01x00 - Comedy Connections

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Are You Being Served?". Aired: 8 September 1972 – 1 April 1985.*
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Set in London, the show follows the misadventures and mishaps of the staff of the retail ladies' and gentlemen's clothing departments in the flagship department store of a fictional chain called Grace Brothers.
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01x00 - Comedy Connections

Post by bunniefuu »

What do Mollie Sugden,
Joanna Lumley, EastEnders

and the Munich Olympics
have in common?

Guessed it?

♪ ..Perfumery, Stationery
and Leather Goods... ♪

Yes. The answer is
Are You Being Served?

We're off on a journey
through years of comedy -

charting the careers of the best
of the golden age of sitcom.

From Hancock's Half Hour
to 'Allo 'Allo and beyond.

Are You Being Served was born when,
in ,

BBC comedy producer
David Croft

met fellow writer Jeremy
Lloyd for the first time.

Our story begins
when Lloyd was known

for playing chinless toffs
on an American comedy show.

# Here comes the Judge
Here comes the Judge

♪ Order in the courtroom
Here comes the Judge. ♪

Dan Rowan and...d*ck Martin.

After Rowan And Martin's
Laugh-in, Lloyd fell in love

with an English rose and
said goodbye to America.

Really I think what persuaded me
to write Are You Being Served?

was Joanna Lumley,
my friend and ex-wife, said,

"You've run out of money,
you've come back from America.

"Why not write about something
you really know about?

"How about your time
at Simpson's in Piccadilly?"

Meanwhile,
David Croft was producing a show

as influential in Britain
as Laugh-in was in America.

I am wearing a toupee.

A wig, if that makes it any clearer.

So if any of you want a good laugh,
at my expense, now's your chance.

'Cause I'm going to show it to you.

While Dad's Army was going
from strength to strength,

It's Awfully Bad For Your Eyes,
Darling needed expert help.

David Croft worked on the scripts
and met Jeremy Lloyd,

appearing with wife Joanna Lumley.

The Croft and Lloyd partnership was
to last longer than the marriage.

I think, while we were doing that,

he told me of a show
in a department store.

In fact, he had written it
as a gentleman's department

because he had experience of that.

I thought it'd be fun
for them to share the department,

so there was conflict,
and Are You Being Served? was born.

The pilot script
was written in three days.

For Jeremy, it was easier than
measuring inside legs for a living,

though not always as pleasurable.

The lift operator should be here to help
us move. Never mind! Come along.

Oh, Miss Brahms! What?
Pull your skirt down!

Some of them were at Simpson's, yes.
The Captain Peacocks were there.

Mrs Slocombes were in a department.

Slightly more upmarket Mrs Slocombes
but the same. Mr Humphries was there.

Croft and Lloyd found their perfect
Captain Peacock

in an actor displaying his
tail feathers in Steptoe And Son

and Hancock's
most famous half hour.

Do you come here often?
This is my th time.

There's no need to boast!

How much did you give
to the Arab refugees? Oh, really!

Come on. You're shouting about how
much blood you've given.

How much did you give to refugees?
I gave £ .

Oh, well, there you are. I mean...

'I was known as a useful type,
you know.

'I'd do one episode of that.'

I didn't make a fortune
but worked regularly -

supporting my wife and daughter.

But then,
Are You Being Served? came along.

Suddenly Frank Thornton disappears
and there's Captain Peacock.

I'm afraid the whole occasion
just...overcame us.

Can we have a little more decorum,
please?

In , David Croft's
first comedy caper was

Hugh And I, with Terry
Scott and Hugh Lloyd.

The girl in the crash helmet

would soon own
the most famous p*ssy in comedy.

We're going to the coast. Brighton?

Nothing so common.

Hove.

I thought Mollie'd be marvellous as
the frosty lady behind the counter.

People come in for that reason -

you know them
and they'll make a great job of it.

He said, "Oh, there's something
we've written with you in mind."

I said, "Ooh, what is it?" He said,

"You'll know.
You'll get the script quite soon."

In about two weeks
I got Are You Being Served?

From the DM stroke CR to FW stroke
L&GD stroke SP, RE: T.

Captain Peacock?
What language are you speaking?

After the old battleaxe,
the handsome hunk.

Rummaging around in the ITV hit
The Dustbinmen,

Croft got his hands
on Trevor Bannister.

Hey, Mam! What? The Dustbinmen!

It was enormously popular - .
million viewers on its first episode

and maintained that for episodes.

Never been done before or since.
It's in the Guinness Book Of Records.

I'm like Winston Churchill, you see.

Naturally brilliant,
but no good at exams.

Or, to put it another way...

I'm just ignorant. Mr Breathing,
I don't care about ignorance.

Give us a bit of pigging bliss!

I went down to the famous Gerry's
club, which is where all of us go,

and I bumped into a man called
David Croft whom I'd not met before.

He said, "I'm glad I've met you.

I have a script for a pilot
and I want you to do it."

I said, "Oh, well. Great, fine."

I read it and,
er...thought it very amusing.

Croft added little-known actors
Nicholas Smith,

John Inman and Wendy Richard
to make the g*ng complete.

The pilot was recorded
and they waited for

Are You Being Served? to debut
in the Comedy Playhouse.

If the ratings were good, and the
management liked it, it was on.

The BBC didn't like the pilot.

They disliked it so much,
that when the series of short plays

called Comedy Playhouse was on,
they didn't show it.

And then they had a disaster
at the Olympic Games in Munich,

where there was a terrible tragedy.

They suddenly had blank screens,
they needed something,

and somebody reached for the nearest
show - Are You Being Served?

They put it on,
million people saw it

and sufficient numbers of
them absolutely loved it.

And we took off from that.

It got such a reaction, they said,
"We'll book this one for a series."

And that was it.

But that wasn't quite it.

The BBC were unsure about giving
Grace Brothers their custom.

One of the staff
was causing a problem.

Camping!
I beg your pardon...

Bill Cotton, running the BBC, said,

"The show's wonderful,
get rid of the poof."

And I thought, which one's that?
"John Inman."

I said, "He's a sissy. He's a bit of
a mother's boy and he walks funny."

But it never occurred to me
that he was overtly a h*m*.

I said, "Bill, there's no show
without a poof. It's vital."

And David is reputed to have said,
"Well, if the poof goes, I go!"

The poof stayed.

The poof stayed, Are You Being
Served? opened for business

and audiences flocked to it like
the first day of the Harrods sale.

There was no honeymoon period before
we really got up and running

on the first series
after the pilot.

Sometimes you get a mix of actors
and it might take them two series,

even longer
when you've got a largish cast,

for them to really know each other,
to trust each other.

And...that wasn't the case with us.

Morning Mrs Slocombe, Miss Brahms.
Captain Peacock. One minute late.

You're lucky to have me
at all, Captain Peacock.

I had to thaw me p*ssy
out before I came.

When they came to a scene they knew
how to work on it, to rehearse it,

where the laughs were, timing.

It took million years
to build resources of coal and oil.

In the space of short years, man
has ravished them. Typical of men!

The fact is, we cannot get enough.

BOTH: True.

They knew how to play an audience
and hear the reaction

and it's a great art.
They were absolute masters at it.

Keeping men interested in shopping
was Wendy Richard as Miss Brahms.

Leggy, lippy - a saucy seaside
postcard come to life.

You've got a problem there.

Well, you men should know.
We haven't got the same problem.

I remember at work saying something
about, "I'm the sex symbol"

and John Inman said, "No, it's me."

And I believed him. But, if you saw
the fan mail and stuff I got...

I was so thick -
Wendy, not Miss Brahms -

that I didn't realise, you know, to a
load of Americans and other chaps,

Miss Brahms
really was quite a sex symbol.

And I never realised.

Wendy had previously been in ITV's
Please Sir! and On The Buses

and was also the first Essex girl
in ancient Rome.

Soppia! Please! Leave him alone,
the young master.

I know where he hasn't been.
Now, find your straws and get out.

I've still got them on.
Straws, not drawers!

Ooh, she is common! She really is.

Oh, you mean those straws.
Straws, yes. Come on, then.

Here you are. Having another raffle?
What? Raffle. Yes.

This time you aren't the prize!
Oh, dear, poor soul.

What a weight to carry all day.

Wendy had also appeared
in Dad's Army and The Likely Lads.

Her earliest link with Croft was
an episode of Hugh And I, now lost.

It began her comedy partnership
with Mollie Sugden.

I think it was probably one of her
first jobs. She was very young.

And, er...so we had
a little basis to start with.

She was wonderful
to be behind the counter with.

We spent a lot of time
behind that counter.

Mostly, if you're not doing a scene on
television, you just go away and chat.

You couldn't in
Are You Being Served?,

because there was a chance they
would see you in the background.

You had to be behind the counter.

I can't think of anyone I'd rather be
behind a counter with than Wendy.

She was so interesting, and
fascinating, and, er...great fun.

So...and there was a slight mother
and daughter feeling about it.

There still is a bit.

I-I still...worry about her and...

..want the best for her.

By the third series the show had
entered the national consciousness

and workplaces
would ring with, "I'm free!"

Everyone had a favourite. A number
rooted for big-ears in the office.

Everything down, Miss Ainsworth?
I've taken it down.

"Knock, knock.
I believe you wanted a word.

"I've been waiting, Mr Grainger.

"Do you recognise this book?

"Yes. Take everything down, Miss
Ainsworth. I've taken it down."

Don't put down what YOU say!

Shall I put that down? No!
Let's start again.

The thing about Rumbold, I read the first
script and thought, he's an eager idiot.

He misunderstands everything.
He's also devious.

Like many of the cast,
Nicholas Smith was

no stranger to comedy when
David Croft came calling.

He'd been in Doctor In The House,
Up Pompeii and The Liver Birds

and had perfect preparation
for Rumbold on The Frost Report.

The council has decided to advance
a grant to improve your property.

You're going to have a row of pylons
across your vegetable patch.

He thought hard about
Are You Being Served?

So pin your ears back for Mr
Rumbold's theory of comedy.

It's extremely difficult, I think,
in modern society

to write comedy either
for theatre or television or films,

because most comedy is based on
there being rules you can't break.

I think I should tell you, Sir,
we're not doing the dance.

But you've got to.
The answer is no.

You've got to find a situation
where there are rules.

If I topple, I'll drag you with me.
You get nowhere without a reference.

The men are behind me, Sir. True.

Nicholas is right. Take away the funny
costumes and Bavarian Oompah band

and Are You Being Served? Is a
comedy of manners in an institution.

Add some catchphrases
and p*ssy jokes...and fame awaits.

I was decorating my bathroom.

Er...when it first happened and...

I went for some thinners,
for some turpentine,

to Woolworth's in
Portobello Road.

I lived in Notting Hill Gate, then.

I was att*cked by several ladies
with prams screaming,

"There he is!" It went in a phase.
It was, that's him from the shop,

that's Mr Humphries and then,
thank God, it went to -

Ooh, look, there's John Inman.

It was a great success and at one
time we had over million viewers.

When it's on now there are
younger viewers who enjoy it.

By , Are You Being Served?
was so successful

that the obligatory movie
of the hit series was made.

The comedy connections
start sh**ting off

in all directions as the
stars get their own shows.

John Inman was lured to ITV with
his own show and new character.

Well, sort of.

And THIS is what I want.

Hundreds on the assembly line.
We must keep the wheels

of this rock factory
turning faster than ever!

Turn the wheel
and let's get cracking!

Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft

gave Mollie Sugden a star vehicle
that sent her into space.

Do you know, I still get letters
saying, when will you do more?

At my age! Can you imagine me
floating about on a wire now?

Come Back Mrs Noah was a good idea
which David Croft had about, um...

using, um...Mollie Sugden, basically,

as a lady that won an atomic kettle
in the year

and went to the British
space station to investigate it,

pressed a button and it took off
with a bulb changer, two scientists

and somebody else
who couldn't do anything.

We had great effects but only six
shows 'cause the BBC didn't like it.

But of a shock to you, Mrs Noah.
It's a bit of a shock to all of us.

I should think so -
I've left a chicken in the oven!

Come Back Mrs Noah shows Croft's
unofficial repertory company.

Ian Lavender from Dad's Army
was the man in the specs.

Co-stars Michael Knowles and
Donald Hewlett were in Dad's Army,

Are You Being Served? and in the
comedy, You Rang M'Lord?

They're best remembered as Ashwood
and Reynolds in Croft's next hit.

Teaming up with Jimmy Perry,

It Ain't Half Hot Mum combined a
forces setting with social comedy

and gave us class warfare
in the jungle.

SHUT UP!

The Army has its own hierarchy

and everybody knows what it is.

Is that the only hat you've got,
Gunner?

Yes, Sergeant Major.
It's MO's orders.

It protects me head from the sun.
I've got very thin skull bones.

Well, you know why that is, don't
you? No. You've got a huge brain.

It's rubbing inside
and wearing your head out.

When you're on location and you
have a lot of extras on the show,

er...you find that the private
extras gather in one section

and the officers gather in another
section... They're all extras!

They sort of associate
with their own rank.

I say! These are working men's caps.

I was in India, um...and Malaya

and my partner Jimmy Perry ran a concert
party for the royal a*tillery in India.

It was second nature.
Any complaints?

If I may say so - the diet
is very monotonous. Monotonous?

Monday you had corned beef hash,
Tuesday corned beef fritters.

What's monotonous?

Not bad, Sir. The only
trouble is they get

the same thing every day.
It's as bad for us.

I'm fed up with chicken.

'Jimmy and David
would observe people's mannerisms.'

I remember an incident in Ain't Half
Hot when Donald was in the Navy,

during the w*r,
and was chatting at my desk.

He said, "I was in the Navy.
I did training -

the worst two weeks of my life
before I was commissioned."

A few weeks later,
this was in the script.

When I was in ranks
the food was uneatable -

worst two weeks of my life.
Carry on!

With material that close to hand,
no wonder the hits kept coming.

David Croft moved into the ' s
with Oh, Happy Band and Hi De Hi.

A kind of It Ain't Half Cold Mum
in a holiday camp.

Meanwhile,
his protegee Mollie Sugden

was larger than life in That's My
Boy, which ran for six series -

five more than John Inman's
Take A Letter, Mr Jones.

That was lucky because he was free
to go down under

and remake Are You Being Served?
which couldn't live without him.

The excuse was made that they
couldn't find anybody camp enough.

But, when I got there,
that was totally untrue.

Welcome, Mr Humphries. I'm Mr
Dunkley I'm very proud of my floor.

You've got a nice shine.
What polish do you use?

I wasted a lot of videotape because
I couldn't remember their names.

Having done so many episodes
with Slocombe and Peacock,

it was difficult to remember
Crawford and Wagstaff.

Mrs Crawford and Miss
Buxton, her junior.

May I say how pleased we are
and I am unanimous in this

and that goes for my assistant.

Mr Bankovitch will be over you
and Mr Randall will be under you.

Just like being at home!

At home, audiences hadn't
taken to Oh, Happy Band

but Hi De Hi, with its
nostalgic setting,

and familiar characters,
became a ratings smash.

♪ ..Off we go again... ♪

I used to produce shows at Butlin's
and Jimmy Perry was a redcoat.

We knew all about
the Butlin world

and the structure of holiday camps.

# Be sincere

# In everything you do

♪ Be sincere
Is all I ask of you. ♪

It was a world we knew well

and we depicted it, I think.

HI DE HI-I-I-I!

So, between and , David Croft

and collaborators Jimmy
Perry and Jeremy Lloyd

had created Dad's Army,
Are You Being Served?,

It Ain't Half Hot Mum and Hi De Hi.

That's four more sitcoms than most
people manage in an entire career.

But the question was, what next?

We finished Are You Being Served?
then we decided

we'd write something sort of Upstairs
Downstairs, and we had two days on that

and we were just doing the downstairs
part and I wasn't enjoying it.

Either something's going or not.

So I lay under the table
to have a think and thought,

what about the French Resistance?
I phoned and he was in bed.

I said, "I'm not enjoying
what we're doing.

"What about the French Resistance?"

Oh, Rene!

Oh, Yvette! At last we are alone!

Hold me! Kiss me!

Oh!

It seems so very long.

What does?

It seemed an ideal setting because
there was danger, excitement, er...

seduction. You know, generals to
find out what the plans were, etc.

Um...hiding people.
The central thing

is a cafe everyone comes to.
The perfect set, really.

Good moaning. You stupid woman!

When we had the best of any pair
or threesome, in any scene,

we could cut elsewhere quickly.

Listen very carefully - I shall say
this only once. Heil h*tler! Club!

It has great pace. You will put it
in 'ere and clip it to a pigeon.

You, Rene, will write about
the uniforms we require.

Here is the paper
supplied with the cylinder.

What shall I say? To London,

please supply urgently, by parachute

drop at your earliest convenience,

German uniforms as follows...

With 'Allo 'Allo, Croft and Lloyd
perfected the style of comedy

they first used on Are
You Being Served?

Find a situation full of conflict,

fill with strong characters
and add catchphrases and gags.

Make it nostalgic and satirical
at the same time - et voila!

The partnership couldn't end
without those who brought it together.

In , they took Grace Brothers
away from the shop floor

and gave them a country hotel.

In Grace And Favour
we actually went on location.

Lovely locations in the Cotswolds,

on a farm.
It was... It was great fun.

There's a rumour that you
weren't on your own last night.

I wonder where that came from!

Well, don't look at me!

Do you know? I don't feel like
breakfast. I'll go for a manly walk.

I might pop into the village
and buy a pipe...

DEEP VOICE: ..and a couple
of ounces of St Bruno.

In my opinion it should never
have been called Grace And Favour.

It should be, as it is in America,
Are You Being Served Again?

Some of the others
didn't like it so much

because we lost this hierarchical
thing we had before.

I said to Jeremy,
when we did the second series,

"I think it ought to be emphasised
Rumbold is managing the hotel.

"Thus, we can produce
friction." And he said,

"I think you're right."
I think that's what happened.

In , David Croft OBE produced
one last series for the BBC

and marked the privatisation
of the railways

by taking a swipe at the
industry in Oh, Dr Beeching!

But like the age of steam,

it looked like Croft's style
of comedy had run out of puff.

On the train!

Lots of us are all part
of David Croft's repertory company.

In fact, years ago, on
David's This Is Your Life,

I sat with Mollie and we
had tears in our eyes

because we're very proud of David,
apart from being fond of him.

I looked at everyone and I thought,
"He's made stars of all of you."

With hindsight, how fortunate
to be in that period

of great comedies
and to be part of them.

It's belonging to a fellowship, I suppose,
that I don't think will be repeated.

That was a golden vein,
no longer there.

For many of us
they'll always be ready to serve,

in a store
that will be forever England.

This gentleman is going
to a fancy dress do

and wishes to use the gent's
facilities to try it on.

The gentleman's department
will be suitable.

This way, please. Thank you.

Mr Grainger, are you free?

Sorry, Captain Peacock - I'm going
to have my coffee in the staff cafe.

Mr Humphries, are you free?

I'm busy pricing ties, Captain.

The gentleman
wishes to try on a dress. I'm free!
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