01x05 - Deck the Mall

[bunniefuu]

[Playing "Deck the Halls"]

So, what do you want for

Christmas?

You haven't started shopping

yet?

Are you crazy?

You'll be buried alive!

Funny, that's what Jonesy

said when he asked me to pick up

his secret Santa gift for you.

You mean, he's not even

buying his gift myself?

Oh, jerk!

Okay, CuJo goalie pads in size

, and a Leafs jersey in an .

No, I wanted the goalie pads

in size , and the jersey in a

.

I'm on a break; can you speed it

up?

Excuse me, Miss, could you

just have a quick peek for my

tennis balls?

I think they're in.

Could you just have a quick boo?

Ha ha... little looky?

Right, just a minute, sir.

I was thinking we could do

our secret Santa at Grind Me.

That way we could sip hot

chocolates while we open

presents!

Caitlin, I really don't have

time for this right now.

Ow!

Isn't that cute?

I think he wants to learn

badminton!

Adorable.

I'll wrap it up for you.

I hope he plays with it in the

house.

Masterson!

Customer needs a fitting for a

new jockstrap!

Aisle three, stat!

Ahh... ooh!

♪

I'll be right back.

I don't think so.

[Jen screaming]

I hate working Christmas!

I hate working Christmas!

Stupid, annoying, pushy,

last-minute customers!

Aaahh!

Merry Christmas.

♪

♪ Life begins after school

♪ That's when we bend

all the rules ♪

♪ Time to hang

with all my friends ♪

♪ We like to be together

in a place where we belong ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Starting to find my way

♪ Got a new job

♪ Gonna start at

the mall today ♪

♪ Thank God I'm on my own

for the first time ♪

♪ I'm sixteen

♪ Life is sweet

♪ When you're growing up

so fast ♪

♪ You got to make the good

times last ♪

♪

♪ I'm sixteen, sixteen

♪ Got to make the good

times last ♪

So what do you think?

You really want to know?

I hate it.

Snap-ish.

Are you okay?

Yeah, you don't look so good.

I'm fine.

Nuh-uh.

I've seen you live through

inventory without even messing

up your hair.

Something's wrong.

I'm sorry, I just can't get

into the holidays this year.

This is the first Christmas

since the big parental split,

huh?

Yeah.

That's so harsh.

But that's not the worst of

it!

What do you mean?

We didn't want to tell you

guys, but Jonesy's dad and my

mom are kind of...

dating!

Whoa...

No way...

Why didn't you tell us?

I don't know.

I just don't like picturing my

parents going on dates.

It's weird.

It's totally weird.

I wonder if they kiss with

tongue.

Ew, Jude!

Jude!

What?

Did you think they were gonna

stay your innocent little

parents forever?

Anyway, my dad's away, so my

sister Courtney and I have to

spend Christmas break with

Jonesy and his stinky brothers.

And they have all these stupid

traditions we're expected to

adopt or something.

At least you and Jonesy are

friends.

Trust me, spending an entire

weekend with him is a completely

different thing.

You do not know disgusting

until you share a bathroom with

three boys.

It's so rank after they leave,

you don't even have time to make

a face.

You just go blind.

Ew, gross!

Are they all like that?

Pretty much.

Great news, guys... Santa's

ulcers are acting up.

That's good?

Good for me.

The job's up for me, and it's a

sweet deal.

You get to sit on your butt all

day!

Wish me luck!

That is what I have to look

forward to.

I might as well accept that it's

never going to be the same.

Well, we'll just make our own

super-fun Christmas tradition

here!

The mall closes early, so why

don't we all do something fun

after presents, like go for

pizza?

Sounds like a plan, Stan.

Sick.

We're supposed to come right

home after work.

Besides, right now, I can't wait

to get out of this mall.

I'm not wearing that.

But it's Christmas!

Put it on.

Put it on!

Okay, okay...

Happy?

And I know you're busy, so

I'll help you do your shopping.

Come on!

Go ahead, dudettes.

I've got presents to wrap.

You're gonna make someone very

happy tomorrow, Mr. Ball.

Okay, you're starting to get on

my nerves, dude!

[Snickering]

[Man humming]

Hey, watch where you're

going, monkey-boy!

Everyone has lost it.

Ugh, working at the mall on

Christmas bites.

Hey, did you hear about Jen

and Jonesy's parents hooking up?

Jen's kind of freaking out.

I don't blame her!

So, if they got married, that

would make Jen and Jonesy

step-siblings?

Yeah... weird, huh?

Poor Jen.

MAN: Ow!

Aw, man, that's the third one

I've lost today.

Who was that for?

A special guy I like to

call... me.

Jude, you're not supposed to

be shopping for you right now.

I can't help it.

Everything's so shiny and looks

so good!

Yeah, well, I've got three

hours to find something for my

mom, who will hate whatever I

buy anyway, so why do I bother?

Just get her a gift

certificate.

I heard about your mom.

Do you think they kiss with

tongue?

ALL: Jude!

Ugh!

Speaking of gross, did I mention

that Jonesy's family have a

turkey eating contest?

The secret is to eat as much

as you can in the first seven

minutes, before your brain

registers that your stomach's

full.

Thanks.

Any time.

So, why don't you just tell

Jonesy you're not into it?

[Phone ringing]

Be right back.

Hello?

Because my mom made this big

deal about making the boys feel

welcome.

Ugh, it's so Brady Bunch!

Guess what, guys?

Jonesy got the job at Santa's

Village!

Gee, maybe if I'm really

lucky, he'll wear his Santa suit

home!

I know!

Let's all go see him!

Come on, we'll grab everyone.

It'll be fun!

Oh, why not continue the

holiday horror?

Hey, where's Wyatt?

Last time I saw him, he was

in the line-up at Grind Me.

You do not want to be around him

before he's caffeinated.

Hey.

Yo, what's up?

[Groaning]

If I wasn't so tired, I'd be

laughing at those hats.

He is grumpy.

One no-foam, extra-tall

cappuccino.

Ahh...

[Yelling]

I feel weak.

Is my hand shaking.

Don't worry, guys.

This is so gonna cheer you all

up.

Huh?

Oh, my lord...

Whoa...

Well, that cheered me up.

Oh, man...

[Laughing]

Nice look, Jonesy.

Go easy on him, bro.

Poor dude can't find his pants.

[All laughing]

I hate Christmas.

[Band playing "Deck the Halls"]

Where should we look next?

What did you say?

I said, "Where should we

look for Caitlin's present?"

Huh?

I'll give you... $ . if you

stop playing.

[Band stops playing]

Hey, maybe I could find

Caitlin something in here.

EMPLOYEES: Happy holidays!

Give it!

Get it!

Got it!

ALL: Yeah!

Need a gift?

Get them the "somebody loves me"

sweater.

The cast of The O.C.wears them

in our ads.

It's perfect for everyone.

Yeah, and... if you don't get

one, it means nobody loves you.

Really?

Heavy.

I'll take one in the chick size,

and one in my dude size.

Ahem...

But dude, it's the "somebody

loves me" sweater.

What if I don't get one?

Fine, I'll just take the

chick one.

Now, where can I find Nikki?

The Grinch?

Change room duty.

Be right back.

Do I have one of these

already?

Eeee!

Yes, but buy another!

Okay... I am so incredibly

loved!

ALL: Eeee!

WYATT: Please hurry!

Jude, what are you doing

here?

Getting a "love me" sweater.

What are you doing here?

Ugh, hiding.

They think I'm helping someone.

Do you think this is a good

gift.

Ugh, uh...

Well, it depends on whether the

recipient is someone who'd

rather be a fashion sheep or an

individual.

It's for Caitlin.

It's perfect.

Now, scram before they catch me.

GIRLS: Happy holidays!

NIKKI: Ugh.

Guess what.

I got my gift for Jude, your

gift for Wyatt, Jonesy's gift

for you, and Nikki's gift for

me!

What about the line-ups?

I'm a professional, and you

haven't seen aggressive shoppers

until you've been to a sample

sale.

Ugh, this is impossible.

Let me do it.

I'm a master rapper.

[Phone ringing]

Ho, ho, ho... what do you

want?

JONESY: It's me.

y Don't forget to grab the hocke

socks for the Jonesy family

tradition three-legged race

around the tree, okay?

Gotta go.

Ugh!

I can't keep pretending I'm into

all this.

I just want to have things the

way they were.

Excuse me, young lady, can I

get these in another size?

Take a number, tubby.

You just told off Santa

Claus.

Wow, you must be really bummed.

Jonesy hasn't even asked what

I want to do for Christmas.

At least he has Christmas

spirit.

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

Nice tights, ha ha!

That's it!

Don't expect anything from

Santa.

I'm putting you on his naughty

little brat list.

Hello yummy mommy.

Hey, kid.

You forgot your candy cane.

So, beautiful, have you been

naughty or nice?

Hey!

Pervert!

This elf was trying to pick

me up!

You're fired!

I want you out of my village

now!

But... I'm you're little

helper!

[Blowing raspberry]

Oh, I'm gonna get you, kid!

That's it!

This Christmas officially sucks!

[Laughing]

I'm so bagged.

I would've totally scored

that yummy mommy if it hadn't

been for these stupid tights.

Right.

So, did you guys find your

secret Santa presents?

I had to fight off six psycho

bargain-hunters for that.

Okay, grumpy bears.

Christmas cheer for all.

Help yourselves.

That's awful!

What is that?

The eggnog candy-cane

smoothie.

I thought it'd be festive.

Sorry.

Last minute shoppers annoy me.

It's not like Christmas just

surprises you.

It's on the same day every year,

for sobbing out loud, and if I

hear "Deck the Halls" one more

time, I'm gonna k*ll myself!

[Band playing "Deck the Halls"]

[Band stops]

That wasn't very

Christmas-like.

I'm with Nikki.

Working here has stomped all the

holiday cheer I had into the

ground.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho!

Look at me!

I'm Santa!

I can fire elves!

Okay, guys, I know you all

hate Christmas right now, so

let's just do something fun

together.

I could sneak us into a movie

for free!

Shut up!

That would be so great!

I promised I'd go straight

home.

Come on, guys.

Stop being so lame.

Please, please, please?

Two hours, and then you can go.

It'll be our own little

Christmas Eve party.

I could skip the annual

Trivial Pursuit game.

My uncle cheats.

Cool.

I'm in.

Ah, what the heck.

This is gonna be just like a

Saturday night, only

Christmas-ier.

Meet you guys out front.

I've gotta go return this

costume.

Oh, but it's so sexy!

Back at you, Rudolph.

Come on, guys, let's go!

[Heavenly choir]

This may be the best idea

ever!

What the--?

This is so cool of you,

Jonesy.

Think we can agree on a movie?

JONESY: Sure!

JUDE: Yeah.

JEN: No worries.

So what makes your movie so much

better than mine?

Easy: mine's about hot chicks

and spies.

Yours is about a bunch of sweaty

dudes climbing rocks.

It'd be better than Wyatt's

pick.

Just because none of you

actually read, doesn't mean you

wouldn't like the adaptation of

the Longest Hour.

More like the longest three

hours.

It's all good.

We'll settle this the only fair

way.

Everybody, draw.

[Engine revving]

MAN IN FILM: I race cars,

because for those seconds,

nothing else matters, not even

the babes.

I can't believe we're

watching Torque : More Torque.

I won, fair and square,

suckas!

Where are our seats?

I said I could get us in for

free.

I didn't say anything about

seats.

No biggie.

We'll just sit in the aisles.

JONESY: Dude, my foot!

JUDE: Sorry, man!

WYATT: Yo, I can't see squat!

Jen, move, I can't see past

your butt!

I never would've come if I

knew I'd have to sit on the

floor!

What's got her creased?

Something about me leaving

the toilet seat up last night.

I fell in!

Ugh, I hate it when you do

that.

See?

And by the way, it smelled like

a cat d*ed in there.

Ew!

Chilli fries?

I'll get the gum out later.

Let's just sit and enjoy the

movie, okay?

We can try.

Adrenaline junkie guys driving

cars fast.

Gee, can you say "lowest common

denominator"?

Not all the drivers are guys.

Some of them are hot babes.

Oh, yeah!

MAN: Come on, be quiet.

Shut up!

I'm so sorry.

We'll be more quie... ah...

Hi, there...

Oh.

Aahh!

Hold on!

Shh!

If you shush us one more

time, I'm gonna--

What?

We've had six noise

complaints.

You're all going to have to

leave.

Vin Diesel gets in an

accident and dies at the end.

Enjoy.

[Audience booing]

At least we still have the

presents.

Oh, no!

The presents!

I left them outside The Lemon.

Ah, man...

Great.

What do you think the chances

are that they're still there?

I'd say between slim and

none, and slim just left town.

Are you sure you know the

way?

Relax.

I know what I'm doing.

This is the shortcut.

We've been down this hallway

like eight times now.

No, we haven't.

Yes, we have.

Yes, told you I'd find it.

Does anyone notice anything

strange?

It's closed!

We must've been lost for longer

than we thought.

The entrance!

It's locked!

The mall closed at :

today.

Oh, no. You mean we're locked

in.

And the presents are gone!

[Sobbing]

Okay, let's be calm, and not

put the blame on anyone here.

As if!

This is all your fault!

Thanks to your stupid scams,

we're spending Christmas Eve at

the mall.

Excuse me for trying to make

everyone happy.

And we wouldn't have gotten

kicked out of the movie if you'd

kept your big mouth shut.

[Crying]

It was just a movie, Cait.

It wasn't just a movie.

It was supposed to be our

Christmas together.

You've all finally convinced me.

Christmas does suck!

I've been listening to you guys

whine and fight all day long,

while I was wearing myself out

shopping for all your stupid

gifts.

You said it was a breeze.

I lied!

I'm sick of trying to cheer

everyone up.

So if you guys wanna just b*at

each other up, go ahead.

Knock yourselves out!

I'll take a cr*ck at Jonesy.

Oh, yeah?

Ball up, step-sis.

Don't call me that.

See?

This is what I'm talking about.

You two are so lucky!

I used to wish for a brother or

sister, and you've got, like,

five of them!

It would be so fun to have a big

family at Christmas, even if

they did have stupid

turkey-eating contests I didn't

want to be in.

You don't want to be in our

turkey-eating contest?

Not really.

I mean, I can handle our parents

dating, but you can't just take

over everything!

I guess we did kind of take

over the family thing.

Okay, maybe I could be a bit

more flexible.

The stocking race sounds kind of

cool.

Whoa... heavy emo action.

You okay?

Mm-hmm.

Sorry I went postal there, guys.

I just wanted to have a big

Christmas for once.

Kind of a stupid idea, huh?

No way.

It was a great idea.

It was better before all our

presents got stolen, thanks to

me.

Who cares?

We're still friends.

You gotta be pretty stoked about

that.

Jude, that was so sweet!

Um, I hate to break up this

moment, but it looks like none

of us will be suffering through

our usual celebrations.

We're locked in the mall,

remember?

Oh, yeah.

What are we gonna do?

Jonesy, when you were working

security, didn't you take a copy

of the master key?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah!

Can't believe Ron the

rent-a-cop trusted you with a

key that opens all the doors in

the mall!

Including the exit!

We can go home!

Oh, no, we can't.

Not yet.

Guys, we have the master key,

and we have the entire mall to

ourselves!

Right on!

[Cheering]

♪ Christmas is here and we're

gonna have a good time ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

♪ Hanging in the mall with some

really great friends of mind ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

♪ I got the "somebody loves me"

sweater ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na

Ice mochaccino headache!

It hurts!

♪ Na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na

Guess what I just found...

free presents!

Jude!

Dude!

Hey, that looks familiar.

I knew it!

That's my present for Nikki!

Well, it's about time.

I found 'em over here.

It's the lost-and-found!

Our Christmas is saved!

It's not the lost-and-found.

It's a donation box.

Gifts will be picked up

Christmas day, and distributed

to those in need.

Anyone else thinking what I'm

thinking?

Yeah, let's leave them here.

Here's those Christmas

noogies you ordered.

Agh, Jonesy, stop it!

I feel all warm and fuzzy

inside.

When they open my present,

they'll think I love 'em.

Oh, you bought me the

"somebody loves me" sweater!

In what colour?

Pink!

Thank you!

You guys are the best.

Now I remember why I don't

hate working at the mall.

We'd better get home.

Bobbing for presents has

probably already started.

Cool, let's go.

Ahh... I really needed that.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the

first time in history, a

non-relative walked away with

Jonesy's family Christmas cup!

I'll get it back next year,

and by the way, you guys do not

want to know what the bathroom

smelled like after Miss Champion

Turkey Eater here got through

with it.

ALL: Ew...

Use my seven minute tip?

Yes...

Well, this was definitely my

most memorable Christmas.

So, should we make getting

locked in the mall our new

tradition?

Oh, yeah!

Mall's opening any minute.

Finally, things will get back to

normal.

Wait, isn't there some

tradition that happens the day

after Christmas?

Huh?

[Footsteps rumbling]

ALL: Boxing day!

♪