01x15 - Bad Replicant

[bunniefuu]

Gentlemen,

chop off my head with such velocity

that my blood will rocket through my neck

and propel my lifeless body

all the way to Phoenix!

Wow.

Heh.

Er, what's in Phoenix?

Why, it's your mama, Steve! Get the axe!

Look at it out there,

orbiting like it's so cool.

We will rule it with an army of replicants!

Uh, well, we only got the one.

Then let's start with the one,

you know, feel it out.

Then when we have that going on,

we'll crush them into bugs

with the mighty replicant feet!

Sweet. Heh heh.

Yes, hot damn.

How long until the replicant cools?

Just a couple more days, man,

and we're all over it.

A couple da--it will be the weekend then,

and I'm going to the lake with fraulein freischmunker!

He's not really ready yet.

The hell he is not! Yank him out of there!

I'm waterskiing Saturday!

All right, man, i--I'll do it.

And he had better look exactly like this!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

♪ blessed be the tie that binds ♪

Ok, ok, Meatwad, just Shake now.

Take it, Shake.

Let it come from your heart, Shake.

♪ Blah, blah, wine, blood ♪

What are you doing? What?

You may be able to get away with that in church, Shake,

but that's not going to cut it here.

Why are we doing this?

Because I want to join the church up the street,

and Meatwad needs to learn some morals and values.

Look at him and tell me there's a god.

He made me in his own image.

Yeah, that's right. God's a big meatball.

I forgot!

He is.

Does he stink like you do?

Hello. I pray to him.

Yes, guten abend. Is this the Master Shake?

Why, is this Hollywood?

Ja, we have your head sh*t,

and we're casting a big movie.

We think you'd be just perfect

for the role of the stupid earth sl*ve!

You think you'd be interested?

I don't know.

You better speak to my agent.

I can't believe it! This is it.

What did I teach ya?

Yes, hello, we want million up front,

% gross, domestic, and international,

all merchandising rights, and--

don't forget about a copy of the movie.

Hold on. And a vhs!

One vhs copy of the movie.

You hear that? Do what he says!

That is good.

I'd like to run through the script with you.

Why don't you come outside right now?

Hell, yeah! Let's go.

This is where the movie is.

Ok, who am I reading with?

Go stand over there next to him.

Oh, my god. This is amazing.

What's up, fellas?

We just need to yank this

out of your head.

Don't touch him! He's a perfect clone.

He looks a little small.

Quick! Give him some heels now!

I'm supposed to be this guy?

Ha. Are you insane?

Get k*lled in stereo, this Christmas.

That'll be the tag line. I can see it now.

I made that up. Remember, I get points...

Can I ask you a quick question?

There's no time. You have your mission.

See that it's accomplished.

Uh, no, I don't.

♪ Hallelujah hallelujah ♪

♪ hallelujah hallelujah ♪

Well, hallelujah. How are you guys?

Who are you?

Your--your best friend, remember--

major Shake?

Mr. Shake?

Hey, let's do some of the things

that we like to do together...

Together.

Ok, everyone into the cart.

Let's all go give blood.

Yeah, the blood drive--

my favorite!

That was a trick. It was?

The real Master Shake thinks that the blood drive

is a pyramid scheme, perpetrated by Dracula

and his night slaves.

Yeah, that's right,

and he ain't my best friend, neither.

He yells at me and scares me

and locks me in the attic

and pours liquid on my head that stink

and sprays me with the fire extinguisher

and a whole bunch of other stuff

I can't remember,

'cause he shocked me in the head

with a car battery

with a bunch of clamps, sponges--

yeah, Meatwad, ok.

And I know he ain't got no stereo sticking out

the side of his neck.

You're not buying it, are you?

Hell no.

You need to come hit me.

Then i'd believe you.

Yeah, let me get out of these heels.

Sure, make yourself comfortable.

Can I get you anything?

Where's the real Shake?

Green guy, where's the craft service table

around here?

I'm hungry, and I need the prop guy.

I need some sunglasses for the scene.

There is no scene!

Who am I playing?

'Cause my character will need to know that.

Oglethorpe, do you remember this guy?

I'm starting to.

And how annoying he was? Remember that?

Yes, and how he scoffed at our magazines!

So, like, uh,

what were we going to do with him?

We will use him for the armies of the night!

But I thought we were going to use

the replicant down there

to do an army of the night.

Different army, dork face!

This army will take over the rest of the galaxy.

Do you see how my mind works?

It's like a laser!

You know, I know you from somewhere.

He must not know who we are.

Paint the mind room!

I'm still not done with the trim on that.

Yeah, they're, uh, they're real stupid.

One time they were going to erase this guy's mind,

but they didn't want to fork out the cash

for the mind-obliteration g*n, as if one existed, right?

They don't?

Anyway, they put a guy in the closet,

they paint it--

they paint the closet, right?

Right.

They put the guy in there

thinking that the paint fumes

will, you know, make him forget.

Yeah?

So that, uh, he wouldn't tell his mom

we hit him in the head with a hammer.

Ha, you--Meatwad, it's not polite to stare.

But look at him.

It's ok, I know, I'm totally hideous.

No, it's cool. I just wondered

if that jam box worked, you know.

Shake threw mine in a cobra cage,

and dared me to go get it,

and that's why i'm all puffy back here.

Hang on, let me see.

There we go.

♪ Big city nights ♪

How were you made?

Were you cloned from Shake's DNA?

Are you kidding?

They gave me his photo, threw me in a pizza oven--

called it a pod-- and told me to wing it

and that it would be cool and that it would work,

and clearly it didn't.

Hmm. I think I met those guys before.

They're not exactly intelligent.

Gee, could you tell by the giant hairy bosoms

that are growing on my back?

Why isn't the earth deterraforming?

Well, he needs to gain their confidence,

and then, um, he can get a job,

and then he can start buying pesticides.

That could take weeks! Look over there.

That's doing some deterraformation, right?

No, man, that's Hawaii.

What's up with the closet?

There's nothing to do in there.

Get back into the mind room! Emory, lock the door!

You--you told me

to paint over the lock.

Oh, for--son of a--

imprison him within the rings!

What the heck?

You'll never move from that spot again,

unless you like being cut in half.

Yello?

The laser rings!

Look, brother, these are nothing

but disco lights.

The installer said they were prison laser rings.

I--i believed him.

Don't listen to him, for he is a witch!

There's somebody on the phone, all right?

I got to go.

Well, give it to us before you possess us

with one of your spells.

I'm telling you, these rings--

over the rings!

You'll drop dead soon! Hello?

Hey, uh, what's up, guys?

Oh, hi, um, major Shake.

How's that plan going?

What plan? Look, they know.

They can see

the real Shake over there

in your friggin' disco lights.

Why is everyone saying these are disco lights?

Look at me! I'm in a movie!

Hey, Shake!

You! Go into the bathroom!

I don't know.

I don't want the deadly rings

to cut me. Go!

How's the deterraforming going?

When, uh--what is deterraforming?

This is the first I've heard of that.

Well, look, look, just settle down.

Can you just, like, maybe try

and replicate some other people

and get an army going, and then, you know,

uh, take over the planet?

Or is that not possible?

I don't know.

I don't think I can replicate others.

Was that your plan?

Well, one of them. We have many plans.

Maybe your next plan should be

to tell me what the plan is.

Look, settle down. It's all cool, man.

No.

No, look at me, dude.

I'm a leaky, disgusting abomination,

and I'm not going to do it anymore.

You know what?

I'm just not going to do it anymore.

Ok, look, just hang loose for about, uh, minutes.

Yeah, just-- just chill,

and we'll get back to you with some notes.

Believe me, this will be so cool

when we figure it out,

but whatever you do,

keep them in the dark about your identity.

...out.

Did they not see me sitting here?

No, I'm sure they did.

It'll come to them later.

Oh, damn it!

That was that man-- the fryman!

He saw us! Seriously?

Hey, you guys got some amazing space-age tubes

running every which way in there.

Oh, ja, they're called pipes.

You should get some!

Man, do you-- do you have a car?

Well, we got a cart.

Did you want me to pull you somewhere?

No. That'll take forever.

Look, I'll just replicate

your neighbor's rig. That'll work.

I thought you said

you couldn't replicate other things.

Well, I don't know that I can't do it.

I will need one of those

amazing, space-age, you know, tubes.

What, a pipe?

Yeah, that.

So, is he not replicating it, or...

No, he's hot-wiring it.

Oh. Well, sh**t, I was hoping

I'd learn something. Science is

a mystery to man, isn't it, Frylock?

Yeah, it sure is, Meatwad.

Why can't I ever evolve from the ancient dinosaur?

I wish I had some of their stuff, boy.

I can tell you, the days of making--

shut up. Damn.

See ya. It's been real.

Really?

Did he say where he was going?

Your friend-- major Shake.

Look, I know he was a replicant

sent here to deterraform our planet,

which would never have worked, by the way.

It's not even a word.

What are you talking about?

Don't flatter yourself

with your jealous fantasies.

What do you want us to do,

sign your freaking yearbook?!

Ok, look, if you see him,

could you just tell him

to get going

on the crab-training project?

And he'll know what you're

talking about. It's cool.

Ok, we'll pass that on.

Danke.

Hey, uh, do you know anything

about crustacean enlarging

or training?

Oh, forget it, Emory!

Your pathetic big mouth

has ruined my plans once again!

So, did they, um, ever find your car?

Oh, they found part of it, you know,

hanging from a trestle near the turnpike.

Yeah, the cop said he had

a straw-like protrusion and a cup-like body.

You know anybody like that?

Well, it wasn't Shake, Carl.

He was abducted by aliens

earlier this afternoon.

Oh, I knew that. Yeah, of course.

He was. Seriously.

I hate you.

So, what are we going to do

with the prisoner?

We shall ask the mighty obnoticus.

Obnoticus, we seek wisdom.

To what evil purpose

shall we put our sl*ve to use?

Maybe he's sleeping.

Do not insult obnoticus,

or you shall be damned forever

to the forbidden zone!

I'm just saying

maybe we should call the installer.

I mean, it's the same guy

that did the laser rings and--

the prisoner!

He's escaped!

I'm over here.

Hey, that disco ball is pretty cool.

This is obnoticus, and he is all-knowing.

Then why ain't he sayin' Jack crap?

Yeah, man, how come?

Because silence is his wisdom.

Obviously he's busy navigating us through the stars.

Oh, my goodness!

Go, go, go, do not look back.

I'm going. Just go.