03x12 - John Leguizamo/Mona Lisa

[bunniefuu]

Hello, everyone. It's me, kevin.

I'm on the loudspeaker again. Ha ha.

What a pinhead!

I'm not a pinhead.

I want each of you to be ready in minutes.

Minutes. Over and out!

O.k., O.k. I have to go check my hair and makeup,

So I'll see you guys out there.

I better get in the super dude.

Josh, help me with my tights, man.

Yo, you guys, this door's stuck!

This door's stuck, too!

Lemme try!

This door isn't stuck.

It's locked-- from the outside!

All right. Nobody panic, all right?

O.k.

[Sighs]

Aah!

Help!

Help!

Oh, we're running out of air!

[Gasping]

We're not running out of air.

But we do have to do the show. We only got--

Minutes till the show begins!

All cast to stage!

We got to think of something--fast!

We got millions of people to entertain.

Try that door!

Help! Help us!

Guys, guys, listen!

I know what to do!

We can break through the door by using a battering ram!

A battering ram? What's that?

A battering ram.

A battering ram is a strong pole or heavy beam

Used to smash through or break down

A closed or locked entryway.

That's all well and good, but we don't have a battering ram.

Oh, yes, you do!

What?

Use me!

Are kidding?!

We can't use you!

Guys, don't worry.

I have an unusually thick head.

Now, pick me up and ram me through that door.

Where is everybody? You're supposed to be on stage!

The show is starting in minute!

Well?

Kenan, let's do it.

Oh...

Now, ram me into that door!

Uh, josh, I don't know about this.

Do it! Ram!

[Moaning] oh...

Put some muscle behind it!

All right, it worked!

Let's go start the show!

Wait, wait!

What?!

Let's do the other door.

You're addicted to ramming the door...

You gotta go too far every time, amanda.

Fresh out the box.

Stop, look, and watch.

Ready yet? Get set.

It'sall that.

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪

♪ Check it, check it

♪ Now, this is just an introduction ♪

♪ Before we blow your mind ♪

♪ The show is all of that ♪

♪ And yes, we do it all the time ♪

♪ So sit your booty on the floor ♪

♪ Or in a chair

♪ On the ground or in the air ♪

♪ Just don't go nowhere

♪ 'Cause everything we do

♪ Is all of that

♪ We're entertaining you

♪ We're all of that

♪ My posse and my crew

♪ Is all of that

♪ So sit still

♪ 'Cause we're comin' right back ♪

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪

♪ Check it out

♪ Oh

♪ Uh-oh

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪♪

Captain's log...

Put this on the fire, would ya?

Aye, captain.

Captain, instruments show a humanoid life form

Directly blocking our path!

[Scottish accent] what kind of person floats around

In outer space?

Singo, put the image on the screen.

♪ Well, all right! ♪

♪ Gonna put that image on the screen ♪

♪ Gonna put that image on the screen ♪

Singo! ♪ Put it--

Just put the image on the screen!

♪ Yes, captain ♪

Image on screen, captain.

W-what is that?

It looks like a hitch to the hiker!

♪ A hitch hiker ♪♪

Hitchhiker?

Captain, we'd better beam him on board ship.

No, we can't!

My mommy says you should never

Beam aboard strange hitchhikers in space.

But we can't just leave him there!

All right.

Lock onto the hitchhiker and energize!

♪ Energiii-zin'! ♪

Ah! Ha ha!

Hi, there. I'm minpath!

I sense a lot of love in this room. Yes.

I sense it all.

[Laughs]

Hey!

Wipe your feet!

[Imitating accent] hey, wipe your feet!

Easy, officer ulcer!

Easy, officer ulcer!

I'm captain tantrum.

I'm captain tantrum.

No. Iam captain tantrum.

No, iam captain tantrum!

Are you making fun of me?

Are you making fun of me?

Who can make fun of you when you're afraid of the dark?

[Imitating jerry lewis] whoa, whoa, dear, lady, whoa, dear lady!

Whoa, nice lady.

Well, nothing annoying about you!

Well, nothing annoying about--

[Mumbling]

Officer, what is with this alien?

He would appear to be a spongeoid, captain,

From the planet ab-sorb,

A mysterious race of people

Who are half mimic, half mind probe.

They have the ability to mimic those around them

While probing their minds for deep, dark secrets.

Sounds annoying!

[Cawing]

[Barking]

Fascinating, captain.

He's evolving before our very eyes!

♪ I've got a really bad feeling about this guy ♪

♪ He's a bad rama jama make the young girls cry ♪♪

[Boom]

Ooh!

What was that?!

What was that?!

[Gasp gasp] [gasp gasp]

♪ Captain, we've been hit! ♪

♪ Captain, we've been hit! ♪

♪ Captain-- ♪ captain, we've been hit! ♪

♪ Stop that! ♪ Stop that!

♪ No, you!

♪ No, you!

♪ Well! ♪ Well!

♪ You better stop that! ♪

♪ You better stop that! ♪♪

It's neck pinch time.

It's neck pinch time!

Ah!

Ah!

Ow!

Wait, he doesn't have the neck pinch power!

Status report!

Captain, we've been hit!

♪ Already sang that one ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Captain!

Warp thread is out!

Leather weapons are damaged, and...

Ooh!

The microwave is on the fritz!

Who hit us?

Looks like a balognian ship, sir.

Thumbtacks!

That's right, captain tantrum!

It is i...thumbtacks!

Now you will surrender, or else--

[Beep...beep]

Oh...hold on. I have screen waiting.

O.k., I'm back. Sorry about that.

Where was i?

♪ You were talkin' about blowing us up ♪

♪ Bang, bang, do that thang ♪♪

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Now I'm going to beam aboard your ship

To accept your surrender.

Here I come!

Captain, what are we gonna do?!

Wake up! Wake up, you alien!

Wake up, wake up, wake up, you alien!

Behold, I am thumbtacks,

Your conqueror!

Behold, I am thumbtacks, your conqueror!

Back off, future sl*ve!

Bow to your new leader!

Back off, future sl*ve!

Bow down to your leader!

Stop aggravating me!

Stop aggravating me!

I can't take this!

I can't take this!

Keep your stinkin' space ship!

Beam me back to my ship right now!

Oh, I'm schvitzing!

Take me back to my ship! I'm sp--sp--

What she said!

♪ Energiii-zing now! ♪

Bye-bye, thumbtacks.

I knew that irritating spongeoid

Would drive her away.

Oh...

Oh!

Oh!

♪ Oh, captain, that was brilliant! ♪

♪ Captain, that was brilliant! ♪♪

Singo, let's get out of here.

Heading , fourth gear!

And now, lori beth denberg

With more vital information for your everyday life.

If you're afraid your grandmother might get stolen,

Stick an alarm up her dress, and chain her to the fence!

Fee, fi, fo, fum

In swedish is

E-fee, e-fi, e-fo, e-fume!

What goes around comes around.

So if a large, vicious tiger goes around,

Cover your butt and run like a screaming sissy!

This has been lori beth denberg

With vital information.

♪ This is all that♪

♪ This is all that♪♪

Like, wow!

I can't wait till saturday night.

Like, the touch tones are like the coolest band,

Like, ever.

Like, I just like love 'em.

They're, like, nice guys.

Who cares? Like, they're good-looking. Duh!

[Squealing]

Ahem. Hello, girls.

Ladies?

Aaaah! Aaah!

Aaaaahhhhh!

Well, at least this time

They didn't b*at us with sticks.

♪ Now it's time for earboy ♪

♪ His ears are really big ♪

Why are we so unpopular?

Aaaah!

Oh, yeah.

Well, earboy, what are we going to do?

I don't know. I gotta think.

[Rip]give me a pepperoni.

Aaaagggghhh!

That-was-my-face--

Oh, stop crying, pizza face.

We gotta come up with a way to become popular.

Well, that band the touch tones

Seem to be very popular with the girls.

Yeah, but...

Aaack!wait!

That's a great idea, pizza face!

We'll form our own band.

Then the girls will have to like us

No matter how repulsive we are.

How are we going to form our own band?

Well, you can play a little drums,

And I can sing.

Now all we need is a bass player

And a guitar player.

Man, where are we going to get those?

Aaaack!i know!

I know a guy who's hideous like us,

But he's got enough money to do anything.

He'll help us form a band.

Come on!

Hoo-ha!

Yahoo!

Whoo-hoo!

Mr. Per...oh!

Aw, man.

Howdy, pizza face! Brassiere boy!

Earboy.

Look at me!

I'm in a bathtub full of money.

I'm a sawed-off freak

Taking it in a billion-dollar jacuzzi.

Mr. Perot, we just want to talk to you.

We have a problem.

Oh, all right.

What are you griping about this time,

My big-eared friend?

Me and pizza face here want to start our own band,

But we need to hire a guitar player and a bass player.

Well, look no further, deer boy.

Check me out!

Know I can strum some.

[Plays hard rock chords]

Wow! O.k.!

But we still need to hire a bass player.

No problemo.

I betcha this here fella can play bass.

I mean, just look at him!

Where'd you get thatguy?

Well, a few years ago,

I found him downtown lying in a gutter.

I brought him home,

And he's been in that trunk ever since!

You're the weirdest person I know.

Thank ya.

Now all we need to do

Is come up with a name for your music band.

Yeah, earboy, what are we gonna call our band?

How about...

The mutations!

Blah!

Hmm...insulting, yet catchy.

All righty, then.

The mutations it is!

Yeah.

Hee hee hee hee!

Great! Hee hee hee!

Ahem, ahem!

Boys and girls,

Delmont junior high school is embarrassed to present

The mutations!

A-a-ahem.

A-ahem.

Hey, where's mr. Perot?

O.k.

A-...

A-...

A-, , , !

♪♪♪

[Atonally] ♪ I'm so proud

♪ Of my new-- ♪

[Booing]

Earboy, what are we gonna do?!

I don't know!

Look, mr. Perot's here!

Outta my way, earboy!

A-, a-,

A-, , , !

♪♪♪

♪ I'm so proud of all my money ♪

♪ I'm so rich, it just ain't funny ♪

♪ I bought some bees and took their honey ♪

♪ And that's why I'm so proud! Whoo! ♪

♪ Rich, rich, rich

♪ Money, money, money

♪ Rich, rich, rich

♪ Money, money, money

Hit 'em, steve!

Whoo! Whoo!

...from my good friend earboy!

See, earboy? All it takes to be popular

Is a hit song and a pile of money!

Whoa!

He's right!

I got an ear!

Like, me, too!

♪ This is all that♪♪

Ian-typemusic plays]

Oh!

[Speaking m*nled french]

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh!

[Speaking french]

[Speaking french]

Here we are. You sit here,

And the doctor will be with you in a moment.

Thank you.

Oh, dr. Bines!

How you doing there, maggie?

I'm your dentist. Dentist bines. How you doing?

Hello.

We'll just put this bib on you

So you don't get your shirt all drooly.

Eew! What's all over your arms?!

Oh, this? I was just changing my car oil,

Then i, like, rolled around in the mud. Open up.

Eew! You're not putting your filthy,

Disgusting hands in my mouth!

Hey, who's the dentist here?

Yeah, but it's just not--

Here!

Right here!

What the--

Man, what's going on in the audience?

Uh! Aah!

Hey!

Sorry.

What are you doing?!

We're playing with this beach ball

Up in the audience.

Come on!

Sorry. I gotta go.

Hey, keep up the good work. It's pretty funny so far!

Thanks, but--

You guys! You gotta stop, please?

How come?

Because we're doing a tv show here.

You can't be playing around with a beach ball!

It's distracting.

Gee...sorry!

Yeah. Go on...

Act!

Thanks!

[Exhales]

All right, let's take it back

From no, you're not going to put

Your filthy, disgusting hands in my mouth, o.k.?

O.k. A-a-a-hem!

Eew, no! You're not going to put

Your filthy, disgusting hands in my mouth!

[Commotion]

Over here!

Now what?!

Will you guys quit that?!

What?!

Can you stop tossing a fish around

In the audience, please?!

We're trying to do comedy here.

Oh, and I suppose

Throwing a big fish in the audience disrupts your little scene!

Y...es, it certainly does.

Now, you, put the fish down.

Sit down, and no more tossing any more beach balls

Or large fish in the audience, o.k.?

You actors are so touchy!

Really! Go on with your little

Make believe!

We will!

Let's take it from the same spot, o.k.?

Right. Ahem.

All right. Ready?

I've been ready.

O.k.

Hello?

Eew, no! You're not gonna put

Your filthy, disgusting hands in my mouth!

Hey, who's the dentist here?

Yeah, well, you know, it's--

[Commotion] but i--

Oh, this is insane!

Guys, you can't toss our stage manager around either!

Put kevin down!

Please--

[Thud]

Kevin?

Kevin!

K-kevin, you all right?

Are you o.k.?

Are you kiddin'?

I love being tossed about like that.

Audience, here I come!

Yeah! [Excited shouts]

Hey, clavis! Wake up. Just wanting to p

The show's over.

Oh, yeah. Kick it!