35x02 - A Mid-Childhood Night's Dream

[bunniefuu]

[BORED TEENAGER OVER P.A.] Attention, shoppers, a mother's love is forever, but Mother's Love rat poison is only on sale till the end of the day.

Aw.

[BIRDS SINGING]

Mommy! I was waiting by the window.

Can I carry the bag with the milks?

I'm really strong.

[BART GRUNTS]

I drew you picture.

Yes, she did.

She drew it in pudding.

[MARGE] Oh. Pretty.

But we should clean that up.

No!

- No, no, no!

- Fine, fine, fine.

- Pudding mommy can stay.

- No k*ll pudding mommy!

You should've seen when I

ate part of ketchup daddy.

[CRYING] No!

Look what I got.

[GASPS]

Oh, I love you, love you, love you.

Oh, let's play bubbles now.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

This is a perfect moment.

[SOBBING]

Marge, what's wrong?

It it's slipping away.

You need to stop that.

W-What did you say?

Bart!

- Whee! I'm flying!

- Ah! [GRUNTS]

Bart! Bart! W-What is happening?

No!

Oh!

Oh. [MOANS]

Oh, no. He popped.

No, no! Don't sue me, Dracula!

[GROANS] Did you say something?

Oh, I-I was dreaming about

those bubble parties

we used to have with the kids.

But I was so sad.

Why were you sad?

Because I knew it was gonna end.

[YAWNS]

I get it. That's why, for me,

the last foot of a

six-foot party sub is

bittersweet.

[GASPS] Honey, you're drenched!

[GROANS] It's bubble juice.

Oh, honey, you don't look so good.

I mean, I think you look great,

but someone else, say, a doctor,

might be alarmed at your pale skin

that is both hot and cold.

Why did we eat at Tuesday

o'fridayhan's last night?

[GROANS] I had three

glasses of froz-sé.

And a couple froz-oody Marys.

[LAUGHS] We got pretty hammered.

Ugh. And then we bought hot dogs

from that sketchy street vendor.

Oh, but they smelled so good.

- Wrapped in bacon

- Hmm?

sizzling in that hubcap

Oh.

[RETCHING]

- Ugh.

- Homer, don't listen.

We have to keep the [RETCHES]

romance alive!

[GASPS] I wonder why

you didn't get sick.

The clinical term is:

I'm all throwed up.

Should we call Dr. Hibbert?

No, no, I-I'm good now, it's all gone.

All better.

Ooh, bounce-a-thon is tomorrow.

I don't think you're gonna make it.

I'll call the school in the morning.

[GROANS] I have to go.

I volunteered for three jobs

on pta-martyr.com.

Frickin' pta-martyr.com.

[SNORES]

Where is he?

Peek-a-boo!

[GASPS] Oh.

[LAUGHS]

- Where is he?

- [CLOCK TICKING]

Where's my special little guy?

Bart? Where are you?

[BART WHISPERS] Don't let go.

[WHIMPERS]

- Hmm?

-

It's okay.

Your coat.

- [ECHOING LAUGHTER]

- Bart?

Can somebody help me?

I've lost my little boy.

Bart!

Oh no. I was just about to b*at

these mutant houseflies at tennis.

What do you want?

I've lost my-my little boy.

[HOMER] You know this is a dream, right?

[THROUGH DIDGERIDOO] Bee-eer-err.

Well, that would explain a lot.

[HOMER] Yeah, in the waking world,

I'm not great at didgeridoo.

Is this one of those dreams

where you know you're dreaming?

There's a name for it,

somebody once told me

I'm the one who told you.

That's right.

I'm your inner Lisa.

I remember everything

Lisa ever said to you.

Exactly the way you heard it.

Really?

So you can tell me what Lisa said

about dreaming when you

know you're dreaming?

Yep. It's a scientifical concept called

"Lucy dreaming."

It was invented by sleep doctors

from a country somewhere.

Wow. She's as smart as old Sheldon.

Since this is your Lucy dream,

you control everything that happens.

So I'm the one making Homer an otter?

Yes. He appears in many

forms in your dreams.

Dad's an otter because yesterday

he was lying in a kiddie pool,

eating nachos off his belly.

It's a table that's always with me.

[LISA] Sometimes Dad's a clown,

sometimes a potato,

sometimes a clown-potato.

And sometimes,

he's both of the Property Brothers.

- Why am I these guys?

- Why am I these guys?

Never mind, I know why.

But why am I having

nightmares about Bart?

Did something happen?

How do I look at recent memories?

It's your Lucy dream, you decide.

Oh. So I can decide that all

my thoughts from yesterday

are stored in, I don't know, the oven?

Sure, why not?

Hmm.

- [MARGE] Hmm. Here we go.

-

[BART] Mom! Come quick!

[MARGE] Whoa!

I'm here. I'm here, Bart. What happened?

- Splinter.

- Oh. That's it?

It's kind of bleeding.

Maybe not.

[GASPS] When did your hands get so big?

They're bigger than mine.

I dunno. Maybe I got freaky-big hands.

Tweeze, please.

I guess it's been a while

since we held hands.

Ew. Did you get it?

- Hmm.

- Thanks.

So that's why you're having nightmares.

Bart is super rude

and full of splinters.

Maybe. Or maybe I'm just

sick off hubcap hotdogs.

Why would awake-me eat those?

That doesn't seem like awake-me.

After enough booze slushies,

you think you can do anything.

I challenged the valet

to an arm wrestle,

but he turned out to be just a sign.

Why was I drinking frozen wine

in a casual dining chain restaurant

on a school night?

I dunno.

After our meeting with Bart's teacher,

you said you needed a drink.

Hmm.

- Hmm

-

Whoa!

Look, whatever Bart did,

we'll pay to have it cleaned or replaced

or for its therapy or

Bart hasn't done anything.

I'm meeting with all the parents.

Even the normal kids. Oh!

Bart is normal.

I-I mean, we don't say normal anymore,

I mean

I-I'm talking to all the parents.

You're not special.

I-I mean, you are, but

What did you want to talk about?

As you know, bounce-a-thon means

we're getting close

to the end of the year.

So it's a good time to talk about

the transition to fifth grade.

You know, last year of elementary school

and then it's on to

middle school and then

- Middle school?

- [RUMBLING]

Then everything changes:

Girls, acne, dr*gs, body odor.

Listen, I've taught fifth grade.

Please buy your fifth-grader deodorant.

Like, real deodorant,

not the "natural" stuff.

They may look like children,

but they smell

like nervous cab-drivers.

The point is: don't freak out.

Okay. About what?

Well, some parents start thinking,

"Oh no.

This is the end of my kid's childhood."

But fifth grade isn't the end

of Bart's childhood, right?

I mean, technically,

it is the last year of it.

- [CHUCKLES]

- [GASPS]

[WHEEZING, GASPING]

Did you find out what happened to Bart?

It's what's going to happen.

He's going to grow up.

Mm.

Damn kid.

It was such a strange dream.

Bart was four

and he was so adorable.

I'd almost forgotten there was a time

when Bart was the sweet one,

and Lisa was the difficult one.

[LISA] Uh, to be fair

I'm only 18 months old,

so to be going through

my terrible twos now

is actually pretty advanced.

Crap, I'm still dreaming!

[GASPS] Bounce-a-thon!

I'm coming, too!

- [LISA] Yay!

- [BART] Aren't you sick?

I thought I heard you barfing.

No, that wasn't barfing.

That was loud, sloshy burps [GAGS]

- [BOTH] Ugh.

- I signed up for snack,

so I have to make marshmallow trea

[GAGS] I can do this.

Just have to melt some margari [GAGS]

Don't worry. Super-Dad is already

making the marshmallow treats.

Which krispies did you use?

Rice or cocoa?

I'm making my own.

The rice is krispying as we speak.

[POPS]

[GAGS] Oh,

it smells like you've burnt it!

No problem, I'll moisten it

with the last of the eggnog.

[GAGS]

I'm throwing up stuff I ate years ago.

I think I saw wedding cake.

You really should stay home.

Oh, maybe you're right. [GROANS]

This will be the first

bounce-a-thon I've ever missed.

Oh, missing stuff is the greatest.

When I do stuff,

I have a fear of missing

out on missing out.

You know: Fo-moo-mo.

Homer, listen,

you have to do this for me.

Take a picture of each kid

giving a thumbs-up at the finish line.

It's for my scrapbook.

I've already made windows

for each school year.

[GROANS] Bart,

thumbs-up slowly past Daddy.

Give him time to focus.

Mom,

there's no easy way to tell you this,

so I'm just gonna say it.

At school, I'm becoming known

for taking cutting-edge,

no-holds-barred comedy photos.

It's true.

I've heard fifth graders say so.

So, w-what are you saying?

There's no way I can do a

thumbs-up at bounce-a-thon.

- What?

- It will ruin the brand

I've been building since picture day.

My fans expect me to

top inside-out eyelids

and scotch tape nose.

You don't understand

the pressure I'm under.

But this is for the bounce-a-thon album.

So you'll always remember bounce-a-thon.

But I don't even like bounce-a-thon.

I'm making fun of bounce-a-thon.

What?

None of us kids like bounce-a-thon.

It's not very cool.

Well, you thought it was cool last year.

Bart, just one thumbs-up, please?

[GROANS]

I'm sorry, but no.

Crazy pictures is my thing now.

You should respect that this

is just how I am this year.

Bart, you sound so mature and grown up.

[CRYING] I hate that.

[SOBS]

[SNORES]

[LOUD GROWLING]

Run!

- Something's coming!

- [GASPS]

[PANTING]

This is silly. I don't need symbolism.

I know what I'm afraid of.

And it's not a bear. Sorry.

[GRUMBLING]

[SIGHS] It's not a nightmare.

It's reality.

Bart's growing up.

I should've treasured every time

he held my hand because

I don't remember when he stopped.

The poet Kahlil Gibran once said:

Parents are bows

Like bow-and-arrow bows?

from which children are

sh*t forth as an arrow-thingy.

The bow doesn't feel sad when it sees

how far and true the arrow flies.

Well, the bow feels a little sad.

The bow doesn't want to lose touch

and the arrow has never been

great about answering texts.

[SNAPS]

But even after Bart grows up,

you'll still have Lisa and Maggie

Oh, my God. Lisa and Maggie!

It's going to happen with all of them!

Oops.

[RUMBLING]

Bart is just the beginning.

[RUMBLING]

One by one

[RUMBLING]

all my babies

will leave the nest.

[RUMBLING]

I'm going to lose all of them.

♪

Honey,

we mustn't break awake-you's brain.

Remember those commercials

where they show you

what depression is like?

A raincloud follows you everywhere,

you get sucked into sofas,

and when it gets really bad,

your wind-up monkey stops clapping.

[GASPS] Look!

Look, Bart's at a playground!

Bart! Bart! They have your favorite

back-and-forth riding-thingy!

The duck, Bart! Ride the duck!

Bart!

[CLICKS]

No!

Okay, maybe I am being

a teensy bit negative.

[HOMER SNIFFING] Okay.

A little brain-hurricane.

My time as a mom will

eventually come to an end.

I'll have to fill my days with

a bunch of stupid hobbies.

I don't want an Etsy storefront!

It's not happening now.

So it's silly to be sad about it now.

It's like going to work on time.

There's no point.

I want to show you something.

Whoa!

I'm coming, too.

- [LISA] Yay!

- [BART] Aren't you sick?

I thought I heard you barfing.

Freeze it right there.

Now, watch it again

but this time look over

- here.

- [DIALOGUE REWINDING]

I'm coming, too.

- Yay!

- [BART] Aren't you sick?

- Mommy's coming ♪

- I thought I heard you barfing.

Yes, she is ♪

Do, do-do, do, do, my mom. ♪

[GRUNTS] Ha!

She's rehearsing her thumbs-up.

Oh.

Oh, I was so sad

that Bart had outgrown

the bounce-a-thon,

I couldn't see that my

sweet Lisa still loves it.

For now.

Next year,

she'll probably turn on it, too.

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you

to get out of the dark place, please.

You're right.

Bounce-a-thon still means a lot to Lisa.

So, what are you

like, my feelings police?

No, I'm pretty sure I'm here

because, deep down,

you're attracted to me.

The uniform, the low center of gravity,

my thick, syrupy voice. [CHUCKLES]

I don't think so.

If anything, I'm into Eddie.

Yeah, he's a beautiful man.

I love that Lisa was so happy

I was gonna be there.

I should be there for her.

I've got to get to the bounce-a-thon

before Lisa's childhood slips away.

How can I wake myself up?

Oh. Well, this'll do it.

[GASPS]

Okay, looking good, feeling good.

[GAGS]

[RETCHES, PANTS]

Even better now.

I'll be there, Lisa, I won't miss it.

[VOICE OVER RADIO] Or a

pickle and egg sandwich

from Joey Mayonnaise's

sandwich creamery!

Where the hospitality is

as warm as the mayonnai

[GRUNTING]

Okay, I ruined the car.

But mommy's s-still coming, Lisa.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, I got to sign up. Okay. Username?

Uh, bounce-mom.

Taken. Fine.

Uh, barf-mom.

Taken? Really?

Borf-mom.

What? Oh, come on.

Marge.

Oh, that worked.

[RETCHES]

[RETCHES]

Ah! [GASPS]

I'm here, Lisa.

I promised to wear this, uh,

humorous wig for bounce-a-thon

if we had 30 lice-free days and,

uh, well,

we had 29,

but I'm just going to assume that today

is going to go well.

And on the bounce track right now,

the second grade.

[GASPS] That's Lisa's class.

Excuse me, excuse me. Let me through.

I'm here to support my child.

Yeah, well, guess what, Princess blue,

we're all here to support our kids.

So stick that in your

g-string and make change.

I'm sorry, I'm very,

very sick and I just

Sick? W-What kind of sick?

I don't know. Some kind of, um,

I don't know, pox or plague.

[ANXIOUS MURMURING]

[MARGE CHUCKLES]

[SNIFFS]

Oh, no. Food smells.

It's okay, I'll just hold my breath.

[INHALES]

Must get picture.

[PEYTON] Mrs. Simpson?

D-Did I get the picture?

I took a photo after I passed out?

Yeah, we had to pry

the phone from your hand.

I've been kind of a wreck

since our meeting.

You know, when you said

Bart's childhood is over?

[GASPS] I did not say that.

I would never say that.

Bart's childhood isn't over.

I did notice that you got very quiet

after I mentioned middle school.

You didn't say anything else.

Except to ask about happy

hour at Tuesday O'Fridayhan's.

Wait, you didn't say

he was heading toward

girls and dr*gs and acne?

No, of course not.

Oh, my gosh, that was a dream.

I should have noticed that

you were 17 feet tall.

I ate bad things last night.

You didn't say we had to buy

Bart deodorant next year.

Oh, no, no, no, I did say that.

That part is very important.

Strong deodorant.

Hey, Bart's got a lot of childhood left.

I mean, he scores in the 50th percentile

for knowing his right and left,

which is, oh, not a test score

I should have said out

loud at a school function.

[SIGHS]

Are you going to be okay?

Yes. I'm just going to lie here

until the school stops spinning

[SNORES]

Ah.

Feeling better?

Mm-hmm.

I missed the picture,

but Lisa was so happy to see me today.

So, for now, I'm happy.

And who knows what the future holds?

Bart could knock up

his high school girlfriend.

You could have grandchildren

before Maggie starts kindergarten.

Wouldn't that be nice?

[SIGHS] Time to wake up.

[POPS]

[GASPS] Oh.

[CHEERING]

Here he comes.

Mm. My funny little guy.

[CLICKS]

[GASPING]

Oh

[LAUGHS] That's

That's really good.

[LAUGHS]

[PANTING] Did you get the picture?

Was my cr*ck centered?

Oh, Bart, it was perfect.

You liked it?

I loved it.

Thanks. Wanna go to the dunk t*nk?

The gym teacher I hate is on the chair.

Sure. [GASPS]

[BART CHUCKLES]

Let's dunk that sucker.

[MARGE SNIFFS]

And on the way home,

let's go deodorant shopping.