03x06 - The School Play

[bunniefuu]

-Mom, I'm home!

-Dennis?

Come back here!

Look at that rug.

-Boy, it sure does show

the dirt, doesn't it, mom?

-Young man.

What have I told you about

removing your muddy shoes

before coming into this house?

-Jeepers, mom.

I did. these are my socks.

[theme music]

-I told Mrs. Wilson we'd pick

her up about a quarter of.

-What reason did Mr. Wilson

give for not going to the school

tonight?

-He's expecting a

long distance call

about some property

he owns in Ohio.

-I saw him up on this

roof this afternoon

fixing his antenna so that the

call would come through better.

-Oh Henry.

Now, I'm sure Mr.

Wilson would love

to come to see Dennis

in the play if he could.

-Honey, I've been thinking.

Why don't I drive all of

you over to the school,

and then I think sneak

out and come back

and watch a couple

rounds of the fight.

Then I can get back to school

before anyone would even

know that I was going on.

-Henry Mitchell.

The idea.

Not wanting to see your

own son in his school play.

-Honey, that's not the idea.

It's just that, well, these

championship fights don't come

on television every night

and, well, I-- And--

-What's the matter, dear?

Suddenly at a loss for words?

-Well, no.

It's just that I'm having

a little difficulty trying

to talk with my

foot in my mouth.

-Hey mom!

Which moustache do

you like the best?

This one or this one?

-Oh, I think I like

this one much better.

-Me too.

Be kind of embarrassing

to have the leading man

trip over his own moustache.

-Boy, wait 'til good old Miss

Gilbert sees me with this on.

-Miss Gilbert?

-She's directing our play.

TOMMY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!

-Be right down, Tommy!

Hey mom.

While you're getting

dressed, I think

I'll show good old Mr.

Wilson my marshal outfit.

-That's a good idea, Dennis.

Jeepers, did you see that?

I'm getting so fast, I almost

b*at myself to the draw.

-Henry, help me.

I'm stuck.

-Having trouble, honey?

-Oh you.

-Now who's at a loss for words?

-Oh George, I do wish

you'd change your mind

and come with us.

You did promise

Dennis you'd watch

him star in his school play.

-Now Martha.

How was I to know that the

championship fight would

be postponed from last night

to tonight because of rain?

-Well, I don't think

it's very nice of you.

-Oh.

-After all, you might enjoy it.

-Enjoy it?

Martha, how could

anyone in his right mind

enjoy a play written by a

student in the fifth grade,

directed by a girl's gym

teacher in the fourth grade,

and starting a juvenile blonde

bombshell in the third grade?

-Oh George.

[doorbell]

-Oh, uh, I'll get it, dear.

-Well, if it ain't my good

old partner, Mr. Wilson.

-Great Scott.

-It's me, Dennis!

-Well of course

it's you, Dennis.

Who else could it be?

-Hi Mr. wilson.

-Bobby, never aim

a g*n at someone

unless you intend to sh**t it.

-That's all right, Mr. Wilson.

Tommy's Slim Dalton,

a bad guy in the play.

He's supposed to go

around sh**ting people.

-That's me.

Draw, stranger.

-Now Tommy, stop that.

-Have you ever been

sh*t, Mr. Wilson?

-No, I have never

been sh*t, Mr. Wilson.

-Then why are you so g*n shy?

-Well, because I'm a

careful coward, that's why.

Now, if you boys don't mind.

-My goodness, George.

Who are these Western gentlemen?

-Hi Mrs. Wilson.

It's us.

Me and Tommy.

-Well, who would

ever have guessed it?

-We don't look like the

real us, do we Mrs. Wilson?

-Indeed you don't, boys.

-Hey Mr. Wilson.

-Oh, are you still here, Dennis?

-Would you help Tommy

and me go over our lines?

-That's a swell idea, Dennis.

-Oh, I'm sorry Dennis, but I--

-Just this one last time?

-Dennis.

-Jeepers.

Wait'll you hear what a swell

actor Mr. Wilson is, Tommy.

-Oh.

You really think so, Dennis?

Oh well, all right.

For a minute or two.

I'm expecting an important long

distance phone call soon, and--

-Thanks, Mr. Wilson.

You can be Tommy's

brother, Shorty Dalton.

-That makes you and me twins.

-Oh, joy.

-Here Mr. Wilson.

-Oh, I don't think I'll

be needing that, Dennis.

marshal.

You reckon on taking

us hombres in alive?

You're plum loco.

Right Slim?

-Right Shorty.

-Dead or alive, a mangy

polecat's all the same to me.

-marshal, you try hog

tying us and you'll

be the sorriest, deadest

law man in these here parts.

Right, Slim?

-Right, Shorty.

-Gee you're a swell

actor Mr. Wilson.

-Oh.

Thank you, Tommy.

-Mr. Wilson used to be

a real famous actor,

didn't you, Mr. Wilson?

-Well, I wouldn't go quite so

far as to say that, Dennis,

but I understand they're

still talking about my Hamlet

back at Minooka High

School to this very day.

-Gee.

-Yes.

Now, where were we?

Oh yes.

Slim.

On the count of three,

let's put this here

critter out of his misery.

Right Slim?

-Right, Shorty.

-One.

Two.

Goodbye, Marshal.

-Reach!

Put your hands up.

Now, don't try any funny

Mighty fine day for a twin

hanging, ain't it, boys?

HENRY (OFFSCREEN): Dennis!

-Coming, dad!

Come on, Tommy.

-Well, that-- Uh.

Wait Tommy.

-They're-- They're stuck on my.

That's funny.

-Well, come on, Dennis.

-They never locked before.

-Well, they're locked now.

Use the key.

-OK.

-Well?

What are you waiting for?

-I just remembered, Mr.

Wilson, we don't have a key.

-Oh, you don't have the

key-- You don't have the key?

-Uh oh.

Now we're really twins.

-Oh good grief.

-Oh, it's no use Mr. Wilson.

This isn't even making a dent.

-Oh, this is awful.

Martha!

-Thank you, officer.

George.

They've located Sergeant Mooney.

He's on his way over.

-Oh, thank goodness.

-All right now, Martha.

Get hold of Buzz, just in case.

-Yes dear.

-I just can't understand

Sergeant Mooney

not giving those boys a key when

he loaned them the handcuffs.

-He said we wouldn't need one.

Sergeant Mooney said

they were so old,

they wouldn't lock anyway.

-Oh the old windbag did, did he?

-Boy, is Herman

Snell gonna be mad.

-Who's Herman Snell?

-He's the kid that's

supposed to play

the part that Mr.

Wilson may have to play.

-Now, see here, Dennis.

If you think for one minute--

-Buzz doesn't answer.

-Fine.

One locksmith for

this whole town

and he's never around

when you need him.

-Well, hello folks.

All right, where is

this desperate criminal?

-Hi, Sergeant Mooney.

-Hi Dennis.

Well, well George.

So society finally

caught up with you.

-Oh, Mooney.

Stop trying to be funny.

And just use the key.

-Heh heh.

Use the key.

-What's so funny

about using the key ?

-George.

Those handcuffs haven't

had a key since .

-Oh dear.

-Mooney.

As a taxpayer, I demand that you

do something, and do it fast.

-Aw, you do, do you?

-Sergeant, the children's

play begins in less than half

an hour.

-And Tommy's supposed

to be handcuffed

to his twin brother,

Shorty Dalton.

-Now, Mooney, what

do you say to that?

-Hiya, Shorty.

-Sergeant Mooney, don't

you have any suggestions?

-Well, we could call up Buzz.

-He's not home.

-Suppose I find him and tell

him to go over to the school

and meet you folks.

-That's an idea.

-Oh, well at last

we're-- Oh, the school?

No I can't.

Well, in less than

minutes, my-- my call

might come through.

-Goodness dear.

In all the excitement,

I forgot to tell you.

The long distance

operator called before

and said your call

has been postponed

until tomorrow morning.

-Now Martha.

-Yes dear?

-Well, imagine that.

-Hey, Mr. Wilson.

When you get loose, you'll

be able to stay and watch

our play.

Isn't that swell?

-Yeah, swell.

-Oh yes.

That's just peachy dandy.

-Better get going.

I'll find Buzz.

Oh, by the way, Tommy.

If the prisoner tries

to get away, sh**t him.

-Mr. Wilson!

Mr. Wilson!

Sergeant Mooney found him.

Buzz is parked outside

and he's on his way.

-Thank you, thank you.

-He got himself locked in

his basement by mistake.

-Oh my.

Get me out of these

miserable things, Buzz.

-Well, they're locked.

-I know they're locked, man!

-Can't you hurry?

The show is about to begin.

-Anybody got a hair pin?

-A hair pin?

-You mean we're gonna

open it with a hair pin?

-Jeepers.

Did you hear that, Mr. Wilson?

-Well, seeing is

believing, Dennis.

-Oh, never mind.

It's unlocked.

-It is?

-My tool kit.

-Great Scott, what's that?

-No, no, Lester.

The overture is

on the other side.

Come on, children, there's

lots to be done yet.

Oh, put that bear

rug over there.

And you children get those

things on stage, all right?

Now then, if we could just--

Oh dear, Mr. Mitchell.

It's-- It's so hectic back here,

I'm afraid I must insist that

you, uh--

-Yes, uh, come on, girls.

We're just adding

to the confusion.

-Good luck, dear.

-Jeepers, mom.

You don't kiss

marshals in public.

-George, we'll save

a seat for you.

-Oh, don't bother.

If I ever get out

of these, Martha,

I'm going straight to the

hospital for a long rest.

-Miss Gilbert.

Are they-- Oh no.

This can't be happening

to me It can't!

It simply can't!

-Now dear, everything's

going to be fine.

Come on.

-That's Vera Phillips.

She's the author.

-Vera's kinda nutty.

-Hey!

-Stand still, Dennis.

I've got to age you.

-Can't you work faster, Buzz?

-Now, don't rush me, Mr. Wilson.

Every time I get

rushed, I get nervous.

And whenever I get

nervous, I get to itching.

And whenever I get to

itching, I gotta scratch.

Couple of weeks ago, a woman

just put me in the hospital

for almost a week.

Her husband was in the

same hospital, too.

He had the itch.

She made him so nervous--

-Oh, all right.

Never mind, Buzz.

Just get on with your work.

Dennis, don't crowd him.

-Will you quit horsing around?

-Horsing around.

Ha ha ha!

-Boys, boys.

No, this way.

Back this way.

Back by the window.

Quickly!

That's it.

[crying]

-Who's that?

-That's Herman Snell.

-He's the real Shorty Dalton.

-Well, I'm going to be

able to open them OK.

-That's a relief.

-Buzz can open anything.

Miss Gilbert, Buzz is

gonna open the handcuffs.

-Well, good.

-Now all I have to do

is to run home and make

a key from that wax impression.

-Run home?

-Oh, but you can't.

There isn't time.

-I'm sorry.

That's the only way.

-Well, all right.

Get up and do it.

Go!

Don't hang around.

Oh, Miss Gilbert, you'll just

have to hold that curtain.

-Hold the curtain?

With the superintendent

of schools out there?

And to think I could

have been a librarian.

-Would you like another

glass of water, Miss Gilbert?

[BASEBALL GAME PLAYING OVER

RADIO]

MALE SPEAKER (ON RADIO):

sticks out his own left hook,

which Fuller catches on his own.

-Miss Gilbert, I tell you,

this whole idea is ridiculous.

-Mr. Wilson, we may

have no alternative.

-Now wait a minute.

I have no intention of

going out on that stage

and making a fool of myself.

-Mr. Wilson, unless that

locksmith returns very soon,

you have no choice.

-Jeepers, Tommy.

You should see all the people.

-Can you see my folks?

Can you see my folks, Dennis?

-Yeah, Tommy.

Right in front.

Your dad keeps trying

to get up, and your mom

keeps jerking him back down.

-That's my pop, OK.

-What can be taking

Buzz so long?

-Maybe he got hungry.

-OK, come along, children.

Hurry.

Lester, come along.

Now, we're just going

to have to face it.

The show must go on.

Now, are you ready?

-But I can't go out there.

I-- I don't even know the part.

-Now, now, we know

differently, Mr. Wilson.

And I'll be under that trap

door, hidden by the bear rug,

ready to prompt you.

-Oh, well that's a great

comfort-- young man,

will you stop staring at me?

-Oh, Herman, come along.

Come on, dear, dear.

Hurry, please.

-Where is Buzz?

-I've got them, Dennis.

-Thanks, Margaret.

-What's all this?

What?

-Boy, you've sure got

a big head, Mr. Wilson.

-Margaret, what are you doing?

-His middle's big, too.

This g*n belt won't even

go halfway around him.

-Give me it, Margaret.

That means you've gotta use

an extra piece of string.

-Dennis, I am not

wearing any string,

I'm not wearing this

silly hat, and I

am not going out on that stage.

Is that clear?

-But jeepers, Mr. Wilson.

You got one of the swellest

parts in the whole play.

-You even get to die in the end.

-Well, lucky me.

BUZZ (OFFSCREEN): Mr. Wilson!

-It's Buzz!

Buzz is back!

-Mr. Wilson, I got the key made.

-Oh, good.

Well, come on, man!

Well?

What's the matter?

-It won't fit.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have

to file it down some.

-Oh, no.

Well, file it!

File it!

But hurry!

Hurry!

-Oh, the last

number's almost over.

-Oh, well, faster, Buzz!

Faster!

-Once more, honey.

-I wonder what's

happening with George?

-The part of Shorty, which was

to have been played by Herman

Snell, will be played instead

by, by Mr. George Wilson.

-Oh, dear.

-Now we know what's

happening with George.

[applause]

[neighing]

-Good old Spotty.

I couldn't have caught

'em without you.

Lester!

-You callin' me,

Marshal [inaudible]?

-Bring in the Dalton

twins, Lester.

-Anything you say, marshal.

-It's no use, Mr. Wilson.

It just won't work.

-Well, keep filing, Buzz!

This is no time to quit!

-Mr. Wilson, Mr. Wilson,

you're on, you're on!

-I'm-- oh, no, no, no,

I'm not going out there.

Now go away, go away.

-I found it, I found it.

-You found what?

What?

Ah.

Get that thing off me, Margaret.

-Step on it, Tommy.

Hurry.

-File it.

-File it.

File it.

Keep filing.

What are you doing?

-Margaret.

Hurry.

-Please cooperate, Mr. Wilson.

-What are you do--

-Lester!

-We're having a little

trouble, Mr. [inaudible].

-Mr. Wilson, remember

what Shakespeare said.

The show must go on.

-Oh, you lady.

For your information,

Shakespeare

made no such quotation.

And as for me, this

show'll go on without me.

-Lester!

-I have made up my mi-- No!

-Well, Shorty?

Well, Shorty?

What do you gotta

say for yourself now?

-I, uh, uh--

-I've broken out

of better jails.

-Oh, I've broken out of better

jails than this in my sleep.

Uh, right Slim?

-Right Shorty.

-Oh father.

Father.

-Hello daughter.

-Oh, father.

There's been talk of a lynching.

-Oh, howdy gal.

-Oh, Shorty.

-Hark.

Mr. [inaudible].

The crowd in the

square's getting ugly.

-Let me see, mister.

[g*nsh*t]

-Yep.

They're getting

uglier all right.

-Psst.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): I'll

tell you what you do, Lester.

Keep your eyes on them twins,

and don't let nary one of them

move.

If they do, let them have it.

-Start rocking.

-That crowd's getting a

might uneasy, all right,

Mr. [inaudible].

-That crowd's getting a

might uneasy all right.

What do you have

to say for yourself

to that, Shorty Dalton?

-Uh, Oh.

Oh, my g*ng won't let me down.

Right Slim?

-Right Shorty.

-Well, you'll get no

help here, Shorty Dalton.

-Oh yes he will, father.

-Why thank you, gal.

Marshal.

At the count of three,

supposing we two

try to decide which

one of us varmints

is a might slow on the draw.

You ready?

-I'm a-waiting, shorty.

-One.

Two.

Uh, two and a half.

I'm loose.

I'm free!

-Mr. Wilson!

[shouting]

-Mr. Wilson, you

haven't been k*lled yet!

-Close the curtains.

Close the curtains.

-But the play isn't

over, Mr. Wilson!

-It is, as far as I'm concerned.

-Oh, I tell you, Martha,

after last night,

the only thing to do

is to sell the house

and move away to someplace

where I am not known.

-George you're just

being plain silly.

-I a--

[doorbell]

-Uh oh.

-Hello.

-Hi Mrs. Wilson.

-Good morning.

Come on in.

-How's our favorite thespian

taking the morning after?

-Not too well, I'm afraid.

George.

It's the Mitchells.

-I know Martha.

I hear.

Morning Alice.

Morning Mitchell.

-Have you read the review

of last night's activities

in the morning paper?

-Oh no, I don't

want to, Mitchell.

I have no desire to.

-But everybody loved it.

-Oh now, Alice.

Don't try to salve the

wounds of the court jester.

-And I know not who's

stroke of genius

was responsible for putting an

adult in a children's farce,

but it was without doubt,

the artistic brilliance

of our own talented,

humorous George Wilson,

who made the evening

the success it was.

-Why, I don't believe it.

Martha.

Did you hear that?

-I certainly did, dear.

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Mr. Wilson!

Hi mom.

Hi dad!

-Young man.

Why aren't you in school?

-Cause Miss Gilbert sent

me home during recess

to tell Mr. Wilson how

good he was last night.

-Well, what is there to say

except, talent will out, huh?

-And she says to be there

at : sharp tonight.

-All right.

: sharp it will-- : sharp?

For what?

-They're gonna do the

play all over again.

Just like last night.

But this time, for charity.

-Oh great Scott.

[theme music]