05x05 - Carpe Diem

[bunniefuu]

PAT: One, two, three...
♪ Don't break my... ♪

Hip, slap
♪ Achy, step, ball

♪ Just don't
Turn and clap

♪ And down, two, three, four. ♪

Is Annie-versary.

Pardon?

Is th. Is Annie-versary.

The day that Annie went whoomph!

Is Annie-versary.

Must we do this every year?

♪ Hey! ♪

Don't forget to touch your hat,
because we're all cowboys.

Hey, is Annie-versary.

GROANS

Not this again.

We never met her, Robin.
Hey, pay attention, you lot, please.

You're going to have to know
all these moves

for this afternoon's rehearsal.

ROBIN GROANS

Right?

OK.

PAT BURBLES

PAT: ♪ One and two and three... ♪

Annie-versary.

ON TV: ..spotting the pattern
in what had, for millennia,

seemed like
random astrological events.

And his mathematical model
allowed him to predict

the comet's next appearance,

proof that even in the seeming
chaos of the universe,

there is always order to be found.

ECHOING: Found, found...

Oh. And then...

STIFLED LAUGHTER

Oh, OK. Yeah.

I know it might look a bit silly
with me up here on my tod,

but it'll be amazing
once we do it all together.

There is pattern!

There is pattern to when we move on.

OTHER GHOSTS: What?

One of us go whoomph...

GROWLS

..today.

INCREDULOUS ARGUING

I'm telling you.

I done the math!

It is written in the stars.

And the moon and the comets

and the number of days
before the equinox.

Come on. Ridiculous!

What? It complicated,
but I tell you,

there is sequence between Lizbeth
and William and Annie and Mary.

And I don't know who,

but before clock strike
midnight, one of us...

Whoomph!

It's so exciting. The next layer.

I wonder who of us it will be.

GRUNTS

Calm yourself, Katherine.

I mean, this is
just superstitious hogwash.

Bilge, bunkum and toffee!

No, thank you, Robin. No, thank you.

I've heard enough. He's right.

PAT: Hey, well... Eh, eh...
Everyone?

Everyone?

OK, well, let's just call
it a day for now, then.

Don't forget group rehearsals
at five this afternoon.

OK?

I was clearing one of the attics

and I found a few baby bits
from when Flix had Trix.

Felicity had Trixibelle.

My daughter had my granddaughter.

Oh! Oh, oh. OK.

Thought they might come in
handy for him or her.

That's so nice. Thank you.

You can just pop it down.

No problem at all.

JINGLING

Thanks.

So, where should I pop
the other bits?

Oh, erm...

I'll just stick them
along the wall, shall I?

And I'll be back later
with the rest.

The rest?

HUMS HAPPILY

So, what,
we're just supposed to believe

in a bunch of caveman maths?

I mean, I've seen
some dodgy arithmetic in my time -

I was briefly made Chancellor -

but this really takes the biscuit.

Yes, if I thought for a moment
this were true, which I don't,

I certainly wouldn't spend
my last day on Earth

learning how to line dance.

Well, quite. Yeah.

You'd be making the most
of every last second,

going through your bucket list,

or the ghost equivalent is sort of
already-kicked-the-bucket list.

Ha-ha. Bucket list?

Yeah, you know,
all the things you wanted to do,

but never got around to.

One last chance
to let your hair down.

Maybe do a bit of skinny-dipping,

race a motorbike or bungee-jump,

whatever floats your boat.

Well, we all know what floats
your particular boat, don't we?

Ha-ha, yeah, quite!

I'd be doing
what I did last time. Yeah.

Going out with a bang, so to speak.

Though it takes two
to do that particular tango.

There isn't really anyone here to...

Uh...

Here to what?

SHUDDERS

Nothing. Just...

I'm ju... Mm.

Yeah, boy!

Greg's booking up Ibiza
and wants to know if we...

..have a baby by then.

I will not be going large
in Ibiza, Gregory.

Life's about to change, isn't it?

Yeah.

But we'll still do what we do,
though.

Like, not Ibiza, obviously. Yeah.
But we'll still be us.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think so.

Like, some things will change
cos, well, they'll have to.

Yeah, we'll just be more...mature.

Mm. Yeah, settled.

That sounds depressing. Yeah.
I don't know why I said it.

You know what we should do?

Hmm? Have a big night out.

Like... Like one more massive bender
before the baby comes,

before we have to pretend
to be grown-ups.

Yeah? Do something wild.

Mm. Like, spontaneous.

Get wrecked!

Well, you'd have to get wrecked
for both of us, but...

Like that night we had in Options?

We get the g*ng together.
Yes. Yes, that.

We'll get dressed up.
We'll go on the town.

♪ And we'll have a party

♪ We'll have a party! ♪
She's coming.

Oh, and she's coming. Oh, no.
She cannot come.

Not coming. Wow.

Hello. Here for rehearsals?

No, not...
Not really my thing, dancing.

No rhythm?

No legs. Or arms.

Or body, at the moment.

GASPS

Oh, it's fine.

I'm used to it. No.

What if it's you who moves on?

If you and your body
aren't together,

you might go without him.

Or him without you.

LAUGHING: I don't think
it works like that, does it?

Does it?

SERIOUSLY: Does it?

I think better safe than sorry.
Come on.

I can make you whole again.

GROANS

Oh, Atomic Kitten!

LAUGHS

Ha! Oh, yeah. Very good.

I think I heard him
on the main staircase.

Hey, Kitty.

Erm, Kitty?

Rehearsals?

Kitty, my love?

Where is everyone?

You can't line dance with three.

It's not a full line.

Yes, more of a hyphen.

And we need Julian for the music.

I can't press play!

What use the hymn,
what worth the choir...

Erm...

From the wedding stanza of
Hermione And Roger.

Oh, of course.
Yes. That's classic.

It's an absolute classic, innit?

What use the hymn,
what worth the choir...

Wh-wh-wh...

..with none to hear their song?!

Ah, yes, that's the badger.
That's it.

How can you not remember?

I must have recited it times.

BOTH: .

And not a word went in?

SMACKS LIPS

Well...

I know I never found the fame
I deserved in the outside world,

but I hoped at least my work
would be remembered

within these walls!

TEARFULLY: This is my legacy...

What on earth's got into him?

Ha. I blame Robin.

He's got everyone at sixes and
sevens with his hocus-pocus.

Yeah.

You don't believe any of that,
do you?

That one of us is going today?

Oh, good Lord, no.

Heavens, no! Nein, nicht, negative.

Absolutely not. No. Ha!

Do you?

Oh, no. No! Ha.

AMERICAN ACCENT No, siree.
Not me. No, sir. No, ma'am.

Right, yes.

Well, erm, perhaps I can
help you gather the troops,

get this operation back on track.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, just spontaneous.

Just tonight, just like...
..couple pre-game tequilas... Great.

Ah, right. Yeah. Yeah.
Cool. OK, cool. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Well, great. Well, erm...
Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well... Yeah. All right, then.
Well, we'll see you soon.

See you then. See you soon.
All right, bye. All righty.

No. They can't make it...
They are not coming. ..in the end.

Do you think we should move it
to next week?

Like, give people more notice?
No. What?

No, we can't forward-plan our
spontaneous night out.

No, it's going to be great.
Obi's coming with his girlfriend.

It's going to be
exactly like last time.

Except different girlfriend,
but still... Yeah, still,

If you've got Obi, then you've got
yourself a party. %.

Yeah, yeah.
♪ Gonna be a party

BOTH: ♪ We're gonna have a party
Gonna be a party

♪ Gonna be a... ♪
Ow. You OK?

Cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp.
Cramp? Oh.

It's gone, it's passed. Yeah?

♪ Gonna have a party... ♪

Well, perhaps you're in the kitchen.

HUMPHREY: Yeah, could be.

Huh.

What is it?
Half your age plus seven?

That's...

No. No, no. No, no, no, no.

Oh, well, I guess I'm all out of...

..options...

WATER RUNS

MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS

Fanny.

Alison. What is a bungee jump?

A bungee jump is basically
when you just jump

from somewhere really high up
and, like...

Ah. No, no, no, no.
I've done that. A lot.

Was there a reason that you...?

No, it doesn't... OK.

All righty.

That lipstick? Yeah.

Is it an experiment?

No. Oh.

Unbelievable.

UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC: All Eyes On Me
by William Davies & Edward Nutbrown

Turn it up.

VOLUME INCREASES

♪ They're uncertain 'bout
my language

♪ Me speaks the money,
the money speaks clear

♪ If it ain't 'bout the money,
then they don't want it. ♪

MUFFLED MUSIC BLARES

Ooh!

Mm-hm, yeah.

MURMURING ASSENT

JULIAN: Guess again!

I told you,
I can only count to five.

Well, double that and add...

I wouldn't know how.

, OK?

I'm worth million!

You're boring me.

GRUNTING IN RHYTHM TO THE MUSIC

Oh, yeah.

CHUCKLING

He's getting it!

Hi!

How high can you count?

To ten.

Close enough.

Guess how much I'm worth.

There you are! Come on, you.

Let's get you back together,
all ready for the off.

HUMPHREY: Ooh!

It can be a bit skittish sometimes.

No eyes or ears, see.

Easy. Yeah.

Easy, boy.

Come along, poppet.

Yeah, don't corner it...

Don't corner it! No...

Argh!

Well, don't just stand there,
after me!

KITTY HEAVES

CAPTAIN: Robin, ha! There you are.

You are aware that rehearsals
are at five?

Patrick's in a terrible tizz.

Sorry.
I must have lost track of time.

Just saying goodbye
to my mouse family.

Snuffles, Maisie and Graeme Souness.

Take care of each other, guys.

Right!

GRUNTS

SIGHS
I think that all my affair in order.

You know, if it's me who...

You really believe it, don't you?

This theory of yours.

Oh, yeah.

Before clock strike midnight,

someone is going up to the stars.

And that doesn't worry you?

I've been here long time.

Yes.

I'm ready.

I want to see what's next.

Ha!

So you think it will be you?

Could be!

Could be you.

Ah.

WHOOSHING

Eh?

STAMMERS

GRUMBLES

KITTY: He's getting away!
HUMPHREY: Faster!

Thomas?

Mate?

Are you coming back
to the line dancing?

Look at them all.

Surviving the ages,

standing erect
in their leather jackets,

shoulder to shoulder,
looking down on me

with their smug little eyes...

..and As and Es and Os and Us
and all the consonants.

Yeah, well, you know...

Your work might not be up
there with that lot,

but you'll always be remembered
in this house, mate.

We all love your stuff.

It's kind of you to say, Pat,

but let's be honest,
none of you remember a word of it.

Home is not the walls
or the gardens

Home is the souls within those walls

Home is the memories made
on this spot.

That's Fanny's poem!

I'm not even the best poet
in this house!

BARCLAY: Annabel!

Annabel?

I'll just leave it here.

FANNY: Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoooooo!

CLUB MUSIC BLARES

Yes! Whoo!

Hiya. Hi. What can I get you?

Tequilas! Please.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, please. Sorry.

And a sh*t of water,

but also with salt and lime.

Right, so one sh*t of water
and one tequila?

No, no, still two tequilas because
he's our designated drinker.

Wow. Good luck.

Yeah! Whoo!

Coopers! Yes!

All right! Hello.

Hi! Bring it in. Hi.

This is Mike and Alison.

And, guys, this is Brenda.

Nice to meet you, Brenda. Hi.
Sorry, it was...?

Brenda. Yes, that's what
I thought you said.

Brenda. Nice to meet you.

Brenda?

Right. Drinks!

Brenda? Yes, please.

White wine for me. OK.

Large white wine.
And he'll have a tequila.

Actually, I might have a wine.

What do you have
in the way of whites?

Not too dry, but flinty.

We've got that one or that one.

Then the Sauvignon, please.

We're into wine.

OK. Yeah, that.

And four more tequilas, please.

Whoa! And another water.

I haven't had these two yet.

All right, well,
you'd better get on it.

CHURCHILL ON RECORDING: We may
allow ourselves

a brief period of rejoicing.

CAPTAIN: I was commanding officer!

LAUGHTER

GASPS

Right, line dancing!

EXHALES

Well, now there's not even a hyphen!

Hello?!

Captain?

Anyone?

SIGHS

SADLY: It only works
if we're all together.

SHOUTS

Yes, got it!

Humphrey?

GRUNTS

I made you whole again!

Yeah!

GASPS

Atomic Kitty.

GIGGLES

NECK CRACKS

DRUM & BASS BLARES

Yeah. Oh, I'd love that.
Sounds amazing.

Absolutely, I'd love to.

She's lovely, then.

SHOUTING: What?

I said, "She's lovely."

It never used to be
this loud in here.

I think it did.

LOUDER: I think it did!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I suppose. Yeah.

Suppose that's the point, isn't it?

Maybe we should go and dance.

Um, actually, I think
we're going to head off.

What?

I said I think
we're going to head off!

I heard you, but, no, you can't.

We... We're being wild and crazy.

We've got early starts tomorrow.

I'm going to Ikea
and Brenda's got this...

I've got a bank manager
meeting first thing.

Oh, God. Boring!

What for?

Because I'm a bank manager.

OK, well, you can't just go,

because Mike's already gone
to get more drinks.

I don't think he has.

Yeah, he's been drinking
for two all night

and, well, he's been gone
a really long time.

BANGING ON DOOR

Right, whatever you're doing
in there, stop it and open up.

SLURRED: Five minute...

All right, I'm coming in.

What are you doing in there?

I'm having a nap.

I've been a bouncer for nine years,

and this might be the saddest thing
I've ever seen.

Mate, go home.

Yeah.

What time is it?

Ten past .

What?

What happened to me?

You got old, mate.

Can't sleep?

Too much energy.

Not enough dancing.

You're not worried, then,
about what Robin said?

AMERICAN ACCENT: Oh, no, siree!

I ain't worried an eensy li'l bit.

Right, it's just you keep slipping
into an American accent, Pat.

Hell no! No, siree, I...

Oh, my God, I do. Mmm.

I haven't done that
since I were in the queue

for Black Hole at Alton Towers.

Carol thought I was having a stroke!

PAT SIGHS

It's me fear response, apparently.

Hmm.

PAT SIGHS

I don't know, mate.

What if he's right?

I mean, I don't know
the rules to all this.

None of us do.

But if one of us
is going to go today

and there's only minutes
of today left and, well...

Do you want to know something?

HIGH-PITCHED AMERICAN ACCENT:
I scared!

Me too.

I tried to dismiss it,

but some part of me must believe it.

I mean, I've considered some
pretty desperate things today.

Yes. I, too, have found myself
musing on mortality.

Oh, yeah? Hmm.

What have you been up to?

Oh, you know,
just thinking about the Bible.

You're awake too?

Good.

I wanted to say sorry, Pat,
about earlier.

It's just so very hard knowing
I leave no legacy when I go.

PAT SIGHS

Oh, Thomas...

We might not remember
your poems, but...

But we'd remember you.

PAINED: Not so tight on
the arrow, mate!

Sorry! Sorry.

ROBIN: Well, well, well, well.

All got there in the end, eh?

Can't argue with the math.

KITTY: Oh! Everyone back together.

GIGGLES

All ready for the off.

And speaking of back together...

Ta-da!
PAT: Humphrey!

Oh, thank you. Thank you.
There he is.

THUD!

Oh, dammit!

MUMBLING: I've got it. I've got it.

NECK CRACKS
CHUCKLES

It is nice to be together
again at last.

Ha.

You know, it's funny,
this is all I wanted, really.

When I d*ed,
I didn't get to be surrounded

by the people I loved, but now...

..well...

..I'm ready.

Yes.

SOFTLY: Ready.

Well, no, actually.

If this is it for me, then...

..well, there's something
I have to tell you.

Where to begin?

It was .

I'd been posted to Weymouth
since the end of ' ,

but when Berlin fell,

I heard chatter on the wires
about an event being held

at my old command, Button House.

GUARD: It's a veterans' event, sir.

Decorated officers only.
If you're not on my list...

I was commanding officer here!
I've got my orders, sir.

CAPTAIN SIGHS
MUFFLED CHATTER

Very well.

THOMAS: You've heard
about these things...

Such and such horsepower or...

ROBIN: If it have horsepower,
where is horse? Ah!

Of course,
knowing the house as I did,

it was simple enough to find
an alternative entrance.

Hey!

THUD!

Ah.

Not my most dignified moment,
but I HAD to be there.

Which meant I HAD to blend in.

TOILET FLUSHES

Oh!

MUFFLED CHATTER

CLEARS THROAT

Oh! Terribly sorry. Oh, so...

Captain! Ha! Is that you?

Cartwright, good Lord.

Wah! I haven't seen you
since, what, ' ?

Gosh, must be. Yes.
Sorry, I've just...

Never had you down
as front-line material.

Where were you posted?

Oh, well...

Forward Command, actually. Yeah.

Versailles. Versailles?

I was in Versailles!

You weren't in Versailles.
Were you in Versailles?

Well, briefly,
before I moved to, um...

To where?

Sorry, I really must just...

That's not even the right way up.
What?

What are you trying to pull here?
Erm... Ha.

Well, the thing is, I...

Sorry, I... No, no.
Explain yourself, man!

What's all this?

My old CO, sir.

Never left Blighty,

trying to pass himself off
as the bally hero.

No, please, I, erm...
Where did you get these?

Hmm? No, I, erm...

HEART THUMPS

I... I can...

How dare you?!

Have you no shame?

HEART THUMPS

QUIETLY: What's wrong with that man?

CLATTERING

CAPTAIN GRUNTS

Sir! Sir!

Huh?

Well, fetch a medic!

Medic?

CLEARS THROAT

Are you all right? I'm sorry.

I had to find you.

I'm here.

CAPTAIN GASPS

I...

I...

SOFTLY: I know.

CAPTAIN GRUNTS

Anthony...

James...

I was no hero.

Perhaps.

But you are a brave man.

ROBIN: Yeah. Yeah.

MURMURED ASSENTS

Indeed.

CLOCK CHIMES

CLOCK CHIMES

I'm ready.

CLOCK CHIMES

CLOCK CHIMES

CLOCK CHIMES

CLOCK CHIMES

CLOCK CHIMES

CLOCK CHIMES

CLOCK CHIMES

CLOCK CHIMES

CLOCK CHIMES

CLOCK TICKS SOFTLY

Actually, thinking about it,
it might be tomorrow.

GHOSTS GROAN
Last time I'm listening to you!

Thinking about the numbers...
ROBIN GRUMBLES

So, what do we do now?

Well, we are all together.

OK, so it wasn't the perfect night.

You could say that.

Maybe if Hannah had been there,
it would have...

It wouldn't. Let's face it.

You can't recreate a good time.

They just happen.

Like a little bit of magic.

It's either there or it's not.

Yeah, well, I wanted the magic.

Hey. There'll be more magic.

I know it won't be the same
once there's three of us,

but we're going to have
the best times.

Loads of them.

And I don't know what they'll be

or when they'll happen...

..but isn't that the joy of it?

You're really wise sometimes.

I've had a lot of tequila.

MUSIC: Achy Breaky Heart
by Billy Ray Cyrus

♪ He might blow up and k*ll this man

♪ Ooh... ♪

JULIAN: Hey, hey, hey!
CAPTAIN: Alison!

KITTY: Come on, join in!

Come and join us! Come on, Alison!

Join in!

What?

ALISON LAUGHS

♪ Don't tell my heart,
my achy breaky heart

♪ I just don't think he'd understand

♪ And if you tell my heart,
my achy breaky heart

♪ He might blow up and k*ll this man

♪ Ooh

♪ You can tell your ma
I moved to Arkansas... ♪

Are we still on?

♪ Or you can tell your dog
to bite my leg

♪ Or tell your brother Cliff... ♪

I should warn you,
I'm riddled with plague.

You only live once.

♪ Don't tell my heart... ♪
I mean, Christ knows what I've got.

♪ I just don't think he'd understand

♪ And if you tell my heart,
my achy breaky heart

♪ He might blow up and k*ll this man

♪ Ooh

♪ Whoo! ♪