02x07 - Gangster

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

♪ Mmm, denim. ♪

Wow, Guy. You look...

Like a country and western singer.

What's this?

Part of the surprise this weekend.

What surprise?
Is your passport valid?

Yeah. But I'm not sure
Customs will recognise me.

I look about in it.

Whenever you're ready.

So where are we going?

It's a surprise. Give me a clue.

Aha. Norway.

♪ Yeah, not going out, not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

Sorry!

How will I know what to pack?

You don't need clothes. I've just
cleaned out the Kings Road.

At your age, it's good to
get that done regularly.

What do you think?

It's absolutely... I know.

It's totally... Isn't it?

It must have cost... It did.

There's a glitch in the matrix.

Wow, Guy, it's really generous
of you but I can't accept this.

It's... Unacceptable.

Ebay.

Course you can.
I'll leave you to try them on.

I've got to get back to the club.

Bye, Poppet. Bye...

So are you just going to accept
all this, Sharon Stone?

What's that supposed to mean?
It's like that film, isn't it?

I'll be wearing knickers.

Not that film.

Actually... No!

Casino,
where she's a gangster's moll.

How much more blatant
does he have to be?

He's buying you flash clothes,
owns a lap-dancing club.

Yeah, he's a gangster.

And I'm a post-op transsexual.

Forget doing the
Sharon Stone thing then.

So you're going to parade round
the flat in clothes Al Capone's
making you wear, are you?

He's not making me wear anything.

What do I know?
I'll choose some music.

Guy.

What a surprise.
That's what I was about to say.

What are you doing here? Then that.

Fred Truman's got monkey skittles.

Weren't going to say that, were you?

Unusual place to sell ice cream.

Good for passing trade.

Actually,
I think I'll go somewhere else.

I might get the school run
before the drug dealers.

Cornetto?

On the house.

We can't turn up at Guy's office
and accuse him of being a gangster.

It's rude.

I must put that wet
blanket out to dry!

Had an accident again?

We'll do it subtly.

Just say...

"Hello, Guy."

"Hello,
there's a bloke in my car boot.

"Oops! Wow, you're good."

Doesn't it worry you that he might
be involved in organised crime?

That's what bothers you, isn't it?
That he might be organised.

Come with me.
I'm trying to protect Lucy.

I need you in case he
does a Michael Jackson.

Turns ugly?

That'll do.

You don't want to hear my version.

What's that?

In case he takes me on a Ferris
wheel and tosses me off.

Well,
I said you didn't want to hear it.

How did you talk me into this?

I need muscle.

When I look at you,
I think "Mr Muscle."

Hello.

r*fle COCKS

HUSKY VOICE: If anybody moves,
I'll k*ll you.

What have I done to make you
treat me so... disrespectfully?

You knew we were here.
I heard you. We were whispering.

Who taught you? Ian Paisley?

You're not letting this go then?

Take the rest of the tissue
out of your mouth.

I have. Oh.

Where's Guy? In the stables
measuring heads for your beds.

You wouldn't laugh if you'd seen
what I saw this morning.
I bet I would.

Guy receiving a package
in the back alley.

And he was looking
round suspiciously.

Well, you would.

Oh, hi. This is a pleasant surprise.

And Lee as well.

I've come
for a bit of advice, actually.

I need to send a package
that's quite urgent.

"Cashier number five, please."

Yes, this isn't a post office -
this a lap-dancing club.

"Sex booth number five, please."

Lee saw you having
a package delivered.

I'm guessing that was a
courier service. No.

That was my driver dropping off
my passport for this weekend.

Passport? Yeah.
Like your Blockbuster membership
card but you get to go abroad.

Anyway, I'll show you both out.

Aren't there lollipop ladies to
harass over a dinner money racket?

So what are you
planning this weekend?

It's a secret. I could tell
you but I'd have to k*ll you.

Lee, I need to talk to you.

I know I said Guy wasn't a gangster,
but there may be some truth in it.

Really? Yeah.

There's someone I want you to meet.

They call me Scarf Face.

I was going to pull up your
pants and say, "I'm Wedgie Kray."

I can't believe you
fell for his story.

Having a passport
delivered in a jiffy envelope!

Do you know of anyone actually

clumsy enough to break a passport?

Hello.

Do you know a millionairess
nymphomaniac
willing to drop her knickers?

Oh! Just the one wish, is it?

Flippin' 'eck.

Nice hankerkerchief.

Two sneezes at the most.

Don't you start.

He's got a point. It's a bit strange
having someone buy all your clothes.

See?

Not as strange as having your
mum sew your name in them.

That was a good idea.

It's easy to get
confused on stag weekends.

Why is Guy being so secretive?

It's a surprise holiday.

Guantanamo Bay
was a surprise holiday to some.

There's nothing dodgy about Guy.
Just drop it.

Fine. I wash my hands of it.

You'll hear no more from me.

That is the end of it.

Right, this is what we do.

We break into his office and
find out once and for all.

Break in? Don't worry.

No-one will know we've been there.

CRASH! SMASH!

Well done, Raffles.

How did you convince me to do this?

Calm down. It's all
right for you if we go to prison.

At least you'll be
surrounded by your family.

Don't worry, you'll be family too.

Uncle Charlie in C Wing
needs a new wife.

There's the package.

Go on, open it.

You open it.

It was your idea.

Might be something scary in there.

Don't worry, you can't put hard
work or commitment in an envelope.

Wow.

It's amazing how different some
people look in passport photos.

I can't believe I forgot
to put my passport in the safe.

Can't lose that before our trip.

I hope we're not going on safari.
I might get sh*t.

You look fantastic.

You were stopping traffic.

They probably thought
I was a safe place to cross.

Tim, Lee, do you want
to come out of there?

How did you know it was us?

Dirty trainers and Hush Puppies.

Damn! We should have swapped shoes.

So what are you doing here?

Surprise!

Not the face, OK.

What's going on?

I think WE should be asking that.

Looks like you got me.

It wasn't a passport I had
delivered. It was these.

Well, at least we cleared that up.
Right, time for bed.

Guy?

It's OK, Lucy, I'll deal with this.

I don't like putting you behind the
eight ball, but what's with the ice?

Pardon?

Did your droppers have to squirt
some lead to get this cabbage?

Have you had a bang on the head?

Oh, I see.

Bang on the head. Like that, is it?

I've left a note, you know.

Sorry? I've left a note at the flat.

Do you know what would
happen if you k*lled us?

I'd go and get the note.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, Lucy, this was
supposed to be a surprise.

Don't worry about the surprise.

It's like a Kinder factory in here.

I'm having a necklace made up
for you.

Sorry, I lied. I was put on the
spot by Poirot and Miss Marple.

Which one am I?

Why am I always the woman?

Hang on.
They must have cost a fortune.

I know diamonds and they look...

Big and really shiny.

They're not diamonds, they're

white sapphires, Lucy's birthstone.

I had them cut into a shape

known as La Coeur de Mon Amoureuse -

'The Heart of My Beloved'.

Can I keep the little bag?

Why?

I'm gonna throw up.

It's a lovely thought.
They're very pretty, Guy.

Maybe you could get
a brooch made as well.

You see,

that's why you're always the woman.

We'll laugh about it one day.

Yeah, the best man's
speech will write itself.

"I wasn't keen on Guy at first
because I thought he was
trying to k*ll me.

"Imagine my embarrassment when he
turned out to be a sl*ve trader."

Is he? No, he isn't!

Anyway, how do we know
they're not real diamonds.

Not a third time!

You're the only person I know who can
triple jump to the wrong conclusion.

I've got a plan.

I took something before we left.

Don't worry, I haven't done

anything wrong. Yeah, that stealing

commandment's a tricky one, isn't it?

Is it "thou shalt"
or "thou shalt not"?

I'm gonna put it back.

I've just borrowed it
to get it valued.

You see, what we do is this... I'm
sorry, Mr Poirot, you're on your own.

Miss Marple is going home
for a lavender-scented bath
and a glass of sherry!

Wow!

This one looks... cruise-shippy.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure about it.

Don't be silly,
you look amazing, Lucy!
It'll go great with the necklace.

Oh, yeah, the necklace.

Sorry about Lee.

He's never met people before.

Oh, it's OK. It's not your fault he
fancies you and is insanely jealous.

Don't be ridiculous.

There are only two objects of Lee's

affections, and they're

both attached to Fern Britton.

Actually,

talking about the necklace,

it's a really lovely thought, but...

don't you think maybe all those
sapphires, there's a danger it
might make me look a bit... What?

Well, you know, bling-bling.

I don't see how wearing a necklace
can make you look like a panda.

No, it'll look fantastic on you,
especially with that dress.

So it looks like
I'm wearing it, then.

Actually, erm... bling-bling's
a rap thing, by the way.

I know, it was a joke -
I may be ancient,
but I have heard of Pence.

Well... it's certainly
a big one, isn't it?

Yep. As me old Nan used to say, you
could buy a lot of cider with that.

The question is, is it a diamond?

You've come in here to find out
if it's a diamond? Yeah.

Of course it's a diamond.

I knew it was a diamond. Did you?

Yes... So how much is it worth?

Do you already know that as well?

No.

I'd say about... , .

I bloody knew it!

Do you actually need me?

It makes you think, doesn't it?

If that's worth , ,
how many would cost?
I'm not falling for it again.

I'm sure there's a rational
explanation. Go on, then.

Well, maybe Guy wants her to
think they're white sapphires,

and then he's going to tell her later
that they're diamonds, as a surprise.

Yeah, maybe he's going to
keep it going for weeks.

Diamonds! Sapphires! Diamonds!

Glass! Diamonds! Kidney stones!

See-through haemorrhoids!
Crystalised goat nipples!

What are we gonna do? Nothing.

I'm sure Guy's a... decent bloke.

No, he's not!

Oh, yeah, cos you're a great
judge of character, aren't you?

This is like when we watched Jaws.

That was different. How did you ever
think that shark would save the day?

Anyway... maybe all this
isn't really about Guy.

Maybe it's about you... and Lucy.

I don't know where you
get your ideas from.

It's from a little publication
I get called Inside Lee's Head.

It's full of photos of monkeys
dressed up like humans and
naked pictures of my sister.

Please, promise me you won't
say anything. But he's a ganst...

Look, for the final time, neither
Guy nor anyone else round here has
got anything to do with the mafia!

Capisce?! I mean, understand?

Right, I won't say anything -
I don't want to end up
sleeping with the fishes.

Will you please stop trying
to talk like Al Pacino?

You're from the northwest of England.

All right, I don't want to end up
sleeping with the shopping trolleys.

So they'll just be
checking in, then.

You know, I saw a film recently.

I suppose it's wishful thinking to
presume that's the end of that story.

There was this big scene at the end

where the girl was leaving

town with this man.

And she was just being swept
along because he seemed mature

and good-looking and sophisticated,

but it turns out he was evil.

And then there was this other man,

and he was... nice,

but a bit of a deadbeat waster

with no friends.
He used to drink all the time

and wake up in the street
stinking of his own...

Yes, all right... we get the idea.

So what happened? ..urine.

Then the hero

raced to the airport to try

and save her before it was too late.

Well, it probably is too late.

They're probably halfway to Sicily
now. Is that where they're
going, then, Sicily?

Oh, we all know what
Sicily's famous for, don't we?

Olive oil? Gangsters! Yes.

No wonder he's not admitting
they're real diamonds.

Oh, well done, Lee.

Careless talk costs lives.

Sorry, can I just check again,
is your name Barbara or h*tler?

Yes, OK, I know - the side
parting was a bad idea.

The little tash
isn't helping either.

Maybe he's an
international diamond smuggler.

Hang on... Did you see the
size of some of those diamonds?

If he was smuggling those in the
traditional manner, he's got a
higher pain threshold than I have.

He wouldn't need to,
she'll just be wearing them.

I bet Customs wouldn't even bat an
eyelid, it's always the most obvious
place that people forget to look.

It's like me with my house
keys... and my car keys.

And my car, actually.

My house once, as well.

Yeah, but what's he gonna do
when he gets there? "Give 'em back,
you've had your bit of fun"?

Yes, what is he going to do?

I'll drive.

So what happens
at the end of this film?

The hero chases after the girl,

he saves the day, the music builds,

- and they kiss by the fountain
- as the fireworks go off behind them.

I like a happy ending.

And then the jealous baddie finds
out and sh**t the hero in the face.

Sorry about our little
disagreement earlier.

Hopefully, this makes up for it.

I can't wait to see the look on
the other ladies' faces when
they see this in first class.

I'm not
wearing it on the flight, surely?

People will think I'm Mr T.

Maybe we can discuss this later.

I ain't gettin' on no plane, fool!

Lucy... No, Guy.

All of these presents,
it's really generous of you,

but this necklace, these
clothes... they're just not me.

Come on, darling,
we're going to be late.

Hang on. I think you might want to
take that diamond necklace off
and hand it to me, please.

Help, police, we're being att*cked
by the world's politest mugger.

I've told you, they're not diamonds.

Oh, for God's sake...

Here's a receipt for a dozen

sapphires. That proves everything.

Oh, is that right?

It certainly looks right.

Shut up.

Phone them if you like.

I'm getting confused. What about

the diamond you took and had valued?

Oh, I see. Has he got that one

stuffed up his...? No, I haven't.

For your information,
Hetty Wainthropp...

Another woman.

There IS a real diamond.

That diamond was made into a ring.

A very special ring...

Lucy?

Oh, my God! You mean...

You're not, are you?

You're actually asking me to...
wear that big gaudy thing as well?

I love you, Lucy.

Will you marry me?

We should...

Hang on!

All right, maybe
he's not a gangster.

But he's still not
right for you, Lucy.

You're an independent woman with
independent thoughts. You don't need
some man making decisions for you.

So I'm telling you, say no. Come on!

LEE COUGHS

It was broken when I found it!

Sorry.

I'll carry on
cleaning out the fridge.

I don't mean... It doesn't matter,

might as well call it a day.

So... well...

I'm guessing the hero

didn't manage to jump on that horse,

grab the robot girl

and k*ll the evil monkey king,
then?

Sorry, that was a different film.

She's gone.

When I was just a little girl,

I asked my mother, "What will I be?

"Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?"

Here's what she said to me.

I'm guessing it was a no.

♪ Que sera sera

♪ Whatever will be, will be

♪ The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera. ♪

This is the worst day of my life.

Well, look on the bright side.

As one door closes, another one...

DOOR OPENS

Forgot your duster?

I thought we could keep that as
a down-payment on the breakages.

Hello.

What are you doing here?

I thought you would be in Sicily.

Well, you know what these
budget airlines are like.

They took a wrong turning
and I ended up in the corridor.

Actually, if you'd said landing,
that would have been funnier.

That's not important.

So what happened?

Do you want to talk about it?

Sure?

I said no.

Sorry, do you mean to me
just then or to...? To Guy!

Why?

He was too controlling.

He said he wanted
to take care of me.

He didn't say he wanted
to take care of me, did he?

He's gone to Sicily on his own.

It's over.

Don't do that.

I'm gonna have a bath.

I know, but use the tap,
that'll take forever.

Sorry!

I do try and stop myself,
I really, really do.

Is there anything I can do?

There is, actually.

You know some nights
you just need to be with someone,

to talk to them and to hold them?

Well, this isn't
one of those nights.

Can you stay over at Tim's?

Yeah, sure.

Are you sure you're going

to be all right? Yeah, I'll be fine.

So it looks like it's just going to

be the two of us from now on, then?

Yeah.

I suppose it is.

I forgot my duster.