01x04 - The Cursed Mirror

[bunniefuu]

- Who are you?
- I am a dark spirit

that has lived
inside of you your whole life.

I am Water's Shadow,
the shadow of the water.

A shadow in the water?

No, pay attention.
The shadow of the water.

Okay, that makes sense.

But wait,
if you've lived inside of me,

then you know where I came from.

You know who left me
at the orphanage.

Yes, and I know
you are at a crossroads.

But in order for you to know
what path to take,

you must know the road
that led you here.

I know the key to your past,

but in order for me to help you,

you have to help me.

There is something I have not seen

because you have not seen it.
Something I long to see...

The King's Speech.

- The movie?
- Yes, a wonderfully meticulous

period drama starring Colin Firth
about a king overcoming

his crippling fear
of public speaking.

- I don't know if I want to see it.
- The King's Speech or no answers!

The King's Speech,
a story of perseverance...

sh*t.

- Renaldo?
- Hey man,

I wanted to call you earlier,
but I ran out of minutes.

- Are you busy?
- I just met a parasitic demon

that lives inside me,
but I'm free now. What's up?

Dude, Bianca Nova wants
to work with us!

- We have to go to Los Angeles.
- It's already 3:42?

It was just 3:41 a minute ago.

If only there was a way
of knowing when the minute

was going to change...

They should put a seconds hand
on that clock.

Are you almost done?

No, time never ends.

And neither does my energy,

thanks to Hierbalite's
Level Up vitamin drink,

a complex mix of B-12 and other
natural energy boosters.

- What are you doing?
- Their advanced formula keeps me

- hydrated and replenishes...
- Tati, we have to sell those.

Since you said we had
to get rid of the products,

I've been drinking them.

- How many have you had?
- Eighteen?

- Today?
- No, this morning.

Tati, we have to make
a payment soon,

and if you keep drinking them,
we won't be able to sell them,

and we'll have to pay for them
ourselves.

Why did we have to meet
all the way up here?

I see. Since she can't control anything
in her life,

she's running the seconds hand.

A little task she can control.
I like that for her.

But she's 22 minutes off.

Úrsula, you didn't reply to my message.
Aren't you excited?

I'm excited, but we can't just
go to the US and work.

We need visas, and that's a slow
and costly process.

And the other big problem is
I don't want to fill out any forms.

Hold on. I know who we can call.

And another iconic
American corporation over here,

and another over here.
Hey, are we out of the Dunkin' ones?

Ambassador Gibbons,
the spooky people are here.

It's Renaldo, and some other people.

Okay, everyone leave.

Get out unless you're Renaldo,
his friends or me.

So, I guess that just
leaves you, Jessica.

I'm sorry, this is the end
of the road for you.

You led me astray. You told me
the bangs were good

when they were a total disaster.

People laughed in the face of America.

I understand. I won't forget everything
that I've learned here,

and even though I won't become
the next American ambassador,

I've met some amazing girls.

So hard to let girls go.

- So, what brings you here.
- We have...

Wait, you know what I need?
I need to find my translating gem.

Well, we were offered
an amazing opportunity

- to work in the United States.
- My god, you have to stay downtown.

Sure, but in order
to go, we need work visas.

I love that, and I
can do that like this.

But I have another idea.

I give you the visas, and in return,
you get something I need.

- Okay.
- It's a... highly sensitive

diplomatic matter.
It's top secret, really hush-hush.

I have a week's vacation
coming up. I'm going to Tulum,

and I'll finally have
some time to just relax.

Just me, the sun, the sand,

and my seven security guards
surrounding my private beach.

But, obviously,
a week is not enough.

I need to add on
an additional week after that.

And there's only one way
of doing that,

and that's by faking
my own abduction.

Right on.
We can take care of that.

Were you thinking like
a tradition alien abduction

or something with a ransom?

I don't care. Whatever it is,

just make sure everyone
at the office sees it,

let them know that I'll be gone
for a full two weeks,

and that if I come back
with a tan, it's no big deal.

Sure, we can make
that clear during the abduction.

I'm not done.
Wait, I am.

Yeah, we'll do all that for you,
and you get us the visas.

I'm getting abducted!

And this time it's fine
because I organized it.

Great. It's a done deal.

Ambassador Melanie,
since you're going to Tulum,

you'll probably want to lose,
gain, or maintain weight.

- I have a great product that...
- Yes! Whatever it is, yes!

Yeah, the one
about the king and the speech.

I think it won an Oscar
a few years ago. Do you have it?

Andrecito, my son...

Yes, Mother... or are you?
Et cetera.

What's this about
you not marrying Juan Carlos?

I'm focusing on other things.

Besides, I don't think
I'm ready for that.

Did you not like the ring?

Of course, I liked the ring, Father.
It's just, well...

- Why do you care so much?
- Maybe you should start to care.

Here you are in this beautiful home,

enjoying the beautiful pool
on this beautiful plot of land.

And all thanks
to the family business.

And for the family business
to thrive,

it needs to expand.
And what better way to expand

than through the union
of chocolate and cookies?

It's not an unreasonable request.
We've given you so much

and never asked for anything
in return.

- Plus, you like that boy.
- And if you like these things,

it'd be a shame if they went away...

Is that a thr*at?
You wouldn't dare.

Yes, son, we would.

As a matter of fact, we've taken
full control of your finances.

Every penny you spend
will need our approval.

- Like Britney Spears.
- Like Britney Spears, yes.

Until you prove
you're no longer reckless.

I'm leaving. Bye, Mom!

Where are you going
dressed like that?

Mom, I already told you.
I'm a Red Bull girl now.

I've dreamt of being
a Red Bullette my whole life.

First Hierbalite
and now this? No.

Mom, Hierbalite was just a phase.

Red Bull is my real passion.
It gives me wings.

No. Go back to your room. Now.

So, I need you here when I get
back to help unload groceries.

I don’t want you complaining
that the ice cream melted again.

- Okay.
- And I have to tell you,

the pretty neighbor
came looking for you again.

She said she wants to sleep with you,
but hasn't had the chance yet.

I think it's time for you
to sleep with a girl.

Mom, I already told you.
I'm not interested in sex.

Horror is my only passion.
How many times do I have to say it?

Plus, the only thing I care about
right now is getting to Bianca Nova.

Please stop trying
to distract me with that.

Alright.

Anyways, as I was saying,

Melanie wants us to fake
an abduction.

What if we trap her in a mirror?

I know I pitch this for every gig,
but think this time, it actually fits.

You mean like a cursed mirror
sort of thing

with a bizarre parallel universe
inside it?

- Exactly.
- Let me see

how we could do that. I got it.

If we find a little room
where we can hide,

we could use one of those
two-way mirrors

and build a mechanism
to slide the mirror out

so the ambassador can enter
our secret room.

That's perfect.

What do you think, Andrés?

Andrés?

I'm having second thoughts
about the engagement.

To make a long story short...
actually, it's a pretty short story...

my parents will cut me off
if I don't marry Juan Carlos.

Dude... You shouldn't marry him
for money.

You have us. You don't need
any of that stuff.

I don't know.
Maybe you're right.

Look, Andrés... all my life,
I've busted my ass working.

Sometimes, I can barely pay my bills,
but I'm independent.

Meanwhile, you're bound
to your parents' will.

Is marrying Juan Carlos worth it?

Sure, you're not gonna live
in a mansion,

and have nice clothes,
and go on spectacular trips,

but is it worth
sacrificing your freedom

just for some luxuries?

- I'll marry you.
- Thank you for cooperating.

Love wins.

But it's a "yes" with an asterisk:

I'll marry you, but I'll
continue doing my spooky stuff.

I trust that your priorities
will change once we are married.

Well, while I have you here,
I need your opinion

on my 2019 Latin Webbies
Awards speech.

I have to wow them.

"Esteemed fellow influencers,
it's an honor to speak

to the most successful people
on YouTube.

We are successful
because we are beautiful,

and we are beautiful
because we are good..."

Hello to all my fans.

Thank you so much
for watching my GoFundMe video.

So, like, what happened is that
I was on my way

to give canned goods to a church
and out of nowhere,

an airplane hits me like, bam,
on the head.

You know, like a bitch.

And, anyway,
click the link in my description

so you can see
my other GoFundMe video

where my TV was taken from me
by a large tornado.

Thank you and God bless.

Wow. You got so many done today.

Every time you open your mouth,

all I hear is
"bitch, bitch, bitch."

That's too bad. I'm sorry.

I can't take all this abuse.

That just...
Here, you can watch it.

Tico. Tico!
Tico, there you are.

I've been knocking
and knocking on every door.

Excuse me,
can you please keep it down?

- Sorry.
- I found him!

The man I've been looking for.

The man who saved my life.

I cannot thank you enough

for reigniting the flame
of inspiration in me.

Now, what should this movie
be about?

I don't even wanna know
who this woman is,

but it is clear you are using again.

I never used.

Let's get
to the business of creating.

Now, what should this movie
be about?

I'm not really creative, but my
nephew's coming with his friends.

We can wait for him.

No, no, no, no. No.
If we don't start writing today,

I'm gonna go home
and swallow a bowl of marbles.

Three o'clock?
That can't be right.

Well, I hope it's right.
I just had lunch.

- Hello.
- Thank you for coming

all the way up here.
I think you're really gonna like

Hierbalite's Nutri-Boost Powder,

which regenerates
at the cellular level.

All our products are very healthy
and come with a guarantee...

Excuse me.

Welcome to Tati.
It's three o'clock.

Hi, I'm calling from Hierbalite.
Your payment...

Please, I'm trying to make a sale

while I manage time... call my sister.

- Hello?
- Hi, I'm calling

from Hierbalite Collections.

- Is this Miss Úrsula I'm speaking to?
- Yes.

Well, good evening
to you and your family.

This is just a friendly reminder
that you're out of time.

Where's my money, bitch?

Do you know who the f*ck
you're talking to?

I'm the Hierbalite CEO, Mark Stevens,
and I personally handle collections.

Chasing down people like you
is what I live for.

You have five days to come up
with my f*cking money.

Please remain on the line
for a brief survey

about our call today.

Mark's threats were:
A, concise and articulate,

B, a little vague and confusing,
C...

- BUY MIRROR
- ABDUCT MELANIE

- WALK FRUTSI
- GET VISAS

Hi, Renaldo.

- Hi.
- I'm Carmencita, your neighbor.

Your mom let me in.
I'm so happy to finally meet you!

I've come by so many times,
but you're always busy.

Your mom is so sweet,
and your dog is so cute.

I love families.

What are you up to?

I'm k*lling time...
between spooks.

- What do you mean?
- My friends and I have a horror group,

and when I'm not doing horror,
I'm waiting for more horror.

Yeah, your mom said you're crazy
about that spooky stuff...

That's why I got you this.
It's a present!

God is love

The Bible says so

God is love

Saint Pablo says so, too

God is love

Search for him And you'll see

In 1 John 4:8

In 1 John 4:8

- Okay.
- Well, since you're not busy right now,

I'd love to have sex with you.

Thanks, but no thanks.

It's really nice of you
to offer yourself like this,

but you're trying to tap
into a part of me

that I've locked away
and don't intend to deal with

for a very, very long time.

Okay.
Well, I understand, Renaldo.

I guess I'll have to move again.

Hopefully, my next neighbor
will have time for Carmencita.

- Yes, right?
- Right?

- See ya! Take care!
- Yep. Bye.

I'm sorry.
I think those are mine.

Excuse me?

Don't worry, if you want,
you can keep them for 190 pesos.

What is it?

Hi, Andrés.
It's just gonna be you and me.

Renaldo is busy, and Úrsula
is selling Hierbalite.

- I'm not here yet.
- No worries.

I'm running late.

Take your time.
I'm already here but I can wait.

- Hi, Tati.
- Hi. Today was tough. I got fired again.

Apparently, I can't do one job
while I'm at my other job.

Hello! Look who showed up!

- Hi, Pony.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- Hi, Pony.

- You know each other?
- Of course!

She took
all the photos for our catalog.

There's some new mirrors that arrived
that you're gonna love.

We have top frames,
bottom frames,

the dominatrix, and my favorite...
the Queen Sofia.

- I love it.
- And this little purse?

Someone's going shopping!
Well, I'll let you browse in peace,

and if you need anything, let me know.
Like ecstasy, for example.

I'm kidding...
just little jokes I make.

Not even Tati buys ecstasy anymore.

Well, we have
to find a mirror that...

What's that?

What's Pony hiding
behind this curtain?

It might be too big,
but I think... It's perfect.

What am I doing with my life?
Horror is your passion.

You all know what you're doing
with your lives, but...

What am I doing?
Where am I going?

I can't break in shoes.
I can't count steps.

I can't help people lose, gain,
or maintain weight.

I can't keep time.

I fail at everything I try.

I mean, where will I be
in five years?

What if it rains?
I don't have those kinds of shoes.

Some people enjoy the journey
more than the destination.

I just consoled you.

You know, my dream
is to be Cirque de Soleil.

- You want to be in Cirque de Soleil?
- No, I want to be Cirque du Soleil.

- You want to be a gymnast?
- No. Well, part of me would have to be.

The rest would be the tents,
the audience,

the shirts they sell
on your way out...

The parking, the receipts
for the shirts... I see.

Look, Tati, there are
many mysteries in the world,

but if there's one thing
I'm sure of,

it's that you will be
Cirque du Soleil.

Pony!

- We'll take this one.
- Perfect!

That one is cursed.
I'm just letting you know

because some people don't like that.

Cursed...

- It doesn't matter. We'll take it.
- Perfect.

And then the werewolf...

What's a fun, interesting job?

A job?
A parking valet.

That's good. Yes.

So... so then,
the werewolf is a valet.

And then... it's nighttime.

That's always good.
Nighttime is good.

And then,
he goes to the valet stand,

and all of a sudden, he...
he can't find the keys.

And so, the lady, she's really mad.

She says, "I've been waiting
here for two hours.

And I've got another party to go to,

and you're holding me back,
and I should sue you."

This is so good.
It's very real.

And then she says, "Are you okay?

Why are you a werewolf?"

"Why are you a werewolf?"

Who should the girl be?

Anne Hathaway?

That is...
that's just wonderful.

I'm so tired. You type.

- Beep, beep.
- Tico, are you gonna make it?

I can't right now. I'm helping
my friend,

make a movie to write.

Tico, what little adventure
have you fallen into now?

Don't worry.
I sent someone else, okay?

Hello. It sucks that you're all
by yourself right now

because your owner
was talking to me earlier

and calling me
something like a bitch,

but I guess you're the bitch
now, right?

Well, thank you,
Úrsula. I had a lot of fun.

You know what I was thinking?

That we could be together forever.

Carmencita...

I'm gonna have to say no.

You still have a lot to learn.

Well... I guess it's time
for Carmencita to move again.

Because that's the only way
to stay a virgin.

Because when you move,
no one knows your past.

- Whatever you like, Carmencita.
- Of course, well...

I hope your horror stuff goes well.
Take care.

Bye.

My god, it's so big!

And it's for Melanie.

- We have to tell Melanie.
- Melanie!

Melanie, you have a package.

When Tati counts to three,

Andrés will release the smoke
to distract them

and then Úrsula receives Melanie
when she crosses to this side.

No? Úrsula?

- Yeah?
- Yes, we'll receive her.

Look at that ring!
Who's the lucky girl?

It's true... I decided
I'm going to get married

despite your very vocal and frankly,

very on-point disapproval
of the situation.

Listen, please do me a favor
and let's finish this gig well,

- and we'll talk later.
- That's fine with me.

Ambassador Gibbons, how do you
think history will remember

your country's response
about the border crisis?

Border crisis? I thought this was
for People en Español

and you were going to ask me
what's in my bag.

- Melanie, a package just came for you.
- Thank God.

She's here! She's here!

A present for me?

I wasn't expecting anything
at all today.

And right before my one week
vacation. Who's it from?

The card just says, "Hell".

Fun!

- It's a mirror.
- It's a beautiful mirror.

But maybe it's a political statement
forcing us to examine ourselves.

No, get rid of it.

No, it's okay.
It's just a mirror. Okay.

This is going great,
just like we planned.

You're coming with me,
Ambassador Melanie, for two weeks.

Your one week of vacation,
plus an additional week.

What happened? Where is she?

- My god! She's gone.
- Who's gonna tuck us in at night?

Is she here? She's not outside.

Úrsula, what happened?

I don't know.
I'm just as confused as you are.

I think she's actually trapped.
It was an enchanted mirror.

I bought an enchanted mirror
because it was the most beautiful.

Andrés, come on...
We agreed you'd buy a normal mirror.

Úrsula, see what happens
when no one listens

and everyone's doing
their own thing?

You were supposed to be on top
of this.

Right, of course because everything
is always my responsibility.

What the hell happened?

Where's that voice coming from?

There she is!

Okay, now I'm stuck
in some kind of mirror void?

I thought you guys
were makeup artists!

Yeah, I mean, that's what we do...
part of what we do.

Well, this sucks.
Now I'm gonna miss my flight.

Ambassador Melanie,
I understand that you're upset,

and we're very sorry.
But we still need those visas.

Honey, I'm stuck in a mirror.
I'm not giving you sh*t.

You get me out of here,
I'll think about it.

We've gotta get her out of there.

You better get me...

I think we can get her out
through the mirror she went in.

We can't go out there,
they're frolicking.

We have to wait
until the embassy closes.

Forget what I just said.
Now they're sleeping.

Careful, you have to slide it!

f*ck.

Well, now she's trapped.

Let's go.