13x05 - Train

[bunniefuu]

♪ We're not going out

♪ Not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need
to scream and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪

TRAIN HOOTS

Wonder why people love
first-class so much.

You wouldn't normally find me
in here.

I think you've answered
your own question there.

Well, I love it. I feel like the
heroine in a romantic film

Like Brief Encounter
or Doctor Zhivago...

Or Trainspotting.

That's not a romantic film, Mum.

No, but there is lots of heroin.

Thank you so much for this.
It's generous of you both.

We thought a day out to remember
was better than just

boring old flowers and chocolates.

What did you get for Lucy
this year, Lee?

I think, you know, Jeffrey.

And thank you both
for coming along.

Our pleasure.

When I told Anna we were going
on a steam train trip,

she was chuffed.

In fact,
she was chuff, chuff, chuffed!

Anyway, we thought we'd book the
last two seats in your compartment,

otherwise you wouldn't know
who you might end up sharing with.

Yes, you could have found yourself
spending the whole journey

staring across at someone
who really irritates you.

Wasn't that a lovely lunch
in the dining car?

Unforgettable.

I certainly won't forget
watching Lee eating.

I know you. You can't
take him anywhere.

And yet you have to.

Well, I certainly
won't be forgetting lunch.

Oh, for God's sake, Lee.

Well, that's not like you.

It's not theft.

I mean using cutlery.

At least put it in your bag, Lee.

Oh...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT AGAIN

You might want to see a doctor
about that, mate, sounds nasty.

Excuse me. I think you might...

.might be in my seat.

Sorry, I'll budge up one.

Well, actually,
there's someone in that one as well

Could you budge you up two, please?

Then I'd be on the railway track.

Budge up, Lucy.

Oh, is that one reserved as well?

Reserved?

He's emotionally constipated.

Sorry.

Bit of an elephant in the room here.

No wonder no-one can find a seat!

I mean that this compartment,
it's, it's completely full.

Lee?

Oh, maybe he's allowed
to sit where he likes

because of his, um, condition.

Condition?

You know, because you're...blind.

Oh, thank God for that.

I thought this tunnel
was going on a bit!

Sorry, we haven't
even introduced ourselves.

There are six of us in here.

Three men and three women.

I guessed it wasn't just two people
with multiple personalities.

And you're in a train compartment,

Good God!

Jeffrey is putting his head
in his hands.

What are you doing, woman?

I'm trying to include our quest.

Guest? He's not staying,

It's a thing they do for people
with restricted vision.

It's called audible subscription.

Audio description.

I'm Wendy.

Next to you is my daughter, Lucy.

We're all here for her birthday.

Oh, happy birthday, Lucy.

Special one, I assume?

Let me guess.

Charmer.

That's only a compliment
if he can actually see you.

Lucy is glaring at Lee.

For heaven's sake, woman,
is there a button you can press

to turn the audio description off?

Apologies about Jeffrey.

He lacks a certain je ne sais quoi.

Great.

Now someone's pressed
the foreign language button.

I'm a little older than ,
actually.

Oh, surely not.

You've got a very young voice.

Maybe I should feel your face.

No, thank you.

So I'm assuming
that you're Lucy's dad?

No, I'm her husband.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't realise you were blind
as well, Lucy.

Lucy's dad, Jeffrey is
sitting next to me.

That's directly opposite you
and one place to the right.

We're saying a quick hello,
not playing battleships.

Next door but one to you is Anna.
Sat opposite her is Toby.

They're friends...

Of Lucy, not each other.

I'm Martin.

Hello, Martin.

Hello, Martin.

Right, well, it has been
lovely meeting you.

Yeah, I should leave you all
in peace, I suppose.

Are you going to be OK?

Maybe I can walk down the train
with you and help you find a seat.

I'll be fine, thanks, Lucy.

But maybe when we reach
the destination,

you can get off with me.

Lovely to chat with you all

Thanks for your hospitality.

Are you sure you'll be OK?

Toby has stood up.

I'll be fine.

I'm sure there'll be some space
on the floor outside the toilet

where I can sit, just so long
as I don't cause a nuisance

and get in people's way.

The last thing I want to be
is a nuisance.

Lee, move!

You're not going anywhere.

Oh, no, there's absolutely no way
I can take this man's seat.

There's no way we're going...

Well, if you insist.

There's room for everyone.

Lee can sit on the floor.

I hope you're all enjoying the views

because I can't see anything
from down here.

Maybe your mother—in-law
could describe it for you.

A cow.

Another cow.

Three cows.

Can I stow your bag for you,
Martin?

No, it's OK.
I'm fine, thank you.

Sure.

Toby, the man doesn't want
your help.

Don't give in to his relentless
passive aggression, Martin,

You'll end up married to him.

Four cows.

A guard has entered.

She is a woman.

I wondered what these were.

Tickets, please.

Is this actually allowed?

You know, seven people in here?

No, actually, it's meant to be
just six to a compartment.

Oh, no.

I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

What a shame.

But I suppose, you know,
rules are rules.

What? Not me.

You're the one squatting
on the floor.

Only cos he sat in my seat.

No, it's OK.

It's my fault.

I'll go and find a space
in another compartment.

Oh, but the train is packed.
You won't get one.

It's fine, Lucy.

People are always willing to give up
a seat for somebody less able.

Well, most people.

Enjoy your birthday, Lucy. Bye, all

That wasn't very nice of you, Lee.

You'd have done the same thing
if he was in your seat.

I most certainly would not.

I'd have moved Toby and sat there.

Just need to give you all
a word of warning.

Telling all our passengers.

We've had some reports of a few
things going missing on the train.

So we're on high alert.

High alert for a spoon?

Nothing.

A passenger had an expensive watch
go missing.

Another a large amount
of cash taken.

It happens from time to time,
I'm afraid.

Criminals board, mingle, help
themselves and then disembark.

I knew it.

Trains are just mobile slums.

We're keeping an eye out
for anyone acting suspiciously.

I presume some of you are thinking
what I'm thinking.

I think we all are, Wendy.

There's a criminal on board, and we
just let a vulnerable blind man

go out there
to be taken advantage of.

Seems very unfair.

It doesn't feel right, does it?

Poor man.

What are you all talking about?

You lot never seen a film?

He's the thief.

Don't be ridiculous, he's blind.

And how do you know he's not
just pretending to be blind?

Of course he's not pretending.

You've only to look at him.

That's all part of the ploy.

Dark glasses, the stick, the hat?

Yes, the well-known hat
that all blind people wear.

It's a perfect excuse to bump
into people and pickpocket them.

"Sorry, me darlin',
I didn't see you there,

"the ole peepers ain't workin'.

Police are on the lookout
for a man described as probably

being in the cast of Oliver.

There was something dodgy
about him that I didn't like,

and he was holding on to that bag
very tightly.

I bet you it's full of stolen stuff.

Or perhaps he's already heard
about the thief and was feeling

protective about his things.

Yes, maybe he's got his favourite
spoon in there.

Come on, then,

What's he got that's so important

that he would grip his bag
like that?

A tuning fork?

You know,
in case he needs to tune a piano.

A railway timetable.

And how is he supposed to read that?

Yes.

A Braille-way timetable.

Or maybe that bag
is full of stolen cash.

Ludicrous!

He's not a criminal.

So why has he not got
a seat reservation?

Everyone else in first-class
seems to have.

Look, it doesn't matter
if he's blind or not.

He's gone now.

So it's not our problem.

Well, it is our problem
if he's now the victim of a theft

because Lee threw him out.

Well, I'm sure he'll be fine.

He'll have been offered a seat
by a nice group of people

and be laughing and joking
and having a wonderful time.

He'll be shewing them all
his tuning fork.

Oh, here he comes,
prowling for victims.

Or maybe he was flirting
with someone else's wife

and they threw him out.

Grow up, Lee.
He wasn't flirting with me.

This way.

Oh, thank you.

I was just in a compartment
with a very annoying pillock.

His wife was a bit of all right,
though.

It's us, Martin.

Oh. I thought there was ne space
in here.

There is now.

Allow me.

There you go.

Same seat as you had before.

Have you heard about the thief?

Thief? What thief?

Things have gone missing
on the train,

We've been warned
to keep an eye out.

Not, eye, just...

Just be wary.

See it, say it, sort it.

No, no, not see it.

Hear it and

feel it.

He who smelt it, dealt it.

Sorry about my husband,

He lives quite a closeted life.

He's never met anyone who's...

You know?

This devilishly good looking?

It's fine.

The biggest problem is people
skirting around my blindness.

You CAN talk openly about it.

OK, I've got a question,

If you're blind, where's your dog?

Bessie!

Bessie! Where have you gone, Bessie?

Yeah, I'm only joking.

I haven't got a dog.

Anyone else?

Does being blind mean you've got
exceptional hearing?

Pardon?

Does being blind mean
you've got exceptional hearing?

I think that was a joke.

You saying pardon.

Ne, I genuinely didn't hear
what she said.

She said, "Does being blind mean
you have exceptional hearing?"

Pardon?

K, that one was a joke.

No, I think I just rely
on my hearing more,

There are loads of misconceptions
about blind people, you know?

We all read Braille.

We all tune pianos.

We all make
exceptionally sensitive lovers.

Well, it's not completely true.

Can't read Braille or tune pianos.

I notice you're wearing a watch.

Just wondering how that works?

I don't know.
I'm not a watch expert.

Pardon?

I'm not falling for it again.

I'm just wondering
why you wear a watch,

especially when you consider
it's called a watch.

What's a watch
but a thing you watch?

I'm sorry.
Am I in the Dr Seuss carriage here?

It was my dad's.

Is that right?

Are you questioning
whether I am actually blind?

Yes, stop being so rude, Lee.

This man is clearly
as blind as a bat.

Sorry, no of fence.

None taken, I've had to make up
for it in other ways.

Exceptional hearing.

Massive penises.

Really?

Of course, if you were a bat,
you'd be able to hang upside down

from the luggage rack.

Then we wouldn't have
all these seating problems.

Not trying to be rude.

Yes, it comes effortlessly with Lee.

So, just to clarify, mate,

you do accept
that I am actually blind, right?

Yeah, of course.

It doesn't mean you're not a thief.

Pardon?

You don't get blind thieves.

That's like saying you don't get
dyslexic serial K*llers.

You mean kerial sitters.

I'm not saying you are a thief,
of course I'm not.

I'm just simply making the point
that just because somebody is blind,

you shouldn't then make
the prejudicial comment

that they wouldn't be able
to be a thief.

Oh, well, I mean,
that's a fair point, I suppose.

Thank you.

I mean, I do like
an equal opportunities arsehole.

Can we talk about
something else, please?

Are you married, Martin?

No.

Not...not see, um...

I mean, feeling.

Smelling?

No, I'm not seeing anyone either.

I'm young, free and single.

So what's in the bag, mate?

Nothing.

Just stuff,

Like what?

Four pairs of underpants.

And what colour are they?

Two red, one blue, one green.

Interesting that you know
the colour of your underpants.

Not as interesting as you wanting
to know the colour of my underpants.

Is this man bothering you, sir?

I'm fine, thanks.

I wasn't talking to you.

What's going on?

This gentleman had his hand
in your bag.

Oh, so you don't describe that,
then?!

Only because I was locking
for the thief.

What, you were looking for the thief
in my bag?

Who do you think's doing it -
the Borrowers?!

Ne. But I think it might be you.

Lee is pointing his finger
at Martin,

Sir, can I ask why you returned
to this carriage?

That is a very good question.

I didn't return.

They dragged me in here,
and then he made a grab for my bag.

Well, it's easy to make things
look bad by describing

exactly what happened.

I'm not the thief.
These lot will tell you.

Right?

In his defence...

No, I can't think of anything.

He's many things,

but my husband is not a thief.

Yeah. Unlike him.

Lucy...

I felt loads of cash in his bag.

There's no cash in here.

Well, you might want to start
using fabric conditioner,

because those underpants felt
very crispy.

Oh, I've had enough of this.
I'm getting out of here.

Oh!

A large amount of money falls
from the bag.

You know damn well it does.

Can I ask where you got this cash
from, sir?

Well, if you must know,
it's the same reason

that Lucy's married to you -

Even worse!
Stealing from a charity.

Not from a charity - FOR a charity.

It's called Helpers For Hedgehogs.

What, do you think
I'm making that up as well?

Who knows? Somebody Google it.

We had a fundraiser last night.

A fundraiser, for hedgehogs?

Was it a garden party?

Some of the guests donated cash.

I've got £ here to bank.

So why did you just deny
that there was cash in your bag?

In case somebody tried to steal it.

And why should we believe that?

Because somebody did try
to steal it.

You!

I'm not the thief! He's the thief.

I am not the thief.

Oh. There's a photograph
on this website that proves it.

Oh, not about bats' penises.

Oh, that's incredible.

The charity is real, too.

There's even a photo of Martin
on the About Us section.

Well, anyone can make
a fake website.

You shouldn't believe everything
you read online.

Toby's LinkedIn profile says
he's got good interpersonal skills

and a great sense of humour.

You should see what it says
on my Tinder.

Yes, please.

Oh, please don't. I'm sorry.

I promise no-one in here
is trying to steal from you.

Stay. There's a thief on the train,

You're much safer in here.

But am

We'll help you keep an eye on Lee.

Not eye, not eye! Um...

A lookout! Oh...

A sniff-out.

I can stow your bag in the guard
secure room if you like, sir.

We keep it locked.

No, it's OK.

But thank you for the offer.

Well, I'm just at the end
of the carriage.

If anyone bothers you.

I can only apologise, Martin.

In fact, I'd like to make
a donation to your charity.

Oh, Lucy, I could never ask you
to do that.

Not on your birthday.

Actually, I haven't got
any cash on me anyway.

That's OK. I take card.

Just £ can help keep
ten hedgehogs safe.

OK!

CARD READER CHIMES

That's actually a joint account.

We are supposed to consult
about things like that.

I'm sure Lucy is capable of making
her own financial decisions.

We'd like to contribute as well,
please.

Well, hang on a minute.

£ , please.

We already donate £ a month
to English Heritage!

I'm not a communist.

Well, that's very generous of you.
The hedgehogs thank you.

£ , please.

CARD READER CHIMES

See? Anna didn't complain.

Oh, Toby and I manage our finances
separately.

What he does with his allowance is
up to him,

So does that mean you would like
to donate separately?

Oh! Er...

Yes, of course.

WENDY: The train has entered
a tunnel. It is dark.

JEFFREY:

WENDY: I was telling Martin.

MARTIN:

WENDY: The train has cleared
the tunnel.

It is light again.

That's strange.

My purse. It's not here.

Oh, that's a good idea, Toby,

I'll look properly.
I knew you had a purpose.

It's not here.

It must have been taken.

I see.

I thought you did.

Blame the blind guy.

Just because
we went into a dark tunnel

and I'm the only one
with the experience

to operate in total darkness...
I'll stop talking now.

NOW do you all believe me?

Well, I don't know
what's happened exactly.

Well, I do.

You've robbed her blind,
you thieving bastard!

Lee. Think of the language
you're using.

He means
you've robbed her blatantly,

you thieving...

.bastard.

Open your bag.

Yeah, well, that was before
you took Anna's purse.

No, you're not.

Hey, get off it!

Let go of that bag!

Get off it now,
or I'll punch your lights out!

I'll punch YOUR lights out!

They're already out, you dickhead!

I'll punch them back on again!

BOTH SHOUT

Happy birthday, Lucy.

Don't worry.
I always knew if Lee was with us,

it would probably end with him
fighting a blind man.

Guard, seize him!

You've always wanted to say that,
haven't you?

We think this man
may have stolen a purse.

Why do you think that?

Well, search me! In fact, no.

Search him. I bet you he took it

Anna s looking suspiciously at Lee.

Is she?!

Fine. Me first, then.

Oh! What have we got here, then?

Don't tell me. A purse.

It's a spoon.

I said don't tell me - that was
going to be my second guess.

That must have fallen in my bag
earlier when I was...

.Nicking it.

Don't listen to him.

Doesn't mean I've taken a purse
just because I've taken a spoon,

Yes. He's just stirring things.

It's not this purse, is it?

Yes...

Ha!

It was found in the toilets earlier.

I'm afraid whoever took it
removed any cash and credit cards.

When did you last remember
having it?

Well, now you mention it,

it was at lunch in the dining car.

Anna has an expression like

she realises she has been foolish.

But he could have stolen it
in the dining car at lunchtime.

Oh, come on. Then, why weren't the
cards in my bag when you emptied it?

Where are you going?

Not with this bag of cash.

Not in case old Sticky Fingers here
tries to get his hands on it again,

I'm not the one with sticky fingers.

That at least is true.
I had to witness him at lunchtime,

licking and sucking them clean.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask
you all to stay in this compartment

just for a few minutes
while I get to the bottom of this.

I'll check the CCTV.

We'll soon find out who took
your purse in the dining car.

And then we'll have our culprit.

Suits me.

I've got nothing to hide.

But I think I will take you up
on that offer

to lock this up.

Are you having a nice day, Lucy?

Everybody stares at Wendy
in disbelief.

Yeah, figured that one out myself.

TRAIN COMES TO A HALT

Look, perhaps you two should
shake hands and make up.

It's my birthday.

Shake, Lee.

SHAKE Lee.

See, Martin?

All this time you didn't realise
he was Arabic.

You hear that silence, Toby?

You did that.

I will shake his hand after the
guard has checked that CCTV footage.

Suits me.

The guard enters. A man.

The guard enters a man?!

Afternoon, folks.

Just to let you know, we've had
some reports of a few things

going missing on the train.

So do keep an eye
on your belongings.

Thank you.
The other guard's already told us.

The woman.

What woman?

The we man who took my bag
and locked it in the secure room?

There IS no secure room.

And there's no female guards
on this train.

Anyway, I've got to go.

Someone's nicked my hat.

Oh, my God!

The woman they thought was the guard
is standing beside a car.

She turns
towards the confused people

looking out of the train window,

a smile playing over her lips.

She waves the bag,
mocking them and blows a kiss.

She gets into the car
and drives away.

LEE AND MARTIN:

All of that charity money gone,
and it's all his fault!

Credit card.

CARD READER CHIMES

That should just about cover it.

I bloody hate hedgehogs!

I could have sworn blind
she was a real guard.

Bit offensive, mate.

Well, I'd like to say it's been

a pleasure, but I'd be lying.

TRAIN HOOTS

I hope you've learned something
from all this, Lee.

Of course I have.

Hedgehogs are vulnerable,
and bats have got large penises.

Oh, dear.

There goes poor Martin,

This must be his stop.

I feel awful
He hasn't got his bag or anything.

Wait a minute.

The fake guard's back.

She's giving Martin his bag back.

I don't believe it!

I know. Isn't that lovely?!

Even criminals know
when they've gone too far.

Returning the blind man's bag

and giving him a lift, that's nice.

Oh!

♪ We're not going out,
not staying in

♪ Just hanging around
with my head in a spin

♪ But there is no need to scream
and shout

♪ We're not going out

♪ We are not going out. ♪