them had a scar
on his face like you.

And... Hey, it is you!

Call the cops.

I'm gonna blast them.

No. No sh**ting.
We will k*ll them silently.

Knives are quiet.

Very good.
Now, wait a minute.

I gotta get married next week.

I am going to k*ll you to death.

That's too permanent.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Oh! Baby, I'm sorry,
what I do this.

I will k*ll them for this.
Darling, speak to me.

Talk to me. A couple
of syllables. Something. Baby.

Hey, buster.

My name is not Bu...

[SCREAMING]

Ow!
How do you like that?

[DRILL HAMMERING]

You like that? Oh!

I will k*ll you!

No, no.
Put down that toe-stabber.

Don't, mister.
Remember, your mother

and my mother are both mothers.

I'll get you this time.

Now I'm mad.

Why you.

I'll fix you.

[BIRD SINGING]

[MOE SCREAMING]

I'm gonna get myself
a cheap lawyer.

Ow! Oh! Ow!

Help! Let me out!

Help! Ooh!

Oh! Oh!

Help!

Let me out of here!

Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Let me out of here.

LARRY:
Moe! Shemp!

I k*ll them too.

Moe! Shemp!

THUG:
I k*ll this Moe and the Shrimp

and you together, you coward.

Come back and die like a man.

I'll get you.

Who do you think...?

[SCREAMING]

Pardon my monkey wrench.

[GROANING]
All right, come on, boys.

Tie him up with the other guys.

Right.
All right.

Taking a round corner.
MOE: Get the cops.

[HORN HONKING]

Moe.
Shemp.

Larry.

LARRY: Nettie.
SHEMP: Hettie.

MOE: Betty.
It's the girls.

Hiya, girls.
And they brought the cops.

We brought you some customers.

Yeah. They broke down
in front of our house.

You got here just in time,
officers.

Yeah, we captured
the three escaped convicts

and their girlfriend.
They're over there.

GIRLS:
Gee, you're heroes.

You're wonderful.

And with the reward,
we can get married.

Give us all a kiss, huh?

Yeah.

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

Mwah. Oh!

I'm poisoned.

Oh.
Get away.

[♪♪♪]