01x03 - Royal Tinder

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on Queen Of Oz...
- ALL YELL

Oh, this poxy country. What now?

I get off work at nine, if you...

Why don't you just clock off now?

Yeah, I guess I could do that.
Because you're fired. What?

And to shut me up, she gave me this.

Oh, no.

My new banknote's arrived.
Exciting!

Desperate to see it?
Maybe a little.

Ginger eyebrows?

Oh, well, they'll just have to
destroy all those

and print the correct ones.
The thing is... The notes have

already been printed and distributed
to banks around the country.

Oh, well, if you can't do it,
you can't do it.

Bye.

What do you reckon we roll our
sleeves up and get our hands...

Nice and bloody?

I'm all in.

Who's ready for some roo burgers?

Ugh...

NEWSREADER: Incredible scenes of
joy and jubilation

as thousands of people line the
streets of Sydney,

craning their heads, hoping to catch

a glimpse of royalty.

We haven't seen a reception like
this in...

Unbelievable.

He hasn't even been in the country
five minutes

and they're already falling
all over him.

The public has always
loved your brother, Ma'am.

He's a dutiful son who serves
his country with the grace and poise

that befits the heir to the throne.

Unlike others.

Everyone's just OK with him
speaking to me like this, are they?

Of course they are.

Nobody even bothers standing
any more.

Too late.

First stop for Prince Frederick
will be a visit to his sister...

I had no idea Australia
had this many people.

Do we know why he's here? Whatever
it is, it isn't to say well done.

Nobody flies all
this bloody way just to be nice.

Actually, my fiancee flew down...
Actually, man-child, I don't care.

Nobody from my family, I mean.

When we want to be nice,
we send flowers.

When we want to be pricks,
we send Freddie.

The Queen, never far
from controversy, now appears

to be taking advantage
of young men on her staff.

Are you not embarrassed?
Is that not embarrassing? Yeah.

It's off-putting.

You're all talking this morning
on our text and phone line

about the Queen sleeping
with one of her staff.

This is highly inappropriate.

Controversial, I'd say.

Hey, if they can get it,
good on them. Go, the cougar.

She's sleeping with her footman?

Oh, my God. He's not getting paid
enough for that, is he?

Bit creepy.

It just makes me want to dry retch.
Ugh.

Yuck. My God.

Jesus, you sleep with one footman.

I believe the correct term
is footperson.

And even that sounds demeaning.

There's nothing demeaning
about shagging the Queen. Perhaps,

but you're going to visit an animal
sanctuary for endangered species.

That's quite a segue.
We need to change the narrative,

take the spotlight off the sleazy
headlines and refocus them

on your positive qualities.

Excellent. Which are?

Well, your, erm...

My?

Your...

Go on.

Yeah, I can't think of any right
now, but it'll be a great photo op.

It'll make you look more caring,
more relatable.

You think me holding a pangolin
will make me look more relatable?

I'm just working
with what we've got. Really?

I'm just working with what
we've got, Ma'am. Thank you.

Your Majesty. His
Royal Highness Prince Frederick.

On a scale of one to ten,
how sanctimonious does he look?

A solid .

Georgie, Georgie,
little Georgie Porgie!

Freddie, Freddie,
little wet the beddie.

Hi, Georgie.

Erm, actually,
it's Your Majesty now.

Oh, of course.

Which technically means
you have to bow.

Down here, Queen trumps Prince.

Your Majesty.

How are you?

As you see.

I see you still look
like a slab of wet veal,

so that doesn't give me
much to go on.

Oh, and I see you being shipped
off to Australia

hasn't tempered your tongue.
Oh, do shove it up your arse, Fred.

Why are you here?

You need to get married.

I need to get what now?

The Queen - you know, the actual
Queen? - is formally

instructing you to get married.

All these sex romps and scandals,
it's hurting the Crown.

Yeah. Of course.

It's when we royals get married
that the scandals stop.

You're an embarrassment. What's new?

What's new?

You're getting married.

I most certainly am not.

"A royal wedding is our best,
or perhaps only, chance"

"to make the public like her."

That's a direct quote from Mummy.

She can't tell me how to live
my life.

Exactly, that's
what horoscopes are for.

It's bad enough I had to become
an Australian,

she can't now make me marry one.

I think you'll find she can.

That's sort of
how the monarchy works.

Now, the Palace has drawn up a list
of potential candidates.

We need someone pliable,
with a pedigree.

Royal Tinder? How very romantic.

I need a pedigree,
my trotters are sh*t.

I don't really have to do
this, do I?

Alas, Ma'am, real Queen trumps
Australian Queen.

Now, this chap gets my vote.

Dylan Robinson, .

Venture capitalist.
Never been married.

Suspicious. Well, you've
never been married. Exactamundo.

Give me that.

Too short.

Too bald.

Too stupid.

None of which have ever
disqualified a royal suitor.

Pinhead.

Meathead.

Doesn't give head.

How would you know?

Ugh, never mind.

Ginger? Absolutely not.

Not on a man.

All right, Fred,
you've had your little bit of fun.

I'm not doing it.

Now, do us all a favour.

Piss off back to the motherland
before your overbearing

horse of a wife and kids notice
you're not there.

That's ridiculous!

I'm sure my private secretary's
informed them.

Little Freddie Fuckster, eh?

That's what our grandfather used
to call him.

Or Sally. Fred would answer both.

He always was a sorry excuse
for the male species,

even by royal standards.

What did your grandfather call you?

His favourite grandson.

I miss him.

He was the only one who noticed me.

Isn't it hard not to notice you?

It is now.

Writing's on the wall for me,
though.

I've kicked the can down
the road too long.

They've backed me into a corner.
Yeah? How's that?

By making me a bloody queen.

I hate it when that happens.

Like it or not, I've always had
the might of the Palace behind me,

and in many ways
it's protected me from myself.

Yet it's also made me
the monster I am.

And they said therapy
would be a waste of money.

Historically, the spares have
always been a problem.

Did you ever read about the time
me and Macaulay Culkin got arrested?

I did not. Exactly.

The stories they printed had nothing
on the ones they covered up.

Good to have friends in high places.

Not friends. Family.

I owe them, and now it's time for
me to pay my dues.

If there's a more romantic reason
to get married, I'd like to hear it.

We can't all marry our childhood
sweethearts and

live happily ever after, like you.
I'm not married. Oh.

You always struck me as
the marrying kind. I am, Ma'am.

I'm just not married yet.

That's fighting talk,
you know I'm on the lookout.

Any royal lineage?

In high school,
I worked at Donut King.

Hmm, I'm not sure that's quite
going to cut it.

Shame.

♪ A pony once lived on a
merry go round

♪ He went up, down, up down... ♪

Do you remember, when we were kids,
the only way they could tempt us

out of the bath was with
a hard-boiled egg on a spoon?

Oh, we loved our hard-boiled eggs.

So, the Anderson Animal Sanctuary...
Do I have to speak?

Your speech will make a
lot more sense if you do, Ma'am.

Excellent bants, Zoe.
More of that, please.

The Anderson Animal Sanctuary is the
pet project of Teddy Anderson,

who is a philanthropist,
environmentalist

and animal conservationist.
Bloody hell, Ted, pick a lane.

The sanctuary runs a specialised
breeding programme

for endangered species.

Freddie's getting flashbacks
to his honeymoon.

- FREDDIE SNORTS
- He's having that.

OK, so, after the speech,
there'll be animals

there for you to interact with.

I will absolutely not be handling
any animals.

Then why did you come, idiot?

To add some much needed decorum.

Having filthy, wild animals crawling
all over me

doesn't quite fit the bill.

That is no way
to talk about your wife.

I'm here all week.

You've turned yourself into a
cheap sideshow.

Talking to the press,
breaking royal protocols -

you're a bloody laughing stock.

Oh, lighten up, Sally.
They love it down here,

it's called connecting with people.

Yes, and if you're not careful,
these... people will think

you're just like them.

Well, this is awkward.

I mean, you clearly have no idea
how to represent your crown.

Which, incidentally, starts with
the Queen not chewing gum.

You're absolutely right.

Soz.

We will leave promptly at noon,
and then later,

you will have your weekly audience
with the Prime Minister.

Oh, God. That came around quick.

MANY PHONE ALERTS AT ONCE

Oh, hello.

Either someone's smuggled
in a microwave or

another bloody story's been leaked.

Well, it wasn't me. I don't even
know how to use a microwave.

"Georgie plans to wed after
secret romance."

What? Planning to wed?

What the actual f*ck, Zoe?

Well, it didn't come from us,
obviously.

Well, we thought it best
to chivvy things along.

We? The royal we. Literally.

MOCKING: "The royal we. Literally."

You snivelling sh*t pig! Ow!

You sh*t pig! Ow! Stop it!

What are you doing?!

Stop it!

"The royal we! The royal we!
Literally!" Aargh!

BOTH: How do you do?

Thank you so much for coming.
It's certain to help shine

a spotlight on all the work
that we do here.

It's wonderful to be here.
We're great admirers.

Oh.

Do you care for the animals
yourself?

I don't work here myself, as such.
Not that I consider this work,

I do it more for the feels.
You know, personal gain.

Just so great to be able
to give back.

I'm sure you know what I mean.

Shall we?

NEWSREADER: We're just hearing word
from a source close to Her Majesty

that she's to wed later this year...

And some bombshell news
just to hand,

straight from Macquarie House...

The Queen is getting married.

Who's going to marry her?

If she wants to marry a neo-n*zi,
if she wants to marry

a Russian oligarch, if she wants
to marry a cousin

and the children are all inbred
and they're our future royals,

we have a right to know.

We understand that Queen Georgie
is about to hold a press conference

at the Anderson Animal Sanctuary.
Perhaps we'll find out

some details of who this mysterious
groom-to-be is.

We'll cross there in
just a few moments time.

So, Teddy, you're much better
looking than most philanthropists.

Well, thank you, Ma'am. You're much
better looking than most queens.

Boom. We're off to a flying start.

So, I hear congratulations
are in order?

Why, have I won this week's Lotto?

If you don't mind me asking,

how are you feeling
about your upcoming nuptials?

I can assure you, just as
surprised as everyone else.

Well, who's the lucky man?

As soon as I find out,
I'll let you know.

Hang on, are you telling me
you don't know who you're marrying?

No.

You're in your own episode of
Married At First Sight.

As we speak, the experts
are trawling through reams of data,

searching for a suitable
Australian groom.

Well, they haven't contacted me yet.

Well, they're probably working
in alphabetical order

and haven't got to zookeeper.

Yes, zookeeper and
distant cousin to a Danish prince.

How do you like them apples?
Ugh, Danish? No, thanks.

And what's wrong with the Danes?

Ugh, I mean, they're just so,
"Hurdy-gurdy-gurdy."

"Look at me, I'm Danish."

If that's supposed to be the chef
from The Muppets,

you know that he's Swedish, right?
Ugh, same thing.

Just to reiterate, these are highly
sensitive creatures,

so no loud noises, no flash
photography, no sudden movements,

anything that might spook them.

Just to reiterate, she's talking
about me and Fred, not the animals.

LAUGHTER

When's the wedding, Ma'am?

Goodness me, we're straight out of
the traps this morning.

Someone's had their Weet-Bix.

So, who's the mystery fella then?

Hopefully, one of the Hemsworths.
The mystery is, which one?

LAUGHTER

Look at this one!

It's two for the price of one
today, kids,

so don't waste
all your questions on me.

Look at that!
FRED CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Ah, hello. Yes.

And don't let the stiff demeanour
fool you, this one loves a chat.

How are you enjoying your trip, sir?
Oh, splendid.

Yes. Yeah, it's, ah... splendid.

What did I tell you? Hashtag bants.
LAUGHTER

All day long.

Who is this little treasure?

This is Binky.

He is one of koalas we have here,
rescued after the fires.

They are stubborn little creatures
but as he only eats

eucalyptus leaves, he's kind of
zonked out all day.

So, cute, stubborn and stoned.

My nickname in high school.

LAUGHTER

Would you like a hold, Ma'am?

Oh, I couldn't possibly hog
this bundle of fluff

when Fred's come all this way
just for a cuddle.

I don't think so. Oh, come on, Fred.

Who would like to see the heir
to the British throne

show Binky a wittle wuv?

ALL ENCOURAGE HIM

Yes, go on. Please, Sir, yes!

Oh, yes, Sir, yes, Sir!

Well, you're in my country now,
Fred, and as your Queen,

I absolutely command it. Come on.

Hello... hello, Binky.

Oh, I think he likes you, Fred.

FRED WHIMPERS

Let's just hope Binky's up to date
with his chlamydia sh*ts.

"Let's just hope Binky is up to date
with his chlamydia sh*ts"?!

You said that to the press while I
had a koala bear sitting on my face!

Well, I hope you bought him
a drink first. Enough!

Your perpetual resentment of me
clearly knows no bounds.

I mean, not content with making
yourself a laughing stock

on the world stage, you seem hell-
bent on dragging me down with you!

You're right, it was out of order

and entirely the wrong message
to send.

There is no sh*t for chlamydia.

Go on, laugh it up, Georgie Porgie.

But you've backed yourself
into a corner now.

You've just lost the
right to choose your own husband.

You can't tell me who to marry.
Too late.

I'm not getting stuck in a loveless
marriage. Isn't that your thing?

The equation's very simple - get
married or you're out of the family.

Don't tease me. Completely cut off.

No support whatsoever.
I can make my own money.

I have useful talents. Yeah, getting
wasted is not a talent.

I and my fellow Australians
would beg to differ.

Listen to me very carefully,
Georgiana.

You need this family
far more than we need you.

So knuckle down and pick a dress.

f*ck. You.

Open the f*cking door!

CHUCKLING: Door idiot!

Right, you lot, listen up.

Let's clear her schedule to announce
the engagement

for three weeks' time.
Someone said yes?

Is he poor? Is he ugly?

The when is more important
than the who.

So, let's push on as if someone has.

Now, you'll need to set up
an exclusive interview.

And she's agreed to all of this?

No, but she will when
she's calmed down.

He must be poor and ugly.
Where is the Queen now?

Oh, stomping about in the garden
like the overgrown child she is,

I expect. She'll be back in soon.

But if she isn't,
hard boil a couple of eggs.

She's like a heat-seeking m*ssile.

REGGAE VERSION OF
"GEORGIE PORGIE" PLAYS

♪ Kissed the girls and
made them cry, I don't know why

♪ Oh, why, why, why

♪ When the girls came out to play

♪ Georgie Porgie ran away... ♪

- DOG BARKS - Oh!

You all must bring your A-game.

A royal wedding must run
like clockwork.

Sir, we've searched the entire
premises, she's nowhere to be found.

Trust me, I can guarantee you
she'll be hiding in the grounds,

waiting for us to run after her.

Oh, my God,
we've actually lost the Queen.

Thank you. What if she's hurt?
What if she's kidnapped?

What if she's hungry?

Do you serve anything that doesn't
taste of a feral cat's urine?

Don't think so.

Then I'll have another, thank you.

You look familiar, darl.
Do I know you?

I doubt it.

Unless we go to the same AA group.

That's it! How are you?

Bonza. Or ripper.

CHUCKLING: Good on ya, love.
You want to...?

No, I don't. Leave me alone. Got it?

Loud and clear, darl.
Loud and clear.

HOARSELY: I mean,
that's like pipe cleaner.

Well, isn't this wizard?

Everyone running around
looking for her sorry arse.

How f*cking selfish.

I'll put out an immediate alert.

You'll do no such thing.
I'm in charge here.

We're wasting precious time,
we need to alert the feds.

Absolutely not.

It cannot get back to the Palace
that she's gone missing.

Oh, my dear boy. How very foolish of
you to believe that the Palace

won't get wind of this
within the hour.

And that it's has happened on
your watch, to boot.

I can only imagine your
mother's wrath.

Find her!

HECTIC PUNK MUSIC PLAYS

You're my best friend
and you're my best friend...

More cat piss, please, sir.

♪ She's a piss pot through
and through... ♪

That is good.

That's the good stuff, sir.

Down!

Three things Australian.

Tim Tams, tinnies... dingos.

Ugh! Ha-ha! Your turn, your turn!

TRANQUIL PAN-PIPE MUSIC

PUNK RESUMES

This is my pub.

These are my friends.

And you are not welcome here.

Who do you think you are?!

Security cameras have her
slipping out the back entrance.

This is low-key exciting.

Ow!

Low-key exciting?
The Queen is missing!

Oh, has that happened too?

ALL: Alice, who the f*ck is Alice?!

I've had that one.
I've had that one.

I've had that one. Jerk.

That's what they call it, jerk.

Oh, God!

Oh, God, it would be you
who finds me. My money was on Marc.

What's that face doing?
Is that relief or disgust?

I'm torn. It's mostly relief.
Oh, is it?

Definitely disgust.

Oh! Well, that's good,
because we're not sharing.

OK, we need to get you out of here,
it's not safe.

Oh, no worries, darl.

I've got my own security.

Wendy's got my back,
don't you, love?!

Abso-f*cking-tootly!

SHE MIMICS WENDY WITHOUT WORDS

Where do these people come from?

Mmm-hmm. We need to go, Ma'am.

That brother of mine must
be pretty scared.

He's on his third pair of pants.

Perfect.

OK, I need to tell the others
we're here. No, no, no.

I do not want to go.
I can't go home yet!

Ken and I haven't had our nachos.

Oh, OK. I don't know about Ken...

He's my best friend. Fine.
That's my hat. Not true.

But you're the Queen of Australia...
Thank you.

And you're in the middle
of a dive bar. Yeah.

So, I'm really sorry,
but I need to get you home.

Oh, shut up.

What the f*ck? Zoe, one drink.

No. Drink with me. No!

Drink with us. Absolutely not.

No, no, no, of course not, Mummy, I
can't imagine who's told you that.

No, no, look, look, look -
rest assured, she'll be sulking

in a corner, waiting to be cajoled
out of one of her moods.

What? CHUCKLING: Oh, yes, yes.

Nothing a few hard-boiled eggs
won't fix, eh?

Yes. Yes, all right, Mummy.

All right, love you. Bye-bye.
Mwah-mwah. Bye.

How can this be happening?!

I was exactly the same
when I got here.

You mean the seasons being
reversed thing?

What? I don't believe it either.

Ah, Bernard, for the love of God,
tell me there's some news.

Indeed there is, Sir.

The Prime Minister's here for her
weekly audience with the Queen.

You, baby hands, go and stall her.

Me? With what?

Just...! Just do it!

OK.

Love you, Andy!

Alcohol's the best, I don't know why
I don't drink it more.

I know why. May I speak freely?
Go on.

You are a narcissistic,
insensitive, bile-ridden...

Not as freely as that.
..overbearing, undereducated,

first-class bitch.

Good talk. But I will say this...

I would urge you to reconsider.

After seeing the way your
family treats you,

beginning to understand why.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Are we done?

Abso-f*cking-tootly!

Excellent.

Now, let's get ruined! Whoo!

So, yeah, you can appreciate,
it's been very stressful.

She has never behaved
like this before

and the worry is that she has gone
completely off the rails.

I'm sure your fiancee will
be in touch soon.

Long-distance relationships
can be very testing.

I had these handmade out of my
grandmother's...

Yes, I wish you all the best.

Now, will the Queen be
very much longer?

I do have a country to run.

CHUCKLING: I do apologise,
Prime Minister.

Perhaps we can reschedule?

Her Majesty has
been unavoidably delayed.

Hmm, so it would seem.

HE CHUCKLES

HE CHUCKLES POINTEDLY

MATTHEW CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Whoo! I hope that's your Taser,
cobber. Ha-ha!

Aw, no.

Well, I'd like to say
it's a first, but it's not.

Oh, hello, Marky-Marc, with a C!

You've missed a hell of a party!

Hands up if you've just been
arrested for buying cocaine from

an undercover police officer?

Just us, then?

Oh, and you're here. Excellent.

Your Majesty.

Another proud day for the monarchy.

Isn't it just?

Don't worry,
I'm sure this can all be sorted.

Nothing the men in grey
haven't seen before.

Isn't that right, Fred? Are you out
of your tiny, addled mind?

And you thought we'd reached
the nadir when

that koala sat on your face.

Have you any idea of the damage...?
I'll marry the zookeeper.

I may live in a gilded cage

but I'll decide what colour
the bars are painted.

You got what you came for, Sally.

So, if we're all square,

be a good boy and get the f*ck
out of my country.

Ooh.

Somebody should probably let
Teddy know he's pulled.

♪ Don't look back in to the sun

♪ Now you know the time has come

♪ And they said it would never
come for you, oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh, my friend, you haven't changed

♪ You're looking rough and
living strange

♪ And I know you got a taste
for it too, oh-oh-oh

♪ They'll never forgive you but they
won't let you go, oh, no

♪ She'll never forgive you but she
won't let you go, oh, no

♪ Don't look back into the sun

♪ You've cast your pearls but
you're on the run

♪ And all the lies you said,
who did you save?

♪ And then they played that song
at the Death Disco

♪ It started fast
but it ends so slow

♪ And all the time... ♪

GEORGIE GASPS AND COUGHS

Anabel, get me a towel!

And someone get me an egg cup.