You gotta hook me up.
I need the answers for chemistry.
- Yeah, no, it's totally fine.
- I just need to pass my class.
Okay, so, uh, chemistry?
Yeah. The test is tomorrow.
- It's gonna be 30.
- You're k*lling me with these prices.
Well, you know, last minute costs double.
I don't know.
Do you wanna pass or not?
I'm the one that can give you an A.
- No!
- Oh, my gosh!
Those are bad for the baby.
Jet! Come on. No, we're done.
- But I wasn't done with that.
- I don't care.
Please get dressed. We have to go.
I did not hit on your boyfriend.
You need to back up!
- I was watching that.
- Yeah, I'm still finishing my homework.
I get the TV for two hours.
That's the rule.
- Where are we going?
- Christ, Laney! Where are his pants?
You promised Mom
you'd pick her up this morning.
You know what? Now I'm tutoring
Maverick Bowman in chemistry.
And I have an English paper,
and I have to finish
my scholarship application by Friday.
I can't keep carting her around
just because she wrecked her car!
It's out of the shop in a few days.
Please. Force Jet into some pants
and make yourself useful.
All right, bitch.
What did you say?
I just mean I think that tone-wise,
you can be kind of a bitch.
My toys! My toys!
- Stop! Jet, no! Get back here!
- My toys!
No! No! No!
- Okay!
- Oh, my God.
- Is that Mom?
- You don't want any of it.
- No, back up.
- Oh, my God.
- Put the Tasers down. I got this.
- Go home, Carlos, go home!
Okay. It's okay.
- I'm gonna hit you with this.
- Whoa! Hey. Back up, back up.
Let's put the TV down, all right?
Everything's gonna be fine.
Nothing is ever
gonna be fine again.
- Get away from me!
- Back up, back up.
Back up, back up, back up.
- We'll fix it, all right? Look, it's me.
- No! We can't fix it!
This is it. This is it. This is happening.
This... This is who I am! Oh, my God!
Don't do it! No!
- g*dd*mn it!
- Oh, no you don't!
- Oh, no, you don't!
- Watch her head.
- Oh, man.
- Stop it!
- Get off my mom!
- Stop!
- Mom!
- Stop it!
Freedom! Freedom!
So I asked the public defender,
"Why is my mom's bail so high?"
And he said that Good Buy is calling it
an act of domestic terrorism.
But they don't think that really.
I mean, I think they just get
a bigger insurance payment
if they call it terrorism.
The public defender said
that you're not talking to him.
But he's patient. And he has, like,
a lot of other cases to keep him busy.
Would you shut up?
We need to get her serious.
- We need to get her right, look at her.
- You know what's great
about being in here? I mean, great.
I get to choose
between kitchen or laundry.
One or the other. Yeah.
I mean... I gotta tell you guys,
chopping carrots just...
- It's therapeutic. It's, um... zen.
- That's...
- That's great.
- Yes! Oh, get this.
Did you guys know there's a law
in this state
that says they have to serve salad
with every single meal in jail?
Every meal has a salad. Yeah, salad law!
- Do you have a playground?
- I do.
And you know what? Mommy's doing yoga.
I'm surprisingly flexible.
- I've always wanted to try...
- You know what? Enough, enough.
I really hope that you are coming up
with a good excuse
as to why you went all Rambo
on a Good Buy store.
Baby, I gotta tell you something.
That fact that you are taking
such good care of this family
while I am away, it makes me feel so...
relaxed.
- You know what?
- Hey!
What's going on over here?
Let's go. Jet, get off of Mom's lap.
She's incarcerated.
- Ice cream.
- You gotta let go of Mommy.
- Hey!
- Okay, okay.
You would take me as your own
Make you mine
Standing next to me...
- Right here.
- Yeah, her mom robbed Good Buy.
Yeah, totally flipped out.
Hey, how's your mom doing?
Always gets this way...
That's that girl
with the crazy mom.
She's so pathetic.
Say cheese.
Deidra?
Deidra? Do you care to join us?
Uh...
You've only just missed Taylor here
making the case
for genetic determinism
by citing that he comes
from three generations of people
who can smell fear.
I'm hoping for a more cogent
and scientific argument from you. Please.
Um...
Free will versus determinism.
Free will,
is that not the basic requirement
for human consciousness?
I mean, the fact that humanity continues
to make scientific
and artistic progress proves
that we are not simply repeating
choices imposed by genetics
or environment.
Well said.
Deidra Tanner, please report
- to Ms. Spencer's office.
- Go ahead.
- Deidra Tanner, Ms. Spencer's office.
- So much for free will, right?
Deidra Tanner, my favorite student.
Let me read you something.
"I wanna go to any college that's
at least a two-day drive
from this g*dd*mn hillbilly town."
You wrote that,
on your college intent form.
And you are the one and only senior
in your entire class
who actually has the grades to do that.
So why did you miss ten days
in the last three weeks?
I wasn't keeping count.
And what about your scholarship deadline?
I had the recommendation letter ready
to go. I'm serious.
Deidra, what do you wanna be?
- What... what do I wanna be?
- Yeah.
You do realize that for thousands of years
of human history,
the question, "What do you want to be"
didn't exist?
No Mesopotamian farmer
asked his son, "What do you wanna be?"
- I mean, you just be'd what you were.
- Well, you're "being" stupid.
Thinking like that is quicksand
and you know it.
Deidra Tanner does not feel stuck.
Deidra Tanner feels fierce.
I know you're applying
to transfer schools.
Okay... I, uh... is that...
Does everyone know that?
Okay, yes, that is true.
That is true,
if I get one student into a college
that does not have the word
"community" in the title,
I could possibly get to teach
at a inner city school
that's much... nicer than this one.
But that does not mean I don't care
about the students here at this school.
You deserve to get out.
We deserve to get out.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I need you to get desperate!
Do you know, in prison,
they serve a salad with every meal?
Why don't we have that?
Would you come to school for salad?
I'll bring you a salad.
I'll get you any salad you want.
Do you want, like, a Caesar salad?
A chicken salad? Taco salad?
She's like a taco salad kind of girl.
- Don't look at that.
- Phones away!
Laney, eye contact.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Could you repeat the question?
I'll answer while she thinks.
I would choose to meet Mary Tyler Moore.
Because she used her television roles
to bring America smart, independent women.
- And she is why I wanna be an actress.
- Wow, Claire, that was perfect.
I would meet Taylor Swift.
No way, that was my answer.
- No way.
- No way.
- Laney?
- Uh...
George Washington?
- Shut up.
- All right. Let's take five.
And when I come back,
I will announce the finalists.
Laney, I really liked
your George Washington answer.
You know what? You're much smarter
than all these airheads.
Laney, what's wrong?
I went from being nothing in school
- to a nothing with a crazy mom.
- Hey, that's not true.
Soon, people are gonna remember
how wonderful you are. I promise.
Like, how you come
to these meetings with me
- even though I know you hate it.
- Yeah. I hate it.
Oh, wait. Sorry, hold on.
g*dd*mn it, Cheryl!
Sometimes I wish
my mom would go to jail.
Okay, ladies.
The time has come. We have four finalists.
Ahem.
Number one... can I have a drum roll,
please? Just kidding, no drum roll.
Katie Lynn!
Number two... Darlene.
Our third contestant is...
Claire.
And the final contestant is...
Laney Tanner.
Which is yay, right?
And for the rest of you
who did not make it,
I still expect you to sell ten tickets
to the pageant.
And then maybe,
you'll have better luck next year.
For those of you who are seniors...
I'm sorry. It's over for you.
I didn't see you leave.
Congrats on making finalist.
Of course, I knew you would.
But... I mean,
we all know I'm the surprise.
Um...
This is cool, right?
Laney, you were supposed to be there
and support me through all of this.
- I just sat there.
- And now what,
we're gonna compete
against each other? God!
You're crazy.
You're about as crazy as your weird mom,
if you think this is ever
gonna be cool, okay?
Look, as long as there's food
and you or another adult in the house,
we're gonna get along.
- Great.
- But...
if there is no food and no adult,
your siblings are gone.
Chief Manuelito, Treaty of 1868.
Thank you.
It's true, true, false.
- Good.
- Thanks.
It's "HK" not "KH."
It's nosotros somos.
Thank you.
You don't wanna sell weed.
You broke up with me for selling.
No, I broke up with you
because you have no ambition, but...
I need a chunk of money, fast.
- Yeah, well, I don't sell anymore.
- Come on, you support yourself here?
- Hey, I do stuff.
- Really?
I'm an entrepreneur.
Oh, that's fancy.
If you're hurting so bad,
why don't you apply for food stamps
- like a normal person?
- Well, food stamps
aren't gonna get me into college.
And I already tried to apply.
Turns out my dad used to sell them outside
of the Piggly Wiggly
when I was a kid.
Now the Tanners can't get them.
Whoa.
- What?
- You got a dad?
Why are you begging me?
Hit up the old man.
I'm... I'm not gonna... no.
k*ller boots, Kid Blammo.
I should get me some boots like that.
They would look good on me.
Oop, oop. Watch them nuts.
- Sweet pea?
- Hi.
- What are you...
- Dad.
Uh, hey, come inside.
- Do you want some...
- No.
Oh! And, uh, hold on.
I got something for you.
Maybe a five in there.
Maybe even be a couple.
So I mean, no child support
since Jet was born,
and... you only saved $13.
Yeah, but it's cash.
It's not about the mo...
Look, I'm the best dad
when it comes to moral support.
- What?
- I am always there when you need me,
- gone when you don't.
- Yeah, well, we can't eat moral support.
- Do you still have that truck?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah? Could you sell it?
- What? Sell my truck?
- Why?
- Well... No.
- It won't be enough money anyway.
- How would I get to work?
- This was a dumb idea. I'm gonna go.
- How would I get...
Wait, wait! No, sweet pea, don't go!
I don't ever get to see you.
Come here! What...
Do you wanna see your old man on TV?
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, no, come look at this.
I was on TV. They made a video file
that fits on my phone.
- No.
- No, you gotta see this. Real quick.
So I was filling a slot in Salt Lake,
and they came to do an interview.
Wasn't me, but it was of this...
We're here at the Pacific
Western Rail train yard
where more than $3 million
of merchandise has...
- There I am.
- Disappeared over the last couple months.
Look who's part of the newscast.
Your old man. There he is.
Thank you for doing this.
Mr. Truman, let's start with...
- Detective Truman.
- Detective Truman. Excuse me.
- Let's talk about what...
- Oh, there he goes.
- Wait, so people still rob trains?
- Oh, yeah.
They do it all the time. It's easy.
But not that I've personally...
See, the companies,
they pay for insurance,
then the insurance
just reimburses the companies.
And then we as the consumers,
we pay, like, a 10% markup
on everything anyway.
It covers the theft, so...
So no new information
about what was stolen?
Well, rail police?
Like... police, police?
That's what they call themselves.
They're just there to cover the company's
ass. It's corporate bullshit.
Yeah, and the whole yard got sacked
in New Orleans.
So Abe's gonna transfer down there
to fill a slot,
which opens up a slot for head mechanic.
Guess who's gonna slide in there.
- Thanks.
- I've gotta go.
What? Wait, why?
I'm gonna be head mechanic, babe!
A pageant?
I only joined because Claire told me
to come with her.
- I'm sorry, Claire?
- She's... she's my only friend after...
You have friends?
- Nothing good ever happens to me.
- Hey, no. Laney bug.
- You won that Geography Bee, remember?
- That was Deidra.
Yes, it was Deidra, wasn't it?
Um...
Hey, did I ever tell you
that I was Teen Miss Idaho?
Oh, yeah.
Right when I was your age.
I had a crown and a sash
and a dress and the whole thing.
I felt so special.
I even got to audition for Teen Life.
- Oh. What's that?
- Teen Life, the TV show.
It was the reality show of the '90s.
Every teenager in the world wanted
to be on it
and the producers, they loved me.
They said that I was spunky.
What? You didn't do it?
No, no, couldn't do it.
I got pregnant with your sister.
Thought I could reach
for something more, but...
- "More" is not for us.
- No, baby, I don't think it is.
Okay, uh, we should go.
- Come on. We gotta go.
- Huh?
- Laney bug?
- Bye, Mama.
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
Sorry, buddy, it's not much.
We're out of food, and the power's out.
- I'll add it to my list.
- Where were you?
I, uh, went to see Chet.
I went to see Mom.
Remember, um...
Remember when Chet used
to let us ride the trains?
Yeah. Stupid.
I got finalist
for the Teen Miss Idaho pageant.
I'm gonna rob the train.
- Well, why did I think you'd care?
- I'm not joking.
I mean, forget school, glitter bunny.
Do you know what's going on here?
Yeah. Mom's in jail,
and you're talking about train robbing.
No, I'm about to give up going to college
so that I can get a full-time job
to support you and Jet.
And even then, I might not make enough.
What about savings?
Mom said everything would work out.
Look how we live.
Does it seem like things work out for Mom?
What if we lose the house?
What if CPS lady comes back
and the power's still out?
You and Jet would go to foster care.
We would only need a little over 11,000.
I mean, that would cover the bills,
Mom's bail.
She could go back to work,
and our lives would go back to normal.
You said it. We used to ride the trains
when we were kids.
No way. Wait, what?
- I tried it myself and it didn't...
- You what?
- Look, I didn't get caught.
- Dee!
I didn't get caught. I just...
I need somebody to spot me. That's it.
I promise I won't let anything happen
to you.
No, you can't find someone else?
Who else is gonna help me rob trains?
Dee...
Fine.
But it's not gonna work. So...
Yes, it is, glitter bunny.
So how does one rob a train?
Well, there are dozens of different cars.
Like grain cars, oil cars...
box cars.
The goods we want travel
in containers on flat cars.
But the container doors
are locked with steel bolts.
We'll need something strong enough
to cut through them.
The shippers might figure out
a container's been opened.
But with 138,000 miles of track in the US,
they'll never know
where the break-in happened.
If you get caught, don't snitch.
Over here we have the train schedule,
so we know exactly when they're coming.
8,000 and 10,000. And then bingo.
Give me some skin.
We will only work at night
when there are fewer workers
and the neighbors are asleep.
We board the train half a mile
from our house.
We have 20 minutes
before we hit the yard.
Ten minutes to open the container,
five to pick boxes
and three to push the boxes off.
It's funny, right?
Get my backpack.
Oh, my God. I hate you!
The train stops for two minutes
before it goes into the yard.
When we see Mr. Bear,
that's our last chance to get off.
- Hey, wait.
- What?
Are you sure about this?
Sure about...
Oh, you mean the robbery
that we've been planning all week?
Yeah, I'm sure about it.
Okay, but wait. Planning it is one thing,
but actually doing it?
Laney, we are going to rob a train, okay?
Do you wanna bail Mom out?
Because this is how we're gonna do it.
Hey, isn't that one of Jet's toys?
He knows he's not supposed
to play over here.
- That's ironic.
- You know what?
Oh, God!
- Oh, sh**t! Go, go, go!
- Okay, okay.
Come on! Come on, we're gonna miss it.
Hurry up!
Go up fast.
Here, give me your hand.
Give me your hand!
Okay.
- Laney, hold this.
- Okay.
Okay.
Go, go, go.
- Oh, my God, I can't! I can't!
- Ready?
- Okay.
- Push.
I guess we'll start at the front?
Yeah.
I got it.
Okay.
- I hope that wasn't expensive.
- I hope it was.
Oh, two minute marker.
- Oh, sh*t! Oh!
- What? What?
It's a cop!
Laney!
- Go, go, go! We gotta split up!
- What?
Dee!
Dee.
Are you okay?
Okay, come on.
- Okay, let's go.
- Okay.
- Shut up.
- Wait.
- Okay. I got it, I got it.
- Okay.
Oh, Lord have mercy.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Hurry. One, two, three.
- Okay.
- Oh, sh*t! Get down!
- Oh, sh*t.
Remember when you
pushed me off the train?
Remember when I made you carry
freight boxes back to the house?
Towels, three microwaves and...
Jeans.
This is Deidra.
Straight A queen.
This is G Dog and Wally.
Check it out.
Where'd you get all this?
Do you want this stuff or not,
Mr. Entrepreneur?
Socks?
What the hell are we gonna do with socks?
- There's other stuff, too.
- Laundry detergent!
What? That sh*t's expensive.
All right.
I am not letting you drop out.
No slouching.
Why? I mean, you've seen me during Q&A.
People are staring at me. I get all hot.
My brain turns to cat food.
Cat food?
Sweetie, you were never supposed
to make finalist.
But a girl in Lakewood dropped out
because she was pregnant,
and the judges said I could choose
whoever I wanted, and so here you are.
Why me? There are tons
of other not-pregnant girls.
I could see you needed it the most.
Believe it or not, I was once like you.
Shy, constantly embarrassed.
And then I realized, I wasn't shy at all.
I was just out of place.
I was a Princess Kate living
in a Kardashian world.
- I'm... just a Tanner.
- We'll see about that.
Unh-unh. Handle.
Four fingers down, pinkie up. Like a lady.
- Hey!
- You said you would call. What happened?
Look.
Yeah, well...
- So tonight?
- Again?
Do you have something better to do?
- No.
- No. Oh, my God.
My face to the sky
Dreaming about just how high
I could go and if I know
When I get there
Taking off my glasses
Sun pokes through my lashes
Somehow I know
There's a time for every star to shine
Everybody got their something
Make you smile
Like an itty bitty child
Everybody got their something
Everybody got their something
People keeping score
Better hurry up and get yours
Somebody else got your spot
Before you even dropped
Seek and you shall find
Everything in my own sweet time
Yeah...
- Spiral notebooks?
- Uh, no.
Sleeping bags?
- Uh... maybe. Yeah.
- So, uh...
So there's this pageant dress rehearsal
next week at school
and they're inviting parents,
and I was wondering
if maybe you wanna come.
Hell no. That sounds terrible.
Yeah, it will be.
You know, why do you care
about this pageant stuff?
I mean, we have bigger things
to deal with.
Well, I tried to drop out
because Claire's super pissed,
- but Ms. Fowler won't let me.
- Claire? Who is that?
Claire, my best friend, you know.
- I have friends.
- Man, get back at her by winning.
- Funny.
- Why's that funny?
You say "winning" like it's not hard.
Is it, though?
We're talking about a human dog show.
Well, Mom was Teen Miss Idaho.
She was gonna be a reality TV star,
but then she had us,
and her life went to crap.
Wait a minute. Whoa, wait. What?
Her point being that I am nobody
because I am meant to be nobody,
and there's no use in trying.
So she gets herself nowhere,
and now she blames us?
You know what? You are not nobody.
You are a badass who robs trains.
You're my Sundance Kid.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Bring it in. Mmm! Just like that.
- Now come over here and help me.
- Okay.
And no screw-ups like last time.
I thought he was my suspect.
Night watchmen should wear
brightly-colored uniforms.
Well, you're teaming with local PD.
Oh, well, that's very helpful.
Thank you very much.
Hey!
I know you.
We were on TV together.
What you up to, buddy?
I'm trying to think of a small word
that means "ignoramus."
Well... all right then.
You told her not to even try.
Have you met your daughter?
She can barely order pizza over the phone.
- Deidra, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
What if this is something that she needed?
- You said that we ruined your life.
- What?
No. Deidra, that is not what I meant.
You know what?
I am gonna take care of Laney now.
That's not what I meant.
Right there.
The height, the build, the energy,
these are obviously teenagers,
and they're probably mine.
Or maybe they could be very short adults.
- Ever think of that, Mr. Truman?
- Detective Truman.
And I know the difference
between teenagers and midgets.
Don't say that word.
Nobody says that word anymore.
I understand the students
in this school ascend
- to a particular level of miscreancy.
- They're not my students.
I mean,
I'm transferring to a better school
as soon as I get all
the college applications.
Trust me, I'm as embarrassed to be
in this godforsaken burg as you are.
I am Pacific Western Railroad's
top investigator.
I never partner with local PD.
I never babysit rent-a-cops.
New experience for both of us, I guess.
I typically take down
organized criminal syndicates.
I do not want
to be investigating teenagers.
Now, I know that you're gonna feel
the need to protect your students,
but any information you have
that could make this investigation
go faster would be appreciated by me,
my railroad
and the United States government.
Excuse me, ladies,
have you seen Deidra Tanner?
Okay. Has anyone seen Deidra Tanner?
Okay. Mr. Morrissey, hi.
Have you seen Deidra Tanner?
Hmm... I don't think she's been
in class all week.
I need the light!
- I need...
- Where's Mr. Bear?
Thank you.
- Dee, there's cameras!
- What? No! Laney!
Oh, God! Please!
I'm gonna k*ll you.
Those cameras weren't there yesterday.
So what?
It's not like anybody watches them.
- Who's that?
- I don't know. Just answer the door.
Answer the door.
- I don't want to.
- Just get it.
- We'll be fine.
- What are you gonna do with that?
If you don't answer the door,
I swear to God.
- All right.
- Just... be cool.
- Hey, there.
- Hey, there.
- I'm looking for Deidra.
- I'm not here.
She's not here right now.
- She's not here?
- Nope.
She's right here.
- Like right here?
- Laney!
Deidra, get your things.
We're going to school.
- Now's not a good time.
- I cannot believe you did this.
I can't believe that one day
random cells started to divide
and form complex organisms,
but it happened.
Is it you and your sister?
Is this a trend?
- Are there more people? Who is it?
- Nobody.
- I'll guarantee that.
- I'm gonna have to tell Principal Wagner.
- No, no.
- We're on a zero tolerance policy.
- No, you don't have to tell.
- I do have to tell.
There was a Pacific Western rail cop
in my office two days ago
- looking for teenage train robbers.
- I was just doing what you said.
- What did I say?
- You told me to get desperate
so I can bail my mom out
and come back to school.
- That is not what I meant.
- Well, now college is back on the table.
I mean, rolling deadlines are still open,
and I'm actually saving money
for my first semester.
- I can apply to any college you want.
- Even the Ivies?
Why am I even considering this? No.
You are a thief and an extortionist.
You know, if I go to jail,
your valedictorian
- is gonna be Stacy Alberts.
- Oh, God.
The girl who wants to major
in domestic engineering.
She'll bring up cast iron cookware
in her speech.
Deal.
Now, I'm an accomplice.
- Okay.
- Oh, sorry.
Tell me about this train cop.
And finally we can never invest too much
in Pre-K education.
Way to go, Claire. Excellent answer.
Laney, you're next.
Oh, wow, that's a really nice dress.
Did your mom make that
in a prison sweatshop?
Laney, name your favorite school holiday
and why.
My favorite school holiday is...
Columbus Day. Because we
wouldn't be here without Columbus.
Unless you're Indian,
Native American, then...
Martin Luther King Day. Duh.
Okay. Well, most of your answers
blew me away.
Ladies,
that signifies the end of rehearsal.
- I already told my kid.
- With the cop poking around,
- I can't promote someone with a record.
- I'm not the one stealing this time.
Yeah, go.
Yeah.
He dropped a traction motor on his toe?
That's what happens
when you promote the wrong people.
I'm coming right down. Just a sec.
Next time it comes around.
There may not be a next time!
Mr. Bear? What are you doing here?
Good afternoon.
My name is Victor Truman,
and I have been deployed here
by the Pacific Western Railroad Company...
to enlighten all of you
as to the lethal dangers of rail traffic.
Ha ha!
Dee, stop it.
What the hell is this?
I don't know. Some guy came into school
today and gave us a speech.
Oh, my God, this is disgusting.
What do you think it means?
Do you think they know?
No. No, of course not.
I mean, they have that every year.
I had to sit through it last year.
The health teacher has a stack of those
on his desk next to the bowl of condoms.
I've never heard of...
Well, you don't pay very much attention
in school.
Maybe it's something to think about.
- What is?
- Packing up shop, bringing Mom home.
I feel like we're not getting
enough money out of this.
No, we're not.
Oh, sh*t!
It's CPS day.
Laney, you were supposed to be home!
You were supposed to be home!
Oh, my God!
Hey, don't be so dramatic, honey.
You know, every time Uncle Dennis
comes in and does a little housework,
they act like they've seen Bigfoot.
- You are just a hoot.
- No Sasquatch here.
- More pancakes?
- You know, I probably will.
You are gonna make
an excellent husband someday.
Thank you.
Well, Gloria, kinda hate to see you go.
- Oh, well, thank you.
- Yeah.
With all of these kids running around,
it's nice to have an adult conversation.
- Ooh, I'm an adult.
- Just barely.
Barely legal.
- So are you gonna be here next week?
- Well, I'm hoping so. Will you?
- It's a date.
- Okay.
Well, you know, a court-ordered meeting.
Or a date.
You got a little syrup right there.
- Got it.
- Thanks.
- Okay. Bye now.
- Bye.
Chet, what are you doing here?
Chet? Chet, what are you doing here?
- Chet, no! Don't!
- Wait!
Well, lookee what we have here.
I'll give you one point for organization.
That little thermometer chart,
that's a nice touch.
But minus three points
for your dumb shittery.
What are you thinking? Huh?
These can't be here.
Any Joe Piss can wander down the street
and look back here,
and you're looking at county lockup,
three years minimum.
Chet, you can't be here legally.
Burn these. That's the best way
to destroy the evidence,
but do not tell your mother.
What if that CPS lady figures out
who you really are?
- I mean, what if she sees your record?
- Manifest Destiny.
A man has a right to protect his family
regardless of the law.
- That is not Manifest Destiny.
- You know something?
Your Uncle Dennis
did a little recognizance.
It turns out old Gloria, she has
over 200 cases in this county alone.
So she ain't gonna be looking me up.
Honey, come give me a hand with this one.
No. No, don't do that.
I can handle this myself.
Oh, can you? Okay.
How's that cop
gonna run his investigation?
- A cop?
- You don't know.
- Oh, my God.
- You don't know.
But I do because I've been investigated
many times.
- Not cool.
- You girls know how you got caught?
- The dude from school?
- Nope.
On the bottom of each shipping container,
there's a sticker.
And on the sticker, there's a bar code.
And that bar code
matches the shipping manifest.
So when you open the container,
it rips the sticker, destroys the bar code
so it can't be scanned
at the next checkpoint.
- An investigation?
- Oh, yeah.
The cameras.
Oh, and, uh... recognize him?
Mr. Bear?
I gave you Mr. Bear
at your eighth birthday party,
right before your mom kicked me out
when my dealer ate the cake.
- Could you just stay? Come.
- Laney.
No.
I ain't got nowhere to go.
A cop?
Spencer told me on Monday,
but it's not a big deal.
Not a big deal?
- Our felon father is in the backyard.
- I will try to get rid of Chet.
- No. No.
- Okay?
- He knows. We have to stop.
- No, look, this is Chet, okay?
He will probably get bored
and go home tomorrow.
- We told you not to bring anyone.
- He promised he would be quiet.
We're still trying to move the backpacks.
- Backpacks?
- What?
What? No. What is this, Walmart?
- Chet, shut up.
- What's our cut?
- Forty percent.
- Forty percent, no.
- That's highway robbery.
- That's exactly what this is.
We need to make money too, all right?
I'm saving up for the culinary institute.
I like your style, but listen to this.
What if I can guarantee you
electronics, cosmetics...
I'm talking name brands.
- You can't do that.
- I can do that.
- No.
- Yep, I can.
- You give my girl 60% here.
- Sixty?
Sixty percent and you'll be graduating
from the French toast to the brioche.
- We can't do that.
- We can do that.
- Can you?
- No.
We can. Do we have a deal?
- Sixty percent.
- Sixty percent.
- Name brands.
- Name brands.
- Electronics.
- Electronics.
- You got a deal. Whoo!
- All right.
Hey!
- I did not need you to speak for me.
- Why?
I'll just log some hours
at the switching station.
That way, we know exactly
what's coming in.
Everything that we have right now,
I got myself.
- Without you or Mom.
- Of course you did.
But that's because of me, too.
Look, honey. We're the same chunks of DNA.
We run around
influencing each other's actions.
- Now I was a mess when you were little.
- Yeah.
That helped you to learn for yourself.
Are you seriously trying to take credit
for all of my hard work and success?
No. I'm just saying that...
you finally need my help
for something that I'm good at.
- I was thinking...
- Yeah?
- About the stickers.
- Stickers, yeah.
If you swipe the shipping manifest,
I could print new stickers
in the computer lab.
Yes! Yeah, see,
that is that Tanner ingenuity.
- Let's go!
- I don't have the keys.
Got 'em.
Look for the X.
Look for the... oh, there it is!
Go! Go, go, go.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
None of the seals were broken.
Then why am I missing
three TVs and a case of cell phones?
You said you would have this
done in a week.
Yes, I know I did, but I cannot figure
this out snooping around a school
with a pacifist cop and a counselor
who clearly needs to be on medication.
- Please give me back my g*n.
- Are you serious?
After what happened in Arizona?
You are lucky I let you
carry a flashlight.
Yes, I know. I got the memo.
Goldie...
You look ten years younger
and 20 years finer.
If the table wasn't here,
I'd put another baby in you.
What are you doing living with my kids?
Our kids.
'Cause I'm the best dad in the world.
I'm there when you need me,
I'm gone when you don't.
- We don't. They don't.
- Listen.
There's a big debt. It's still there.
And only you can fix that debt.
Only you can heal that debt,
from the heart.
So...
Why am I so attracted to you?
- And I wonder why...
- Can I just...
- Your nails look nice.
- Thank you. They do 'em in here.
- Can I just...
- They did a good job.
- Chet.
- Yeah?
- I hate you so much.
- I hate you too.
- I hate you so much.
- I hate you more.
I hate you so much, Chet.
- Guard! Guard!
- Hey! Hey!
Okay, that's it!
- Break it up! Break it up!
- Get the spot, baby.
- Phyllis! Phyllis!
- Yeah, I got it.
- Oh, my God. Chet.
- You both get off!
Okay, okay.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay, okay!
Come on, baby! Come on! Okay!
- No! She's coming with me!
- Just one more, just one more.
- She's coming with me!
- We're going in the hall.
Overnight, this operation
has gone from erratic
to the most sophisticated I've seen
in my career.
So our investigation has to evolve.
I'm gonna start interviewing students.
Anyone who lives within
a five-mile perimeter of that train yard
gets interviewed by me.
We are so screwed.
We're gonna be so rich.
I'm confused.
The Federal Mint.
The Federal Mint has a car?
- Like, to ship money?
- Yeah.
But it's rare, and guys like me
never know which train it's in.
- This is a great opportunity.
- That's the night of my pageant.
- Laney! Do you care about this at all?
- Yeah.
I mean, train dude is bringing us in
for questioning tomorrow.
- I know.
- Are you ready for that?
Yeah, what are you gonna say
when train dude starts questioning you?
- Um...
- What are you gonna do, Laney?
Um...
No. Cops see "ums" as confessions. No ums.
Eye contact or jail? Answers or jail?
- Well?
- I don't know.
Would you stop being a baby?
Ohh...
What is your problem, glitter bunny?
Chet's supposed to leave, right? No.
He stays. And the Federal Mint car.
This is too much. This is like real crap!
Shut up! You rob trains, too,
so you need to stop whining.
Stop it!
I knew there was money missing.
What the hell? What is this?
Keep your voice down.
- You... you're taking money?
- Yeah.
This is supposed to be going towards
getting Mom home!
You know what?
We don't have to stop at Mom's bail.
I can make enough money
so that I can go to college,
- I can pay for my first semester.
- That wasn't the plan.
- This is my plan.
- Of course.
- Why can't you see the bigger picture?
- Because I'm not you!
Yeah. You are, all right?
You're a Tanner, too.
We're all part
of the same shitty chunks of DNA!
Fine.
It says here that your home is
in close proximity
to the Pacific Western railroad
train yard, is that correct?
Yeah. But, uh, I don't like trains. So...
They're loud and dangerous.
One time this really gross hobo hit on me
at the Tiger Mart.
I think he hopped trains.
You got a problem with a second year
senior? I got perfect attendance.
Chelsea Rich has this new iPhone,
but everyone knows her dad was fired
from the Hershey's factory.
So people said
she blew Nicholas Burtleson for it.
But Nicholas doesn't have a job.
So where did he get it?
- Wait a second. You're the valedictorian?
- I will be, in May.
Why are we interviewing the valedictorian?
What's next, the frigging glee club?
Your list, man.
- So, what did he ask you?
- Nothing, really.
- Nothing?
- No. Nothing.
Laney!
- I'm sorry. I've gotta go.
- Deidra. Deidra!
- Ms. Spencer! Look at my dress!
- I see it.
- Who did this?
- I don't know.
It's ruined.
STDs.
STDs.
Hey, there.
I like your toys.
- Deidra!
- Jet!
It's just a photograph. We're all good.
Valedictorian.
- Hey, are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Did he ask you anything?
- No.
- No? He didn't ask you about trains?
- No.
Joining me now to talk about this
is Detective Vick Truman.
He is with the Pacific Western
Rail Police. Thank you for joining us.
- Mr. Truman, let's start with...
- Detective Truman.
Detective Truman. Excuse me.
Let's talk about what was...
I, I am unpredictable
I, I'm up to no good
You, you think I'm incredible
Incredible, yeah
Don't matter what you do
I'mma do my own thing
Don't matter what you say
I'mma stay awake
Don't matter what you think
I'mma pave my own way
Yeah, you know that today my day
I'mma write my own
This is so cool.
Whoo!
You got enough for your mom?
More than enough. Thank you.
You know sometimes,
and I'm not saying this to dig at you,
but you act like you're too good for us.
- You're fricking shady gangsters.
- Shady?
- Yeah.
- What do you think we do?
G's auntie taught us how
to sell your crap on eBay.
We use my grandma's attic for storage.
Dee, you showed up here all judgmental,
so I started spewing
that entrepreneur crap.
I didn't think you'd actually bring
boxes of junk.
So you wouldn't have done this
if not for me?
Yeah.
So don't act like
this is some hostage situation.
- I'm not acting like it's a hostage...
- Go to college. Have a life.
Anyway, did I tell you guys
about Carl?
Oh, man, so on the day I'm supposed
to get promoted...
I'm so sorry
I pulled you into this.
I'm sorry I let you.
Um...
I gotta go.
I'm sorry.
So that guy's definitely
gonna kick that guy's butt.
Whoa-ho-ho!
Well, that's a big hunk of change.
Where you headed, sweet pea?
To the bond company to bail Mom out.
I want you gone when I get back.
I thought I was gonna help you
hit that mint car.
No.
Wha... When did you...
I'm gonna grab another cold beer.
You want one?
No. I'm good.
So who's b*ating who?
- Uncle Dennis.
- Hey, Gloria.
There she is, the woman of my dreams.
Don't sweet-talk me.
Why didn't you tell me
you were their father? Chet Tanner.
- Yeah. That's my Christian name.
- Oh, honey, you're no Christian.
Oh. Uh, I, uh...
Where's his real guardian?
Oh, Dee. Yeah. She's...
She's right over here.
Let me go get her. Hey, come on.
Let's go find your sister.
I think she's making, uh...
She's making toaster strudels.
Damn it!
I thought he was the one.
I paid your bail.
They'll release you in the morning.
Just prepare for the trial because
I went through so much to get you out.
Oh, baby, what did you do?
No. This family just ruins each other,
all right?
- Stop.
- No.
Stop!
Deidra Josephine Tanner,
turn your ass around and set it down.
I never, never meant
to say that you ruined my life.
Baby, I'm in here 'cause I ruined yours.
Honey, some people...
A lot of people, they said that I...
I lost my one big sh*t.
But not me. Mnh-mnh.
I didn't regret having you,
not for one minute, not for one second.
And that's why I saved every single dime
from my Teen Miss Idaho grand prize,
$10,000.
And I put it in a savings account for you,
for college.
And no matter what happened,
every single week, I added to it.
Hey, I got two more in the car.
And try to believe
I got caught up in a daze
Of the wine and roses
Such a sweet escape
But I watched it all slip away
Like running water from my hands
Raining on this picture land
The fallen empires, the shattered glass
The wicked echoes of my past
I've seen it all before...
Will you still be here tomorrow?
Or will you leave in the dead
of the night?
So your waves don't crash around me
I'm staying one step ahead of the tide
The bills
from the crash piled up.
I was spread too thin,
and I lost everything.
Or will you leave in the dead
of the night?
So your waves don't crash around me
I'm staying one step ahead of the tide
Will you leave me lost in my shadows?
Or will you pull me into your light?
Teach me how to be loved
See, honey,
not doing better for me.
That didn't matter.
But not doing better for you?
That's what hurt.
Mom.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Come here.
Hey, buddy.
What is that? Is that Deidra?
- What's going on?
- Didn't I tell you?
- No.
- I finally cracked my case.
Hello.
Funa, thank God. Listen, I need to know
where the Tanner girls are.
I hate to tell you this,
but they might be train robbers.
- I know. Thank God you know.
- Okay. So where are they?
Okay, uh, they are...
They're at the pageant.
Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.
Hey, you.
- Hi.
- Are you ready?
Uh... yeah.
- I think so.
- I am so proud of how far you've come.
I took this little shadow of a girl,
and I turned you into a princess.
You are a princess
who shines brighter than the sun.
You're a princess star.
I want to hear you say it.
Say it? I am a princess star.
Hey, you got this.
- You can win this whole thing.
- Okay.
What are you waiting for?
Get out there.
Oh, I... Uh, okay. Thank...
Hey. Watch...
Ladies and gentlemen, she's gonna make
a great governor one day.
Thank you so much.
And, ladies, thank you
for being in this part of the show.
We'll be seeing you
a little bit later. Thank you.
And we're introducing the next group of
our contestants coming out on the stage.
These lovely ladies
will be taking some tough questions.
And contestant number one.
Why did you join this pageant?
Hey, um...
Don't move until your sister comes
to get you, okay?
- Where are you going?
- Uh, just gotta go outside for some air.
Can I go with you?
No. I wish you could.
But, no.
I gotta get "Dad" air outside on my own.
- You can take Kid Blammo.
- What?
Look, can you tell your sisters
that I said, "Hey"?
Excuse me.
I was Teen Miss Idaho.
Well, 4th runner up, 1997.
Hello? Hello, sir? Can I help you?
I'm good, sweetheart.
I'm sorry. Sir, you cannot go back there.
Sir, please stop.
Deidra.
Listen, Truman knows about the trains.
I know, but I've gotta get to Laney.
Thank you for joining us.
Contestant number one,
are you ready for your question?
Thank you.
If you could meet any person,
living or dead,
who would you choose and why?
Miss Tanner?
Mary Tyler Moore,
because she's done so much
to bring modern women to the media,
and she's the reason I want
to be an actress.
No. That's my answer.
You ruined my dress,
and you ruined my life!
You think your life is hard?
You have no f*cking clue!
Laney!
Okay, simmer down.
All right, tadpole. That's enough.
- You're coming with me.
- Okay, okay.
This will only hurt a little.
What are you doing?
Get off of me! Let go!
Get your hands off my student!
This so-called student
is now under my jurisdiction.
There's no need to grab her like that.
- Hi, Carlos.
- Hey, buddy. Jet, what the hell, man?
Come with me, man. God.
Clear a path. Clear a path.
Do you feel that I can see your soul?
Do you feel it, do you feel it?
Do you feel the b*at in your heart?
I want it, I want it real
Run away with me now
I want it, I want it real
Run away with me now
Stop, what are you looking at me
like that for?
Look, what you don't understand
is I'm the best dad in the world
when I'm not there.
No. I'm there when they need me.
I'm gone when they don't.
Okay, so you can stop looking
at me like that.
- Yeah. You got Chet.
- Chet.
I need you to get down to the train yard.
- Right now?
- I need your help.
Truman's got Laney. But I've got a plan.
That cinder d*ck! I'll be right there.
Hang on, Blammo.
Oh, thank God.
- Laney, are you okay?
- I think so.
- Where's Truman?
- He's looking for Deidra.
Let's get you out of here.
Do you have any idea where your sister is?
I don't know.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! What the hell?
That's Deidra.
What the hell is she doing?
She's trying to get herself arrested.
Oh, no, she doesn't.
- Laney!
- Laney!
- Laney!
- Laney?
Laney?
- What the hell are you doing?
- You can't be here.
- Truman's waiting for you at the yard.
- I know.
I am not gonna let you take the fall
for this, okay?
I am the one who decided to rob trains.
- You got to hide. Get in this box.
- No.
No. No!
Listen!
I knew it was a dumb idea,
but we did this together.
We stick together,
and you don't get to make all the rules.
You're right. But right now,
I need you to get in that box.
No!
You're not getting yourself arrested.
What are you talking about, arrested?
I'm not gonna get arrested.
What do you think I am, an idiot?
Why are you throwing flaming boxes
off the train?
Truman has a record,
and I'm gonna provoke him.
- I'm gonna record him with my phone.
- You're gonna need more proof.
I know.
Laney, you need to stay out of this.
- Get in the box...
- Deidra!
What?
What's the one thing I'm really good at?
Not being noticed.
Give me your phone. Trust me.
Well, if it isn't the valedictorian.
- Mr. Truman.
- Detective Truman!
You teenagers think you're so smart,
but what you don't know
is that I already have your little sister.
So why don't you come quietly?
No.
I've seen your record.
You lay one hand on me,
and you'll lose your job.
I'm not gonna lose my job.
I'm gonna be a hero
for exposing a family of train thieves.
With what proof?
I don't need proof.
I just need to make an arrest.
Your mom has a record,
your dad has a record.
You come from a lineage
of screw-ups.
No one cares about people like you.
If you end up in prison,
nobody in this town is gonna bat an eye.
Why are you smiling?
All right, get your hands
behind your... whoa!
Okay.
Oh, God.
- Okay, sugar dumpling.
- No! Let me go!
- Get off me!
- You're all mine.
Stop it!
What are you doing up there? Hey!
Dee!
Dee!
I'm coming.
Oh, my God.
- I got it.
- What?
With what proof?
I don't need proof.
I just need to make an arrest.
- Oh, that's great.
- Okay.
Now we just have to hope that
that holds him until his boss gets here.
What the hell, man?
- You took away my bargaining chip!
- Deidra!
- But he'll do.
- Ow! Let go of me!
Whoa, whoa!
- Put the kid down, man.
- I'm gonna arrest both of you.
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
- Jet!
- Truman, give me a reason.
Put him down. I said put the kid down.
Don't make me do this, Truman.
- Come on. Go ahead.
- Hey, buddy!
Let go of my son.
Way to go, Dad.
- You know who taught me that?
- Who?
Kid Blammo.
- You took away my bargaining chip.
- Deidra! Deidra!
- But he'll do.
- Ow! Let go of me!
Put the kid down, man.
Are you trying to make a fool out of me,
or are you trying to make a fool out
of the company?
Neither.
I am just trying to solve this case.
- I have evidence.
- Just shut up!
You're under arrest,
and now I've gotta figure out a way
to keep these people from suing us.
No!
Um, I can actually think
of a couple of things that we need.
- How is your legal team?
- You're a smart girl.
- Let's talk over here.
- He kinda...
I almost won the pageant,
and then he ruined it.
Oh. Forgot about her.
Just let me do all the talking.
- Hi, Gloria.
- Don't "Hi, Gloria" me.
Miss Tanner.
You left your brother
with an unfit guardian.
He's not...
A man has a right to protect
his family regardless of the law.
- What is he talking about?
- Oh, that's, uh, Manifest Destiny.
Well, that doesn't make any sense.
I'm sorry,
but I'm gonna have to take the kids.
- Sorry. It's my job.
- No. You don't...
- Mommy!
- Hey! Oh, you guys are a mess.
Um... who are you?
I'm their mother.
- You could help me, you know?
- I could, but I don't wanna.
See if I come home for Christmas now.
Don't say that.
Don't cry, glitter bunny.
I'll come home, I promise.
I have something for you.
Oh, Jet.
Mama.
You're gonna be the first Tanner
to go to college.
And I love you so much.
And I am so proud of you.
Yeah?
You go.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Okay.
I love you guys.
Hey!
Did I miss her?
Go inside.
You look better walking away, sweetheart.
Crashing like a tidal wave
It's the only thing we can't escape
We'll love until there's nothing left
Falling is a leap of faith
Where do we run to?
Take the chance we could
Get hurt anyway
How do we learn to
Walk again, walk again?
Why are we scared to?
Let someone in, let someone in?
It's written in the sky
You can't help who you're gonna love
Will we travel down the roads we met?
Trust a little twist of fate
Where do we run to
Take the chance we could
Get hurt anyway
How do we learn to
Walk again, walk again?
Why are we scared to
Let someone in, let someone in?
How do we learn to
Walk again, walk again?
Why are we scared to
Let someone in, let someone in?
Welcome back, students.
I know you may think
that your future looks bleak.
You're probably thinking,
how could a kid like me in a school
like this make anything of myself?
You're probably thinking
I may as well make meth
or sell my body for money
or start a fight club.
Or rob a train.
But you don't have to do that
because you have the best college
and career planning counselor
in the entire state.
Last year, I got one student
into 27 top-tier colleges
and you idiots can do the same thing!
With my help, you're all going to college!
You're going to college!
You're going to college!
You're going to college!
I'm gonna revamp the hell out
of this school! Say it with me!
College! College!
College! College! College! College!
Yes! We're gonna do it.
I'm gonna turn this school around.
Whoo!
I, I am unpredictable
I, I, I, I'm up to no good
You, you, you, you think
I'm incredible
Incredible, yeah
Don't matter what you do
I'mma do my own thing
Don't matter what you say
I'mma stay awake
Don't matter what you think
I'mma pave my own way
Yeah, you know that today my day
I'mma write my own way
Soon you'll see only I've got me
Soon you'll see
I'm capable of anything
Let me be, I'm comfortable being alone
And I'm a-runnin' solo
I've got this on my own
Yeah, I know
That I have got a long way to go
But it's always been just me
And my shadow
My shadow, I be rollin' solo
I, I, I ain't got no chill, no
I, I, I'm bad to the core
You, you, you, you, you think
You know me
But you don't, no
Don't matter what you do
I'mma do my own thing
Don't matter what you say
I'mma stay awake
Don't matter what you think
I'mma pave my own way
You know that today my day
I'mma write my own way
Soon you'll see only I've got me
Soon you'll see
I'm capable of anything
Let me be, I'm comfortable being alone
And I'm a-runnin' solo
I've got this on my own
Yeah, I know
That I have got a long way to go
But it's always been just me
And my shadow
My shadow, I be rollin' solo
Runnin' solo, in my zone though
I ain't got no time
One man, all me, by my lonely
Me, myself, and I
I don't do this for my health
I don't make records to sit on the shelf
Last time I checked
Nobody was payin' my bills
Nobody got me like myself, hey!
The only company I keep is my shadow
Look in the mirror
I tell myself "Hello"
Gone off the deep end
None of my thoughts are the shallow
No, no, no, no
I feel like I'm in a league of my own
League of my own
I wonder if they will miss me
When I'm gone
Soon you'll see only I've got me
Soon you'll see
I'm capable of anything
Let me be, I'm comfortable being alone
And I'm a-runnin' solo
I've got this on my own
Yeah, I know
That I have got a long way to go
But it's always been just me
And my shadow
My shadow, I be rollin' solo
Yeah, I be runnin' solo
You'll catch me runnin' solo
I'm-I'm a-runnin' solo
Lay it, lay it down
Let me see your hand
Show me what you got
You're always talking
But you're not playing
It doesn't match your face
Gotta find my way away
From this place
Can you take me now?
I want it, I want it real
Are you afraid of me now?
Are you afraid of me now?
Do you feel it? Do you feel it?
Do you feel that I can see your soul?
Do you feel it? Do you feel it?
Do you feel the b*at in your heart?
I want it, I want it real
Run away with me now
I want it, I want it real
Run away with me now
Some days I'm built of metal
I can't be broken
But not when I'm with you
You love me real, we have it all
Can't leave me now
I love the way you are today
Run away with me now
Wind in my hair 'cause I don't care
Baby, run away with me now
Run away with me now
Do you feel it? Do you feel it?
Do you feel that I can see your soul?
Do you feel it? Do you feel it?
Do you feel the b*at in your heart?
I want it, I want it real
Run away with me now
I want it, I want it real
Run away with me now
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Don't leave me
Never leave me out
Don't leave me
Never leave me out
Don't leave me
Never leave me out
Don't leave me
Never leave me out
Don't leave me
Never leave me out
Don't leave me
Never leave me out
Deidra & Laney Rob a Train (2017)
Moderator: Maskath3