So how come you're so smart,
and how come they call you Third?
Well, I guess being smart just happened.
I was named after my mom's cousin's
husband, Clark Griswold II.
I'm the third Clark Griswold.
Clark Griswold Johnson.
Do you have any brothers and sisters?
Yes. They're with my grandma in Kansas...
...except for my oldest sister.
She's working at a strip club in Vegas.
A strip club?
- Where do you live?
- Well, my mom and dad and I...
...are staying with my cousin,
Audrey Griswold.
She's visiting her boyfriend in Indianapolis,
so we're kind of house-sitting for her.
Well, this is where I live.
My dad's a brain surgeon.
What's your dad do?
- He works in nuclear research.
- Oh, he's a nuclear scientist?
Well...
...not exactly.
We inject them with nuclear waste
and study their brain waves...
...and other organs to examine
the effects of the waste...
...on various species of anthropoids.
Fascinating, professor.
But tell me, they're playing tic-tac-toe
and the chimpanzee appears to be winning.
How is this possible?
Because the monkey is smarter.
I'm sorry, Eddie, we got this directive
from Washington and they're cutting costs.
We've been ordered to cut
our study group by half.
So from now on we're only
working till noon?
No, Eddie, I'm afraid this
is between you and Roy.
One of you has to go.
Gee, Roy, that's a tough break.
But don't worry, you'll land on your feet.
It's not Roy we're letting go,
Eddie, it's you.
Well, why don't you fire him?
I mean, what does he got that I ain't got?
His brain waves register
more distinctly than yours.
- Which one's mine?
- The one labeled "Eddie."
I'll check other branches and see if there's
anything else available for you.
Oh, Eddie...
...merry Christmas.
I can't understand why they'd
let me go just before Christmas.
And I worked hard too.
I even helped plug the wires in my head.
That's more than Roy did.
It's just like the time the goat
kicked me in the teeth...
...for milking her with the vacuum cleaner.
Eddie, don't feel so bad.
You know that monkey's pretty smart.
Oh, you'll find another job.
You're real good at it.
Yeah, you've done it lots of times.
I'm just a total flop, let's face it.
No, Eddie, not total.
It's true, Mom. Total.
I mean, this is the sixth job Dad's lost
since they foreclosed on the farm.
And now he's lost out to a monkey.
- Third, that's a terrible thing to say.
- No, the boy's right.
I'm just one big disappointment.
I'm sorry I let you down.
You're not a failure.
And we have a lot to be thankful for.
We got a wonderful family,
we're all together.
Well, except for four of the kids,
who are staying with Grandma...
...and our daughter who's in show business.
But we've got one smart kid.
- Yeah, who thinks his daddy's dumb.
- Eddie, no.
No, Third has faith in you.
And he thinks you're real smart.
Well, he thinks you have
a good sense of humor.
I know this has been a big disappointment
to you, but we'll figure something out.
- At least we've got a roof over our heads.
- Yeah, but for how long?
I bet in a year or two Audrey will get sick
of us living here, feeding us...
He thinks I've got a real good
sense of humor?
- That's it! Goldarn it, I'm gonna do it!
- What?
I'm gonna take a hot bath, I can't sleep.
Know what the preacher said
that time I got fired from that job...
...testing them secondhand recliners?
"Things can only get better."
That was the day before the bank
foreclosed on the dirt farm.
Catherine.
- I'll take it from here.
- Audrey left us these emergency numbers.
I'm gonna call the -hour
emergency plumber. They never close.
I never did trust indoor plumbing.
I can't reach them, the line's busy.
- We're gonna be washed away!
- A boy to do a man's job.
I need bigger equipment!
Hi, and merry Christmas.
This is the Ever Ready Plumbing Service.
- Merry Christmas to you.
- Using your touchtone phone...
... please select from the following menu
to accommodate your needs.
- I have a big problem here.
- For our sales department...
... for the latest in bathroom and kitchen
fixtures, press and merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- If you would like our billing department...
... for your latest billing information or to ask
about our handy layaway plan, press .
Unless you'd like to talk to Wally Evan,
our vice president of Finance.
That office is open from a.m. To p.m.,
and did I wish you a merry Christmas?
Yes, you did, merry Christmas to you.
Can you hear me?
- To talk to our president, Harry Burns...
- Stop. Stop it, I'm losing it.
- Hello?
- For Kathleen, Harry's secretary...
... or Julie Lynch in Personnel or...
Or if you'd like our four-color brochure...
... on our imported Parisian bidets,
press and ask for Antoine.
Call between the hours
of a.m. And p. M...
... and have a safe, secure,
pleasant Christmas.
Oh, hi, Eddie, I didn't see you come in.
I have your severance check.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thanks, Jennifer.
What are you doing here?
You here for your severance check?
Yeah. Professor Doornitz,
I wanted to talk to you.
I've been thinking, you know,
and, well, I really like this job...
...and I was wondering if you could
kind of reconsider...
...letting Roy go and keeping me on?
He ain't that smart.
He's just pretending to read.
Oh, dear.
I'll get it, I'll get it.
You know, the thing about
atomic energy and monkeys is...
He'll be fine. You pumped
so much atomic waste into him...
...that the area where the chimp
bit him healed immediately.
Thank God. And most importantly,
the chimp is okay.
What about a possible lawsuit?
This guy's got one hell of a case.
He's not too bright.
I'll think of something.
An all-expense-paid Christmas vacation
on an island in the South Pacific!
But you didn't get your job back.
They kept the monkey.
Well, Roy, he had a contract. Ironclad.
You lost another job...
...and you and the monkey
were the only ones who applied.
I mean, this is just another disaster...
...like when you had
to quit being a mail-order dentist...
...after you stapled
the mayor's mouth together.
Third, your father remembers that.
You don't have to remind him.
I think this is exciting,
a Christmas vacation in the South Seas.
Tropical nights,
beautiful white beaches, luaus.
No cable TV, probably no fast food.
They got fast food.
They've got fried food everywhere.
I think we should look at this positively.
We've never had a real vacation.
It'll be an adventure.
You know, Professor Doornitz,
he said that we're staying...
...in the best motel
in the whole Pacific Ocean.
It'll probably be in a tree.
Why don't I stay here
with Cousin Archie for Christmas?
- I mean, Paige is here.
- No. Now, we're gonna stick together.
No kid of mine's going off
on their own till they're .
Catherine, Cousin Eddie...
...I’m gonna k*ll myself.
Merry Christmas.
- Audrey, what's wrong?
- What happened?
Daniel and I, we broke up.
It's over.
The great love of my life, and it's over.
I will never find true love again.
I'm thinking about k*lling myself.
Or eating large amounts of ice cream.
I'd go for that ice cream deal.
Could you imagine something that
terrible happening right before Christmas?
I mean, we were perfect together.
We both liked the History Channel
and Japanese food...
...and raindrops on roses
and little whiskers on kittens.
But Audrey, if you were so great together,
why'd you break up?
- I found out he was married.
- That'll do it.
Thanks for inviting me to stay with you
at the hotel in Maluka, Catherine.
I need total relaxation,
and the South Pacific sounds just great.
It'll be great having you with us.
And, you know,
Eddie needs relaxation too...
...what with him losing
his atomic research job.
I don't know why, boy, but I got a feeling
this trip's gonna be real good for us.
I don't know why either, Dad.
Hey, Snots.
Snots, go get it.
Go get it, Snots. Go get it. Go on.
When they test Eddie
for reaction from all that stuff...
...he's exposed to,
does it have any effect on him?
No, he's fine.
And the plate in his head...
...has become quite a good bug zapper.
Just fries those little fellas.
Yeah, I know things ain't been so great
for us the last , years, boy...
...but, you know,
maybe this is a new beginning.
Maybe this is a time
when things start to go right.
Visiting a new...
...country.
Maybe I just needed this time
to follow my passion.
You know, Audrey, Eddie's really worried.
He's sort of run out of careers.
I don't know if you've noticed,
but he's not perfect.
- No one in his family is.
- Third's perfect.
Yeah, Third's perfect.
He takes after my side of the family.
All of our other kids take after Eddie.
Except for our daughter.
She's a marvelous stripper.
Come on, Snots.
Come on, now, go get it.
You should have never let
the agency off the hook.
The monkey bit you and you took
a Christmas vacation.
We could've found a lawyer
and sued them for a fortune.
I don't think so.
Professor Dawrence,
he felt that I insulted Roy.
Snots.
Hey, hey, here, go get it.
- Hello.
- Merry Christmas.
Can I come in?
Uncle Nick, merry Christmas.
Audrey, this is Eddie's Uncle Nick.
What's wrong?
- Nothing. Can I come in?
- Uncle Nick.
This is a surprise.
What are you doing here?
Merry Christmas, I came here to die.
Now can I come in and die sitting down?
So Aunt Jessica ran off
with the Christmas tree delivery man?
A -year-old delivery man.
I didn't know they delivered.
A -year-old runs off
with a -year-old grandmother?
I didn't think grandmothers thought
about sex and stuff like that.
Apparently the thought entered her mind.
I'm so sorry, Uncle Nick.
I'm sure she'll come back to you.
She was when we were married.
I was the first man who ever touched her.
I guess now there's a second.
How come you're wearing
a Santa Claus jacket?
When he took off with Jessica he grabbed
my good jacket and left me with this.
I just can't sit around that house
all day all alone, Eddie.
I thought I might
spend some time with you.
Gee, Uncle Nick,
Roy bit me on the ass and I lost my job.
We're all taking off on an all-expense-paid
Christmas vacation.
- You lost another job?
- Yeah.
Roy bit you on the ass?
Who's Roy?
Oh, me and Roy, we work together.
But we're all flying out tomorrow.
Audrey's coming with us.
Daniel was married.
Daniel? Who's Daniel?
Oh, never mind, I don't care.
Where are you going on your vacation,
somewhere warm?
- It's hot.
- I'm going with you.
I don't like Christmas when it snows.
It's too sentimental.
- Eddie, we're gonna miss the plane.
- I have two more.
- We got room for this one?
- Sure.
- Third, did you give Snots his pill?
- Yeah, he's getting tired already.
He's got a little bit of gas.
Yeah, vet gave him something
to calm him down. He's never flown before.
Then again, neither have I.
Attention passengers.
Please watch your luggage...
... your children and all other valuables.
And merry Christmas.
No, look at the line.
We'll never make the plane.
Let's go.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thanks a lot.
- This is all right.
- Thanks a lot.
- Merry Christmas.
- Anyone lose a bowling ball?
Anyone lose a bowling ball?
Come on!
I hear sometimes they run out of peanuts.
- Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas.
No, I'm fine.
No damage. I've got all the usual
number of arms and legs.
I'm sorry, I didn't even see you.
Oh, yeah, it's quite all right,
you know, just a few superficial breaks.
- This happens to me all the time.
- You're a foreigner, ain't you?
- What are you?
- I'm English.
- Well, you sure do talk pretty.
- Thanks. We did invent the language.
- No hard feelings?
- No feelings whatsoever.
He's all right, he's English.
I understood every word he said.
Merry Christmas. Raise your arms, please.
Attention. Attention, please.
Did anybody lose this?
Hey, look at all those people
down there. They look like ants.
Those are ants, Dad.
The plane hasn't taken off yet.
Boy, that's a big ocean out there.
Lot of water!
- Peanuts, gentlemen?
- Lunch.
Thank you!
Don't cry, Audrey, it's only a book.
I'm not crying about the book,
I'm crying about Daniel.
Everything reminds me of him.
These peanuts. He used to love peanuts.
He's the love of my life, Catherine.
I'll never love again, never.
I'll never see Indianapolis again.
Isn't that what you said about Dashiell?
That was just a passing thing.
- I thought you went with him for a year.
- It passed slowly.
Actually, Dad, the Pacific Ocean
is , million square miles...
...in area, times the size
of the United States.
It was named by the explorer Magellan,
because when he saw it...
...it was so tranquil he called it the Pacific.
Peanut?
Thank you.
Where's the bathroom?
Oh, thank you.
- How beautiful.
- Look at that.
Isn't this nice, Audrey?
Well...
Here.
Here you go, Uncle Nick,
this one here is willing.
Third, you see about getting Snots
out of the baggage area?
They're bringing him out, Dad.
He's still asleep.
The local authorities insisted
that they fumigate him first.
They didn't like the way he smelled.
That's funny, I never noticed
he smelled bad.
Dad, small animals pass out
when he walks by them.
- Hi, are you the Johnson family?
- Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
- Hello.
- I'm Muka Laka Miki, Mr. Johnson.
I work for the Atomic Testing Agency
here on Maluka. You're our guests.
Well, nice to meet you, Muka Licka Hickey.
Eddie...
This is my wife, Catherine.
And cousin Audrey
and our son Third III.
And this here's Uncle Nick.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
Nick... Nick Jugson, at your service.
I'll get you to your motel.
Then I thought you'd want the rest
of the day to get unpacked.
And then tomorrow
I could show you the island.
The agency wants to give special treatment.
They're sorry about the monkey biting you.
Well, I heal fast, but if this is the way
you folks show your apologies...
...that monkey can bite my ass every day
of the week and twice on Sunday.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
- Good to see you.
You folks sure are treating us in style.
Well, I've planned a big day for us.
This morning we're gonna walk
around the town.
Visit native shops, and I need a manicure.
Then we can change into beach clothes
and have a native Christmas cookout.
Sort of a mini luau.
And this afternoon
I've chartered a small boat...
...and I thought we'd tour the island.
That sounds great.
You hear that, Uncle Nick?
We're going on a boat.
That's what an old sailor wants to hear!
Snots. Snots, here.
Hey, whose seaplane is that over there?
That's Jack Malpey. Melbourne Jack.
He's an Aussie.
He owns a hotel near here on his own
private island. He's a great guy.
There's more coming, honey.
Boy, these ribs are great.
Ribs and pineapple, those are
our big Christmas dishes. And fried eel.
- Fried eel?
- Fried?
Am I invited for lunch?
Sure, Jack, come on in.
- Hi, Muka Laka Miki. Thanks for the invite.
- Hi, Jack, how are you?
Hi, I'm Audrey Griswold. We just arrived.
Love the island, fabulous place.
- Are you married?
- Hi there, we're the Johnsons.
I'm Eddie, this here's Uncle Nick...
...that's my boy,
and here's my wife, Catherine.
- Eel?
- Like I said, this is a beautiful place.
- Would you like to take me on a tour?
- Sure.
- What a charming man.
- What's that smell?
Oh, that's a good one.
It's time for the boat, you guys.
Let's pack up.
Oh, okay. Third, grab your stuff.
And someone put out the fire.
- I'm full.
- Well, you just sit and digest. I'll pack up.
Snots. Snots, here.
I hope we got a pooper on this thing.
That fried eel's headed due south.
Captain Lynch.
It's from Captain Lynch.
His wife is having a baby
and he has to deliver it.
He says we can take the boat out if we
want to, if we know how to run a boat.
- Do you know how to run a boat?
- No, I fish lots in a creek.
- But didn't have no boat. I'm willing to try.
- Forget it.
I've got more salt under my armpits
than you ever sailed on.
Leave it to me.
I was in the Navy.
Why should this be different
from an aircraft carrier?
The key.
All right.
Sometimes you just don't think
of the easy things.
Shouldn't we untie this first?
Eddie, get out and cast off.
Uncle Nick!
- Okay, where is it?
- What's wrong?
The compass. I can't find the compass.
Every boat has a compass.
- Maybe we should head back to shore.
- I think that's a good idea.
I got a big fish!
Hold on!
Careful, honey, you're all tangled.
Get a Kn*fe!
- Get a Kn*fe!
- I don't have a Kn*fe.
I have scissors in my purse, Eddie!
Get a Kn*fe!
Honey, I... Hold on!
Get a Kn*fe!
I have scissors, Eddie!
- Hold on, Mr. Johnson!
- Call me Eddie!
Hold on, Eddie!
Uncle Nick, Uncle Nick, the boat's going
backwards, make it go forwards!
Oh, Eddie, you were wonderful!
I almost had it!
Did you see that?
That fish was the biggest fish I ever saw!
That thing must have weighed
, pounds!
I'm sure!
- Man the lifeboats!
- There are no lifeboats.
Eddie, where's the rest of you?
- Eddie, are you all right?
- Hey, we got a ukulele in here.
Oh, my head, my shoulders.
I'm in pain.
My manicure is ruined.
Uncle Nick, will you please
take your hand off my breast.
- Is everybody okay?
- I'm okay. But...
There's a horrible smell in here.
Oh, God!
Uncle Nick!
- Are you all right?
- I don't know.
- I cut my hand, I don't know how.
- I bit it.
Third?
Third!
We've run aground,
but there's an island right there.
- You know where we are?
- I'm from Milwaukee.
I don't know much about these islands.
- The radio, let's try the radio.
- Milwaukee?
- Isn't your name Malookamalarkariki?
- Forget the radio, it doesn't work.
Well, that island looks nice, not too far.
I'm gonna swim to shore.
There's nothing dangerous on these islands.
- Right, Milwaukeeliki?
- I think it's safer than Milwaukee.
Only snakes, wild dogs, wild boar.
Wild boar?
Well, they're like pigs.
Some of them can weigh
up to pounds.
They're very fast and real nasty.
I'll go, Dad.
No, boy, your life's
more precious than mine.
- Why?
- I don't know.
Daddies are just supposed to
say things like that sometimes.
No!
We all go. We all go together.
Catherine,
I'm not afraid of a little old pig.
Eddie, you can't swim!
Let's walk.
Audrey, what are you doing
with an electric cappuccino maker?
I bought it in town.
Somehow I doubt
we'll be able to use that.
I don't think there are many
electrical outlets on this island.
Well, maybe we'll find a motel
or something with an electrical outlet.
Look, the boat's drifting away!
Did anyone anchor the boat?
All right, we've got to do this right.
We need food.
Yeah, you're right, Eddie.
Okay, here's what we brought ashore.
We got a dozen Tootsie Rolls,
we got some Bridge Mix...
...two six-packs of beer, some Hamburger
Helper and four bottles of bourbon.
That's my kind of captain.
Yeah. We also got a quarter pound
of moldy American cheese...
...a pack of matches
and a box of those little toothpicks...
...that you put into frankfurters,
only we don't have any frankfurters.
We can use those to get the Tootsie Rolls
out of our teeth.
Oh, and Dad, I found a Kn*fe in the boat.
It was in the galley.
I haven't had a Tootsie Roll in years.
That's when I got my false teeth.
Well, got beer...
...got my favorite hunting dog.
I could hunt for food.
Eddie, the only place you ever hunted
for food was our refrigerator.
Hey, there's a freshwater stream back there
in the forest and plenty of bananas.
And we can make spears
and fishing rods to hunt and fish.
And I think I found
a good place for a campsite.
- Cousin, Eddie, look for a bathroom.
- Snots! Snots!
I'll get the bourbon.
This is the spot, everybody.
It's starting to get dark.
We better figure out where
we're gonna sleep. We'll team up.
And there are some towels
from the hotel.
I'm all set.
Audrey and I will buddy up.
We only have three towels,
and they're all wet.
Well, if you get cold, your buddy's
body heat will help warm you up.
- You wanna rethink your assigned buddy?
- No.
That felt good.
When you get to be my age...
...a good dump
is one of the great pleasures in life.
Well...
...it's all finished.
When I was walking up to the hill,
I saw that there was nothing here...
...but a lot of bananas.
So we're gonna have to hunt
for some real food.
- So let's go, Third.
- Yeah.
I'll go with you.
All right.
Here's the game plan. We'll split up
so we can cover more ground.
We'll use that fire on top of the hill
as a landmark.
Uncle Nick, you make a quick left and go up
the left flank. Third, you make a wide right.
Snots and I will go up the middle
and victory will be ours.
What am I supposed to do
if I run into a wild animal?
- Throw my banana at it?
- Good thinking.
Have you ever heard
of barking or pointing?
How about a little warning here?
Give me a little heads up next time.
Well, are you coming?
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Oh, my God!
Yes!
- Any luck hunting, honey?
- No.
I almost got a bird...
...but all I saw were nanners.
Did you guys have any luck?
- No.
- That's it.
I ain't walked this much
since my last visit to Wal-Mart.
Hey, everybody. You know,
it'll be Christmas in three days.
It is?
With all the excitement
of the shipwreck and everything...
...I guess I just forgot
all about Christmas.
Well, I guess we will have to forget
about it this year.
Yeah. It's my first Christmas
without Mom and Dad.
Well, this is my first Christmas
without gifts.
No tree, no Santa.
- No real food.
- No eggnog.
Hey, we could still have Christmas.
We could have an island Christmas.
Well, that's a real good idea, Mukinuki.
An island Christmas.
Why didn't I think of that?
What is an island Christmas?
Well, every year we celebrate the things
that we're most thankful for.
Well, we're all alive and we're all together.
That's worth celebrating.
You're pretty damn easy to please.
- What about the gifts?
- We have the whole island!
Let's think of something
we can all give to each other.
How about a full body massage?
Uncle Nick.
The islands can be very magical,
full of many gifts.
All you have to do
is use your imagination.
Oh, dang it, I knew there was a catch.
What have you always wanted, Eddie?
I don't know.
I got pretty much everything
I ever wanted.
A good dog.
Six kids.
A doting wife who takes care
of my every need, if you know what I mean.
We could get a house, Eddie.
- Where are we going to get a house?
- We could build it. With our hands.
- I thought this was a vacation.
- Catherine, no, it's a great idea.
It'll be fun.
If you build it, they will come.
Who?
Well, someone to rescue us.
Won't be much of a house.
But it'll be ours.
Remember, Jesus was born in a stable.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah!
We'll build it...
...here!
And you know what else we need?
A Christmas dinner. A real Christmas dinner.
Not these bananas, those Tootsie Rolls
or none of that there banana helper, neither.
No, sir!
I'm going out again!
We're gonna have ourselves some meat!
Come here!
Come back here, you little booger!
Snots, k*ll.
k*ll!
k*ll! Where you going, Snots?
Come back here!
It is not a Christmas tree.
- But it'll do.
- It'll have to.
You know, we used to have a big tree
every Christmas when I was a kid.
My father would take hours to pick it out.
He sometimes would do everything
but x-ray it. Then he'd turn to us and say:
"You are looking at the best Christmas tree
in Kansas City. No, in the world."
Christmas with Daddy.
Guess dads are all like that
at Christmas.
Even Eddie.
That's a good piggy, that's a good piggy.
It's so beautiful here.
Yeah. If only it had a shopping mall.
- The house is coming along great.
- Yeah, it's a great Christmas gift.
Look at him.
It's a funny thing, you know.
Here we are in serious trouble
and I've never seen Eddie so happy.
Sometimes a crisis brings out the best
in a person. I mean, he's even working.
Hey, Dad? Dad? Dad!
There's something I've got to tell you.
It's your girlfriend.
- Is she pregnant?
- No!
It's just that...
I always thought that...
...you were kind of...
...sort of...
- Gay?
- No.
Just... The bottom of the food chain.
Well, I was wrong.
I mean, you know,
like, you never worked much.
Mom took care of the kids
and cooked and cleaned...
...worked three jobs.
And then, you know, the bank foreclosed on
the house and the repo people took the RV.
I loved that RV.
That RV!
And here we are on a desert island,
who knows where...
...and he goes out and kills
with his bare hands to feed his family.
I mean, can you imagine him taking on that
huge animal and b*ating him in a fair fight?
I know. I mean, God, he was like a caveman
or a gladiator or something.
Yeah.
Well, anyway, I was wrong.
No, you were right. I'm just no good.
Right. You know, normally.
But here, on this island...
...you've been great.
Do you mean that?
Yeah.
Boy...
...you don't know how good
that makes me feel.
From now on...
...I’ve got no place to go but up!
Hi, it's Audrey Griswold.
Leave a message and merry Christmas.
Ever Ready Plumbing here. We'll have a
man out to your house within days.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas morning, everybody!
Merry Christmas morning!
- Yeah!
- Come here, you. Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, Milwaukee.
Here's...
...Mr. Christmas himself.
It's Saint Nick.
Merry Christmas, Audrey,
this is from Eddie.
Eddie, this is great. Lipstick!
It's my favorite color.
- Where did you get it?
- Found it in your purse.
This is from Third.
Third, my gosh, look at that!
That's a deluxe spear.
It's an aerodynamically correct spear, Dad.
See those fins?
Those are for throwing accurately.
Looks like a one-way street sign.
Well, let's take it for a little test drive,
shall we?
Okay, now let's sing
a few Christmas songs.
Let's see.
Hey, I got another surprise for us here.
A homemade concoction that
my dad used to make.
Only, he had a still
and sold it to the neighbors...
...but it kept us going through
the lean times, until he got caught...
...and wound up doing to .
But here's a taste.
All right. Well, here goes.
That's got a kick. What is in that?
Well, it's got three parts coconut milk,
two parts bug juice...
...six parts bourbon, a little banana peel
for texture and a Tootsie Roll.
Oh, and some sunscreen.
Lord, I wanna thank you for keeping us
healthy and, particularly, alive...
...during this whole shipwreck deal.
But most of all, Lord,
I wanna thank you for this house.
Oh, it's a good house, Lord.
It's probably the first house we ever had
where we didn't owe a mortgage or taxes.
And maybe the only house we'll ever have
where the bank won't foreclose on it.
Oh, it's not as nice as Audrey's house,
but it's a fine house, Lord.
And I want you to please
just find it to forgive me, Lord...
...for losing the RV
and the dirt farm, Lord.
- We are sin, Lord..!
- Can I say something?
Excuse me, Lord.
Yeah?
What's in the coconut?
Another tropical surprise.
Can we drink the surprise first
and then bust the coconut?
- No.
- Well, there you have it.
Anyway, Lord, be it ever so humble,
there's no place like this here house.
Amen.
- Merry Christmas!
- Oh, merry Christmas to you!
Eddie!
Put me down, put me down,
put me down!
You did it, Dad!
You k*lled a boar
and built our own damn house!
Watch your mouth, Third.
Well, we've learned
something here today.
We definitely have to make it
more secure.
Let's eat.
Eddie.
Eddie, you're so brave.
And you have a good sense of humor.
You're my hero...
It's a plane! A plane!
And he sees us!
It's Jack, it's Melbourne Jack Malpey!
We're saved!
- Over here!
- Uncle Nick!
Uncle Nick, wake up!
We're rescued, we're saved!
Saved.
From what?
Down here!
Jack!
It's me, Audrey!
We've had search parties all over
looking for you and that boat.
They found the boat
miles from here.
You've been searching for me
this whole time? You're a hero!
Well, you found me.
You did say you weren't married?
Actually, I was flying over
to check a hotel I own...
...on the other side of the island
when I saw Eddie on the cliff.
Probably, nobody
thought of looking here.
Well, it's only miles,
you could have walked to my hotel.
Well, I...
...guess we better pack up
and get out of here, then.
Man. You know, I got all excited
when I first saw the plane...
...but I'm really gonna
miss this place.
This was the best vacation
this family has ever had.
Oh, well.
It was great, but it'll be good
to get back to civilization.
Civilization.
People like to live in crowds...
...because they don't trust each other.
I don't know,
there's some good things about civilization.
Name one.
Massages, manicures,
frozen artichokes...
...hot tubs, champagne.
I wanna say something.
I'm gonna miss
not having a lot of things.
It's been great without telephones
and people you never even met calling...
...trying to sell you things
you don't even need.
And rap music on beer commercials...
...and junk mail!
I'm gonna miss
us all being so together...
...and the way everybody chipped in
and worked.
- It was a Christmas thing.
- I saw an airplane!
I saw an airplane!
We're saved!
We're saved!
I saw a plane!
Jack!
What are you doing here?
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
This was the best Christmas
I've ever had.
It was fun being a part of your family
here on...
- What is the name of this island?
- It was named after King Halehalki...
...but you can change it.
He was a headhunter.
I say we rename it Eddie Island...
...in honor of the man who k*lled the boar.
Well.
- What business did you say you were in?
- I was in nuclear research.
- You're kidding.
- No, no. Nuclear research.
But then I got laid off.
But then, because I got bit on the ass...
...they gave me this here
Christmas vacation.
You got laid off?
Did the company downsize?
Yeah, well, the other guy,
he's a lot smaller than I was.
I was better at the job.
- Jack's incredible, isn't he?
- Yeah, he's a really great guy.
- He's so mature.
- Big deal. Uncle Nick's mature.
This is liable to roll down a hill
and k*ll a little pig or something.
I better move this.
Hey, hold it. You gonna bust your rollers
trying to move that. Let me help you.
Put it over there.
- Where?
- Over there.
Let go, let go, you're choking me.
- What?
- Let go!
All right.
Jack?
- Oh, Jack, don't get up.
- I'm all right.
No, no. Jack, you took a terrible fall.
You need rest and care.
I'm fine.
I wouldn't go into a career in the moving
business any time soon, if I were you.
You all ready to fly?
I'm gonna really miss
the old homestead.
Jack, you okay?
I'm okay, it's just a headache.
There are some aspirin in the cabin.
- His head hurts.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, he needs me!
He needs me!
Now, now, he'll be all right.
Just got a headache.
He'll be all right.
Maluka tower,
this is Mike Mike...
...Melbourne Jack here.
I've just picked up some lost souls...
...on the rear end of King Halehalki Island.
- Eddie Island!
Our position is...
Hell, I don't know where we are.
I'm not too well, my friend.
I like you, Ed. You're a good man.
You're not the brightest bulb
in the chandelier, but you're a good man.
- Jack!
- Mike Mike...
... say again your position, over.
Help!
This is Maluka tower, merry Christmas.
Is that you, Jack?
No, it's Eddie!
Jack, he fainted, or he's dead.
Jack, snap out of it!
Snap out of it!
- Oh, he's not dead, he moved.
- Well, okay, Eddie, merry Christmas.
Can you fly a plane?
I'll take that as a no.
We got you on radar now,
you're heading right for Maluka Airport.
- All you're gonna have to do is, well, land.
- We're gonna die.
Now, relax. When we get you over
the airport, we're going to talk you in.
And Eddie?
Yeah?
We're gonna clear the area
of all incoming and outgoing flights.
All you're gonna have to worry
about is to make a nice landing...
... right there on the tarmac.
You'll go down
gradually and just coast on in.
- Okay. Okay.
- Dad! Dad, you can't land on the tarmac!
- Probably not, but I gotta try.
- This is a seaplane, Dad, a seaplane!
Tower! Tower!
Mr. Tower, this is a seaplane!
Damn, forgot. Right. sh**t.
I'm getting so absent-minded.
Even easier. You'll just land right there
in the bay in front of the airport...
... and we'll come on out and get you.
Now, just sit back,
stay on course and relax.
No sweat.
How's Jack?
Audrey's breathing into his mouth.
Okay, easy does it.
Loosen your clothing.
Good.
Planes will never replace boats
as a means of transportation.
- People like to stay close to terra firma.
- Uncle Nick.
Boats still sail on water, not earth.
Okay, Eddie, we got you in sight now.
There's the airport!
Now, here's what we want you to do:
We want you to look at the altimeter.
- Where is it?
- All right, calm down.
It's the gauge on the right-hand side
of the panel.
You're now at feet. I want you
to turn the wheel very slowly to your left...
... press it down gradually, very slowly.
- And Eddie?
- Yeah?
Merry Christmas.
Up.
Up.
Up!
Pull it up, Eddie, come on!
Oh, no.
No!
No, Eddie!
Okay, Eddie, we're gonna
try it again now, slowly.
Slow, you damn idiot!
Don't you know what slow means?
Slow, you damn idiot!
Don't you know what slow means?
Muka?
If we don't die,
will you be my girlfriend?
Well, thank you, Third.
I think you're terrific,
but I don't think you're quite...
...grown-up enough for me.
- I am grown up.
I've even seen a naked woman.
Anyway, if we don't die,
I'm going back to my husband.
- Your husband?
- Yes, Daniel.
He lives in Indianapolis.
Now, let's try it again there, Eddie, baby.
And Eddie...
... you see that tall building
with the glass all around it?
Good. Whatever you do,
don't hit that building.
You see, that's the tower, Eddie,
and that's where I am.
Now, what we're gonna do,
you're gonna turn the wheel slowly...
... to the left again and press down.
No! No, Eddie!
No! No!
Dad, it's just like the time
you drove the RV...
...off the side of the mountain
and broke your leg.
Only, more dangerous.
It's more like the time you were fishing
off that bridge and reached down...
...to tie your shoelaces
and fell feet into the water.
Only, this time we could all die.
You can do it, Dad, I know you can.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Oh, my God!
Bingo.
And merry Christmas, Maluka.
We all heard about the shipwrecked
Johnsons. Here's a video...
... from their daughter, currently appearing
at the Bare Bottom Club in Las Vegas.
Merry Christmas, Third!
How's my boy?
Aunt Jessica, you wouldn't believe
what we've been through.
Not gonna show me travel movies,
are you, Third?
Later.
Okay, so where's that old man of mine?
- And where are your folks?
- Oh, well...
...my Mom and Dad and cousin Audrey
are visiting a friend in the hospital.
Dad dropped a rock on him
and gave him a brain concussion.
- And Uncle Nick's resting.
- You go up and tell him I'm here.
If I walk in on him,
he's liable to have a heart att*ck.
Sure.
Aunt Jessica, you didn't, did you?
Don't ask.
Boy, that Jack. He is okay, isn't he?
What a great guy.
And he didn't even mention
that I almost k*lled him.
I can't believe it.
He's married.
Five kids.
I mean, my God,
can't any man be trusted?
He was the great love of my life.
I'll never love again.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
- Is he all right?
- It's my husband.
Nervous breakdown.
Merry Christmas!
I'm so sorry.
How long has he been like this?
Since this morning.
He's an air traffic controller.
Hey, buddy!
Merry Christmas!
Come on, buddy, snap out of it.
Snap out of it!
No, Eddie!
Bless you!
Oh, thank you!
You are a miracle worker.
Come on, let's get back
to the motel.
I may become a nun.
Aunt Jessica.
So you finally got tired
of that young fellow...
...and you decided to come crawling back
to Uncle Nick.
And you're gonna take her back,
I suppose.
Well, I have seen it all now.
If anybody wants me, I'll be in the can.
I'm sorry for that
little unpleasantness, darling.
That pig snot
never did have no manners.
When you're finished, get your butt into
the kitchen and fix me a decent dinner.
I've been eating nothing
but burnt pig and bananas.
They're waiting for you inside, Eddie.
Thank you, Milwaukee.
Hi, Muka.
There's something I've gotta tell you.
You know, I'm sorry about
asking you to be my girl...
...but I'm engaged.
She's beautiful.
Well, it'll take a while to get over it.
Yeah.
Eddie!
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie!
Oh, Professor Doornitz!
We are so proud of you.
All the newspapers carried your story.
Shipwrecked, swam miles
to rescue your family...
...built a two-story house
with your own hands...
...k*lled a wild boar
with manicure scissors!
Well...
What's he doing here?
You're replacing him.
He's here on vacation.
Oh, no.
I'm staying right here.
I got myself a new job.
Well, Roy...
...looks like this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure (2003)
Moderator: Maskath3