# No estoy enfermo,
pero no estoy bien...#
# ... y estoy tan caliente...#
# ...porque estoy en el infierno. #
Chipsticks o Frazzles.
Chipsticks o Frazzles.
?Chipsticks o Frazzles?
?Continuo?
?Dios! Parece el pabell?n de
tortura de la prisi?n Stasi.
"La cabeza fetal pasa por
debajo del arco p?bico."
"En ese momento la mujer puede
sentir quemaz?n o ardor."
La frase "No jodas, Sherlock"
se me viene a la cabeza.
?Cu?nto m?s quieres?
?Qu? es una episiotom?a?
No quieres saberlo, amigo.
?Por qu??
Bien, tu sabes, entre tu trasero
y tus genitales. ?Esa parte?
Es una de mis partes favoritas.
Si, bien, imagina a alguien
cort?ndola con una tijeras.
?Oh, mi maldita vida!
Si. Eso, o se desgarra
como papel mojado.
La mam? de Sophie.
Hola.
Me alegro tanto de no ser una mujer.
Lo peor que puede pasarme a m?...
...es que me env?en a una guerra.
A?n as? puedo buscar una cueva...
...y comer moras y arroparme
hasta que todo termine.
Est?n en Northumberland.
Est?n en camino, pero
tardar?n cinco o seis horas.
Mierda. No puedo ser
el compa?ero de parto.
Momento. Ya veo donde va esto.
?Yo no soy ning?n compa?ero de parto!
Amigo, ser?s un gran
compa?ero de parto.
La verdad es, y desear?a que no
fuera verdad, pero soy un...
...pedof?bico, para ser honesto.
Oh, bien...
?Oh, mi vida!
Digo... Supongo que
siempre me pregunt? si...
Siempre me he sentido muy
raro cerca de los ni?os. ?Sabes?
Bien. S?.
?Lo apoyo o lo
noqueo de un golpe?
?Conseguir?s ayuda para...?
No s?. ?Qu? clase de
ayuda puedes recibir...
...para el miedo irracional
por los ni?os?
Pedofobia. ?Oh, bien!
?A qu? pensaste
que me refer?a?
?Oh, dios m?o, Jeremy!
Es que "pedo", "f?bico"...
Digo, las dos son malas.
Cre? que decias que eras
un "mega-ped?filo".
Cre?ste que dec?a que era
un "mega-ped?filo".
Y tu reacci?n fu?
"Siempre me pregunt?..."
I was grappling, I was grasping.
Mark Corrigan?
I'm just going back in.
I was only looking at the crisps
and I got distracted. I've been
three minutes max, honestly.
You are allowed out.
'You're nice. I wish I was
having a baby with you.'
We'll see Sophie shortly
and if things haven't progressed,
we can always give her
a cervical sweep, OK?
Hmm. The cervical sweep.
Chim chim cheree.
So listen, I've spoken to your mum
and she's on her way.
Oh, thank God.
But hold your horses just one sec,
because they are on their way
from Northumberland,
so until she gets here,
I am very much your man.
f*cking hell.
Argh!
Oh...
Ah!
'What do I say? Can't sit back
and watch, eating popcorn.
'Can't alleviate.'
Ow! Poor Soph. Does it hurt?
Yes, it f*cking hurts!
Yes, it f*cking hurts!
PHONE RINGS
Might be your mum.
Hello?
Oh, what? The boiler?
You're kidding! But it's just...
No, sorry, thank you.
I'll get it sorted.
Wasn't your mum, it was just...
Mmm...
Mmm...
A tiny thing.
My boiler, it's nothing.
It's cool, it's nothing.
Minor expl*si*n.
Forget it, I'm focused, OK. Baby.
Apparently there's water
leaking downstairs. So irrelevant.
Can you fetch the TENS machine,
Mark, it's really starting to...
Right, the TENS machine.
'While my flat fills with water,
'what you need is an almost
imperceptibly low dose
'of battery-powered pain relief(!)'
Can you try and relax, Mark?
Sure. Understood.
I won't get anxious.
Oh, it's rubbish.
'Placid lake of water.
'Placid lake of water filling up my
flat from the gushing broken boiler.'
Has the nurse said anything
about the pool yet?
Has the nurse said anything
about the pool yet?
Oh, what, water birth?
Isn't it a bit...zany?
I'll be much happier in the pool!
OK, then I'm on it,
Soph, I'm on it for you.
And remember to ask for one of
those nets for poo and bits, Mark.
Will do.
'God, how did he get so old?
'I'll never let myself get so old.
'I mean, you have to get old up to
a point, but that's ridiculous.
'Still nothing from Elena.
'I'll never fool anyone as beautiful
as Elena into loving me again.
'Maybe I should k*ll myself.
'Hmm, Gary Neville's
conservatory is nice.
'Hello.
'Put that su1c1de bid on hold.
'OK, a book. Egghead alert.'
So, The Famished Road.
Is that a sequel?
I'm sorry?
I'm sorry?
To the one that was a film about
the end of the world? The Road?
Cos they were hungry enough in that.
Good one.
'Didn't even know it was a one.'
'Didn't even know it was a one.'
I'm Zara.
'Didn't even know it was a one.'
I'm Zara.
Jeremy.So, what are you in for?
You don't have to tell me
if it's disgusting.
My boyfriend's in intensive care.
'Boyfriend.' Oh.
Yeah. He's in a bad way...
unconscious. They don't know
when he's going to come round.
That's terrible.
'Terri-brill!'
'OK, birthing pool, don't believe
in it but I have to sell it.
'I'm Clare Short backing Iraq,
Trinny and Susannah
endorsing Nescafe.'
Hi, hello. I wondered what happened
to the nurse from before?
Which nurse?
The one who was... 'Nice'. ..here.
The one who was... 'Nice'. ..here.
Yana's finished her shift.
The one who was... 'Nice'. ..here.
Yana's finished her shift.
Ah, oh, OK.
Well, we, er, discussed the
possibility earlier of using a pool.
Well, I don't have a note of that.
'Great. Yana's a flake.
'The lovely nurse who doesn't write
anything down.
'She probably only works here
to get 'ludes.'
And both birthing pools
are either occupied or...
Look, I need a pool, OK?
We want a natural birth. God knows
some people aren't convinced
of the benefits of a water birth,
but I for one am not one of them,
so please could you sort that out?
I'll see what I can do.
Very well.
Good day.
'Good day? God, I'm so stern.
'Maybe I'll end up
marrying her instead
'and we'll have brisk, clinical sex.
How's it going, dude?
I estimate we're looking
at a five centimetre cervix,
plus the boiler's exploded.
'Hey, that's Zara's!'
Who was that good plumber?
Sophie's nice guy?
You're stressing.
How about I sort it?
Really?
Really?
Really.
Really?
Really.
Thanks, man.
'He's so lucky I'm the kind of guy
who'd never spike a coffee
with Rohypnol.
'Too many practical risks even
before moral considerations.'
OK, pretty tough but I managed it. I
said, "Listen, you do things our way.
"My birth partner has requested this
and I don't care if I have to take it
to the very top of the GMC, got it?"
Mark, I can't do this.
OK.
Is that better? Or is that better?
I don't care!
I don't care!
Or is that better?
Oh! I want it to stop.
It's all too much!
Soph, it's OK, we'll get you
in the pool, I'm gonna sort it.
I don't want a pool,
I need pain relief, Mark!
Oh, you don't want the pool?
No, I want an epidural
or someone to smack me on the head
or just... f*ck!
It's just I did ask very firmly
for the pool.
If I go back now, I'll look...
If I go back now, I'll look...
You'll look what?
It's just it'll weaken
my negotiating position.
Mmm.
No, Soph, yep, I'm on it.
Just a tiny query...
Can you remember,
not at your last place,
but the place before,
the name of that nice plumber?
Was it Tom or Tim?
No biggy, but if it
jumps into your head,
can you just pop the number
down there, would you?
ARGH!
'Wow, private room.
This guy's lucked out.'
Hi, Ben. I'm back.
Hi, Ben.
I thought this might inspire him,
you know, to write a novel,
now he's unconscious.
Mm-hm, right.
You know, it's funny, just looking
at him, I could tell we'd get on.
He looks like a laugh,
a right laugh.
I sort of want to shake his hand.
Would that be all right?
Oh, go ahead.
Ah, Ben, sleepy Ben.
'I want to steal your girlfriend,
I think I love your girlfriend.'
'I want to steal your girlfriend,
I think I love your girlfriend.'
Sleepy Ben.
That's nice.
'I definitely don't hope
he dies, definitely not.
'That would be horrible,
'but he does look like he could do
with a nice long relaxing coma.'
Oh, it's you again.
Yes.
OK, after a lot of hassle,
I've actually managed
to swap things around,
and it looks like the birthing
pool will be available, so...
Yes, well as it happens,
things have changed and my partner
no longer requires the pool.
No, we want the what's it called,
the dr*gs pipe, the heroin pump,
the cr*ck tube, whatever you've got.
I want to stop her suffering.
I want to stop her suffering.
Wish I'd known this earlier.
'Hmm, you might be ripe
for a trim, in the cuts.'
So before the accident, how long
had you two been...hanging out?
Three months.
OK. And how was it going?
Were you two very...
Oh, he's very committed to his work
and he did the Iron Man
triathlon...twice.
Wow. So out of those three months,
you can knock off at least
two weeks for training.
He loves his dance music
and dr*gs and video games.
God, really?
- Whereas I love to read...
- Oh, me too.
I love to read... I adore
to read. It's amazing, isn't it?
Because a book, I always say,
can be about anything.
That's so true.
Yeah, I often read to Ben,
but he's more of a magazine...
FHM...kind of guy.
Right, yeah.
PHONE RINGS
Oh, sh*t, I'd better get this.
Would you like to...
Oh, sure.
"This month's hot tip..."
Hello?
"The premier Wrangler collection.
"When has good denim
ever been cheap?
"The answer is never."
Look, dude, bit of a weird one,
but if you aren't
gonna make it through,
I mean if you can't, then don't
worry, because Zara's great,
and I'll be waiting, if you
check out, in a friendly way...
not like a vulture...
to check in.
And don't worry, I'm not gonna
start waggling on any of your tubes,
and if you have a problem with
anything I've just said then,
do give me a sign.
No? OK.
"I'm in a swimming pool and my
bikini pops off. I'm not bothered,
"I'll just carry on",
and that's a comment from Kayleigh.
You can see a picture of Kayleigh
there, and her nice bum.
Jez?
Oh, hi, Mark.What are you doing?
I'm reading FHM
to this unconscious guy.
But why?
But why?
Because I have a heart.
Yeah?
Work's crazy. Thanks so much.
Oh, OK.
What?
Nothing.
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
No, go on, what?
No, it's fine.
No, it's fine.
What are you saying?Nothing.
Look, there's no need to be
all cynical, just because...
Look, there's no need to be
all cynical, just because...
Jeremy, it's fine.
I'm actually quite glad
it's all a filthy duplicitous ploy.
I was worried you had
a personality change.
Oh, just because I'm doing
something decent,
there has to be
some weird thing going on?
Yes... Normally, yes.
Thanks, Jez.
I should be getting back to Sophie.
Jez, would you consider
coming with me?
I don't think I'm coping
all that well.
Yeah, cool, man.
You don't mind?
You don't mind?
No. Kind of always
wanted to see a birth.
Be kind of like Alien but sexy.
Sexy Alien.
Hey, Soph, it's me, and Jez!
When's the anaesthetist
coming, Mark? I need something.
OK, look, I went crazy at them,
I totally lost it, actually,
but the thing is that the
anaesthetist has this C-section now,
and then there's another procedure
that he's booked in to...
What?
Tell them to pull
their fingers out, Mark.
Look, the anaesthetist
can't be in two places at once!
I mean, I wish he could,
but he can't.
'How didIbecome
the hospital spin doctor?'
I want an epidural!
Hello! Hello, Sophie, how we doing?
Hi, boys.
OK, darling, baby's doing fine.
I just wanna see how you're doing,
see how dilated you are, OK?
'Hmm, stuck on the medical channel
and there's no remote control.'
Maybe some...music?
Yes. Yeah, maybe some music.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
PANPIPE MUSIC
'What a bastard. That's gonna
drive us all totally bonkers.'
Yeah, you're doing great,
you're fully dilated.
Your baby's coming.
There's no time for an epidural.
She put her whole hand in.
Blimey.
Blimey.
I didn't think she'd
put her whole hand in!
No, God.
Look, maybe I should go.
'Of course. Brings
the insufferable music, then goes.
'He's like the 1980s.'
Hello? Hans?!
Oh, OK, I'll be right down.
That was Super Hans. He's here,
he wants money to fix the boiler.
Yeah, I called him earlier.
Boiler's sorted.
Yeah, I called him earlier.
Boiler's sorted.
You called Super Hans about the
boiler? Super Hans is our plumber?
No, not Hans, his mate.
His mate's a plumber.
Oh, great(!) I wonder if he appears
on the CORGI Gas Safe Register?
Or just the Sex Offenders'?!
'That's right,
pay Hans to do the plumbing,
'swap the cow for some magic beans.'
Half a monkey, as requested.
'Why am I dealing in animals?'
'No animal-based transaction
has ever gone well.'
It's for parts and that.
'I'll probably end up with half
a Ford Escort and some p*rn tapes
'and we'll call it all square.'
Is he...the plumber?
Relax, Mark. We can definitely
do plumbing, it's not an issue.
Trojan's very capable
after his sleep.
Plumbing's just f*cking Lego, innit?
Water Lego. So, how's it all
going with Soph and the baby?
You know, for a while
it's been pretty boring
but I think we're getting
to the utterly terrifying bit.
Take my advice,
stay away from the goal end, mate.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah. You don't wanna
get thinking about that.
It's like the Channel Tunnel -
lovely, it's all
about your holidays,
but imagine you saw a f*cking
huge baby come out of it.
Never be the same again.
Right.
Right.
One other tip... Trip.
What?
What?
Trip your f*cking nuts off,
makes it amazing.
Isn't it pretty amazing anyway?
Isn't it pretty amazing anyway?
Dunno. Yeah, maybe,
but if you'retrippingand you're
having a baby, it's like "f*ck!",
you know? You see a little guy
come out of there,
what's gonna happen next?
Frogs out of her arsehole?
Milk out of her ears?
Anything's possible.
Oi.
What?
Let's drive.
'If those two fix my boiler,
'I think it will be more surprising
than if Sophie gave birth
'to a working replica
of Stephenson's Rocket.'
Hi, Soph, back now.
Can I do anything?
SOPHIE MOANS
SOPHIE MOANS
You're doing great,
Sophie, you're doing good.
'Oh, God, the screaming. Poor Sophie.
I definitely couldn't give birth.
'I want to call Dignitas
when I get lumber pain.'
Now, don't push
if you don't need to.
Take a rest, Sophie, hmm?
You're doing well.
'I can't just keep standing to
attention like Captain Mark Phillips.
'Could march around the room
like Nelson on his quarterdeck.
'I'm just a spare part!'
Why don't you stop walking round
like that and come over here?
Why don't you stop walking round
like that and come over here?
'And the fun part is,
everything I do is basically wrong.
'If I can just get hold of a hand,
that might feel useful.'
Oh, it's now, Mark, it's now!
Right, right, yes, I'm sure, but
just don't use all your energy,
cos you did say that eight hours ago,
and it wasn't "now", and I don't
wanna be a doubting Thomas, but...
Aargh!
Bastard, bastard, fat bastard!
'Is that for me
or just general bastarding?'
Oh, f*ck off, f*ck off!
'If she keeps saying "f*ck off",
I might f*ck off.
'That's gotta be within your rights,
'to f*ck off if someone repeatedly
screams at you to f*ck off.'
Can I...
I just need to nip
to the little boys' room.
'Yeah, the little boys' room.
'For little boys.'
There we go.
One for you and one for Ben.
Thanks, Jez.
I'll have Ben's for him, shall I?
Here's to you, Ben.
I guess, I mean,
the thing I think is,
if he doesn't make it, God forbid,
at least he lived to the max.
The Iron Man... We think we were
once in the same bar as Banksy.
Wow, yeah, I mean,
there's a time for everything,
isn't there, you know?
There's a time for golf,
a time for stew...
Mmm. Yeah.
'Come on, Guru Jez!'
I mean, it's the whole
circle of life, isn't it?
I mean, if you believe in
reincarnation, imagine if hewent
at the exact same moment that
my friend's baby was born.
Ben's spirit, his essence,
might live on,
Bluetoothed into the baby.
Yeah, I suppose I could
accept that, in a way.
It's just him dangling, you know?
We need to get you some answers.
Is he going to pull through?
You need to know.
'Ineed to know.
'Right now, I'm a supporting
character in a weepy,
'when I want to be
the leading man in a p*rn!'
'Yeah, OK, off to the toilet,
have a wee and then back in.
'I could walk quicker, but it's
interesting to note that I'm not.
'I'm walking at what I would
describe in court as a normal pace,
'but which I think is actually
slightly slower than normal.
'There's the toilet.
Hmm, why didn't I go in?
'Here I go into here.
OK, this is interesting.
'Where am I going now?'
'I think this is OK,
'this is something somebody
might do in my situation.
'My wife was going into labour, and I
decided to leave her ever so briefly,
'to grab something to eat
to fortify me for the events ahead.
'"Oh, that sounds wise, that you
got a chicken bucket early on".
'"Yes, I know."'
Chicken bucket, please.
Chicken bucket, please.
Take a few minutes, OK?
Yes, I can wait.
'Eating from a bucket
like a human horse,
'I feel refreshed and replenished
and now back to the hospital.
'No need to run, and still got some
beans and a sweetcorn for Sophie.
'Probably just what she fancies.
'Hmm, is this the worst thing
I've ever done? It might be.
'You can't hide behind that
pillar, I'm a sharpsh**ter.
'I bet she's OK, all the staff...
'I'm better off here, I'm safe here,
'with the gangsters in the k*lling
zone, the abandoned subway station,
'my safe place, my good place.'
Looks like you're in
trouble there, mate.
Looks like you're in
trouble there, mate.
'Oddball alert.
Do not respond, do not engage.
'Oh, God, he's broken
through my icy force field.
'Maybe he's having a baby.
'Maybe everyone in here
is having babies.'
This is difficult, but if he does
make it through, will he still be...
operating from
below the waistal area?
You mean...
You mean...
Will he still be able to...
communicate...with his...
communication rod,
or will he no longer be able to...
lift the drawbridge, so to speak?
I'm thinking about Zara's needs.
Look, I can't speculate on that,
but I'll be frank with you.
We really need to see some movement
in the next 24 hours from Ben
if a full recovery
is going to be on the cards.
Thank you, doctor.
'I'm 24 hours from Tulsa.'
Thanks, Jez.
'Finally, I'm in pole position.
Ben checks out, I check in.
'I mean, I definitely,
definitely hope he doesn't,
'but if he does, then...'
Uh!
What, Jeremy?
What, Jeremy?
N-nothing.
'Don't tell her,
don't raise her hopes.
'Could have been anything -
phantom toe syndrome,
'methane build-up,
disturbance in the force...
'Oh, bollocks.'
Zara, I think Ben's trying to
tell you something with his foot.
Oh, my God, look! He's gonna be fine.
Everything's gonna be fine, Jez!
That's brilliant, Zara!
'f*cking great. The mummy returns.
'Finally find
the woman of my dreams,
'and her boyfriend reanimates.'
f*ck you! f*ck you!
f*ck you!
Nice.
Jez.
Jez.
Who's the jerk?
Easy, buddy. I went to see Soph.
Why are you not in there?
Yeah, well...
Sophie wanted me to grab five
and play some Lethal Enforcers.
Really?
Really?
Yeah, she was all, "Grab five,
Mark, you deserve it, I'll be fine".
She didn't mention that.
The midwife didn't mention that.
Yeah, I know,
that's because I'm lying.
Look, Mark, I get it.
If this was happening to me,
I'd be doing what you're doing
100 times over,
but you don't want
to look back on today
thinking when your baby was being
born, you were taking out a ninja.
Yakuza!
You need to get back in there.
'He's right. Thank God I didn't do
bottle-of-whiskey-and-random-EasyJet.
'I can still pull this round.'
(HOWLS)
Hi. Oh, you're not...
'That could so easily have been me -
a useless gnome, fishing for turds.'
Sorry, this should be my birth.
Where's...?
Sorry, this should be my birth.
Where's...?
Sophie Chapman is in theatre three.
Theatre?
'Theatre! Nothing good has ever
happened in a theatre. Oh, f*ck!'
Sophie, are you OK?
Yeah, I am.
I'm so sorry I went. I just...
I don't know what to say.
Did you go? I've been pretty out
of it. How long were you gone for?
Oh, how long?
Oh, ages, like...
three or four minutes.
'This is amazing.
I could have finished the level,
'had an Angry Whopper
and upgraded my phone tariff.'
Everything slowed down
and we wanted to get the baby out,
so we decided to come
for a Caesarean section.
so we decided to come
for a Caesarean section.
That's brilliant.
I love the salad, now try the birth.
The... Caesar,
Caesarean salad? Sorry, I'm gabbling.
I'm just happy it's all OK.
How's it looking down there?
Oh...
Oh...
You might not necessarily want to.
'Holy f*ck! Living innards.
'I thought now it'd all be hi-tech,
chip and pin, not London Dungeon!'
Is it OK?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah?
All...good, all great.
'The screen's there for a reason.
'There's a reason
they put Guantanamo on Cuba.'
Now you might feel a bit
of a tug, baby's coming out.
OK. Oh, it's like someone's
doing the washing up.
Yeah, I can feel that.
Yeah, I can feel that.
'Yeah, I imagine so,
'because a human being is being
heaved out of your body.
'Oh, my goodness!
Do you want to cut the cord?
Do you want to cut the cord?
'No! Do you want
to do some credit rating
'or work in a Mexican restaurant?
Let's stick to our jobs!'
Do people normally...
Do people normally...
Yep.
Go on, Mark.
Oh, OK.
'Great. Bet I do it wrong and they
laugh. Humiliated in front of my son
'within ten seconds of his birth.'
Wow. It's sinewy.
'God! I can't get any purchase.
'Thought it would be like Sarah
Ferguson cutting a ribbon,
'but it's much more meaty, like
sawing a dog's leg in half.
'Oh, my God. There he is.
I've got a baby.
'Maybe I might be...
a good person from now on.
'That might be a good idea.
Yeah, lead a wholesome life
'and be a decent citizen
and make the whole world OK,
'and, yeah, this is a biggy,
this is definitely a biggy!
'Maybe my son
can sort climate change.
'He might figure out cold fusion!
'Not as one of the main guys,
that's unrealistic,
'but in an administrative capacity.'
Oh, my God.
You're a dad.
I know.
I know.
Wow.
Listen, this probably doesn't
matter right now, but Hans called.
Oh?
Oh?
It's all sorted.
New boiler's up and running
and there's minimal water damage.
He sent a photo.
Minimal water damage?
Minimal water damage.
Here you go, here's your son.
'Oh, my God.'
My son.
Minimal water damage?
07x01 - St. Hospitals
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Follows the lives of Mark Corrigan and Jeremy "Jez" Usbourne, two very different, dysfunctional best friends who share a flat in Croydon, South London.
Follows the lives of Mark Corrigan and Jeremy "Jez" Usbourne, two very different, dysfunctional best friends who share a flat in Croydon, South London.