13x04 - The Three Troubledoers

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Well, we're pulling into town,
partners. We better spruce up.

[SNEEZES]

Eat your dust
like a man, tenderfooter.

I wonder what town
this is.

[g*nshots]

We must be on the wrong side
of the tracks.

Yeah.
Wait a minute.

Are we mice or men?
BOTH: Mice.

Don't get personal.
Let's go.

They got Lem.

That makes six sheriffs
in five months,

not counting
the deputies.

They all d*ed with their boots
on. They was good men too.

It was just that Blackie's g*ng
bushwhacked 'em, that's all.

While Gladys is wetting her
whistle,

we'll get her some shoes.

She could use bedroom slippers.
Go on.

[WHINES]

[CRYING]

What's wrong, miss?

My father's disappeared, and
I think he's been dry-gulched

by Badlands Blackie.

Badlands Blackie.
Who's he?

You mean
you don't know?

Why, he's a k*ller.

He and his g*ng
hang out at Skullbone Pass.

And if anybody gets in
Blackie's way, he sh**t 'em.

Now, gal, don't worry
about Badlands Blackie

with Coney Island Curly
around.

[LAUGHS]

Quiet, Mashed Potato Muscles.
Get outta here.

Hi, Nell.

Blackie.

CURLY:
Hiya, partner.

Here, read that.

"Nell, dear,
Blackie has got me.

"And if you want
to see your pappy again,

"you better do
what he tells you.

Father."

Well, what do you
want me to do?

Oh, it ain't so bad,
Nell.

All you gotta do is marry me,
and I'll let your pappy go.

Marry you?
Uh-huh.

No.
[GROWLS]

Listen, you oversized polecat,
what's the big idea?

Yeah, what are you
pickin' on a girl for?

Yeah.

Oh, superstitious, eh?

Ooh!
Ooh!

Why, you.

[WHIMPERING]

Ah, your little helpers
didn't help you much, Nell.

Well, what's your answer, gal?!
Time's a-wasting.

You wanna see your pappy
alive again or don't you?

Think it over, Nell.

I'll be back again
for my answer,

and it better be yes.

[ALL HISS]

Who done that?
MOE & LARRY: He did.

Smart alecks, huh?

ALL:
Ooh!

[g*nshots]

That was Blackie. Someone
whooped him in a gunfight.

Well, whoever it was,
he's our next sheriff.

[CHUCKLES]

Good sh**t', stranger.
You done fine.

We need a man like you
in this town for the law.

Pays real money too.

Money?
When do I start?

Right away.

What about my partners?

Oh, we'll make deputies
out of them.

I got badges for 'em.

You're the new sheriff.
Pays bucks a month.

Hundred bucks
a month?

Oh, boy, I'll be able
to get married.

I told you
he was a brave man.

Good luck, sheriff.
Good luck.

Well, good luck there,
partner.

Good luck.

[IMITATES MACHINE g*n]

Hey, Nell, I'm the new sheriff.
Hundred bucks a month.

What do you say
you and I get married?

If you're man enough
to get Blackie

and save my father, yes.

[SWOONS, BABBLES]

Hey, Moe. Hey, Larry.
I'm engaged.

I'm practically married.

I'm the new sheriff.

You're the new sheriff?

Yeah,
you're my deputies.

Oh, hot dog, boy.

Success.
Success.

I don't know
what you're so happy about.

Don't you know
what you're up against?

"Lem Short,
new sheriff.

Good luck.
You'll need it."

Blackie got Lem
this morning.

That makes six sheriffs
he's k*lled,

not counting deputies.

They never
count deputies.

Hey,
we're deputies.

Nyuh!
We're ex-deputies.

Come on,
let's get out of town.

No, I'm staying
to marry Nell.

I'll get
that skunk Blackie.

You'll get Blackie?
Yeah.

Like this?
Ooh!

Or like this? Come on, get out.
Ooh! Ooh.

You better get
some practice.

You got us
into this mess, egghead.

So sharpen your sh**ting eye
or Blackie will get us all.

I need my glasses.

No, you don't need glasses,
only in your mind.

I'll prove it to you.

How many letters on that card?
Seven.

You're wrong.
Fifteen.

You better use
the glasses.

How many letters
on that side the card?

What card?

Go ahead. Go ahead.
Come on.

Get up there
and get ready to sh**t.

You get over here.

Hold that.

Hit the cr*cker first.

[CHUCKLES]

[g*nsh*t]

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Who told you
you need glasses?

An obstetrician.

What's the matter with you?
Give me these things.

Now listen, we've gotta
get down to practicing,

just like I said before.

Sharpen your eye
on that hombre over there.

Come on.

You dirty
double-crosser,

I'll show you
who's sheriff around here.

Hit me. Go on, hit me.

Ooh! Why, you...

Dead as a doornail.

That's good work. But you'll
never get that close to Blackie.

What we gotta do
is find a long-range w*apon.

I got an idea.
Come on, porcupine.

[WHINES]

Okay, that's enough.

Mmph! Hey, you're supposed
to be dead.

Hm, the dummy is warm too.

He needs a shave. Ha-ha-ha!

[BABBLING]

All right, sheriff,
your time has come.

I'm gonna count to ,
and then I'm gonna blast.

One, two, three--
Not so fast.

One...
Hey, Moe. Hey, Larry.

...two, three, four...
[WHIMPERS]

Fire.

...five, six, seven,
eight, nine...

Let's get out of here.

Well, Nell, I told you
I'd be back for my answer,

and here I be.

I guess you hold
all the aces, Blackie.

I'll marry you tomorrow.

Nope, it's gotta be today.
Right now.

There've been too many things
a-happening here

that ain't to my liking.

All right, Blackie.

Well, let's get a-goin'.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, Trigger.
Nell and me's gonna get hitched.

[HARMONICA PLAYING]

Where's the judge?

Home, I guess.
Well, go fetch him.

Tell him there's
a marrying chore to be done.

Sit down, Mrs. Blackie,

and put a smile
on your pretty face.

[INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]

They want you
down at the office.

MAN:
Well.

Thanks, sonny.

Hi, boys.
Hiya, where you bound?

Oh, I'm in a hurry.
I've got a marrying job to do.

Oh, marrying?
Wait a minute.

I have a question
I'd like to ask you.

Yeah, what is it?
Well, you see...

[LARRY YELPS]

You got everything
all set?

Yeah, I gotta hurry.
I got a marrying job to do.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!

Howdy, boss.
Stick around, Curt.

We'll be a-needin' you
for a witness.

Well, well, does somebody
wanna get hitched around here?

Never mind that palaver.
Let's get a-goin' here.

Oh, well,
what day is this?

The date?
Why, it's, uh...

[YELPS]

Why, it's May .

By golly,
you're right.

Uh, the book--
Oh, yes, the book.

Do you take this horse collar
for your lawful wedded harness?

What?!

[FRUSTRATED WHINE]

Uh, th-the ring? The ring? Yes.

[PANTS]

Hmmm.

What are you--?
Hm!

[CRANK TURNING]

[POP]

You were supposed to
put it on her hand.

[CHUCKLES]

[GROWLS]
[WHIMPERS]

Oh!
Get him, boys. Get him!

Get him, boys. Get him!

[WHIMPERING]

[g*nshots]

What'd you
grab me for, Nell?

Well, I just didn't want
anyone to get sh*t.

Oh. Well, let's go.
Where to?

Oh, to my place
in Skullbone Pass,

where we should've gone
in the first place.

We can get spliced there
without bein' bothered.

But I couldn't go like this.
I have to get ready.

After all,
this is my wedding day.

I'll be there before sundown.
All right then, Nell.

At my place in Skullbone Pass
before sundown.

No tricks now, or you'll
never see your pappy again.

I'll be waitin'.

Oh.

[CRYING]

What are you doing that for?
He might be hiding in that hay.

[SPRING BOINGS]
[YELPS]

What was that?

Sounded like a dog.

[BARKING]

[PANTING]

[BARKING CONTINUES]

MAN: Mongrel.
Hey, don't do that.

I'm gonna
let him have it.

No. We gotta
get Blackie's okay.

You mean he wouldn't want
this pest bumped off?

Sure he does,
but he wants to do it himself.

We'll just keep him
for the boss.

This here
ought to hold him.

Put it on him.

Get it on him.

Ow.
Get that locked.

Got that lock on?
We'll see you later, Rover.

[GROWLING AND BARKING]

Don't worry, we'll have you
out in two shakes. Come here.

Hold that chisel.

Oh!
Why don't you
hold your hand still?

Get it up there.

Ooh, I don't think
that'll work.

No?
No.

Here, I got it.

Get around here.

Ah, this is the thing.
Why didn't I think of it before?

[WHIMPERING]

MOE: How's that doing?
CURLY: Ow, ow!

[GROANING]

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

Hey, use one of
these firecrackers.

Okay--
Ooh.

Okay, take it easy, kid.

Good idea.
You got an ounce of brains.

Hold still.

Just my luck. A dud.

Say, there must be some way
to get that thing off.

Hey, why don't you
saw it off?

Get his head in here.

Well, we haven't
got all day.

Nell's gonna get hitched
to that rat Blackie

if we don't get there in time.

Thanks.

Why, you dummy, you.

We gotta get going.
I'll get my secret w*apon.

Let's get mounted, boys.

We gotta get to Skullbone Pass
before sundown to save Nell.

Let's go.
LARRY: Hey!

[HORSE WHINNIES, STOOGES YELL]

Hey, Judd.

Yeah, boss.

You're still the justice,
ain't you?
Sure am.

That's good,
'cause I'm gettin' hitched.

Who's the lucky gal?

She'll be here soon...
or else.

She's got until sundown.

[SLIDE WHISTLE PLAYS]

["WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE"
PLAYING]

In honor of my wedding,

from now on
everything's on the house.

Nell.

Well, folks, here she is:
the future Mrs. Blackie.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Ain't she pretty?

Glad to have you.

Never mind.
Fetch the wedding cake.

Okay, Blackie.
Say, boss, we got--

I can't be bothered now.
Judd.

Here I be, Blackie.

[MOE GRUNTS]

Did you look
where you were going?

No, I went
where I was looking.

Oh, come on here. Hey.

[SLIDE WHISTLE PLAYS]

We'd better get going.

["WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE"
PLAYING]

It's a long time
since I done this.

I don't seem
to recollect how she goes.

You better remember,
you old billy goat.

Let me think.

Boy, what a mark.

Hold up for me.

All right,
let me have the ring.

The ring?
Well, I--

Here.

There you are.

No, you don't.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Take ahold
of her hand.

No, no, I can't.

Oh, you're backing out,
are you?

Fetch in her pappy.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Stop in the name of the law.

Give 'em the works. Ooh!

[g*nshots]

[CURLY WHIMPERS]

[g*nshots]

Where'd they go?
In the powder shack.

Fire!

Fine invention.

What was that?

[GASPS]

Father.

Hello, pappy old pappy
old kid.

I promised this man I'd
marry him if he saved your life.

What? Him?

I'd rather be dead.

Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

Anything to oblige.

Oh, no. No, father, no.
Oh, let go.

Father, no, no.
Let go. Oh!

[♪]