03x11 - Unpregnant of My Cause

[bunniefuu]

Huh? Huh?

You want to get married here?

Yeah.

f*cking heartless prick! She loves
you. And you should think about
that — about who you love.

I don't love you, Draska. I
love Aurora, and I always will.

Stand up and look at me.

THWACK!

Sparky, listen.
If you're gonna stay here,

you need to go and have that shower,
and no painting on the walls,
please.

He's staying here?

DIMMER'S 'ONE BREATH AT A TIME'

♪ Swing the darkened door shut

♪ to the darkened sea.

♪ Honey like in sunbeams.

♪ Coming down in sun strokes.

♪ Swim the darkened ocean. ♪

MUSIC STOPS

EERIE MUSIC

♪ ...second-hand bag
and a transistor radio.

♪ I'm going where the world won't
find me. I'll sleep under the open
sky— ♪

(SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)

Home again, my beauties.

Oh, they are not sleeping with us.

g*n is good. Hunter bring
home meat for woman.

Oh, get over yourself, caveman.

Hi, love. Enjoying the sun?
Yip.

With a nutter like Sparky, you
don't wanna leave those lying about.

They'll be locked in the g*n safe.

It's Sparky.

He's not into g*ns. He's into
other hobbies — like arson.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

[ Do you want that?

I can't. I can't stop
thinking about Bruce.

Good old Imran.

If it's a diet,
you're leaving it late.

What if something goes
wrong before then?

Like he dies of bird flu?

How can you say something so awful?

Well, it's a better twist
than a plane crash.

LIGHTS FIZZ

Bloody Sparky. What's
he doing down there?

Why does he have to stay?

Because I said so.

Well, can't you unsay it?
He's creeping me out. ]

Oi, oi. Sorry about that. You'll
love the new fittings when they're
finished.

Were you, um, wanting
some food, Sparky?

Nah, nah. Got the mood on.
Gotta go with the mood...
(SNAPS FINGERS) when it's on.

But I do need something... warm.

Put a heater on.

And alive.

Take this and piss off!

I think he means a life model.

OK, you are way too close to
me with no underpants on!

This is my last work.
Then I will be gone.

Really? Why do you say that?

I'm almost spent, Cheryl.

Couldn't you go down there
just— just this once?

Hello? Am I not engaged?

You were a model-cum-actress.

Why don't you do it?

Yeah, while I myself
enjoy the fumes,

wouldn't be good for
one in her condition.

What condition?

Well, she is... with child.

No way.

Yeah, I smelt it as
soon as I saw her.

(SNIFFS DEEPLY)
Back off, buster!

Stronger with each passing week.

I can't smell anything.

You're totally mental.
I'm out of here.

QUIRKY MUSIC

She couldn't be. Could she?

Oh my God. We should
have seen it sooner.

Seen what?

There are way too many!

How do you know?

And you called yourself a detective.

In my experience, not many
crimes were solved by tampons.

We have three chicks here —
if you count Loretta as a chick,

which we will cos otherwise
she couldn't be knocked up.

OK. ]
We are all on the rag at the same
time, so we are hell to live with—

Well, you are.

When we get our periods, there are
fights over who used the last one,

and who didn't go buy any more,
and 'no way am I rolling my own'.

Oh, loo paper — you roll it up.
It's, like, really skanky.

But last week there were enough,
even though Mum's was, like, really
heavy.

I might, uh, leave this to you, eh?

I thought you were interested.

Oh, yeah, yeah — top
police work. Case closed.

Honestly, though, Sparky's nuts.

She's been wearing her fat jeans.

But all her jeans are the same.

Boobs — they are definitely bigger.

Really?

Mum, you're not just gonna
let this one go, are you?

sh*t, no. Come on.

When was your last period?

What?
You heard me.

I don't know. Who cares?

Oh my God. It is so true.

You'd actually listen to a naked
madman with bad hair and a fried
brain?

Sweetie, when was your last period?

Unlike you two, I don't
actually think about periods!

They're messy and boring and I'd be
happy if I never had another one.

But you have had one
lately, haven't you?

I can't remember.

I've been stressed, and I don't
wanna talk about this at work.

Well, don't talk — use...

this. It's a testing kit.

I know what it is. I don't need it.

I think you do-oo!

I think you should get a life,
and count the milliseconds until
Bruce gets back.

Look, I'm only doing
this cos I care.

Go!
OK. Come on, she can do it later.

MOODY GUITAR MUSIC

SINISTER MUSIC

JUDD: 'They'll be downstairs
locked away in the g*n safe.'

CHERYL: 'It's Sparky!'

'He's not into g*ns. He's into
other hobbies — like arson.'

g*n COCKS

g*nsh*t

EERIE MUSIC

SINISTER MUSIC

Hey! ]

What are you doing?!
Nothing.

You don't wanna touch that.
All those volts coursing through
ya, frying every synapse.

Happened to me more than once.

Uh-huh.
Not just for kicks.

(SNIFFS) Once... I went over.

Over—Over what?

The other place, you know.

What was that like?

(SNIFFS)

Would you stop that?
Can't.

Why not? You got
a cold or something?

Just smellin'. I smell a lot.

Yeah, well, a shower would fix that.

No, idiot!

My sense —

now it's sharpened.

Mm. So, the—the other place.

What about it?

Oh, well, what happens over there?

(SNIFFS) Maybe you could sit
down while we talk about it.

Maybe take your top off.
f*ck off.

Nothing weird.
Just be my life model.

I'm not a chick.
Well, you're alive aren't ya?

So?

Look, this work will be
a gift to your mother

for bringing me back.

I was going mad up there; crazy.

I thought I was...
turning into a tree. Yeah.

But I'm good now. I could tell
you all about it — the other side.

Well, you'd have to wear some
grunds, cos I don't wanna keep,
like, staring at your...

Problem there.

Yeah, well... What,
you like being nude?

b*rned my last pair.

I got heaps.

Y-fronts or boxers?

Oh my God. It's
the period inquisition.

Look, love—

All you have to do is pee on it.

You guys are like vampires,
like zombies of wee.

I care — is that so terrible?

Two minutes of your time, and then
we're out of your life forever.

Oh God, I wish that were true.

[ Have you done it yet?

I'm reading the instructions.

You don't read.
You just wazz on the stick.

I'm not getting it on my hand! ]

Well, use the cup, then!

Give her some space.

I can't believe she's
never done this before.

Oh, I'm sorry. This facility
is in use for medical purposes.

What?
We're waiting to see if
Loretta's knocked up.

Loretta? She's having a baby?

Go off the balcony, Ted.

[ She doesn't look pregnant.
[ She's probably not. Don't worry.

[ That's not what you said before.

Loretta. Pregnant?

Mm-hm. I've got five
bucks on so-damn-positive.

You all right in there, hon?

She's having it? In there?

[ No, Grandpa.

[ They have a test
you can do at home.

[ Oh. How does that work?

[ This is so exciting!

I haven't even had any time
to be nervous about Bruce.

TOILET FLUSHES

Positive.

It is so positive!

It's crap. It must be faulty,
or I didn't... do it right.

I'll do another one.

Love, there's no point.

I haven't been sick.
I'm not feeling weird.

Yeah, but you're never sick,

and you're always weird.

How are your boobs? Are they sore?

No!

Maybe.
You are so out of
touch with your body.

You touch yours a lot.
Doesn't make you smart.

I would think that a smart person
would have heard of contraception.

I used protection — always!

Always? Every single time?

I'm not a loser or
a ho or an idiot—

Do it now.

Are you sure?
Didn't I just say so?!

(GROANS)

Who did this to you?

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Hayden — it has to be. Unless you
got it on with someone else.

Hayden bloody Peters.

OK, I think we can wrap this up, eh?

I'll be nailing his balls
to the back of my Holden.

Ted, you don't have
a Holden or even a car.

You don't knock my granddaughter
up and get away with it!

Fine Ted, whatever. Listen, listen.

We'll go to the doctor's tomorrow,
and we'll sort it, all right?

Good girl.
OK.

Nigh-night.

↑ DOOR CLOSES

Oh, sh*t.

I know. It's terrible.

Really bad. But also kind of
cool, in a terrible kind of way.

(EXHALES)

Loretta? (WHISTLES)

Yeah, I know.

It isn't the end of the world.

♪ I feel the vibrations.

♪ My instincts are telling me

♪ don't look behind.

♪ Won't someone please

♪ pick me up

♪ and save me.

♪ Cos I'm feeling small,

♪ feeling tired and weak... ♪

(RADIO) MAN: You can
win $ . The Rock.

When Rita was pregnant with
your dad, she'd eat anything.

Figure like a whippet, but she was
always hungry. That's why she called
him Wolf!

Hey.

I thought maybe you
guys'd like some of these.

[ JUDD: Not my style, mate.

No, you guys. They were Aurora's.

Well, there's no point
in giving them to her.

Why not? She liked Aurora.

Won't fit her.

She's not fat. ]

She will be — blimporama.
Varicose veins, boobs like melons.

Are you sick?
So, where do I find Peters?

You don't, Grandpa.

I'll sort it. Don't you worry.
Leave it, Ted.

No grandchild of mine
is being a bastard.

Well, Van was; Jethro still is.
No, I'm not.

Your father married Slutty Pants.
He made an honest woman of her.

That was different.

How?

Loretta is just years old.

So were you.

Well, she might not
wanna to keep it.

You'd give it to the Sallies?

What's going to the Sallies?
I got some stuff.

Nothing.
It's her decision, her body. OK?

You'd let her use the knitting
needle on my own great-grandchild?

It's not up to you. It's up to her.

You'd stand by and let that happen.
How can you call yourself a mother
and k*ll your own grandchild?

Thank you. Thank you
very bloody much. (!)

Is Loretta pregnant?

sh*t, eh?

That about sums it up.

Wow.

Also a common response.

Didn't Hayden, like,... sheathe it?

Yes...

and 'mostly' are the answers here.

It was just the once.

But you're real smart.

Well, it turns out that clever
people can do stupid sh*t too,

and doesn't that just
make everyone's day?

Were you pissed?

No.

(SIGHS) I was distracted.

What, like, stoned?
No. I was upset.

What about?

Nothing.

What about?
No, nothing.

You can't be upset about nothing.

It was Aurora's wake, all right?

Sorry, Van. I was upset
and I wanted comfort.

I dunno.

It's OK.

Makes sense.

Really?

Yeah. Really.

Hey. Doctor's. Ready?

Yep.

Hey, thanks.

What for?

Oh, just being around.

SPARKY: It's pretty cool
up there, up in heaven. Like...

one endless party
with no noise control,

and the grog... never runs out.

And there's food?

Oh, 'course there is.
Whatever you want.

Oh, choice!

Yeah, she'd like that. She'd
be helping out. Yep, Aurora.

Oh, she'd be there for sure.

Good girl, that one.

Yeah.

CAR KEYS JANGLE

[ CAR ALARM CHIRPS

Four months?!

Four f*cking months?!

Yeah, I heard you the first time.

Jesus Christ Almighty.

I'm not sure. All that crap
about last menstrual periods.
It's confusing.

How did you manage to ignore
something like this for this
long? sh*t.

You must have noticed something.

I didn't, OK? My body's for...
doing stuff and going places.

You're not a bloody taxi.

I'm not like you, always thinking
about my hair and how big my bum is.

Well, now you've got a passenger!

It can get off. You heard
the doctor. I can get a late one.

No. No, no, no, no. You won't
do that. You will not do that.

Whose body is this?

This is a baby now. It's too late!

No, it's still a blob, and you
wanted me to get rid of it.

Not like this.

What happened to
'it's my life, my decision'?

Is it moving?
What?

When it moves, you know, you
feel it. Like a little tadpole.

Oh. Mum that's disgusting!

This is real now, Loretta. If you do
this, you'll regret it for the rest
of your life.

It's not up to you — you said so!

Yeah, I know I did.

Do you think I wanna
end up like you?

Running round after children and
wasting my life on people who
don't care about me?

Loretta, this isn't a joke.

I'm not laughing.

Loretta!

Loretta, get back in the car now!

I am not your f*cking prisoner.

MOODY GUITAR MUSIC

Hey.
You've got three overdues.

I just heard.

Is there no other front-page
news in this entire nation?

[ Pascalle texted me.

God, she's such a bitch.

So, what does Hayden say?

Who?

Come on.

I haven't told him because
I no longer speak to him.

And even if I did know where to find
him, even then there'd be no point,
because he hates me. sh*t.

Yeah, it is sh*t. But it's just what
happens when you have the crappy
misfortune to be born a girl.

Whatever you need,
I'm here for you OK?

What?

Oh, baby stuff, money, hospitals.
You know, whatever you need.

You'd do that for my baby?

Of course.

And where were you when
I needed a guarantor?

It was, 'Piss off, Loretta'. But now
you'll do anything for my itty-bitty
baby.

Well, you don't need to worry,
because there won't be any baby!

Loretta—
Don't you start.

You can't.
I'll tell them that I'm f*cked-up,
from an unstable family,

and who knows how crazy I'll
get if I have to have it.

Jesus Christ.

What? Has everyone turned
Catholic overnight?

Loretta—
Why don't you just go
back to your office,

back to your contracts and being a
cynical w*nk*r, and we'll get along
fine. Or you can pay your overdues.

She's off the f*cking planet.

You've gotta talk to her.

I tried.

It wouldn't k*ll her to have it.

It's easy for you to say. You'll
never have to sh*t that pumpkin.

So, you— You don't think
that it's... wrong?

Babies are hard work. You try having
three under and being sick as
a dog with your fourth on the way.

So, what, you thought about
getting rid of Loretta?

No, no. I was well broken by then.

Yeah, but you thought about it.

With you I did.

Oh, it was too soon —
for lots of reasons.

When Rita told me she'd k*ll me if I
trapped your father, it was game on.

Mum!
[ I'm no f*cking saint.
What mother is?

Pft!

Well, you can't let her do this.

Loretta never heard the word can't.

Oh, yeah.

I've been to the dark
more than once.

Played chicken with death,
stared into those inky black pupils.

I'd go, 'All right,
you fucker. Give it to me!'

How? By shouting?

Nah — cars, fire, the volts.

You weren't... scared?

Well, it must be pretty freaky

thinkin' that you're gonna die.

Well, you know, I wasn't trying.

It was accidents, mostly.
Yeah, and the dr*gs helped.

So dr*gs are good?

No, no. They're bad.
Like speed?

Well, I don't do that
sh*t no more, OK?

[ You know, you don't go messing
around with Death. He don't like
no day trippers.

And can you keep still? How can
I paint you if you keep movin'?

What do you think?

I was gonna go red, but
red is, like, so huss.

And then I was gonna go pink,
cos Bruce loves pink.

But then I ran out of pink,
so I had to go clear.

Oh, they look good.
Bruce'll love them.

Thanks.

You were real cool what you
said to me about Draska.

Was that a "she's a slutty ho" time
or a "she's my best friend" time?

You said that I had to
remember who I loved.

Well, that's true.

Mm.

I reckon, you and Bruce, I
reckon you're made for each other.
You guys are gonna be really happy.

Aw!

Are you a bit ripped?

Wee bit.

If you weren't my brother,
I would make you my bridesmaid.

f*ck off. I'd have
to wear a dress, man.

Well, you could be an usher.

What do they do?

Well, they 'ush' — down the aisles.
'Ush'.

Mm-hm. It's real easy.
You'll be good at it.

OK. Mm.

But she's a lesbian!
Really?

Oh my God! That must have
been her plan all along.

How's that work?

Lesbos — they sleep with
a guy just to get one on board!

Like a normal girl?

Well, Hayden Peters had
better be paying for passage.

Is that fair?

The fruit of your loins is yours,
unless you can blame some other
bastard.

The only bastard is Hayden bloody
Peters, and he needs dealing to.

Yeah, smackety smack.

Are you in?

Huh?

Someone has to sort it for Loretta.

[ She is what she is.
[ Yeah, a pregnant lezzy.

No, she's her own person —
not a baby kind of person.

She'll soften up when
the ring's on her finger.

What, do you mean married?

Nudge with a shotgun,
if that's what it takes.

Ted, I'm real fond of Loretta.

Actions speak louder.

A smack across
the chops for Mr Peters.

I just don't think
v*olence is the answer.

I see.

Don't you have any respect for an
old man when he asks for your help?

Who are you calling old?

Hon, you were awesome.
So principled.

Hey.
Oh, hey.

Stick to your g*ns, baby.

I got hassled by your grandpa, so if
you got issues, it ain't up to me.

OK.
It's just how it is. Don't bug me.

OK.

See ya, then.
Yep.

GRANDPA: Give us the address.
We'll do the rest.

Look, I sympathise, OK?

But b*ating Hayden up is not
gonna get the result you want.

Make Ted feel better.

Look, he's not even here.

Where is he?
Brisbane.

You up for that?

Many good attractions there, apart
from the fisticuffs. Yeah, my niece
said Water World's wicked.

Address — hand it over.

OK. Let's just try
calling him first, OK?

What'll that do?

[ It's called being
reasonable, negotiating.

It's called being a p*ssy.

Well, it might save you the airfare.

Tight arse.

GALAH SQUAWKS, CELLPHONE RINGS

Hayden Peters.

Hayden, Jethro.

Hey, mate. How ya doin'?

Uh, yeah, good. Good.

Listen, something's
come up with Loretta.

What about her?

She's pregnant.

There's no way it's mine.

We're pretty sure it is.

Well, I said no way.
Well, hang on, mate—

Do you think I'm gonna go anywhere
near that bitch from hell?

Why the f*ck do you
think I moved here?

Negotiations, eh?

Don't worry. We'll deal with him.

Yep.

Not without me you don't.

Good man.

I saved you some tea.

Why does everyone keep trying
to feed me? I'm not a pet.

We're just showing you that we care.

Well, don't!

I don't wanna make things
worse for you, but...

I've got something
really important to say.

What?

You can't be my bridesmaid.

My dreams of pink taffeta —
totally crushed!

Well, actually, I was
thinking of champagne satin,

but if you have the sprog, then
you're gonna be way too fat and
fallen.

If you don't have it then you'll
be a m*rder*r, and that's not
really very acceptable to Muslims.

Unless it's on a grand scale
with planes and buildings.

OK, look I know you're angry,
but you're still my sister.

And I know in other countries
they might stone you,

but me and Bruce would never do that
because we care and we're tolerant.

If I needed a reason to get rid
of it, that just clinched it.

Months and months of you being
superior and Mum going on about
how I'll regret it.

You might.

How would she know? It's not like
she's ever gotten rid of one.

She had one that d*ed.

What?

Before the twins, it d*ed, you know,
when it was still cooking. And she
was really upset.

Why didn't she tell me?

Who would tell you anything
important when you're so heartless,
cruel and unsympathetic

even to the people who care?

Hey. Uh, I found these.

I was cleaning up, and
I just keep finding sh*t.

There must be years
of overdues in there.

Take it.

I just wanna put a pillow over my
head and make this all go away.

Go away how?

You heard me.

No, you don't wanna do that.

You can't!

Look, this is the last of my money,
OK. You can use this for whatever
you want — anything. It's yours.

Leave me alone, Van.

No, she'd want you to have it.

Aurora, cos you're having a kid...
because of her, because of us.

Stop it. Stop this.

It's gotta mean something —
that something good can come
out of something bad.

If you're trying to blackmail
me, you can forget it.
No, I'm not.

Crap about life and death cancelling
each other out. Will that change
anything?

No!
Then what are you doing, Van?

What I should have done ages ago.
I'm breaking the curse.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

I love you, Loretta.

Where are you off to, love?

Just out.

Night, Mum.

(LAUGHS) Night, my darlin'.

I love you, Mum.

I love you too.

You're OK?

Yeah, I'm better now.
Much better.

(LAUGHS)

And that they don't just suck it
out. They— They dilate the cervix
and then they break the waters.

Eugh!

What happened to caveman?

Caveman head out hunting. Avoid
all this messy women's business.

Well, it is messy.

If she has it, you know what
that'll make you? Grandma.

I'm kind of ready.

You're way too young to do nana.

No, I've been ready since
Pascalle hit puberty. I just—

God, I never thought
it would be Loretta.

Still might not be.

Would it be so bad
having a baby around?

It's not up to me.

Mm. You know if Loretta had it, you
know who'd end up looking after it.

You'd do that?

Wouldn't be just me,
though, would it?

SIGHS: sh*t.

That scare you off?

I'd rather have one of yours.

I've had that coil up there so long,
it'll be rusted over by now.

Oh, Jesus, woman.

BOTH LAUGH

You could take a hacksaw
to that. Easy-peasy.

Or use the combination —
it's your mother's birthday.

Why would I wanna do that?

Since you're here,
you wanna get 'em off?

Will that get it done?

Why do you wanna know?
Hey! And don't look.

I can't do this much longer, man.

What, you've got plans, have ya?

I just wanna know when
it's gonna be finished.

[ Think anything's ever finished?

Just when you thought that, there's
always a bit more. Eh? Bit to do.

You back on the speed?

Four cups of coffee.
Made me... (SNAPS FINGERS) zippy.

(SNIFFS) Fee, fi, fo, fum. You think
you're ready, but you're not.

f*ck up, Sparky.
I smelt it on you
the moment I walked in.

Just like I sniffed your sister.
But... you won't do it.

And you know everything.
I know a bit.

Yeah, well there's no point
to anything. You know that?

Yep. No point.

So there's no point
trying to stop it.

You left early this morning.

Yeah.

I brought you breakfast.
Want you to eat it.

Mum...
I'm not here to bully you.

Right, I'm here to make an offer,
and I want you to listen. Eat while
you listen.

I know you don't want this baby,
but if you have it, give it to me.
I'll look after it.

You want more than you've got?

Well, you love them once they're
here and even when they're not.

Having a baby is not the end of
the world. Your life goes on.

I think it would be really good for
Van — give him something to focus on
now that he's coming right.

How do you figure that?

Sorting all of Aurora's stuff out,
giving up drinking, being such
a sweetie again.

Yeah.
It's like he— It's like he's
finally made peace with something.

Breaking the curse.
Yeah, load of old rubbish that is.

He should have done it ages ago.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah. Um, Mum, thank you for
the breakfast, and I'll get back to
you about the sprog.

All right.

RINGTONE

VAN: Hey, it's Van.
Van?

Ha ha! Nah, it's not really me.
So you'll have to leave a message.

sh*t!

WISTFUL MUSIC

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

I thought you might be Bruce.

Why would Bruce be driving my car?

I dunno.
Where's Van?

Why's that important?

Van?

Van?

Sparky?

sh*t.

Oh, sh*t.

Ga...

Hanging — if you're gonna do it,
you have to do it properly.

Where is he?
Who?

Van!
Amazing what you find in
your granddad's caravan.

Van's in there?

No, hooks! You need two hooks,
not just string, or it won't hang
straight.

Where is Van?

Oh, he went off to Woodville.
To see the trees or some such.
sh*t.

Yeah, not in the best space, that
boy. You should look out for him.

And see ya.

Loretta!
What?

Do I look okay?

Fan-f*cking-tastic.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES

Bruce. My Bruce! (GIGGLES)

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES

Van!

Van!

Oh, too many trees.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES

Van!

BIRD CAWS

Van?

What's happened?
Nothing.

How'd you know I was here?

Sparky told me. I figured
if you were gonna do it,

you'd do it here, where you were
gonna get married. But you can't,
Van. You can't do it,

because it would be really crap for
everyone, and Mum would go mental
and even Jethro would miss you.

And I'd never, ever forgive you.

TEARFULLY: And I'll have the f*cking
baby if that's what you want me to
do, OK? OK?

Jesus.

sh*t.
Don't laugh at me!

I'm not. ]
I am not gonna let you do this, Van.

I'm not — honest.

I've been stuck downstairs with
Sparky for days. I come here to
get some air and trees.

No, I know what you were doing. You
were sorting sh*t out and you were
clearing sh*t up so you could go!

You are smart, aren't ya?

You're way smart. Except
for getting knocked up, like.

OK, fine. But you can't do this.

I'm not.

Promise.

You're right.

I was going to.

Cos I couldn't see
the point in anything.

And I really want to
see her again, you know.

But then I realised that I
was gonna miss Mum heaps,

and I was gonna miss
Pascalle's wedding —
and she'd be real slutted —

and Munts wouldn't even talk to me,

And I was cleaning up my room and
there was just always more and more
sh*t.

And it's like Sparky says, you know,
nothing's— nothing's ever really
finished.

Sparky?

Yeah. He's, he's pretty
on to it for a mad fucker.

So maybe you just— you
keep on doing what's there

till you don't do it no more.

So, are you doing it?

Yeah, I guess I am.

So, we'll just keep
on going then, eh?

It's a pisser, eh?

(SNORTS) Yep. (LAUGHS)

Big pisser, man.

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

BOTH CHUCKLE

Looky here — one dead duck.

And his friend, another dead duck.

Yeah, think I'll fit them
both in the same pot?

Maybe, if you chop their heads off.

Cool. You feel like roast duck?

Yeah. Choice.

That doesn't look like me.

I only— I only got this done so that
Mum would have a picture of me, and
that looks nothing like me!

He could have used
a turnip or something.

It is kind of like you.

Pft!

But more if you were a turnip.

What are you doing here? I thought
you'd be off spicing it up with
Bruce.

ANGRILY: Don't speak to me.

OK...

I don't wanna talk about it.

Except to say I hate you forever!

I thought that you and
Bruce would care about me.

Don't... you... talk about him!
Why not?

Because something terrible has
happened, something worse than
terrible!

sh*t. He did get bird flu.

No.

It was his last night in
this hotel in Guangzhou.

And they had this
cable movie channel.

[ What's so bad about that?
Was it in Chinese or something?

Hey, I think they've got
Monty Python on number .

(TURNS ON TV)

[ WOMAN MOANS ORGASMICALLY ON TV

SEXY MUSIC PLAYS

(MOANS ORGASMICALLY)

SEXY MUSIC CONTINUES

He saw it. He saw me!

[ OK, you weren't in China.

Van, it was the movie.
What movie?

Her movie!

Hm?
Her movie!

WAILS: And then he came in here...

To see you doing those things with
all those people in front of my
colleagues.

I didn't do anything.

Every manner of degradation, you
were doing it or it was done to you!

It was just acting.

You let yourself be seen like that —
every single part of yourself.

But often I had clothes on.

You appeared willingly in that.

Not exactly. I was doing it for you.

Oh, God save me!

It wasn't that bad. Look,
look, you've gotta believe me.

I've done worst things in real life.

Don't touch me.

You're a monster.

But I love you. You're my fiancee.

Whatever there was between us,

I would not, could not, marry you
if you were the last woman on earth.

SOBS: He said I was a monster!

Aw, because of a movie?
Van, shut up.

Well, if he didn't like it, he
just didn't have to keep watching.

What did you do to it?
What did you put in that movie?

It wasn't me. I didn't do it.

How can you say that?

It was Hayden. He recut it,
he put all that stuff in.
That's why I dumped him.

(SOBS)

Bastard!
Yeah.

Yeah.

Double bastard.

WESTERN MOVIE MUSIC

(CHUCKLES)

f*ck me dead. You came all
this way just to see me?

No, we're going to
Water World as well.

Well, that's good, but
you wasted your money.

Cos it's still not mine.

She is still a psycho, and any child
of hers will be the demon spawn of
Satan.

Sure you don't wanna
reconsider that?

No.

Righto.

BOTTLES CLINK

Right. What you gonna do?
You gonna punch me?

After you.

(LAUGHS)

THWACK!

HELLO SAILOR'S
'GUTTER BLACK' PLAYS

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.' ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES