22x03 - A Stache From the Past

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy. ♪

I... I don't get it.

You thought this was gonna be

the flea circus from
Coraline, didn't you?

I'm cursed with optimism.

Oh, yous got a good eye.

That there's a "little
Ms. Wedgewood" set.

(HUMMING "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT")

♪ This is my handle, this is my spout ♪

Well, all the parts seem
to be in the right places.

I'll take it.

Holy crap, a vintage Mr. Potato Head

from the good old days
when potatoes were men

and had penises.

Peter, they never had penises.

Well, you could put a nose down
there and it kind of worked.

The nostrils were balls, and...

and so forth.

That's the very potato
I used in medical school

to learn anatomy. I
could let it go for .

What are we thinking, Lois? Yes?

No, we don't have that kind of money.

Fine, I'll buy it with my magic beans.

Those are skittles.

There's no room in this
world for dreamers anymore.

Everything okay, Dad?

(SIGHS) Just adult stuff, buddy.

Mom wouldn't let me buy a toy I wanted.

MAN (ON TV): Do you own
a home, but can't afford

the things you need to make
your life more comfortable?

Yes. Wait, is that...

Hi, I'm Tom Selleck.

Ask your nurse to turn down your
breathing machine for a minute

so I can tell you how
a reverse mortgage

from "Hey, alright. Reverse Mortgages,"

or "harm," can help you.

This seems like a trick.

I know this seems like a
trick, but it's not a trick.

Oh, that's nice to hear.

But is this his first rodeo?

Look, this isn't my first rodeo.

And I wouldn't be here if I thought

Reverse Mortgages would hurt anyone.

Well, I certainly believe Magnum P.I.,

but it's easy to say this
stuff fully standing up.

I wonder if he can half-lean
on a fence post and say it?

- (GASPS)
- Do you really want your adult kids

fighting over your
money after you're gone?

Isn't it better to spend it all now

so they don't have that option?

He's making good points.
I'll just run this by Lois.

Men, please don't run
things by your wives.

Just go to "www... " I'm kidding.

Here's a phone number
as big as we can put it.

I'm getting my Mr. Potato Head.

But that is a lot of numbers to dial.

TOM: If that's too
many numbers to dial,

just say, "Siri, I'm old."

Siri, I'm old.

SIRI: Dialing Reverse Mortgage company.

Stewie? What is all this stuff?

It turns out Rupert only likes
"Peppa Pig" branded tea sets,

which honestly, I get.

So I sold my tea set
at twice what I paid,

then I bought more stuff to sell.

Really? Was it worth that much?

Oh, sweetie, people have no
clue what antiques are worth,

so you just act like you know.

I actually got a booth at
the flea market next weekend.

I have to say, I'm weirdly impressed.

Yes, who would've thought
a strange little guy like me

could get super into tiny
details of old furniture.

Well, if you need any help, I'm in.

All right.

- Is that...
- Yes, most antiques

are just r*cist old packaging
from iconic companies.

Well, mostly syrup companies.

Wow, that's very r*cist.

Yep. Whole-blurry-shelf r*cist.

I'm Mr. Kiki, the swim teacher

who doesn't have a
pool and drives very far

to other people's pools for lessons.

After this lesson, I sit at Panera
Bread until traffic dies down.

ANNOUNCER: Panera Bread.

Where swim teachers from
other towns wait out traffic.

Oh, my god, is that the
expensive Mr. Potato Head

from the flea market?

I told you we couldn't afford that.

Don't worry, I got a ton of money.

I even bought a jet ski in Lake Havasu

in case I ever get out there.

("ANGEL" BY SARAH MCLACHLAN PLAYING)

♪ Spend all your time waiting... ♪

WOMAN: Every year, over , people

buy jet skis and then
leave them at Lake Havasu.

Last year, over
jet skis were rescued

and sent to some of the
trashier Wisconsin lakes

where tiny-teeth families
gave them new lives.

For hundreds of others,
help came too late.

Where did you get all this money?

It was easy. I took
out a reverse mortgage,

which is that thing where your
house gives you free money.

Peter, how could you be so stupid?

Reverse Mortgages are a total scam.

You need to call the bank right away.

And take that Mr. Potato Head back.

I can't. I wrote "Best Spuds
Life" all over the box.

I almost love the box
as much as the guy now.

Peter, we could lose our house!

Relax, Lois. Tom Selleck
made a whole video about that

for the wives, wearing
his signature short shorts.

- Hello, wives. I'm...
- Sold.

Now the bank is saying
we could lose the house.

I can't believe I got
duped by Tom Selleck.

WEST: Tom Selleck?

Well, there's a name I
haven't heard in years.

Mayor Wild West, you know Tom Selleck?

- Oh, I used to. Many moons ago.
- How many?

- Many.
- Wow.

If you fellas would allow
me to jaw at you a minute,

I'll spin you a yarn.

Back when we grew
younger men's mustaches,

me and Tom carved ourselves out a niche

as a hippie country duo
called "Cold Hard 'Stache."

♪ See a penny, pick it up ♪

♪ All the day you'll have to look ♪

♪ For its rightful owner ♪

♪ That's an honorable day ♪

♪ Looking for its rightful owner. ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Yeah, we were the talk
of one corner of town.

But as is often the
case in these tales,

dr*gs entered the picture,

And when that trouble arrived,

well, let's just say ol' Tom

offered it a place to set down.

You're playing with fire, kemosabe.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

The next day he wrote a
song called "Walk This Way

(EVEN IF THE CROSSWALK SAYS STOP)."

And that's when I knew,

the one-a-day demon had got him.

In the end, one-a-day
was merely a suggestion.

Nearest I can reckon, he
was up to nine or ten a week.

Anyhow, hearing he's
peddling reverse mortgages now

sounds about right.

Do you know what a reverse mortgage is?

Nearest I can figure, it's a loan

that enables the borrower

to access the unencumbered
value of their property.

That sounds kind of slick.

Well, the rub is if
you can't pay it back,

they can snatch your abode.

That strikes me as predatory.

Why would Tom do this?

He should know better.

You see, having a
mustache is a sacred oath.

I have a mustache.

I'm proud of you.

He can't do this to people.

I am gonna track him down
and get the money back.

Mr. Mayor, you're coming with me.

Oh, I'm afraid those days are behind me.

But I wish you the best of luck.

That's fine, I'll go it alone,

just like Meghan
Markle and Prince Harry.

Sir, your millions from Netflix

for no one knows what.

- Put it with the rest of them.
- (PHONE DINGS)

Babe, time to do our daily

$ , sponsored Instagram post

for Del Taco.

Oh, I shouldn't have
left the made-up nonsense.

Well, I'm off to New York City

to find Tom Selleck
and get our money back.

How do you even know he's in New York?

'Cause he's on CBS's loudest show,

Blue Bloods, and they film there.

No, Peter, you're not going anywhere.

Even for you, this is an absurd plan.

Ain't nothin' absurd about this.

- Ma'am.
- Sold.

Mr. Mayor. You came.

That's right. The only
thing that can stop

a bad guy with a mustache is
a good guy with a mustache.

So hop on up, we're taking a trip.

(NEIGHS)

I can't believe we're
going to New York City.

I've always wanted to
see the Twin Towers.

(WHISPERS)

(GASPS) When?

Look, it's Billy Joel.

Uhp, no, it's just a drywall
guy dressed up for church.

So, is that whole retail
establishment just M&M's?

Yes, and bad jackets.

Like, so bad that Sinbad
wouldn't even wear them.

Not sure I quite
understand New York City.

Oh, well, this is just TV New York.

You can tell 'cause all the cab
drivers are impossibly white.

I call this place "The Big City,"

so you know I've been here a while.

Mr. Mayor, allow me to
show you my New York.

Your New York is an ESPN Zone?

I-I don't know, I like all the screens.

Peter, look at this.

Black hair dye.

We follow this trail, we find Selleck,

or possibly Papa John or Rudy Giuliani,

but that's a risk we're
gonna have to take.

Brian, time to teach you my techniques.

Watch and learn.

You have a good eye.

I just sold a piece by
the same artist for .

- (WHISPERS): Lie.
- That's a little out of my budget.

Well, I'd like , but I'd take .

(SUCKS TEETH) Lowest I
could let it go for is .

- Would you take ?
- Well the frame alone is worth .

- Highest I can do is .
- Okay, but you got to pay me

before my wife gets
back from the bathroom.

She's gonna k*ll me over this price.

That's the dance. Give it a try.

Hi, there, uh, how much for this vase?

Five.

What the hell was that?
That's not the dance, man.

You got to put your hands
up higher, move around a bit.

My dance is the tango. You
got to find yours. Go ahead.

- Stewie, I'm not doing thi...
- Find your dance!

A bolero man.

Little dirty, but nobody's gonna bleed.

You feel that? That's the bluff.

- I thought it was "the dance."
- Right, but at some point,

the dance becomes the bluff.

Are you just making
all this up as you go?

That's the dance, Bri.

All right, Brian, follow my lead.

"Van Blunder" time.

- Ooh, how much for this?
- You're gonna hate me.

So, everything you see here

is for sale, except that.

I don't even know how it got out here,

it's supposed to be in the van.

Well, I really like it.

Brian, what did you do?

Oh, boy. That was a blunder on my part.

That's a... That's a...
That's a pretty big blunder.

But look how much she loves it.

- Do you love it?
- I do. I can give you $ .

Well, I do want it to go
to someone who loves it.

I'll tell you what, give
me , and it's a deal.

What a blunder.

This is awkward, but y'alls
horning in on my turf.

See, "Grandma's little loft"
is the king of knick-knacks.

Now yous selling 'em.

Ha. That's a laugh.

We'd never sell knick-knacks.

We're tchotchke guys.

If yous calling that
vintage chatillon dial-face

hanging merchant's scale a tchotchke,

y'alls sicker than I thought.

Says the guy who has his what's-its

mixed in with his who's-its.

That's potpourri.

Yous out of your league.
That's what's happening here.

You hearing footsteps, gramps?

Hows about a little contest?

Whoever sells the most
by end of day tomorrow

Is the flea market champ.

The loser gets out
of the game. For good.

Fine, you're on.

And by the way, there was a dead
cricket in the teapot you sold me.

- Oh, no.
- I know.

The hair dye trail ends right here.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Wait, only one guy would accept delivery

of so many Hawaiian shirts.

(SNORING)

(MUSTACHE BARKING)

What is it, boy?

Man, I love being paid
for reverse mortgages

in Hawaiian shirts.

So, it looks like there's a few more

disgruntled customers down there.

Well, that's a 'stache from the past.

This can't be good. Get in.

Hey, NYPD?

Yeah, it's chief whatever-
my-character's-name-is

From Blue Bloods.

There's a couple of trespassers

outside my house.

(POLICE SIREN WAILS)

You guys are under arrest.

- Is this 'cause I rubbed on a lady in the subway?
- No.

- 'Cause I rubbed on a lady on the bus?
- No.

Do you do a lot of rubbing on people?

Hey, eight million people,
we all got to fit somewhere.

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry for dragging
you into this, Mr. Mayor.

Lois was right, this was a stupid plan.

Don't b*at yourself up, hoss.

When your cause is just,

any action you take is honorable.

Besides, fate has a funny
way of takin' care of folks.

(SNORES)

I'd be much obliged if you'd
go ahead and open up for me.

How did you do that?

Well, this ain't the first schlage

to which I've pitched woo.

Oh, Brian, look,

it's this antique's last day

- selling antiques.
- You alls can eat my dust.

(COUGHING)

Oh, we got quite a showdown here today

at flea market regionals, Jim.

"Grandma's little loft"
has the experience,

but don't count out “the Brian,
the Bitch, and the Wardrobe.”

And the question we've
been hearing the most today:

Why does a flea market have announcers?

Well, sometimes major network announcers

have one too many at a golf tournament

and hit a guy in their car and
then have to work their way back.

Hi, do you have any vintage
southwestern lifestyle stuff?

Bro, it's : A.M.

That stuff is long gone by : .

I's about to open a storage container

fresh from Tempe. Come on by.

- What?
- How is that possible?

ANNOUNCER: And in crunch
time, the game just slows down

for a veteran booth like
"grandma's little loft."

ANNOUNCER : A large,
native American-looking teen

has grumpily plopped
down on a camp chair

with an iPad at Bruce's booth.

This guy's on another level.

- There's no way we can catch him.
- (RATTLING)

ANNOUNCER: This could be
the nail in the coffin

as other booths have started shaking

their mis-prescribed opiates in salute.

ANNOUNCER : They call
that the "battle rattle,"

and it's the ultimate flea
market show of respect.

This one's all but over.

Welcome back to flea market regionals,

brought to you by warm coke.

WARM COKE: Sometimes they're just warm.

ANNOUNCER : "Grandma's little loft"

Is putting the finishing
touches on a dominant win.

Hey, we got lots of great

one-of-a-kind stuff here. Please.

ANNOUNCER: And, of course, the
old guy who last-minute decides

he wants to keep his stuff has
never really been a factor.

ANNOUNCER : For him, it's
more about telling people

where he got the stuff.

(SIGHS) Well, we gave it a good sh*t,

but we're not gonna catch Bruce.

I guess we should go tell him he won.

ANNOUNCER: Hold the phone.
Looks like we got a guy

bringing his home trash to
the flea market garbage can.

ANNOUNCER : And this is
where the lone garbage can

Being right by "grandma's little loft"

could come into play.

ANNOUNCER: Sure looks like a bag

of mostly full diapers
and half-eaten burritos.

ANNOUNCER : And that's
just a bee's dream bag.

Hey, we just wanted to say, you wo...

- (LOUD BUZZING)
- (PEOPLE SCREAMING)

ANNOUNCER: And once that
money belt is zipped...

It's official. "The Brian,
the Bitch, and the Wardrobe"

win flea market
regionals. What a comeback.

Boy, you said it. I told ESPN I'd quit

AFTER A "MAGIC: The
Gathering" tournament,

but this time, I'm serious.

Well, yous won fair and square.

Y'alls the best flea market weirdos.

(BEES BUZZING)

I sure am gonna miss this place.

Sorry about the bees.

Part of the game. Hey, before I go...

would y'all be willing to sell your
whole inventory for nine dollars?

- Would you do ?
- No.

You got yourself a deal. I
never want to come back here.

Everyone, you're all
within feet of a school.

(SHOUTING)

CHRIS: Over arrests
were made that day.

It's still known in flea market
lore as "extinction Sunday."

I'm Chris Griffin, and
my brother and my dog

left me in a very hot car.

Hi, Shannon, the line producer,

said I could have
another plate of lasagna.

That's not Shannon's call.

You were right. Becoming
extras on his show

was the only way to get close to Tom.

Once the cameras start
rolling, we'll make our move.

Blue Bloods, episode a million,

season blabbity-blah. Hollywood, go.

These guys are pros.

DIRECTOR: Action.

Chief whatever-your-character's-
name-is from Blue Bloods,

do you recognize this man?

I do. He owns the bodega on ...

Blue Bloods.

- DIRECTOR: Cut.
- Who is this guy?

My name is Peter Griffin,

and I'm here 'cause you screwed me over

with your trick reverse mortgage.

It's not a trick.

Overruled.

What are you... You're an actor.

Time to acknowledge the corn, Tom.

Wild West? I had you arrested.

When you got hooked on multis

and started singing
mean-spirited songs,

I figured you were
young, it was a phase.

But now you went and got mixed
up with reverse mortgages,

and that, partner,
violates the mustache code.

Yeah. And besides, you're Magnum P.I.

You're like my TV boss.

Regular guys like me trust you.

I didn't make you do anything.

Only one thing left to try.

♪ See a penny, pick it up ♪

♪ All the day you'll have to look ♪

♪ For its rightful owner ♪

♪ That's an honorable day ♪

♪ Looking for its rightful owner ♪

I-I'm not gonna sing.

- Your honor?
- I'll allow it.

♪ A penny saved is a penny earned ♪

♪ But if it ain't yours, I've learned ♪

♪ To find its rightful owner. ♪

(APPLAUSE)

This court finds that the world
could use more songs like that.

Peter, I think you and
I might just have to

agree to disagree when it comes to

the financial propriety
of reverse mortgages.

That said, I certainly never meant

to cause you any distress.

And wild, back in the day,

I turned my back on you,

and I turned my back on my mustache.

Think you can forgive me?

Eh, nothin' a firm,
two-handed handshake

with eye contact can't solve.

And Peter, I don't want
there to be any hard feelings,

so I'm gonna write you a check

for a little bit of the
lot of money I've made

selling legitimate reverse mortgages

to people who, to the
best of my knowledge,

understand fully what
they're entering into.

How are you ?

This ought to take care of it.

And hey, just to make sure we're good,

how'd you like a line on the show?

Blue Bloods.

It might not be just saying the show.

I understand. Tom, would it be possible

for me to get another plate of lasagna?

That's not my call, Peter.
That's Shannon's call.

It's not Shannon's call.

Follow that car.

First time in the Big City?

Blue Bloods.

That last line was improvised.

Oh, look out, Ryan Stiles, huh?

Oh, you know, I'm just glad

we don't have to worry about
losing our house anymore.

Me, too. I guess I learned

celebrities always do the right thing

once you publicly guilt them into it.

♪ ♪