06x05 - Hyper

[bunniefuu]

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS Six boxes of cornflakes, Tam.

OK, What's the angle? What angle? God's sake.

I'm into cornflakes.

I love them.

Ooh, lovely cold milk.

Cannae b*at them.

Lovely.

OK.

I'll ride the bus to the next stop.

£8.

60, please.

Okey
-dokey.

Oh.

What's this I see? And I'm still on the bus These are out of date.

Sell
-by, been and gone.

I'll tell you my problem, Navid.

I like my cornflakes to be crunchy, you know? I just don't know about these.

They're just They're just no' gonnae be there, are they? So I'll gie ye two quid for the lot.

Finally.

The terminus.

Give me it.

I'm desperate.

Thank you, now.

Navid.

You should have chased him.

He's a chancer.

I can't afford to chase him, Isa.

He's a customer, and they're very thin on the ground these days.

That's why those cornflakes are sitting there so long.

People aren't buying anything.

Aye, cos of that new Hyperdales.

A lot of folk are buying out of there now.

Hyperdales is suffocating me.

This shop is dying.

Don't be angry with Tam.

He is merely a jackal, picking at the bones of a dying carcass.

Navid, I think you should lay off that Animal Planet channel, and start thinking about ways you can get folk back in here.

What's the point? There, now.

You see? There's two faithful customers there.

What's this? Jack and Victor.

Hip hip hooray! What's the matter with him? He's worried cos that big Hyperdales is taking away a lot of his business.

Uh
-huh.

Squeezing the very life blood ootae here.

Hmmm.

They've got him by the nuts, and they're Ahem! We get the picture, Isa.

Fear not, Navid.

At least we're here.

Aye.

Hyperdales.

A lot of new
-fangled shite.

Two buses up there for your groceries and then all the way back wi' the bags? Aye.

They places are fine for your suburban wankers, wi' their big fancy Jeep cars, but see for the likes of us, local is king.

Yep.

I appreciate the sentiments, boys.

You're my staple, my bread and butter.

But let's face it, you're old.

Decrepit.

Spent.

You'll be dead in six months.

Then where will I be? What can I get you? Two coffins, ya cheeky bastard! Yes.

I'm up and about.

No, I'm having a couple of slices of toast.

Hyperdales? Away and don't talk nonsense, Frances.

There's bugger all up with the toaster we've got.

Right, I'll need to go.

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS A new toaster? That'll be right.

That's 25 quid you don't need to spend.

"But the toast's always burnt!" Ye no heard of a Kn*fe? Ye cannae scrape it? Ach, a wee bit of glue, you'll be all right.

Right, come on now Look who it is! Bill and Ben.

Two whiskeys, ya flobba dobbin knob
-end.

su1c1de bid, is it? Eh? Eatin' one of Boabby's pies.

You're takin' your life in your hands, boy.

Oh, no.

There's been a development.

Taste this.

Nah, you're all right, Boabby.

A mouthful.

Jesus.

Lovely.

What's happened there? That's edible! Say hello to the Thermolite 360.

No cold spots, and an infra
-red grill for a crunchy top.

59.

99.

Hyperdales.

It's no' just the heat.

It's actually tasty, that, Boabby.

It's because they're out of Hyperdales, as well.

Jesus, everyone's on about that place.

Aye, that's cos it's magic.

It's like America up there.

That's all very well, but what about Navid? What about him? That place is slitting his throat.

He's losing all his customers to it.

Hold on, now.

A bottle of ketchup, right, out of Navid's.

That size.

A pound.

You can get a bottle at Hyperdales twice the size for the same price.

You do the math.

Navid's a robbing bastard.

That's how these big places crush the wee places, Winston.

Aye, you read about it in the papers.

See, your conglomerates team up in the cartels.

It's monopolies and mergers commissions, and they corner the market for the consortiums.

Something then it's something about a loss leader.

Are you just saying business words now, Jack? Yes.

But that's why that sauce is cheaper.

Aye.

Ye cannae have that, you know.

What do they call it again? The death of the high street.

No, ye cannae stop progress.

Indeed, you cannot.

I've just been to a smashing place.

BOTH: Hyperdales.

Aye.

Great.

Bet that place suits you down to the ground, eh, Tam? Nice and cheap.

This bad boy was ?45.

Aye, in the sale? Nah.

I looked at the sale stuff.

?20 and that.

And I thought, "Nah.

"Be good to yourself.

" So you've seen a cheaper toaster, but you've plumped for the dear one? Aye.

What? Nothing.

Right, I'm ready for a pint.

Anybody else? See, years ago, you'd would into the likes of Curley's, hand the fella your slip and he'd run around like a blue
-arsed fly getting all your stuff, and at the same time gabbing.

"How you doing? "Did you hear about so and so? "What's your plans for the weekend?" Nice, you know? Personal.

Doughnuts and fresh cream, they're only 30p.

See these bigger places, you're just a number.

There's no contact.

You get your gear and you go.

You try and start a conversation in here, they think you're Care In The Community.

A full tea set there for ?14.

We've got Navid's.

The way I see it, you go to your butcher's for your butcher meat, you go to your grocer's for groceries, baker's for cakes.

all specialising in the one the one thing.

That's a lot of steak for a fiver.

Aye, you would freeze some of that.

Yeah, these bastards are trying to do the lot, aren't they? Jack of all trades, master of none.

And that is what makes them bland.

Jesus, look at that.

You get a free tie with that shirt.

Nice.

Anyway, we've got wur routine.

We get wur pension in Craiglang, and we spend our money in Craiglang.

End of story.

Aye.

The post office is too far away from this place.

I'll get a trolley.

I'll get you by the doughnuts.

That's The g*ns of Navarone, Raid on Entebbe and Jade Goody's autobiography.

Aye.

30 pence.

Each? For all three.

Smashing.

There we go, darling.

Hello, Winston.

Tam, what's this? Just having bit of a clear
-out.

These are all new.

Aye.

Birthdays and Christmases.

I got to thinking, "Somebody else could be getting the benefit out of these.

" They're only taking up space in ma place.

That's very generous of you.

Aye, well, you know.

Now, have you had your lunch? Me? Er, no.

How? There's a steakhouse round the corner.

I'll buy you a T
-bone.

Wash it down wi' a couple of pints.

You'll You'll buy me? Aye, come on.

That's for the weans in Africa.

Can you believe it? The post office has shut down.

They've moved it to the inside of Hyperdales.

Have they? SHOP DOOR OPENS I'm no' paying for that Curly Wurly.

What's wrong with it? It's aw smashed up.

It's in bits.

The whole thing about a Curly Wurly is it's supposed to be one big bit.

Take them all! Have a party! Has he went off his nut? They've got me by the Curly Wurlies.

Jesus, Jack.

Quadruple Choc
-Chip Nutfest cookies, Did you buy these? Eh? Aye, I did, aye.

Here, I've split they steaks up.

That's your end.

Right, I'll freeze these, we'll do yours in tonight, and I'll get the return leg.

That's a good deal, aye.

Have one of them.

Oh, aye.

Suffering God.

That's strange, I can only taste the three chocolates.

Ah, no.

There's the fourth one, there.

Mummy, Daddy.

That's a bastard, isn't it? I was just looking at that there.

60 quid, that's between the two of us.

That seems like a lot, but it's not, really.

Oh, no.

There's enough there to do us for a fortnight.

Puts us in a bit of a dilemma, though.

How? There's us in Navid's, giving it the big un, making out we're all loyal.

The next thing, we're marching right into Hyperdales.

Aye.

But what are we supposed to dae? We're pensioners.

We cannae turn doon value like that.

Aye, but it's still a bit shite for Navid.

Gies a bit of paper.

We'll make a list of things that we can still get at Navid's.

Milk.

Bread.

Ma Trout and Salmon magazine.

Ma tobacco.

Tobacco.

Good one, Jack.

The essentials.

The basics.

Except Navid doesnae have they big huge bottles of milk that last you all week, does he? No.

Right.

Scratch the milk.

That's bread No, no' bread.

They've got the in
-store bakery, sure.

I mean, when I bought that loaf this morning, it was still warm.

Lose the bread.

That leaves the magazine.

They've got the magazine rack just as you go in the door.

Oh, aye.

Right next to the tobacco stand.

'Cleaner to aisle five.

Spillage on aisle five, cleaner to aisle five.

' Jesus.

12p! How is this possible? Ohhh, get it up you, you value for money bastards! Thanks very much, that's marvellous.

You cannae argue with that, can you? Et tu, Isa? Jesus, it's rare and warm, this coat.

Yeah, it looks good on you, too! 60 quid, but.

Is that no' too dear? Is it? Nah.

It's only money, Winston.

Hello, Peggy, sweetheart.

Where are you off to? That's my Simon 18 the morra.

I'm gonnae get him a cake.

He's no' wanting a cake, but he's still ma wee boy, so a cake it is.

18, jeezo.

Wee Simon, eh? Here.

18's a big milestone.

Tell him his first pint's on me.

Away! He was done for drunk driving when he was 12.

Thanks, Tam.

That's good of you! That's no problem, darlin'.

Listen, I think it's great that you're spending, and everything, enjoying it, but people can get the wrong idea about things.

What de ye mean? If people see you throwing your dosh aboot, they'll think there's something wrang wi' ye.

You've got cancer, or something.

A brain tumour.

They might think you've found Jesus.

You don't want people looking at ye, people worrying aboot ye.

So see this mad spending? I think that should just be between us.

So that it's just, like, me that knows aboot it.

You got me? Aye.

Aye.

Keep it quiet.

Aye.

Tam, these bikes are the bollocks, thanks a lot! Enjoy! Kids.

It's a shame.

There's nothing for them tae dae here! Double cream.

Beautiful.

Did you get it? Yes, I got it.

Would you like to see it? Oh, my God.

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

See that criss
-cross affair on the top there? Lattice, they call that.

The colour.

It's golden.

Like it's been fired by the breath of angels.

And it's God's apples inside it, as well.

See the pies in Navid's? They're piss thin, wi' that rotten runny sauce.

You'd need to be Bergerac to find any apples in it.

DOORBELL RINGS Who's that? He's let me go.

What? Navid.

He's sacked me! You'd better come in.

It's Isa.

I don't know what to do.

I've been greetin' all morning.

You'd better sit doon.

You're awfy cut up.

Would you like a slice of cake, hen? No.

I've got one exactly the same in ma fridge.

It's lovely, the lattice, and that.

That's just it.

That's what was in my bag when he caught me.

Who caught you? Navid.

He caught me in Hyperdales.

Oh, the look on his face.

What did he say to you? He said, "Et tu, Isa.

" I never ate two of anything! That's no' what he means.

"Et tu", it's fae Caesar.

It means you've betrayed him.

Oh! It doesnae mean that, Jack! It means you've stabbed him in the back, Isa.

I was trying to be a wee bit mair diplomatic there, Victor.

No, what Navid means is He just mean you're a dirty Judas.

Oh, get a load of Dapper Dan! Aye, the new coat.

You like it? Very nice.

Where d'you get that? He bought me it.

Eh? Aye.

Took me into Marks and Spencers and just paid for it.

Tam? What ye talkin' about? Watch this.

Thank you.

Oh.

Er, I've Here, Winston.

Let me.

Arthur, are you for another one? Arthur for another one too, thanks.

It's like Christmas! April Fools', more like.

What's the joke? There's nae joke.

He took me for a steak dinner, and everything.

He never batted an eyelid.

Just paid for it.

What's the matter with him? I think he's went Well, that's no' right, is it? Not if he's went doolally.

Of course it's right.

He's been leeching off me for years.

If he's went doolally, I'm gonnae ride the doolally bastard like a donkey.

Arsehole behaviour.

No.

I'll tell you who's behaving like an arsehole.

You.

Navid! What? You, ya lousy big sh*t.

Sacking Isa.

Aye! Just because she was gettin' her groceries out of Hyperdales, you bag her?! Get this! He sees Isa buyin her groceries fae somewhere other than his shop, and he sacks her.

Now, wait a minute.

I didnae sack her.

I let her go.

Sacked
- let go.

Shite
- jobby.

That's woman has been nothing but loyal to you! Loyal? Don't talk to me about loyalty.

I've ran that shop since 1975.

And it's been no picnic.

When I came here, I had to put up with a lot of shite.

Neds, drunks, graffiti, but I stuck it out.

Every single morning of life, six o'clock to take in your rolls, sort your papers.

Every single person in here, at one time or another, has struggled for cash, and come to me and asked for tick, and I've given it to you.

And now, for the first time ever, when I need you to show me some support, where are you? Hyperdales.

Shopping like Posh Spice on coke.

Isa wasn't sacked for shopping somewhere else.

She's finished cos I'm finished.

It's finished.

So don't stand there and talk to me about bloody loyalty.

The shop is shut.

Let me get you a pint.

I'm buying.

I'm sick of this place.

Two bloody buses for a daft carton of milk.

Well, Navid's away, and this is us now, at these bastards' beck and call.

I'll tell you another con, an' aw.

See having that post office in here
- that's no' a good idea.

No.

It's not a good idea.

You get your pension there, then you're walking over there, and gieing it right back to them.

Arseholes.

'Announcement to Hyperdale customers.

All meat produce now 20% off.

' Unbelievable.

Aye, it's a beauty.

There's your Uncle Bob there.

An ice machine! Right.

We'll go tell the woman that's the one you want.

Eh Listen, sure it's no' a bit dear? How much is it? 800.

I've got 800.

You're wanting it, right? Aye.

Come on, then.

It's a bad day when you cannae buy your pal an Admiral Frost
-Free Americana ice dispensing cool chest.

Aye, aye No.

Look, Tam.

I don't know how to tell you this.

I've been taking advantage of ye.

How? Tam, you're a dirty miserable bastard.

Eh? No, I'm always buying you stuff.

I know.

I'm talking about before.

I was miserable? Aye.

You were famous for it! Jesus, Tam, you had a cat once, right, and it got run over.

So you got another cat, called it the same name to save buying another collar! I liked the name Missy.

Tam, the second cat was a boy.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't just take ma word for it.

Jack, Victor.

Come here a minute.

Tam, Winston.

What's going on? I'm trying to buy him a fridge and he's calling me a miserable bastard! No, I'm saying Shut up.

He's buying you a fridge? I'm no wantin' the fridge.

I'm trying to tell him he should be a miserable bastard, like he's always been! Aye.

Eh? See when your wee cat d*ed I've telt him that.

'The store is now closing.

'Could all Hyperdale customers please make their way to the exit? 'Till operators, the tills are now closed.

' TENT ZIPS SHU Hello, Navid.

Hello.

What are you doing? Camping.

Camping in a shop? Yes.

What's that on your knee? Nothing.

It doesnae look like nothing.

It looks like a petrol can.

Is there petrol in it? I think you should come out of there, Navid.

No.

Go away.

The store is closing.

No.

Come wi' us, come on.

Leave me alone.

Navid, what is it you think you're doing? Oh, I know what I'm going to do.

I am going to raze this place to the ground.

They'll learn a lesson.

You squeeze the small man.

The small man squeezes back.

This is smashin'! How much are these? Come to your senses, man, eh? I know it's been hard.

You lost your business.

They took it.

But this isnae the answer.

No, this is arson, by Christ.

You'll get 20 year for this! Listen.

This is oor fault.

What you said in the pub You were right.

We've let ye doon.

But we can fix it.

Aye.

We'll all go back to Craiglang.

We'll tell everybody to boycott this shitehole.

Then all your customers will come back.

This place is just a novelty, isn't it? Aye.

And it's worn aff.

Gie it another chance, eh? Come on hame.

Open up the shop.

Just like the old days.

Hello? Anybody there? I've found the lights! It's nae use.

All the phones are internal, and I've been roon every door, but there's roller shutters outside them.

We're in here till the morning.

And that's a bad thing how? Whoa! We cannae go just helping ourselves to stock.

That's got to be paid for.

No, I left the money down by the till.

That's better, in't it? Nae joy, Jack? No.

It's an old
-fashioned lock
-in.

Right.

We getting pished? I would say so.

To me.

HE CHUCKLES So, it's just a case of sitting tight till morning, then.

Aye.

That's what we'll dae.

This is the bollocks! If I had a garden, I'd definitely get one of these! Are you no' getting tired on that bloody thing? No! What have you got there? What it does is, it massages your spine from your neck, all the way doon to your arse.

Jack.

We'll need to get this place cleared up before the cleaners come in in the morning.

Hey.

They locked us in.

We're entitled to make wurselves comfortable.

Aye.

I'm getting hungry.

Ooh, this is magic! Tam.

Tam.

Oh, Jesus.

What happened there? What do you think happened? Ye poured a lot of lager doon an electric chair, you tool! Come on.

I can smell burnt hairs in ma nose! Where are we? Don't start, Tam.

We're in Hyperdales.

We're locked in, sure, cos of this barmy bastard.

We're locked in? A superstore? Wurselves? Aye.

With all this stuff? And naebody can see us? Easy, Tam.

Free stuff.

Free stuff.

Easy, easy, easy! Free stuff! I think we've got the old Tam back.

Free stuff! I'm quite bevvied.

Aye.

That's how you're supposed to eat.

Try one of them, they're lovely.

Prawns.

They only charge 1.

50 for this.

What about Tam? Oh, aye.

Come on! Let me out now.

I'm all right! Look at him.

He's like a bloody demented animal.

Aye.

It's all been a bit much for him, you know? Like waking a sleepwalker.

Here, Navid.

Aye.

Feeling a bit better about things, are you? Aye.

Glad you didn't do anything stupid? Here, boys.

Don't go mental.

You've still got your steak to come.

Navid, gies a wee zap of that petrol.

There you are, sir.

Thanks.

Here, boys.

This is great, huh? You get your pension at that counter, and then you spend it at this counter! Get it up ye! Here, come on and see what I've bought! What? Well, you've got to be good to yourself.

ALL: Hyperdales.

Aye, I got it in the fire sale, dirt cheap.

It still works, too!