[RIK HOWARD & BOB WIRTH'S
"TOGETHER" PLAYING]
♪ Here we are, face to face ♪
♪ A couple of silver spoons ♪
♪ Hopin' to find
We're two of a kind ♪
♪ Making a go
Making it grow ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ We're gonna find our way ♪
♪ Together ♪
♪ Taking the time each day ♪
♪ To learn all about
Those things ♪
♪ You just can't buy ♪
♪ Two silver spoons together ♪
♪ You and I together ♪
♪ We're gonna find our way ♪
♪ You and I together ♪
♪ We're gonna find our way ♪
♪ You and I together ♪
Hi, Dad.
Hey, son.
Look.
Genuine m*llitary camouflage.
We got it at the Army PX.
Whew, that's a relief.
I thought you enlisted.
How come you're back so early?
Uncle Harry sounded off
to some general
that women were
ruining the Army.
Oh, yeah,
what happened?
She had the MPs throw him
off the base.
Where's the old
smooth talker now?
He's parking your Mercedes.
My Mercedes?
No wonder I can't find my keys!
Why didn't he take his car?
He said it wouldn't be able
to take the test course
where they try out new tanks.
Eddie, my boy, something's wrong
with your transmission.
You better have it looked at.
Harry, I'm gonna say this
in a language
that I know you'll understand.
[YELLING]
Now hear this!
You never take my car again!
Got it, soldier?
Got it.
By the way,
you're low on gas.
There's a great w*r movie on,
The Longest Day.
Oh, yeah! That's the one
where John Wayne plays me.
It makes your tummy sing,
Chicken Charlie.
♪ Yummy yummy
Yum yum yum ♪
[IMITATES CHICKEN CLUCKING]
Did you ever eat his chicken?
It tastes like ribs.
I know that idiot.
You know Chicken Charlie?
Yeah. Charlie Morrison.
We were master sergeants
in the Army together.
Of course, he was
a better dresser then.
Have you kept in touch?
Nah! We weren't exactly buddies.
We were always trying
to top each other.
If I ran my squad miles,
he'd run his .
If I made my men scrub latrines
with a toothbrush,
he'd make
his men use matchsticks.
Sorry I missed that.
Yeah.
You know, the last thing
that turkey buzzard
said to me
when we left the Army
was, "Harry, you'll never
make it in the real world."
Shows you how wrong he was.
Yeah.
Why don't you give
the old turkey buzzard a call?
Well, I've been thinking of it,
but, uh, I've been
too busy lately. No, no, no.
Why don't you call him
right now?
He'd be blown out
if he knew the Pentagon's
always calling you for advice.
That's a good idea, Rick,
but I can't do it right now.
I've got to...
I gotta get some java.
Hi, kids.
Don't let me bother you.
How are you doing, Katie?
Hi, Uncle Harry.
The cinematography
was incredibly panoramic.
You like panoramic?
Try the view from the top
of the bridge at Remagen.
Did I ever tell you
how I saved that bridge?
No more than , times.
Did I tell you?
Uh, Edward told me.
Kate?
Is that where you slapped
General Patton
and told him to pull
himself together?
It was for his own good.
RICK:
Uncle, could you
come here, please?
Coming! I'll be right back.
I love it when Harry tells
World w*r II stories.
Did you know that
one time he single-handedly
annoyed a German platoon
to death?
What's the panic, kiddo?
Guess who wants to talk to you?
[IMITATES CHICKEN CLUCKING]
Charlie?
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want that bum
lording it over me.
Lording it over you?
This man dresses like a hen.
Talk to him.
No, no, no. Forget it.
Come on. Invite him to lunch,
maybe cook up a deal together.
Oh, no, no, no, no...
Hey.
You know...
that's not a bad idea.
Great.
You're a born leader, young man.
Are Kate and Edward still going
to that Jets game tomorrow?
Yes.
Okay.
Charlie, you old son of a...
g*n.
Yeah. Hey, hey, yeah,
we ought to get together.
Why don't you come out
to my estate on Long Island?
What?
Uh, say tomorrow
around, mmm, : .
We'll have ourselves
a nice lunch.
Yeah. What's my address?
You live in Toledo.
Uh, Charlie, it's...
It's Mockingbird Lane,
uh, Shallow Springs. Yeah.
Oh, and by the way, make sure
that you leave plenty of time
to get from the gate
to the house.
Carry on!
Oh, ho, ho!
Ooh, Rick, you are a genius.
You are a genius!
When Charlie sees this house,
he's gonna eat his socks.
Oh, what an idea!
Wait a minute, Harry, my dad
is never gonna go for this.
How's he gonna find out?
Charlie'll be in and out
in a few minutes,
and who's gonna know
about it?
I'll know about it.
You expect me
to keep this a secret?
[SHUSHES]
A slip of the lip
can sink a ship.
I think every family
has its Uncle Harry.
It's nature's way of paying
us back for the nice things.
Don't tell me the Stuffins
family has a black sheep.
We call them white sheep.
Yes, Uncle George.
What was the matter with him?
He was a lawyer in Michigan,
became a judge,
then was elected
lieutenant governor.
What's the matter with that?
He showed up
for his inauguration
wearing his mother's
wedding dress.
What a shame. In California,
nobody would have noticed.
Dad...
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's not important.
Look, I know how tough
Uncle Harry can be,
but I don't see him
as you do.
I still see him as I did
when I was a little girl.
He'd sweep into Columbus
in his Army uniform
from some spot
halfway around the world
and absolutely hypnotize me.
Yeah. He's got Rick snowed too.
He used to tell
the most wonderful stories.
And he still does.
Did I ever tell you about
the landing at Salerno?
There were Germans to the left,
Italians to the right.
Oh, I would love to listen,
but I have so much
to do upstairs.
Oh, that's okay.
It's a man's story anyway.
Well, there we were,
trapped with no way out.
I know the feeling.
Listen, I've got to run.
Oh, no problem.
I'll just tell Eddie.
Ah, well, maybe later. I've
gotta see Rick for a minute.
That's all right.
I'll save it till dinner.
Tough luck.
Yeah.
It's been that kind of day.
Want to talk about it?
It's really simple.
Someone who's very
close to someone
who's close to someone else
wants to pretend
to own something
that really belongs
to someone else.
The someone who's close
to the someone
that this someone is close to.
Dad, the real problem is,
somebody wants me to keep
quiet about something.
You mean lie?
Well, yeah. But the thing is,
this lie won't hurt anybody.
Sounds like
it's hurting you already.
I know.
I know.
Then you know
what to do about it?
Knowing what to do
doesn't make it easier.
I know.
I know.
He dribbles.
He passes. He stuffs. Ha!
Uncle Harry, we've got to talk.
Sure, kid. What's the problem?
We cannot pretend
this is your house.
Why not?
It'll only take
five minutes at the most.
He'll be in and out,
and then we're off to lunch.
Would you hand me
the grape jelly?
It doesn't matter
how long it takes.
We cannot do it.
I'll make it three minutes.
No! It's wrong.
I don't want you to do something
that'll make you uncomfortable.
Even if it means
that a blowhard
like Charlie Morrison
will have the time
of his life
laughing at me.
It's ironic, isn't it?
A man serves his country
for years,
and the world
thinks of him as...
a washed-up piece of nothing.
Listen, the visit's
not until tomorrow.
Call him up
and change your plans.
No, no. No.
He'll find out sooner or later.
Harry Summers is not one
to dodge the b*llet.
No.
Better to tell him
I'm a washed-up failure...
face to face.
Okay. Okay, Uncle Harry.
Are you sure, just five minutes?
In and out, Rick.
You got my word for it.
In and out.
Well, here's your pillow
and blankets.
You've got
the basket and thermos.
You're all set to go.
I-- There's just one more
thing that I need.
What?
Your father.
Dad, hurry up!
You're gonna be late.
I can't find my binoculars.
I'll let you
borrow my telescope.
Oh, that'll look great.
Your father watching
the cheerleaders
with a telescope.
Rick, I saw him.
He's coming up the drive...
way.
Who?
Um, Freddy. We're gonna
do our homework together.
You need a lookout
for Freddy?
My binoculars.
Naturally, you've got them.
Uh, hold it. Hold it.
Let me get some of
this grape jelly off.
Okay, folks. Let's move.
Come on, come on.
Uh...
Wait a minute. My keys.
I can't find my car keys.
Okay, men. Fan out!
Hey, hey. I found them.
Time to go.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Now what?
Oh, heh, that's Freddy.
That's all. Heh, right on time.
Why don't you just go ahead.
Go, Jets, go!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hello.
Hello.
Hey, aren't you
Charlie Chicken?
Chicken Charlie.
[SIGHS]
Boy, a real celebrity.
I've seen
all your commercials.
♪ Yummy yum yum
Yum yum yum ♪
Well, that's very good, kid.
Here's a coupon
for a free wing.
Listen, does Harry Summers
really live here?
[CHUCKLES]
Does Harry Summers
really live here?
I asked you first.
So, uh...
how many chickens
do you k*ll a year?
Charlie, you old goat.
What are you doing
in the cold?
Come on in
where it's warm
and plush and rich.
Welcome to my
not-so-humble home.
Oh, I see you've met
my nephew Rick.
Yeah. Strange kid, Harry.
Hey, hold it.
What does this "E" stand for?
Ahem, "expensive."
Come on,
I'll show you around.
Uncle Harry, it's getting late.
You don't wanna miss
your lunch reservation.
They'll hold it
for Harry Summers.
I thought you'd end up
a two-bit moocher someplace.
If I hadn't seen this,
I never would've believed it.
Now that you've seen it,
you can be on your way.
Hey, is that for show,
or does it go?
No!
Hop on. I'll show you.
It's getting late.
You don't wanna miss lunch.
Call and postpone it for me.
What happened to in and out
in three minutes?
Relax, kid.
Who's gonna get hurt?
All aboard!
Ah.
[TRAIN BELL BLOWS]
Oh, boy.
[KATE GROANS]
Hi.
Why you home so soon?
Something wrong?
We heard on the radio
there's a thunderstorm coming.
We decided to come home,
watch the game on TV.
Well, those weathermen,
they're always wrong.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Lucky guess.
Look,
I've got a great idea.
Why don't you watch
the game in your room?
Make a little picnic out of it.
Huh? Sounds good,
doesn't it? Huh? Huh?
Yeah, it does.
Why don't we do it down here?
No! No!
No? Something wrong?
No. It's just that
it's cozier upstairs.
Come on.
Where--? Where's the train?
Oh, Uncle Harry's got it.
But he'll be back in time
to watch the game with you,
tell you more
of his great Army stories.
Let's go watch
the game upstairs.
Lucky we got derailed
so close to the house,
or else we'd be soaked.
Derailed?
I gotta hand it to you,
Harry, I'm impressed.
I thought you might be.
Well, you're back in time
to leave for lunch.
What is this kid,
a broken record?
I wanna show him
the upstairs first. Come on.
No, no, no! Wait! Wait!
You cannot go upstairs!
We've got a slight problem
with the butler and the maid.
They never went to the game.
What?
They're hanging out upstairs.
Oh. Oh, oh.
Come on, Charlie.
Let's get some lunch. Come on.
Well, it certainly was nice
to meet you, Charlie Chicken.
Chicken Charlie.
I can't wait
to tell my friends at school.
Who was that?
What? Who was what?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
EDWARD:
Somebody answer
that door, please!
Who's that?
Uh, the butler.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Why doesn't he get the door?
Good help is so hard to find.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'd like to keep
standing here,
but I'm starting to mildew.
Come in, come in, come in.
Ahem, this is Dexter Stuffins,
my, uh...
My business manager.
Your business manager?
That's right.
Congratulations, Stuffins.
I'm going to throw
all of my business your way.
It's the break I've been
waiting for all my life. Heh.
[LAUGHS]
Listen, I have
to get my briefcase.
Excuse me, please.
Oh, I'll get that for you.
All right, let's go.
[WATCH BEEPS]
Wait just a second.
I've got
a commercial on right now.
I've gotta watch it.
No, no, no, no.
EDWARD: Who was at the door?
It's me, Edward!
EDWARD: I'll be right down!
Rick!
Charlie! Charlie, why don't
you use the TV in the library?
You can hear
your "Yummy Yums" in stereo.
In stereo?
Come on, I'll show you.
Rick, what's going on in here?
I'm standing in the rain,
a door is slammed in my face,
and I'm pawned off
as the business manager
of that soldier of misfortune.
You wanna
shed some light on this?
Dad, this all started...
Edward, could I borrow
Rick for a moment?
Why not? You borrowed
everything else.
[GROANS]
Sorry about this, Dex.
[SIGHS] You're sorry?
I'm the one whose shorts
are shrinking.
Now what?
I got a little
problem here, kid.
Oh, no!
How'd this happen?
Well, I was trying to find
your father's keys
to his Ferrari,
and my hand got stuck
in this pot.
This is not a pot.
It's an antique vase
from the Manchu dynasty.
No, no! No, no, no! Please!
[IMITATING CHICKEN CLUCKING]
Please, let me.
No, no, no...
[CLUCKING CONTINUES]
Stop. Stop.
[GROANING]
Found it.
DEXTER: Thank you.
What's this, grape jelly?
Yeah, Harry seems to think
that goes good with anything.
What is going on?
The game's started.
[VASE SHATTERS]
What was that?
I don't know, but I'm on my way.
Goodbye.
Hey, Rick?
What was that crash?
What crash?
You know
that tacky, uh, white vase
with those
stupid little ducks on it?
Not the antique vase?
What are you worried about?
It's not yours.
Not ours?
Harry, I gotta hand it to you.
A swell house, a butler,
a friendly-looking maid.
You got it all, boy!
Butler?
Friendly-looking?
Well, uh, it's time for lunch.
Let's go, Charlie.
Wait a sec. Where's my hat?
I think I put it in the library.
Library.
I'll, uh...
I'll help you find it.
Hold it.
Rick, I think you have
to give us some answers.
And so does Uncle Harry.
Okay, Dad.
But try to remember,
he's a veteran.
Quit stalling.
Dad, I was helping Uncle Harry
pretend our house was his house
so he could impress
Charlie Chicken.
Charlie Chicken?
I'm really sorry, Dad.
It was supposed to be
in and out, only for a minute.
Who knew it would lead
to all this?
Don't blame yourself, kid.
It was as much my fault
as it was yours.
Rick, there's no excuse
for going along
with lies or deception,
No matter what the reason.
So I'm grounded
for two days, right?
Try two weeks.
Ooh!
And you.
This time you've gone too far,
involving Rick
in a scheme like that.
Well, what do you expect?
You give Harry Summers
something good,
something solid and real...
something filled
with warmth and love...
and sooner or later,
he'll just mess it up.
Maybe it would be better
if I packed up and left.
Oh, Uncle Harry.
How could you do this?
Well, I was...
I was trying to be a big sh*t.
Trying to pretend I had
wealth and dignity, just...
Just to impress some jerk.
Well, it's fake.
I'm a fake.
And it's cost me the love
of the only three people
I ever really cared about.
I can't find my hat nowhere.
Charlie, look here.
There's something I guess
I'd better tell you.
Shall I get your coat, sir?
What?
Your coat, sir.
Shall I get it?
You'll be late for lunch, sir.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
That's my hat!
What'd you do,
put it in the trash compactor?
Don't worry about it, Charlie.
I'll buy you a new one
and take it out of his wages.
Well, it was
certainly nice to meet you.
Yeah, you too, kid.
If you're lucky,
one of these days
you'll grow up to be
just like your uncle Harry.
HARRY:
I'll be right with you.
Thanks, Edward.
That took class.
I agree.
Harry, this will
never, ever happen again.
I know.
Because that's the last time
I fall for that
"warmth and love" routine.
Now, that was great, Dad,
letting Harry stay like that.
Well, under the circumstances--
But didn't you just
go along with a lie?
Yes, he did.
Well, then if I'm grounded,
you should be grounded.
Yes, he should.
But you said
you were the maid.
Yes, she did.
Well, then I guess
I'm grounded too.
Wait a minute.
We're all grounded,
and Uncle Harry's
out having a blast.
[ALL LAUGHING]
[CAR ENGINE REVVING]
That's my Ferrari!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[♪♪♪]
04x06 - The Trouble with Uncle Harry
Watch/Buy Amazon
Wealthy, young-at-heart business owner and playboy Edward Stratton III is stunned to discover his brief marriage several years ago produced a son, Richard who is now 12 and wanting to live with him.
Wealthy, young-at-heart business owner and playboy Edward Stratton III is stunned to discover his brief marriage several years ago produced a son, Richard who is now 12 and wanting to live with him.