02x23 - Clue-Less

[bunniefuu]

I know what you're thinking.

This is all a dream that I'm about to wake up from.

Well, you're wrong.

Heaven help us! Heaven Help us! His Lordship's been m*rder*d! Come quick! Bet you didn't see that one coming.

If you believe We've got a picture-perfect plan We've got you fooled 'Cause we only do the best we can And sometimes we make it And sometimes we fake it But we get one step closer each and every day We'll figure it out on the way.

Lizzie McGuire S02E23 Clue-less Lizzie.

Ha.

Lizzie, Lizzie, Lizzie.

Uh, say, what do you know about bug gas? I know bugs get it when they eat spicy food.

I'm not sure I even know what that is.

You know, when you got termites and they're getting their grub on in your floorboards and everything? And then the guy with the big tent comes and puts it over your crib and he fills it with bug gas.

What do you want to know? Well, can you have a party in it while they're doing that? I mean, if you don't breathe too much or something? I don't think so.

That gas is really poisonous.

I mean, it can like, melt your brain.

Ethan's brain may have melted all ready.

But the rest of him still looks mighty solid.

Uh, that puts me in a fix.

Oh, I was going to have a little party this weekend at my house but that would just completely asphixah asphixica asphic just gassify everyone I wanted to be there.

Look so much like a circus tent.

But instead of clowns, it's full of danger.

Well, you could have the party at my house.

Well, that'd be great.

There's going to be a wedding at the party and people fighting over money and someone's going to get iced.

Yeah.

Wait, there's gonna be like, no drinking, right? Oh, no, it's one of those m*rder mystery parties.

Everyone dresses up as some old English dude and someone pretends to be dead then everyone has to try to find out who did it.

Oh, sounds interesting.

Yeah, this is really nice of you, Lizzie.

Hey, I got a guest list and everything.

Kate's coming? Got to invite her.

And she's bringing her cousin Amy.

- And Gordo.

- I love that Gordon guy.

And Miranda.

Sorry, she's still out of town.

Oh, and Veruca's invited? Uh, she kind of invited herself.

I was a little bit afraid to say no to her.

Oh.

And you invited Larry Tudgeman? He saved my life once.

Pulled me out of the way of a parade float.

The next thing we have to do is pick our characters for the mystery.

Clive McGuffin.

Awesome.

I'm heir to the McGuffin fortune and I'm gonna marry Penelope Featherstone.

Gordo? And I'm Penelope Featherstone the blushing maiden that Clive is making his own? Can I pick again? Yeah.

Aubrey Carstairs.

Lord McGuffin's old w*r buddy.

Well, beats being Ethan's wife.

Kate? Esme Upshaw.

Sweet, kind author of best-selling children's books about a talking tug boat.

Tudgeman? Desiree Fireberry.

The bored, tempestuous heiress.

Fiona St.

John.

I'm the bright light of the London stage.

Just pick! Guy Gaviota.

Hollywood matinee idol from Rio de Janeiro.

I guess I'll just take whatever's left.

And I'm Penelope Featherstone.

I'm the bride! I'm the bride! Cool.

So my Mom will be coming, too.

To supervise.

Well, see y'all Saturday at Lizzie's.

I get to be the bride.

And I get to be the low-key best friend that nobody notices.

Gordo, what are you talking about? Nothing.

It's just that this will be another one of those parties where everyone is drooling over Ethan and I'm just a footnote.

Oh, come on, Gordo.

People notice you.

And I will totally notice you if you solve this mystery before I do.

Because I've been reading Nancy Drew books since I was, like, eight.

And I'm totally going to solve this m*rder.

Yeah, well, you're going to have to b*at the low-key best friend that nobody notices.

Stiff competition.

I'm the bride.

Afternoon, Governor.

Care for an hors d'oeuvre? Shrimp! Good show.

Greetings, friends.

Guy Gaviota, star of the Aztec Cavalier has arrived.

Ah, Se~orita Fireberry.

Ah, as always it is a fine big thrill of a thing to see you.

Uh, movie stars bore me.

All right.

Ah, do my eyes play the tricky fox? Can it be the ravishing Fiona St.

John who sits here? Mr.

Gaviota, your charm is quite overwhelming.

You certainly must join me on the London stage sometime.

It would be too tremendous.

Okeydokey.

Ah buenos tardes mon amigo Is this seat taken? 'Course, old boy, do help yourself.

Good show old chap.

And to this astounding creature, I can only say Hello.

I am Guy Gaviota.

Ethan's mom.

Huh? It's Ethan's stepmom.

Ethan's stepmom.

Holy Mizoli.

Are you sure that's Ethan's stepmom? Shrimp? Uh-uh.

I'm five-ten in heels.

Must be something in the water at Ethan's house.

Oh, such a lovely wedding.

Lord McGuffin is a perfect dear to have us all here today.

Okay, being sweet is weird.

Heaven help us! Heaven Help us! His Lordship's been m*rder*d! Come quick! The poor dear, what happened to him? I think we can rule out trampled to death by elephants.

Well, I know one thing's for sure: He bloody well ruined my wedding.

It looks to me as if poison was the thing that sent this unhappy man unto his reward.

But who would do such a thing? You all had motive.

And you all had opportunity.

Somebody in this house is a m*rder*r.

Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be watching TV.

Sam, you're supposed to be a corpse.

There's no reason a corpse can't watch Iron Chef.

Fine.

Goof ball.

I say again somebody in this room is a m*rder*r.

Somebody's poisoned my Lord and Master.

My father's dead! Yes! I inherit everything! Tawny, not my real dad the one in the m*rder mystery.

My, my, I shudder at the very thought of m*rder.

Perhaps the poor dear just choked.

That's what someone would have liked us to think.

But, this is a liverwurst sandwich.

And I know for a fact that the Lordship would have never eaten liverwurst.

Bam! Inspector Lizzie already on the case.

Well, apparently, that someone was a woman.

Lipstick on the bread, don't you know? Perhaps you overlooked it? So what's Gordo doing crowding in on my clue? Oh, where am I to go? What am I to do? There, there love let's dry your tears and put on a smile.

Don't anybody touch anything! I am Inspector Pratt, and I am here to inspect.

Matt, what are you doing here? Oh, I decided I wanted to figure out who croaked Dad.

Well, you can go figure that out somewhere else.

Like in the Sahara desert? Mom! Lizzie, let your brother play.

Uh, a clue.

I think I'll go study this in the parlor.

Seems like you were very upset about Lord McGuffin's death.

So upset that you have a boat ticket to France.

Or perhaps you just need to leave the country until the heat dies down.

Swish! Nancy Drew couldn't have handled that any better.

If you're implying that the poor maid here did my old friend McGuffin perhaps you can explain to me why she had his handkerchief.

See the monogram? S.

M.

Spencer McGuffin.

I don't think that this young lady harmed Lord McGuffin.

I think that she was going to France with him.

Isn't that right, my dear? Cheer up, old pet.

Things will get better.

You'll see.

Think of singing blue jays, and rainbows.

Ugh! Okay, I'm creeping myself out! Carry on, but do try harder.

There's a good girl.

Such terrible excitement, my dear Mr.

Gaviota.

It leaves one simply parched.

Allow me, you divine creature.

When I tread the boards, you see, I have a constitution of iron.

but such events in real life, well, I feel faint.

Oh, take courage, we must stay strong together.

You know, you really look right you know, in these old-fashioned clothes.

Thanks.

I always felt I was born in the wrong time.

Yeah, me, too.

I always thought that I should have lived in the third age of middle Earth.

Well, I was thinking more the 20's but yours is good, too.

You see, my darling once we solve your father's m*rder then you can inherit all of his land and devote all of your time to pleasing me.

Come on.

You know you'd want to.

Oh, and we need not mention this to the others because then they might think we have a motive.

I found a clue! found a clue! I found a shoe.

Um, Tawny, that's your shoe.

Oh, no.

Ethan's the smart one in his family.

Oh! Now all we have to do is get your father's wineglass to see what kind of poison did him in.

Ah, splendid.

Just the thing.

I'll just give this little beauty the once over and make some headway, what? Gordo? What? Well, why are you taking all of my clues? You're the one who wants to solve the mystery and you want Ethan to notice you.

I don't think you can do both.

Well, you know what? I don't think that you can play this game without being a total dirk about it.

Too bad.

Still, I shouldn't think that dirk is in the vocabulary of young Penelope.

You might want to brush up on that.

Thanks for the glass.

Gordo! Oh, bless me.

It just breaks my to see such old friends in all this bother.

Spot of fresh air, eh? I suppose that's all very well but it does keep one from tip-top sleuthing, what? Gordo, what is going on in there? I mean Madame, allow me to inquire as whether you recognize this item of clothing?! Matt, those are my pajama bottoms! Exactly! Which is why I've taken the liberty of showing these to everyone this evening! Matt, if you don't go put those in my room right now, I'm going to give you a wedgie that is so bad you're going to have to unzip your pants to see.

Very well.

I bid you good day, madame.

You are so weird.

I said good day, madame! Okay, Gordo, what is going on here? Well, as I understand it wealthy Lord MacGuffin was m*rder*d by one of the guests at his son's wedding.

Gordo, I mean what's going on with you? It's like you're obsessed with winning.

I thought you didn't care anything about this.

Well, I decided I want to win.

Well, that shouldn't worry you with all your Nancy Drew training and whatnot.

Okay, you don't have to worry about me because I am going to win this thing and Ethan is going to be impressed with me and this is going to be the best m*rder mystery party ever.

And may the best man win.

Have at it.

Have at it.

Oh, thank you.

That's it! I've got it! You've got what, dear? I know who k*lled Lord MacGuffin.

I've got to gather everyone and give them my theory before that lousy Gordo beats me to it.

Tsk tsk, so very good at figuring out mysteries but so very blind as to see what's in front of your own nose.

What are you talking about? Don't you see what's happening? Don't you see why Gordo's behaving this way? Um, yeah, because he wants to b*at me.

Wake up, Lizzie! Why does he want to b*at you? Because he wants people to notice him.

That's partly it.

Gordo's human.

He's probably just tired of being a doormat.

Okay, but he does not have to be obnoxious to get noticed, Kate.

Hello? He doesn't want just anybody to notice him.

He wants you to notice him.

Me? Everybody at school can tell Gordo's had a crush on you for, like, ever.

That's crazy, Kate.

You've just been busy paying attention to Ethan.

Gordo thinks if he wins, you'll pay attention to him.

So why don't you do him a favor and yourself a favor and I'll pay attention to Ethan.

I've I've gotta go reveal the k*ller person guy.

I just helped Lizzie.

Ugh! This niceness stuff better wear off fast.

Someone in this room poisoned Lord MacGuffin.

And I know who that one person is.

I bet it was the butler.

We don't have a butler.

I thought there was always a butler.

Dad, be quiet.

Your supposed to be dead.

Everyone in this room had a reason to want Lord MacGuffin out of the way.

My fiance and I would have inherited all of his money.

The maid was jealous that he was having a secret romance with Esme Upshaw.

Aubrey Carstairs never forgave him for marrying his sister.

Look at Gordo.

He's being so immature about me b*ating him.

And, there's one other person that I would have never suspected.

And I didn't know until I found this thousand-pound note.

That little piece of paper weighs a thousand pounds? No, it's British money.

A pound is like a dollar.

It Why am I even bothering to explain this? As I was saying, this thousand-pound note was loot from the Great Train Robbery and only one person could have had it.

But what if Gordo's not being immature? What if Kate's right and he really does want to win to impress me? I can do a lot with my head but I cannot get it around that idea.

And, um If I name the wrong suspect, I could let Gordo win.

That one person, our mystery culprit is But if I do that, does that mean I like Gordo? It's Guy Gaviota.

Well, I guess we're gonna find out.

He did not do it.

Guy Gaviota did not do it.

The thousand-pound note was the last piece of the puzzle.

Now, Lord MacGuffin was an avid golfer, and he always liked to wager on a game.

So he won that thousand pounds from none other than the maid! Which one was that again? Mrs.

McGuire.

Come on, Tawny, you're embarrassing me.

That's right.

I did it.

And I'd do it again.

MacGuffin promised to marry me but he cheated on me.

He cheated at horse racing, and he cheated on his taxes.

He was a monster, a louse and I'm glad he's dead! I'm happy about it, don't you see?! He's dead! He's dead! He's dead! He's dead! He's dead! Honey? I'm happy about it! Honey? What? Oh, well, Gordo caught me.

Found me out.

Wow, Gordo, you're like one giant brain.

Except you have legs.

So you're not in a jar.

Right.

Hey, well, congratulations! So, congratulations, old chap.

Yeah, you did really well, too.

Well, you're the one everyone was talking about.

I mean, people noticed you.

Yeah, well, I shouldn't care what people think.

It's not that important.

Well, you impressed me.

I did? Great.

I mean, um, you're my best friend.

Why wouldn't I want to impress you? And, and, you were very impressive, too.

You know, with the, uh stuff.

Okay, it doesn't take a detective to figure this one out.

Kate's right.

Gordo likes me.

So, I impressed you, and you impressed me.

It's all good.

Yeah.

All systems go.

You know, Lizzie, maybe sometime we could, um, you know Hey, Lizzie? You're missing the eel-cooking competition.

I'll be right there, Dad.

Maybe sometime we could what? Nothing.

Just you know, do this again sometime.

It's your turn to win.

Sounds good.

Um So, I guess I'll see you later? Yeah.

See you.

Good night.

So, it looks like Gordo likes me.

But, he's just my friend.

I mean, that's how I've always thought of him.

Why do I feel all flushed and light-headed? Oh, awesome! I'm heir to the MacGuffin You want the right card? Now, I'm gonna give a you a wedgie that's so, blah.

Or is that just to get out of the coun So upset you have a boat ticket to France Come on.

You know you'd want to.

Whoa! And let the ma Mery mel, very well, Mr.

Carstairs Wait.

No, we can do this.

Ready?