04x06 - The Great Doheny

[bunniefuu]

I'll never forget the first

Time I ever did a magic trick.

I'll never forget the first

Time I ever kissed a girl.

It was this trick called the

Disappearing bottle.

The girl's name was daflene.

See, the trick is you touch

A soda bottle to your head and

It disappears right before

Your eyes.

See, the trick is, you just

Gotta find a cute girl with

Really soft lips and nothin' to

Do.

Observe as I touch the bottle

To my head, and watch it

Disappear.

Disappear. Hey, I'm drake.

Hey, I'm drake.

Hey, I'm drake. Josha kazam!

Josha kazam!

M-maybe I should practice

Some more.

Maybe you should practice

Maybe you should practice some more.

Some more.

So, like six weeks later,

I go to the doctor and he takes

The cast off my arm, right?

So I go home thinkin'

Everything's fine.

But then days later, I'm

In my algebra ii class,

Like totally bored, so I start

Flappin' my hand around and I

Find out my wrist makes this

Funny sound...

Funny sound... [Flicking]

[Flicking]

Why are you doing that?

I'm showing 'em how my wrist

Makes that funny sound when I

Flap it.

[Flicking]

Walk away.

That wasn't nice.

Look, those two have jobs to

Do here, ok? And helen doesn't

Like it when employees--

Yaaaaahhh!!!

That's henry doheny!

He's one of the greatest

Magicians of all time!

He was blaine darvey's mentor!

Hey, when we get home, would

You make me some pudding?

Pardon me.

[Gasps] mr. Doheny.

Yes.

Have we met before?

N-no,

I-i'm just a huge fan of your

Magic, sir.

I remember, I was only seven

When my dad took me to see

You at the san diego mega dome

You at the san diego mega dome and i--[mumbling]

And i--[mumbling]

Never seen anyone do this?

Never seen anyone do this? [Flicking]

[Flicking]

♪ I never thought

That it'd be so simple, but

I found a way,

I found a way,

If you open up your mind,

It's gonna take some time

To realize,

But if you look inside,

I'm sure you'll find,

Over your shoulder,

You know that I told you

I'll always be picking you up

When you're down,

So just turn around,

So just turn around, ooh-ooh-ooh, oooooooh ♪

Ooh-ooh-ooh, oooooooh ♪

I'm up, I'm up, I'm up, I'm

Up, I'm up! Carry on.

I apologize for collapsing.

It's quite all right.

Well, it's--it's such an

Honor to meet you, mr. Doheny.

I'm josh nichols and this is my

Brother drake.

Henry doheny.

Yeah. I know.

So, what are you doing in

San diego?

Well, they've just built a

New barnyard burger down by the

Pier, and they've invited me to

Cut the ribbon at the grand

Opening.

Oh, cool.

You know, mr. Doheny...

Um...i'm sort of

An amateur magician myself.

Could I show you a trick?

By all means.

Ok! Um...

I will just take this ordinary

I will just take this ordinary quarter and...

Quarter and...

Where'd it go?

Well, if you look behind

Henry's ear. Oh, where is it?

Where--oh, oh! Ha ha ha!

Ohh!

Y-y-y-your ear's

Bleeding! What'd I do?!

You've done nothing wrong,

Josh. It's not real blood.

Consider yourself

Consider yourself counter-tricked. See?

Counter-tricked. See?

Oh! Oh!

Oh, that is great. Oh! Mmm!

Hey, listen, henry--henry, if

You need anything while you're

In town, let me give you all my

Info.

Well, that's very kind of

You, josh. You know, you're a

Delightfully awkward young man.

Ah. Everybody says that.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Well, I'm off.

Drake, josh.

Uhhh...is that blood all

Over your face?

Oh. Well, see--

Oh. Well, see-- I don't care.

I don't care.

[Television playing]

[Doorbell rings]

[Doorbell rings] you'll get it.

You'll get it.

Henry, hi!

Hello, josh.

I was in the neighborhood and

Remembered your kind invitation

Of yesterday, so...

How about lunch?

I was thinking you could

Prepare me a sandwich which I

Could then eat.

Yeah, yeah, sure, I'd love to

Make you a sandwich.

Megan, come here!

Hi. What?

Megan, this is henry doheny.

I'm gonna go make him a

Sandwich with some crinkle-cut

Fries and you keep him company.

Henry doheny...

Didn't you used to be like a

Really famous magician?

Hmm.

Why don't you reach into

That decorative trash can and

That decorative trash can and tell me?

Tell me?

Ahh!

A bunny!

Her name is cookie.

If you hold her close, she'll

Lick your nose.

Oh, my god, this is the

Cutest bunny I've ever seen.

Can I keep her?

I insist.

Thanks.

Thanks. You're so cute.

You're so cute.

Pick a card.

Fine.

Now what?

Put it back.

Very good.

So...what's my card?

So...what's my card? Cough.

Cough.

Cough. Now, open it up.

Now, open it up.

Is that your card?

Yeah, but could you do me a

Favor and not make things come

Outta my body?

One big sandwich and a side

Of crinkle-cut fries for

Henry doheny.

And beautifully prepared.

Doheny!

[Belch]

[Belch] do you have any pie?

Do you have any pie?

You are still reading

That magazine?

Yes. Oprah's gone sleeveless.

Yeah, she's a hero.

Go to bed.

Oh, yeah, it's almost

Midnight. Time to jammie it up.

Doheny!

Aah!

Henry--henry, how'd you get in

Our room?!

Yeah. I'm calling the cops.

Drake!

Look, what do you want?

Well, I know of this little

Club downtown where you can hear

The most titillating fusion

Jazz, and I thought you

Gentlemen might like to join me.

They have onion rings.

I don't know. It's pretty

Late. I don't know if our

Parents would let us go--

Hey, josh,

Do you have any foot cream I

Could--aren't you--

Henry doheny.

I thought so!

I've been a fan of your

Magic ever since I was a

Teenager.

What are you doing here?

He hid in our closet and now

He's trying to get me and josh

To go to some fusion jazz club

With him downtown.

The one with the onion

Rings?

The very same.

Oh, can I come?

The more, the magic-er.

I'll go get my keys.

I'll put on some fresh pants!

I'll be glad when you're all

Gone.

Have you seen my pants?

Drake, drake! The magic train

Is leaving! Have you seen my

Is leaving! Have you seen my pants?

Pants?

Hey, why are those guys

Wearing togas?

They're here to see

That movie about ancient rome.

Oh. Where is rome?

Romania?

Hey, you ever seen anyone do

This? [Flicking]

That's awesome!

Hey, do you know I can

Stick my whole fist in my mouth?

You cannot.

Watch.

Anyone for putt-putt?

Not now.

She's about to put her whole

Fist in her mouth.

Ah, that would be some trick.

Would you like to see a better

One?

No.

Sure.

Very well.

First I'll need...

First I'll need... This...

This...

This... Oh! God!

Oh! God!

One...

Two...

Doe-threenie!

What'd you do with her?!

Ha ha ha! A good magician

Never reveals his secrets.

Josh! Dude!

What?!

Your magic friend just made

My date disappear!

Man, I'm sick of that guy always

Bein' around.

I know, he's startin' to bug

Me, too.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

I'm gonna go talk to him. Hurry.

Hurry.

Putt, putt, putt, putt, putt.

Uh, henry...

Could I talk to you for a sec?

Well, of course.

Right over there.

Listen, henry, you're an

Awesome guy. Ok, a-a-and

One of the world's best

Magicians--

Save your breath, josh.

I know where this train's

Headed. You don't want me around

Anymore.

No one does.

What are you talking about?

You're famous.

They just paid you to open up

That barnyard burger place.

They didn't pay me.

I only went there because I had

A coupon.

No one's paid me to appear

Anywhere in over years.

Come on.

It's true.

I have nothing.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go. These are my only pants.

These are my only pants.

Oh, hi. Excuse me.

Have you guys seen a girl,

About yay high? Possibly a fist

In her mouth? Hi, hi. Excuse me.

Have you seen a girl,

About '"? Possibly fist

In her mouth? No?

Come on. Oh, hey.

Did you talk to doheny, tell

Him to stop hangin' around

All the time?

Yeah.

And?

He's gonna be staying at our

House for the next couple of

Months.

Good--what?!

Dude, how could you have done

That? You know I can't--

I can't do--

I can't do-- [tapping]

[Tapping]

[Tapping] how'd I get in here?!

How'd I get in here?!

Hey, would you toss me my

Hey, would you toss me my slippers?

Slippers?

You know, if you're angry about

This, why don't you just say so?

I'm angry about this.

I don't get it. Why can't doheny

Sleep in the guest room?!

'Cause dad doesn't

Want to move his train set.

Oh, come on, just show me one

Trick.

Oh, very well.

Put your hands out and close

Your eyes.

Hands out, eyes closed.

Ha ha! This is so exciting.

Now it's time for me to bed...

But first for you, a shiny head.

But first for you, a shiny head. Doheny!

Doheny!

Ha ha! Check me out!

Honey! Mr. Doheny made me bald!

Well, now that your

Father is hairless and giddy,

What say we hit the hay?

What's that?

Oh, this is my sleep apnea

Machine. I have a terrible

Problem with snoring.

k*ll me.

But with this, I don't snore

A peep.

A peep. Night, henry.

Night, henry.

Night, henry. [Engine humming]

[Engine humming]

All right, that's it!

Drake! Don't!

[Mumbling]

I can't sleep with that leaf

Blower going, all right?

What do you want me to do,

Put him on the street?!

Perfect!

Come on, he's got nothing!

You can't--

Hey. Hey, I know what we can do.

So do i.

Henry--henry is in a

Slump, right?

So?

So, he just needs to get back

On stage and show everyone what

An incredible magician he is.

You know, people'll hear about

It, word'll spread, and he'll

Become rich and famous again and

He won't want to hang out with

Us.

Well, how do I sleep tonight?

Looks like he's asleep.

Let's just turn off his machine.

[Engine shuts down]

[Engine shuts down] [snoring]

[Snoring]

No, no, no, absolutely not.

You won't do a magic show?

No, you can't put ketchup on

An omelet.

It's just wrong.

What do you think

About our idea of you doin' a

Big comeback magic show?

[Sighs] I don't know.

It's been such a long time.

Drake and I will help you.

We'll help you set up the whole

Thing.

Well, I guess I have nothing

To lose.

Perfect!

This friday night.

If you say so.

[Beeps]

Ooh, we're gonna be late for

School. Come on. Let's go.

Yeah. All right.

Come on.

Come on. Oh, my omelet.

Oh, my omelet.

I know a cool trick you could

Do.

Do you?

Mm-hmm.

It's something no magician's

Ever done before and I bet it'd

Put you right back on top.

Do tell.

Ok, grab that pad and pen.

Doheny!

Ok. First note. Stop doing

That.

That. Right.

Right.

Right. Let's do this.

Let's do this.

[Music playing]

Ladies and gentlemen!

Nice outfits!

We are proud to introduce

One of the greatest magicians

The world has ever known.

Henry doheny!

Thank you, thank you, one and

All.

Tonight, I will be performing an

Illusion never before attempted.

Prepare to have your

Imaginations challenged and

Your fancies tickled.

Spotlight!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to

You the box of impalement!

Ooh.

And now...

And now... We begin!

We begin!

Swords!

Swords! Swords!

Swords!

Swords! [Audience gasps]

[Audience gasps]

More swords!

More swords! More swords!

More swords!

More swords! [Screams]

[Screams]

Now, some of you may

Be asking yourselves...

How could any man live with

Four swords thrust through his

Body?

Well, don't ask us.

Ask...

Doheny!

[Gasps]

Are you pointing at the right

Spot?

Yes, I'm pointing to the

Right spot!

Well, where is he?!

Well, where is he?! What is going on?

What is going on?

Doheny?

We need a doctor!

I'm a doctor!

I'm a doctor! Turn on the lights!

Turn on the lights!

Turn on the lights! He's dead.

He's dead.

We are gathered here today to

Celebrate the wonderful life

And cruel death

Of the great henry doheny.

Years ago, henry

Revolutionized magic with his

Trademark illusions: levitating

Monkeys, turning the moon

Brown...

But henry doheny was more than

Just a magician impaled before

Just a magician impaled before his time.

His time.

Henry was a complex man--

Doheny!

What the--he's alive!

That's impossible!

He had no pulse!

Yes, my greatest trick ever.

Henry doheny is back from

Henry doheny is back from the dead!

The dead!

Why didn't you let us in on

The trick?

Yeah, why'd you scare us to

Death?

Boys, it was your reactions

Of horror and guilt that helped

Make the illusion so convincing.

Brilliant.

Yes. Thank you.

Yeah, it's even better than

The transparent trouser trick.

Which reminds me.

Doheny!

Look!

Look! Oh, my!

Oh, my!

I love it!

I love it!

I love it! [Yelling]

[Yelling]

[Television playing]

[Doorbell rings]

You'll get it.

I don't see why--

I don't see why-- now.

Now.

Doheny.

Henry. Hi, come on in.

You know they've been talking

About your trick all over the

News. It was even on

[Span]good morning today.[/Span]

Oh, I know.

In fact, I just signed a

Five-year deal with nero's

Castle in las vegas.

I'll be performing there for

Half a decade to the tune of

$ Million.

That's insane!

Isn't it? Megan...

Since you thought of the trick

That put my career back on

Track, I think you should share

In my good fortune.

For you.

A check for $,?!

Uh, we helped you, too,

Remember?

Yeah.

Oh, I couldn't forget you

Boys.

Here.

Yo-yo's for each of you.

Come, ladies.

We're off to las vegas!

Oh, wait! Mr. Doheny.

Yes?

Before you go, would you

Mind putting my hair back?

People keep laughing at me.

People keep laughing at me. Yeah, it's the hair.

Yeah, it's the hair.

Of course, walter. Eyes

Of course, walter. Eyes closed.

Closed.

Where'd he go?

Vegas.

Mr. Doheny, what about my

Hair?!

Buy a wig! Ha ha ha ha!