01x18 - Rated Aargh

[bunniefuu]

The best part of this is it's not a dream.

The worst part? It's CPR class.

Yo, coach what do I do now? Kiss me, you fool.

Blow in my mouth Craft, we have been over this 15 times.

Take a seat.

Tudgeman, front and center.

No, no, no! Maybe I should take a seat, too.

Give someone else a chance to be a choking victim? On the floor, McGuire.

Can I run laps instead? You can run laps in addition to on the floor, McGuire! Tudgeman.

Make us proud.

Ooh, it looks like my junior firefighting course is finally paying off.

Lips don't fail me now.

Let me die! If you believe We've got a picture
-perfect plan We've got you fooled 'Cause we only do the best we can And sometimes we make it And sometimes we fake it But we get one step closer each and every day We'll figure it out on the way.

Lizzie McGuire S01E18 Rated Aarrgh!! Mint! Mint! You're going to be okay, Lizzie.

It was only CPR class.

It's not like Tudgeman actually kissed you.

Hey, Lizzie, I heard that you kissed Tudgeman.

So where are you two going on your honeymoon? Why does Ethan Craft have to be so dumb? Squeeze and blow, it's not that hard.

Maybe he has a lot on his mind.

Why do we have to learn mouth
-to
-mouth and the Heimlich maneuver, anyway? It's not like I plan on being a lifeguard.

What do we ever learn here that's useful? How to make Mock Apple Pie out of Saltine crackers.

It's official.

We're the only three kids in this school who haven't seen Vesuvius, The Eruption.

duh, 'cause it's rated "R.

" Besides, Gordo, since when do you care what other people do? I don't.

I just want to see the movie.

An entire ancient city destroyed by lava and And Ben Affleck in a doomed love affair.

I know.

You're right.

It's, like, the best movie ever made.

Why does it have to be rated "R"? Because of adult situations, mild v*olence and brief nudity.

This is so unfair.

I mean, if I can handle mouth
-to
-mouth with Larry Tudgeman I think I can handle Vesuvius, The Eruption.

You locked lips with Larry Tudgeman? Health class.

It was required.

Nothing good ever happens in health class.

The movies they show give us nightmares.

I cannot believe they make us watch a woman smoke through her throat but I can't see Vesuvius, The Eruption.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

I say we go see it.

I'm free Saturday afternoon.

Coolie.

I'm in, too.

Great.

So we're going to go see an R
-rated movie.

It's about time.

I'm totally mature enough to see an R
-rated movie.

Absolutely.

Great.

So let's do it.

We'll just go.

Great.

So whose parents are going to take us?
-Who are we kidding?
-We're doomed.

There's no way our parents are going to let us go.

Of course not, if that's our attitude when we ask them.

Why bother asking? My mom won't let me wear tops that show my stomach.

She'll never let me see an R
-rated movie.

Fine, let's not try.

Let's just spend the next four years of our lives watching movies about talking animals and cartoon elves and call ourselves happy.

I don't think I can stand one more talking pig movie.

Okay, we'll try.

Good, we can do this.

We just need to handle it in the right way.

And make sure we're on the same page.

Maybe I should write this down.

Mom, Dad, I've been reading the reviews on this new movie Vesuvius, The Eruption.

It turns out there's a lot of historical information in it so it would be beneficial for me on lots of levels because the emotional issues involved in Ben Affleck's forbidden love with a peasant girl not of his station mirrors certain socioeconomic issues in our own society today and even though it's rated "R" it's not that inappropriate for kids my age to see it and all the other kids at school have seen it and it's all anybody ever talks about.

So, can I see it? No.

Lizzie is way too young to see an R
-rated movie.

Sounds like a cool movie, though.

Maybe we should go see it.

What? We're over 17.

Mom, Dad, Mrs.

McNamara is so excited you're building a booth for the school carnival! We are? I thought we were blowing up balloons.

No, I volunteered you guys to build a booth and I want you guys to make something really cool.

Oh, honey, last time we did something cool your dad got his eyebrows b*rned off.

They grew back sort of funny, too.

No, I like your new eyebrows.

But Jeff Thompson and his parents are building a dunk t*nk.

Wait a minute.

Jeff Thompson isn't he the one with the mother whose cookies always come in first at the bake sale? Yeah, but I guess we could just blow up balloons.

It'll be fun.

No, no, no.

We can build a booth.

What do you have in mind? Okay, so people come up to the booth and stand up against a wall with an apple on their head.

I don't see the game here, honey.

Then Dad sh**t the apple off their head with a flaming arrow.

Very William Tell.

Historical.

I like it.

Sam.

Fine.

We shouldn't sh**t flaming arrows at peoples' heads, son.

But what if the arrow isn't flaming? Yeah.

No.

But I want to do something extreme.

What have you got all over your new cargo pants? If you want to do something extreme let's just take it down a notch.

We could have milk bottles lined up.

Instead of throwing baseballs, we could throw Frisbees at 'em.

That'd be extreme.

Yeah, extremely lame.

I have an idea.

How about we build a Velcro wall? A Velcro wall? Talk to me.

Well, people will pay good money to put on a Velcro suit and go run and jump and stick to a Velcro wall.

You know, I like how she thinks.

That's why I married her, son.

Yeah, Mom, you rock! It's true, I do.

Son, we've got a wall to build.

Yes! We're going to have the coolest booth in the carnival.

Yes, yes, yes, yes! Hey.

Oh, hey.

I was thinking since we can't go to the movies this weekend we should go to Mount Rushmore Mini Golf.

Miniature golf? Is that the dorkiest thing you can think of? How about the Sci
-Fi Convention? Hey, I like miniature golf, okay? You're just still mad about your fourth
-grade birthday party when I set the course record for the windmill.

I can't believe I'm saying this but Vesuvius is actually better than Star Wars.

I've seen it four times and I still can't figure out how they do that thing with the lava.

I'm not watching the lava.

I'm watching the sl*ve girls Yeah! Ooh, Lizzie.

Okay, new plan.

We tell our parents we're going miniature golfing when instead, we go and see Vesuvius.

Okay, so you're telling me to lie to my parents? No, I'm asking you to make a last
-minute change in plans in advance.

That sounds reasonable to me.

Okay, I'll try but I don't think it's going to work.

This is never going to work.

Mom can I ask you something? This is never going to work! Sure, sweetie.

What's up? Uh, can I go play miniature golf with Gordo and Miranda this weekend? This is never going to work.

Sure.

That sounds fun.

What? Yes! We can't all go up together.

Why not? Because if they turn us all down, we're dead.

But if we go one at a time we'll have three sh*ts at this, right? Fine.

I'll go first.

Good luck.

Good afternoon.

My fiancee and her friend are parking the car outside and I was picking up the tickets for them.

Is the 1:30 show sold out yet? My college teacher's making me write a paper on it.

I tell you.

Boy, do I need this day off.

If it is, the 4:00 show would be okay, too.

The boss is just busting my hump down at the office And working at a law firm part
-time is no picnic.

Um Um Um Boy, do I Hey Oh, not sold out.

I guess I'll take three tickets then.

So if you could just $7.

50 each? Isn't there, like, an under
-14 discount? D
-ohh! No luck.

Okay, revised new plan.

If they're not going to sell us any tickets we'll just sneak in through the back.

Sneak in? Isn't that like stealing? Yeah, but we're going to give them great word of mouth so a lot more people will see the movie.

In a way, we're doing them a favor.

Plus, we'll just buy a bunch of stuff at the concession stand.

I mean, that's where they make all their money, anyway.

I guess that kind of makes sense.

It's my law school training.

How can the fire exit be locked? I mean, that can't be good.

So what do we do now? I say we go home.

I mean, Vesuvius can wait.

No, it can't.

Ben Affleck, Lizzie, Ben Affleck sweating in clingy Roman clothes.

Okay, here's what we do.

We wait for the current show to let out and then while everyone's leaving the theater Talk like you just saw the movie.

The critics are right.

Vesuvius explodes off the screen.

Another triumph for Ben Affleck.

His love scenes are hotter than lava.

Don't hail Caesar,hail Oscar I like the volcano.

What? I like volcanoes.

Okay, we're in.

Everybody hide in the restroom and meet back here in five minutes.

Okay.

How does it feel? Is it snug? Really comfortable.

I could wear this all the time.

Let's see if it works first, okay? Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls, children of all ages prepare to be awestruck by Velcro Boy the Flying McGuire.

Can't get up.

Sam, a little help inside, please? I'll have a large popcorn a root beer ooh, sour gummy worms malted milk balls Okay.

I didn't buy an eight
-dollar ticket but I'm spending 17 bucks on popcorn.

Butter flavoring on the popcorn? Only if it costs extra.

I can't believe we're going to go see an R
-rated movie.

Today, I'm a man.

Jeremy.

Jer
-Jeremy.

Jeremy's choking.

Come on, somebody get help.

Oh, my gosh.

Somebody do something! Lizzie, you've had the CPR classes.

Help that guy.

Somebody besides me.

Go.

Go help that guy.

Hey, you want this? Thank you so much.

I told him to slow down on the sour balls.

I'm just glad you were here to save him.

Wow.

Something I learned in school actually paid off.

See, Lizzie
-
- if you hadn't lied to your parents and snuck into an R
-rated movie that guy would have choked to death.

I love you, man.

I'm a hero! Well, I learned CPR in school and I just reacted.

And I told her to save the guy.

And I was onboard with it right away So there you have it, a real, live matinee hero.

From the 1:30 showing of Vesuvius I'm Cricket Johanssen.

This is so cool, you guys.

We're going to be on TV.

This could be my big break.

Next, I'll be starring opposite Ben Affleck in Vesuvius II.

We have to get home and tape it.

Oh, yeah.

Um, Lizzie, Miranda
-
- we're going to be on TV.

Yeah, we know.

We're going to be on TV in the lobby of the rated
-R movie that we snuck into while all of our parents thought we were playing miniature golf.

Oh.

Or, I could be starring in Grounded Forever: The Lizzie McGuire Story.

We need to make sure our parents don't watch the news.

This is so unfair.

I saved someone's life and I'm going to end up in trouble.

And thank you also for the free movie passes and the gift certificate.

That's fantastic.

Okay.

Thanks.

Bye
-bye.

Who was that, honey? It was the manager from the Wilco Movie Theater.

Lizzie saved someone's life down there.

A guy was choking and she gave him the Heimlich maneuver.

She saved his life.

You're kidding.

No, it's going to be on the 6:00 news and everything.

Wow.

Our daughter, the hero.

Wait a second.

Did you say the Wilco Theater? Isn't that where Vesuvius is playing? Yeah, it is.

She told me she was playing miniature golf.

Our daughter may be a hero, but she's a lying hero.

You might want to wait till I put the Velcro up, son.

Thanks for the head's up, Dad.

Okay, here's the plan.

Yet another? How about a plan that actually works this time We prevent your parents from seeing the 6:00 news at all costs.

That's not a plan, that's a goal.

Fine, a new goal, then.

Well, maybe they won't watch the news tonight.

Maybe they won't see the interview and this will all go away.

No, not going to happen.

My parents never miss the news.

My mom get all weepy at the "Adopt a Pet" segment.

Hey, kids! How was miniature golf? Um great.

Fun.

Really good.

I had the bright yellow ball.

Who won? Lizzie.

Gordo.

Miranda.

It was a tie.

Yeah, we never really understood how that whole scoring thing worked.

Besides, we're all winners here.

Oh, yeah.

I'm so glad that you guys had fun playing miniature golf.

Hey, you know we should play miniature golf more often.

We should.

You know maybe we should go this weekend.

Yeah.

Oh, you guys just went.

Oh.

Oh, we'd go again.

You know what? We would do it right now, even.

Yeah, let's go right now.

Right now.

That's a great idea.

You know I don't know.

I heard it might rain.

Oh, I heard that, too.

You know, maybe we should turn on the news to hear what the weather report is.

That's a great idea.

No! No! They're always wrong anyway.

Ah, we should just go.

I call shotgun.

I call bright yellow ball.

No, let's watch the news.

No, wait! Sweetie, what's wrong? Uh The
-the sports guy.

He'll announce who won the car races and Gordo's taping it at home and he doesn't want to know who the winner is, right, Gordo? Yeah.

I
-I love car races.

Really, Gordo? I had no idea that you were a racing nut.

What are you into? Nascar? Formula One? All of them.

Nascar.

Formula One, Formula Two nitro
-powered funny cars.

Well, you know what we can do.

We can turn off the TV before the sports, because they always save that for the end anyway.

Yeah.

Oh! Lizzie! I'm sorry.

I'm such a klutz.

I loved that lamp.

We can glue it back together.

Yeah.

Everyone help me pick up the pieces.

Kids, you can leave that.

No, no.

Um, um This was Dad's favorite lamp, Mom.

So, um, we're going to have to go into the kitchen, and pick it up and glue it back together.

All of us.

Together.

Honey.

Forget about the lamp.

Jo, I really did like that lamp.

Why can't we fix it? Because we don't have time.

Because we have to watch the news to see if it's going to rain.

See if we can play miniature golf.

Right.

But, you see It's not going to rain because my big toe always hurts when it's going to rain.

and right now it feels great.

So we can go.

Come on, let's move it on out.

You know what? I don't feel like playing miniature golf anymore.

I feel like going to the movies.

That is a great idea.

Huh? Yeah, there's this talking dog flick out that I really want to catch.

It's seems that his master has been spending too much time at the office neglecting the wife and the kids and the talking dog shows him the error of his ways.

You know what I really want to see? Vesuvius.

Oh, yeah.

But I thought you said we couldn't see that movie.

Well, Lizzie, your mother and I have been discussing this and we feel that you guys are mature enough to enjoy that movie.

And you can't get in without us.

Right? You think they know? Oh, yeah, Lizzie.

We know.

So, uh, how busted are you? Busted like a gnome lamp.

You? Ah, my parents are very disappointed in me.

I hate it when they're disappointed in me.

My mom started saying my name like it was all one word
-
- "Miranda
-Isabella
-Sanchez.

" Ooh, I hate it when that happens.

Sorry my parents called you guys's parents and ratted you out.

That's okay.

Parents are always doing stuff like that.

It's their code.

So, I'm grounded for a week.

How about you guys? Two weeks, and I have to write a ten
-page paper on responsibility.

What about you, Lizzie? Grounded for a week but since I did save a human life Mom's letting me go to Matt's carnival tomorrow.

Six hours of peeling kids off a Velcro wall.

Honey! Time to practice for the carnival! Got to go.

Bye.

Okay, Matt, you ready? Roger.

Okay, let her rip.

It works! Hey, all right and it's not falling over or anything.

That is so cool.

Can I try? Sure.

Let me get your brother off the wall first.

Yeah, it comes off, too.

Oh, uh, hold on a second, Lizzie.

Oh, that was cool.

Dad, help me up so I can go again.

Dad? Jo would you peel our daughter off the wall, please? Hello? Okay, new plan.

Okay, everybody, just relax.

Somebody do something.

Lizzie, you had the CPR Go get help, Lizzie.

Lizzie, help him.

Somebody besides me.

I want to talk to the stunt coordinator
-
- now! Okay, here's what we do.

We wait for the current show to let out and while everyone's leaving the theater