02x28 - The Greatest Crush of All

[bunniefuu]

I'll get it.

Okay, this is why I have a strict rule against blind dates.

Um, Mom? Sam there's something you forgot to tell me? Uh, yeah.

Fredo's owners are going out of town and I told them we'd take care of him.

It must have slipped my mind.

You volunteered us to baby-sit a chimp and it slipped your mind? But he's way cuter than Matt and I'm sure he has much better table manners.

Here's the stuff, Sam-a-lama.

Thanks for looking out for him.

Sure thing.

Good luck at that lumberjack competition.

Thanks, man.

I hope we do better than last year.

Hey, Fredo, old buddy now you're going to behave yourself, right? Ma'am.

Thanks again, Sam.

Did you mention this to Matt? Nah.

Why? Well, the last time Fredo was here He and Matt didn't exactly see eye-to-eye.

Oh, that's just a little misunderstanding.

I don't see any trouble.

Oh, you're right, Dad.

He should be fine.

If you believe We've got a picture-perfect plan We've got you fooled 'Cause we only do the best we can And sometimes we make it And sometimes we fake it But we get one step closer each and every day We'll figure it out on the way.

Lizzie McGuire S02E28 The Greatest Crush of All I wonder if Carrot Top is his real name? Right.

Holy-moly.

Who is that guy? Wow.

Allow me to translate wow.

Who is that guy? He is obviously a Greek god who has come down to Earth to teach social studies at our school.

No, he cannot be a teacher here.

Our teachers here look like they came from a carnival sideshow.

Well, maybe he's a model posing for a magazine and he got lost on the way to the photo sh**t.

Let's go give him directions.

-Oh.

-Oh.

Locker face for Beth Edelstein.

Who is that guy? My name is Keith.

Ewan Keith.

I'll be filling in for Mrs.

Stebble for several days.

What's wrong with Mrs.

Stebble? Who cares? Zip it, Tudgeman.

Let the man talk.

Mrs.

Stebble actually broke her collarbone parasailing in Cancun There--you happy? Now who can tell me? Where we are in the textbook? You.

Chapter Um Chapter Okay, um How about you? Uh fractions? This is an English class.

Right.

English.

Actually, we were getting ready to begin learning about poetry.

Thank you.

And you are? Guire McLizzie Lizwire McMc Izzie McGizzie Um, Lizzie McGuire.

Hey, that came out right.

Well, we should all be grateful to Lizzie McGuire for starting us on the long and winding road of poetry.

And tripping over the starting line.

Before we're done we'll have our personal favorite poets.

Do you know, mine happens to be a Scotsman named Robert Burns.

Who said the fairest hours he ever spent were spent among the ladies.

And this was well before the existence of Ms.

Britney Spears.

Now, who here thinks that poetry is dull? Oh, come on.

Let's be completely honest.

Huh? Right.

Now who here actually knows any poems? "Beans, beans, the musical fruit" doesn't count.

The truth is is that a lot of poetry is dull.

But a lot of poetry is about love and passion.

And if you're a guy-- It's how to get the women to fall for you.

All right, I'm on board.

This guy's cool.

He's a cross between Hugh Grant and James Bond.

And he has blue eyes you could just drown in.

All right, you don't like me and I don't like you.

But we're stuck together for a few days so here's how it's going to work.

You stay on your half of the house and I'll stay on my half of the house.

Matt, you are not dividing the house.

Why can't you get along with this little guy? Because he's a demon in a chimp form.

Son, you know you could have a lot of fun with Fredo.

He could be like your little brother.

I guess if I could put up with Lizzie I can put up with a chimp.

It might be fun having a little brother.

I'm not getting one from you guys any time soon, am I? -Hey, how about this cute chimp.

-Fredo, cute chimp, cute.

Come on, honey.

-All right.

-That's my kid.

So did you read the poem last night? Oh, yeah.

Actually Robert Burns wasn't that bad.

Yeah, we Scotsmen sure do know how to write.

Scotsman? Gordo, you're Jewish.

Excuse me? Gordon's a Scottish name.

My great-grandfather was from a wee village in Kentire.

I'm one-eighth Scottish and I'm going with it.

Uh What? The brutish Scot routine works for Mr.

Keith so I was going to break me off a piece of that and make every fair lass in trouble with a passion over me.

I mean something to make all the girls like me? Oh, yeah.

It's working already.

I feel a bit, um faint.

Oh Lizzie, are you all right? Have you been eating in the cafeteria? No, I was just fooling around.

Yeah, well, you take the high road and I'll take the low road.

But I'll be in math class afore ye.

Um, so I had a question about our homework last night.

You know, the poem that you gave us? Okay.

"The pleasures are lie poppies spread.

"you seize the flower, its bloom is shed "or like the snow falls in the river-- a moment white, then melts forever.

" Um, what does that mean? Well, what do you think it means? Um I think it means that fun doesn't last forever.

So when it's over you should get on with your life.

That's exactly right.

Oh, that stinks.

Talk about depressing.

That's very good, Lizzie.

You're getting at the deeper meaning of things.

I like to see that in my students.

He likes me! Ewan likes me.

Ah, my love is like a red, red rose that's newly sprung in June.

Drink up, Fredo.

I knew you'd like grape soda with chocolate syrup.

Hey, you want to play baseball with me? Come on, let's go.

You can pitch.

We can go out and have a good time If I go wrong I'll still be fine Yeah, yeah, yeah Because I have my best friend I can hang out with a real bad guy If he breaks my heart I'll still be fine Yeah, yeah, yeah Because I have my best friend You and I Friends 4-Ever Till the end of time, time, time Friends forever And the two chimps lived happily ever after.

" The end.

Friends forever Well done on your papers, everyone.

Oh, an "A.

" I'm ever so proud.

I'll be facing the merriment in Castle Gordon tonight.

Laurence, the parallel you drew between the character of Tam O' Shanter and Jabba The Hutt in Star Wars was quite imaginative.

Thank you.

And completely wrong.

Uh, LizzieSplendid work.

Splendid work.

Now I'll grow up, marry him and we'll split the Nobel Prize in rhyming things.

Uh, class, please read Chapter Three by tomorrow.

I'll see you then.

-Mr.

Keith.

-Yes? I got you this book at Booktapus.

I thought you might like it.

It's about Robert Burns.

Where he grew up and stuff.

So why is Miranda sniffing around my future husband? Thank you, Miranda.

That's very thoughtful.

Oooh, Miranda has a crush on Mr.

Keith.

Miranda must be destroyed! Miranda, what was that? I gave Mr.

Keith a book.

Well, don't.

I saw him first.

Okay, you don't own him.

Neither do you.

Well, he thinks I'm thoughtful.

Well, think about this--back off, okay? Don't waste your time, kids.

He likes me.

He gave me two stars and a smiley face.

That's because he feels sorry for you, stretch.

It's obvious he likes me.

Back off! I'm bringing him cookies tomorrow.

Oh good.

And then I can take him to the emergency room when he gets sick.

Okay, he likes brunettes.

No, it's obvious he likes redheads.

No, he likes blondes! Are you kidding me? Do you believe this? No.

They should be fighting over me.

Tudgeman.

This is ridiculous.

Everybody knows he's mine.

And I'm going to win this cat fight.

You hear that, Miranda? Hi, Mr.

Keith.

Isn't it a beautiful day? Um, I really like the homework last night.

Love is like a red, red rose.

It's delicate and it's beautiful and And time's up, Malibu Barbie.

Mr.

Keith, I brought you a thistle.

They grow wild in Scotland.

Morning, Mr.

Keith.

Morning, Lizzie.

Are you finding time to read Ivanhoe? Oh, yeah.

It's very interesting.

Interesting? It's 904 pages of dull.

But if I want to be Mr.

Keith's favorite I need some kind of gimmick.

Um, I'm a little confused by something in chapter three.

Hi, Mr.

Keith.

I made some cupcakes last night.

Excuse me.

Mr.

Keith and I were talking about Ivanhoe.

Uh-huh.

They're butterscotch you know, because of Scotchland.

Anyway, I was wondering if, um, maybe we could discuss what I was having a little problem with.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Well, it's, uh, it's about time for class to start.

You did that on purpose.

No, I didn't, plus you shouldn't be bringing him cupcakes anyway.

Oh, I'm not allowed to like someone? Not somebody that I like.

Now, before we get started, in honor of Robert Burns' birthday the school and the Scottish Cultural Center will be hosting a Burns Festival here on Saturday.

Would anyone be interested? Will you be there? The whole evening.

So you're going to this thing, why again? Well, to listen to some poetry and to hear some folk music and stuff.

So I can spend time with the most wonderful man who ever breathed and become Mrs.

Most Wonderful Man Who Ever Breathed.

And your teacher's making you all do this? No, he's not "making" us.

Mr.

Keith makes poetry really, really interesting and he's really sensitive and he doesn't make us feel like dumb kids, so I want to go.

I get it.

Got a little crush on your teacher.

I do not.

All the girls want him to notice us and for once, I want to be the girl who gets noticed.

Not Kate, not Claire.

but me.

Honey, I know how you feel.

I remember when I was your age it seemed like there was always somebody that got the thing that you want.

Huh? Mom actually gets it? It's very tough trying to compete for attention like that.

So, you had a crush on somebody? Oh, yeah.

That lifeguard at the city pool.

I thought he was the greatest thing on Earth.

So, um, how did it work out? It didn't.

But I saw him recently, and, uh, he lost all his hair and he was the assistant manager at the local Dairy Freeze and lived with his mother.

So, it really made me appreciate what a great catch your father is.

Oh, no! Broken nose! Ah, yah! Ow! Dad and Fredo were playing football and Fredo really pegged one in there and hit Dad right in the nose! -Sam, we'd better get you to the Emergency Room.

-Yeah.

Matt, go get in the car.

Lizzie, I need you to baby-sit Fredo.

But, Mom, the festival starts, like, in an hour.

Honey, I need you to do this.

Come on, Sam.

Great.

My perfect opportunity to go and get Mr.

Keith to like me and I have to baby-sit a monkey.

But it's not your fault, is it? No.

It's not my fault either.

So, um, let's get going, banana boy.

Okay.

Come on.

So, uh, the feast begins.

We fill our gabs with all this food of Scotland.

Eh what do we have here? That's blood pudding made from cow's blood and suet.

There's haggis made from the innards of a sheep sewed up in its stomach and cooked.

And here we have cold, boiled kidneys.

This is what you guys eat? That's it.

I'm back to being Jewish.

The food is better.

Like garbage, this smells.

Feh! More kidneys for me.

Ooh.

Psst! Gordo! Oh, yeah.

Um I need your help.

You sure do.

Your date is really underdressed.

I know.

I-I got stuck baby-sitting Fredo and I was hoping maybe you could help me take care of him so I can help Mr.

Keith do his reading.

You want I should take care of a chimp? To you, I'm a zookeeper.

Yeah, it'll be a mitzvah.

Yes! Thank you, Gordo.

I promise I'll make it up to you.

I should live so long.

Ah, Lizzie.

I was afraid you weren't going to make it.

I woI wouldn't miss it.

Did you hear that, Miranda? He was, umHe was afraid I was going to make it.

Yeah.

Big whop.

When are you giving your reading, Mr.

Keith? Oh, any minutes now.

I'm going to videotape it.

I'm going to videotape it.

And next on our program, we'll be hearing some of the great poetry of Robert Burns.

Fredo's gone.

What? How could you lose him, Gordo? First of all, we have Ewan Keith.

Well wish me luck, everyone.

You've got to help me find him.

Gordo, I'm going to miss Mr.

Keith.

He's going to think I don't like him.

Fine.

Let's go.

Go.

Spring's when a young man's fancy, nightly tender thoughts of love.

Nice night for romance, huh? Why fight it any longer, Katie? We're meant to be.

Oh! Fredo! Come on, boy.

Here, Fredo! Come on! Ow! Okay, watch your foot, Princess Graceless.

Hey, I was sitting there! You ain't now.

Miranda, y-you've got to help me.

I was baby-sitting this chimp and he got away and I know that I smushed your cupcakes and I'm really, really sorry, but he's in the gym and I can't climb.

I mean, you always get an "A" in rope climbing.

Can you please help me? Well, I can't argue with that.

"Green grow the rushes o.

"Green grow the rushes o.

"The fairest hours there I spent were spent among the lass's o.

" Move, you're blocking my view.

Too bad.

Somebody's going to pay for that! Oh.

You got him down.

He jumped on my head.

I I didn't have too much to do with it.

Ow.

And you came even though I squashed the cupcakes.

That is so cool.

It is not very often you get to chase a monkey.

Well, you might get another one right now with this guy that doesn't let go of my ear! So, I'm really sorry about acting like a snob about this Mr.

Keith thing.

I guess for once, I just wanted to be the girl that-that cool guy noticed.

Me, too.

I guess we're going to have to work out a system for handling this kind of thing.

I'm serious, this guy is pulling my ear off my head.

Ow, ow Ow.

So, anyway, you want to go and see Mr.

Keith's poetry reading? Yeah.

There's still time for him to notice one of us.

"The Prince's hand "She tried on man.

" "And then she made the lass's o Oh, would you stop it, for pity's sake?' Who wants some haggis? Oh I never knew poetry could be so violent.

Maybe we should just go home.

Maybe we could go to a deli, get a nice piece of fish.

Hey.

Oh, what's what's this for? For helping me catch the chimp.

Would you believe there are no greeting cards for that? Mmm! I should help you catch chimps more often.

Lizzie! Miranda! Good morning.

Mr.

Keith, I see you got all the haggis out of your hair.

I did; I had to buy a special shampoo.

But actually I wanted to thank you two for not being involved in all that mishugas the other day.

"Mishugas"? It's a Yiddish word, and it means craziness.

Gordo taught it to me.

Yeah, but he's good for that stuff.

You know, I'm very, very impressed with you two.

You seem immune to this childish crushes that middle school girls are always getting.

You're the only two in my entire class that seemed grown up.

Yeah um, I know.

Why do girls have to be like that? Yeah, we, uh, very mature for our age.

Right.

Well, I have to go face them all again.

Spilkes these kids are giving me.

Oy! we're grown up! He thinks we're all grown up! I know.

That's so cool.

Listen, let's promise never to fight over a guy ever again especially when we have no hopes in getting.

Deal.

But I get Brad Pitt.

Only if I get Heath Ledger.

Oh, but I get Josh Hartnett.

No, no, no, he's mine.

I saw him first! You take the high road, I'll take the low ra Chapter three Hi, Mr.

Keith.

I made some cupcakes last night.

Splendid work! Now I'll grow up.

Mr.

Haggis, I Oh, Mr.

Keith! Haggis?!