06x11 - Make Love to This Employment

[bunniefuu]

Well, I like it.
We can do better.

Mm. Now, this looks interesting.

Honey, I'm getting quite hard just
at the thought of working here.

Hayden and I are starting a brothel.

You can't ditch the Tools
for a bunch of hos.

I'm offering you a job!
As what?

Managing the Tool Guys.
I'd train you up.

Then I accept.
Accept what?

My new job as the boss
of the Tool Guys.

Just let her go.

You would sell out your
granddaughter to a criminal
and his psychotic sister?

It's about what's right.

OK, fine. As of now, you're gone.

After all I did for that lousy
lard-boy, he throws me out like
an old sock.

And they just sat there. Wouldn't
say a dicky bird — me old bloody
family.

That's terrible.

To justice.

Hurry up, Ted.

What did you need so much air
freshener for? It weighs a ton.

You should know the reason forthat.

Its a by-product of stress.
It's not easy being a refugee.

You could sort it if you wanted
to. Take Wayne in hand.

I'm not talking to him.

You need to get hard, Ted.

You used to be hard.

Good God!

The bastards.

So what if I'm not disabled.
No one else was using it.

There he is, the piece of smegma.

Come here, you lily-livered
council jellyfish!

Payback under section
of the enforcement code.

The devil shits better
than the likes of you.

Open your mouth so I can stuff
this piece of crap down your gob.

Holy sh*t.

Hello, Ted.

Sparky.

HELLO SAILOR'S 'GUTTER BLACK'

♪ Lying in the gutter,

♪ I cut the cord from my mother.

♪ She pat me on the head and said,

♪ 'Go to sea, boy.
Get to sea, man.'

♪ My luck in the gutter black.

♪ I guess I'm running back...

♪ ...to you.

♪ You in my brain.
You in my heart. ♪

Come on, get it down you, you girl.

Ted, the terms of my employment
strictly forbid the drinking of
alcohol on duty.

Since when did you care about rules?

Since I joined the force.
Since I swore off alcohol.

And women.

You did a bunk to chase skirt.

Yeah, I know, but then I realised
women's parts were just the pincers
of the devil.

Oh, no offence, Ngaire.
None taken. It's an
honour to meet you.

Women, of course, mean nothing but
trouble. Led me into temptation,
caused me to...

go on the run.

Oh, get your hand off it, Sparky.

As is my witness,
I am a changed man.

Oh, Christ, you've not
gone all God Squad again?

No, this is bigger than God.

This is about rules, order,

being part of society.

We're society. You need to get
that down you and get your end away.

The sooner you do, the sooner
you'll be back to your old self.

But I don't want to be my old self.

Certainly don't look
like your old self.

But to pose as a parking warden —
it can't be worth it.

I'm not posing. I am a parking
warden, and proud of it.

Bollocks. You are Sparky, lighter
of fires, burner of all things
flammable.

Keep it down, will you?

As and old trusted friend of Ted's,

I'm sure you'll find the
right way to dispose of this.

Can't do that, Ngaire.
It's in the system.

I suggest you take it out of the
system. It was an honest mistake.

I can't. I serve the community.

You're not a service!

You're nothing but a pest, a leech.

I understand that parking is
an emotional issue, but I'm
just doing my job.

And it's not Sparky.
It's Maurice now.

Maurice Gibbs.

Such talent.

It's a travesty.

We should go home, unpack
the shopping. I could slip
into something.

Not now. I'm thinking.

(SIGHS)

Right, this is the phone. Here's
where we write the appointments.

And here is a list with
everyone's mobiles.

Hmm. Yeah. I've been thinking maybe
this isn't such a good idea.

Van, you are the one who wanted
to step up. You are the one who
wanted to train as management.

Yeah, I know, but, you know,
as the— as the senior Tool Guy,

apart from Munter, I should be
on site with Aaron and the Gooch.

You're piking — is that it?
No.

Van, man up.

Yeah, but you're throwing me in the
deep end. Look — a phone and a book
and the paper and the box.

Van, you'll be fine. And while, you're
waiting for the phone to ring,
you can read these. What's that?

Department of Labour health
and safety guidelines and
the Resource Management Act.

OK.
If you wanna be a manager, you have
to understand what you're managing.

Yep.
Yep? So rip into it.

Hey, do you think it's wise leaving
Van in charge of the bookings?

Do I look worried?

Well, you should be.

You're right, which is why I've
diverted the phone to my mobile.

You are so slick.

No time for that now.
We have a brothel to open.

Yes, of course we do.

(GRUNTS)

ROCK MUSIC

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello, you've reached the Tool Guys.

Hi, I'm Van West. I'm the manager.

I'm the manager of the Tool— Hi.

Hello? Hello?
Yo?

Hi, my name's Van. I'm the Tool.

Little early for that, isn't it?

Special occasion. Bumped
into Sparky this morning.

Where was he? Under a cardboard box?

Fraternising with the enemy —
working for the council.

Sparky?
Don't worry. This is a sign.

The time is right to
get my crew together.

I can feel it in my loins.
Positively chubby, I am. Me
and the crew, back together.

What crew is this?

Usual suspects, and Sparky.
Grandpa—

You've got your business; I've got
mine. You want to argue about it?

So, what's the job you're planning?

Got to get the crew together first.

Well, good on you, Grandpa.

Here you go. Do it fast, do
it cheap, do it by tomorrow.

Yeah, um, uh, uh, me and
the Gooch just wanted to say

that we're totally honoured to be
working on this project with you
guys, eh?

You don't have to be honoured.
Just do what you're told.

[ But, I mean, this place —

so much potential.

It could be the Taj Mahal
of private establishments.

OK, listen to me: this place does
not need any structural changes or
to be clad in gold.

It just needs to be functional.

READS: Turn down hot water,
clean out toilets, fix lighting,
assemble kitset furniture.

I-It's just that we were thinking
that maybe some of the rooms could
be, like,... themed.

Themed?
We thought one could
be a hunting den.

Yeah, leopard skins, a*mo pouches.

Evoking the feeling
of hunting p*ssy.

OK.

Yeah! Right on, Haydies. You get it.
(LAUGHS) See, it's like a man thing.

Reminder to everyone in the room
with penises: this is a business,
not a fantasy.

Every expense will be spared,
because we have f*ck all money.
So just do the list.

I'm off to sort security.

A hunting den — I like it.

A man doesn't come here just to get
laid in a room. I mean, he wants to
get laid in a boudoir.

Couldn't agree more.

What?

Well, as my old dad used to say,
it's about giving men what they
want.

That's what we're saying.
Now, did Michelangelo say, 'I think
the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel

'would look better if
it was plain white'?
No, sir.

No, sir! Huh? Did Leonard da Vinci
say, 'I think the Mona Lisa would be
easier if she was wearing a burqa'?

I don't think so.
Idon't think so!

Now, you two are artists, right?
You should be free to express
yourselves.

B-But Loretta said—
Oh, forget about Loretta.
This is my business too.

Well, so you're saying—
I'm saying there's more than one
way to get around a tight budget.

And ways around a tight-arse too.

Like, she's tight — as in mean.

True.

But we won't let that
hold us back, will we?

What are we waiting for? We're not
gonna roll the guide-dog collector,
are we?

FALANI: She's doing all right.

Whenever I've rolled a collector,
I've never needed a crew of three.

Four. Watch this.

See it?

Scum of the earth.

No, look.

Heavenly father.

It can't be.

It is.

Oi!

Sparky, you old dog.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Yeah, good to see you, my friend.
But before I shake your hand, tell
me that ticket is a tasteless prank.

Well, you're in a disabled car park.

(SCOFFS) They get heaps —

WINZ benefits, a special ramp, even
their own Olympics. Enough's enough.

Someone has to defend civic rights.

[ Cut the claptrap, Sparky.
It's Maurice.

It's Sparky to your colleagues.

No, they're back at
the council office.

No, you are back where you belong —

in a crew.

Look, I have told you, Ted, I have
a different life now — a happy life.

You're happy plaguing the
lives of innocent motorists?

Well, they don't get ticketed
if they don't infringe.

That's just wrong.
Wrong.

How happy would your employers be

if they found out they'd
hired an escaped convict?

Wests don't dob.

Falani's not a West.

You shame my family's
honour with that ticket.

Lighten up, Sparky.

Or lose your job.

(SIGHS)

One job. But nothing involving fire.

(CHUCKLES)
That's more like it. (LAUGHS)

One quote, full security system
and cameras. That's my best price.

Thanks, Wayne.
Get back to me when
you want me to start.

Mm-hm.

Only me.

I'll call you.

Loretta.
Ngaire.

Ngaire, what are you doing here?

I just happened to be passing.
And I miss my sweet Jane so much.

Well, she's not here.

No, I know. But I miss you too.

What can we do for you, Ngaire?

Oh, well, um, since you mention
it,... things have been a little
difficult for poor dear Ted.

He would love to move back home. He
feels terrible about what happened.
I think it's time to heal the rift

Well, you could have fooled me.

Does anyone else in
here smell bacon farts?
LAUGHTER

Haven't you got more homes to
inv*de? Sties to sh*t in? (LAUGHS)

All right, if you must know, having
Ted around the house - — it's
intolerable.

(BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY)

SHRIEKS: Ted!

(HUMS SEDUCTIVELY)

SLAP!
Ooh!

Ted!

Oh, Ted! (GAGS)

Our relationship has always been
based on mystery and intrigue.

But having him there, day in, day
out, our sex life is suffering.

We used to be so inventive,
so surprising — never the
same position.

I'm sure.
We're like an old married couple.

It's missionary all the way — if
he's got enough lead in his pencil.

Look, all right.

I'm prepared to let the
old bugger move back in.

Oh, Wayne.

So relieved.

On one condition.

All right.

I want an assurance from Ted in
person that he will respect the
rules of the house.

Then, and only then,
will I reconsider it.

Thank you, Wayne.

(BLOWS KISS)
(BLOWS KISS)

What's that?
A concrete sprayer.

Why?
To spray concrete.

Why?
It's for the cave.

What the f*ck is the cave?

Oh my God, you boys are visionaries.

What have you done?

A B & D room in the
likeness of a cave.
What?!

It's genius. My clients
are gonna cream themselves.

Um, Chastity was kinda keen on
a pole — uh, like a warm-up act
for the punters.

In the centre or in the corner?

There will be no pole anywhere.
We cannot afford a pole or a
f*cking cave or any of this sh*t.

Well, that's not what Hayden said.

Sagittarians are in for
a bit of a rough week.

Hey, has Ted been in at all?
How should I know?

I thought you were married to him.
Ha!

Hayden, have you seen the damage
that your clowns are doing to our
premises?

Aaron and the Gooch are your clowns,
but I look forward to seeing what
they do.

Are you mad?

They're fired up. It could be good.

You know that our budget
is two-tenths of f*ck all.

Why are you encouraging them?

Because, Loretta, we
are building a brothel.

'We'? I never agreed to spend
money on any of that sh*t.

Sometimes what you want and what
men want are not the same thing.

Oh, here we go.
Men have needs.

Yeah, they need to
get their end away.

You give a man what he wants and
more, he will come back for more.

Repeat business, huh?
It's where it's at.

Fine. Do what you want.
I will.

But don't think that I am gonna pay
$ of any unnecessary expenditure.

OK.
I'm not gonna pay for your folly.

Agreed.

Yeah, I mean it, Hayden.
This is not gonna cost me.

I get that.

OK, good.

(SNORES)

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ]

(CONTINUES SNORING)
Hi, Van.

(GASPS)
GROGGILY: Tool Guys. You're welcome.

I wasn't ringing.
Eh? I wasn't asleep.

You were snoring.
[ No, I wasn't.

I don't care.
Yeah, well, I wasn't.

Munter's here.
Yo, dude.

Hey.

Came to celebrate your
first day in management.

Oh, yep.

Whoo!
Hey.

So, how is it?

Mm. Oh, I've gotta read this, man.

And there's no pictures.

Apart from that, it was
a piece of piss, man.
I figured as much.

Yeah. You gotta wonder what
we're paying Loretta for, bro.

Cos the phone didn't ring once.

What, like never?
Never.

I reckon Loretta...

I think she makes jobs up, bro,

just to look busy.

To justify her cut.

Yeah, totally.

Oh, bro, that's tricky.

(SCOFFS) It's management, bro.

It's a scam.

You know, the trouble with robbery
nowadays is there's no actual money
to rob.

Mm, everything is EFTPOS.

Cashless bloody society — no class.

I wonder if the collector
lady's still there.
(COUGHS)

So, there isn't really a big score?

Well, if that's the case,
I might just head off, eh.

Sparky, sit down.

We'll have a feed,
then we'll cr*ck it.

DOOR OPENS

And here she is — my muse.

Ted, boys, Sparky.

Oh, it's, uh, Maurice.

We could do with some tucker.
Whip us up some bacon and eggs,
would you?

You didn't show to
file your tips, Ted.

Not important.
Your absence was noted.

Hayden Poofter Peters can lick my
arse. I have bigger fish to fry
now that I have my crew.

But we don't actually
know what the score is.

Cook us some eggs. Off you go.

Do it yourself. They're your crew.

What the hell was
the meaning of that?

I'm not your sl*ve, Ted.

Don't talk down to me in front of
my crew in my own home, you hear me?

It's not your home.
It is now.

Your home is the West house.
Not any more.

Ted.

I went to see Wayne today.

You spoke to the
pork-bellied traitor?

He is willing to extend the
olive branch if you agree to
one condition.

You what?
Ted, for God's sake, you
don't have to mean it.

Just agree to a few things, then
you're back to your rightful place.

This is an act of betrayal.

Ted!

As much as I love you,...
living with you around the
clock — it isn't easy.

You don't want me here? Is that it?
(SIGHS) Ted.

We're like boxers.

Our relationship works best when,
after a bout of passion, we retire
to our separate corners.

So you do want me out?
No.

You're as bad as all the rest of
them. Well, bugger it! I'm going!

I'm just saying this
quote seems really high.

Well, I don't see why Wayne
would wanna rip us off.

You're very relaxed considering
you're spending all your cash
on Aaron Spiller's wet dreams.

Just taking a quick meal break,
then straight back to it, eh.

Well, that's all right, Aaron.

Have a drink, get some food,
order what you like.

That's very nice of you.
Not me. This is all on Hayden's tab.

Thanks, man. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) This is really
annoying you, isn't it?
What is?

That a man, such as myself, with
limited means can perform such
a miracle.

It's a brothel, not
a religious experience.

You just don't know, right,

and it's driving you mad.
No, it's not.

This is where being
man gives me the edge.

Oh, not all that bullshit again.

You will be impressed.
And you will be very poor.

(LAUGHS)
When are you two getting
your own place?

What?
Get your own place pronto. Make
sure it has a decent spare room.

Can't really afford
it at the moment, Ted.

No, he definitely can't.
You and Ngaire had a row?

Don't mention that
back-stabbing strumpet.

Grandpa, talk to Wayne.

I've said all I have
to say to that traitor.

Grandpa, can you tell me if this is
a good deal for installing security?

(LAUGHS) What do you think?

It's not a good deal?

He's prepared to screw over
every member of this family.

Why would he do that?

Don't be a poof your
whole life, Peters.

I'll do it for you.
You will?

Are you deaf?

It's just that it's
quite a complicated job.

I worked for the porker for long
enough. I know a recess contact
flange from a stubby tight fit.

Ted.
I'll do it for half.

How can you do it for half?

Free installation.

OK, done.

Here you go.

Do you see what I see?
Yeah, four! (LAUGHS)

Dust off your balaclavas,
boys. We're on!

Yeah? What is it?

None of your business.

The guide-dog collector would
have gone home by now.

It's not that. It's electrics.

There's no fire?
Just electrics.

Ah, flat-screen TVs — there's
always plenty of buyers for them.

It's not TVs.

Portable kitchen appliances.
What?

Counter-top convection ovens —

oh, they go really well
at Avondale Markets.
Nope.

A batch of -inch
portable pizza ovens.
Nope.

Oh man, Mrs Falani wanted one of
those. Her birthday's coming up.

It's not ovens.

It's more of a shakedown
job to grease the wheels.

KEYPAD BEEPS

Psst.

Doesn't look like much.

Might be a safe somewhere.

Righto. Let's get to it, boys.

Get to what?

And here is some more important
reading — Effective Management
for Beginners.

I'm on to you, Loretta.

How's that, Van?

Trying to pull the wool in my
eyes with all this reading.

You have to know the basics.

Well, I already know that this
management thing is a crock of sh*t.

How's that?

I was here all day yesterday,
and that phone didn't ring once.

So apart from reading the first
page of this Resource... thingy,

which no one in the world could
understand, I didn't do anything.
Lucky old you.

So why are me and Munter paying
you % when the hardest thing
about this job is staying awake?

How do you know the phone
didn't ring if you were asleep?

I wasn't asleep. I didn't—
I rested, sometimes, my eyes.

But, look, the point is any
idiot could do this job.

You're right.
What?

Management is a job for idiots.

Ha! See, I told you so.

I am such an idiot that I forgot to
take the phone off divert yesterday.

What?
PHONE RINGS

Oh. Mm.

No, no, no.

Good luck, Van.
No, don't...

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Hi, my name is Tool— uh, Van.

There we go. Done and dusted.

Don't they usually come in boxes?

Had to test them, make sure they
were tickety-boo. Like I said,
the full professional service.

Right.
Come on. Half now, half
on completion as discussed.

Righto, I'll leave you to it.

No, hang on. You said that
it included installation.

Oh, right. Sparky.

Sparky?

(LAUGHS) Sparky.

It's Maurice now. Maurice Gibbs.

Oh, that's even worse that Barry.

Well, I'm incognito.

But if you're gonna call
yourself after any Bee Gee,
why choose Maurice?

Less of the chit-chat. Hop to it.

Don't worry. I won't be
any longer than necessary.

Oh, well, why the rush?

I'm experiencing deep moral conflict
being inside, um, a... a...

a house of ill repute.
I can smell the sex already.

There hasn't been any sex.
We haven't opened yet.

But there will be.

So would you prefer
to go back to jail?
You what?

Well, imagine if the cops
found out you were here.

Nah, you wouldn't.

I own a brothel now, Maurice.
I have to keep above the law.

But if a certain fugitive
agreed to scratch my back...

Oh, I don't touch women.
I'm speaking metaphorically.

A full rewiring, and the cops will
never know that you were here.

You are the devil.

Look, it's my pole!

Mm, is it now?

Uh, nah, this is just
a piece of scaffolding.

To be used as a pole?

I was a stripper when I was young.

Oh, the glory days of youth (!)

Well, carry on.

What, you mean it's OK?

Oh, spend up large. If you can
dream it, you have to go for it.

Might I suggest a
tropically themed room?

Ooh, tropicana.

Oh, palm trees. Little
drinks with umbrellas.

A hammock.
What, you've had sex in a hammock?

With Mrs Falani, that would
defy the laws of physics.

So, you're all good if I install
this for Trudy's voyeur room?

Like I said, go for it.

Hey, I'm thinking a rubber room...
with dildos protruding from the
floor.

WHIMSICAL MUSIC

Well, we're talking about
w-w-what men want, aren't we?

Morning. Janie about?

No, she's already
gone to Totally Tots.

Oh, what a shame.

Did Ted happen to
stay over last night?

I thought he was with you.

I passed on your request, but being
the stubborn man he is, he chose to
sh**t the messenger.

Who did he sh**t?
He's left me, Pascalle.

Oh. Well, are you all right?

At first I was pleased to have him
out from under my feet. But then
last night, alone in the bed,...

I missed having his
naked body next to mine.

The way he used to spoon me —
a single bar of hot manhood
warming my lower back.

Yeah, Ted hasn't been here.

It's hard to think of poor Ted
sleeping rough under a bridge.

My terms still stand.

I see. Well, if by chance you
see him, tell him I'm wearing
the black lace teddy...

in memory of the good times.

Poor Ngaire.

You'd think she'd be stoked
to get rid of the old codger.

Well, he was only helping me.

He aided and abetted an escaped
prisoner who committed armed
robbery. He broke the law.

No one get arrested or anything.

I can't go back on this, Pascalle.

I know you're right. It's just...

It's Grandpa being Grandpa.
You know, you can't teach an
old tiger to change their spots.

Yeah, maybe.
And Ngaire is gonna be around
here every day hassling us.

PHONE RINGS

Only because she misses Janie.

Judd Security.

Hi, how are you?

What? Totally gone?

Well, yeah. I-I-I'll
be over there soon.

Yep, OK. I'll sort it.

OK.

PHONE BEEPS

What happened?

One of our secure premises
got done over last night.

What did they take?

The security system.

(SCOFFS) Weird.
Ain't it?

Well, who would wanna take that?

You stole a security system?

It's just the beginning. Here's to
me and the crew and sticking it up
the Judd.

OK, just a couple of
points here, Grandpa.

Like what?

Well, you don't wanna
take any risks, do you?

No pain, no gain.

This sleeping on
the couch business —

it's not ideal.

Where else am I meant to go?

Well, it's j... (SIGHS)

Talk to Ngaire.

No chance. She's made her bed.

Grandpa, I just think you need to
take things carefully at the moment.

I know what I'm about. ]

We'll have that oinker
on the run in no time.

It's coming together.
(SCOFFS) In ways that
you wouldn't believe.

Can I do the security tomorrow?
Something out of left field came up.

You're assuming I accept your quote.

You don't?
No, I got a better offer.

I was doing it for cost.

Well, it can't have been that
generous, because I've got it
for half.

No one in their right mind
would do it for half.

Well, I guess that's their problem.

Who is it?
Can't tell you that.

I wanna know the name of
the bastard undercutting me.

Sparky?

Mr Judd.

sh*t, you're undercutting me.

No. No, sir, I am not.

I'm only doing what I have to do to
earn my freedom from enslavement.

What?
Loretta blackmailed me to stay
after Ted insisted I install this.

Sparky, get back to work.

Loretta.

Oh, f*cking old bastard.

Relax the wrists, you poof.

Ted.
What's up your jacksie?

On my way here, I've been trying to
think of one reason why I shouldn't
smack you in the head.

So far, it's eluded me.
Do your worst, lard boy.

I want that security system that you
took back intact and reinstalled.

What are you gonna do?
Squeal to your piggy mates?

That client is a big earner for me.

So? Suffer as I have suffered.
Suffer what?

The humiliation of being turfed out
of my own home in front of my own
family. An eye for an eye, Trotsky.

What you did was
flat-out f*cking wrong.

I did what was right
by my rules, my code.

I will not be made a fool of.

All right, you made your point.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

How about... we compromise?

Never a good start, but go on.

Bury the hatchet — you can move
back home in exchange for the gear.

All right.

But here's what I want:

you move out to the caravan.
What?

It's not like you need a big room
with Slutty in the minge motel.

Ngaire's been a bit out of sorts,
and we could use a bit of space.

You don't call the sh*ts.

I haven't finished yet. We have
a big family dinner — roast beef,
Yorkshire pud, the whole shebang —

and you declare publicly, in front
of all my grandchildren and Ngaire,

that I, Ted West, am the
rightful master of my home.

sh*t.

Deal or no deal?

Get f*cked, Ted.

[ DOOR OPENS

Sparky, how's it going?

I'm just about done down here.

Great, now you can start
pulling it out again.
[ Eh?

That system belongs to somebody
else, and I'm repossessing it.

I've already paid a deposit.

It's stolen property and I want it
back and reinstalled across town.
If not—

...you're gonna call the cops.

Oh, come on, Wayne.

This is what happens when
you do a deal with Ted West.

Fool.
THWAP!

Damn...
THWAP!

...fool.
Sparky, pull yourself together.

Bastard.
Ted used his knowledge of my
business to shaft me, yet again,

and I'm not standing for it.

And by the way, my generous offer
just expired. You want a security
system, add %.

You didn't tell me that
half-price meant fully stolen.

You're a West. You know the score.

Grandpa, I'm opening a brothel.

A case in point.

Even though it is now legal,

it still invites more scrutiny
from the authorities than if
I was opening, say, a florist.

I don't need fenced
goods on my premises.

You've gone soft from living under
the same roof as that brown-skinned,
pork-bellied—

Grandpa, give it a rest.

Jethro's the only one
who's got any balls.

I don't give a flying f*ck.

Right now, I have lost my security
system, one of my bedrooms resembles
the log flume ride at Rainbow's En,

and my electrician is about to
bugger off or put electrodes
through his scrotum.

I want my money back.

It won't be necessary.

Grandpa, you said half on delivery,
half on completion. It has just
walked out the door.

I will sort it out.
Today?

I just said I'd bloody
sort it, didn't I?

Janie's not here.
I know. I was looking for Ted.

Well, it'd be pretty
unlikely he'd be here.

I feel he's lost to me.

He's not that hard to find, Ngaire.
I just saw him down at the pub.

Oh? How was he?

Despite my generous offer to let
bygones be bygones, he refused.

But he's all right? Safe? Well?

I don't care about his
state of bloody health.

That's not compassionate.
He gives me the shits.

Maori are meant to
respect their elders.

He is not my elder. And if you want
my opinion, it's like he's on some
kind of bender.

If he weren't so bloody old,
I'd call it a mid-life crisis.

I see.
He's out of control.

You think he's up to no good?

I bloody know it. ]

And if I were you, I'd cut him
off. Leave him to his rampage.

Perhaps you're right. Thanks, Wayne.

METER BEEPS

You must be Sparky.

Uh, Maurice.

I've heard a lot about you. You
have a very, uh, fiery reputation.

Ah, that was a different me.

Pity. Angel likes it hot.

And if you wanna measure
some real high voltage...

Eh?

That's one hell of a tickler
you've got there, Maurice.

SEDUCTIVE MUSIC

ZAP!
Good.

Bad.
ZAP!

Good.
SIZZLE!

Bad.
Sparky.

(YELPS)

Don't think you can ponce off back
to nancy land. You're part of the
Ted West crew now. Come on.

I've got a new score for us.

A score, as in a real job?

This one will really show the oinker
who's in charge. But we've gotta
move quickly.

What is it?
You'll find out what when
we're close to the target.

Yeah, it's just that if we'd known
about the other job a little bit in
advance, we might have, um...

What?

Chosen not to do it.
Why?

Well, it wasn't very
spectacular, was it?

We're not putting on
Cirque du bloody Soleil.

Yeah, I know, but—

This is brazen. It's giving the
fingers to Mr Pork and Puha.

It's not another
security system, is it?
So what if it is?

Well, it's just that as heists go,
stealing a security system is
just...

It's just not sexy.

Traditionally, I have found robbery
to be more exciting if it involves
actual things of actual value —

like, uh, late-model
cars, jewellery.

Cash — an oldie but a goody.

Yeah, not to put too fine a point on
it, Ted, stealing a security system
is so...

It's what?

It's a bit beneath us.

What are you saying?
You're not gonna do it?

We have our standards.

No disrespect.

Then bugger of, both of you. You can
f*ck off back to the shag palace.
Sparky and I will take care of it.

We don't need two yellow-bellied
has-beens like you. ]

There's no need to go that way, Ted.

Go on, then. Piss off.

I bloody live here.

Well, the tropicana room needs
some palms. Yeah, you can come
and help me dig it out.

(SCOFFS)

[ DOOR OPENS

Right, then. It's you and me, fella.

Actually, Ted, uh,
I haven't got time.
What?

Well, I've got so much
to do for Loretta.

You're my crew, not hers.

Yeah, they want dimmers on
everything. Tropicana room needs
a heat pump. Then there's the cave.

Bloody pikers.

Hello, Ted. Come to file your tips?

Might do.
Why else would you be here?

I have my reasons.

How's it going with the crew?

They're not a crew. They're not
the scab on a sailor's johnson.

What's happened, Ted?
It's not like the old days. There
were real hard-hitters like Lefty.

They've let you down.

Upped and offed like
a bunch of girl's blouses.

Perhaps I've let you down too.

Moving out's been good for..
refocusing my career.

I've missed you like
you wouldn't believe.

Is that so?
And though Wayne warned me
to stay away from you,...

He what?
...seeing you now...

The conniving bastard.
Are you angry, Ted?

I'm f*cking furious. How
dare he tell us what to do?!

He doesn't.

Eh?
I'm yours.

And I'm all the crew you need.
You mean...?

What is Bonnie without her Clyde?

SOLA ROSA'S 'GET IT TOGETHER'

The world's our oyster, my sweet.

♪ Oo-oo-oo-oh. ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES

[ TED WOLF-WHISTLES

Ted.

Oh, together we make sparks fly.

It's good to be back.

When you were gone, there was a part
of me that felt so empty, so hollow.
I felt dry, Ted. Dry.

And now?
You are desert rains
filling my pool.

Who said crime doesn't pay, eh?

Wait, Ted.
Why?

Let's bottle this moment. Let's
not get complacent, missionary.

I'm not thinking Christian thoughts
right now, that's for sure.

You know what I mean.

What we have is too
special to become dull.

Promise me you won't stay over. Make
love to me, spend me, exhaust me,

and then go,...

like a shadow in the night.

I can work with that.

The question is can
you work with this?

ZIP!

BREATHILY: Oh, Ted.

Ooh! That shower is
a triumph, Maurice.

Nice work on the thermostat.

Sparky.
Eh? What?

You can put this lot in tomorrow.

All right, all right.

Where did you get them from?

I can't reveal my sources.

Tell me they're not stolen.

It's in its original boxes.
What more do you need?

Falani.

A portable pizza oven? For me?

It was the least I could do.

Uh,... (CHUCKLES)
I don't know what to say.

Oh, I apologise for any harsh
that were exchanged between us.

You know, Mrs Falani, she's
gonna love this piece of— Oh! Ted!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

No hard feelings.

Look at that — the colour of money.
This is the beginning of a new
beginning.

Me and Ngaire are gonna take
this town. Just you watch.

Oh, you're back at Ngaire's?
Nope.

You're not sleeping here.

Don't worry. I've got myself sorted.

Well, I guess I should be impressed.

Yes, you should.

But knocking off an
electrical-appliance warehouse —
pretty low-end stuff.

Who are you calling low-end?

Could get you caught.

You can't do the crime if
you're worried about the time.

Grandpa, I can't have you inside.

I need you out here.

You got something better?

I will.

Better be worth my while. I've got
my mojo back. I want to use it.

I know that.
And the oinker's still at large.

And I'm working on it.

OK?

All right, then.

Enjoy the pizza maker.

I have to go back in. Can you
guys look after Jane for me?

Mm-hm.

And, Wayne, I won't be
accepting your quote.

So who's doing it?
That's commercially
sensitive information.

Tell Ted that while he's
prancing around town acting
like some geriatric Al Capone,

the door to this house
is closed to him.

OK.

Van, you managed
to stay awake today.

I had nine calls,...
PHONE RINGS

...actually,... (BURPS)
and I gave them an estimate.

Phone's ringing.
Yeah. I think because I... I've
had my hands on my... experience,

you know, I think that I'm actually
more qualified than you to do the
managing.

Van, the phone.

Oh, sh*t.

Um...
No, shh.

Uh, Van West, Tool Guys
manager speaking.

RINGING CONTINUES

Hello?
RINGING CONTINUES

I-I would consider it an honour
if you wanted me to be the first
to see your cave.

(CHUCKLES) Eric, you
are so not the first.

There's no need to be like that.

It's not finished.

Well, maybe later.

I doubt it.

Hey, you're not still shitty
about the dildo room, are you?

That's wasn't a slight
against you, my love.

You can stick whatever you
want wherever you want.
We're still busy here.

LAUGHTER, CHATTER ]

I see.

May I say the tropicana
room is a triumph. Hoo-ah!

What's going on?

Small token of appreciation
for everyone's hard work.

They haven't finished yet.

One step at a time, all right?
Everybody needs a little bit of
appreciation. Here.

OK, fine.
Good.

Thank you, everyone.
And here's to...

the Courtesans of Henderson.

The quarter-whats?

The Courtesans of Henderson.
What's wrong with that?

Iiiiit sucks.
Never gonna work.

It's a name that suggests
class, all right?

Yeah, but what men really want—

Oh, here we go.
No, no, they want horny. ]

Sassy, sexy and a little
bit of rock and roll.

Really, there was
only one name for it.

DRUM ROLL

Oh, sh*t.
To Loretta's!

ALL: Loretta's!
LAUGHTER

No.
Yes.

Told you it was a hooker name.
Oh yeah, oh yeah. ]

LAUGHTER, CHATTER

You're amazing, the way
you can stay so focused.

Oh, I... I'm nearly done.

Just have to finish the, uh,
glow-worm effect in your cave,
then I'm out of here.

Oh, that's a real shame, Maurice.

I swear I detected
a, uh, spark between us.

ZAP!
Sorry.

[ RACING COMMENTARY ON TV

What are you doing here?

Enjoying myself.

That turd was a bit over the top.

Like I said, no hard feelings.

And now that I've expressed my
feelings with that particularly
fine offering, the door is shut.

Well, you didn't say that it was
gonna be portable pizza ovens.

Too late now.

[ Although, if you've got
anything else on the go—

No, no. You have standards.

Oh, that— that was
more Falani than me.

I've got the ideal crew now.
She gives me excellent cover
and outstanding sex.

Why aren't you around there, then?

Leave them wanting more.
That's the secret.

Well, some of us aren't
getting any at all.

You need to milk the lizard.

That'll sort you. Toss a load off.

Yeah. Nice healthy wank
and then an early night.

Right you are.
Yeah. Goodnight, Ted.

What are you doing?

We're topping and tailing — just
in the short-term. Don't mind me.
Just, uh, aim the other way.

SOLA ROSA'S 'WAY UP'

So, did you have anything
to do with the name?

It was a vote.

Unanimous.

It's my place too, you know.

(CHUCKLES) It certainly is now.

Anyway, I think it's perfect.

Well, at least I didn't have to
haemorrhage money like you did.

Me? No way. I'm under budget.

Bullshit. After all this?

First rule of management — harness
the enthusiasm of your employees.

The Van Goghs, the da Vincis of
this world — they begged, borrowed
and stole to make their art,

because they knew that they
had to see the vision through.

Everything, and I mean everything
they used, they got for nix.

You still have to pay
them for their labour.

Oh, I think they're pretty happy
with their deal. In fact, they're
being paid as we speak.

You guys really are the best.

You made my pole happen.

So I'm gonna make your pole happen.

There really is a p*ssy god.

That is so...
...clever?

I was gonna say 'cheap'.

Well, I'm just going
with what men want.

I think we've got some
unfinished business, don't you?

I can't do this.

I have sworn off women.

(CHUCKLES)

Is that your problem?

I have.

Well,...

DEEP VOICE: I'm no woman.

So today's...

your lucky day.

SPARKY GROANS

SOLA ROSA'S 'WAY UP'