Bigfoot vs Krampus (2021)

[bunniefuu]

(upbeat music)

50.

51.

Oh 152.

153.

154.

That's interesting
math you're using VH.

Clone algebra, I presume.

Just getting my
reps in, sweetheart.

A guy's gotta stay in shape

even if it's the holidays.

Uh-huh.

Bigfoot made
gingerbread cookies.

Everyone's in the galley now.

Foot baked for others?

Unheard of, I know.

I had the same reaction,

but that Sasquatch
has really overcome

with the Christmas spirit.

I've never seen him like this.

I don't think I have either.

Guess, I'll go see
what's going on.

No rush.

There are thousands of cookies.

He just keeps shoveling them

into the oven and
popping them out.

Sounds familiar.

How's our little
one in the oven.

Kicking like a Bronco today.

If I had known what pregnancy
would do to my appetite,

I might've thought twice
before letting you knock me up.

Letting me?

You all but pinned me down,

and rode me till you were
fertilized, princess.

You were insatiable.

I've never seen
anything like it.

Baby fever.

What can I say?

You don't have to say anything.

How about we on zip these suits,

and you mount up like old times?

Sorry, VH.

I still feel a bit
of morning sickness.

I'm afraid I might
spew gingerbread all

over those sweaty pecks.

I'll take my chances.

Come on baby, let's get it on.

Nothing doing space rogue.

I'm gonna go do my yoga,

and lay down for a bit.

It's so quiet in the cosmos.

Looks like it's going to be a
pleasant Christmas this year.

Looks can be deceiving.

Are we still monitoring
the Illuminati movements

in the Kergerlone galaxy?

Bort and Heru are on it.

The holidays mean
nothing to them.

They took a stealth wing and
some drone ships into orbit,

and are watching the slimy
reptiles like mechanical hawks.

Hardcore.

I love those bots.

We all do.

And their watchful eyes
should allow us to kick back

and enjoy Christmas
season for once.

I'd like to kick back
and enjoy something else,

if you know what I mean.

I do, but I didn't
come here to blow you.

I came to tell you about
the gathering in the galley.

I'd prefer the head.

I know, I'm sorry.

I know my libido has
been non-existent lately.

My body is still getting
used to the changes.

Right now I need to
stretch and relax.

(sighs) Fine.

Don't be down.

Come see me in my quarters
in a couple hours.

I'll take care of you.

You deserve it.

Yeah?

I'll be there with
sleigh bells on.

(space ship humming)

(ambient music)

I just don't understand our
colleagues dogmatic adherence

to this concept
of holidays, Heru.

Logic doesn't seem to apply.

They willfully choose to
ignore the omnipresent thread

of the Illuminati forces
in favor of blind revelry.

It simply doesn't compute.

It's a complete conundrum to me.

And to me as well, Bort,

but as we know these humans

are not reliably
logical organisms.

They did play a large part

in destroying their
own world after all.

True that, Heru, true that.

Drone ship four is picking
up a flurry of activity

on one of the Cargill
on the sub stars, Bort.

Is the army mobilizing?

Hard to tell from here.

Let's zoom in for a closer look.

(device beeping)

Oh dear!
- This doesn't look good.

It would appear we missed
some sort of battle.

And where are the Illuminatis?

They're nowhere in evidence.

It would seem that they just,

they just vanished.
- Vanished?

But how?

Why?

The Illuminati forces have
been a persistent thorn

in the side of humanity,

and AI alike since the Earth
destruction so long ago.

They've sworn to fight
to the very last,

and obliterate remaining life,

far out and wide.

(g*ns f*ring)

What in the universe
would compel them

to suddenly up stakes and flee?

Indeed, and worse
yet what force would,

or could att*ck so
suddenly and savagely

that the fearsome
Illuminati army

would be snuffed out overnight?

I'll show you, Tin man.

(g*n fires)

(Krampus laughs)

[Squig] Queen
Shaliah, we've detected

an unprovoked att*ck

just outside the
Kergerlone galaxy's orbit.

An Allied vessel
has been destroyed.

[Shaliah] An Allied vessel,

are there survivors?

[Squig] Negative
mom, no life form,

no mechanical entity
could have possibly

survived the att*ck.

The vessel has been completely
and utterly obliterated.

[Shaliah] Very well, Squig.

Go mobilize our
fighter fleet at once.

We Atlantean shall
not stand down

whilst our Allies are att*cked.

As you command Queen Shaliah.

Deploying our Atlantean
fighters at once.

(ships humming)

How charming, the
Atlantean army rises

like the sun to greet me.

It's only fair that I also
rise to meet them in gait.

(ship fires)

(ship explodes)

Enemy fire, we've been hit.

Our rear thrusters are damaged.

We can't navigate.

Our 63 laser canons
are also down, queen.

We're sitting ducks.

We must've abandon ship.

Everyone to the court wings now.

Princess Kali, can you hear me?

Princess Kali, can you hear me?

Shaliah, you startled me.

I'm still getting used to
your telepathic volleys,

but yes I'm here.

Is everything, all right?

I'm afraid not,

our mother ship's under att*ck.

Under att*ck?

By whom?

The Illuminati is
are out of the mix

in the Kergerlone
galaxy as we speak.

I'm not sure,

but our thrusters and
canons have been disabled.

We're abandoning ship.

Our quad feed will be scattered,

so please, don't
open fire on us.

Don't worry, we won't.

The Allies have your back,

and if they want it,

your soldiers have safe
haven in our mothers hip.

I thank you princess
until we speak again.

We'll speak soon, Shaliah,

I promise you that.

Attention, Allies
returned to your stations.

Our friends, the Atlanteans
are under att*ck.

They need our help.

Under att*ck?

What the f*ck?

You've gotta be me sh1tting me.

Can't a clone, relaxed for
one single solitary second,

and revel in his first
g*dd*mn Christmas season.

Do we always have to be in w*r?

You knew the deal when
you chose to stay with us

after your last
regeneration, sexy.

Huh?

How did you-

You were talking out loud again,

and I keep the Intercom
line to your quarters open.

I learn a lot about
you this way, VH.

Oh right.

I forgot.

[Kali] I trust you
heard my announcement.

It applies to you too.

Come and find me.

(sighs) Yes, ma'am.

What a crock of sh*t this is.

I know I'm just the 16th
clone in a line of 16 clones,

but this Jack Van Helsing DNA
is a real to carry around.

I may have been
grown in a test tube,

but I've got contrarianism
coursing through my veins.

The good old fashioned American
spirit boiling in my soul.

I can't just hang around
here and take orders,

light year in and
light in year out.

I'm no lap dog,

and I'm no whipping boy.

I may not have a mother,

but I'm a bad ass m*therf*cker.

Besides I did what Kali wanted.

I gave her a baby.

Funny how the sex stopped
once she got the news.

I've been nothing but a
means to an end for her,

and her missions accomplished.

Mine though, mine's
just beginning.

I have no quarrel
with those Atlanteans,

but I don't owe them
anything either.

And my bond with the Allies is
nothing more than a handshake

of convenience.

It's high time this van
Helsing struck out on his own

and tasted all that the
universe has to offer.

(bot moans)

But what about the kid?

How can I abandon a child
in a cosmos like this?

An existence of
perpetual chaos and w*r.

It's not exactly a novel move.

(sighs) Who am I kidding?

Kali will just struck right
over to Dr. Jekyll's lab,

and have me read cloned again.

That baby will probably
have a village of fathers

to raise it,

and they'll all walk
and talk just like me.

A clone, of a clone,
of a clone, of a clone.

Crazy thing, this life.

(suspenseful ambient music)

(g*ns f*ring)

(ships exploding)

We're being decimated
and by loader second.

I've never seen a
fighter pilot with moves

and instincts like this.

Attention Atlantean
fighters, retreat.

I repeat pull back.

Find the Allied mothers hip
and seek safety.

This battle may be lost,

but the w*r is far from over.

(Shaliah screams)

(ships f*ring)

(Shaliah screams)

Queen Shaliah.

Queen Shaliah.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

God speed, my sweet queen

[Divine] Atlantean this is
commander Divine of the Allies,

come in Atlanteans.

Is anyone aboard?

[Xio] Hi, I am here, Commander.

Lieutenant Xio, speaking.

I can't reach your leader.

Her quad wing
communications are down.

Is she okay?

I'm afraid not commander.

Shaliah has been,

she's been k*lled by enemy fire.

- (gasps) No.
- It's true.

We've lost her.

But we Atlanteans
would not give up.

We'll fight with
everything we have in us,

and I will not abandon
our headquarters.

We'll persevere.

We'll survive.

We'll defeat this
faceless, nameless enemy

and we'll rebuild.

Rebuild in hell.

Bye guys.

(tense music)

(ship explodes)

Xio, come in.

Xio, g*dd*mn it!

Don't be sad, little girl.

Little girl?

This is princess Kali Divine,

commander of the Allied
forces, sh*t head.

Call me little girl to my face,

I'll rip your tongue
from your throat,

and shove it up your ass.

Well, such colorful descriptors.

The only color you need
to worry about is the color

of your blood repainting
your cockpit, assh*le.

Now, how could you be familiar

with the decor of
my cockpit, lady?

It's commander to
you, cork sucker.

Now identify yourself before
we blast you from the stars.

Well, it sounds like you've
already made up your mind,

but I'll play along.

I'm Krampus, the one and only.

Very funny.

On the contrary, I'm as
serious as a heart att*ck.

You're not joking?

Not at all.

I've no time for games, girl.

And if you're smart
you won't either.

Well, I don't
believe in Santa Claus,

and I don't believe in you.

That's only fair,

but will you believe
in my laser cutters

when they shred your subtle
body like paper mache.

I've been threatened by
enemies mightier than you

more times than I can count.

If you think your
words can scare me

you've got another thing coming.

Me thinks they'll
duck protest too much,

too early, little girl.

You may have k*lled
the Atlanteans leader

and splintered their forces,

but they carried the full might
of the Allies behind them.

There are more of
us than, you know,

and justice be damned we
won't stop until you're dead.

Sounds like fun.

I love high stakes.

Be careful what you wish
for you son of a bitch,

you might get it.

It's beginning to look a
lot like Christmas. (laughs)

Bort, Heru, come in.

Respond.

Bort?

Bort?

Heru?

(suspenseful music)

Hold on a second, VH.

You can't just hot and
tail it outta here,

'cause you got your junk in
a bunch over Kali's attitude.

She might be the
Allied commander,

but she's still a woman,

and these broads are
slaves to their emotions.

There's a difference

between being emotional and
being f*cking nuts, Foot.

And I think Kali has
crossed the line,

Has she or have you, bro?

What's that supposed to mean?

You violated direct
orders by bailing out, VH.

You could be
court-martial for this.

That means f*ck all.

I'm out.

I'm done.

I'm not running with
the Allies anymore.

It's too much trouble.

This don't sound
like you, my dude.

Why the change of about?

It's been a long time coming.

I used to be able to trust
Kali to confide in her,

but lately all she does
is lie and play games.

She throws up a lot too.

And that.

She's preggo bro with your baby.

That don't mean nothing to you.

Of course it does,

but what's stopping her
from having my DNA re-cloned

for the umpteenth time,

and creating a
whole new doting dad

to rock that kid to sleep.

Don't tell me she
hasn't considered it.

Hell, there could be a
whole f*cking closet full

of Jack Van Helsing's down
in Jekyll's laboratory.

Just waiting for me to
run into an asteroid,

or eat laser fire out here.

I don't doubt it.

And I started to think what
the docs creepo assistant

might be doing with
them close doors.

See what I mean?

It's all too weird
around here now foot.

It's time to say goodbye,

so I'm getting out while
the getting's good.

What if you change your mind?

I won't.

How can you be sure?

I've walked out on
y'all a g*ng at times,

but I always come back.
- Don't I know it.

You've been MIA when
we needed you most,

more times than I can remember,

but why?
- Wanderlust.

The call to the
wild, springtime.

I'm a Sasquatch after all.

Every once in a while
I got to reap the wind.

Then you understand
where I'm coming from.

Yeah, but everybody
in this with you, bro.

You got it good here.

Good, how so?

I'm not even
officially an Allie.

I'm unranked.

Ranked Schmidt, you
might not have the title,

but everyone knows you're
second in command around here.

Anything ever happened to Kali,

you'd take the seat and
no one better than her.

Yeah, well, you can
have my spot, big guy.

I'm outta here.

[Bigfoot] It won't be
the same without you, VH.

I'll be around.

If you need me just call.

What if Kali calls?

She won't.

She turned me off
like an old lamp.

All she cares about now is
that baby I put inside her.

Sounds like a good mom to me.

Oh, she'll be great.

It's me that'll f*ck it up.

She's better off without me.

They both are,

and so are you.

So this is it then,
the big goodbye.

Stall for me while I
fire up the hammer of god.

Yeah?
- Yeah.

Take care out there rogue.
- You do the same big guy.

What a long, weird
trip it's been.

(ship whirring)

(suspenseful music)

(ambient music)

Bort and Heru are no more?

This is terrible news.

The worst.

Are we sure commander?
- Positive.

I didn't wanna
believe it myself,

but we just located the
wreckage of their stealth wing

and we identified
Heru's hard drive

and Bort's serial
number among the debris.

I don't know what to say, Kali.

Say you'll get to work
rebuilding two robots

who can be as valuable to
us as they were, doctor.

Of course, that
goes without saying,

but they'll never
be exactly the same.

You understand that.

We can recreate
wiring, storage capacity,

and drive programming,

but we cannot account for

or precisely duplicate
the ghost of the machine

that exists in all
artificial intelligence

when it achieves the
century centurion stage.

I'll settle for close,

we need to fill for
Bort's and Heru's roles

as quickly as possible.

There's trouble brewing,

and I'm afraid we'll
soon find ourselves

back in combat.

Combat?

But it's nearly Christmas.

I've been looking
forward to the downtime.

We all have.

It's been a hard year.

Harder on some than others.

Speaking of others, has
anyone seen VH round?

I summoned him,

but he never came.

It's not like him.

I'm unsure of his
whereabouts commander,

but if we come into
contact with him,

we'll let him know you
require his presence at once.

Thank you, doctor.

And keep me posted
on the robots,

so we can slot them
in when they're ready.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, ma'am.

(ship humming)

Later on, we'll conspire
as we dream why the fire

to face unfrayed the plans
that we've made walking

in a winter wonderland.

Well, well, well, if it
isn't my old friend, Krampus.

Huh?

El Cucuy, make no mistake
we're not friends, Boogieman.

Never have been, never will be.

Ah, but we're joined at the hip;

nevertheless, you and I.

Two sides of the
same flipping coin.

Whatever gets you through
the cold dark night, Cucuy.

Just know this, imitation
remains the greatest form

of flattery.

Then I should feel
very flattered indeed,

but you'll see,

I came a fast.

Bullocks, it is I who invaded
children's nightmares long

before you were but a blib on
the collective psyche's radar

with a stupid name.

Stupid name, and Krampus isn't?

It sounds like something
that happens to the back

after scrunching down and
he's cockpits for too long.

Maybe you should get out
and stretch your skinny legs

sometime Cucuy.

Sometime like right now.
- You'd like that,

wouldn't you Krampus.

To be rid of me and
my authenticity,

so that you may carry on

as the pretend that you are,

waiting for your one time
per Earth year to frighten,

and be wilder.

At least I frighten,

you haven't stolen sleep,

or inv*de bad dreams for
longer than anyone can recall.

Your effects faded long ago,

around the advent
of the internet.

If I'm not mistaken
once people realized you

and your whole legend were
nothing but hackneyed hogwash.

Hackneyed hogwash?

I'll show you who's
hackneyed, Krampus.

When I hack you to pits.

Take this!

(Cucuy laughs)

(ship shutters)

(suspenseful music)

(people chattering)

Thank you for
accompany me, Bigfoot.

This individual is responsible

for k*lling the
Atlanteans Queen Shaliah,

as well as, our
own Bort and Heru,

and we mustn't underestimate
the thr*at he poses.

I always got your back, Kali.

You know that.

Just caught on me
and I'll be there.

How refreshing.

Say, have you spoken
with VH lately?

Ah, no!

I aint seen him in a minute.

He's probably off doing
his thing, you know?

His thing?

Yeah, I know.

(people chattering)

(suspenseful music)

Krampus, I presume

- Who are you?
- Allied Commander, Divine.

We've spoken before
if you recall.

Oh right.

The mouthy little
girl who was so brave

behind the safety of
her computer screen.

Now, here you are

behind the safety of this
cell's unbreakable glass.

I can have it
lowered if you like,

then I'll come in there
rip out your tongue,

and stick it up your ass
just like I promised.

- Damn!
- Still feeling brave, I see.

Not brave, just honest,

and I'd appreciate the same.

Oh, I love a good game.

Go on, little girl,
ask me anything.

Let's start with your name.

What is it?

I already told you

You told me Krampus.

I know that's not true

And how do you know that?

Because Krampus like
Santa Claus doesn't exist.

Wow, hold up, did you
just say Santa don't exist?

Can you believe that?

As an obvious Sasquatch,
you must be so offended.

Shut your mouth, m*therf*cker!

We got nothing in
common you and me.

Well.

Back to my question,

who are you really?

My name's Adolph,
Adolph Levy. (laughs)

Don't believe me?

No.

Oh well, guess you could go
question some other sucker.

Cut the bullshit.

You m*rder*d Queen
Shaliah of the Atlanteans,

and you destroyed
two of our best

and brightest robot
sentinels, Bort and Heru.

Boo f*cking who, little girl.

That's it!

Yo guard, open this
glass partition,

so as I can poverlize this
horded champ's skull into powder.

Bring it on beast.

I'd love to mount your
big head on my trophy wall

before I mount your bitch
and set her mind right.

Something about the
scenario is so familiar.

You wouldn't happen to
know any clowns, would you?

You mean besides the two of you?

I can see this is going nowhere.

How astute of you.

I'll cut to the chase.

You're not gonna
receive a fair trial.

In fact, you won't
receive a trial at all.

We know what you did,

and who you did it too

for that your sentence is death,

to be carried out after
the next son rotation.

- Oh!
- Really, can you do that?

I can do anything I want.

I'm the Allied commander.

I know but aint there
channels, procedures,

for this sort of thing.

Yes, what about the red tape?

You bureaucrats love so much.

You don't get any of that.

What you get is
swift, sure, justice,

and it doesn't get any sure

than an eye for an eye.

The next time you see the sun

will be the last thing
you ever see, Krampus.

Well, then I'm looking
forward to it, Kali.

Say Kali, did you mean
what you said back there?

100%.

The next time the
sun shines our way

that prisoner's head is
coming off his shoulders.

No, not that.

I mean the Santa thing.

You really don't
believe in St. Nick,

- Do you?
- Hell yeah, I do.

I've gotten high with him?

- Really?
- Really.

Kush plants from
our natural habitat

are his favorite sh*t.

Hmm, hold that thought.

Let's revisit this
conversation in six months.

(laughs) All right,
all right, all right.

(upbeat music)

(sighs) I needed that.

All those Amsterdam has got
nothing on planet Gorgon.

I should a come out
here years ago.

Those girls really know
how to treat a guy, right?

It's a miracle, I didn't face
plant with an aneurysm back

in that pressure cooker they
call Allied headquarters.

What a nightmare?

And yet, I still find
thinking about her.

Ms. Divine is a tough
memory to shake.

She drives me crazy.

It makes me want to
pull my hair out,

b*at my head against the wall,

run for the stars,

and when I do,

she blooms larger than ever.

It's enough to make me wonder

if I'll ever break
free from that chic.

(VH and woman moaning)

I can't believe I'm
actually going back,

and after I got away scot-free.

Unbelievable what a good
woman can do to a man,

or for that matter what a
bad woman can do to a man,

and in for both bad sh*t crazy.

Forget it.

I guess we're stuck
together forever.

Who am I kidding?

I'd have gone back
sooner or later anyway.

I couldn't stay away from her,

or from our child for long.

I wonder if it's
a boy or a girl.

Kali won't look at Jekyll's
blood test results.

Doesn't wanna know.

And she barred him from
sharing the results

with anyone, even me,
despite me being the father.

(sighs) Thanks Kal.

Just another turn on the screw.

Maybe I should pick up some
flowers before I go back.

Could quell the
princess's urge to toss me

in the brig on site.

Yeah, that sounds
like a nice idea.

(missiles fires)

(ship explodes)

No!

I see humans but no humanity;

therefore I will
stamp out all I see.

There is now no of the
myriads of men who exist,

who pity all assist me.

Should I then feel kindness
towards my enemies?

No, I shall declare everlasting
w*r against this species,

and all it assigns.

(ships f*ring)

[Man] Get out, get out!

(prisoners chattering)

[Man] Get out, man!

[Man] Get out of here, man!

[Man] Then sh**t!

(g*ns f*ring)

(tense music)

(human thuds)

[Man] Unit two,
Move into position.

Unit three and four maintain
coverage of sector seven.

Unit five set up a
parameter with unit six.

Copy that.

Hold your fire
until I give a signal.

Keep an eye in
sector five and six.

Multiple targets
approaching from west.

1032c1011 swat HQ.

(space ship revving)

(laughs) I told them
no prison could hold me.

I carry with my hulking
body all the power

of the upside down
Christmas itself.

Within my roiling brain all
the knowledge and malevolence

of the universal millenniums.

I am Krampus, the
shadow to the light.

The almighty demon who
maligns and punishes those

who dare misbehave,

and now they will all pay.

(ship engine revving)

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[Kali] Greetings, RA.

I trust I'm not disturbing you.

You disturb me by
your very existence.

Punning mortal, there's
nothing you can say

or do to make it
any better or worse.

Okay, then I'll
dispense with formality.

Please.

VH is MIA.

That's a lot of
acronyms commander.

Let me be clearer, Jack
Van Helsing's gone missing.

As I understand it, Jack
Van Helsing d*ed long ago.

He who the Allied referred

to as Jack was actually Jack
version, yada yada, yada.

You're using the past tense RA.

Any particular reason for that?

You control your
own conclusions,

can you not?

I am the sun god, RA.

The all seeing, all knowing
deity of the afterlife.

If it transpires on
this plane of existence,

I know about it as if it
was before it happens.

You're saying Jack's dead?

As dead as you let him be.

Cut the sh*t, Phantom.

I don't need your riddles.

What happened to VH?

Where did he go?

Who-
- A man made monster

was the one who felled
your partner, commander,

but fret not, he
did not suffer long,

and you possess the
technology to incarnate him

a thousand fold.

Not reincarnate, regenerate,

but I don't want
to regenerate him.

I want the one
we're talking about.

Alas, that ship has sailed.

No, it hasn't.

I'm carrying part
of him inside me.

You're with child.

You knew that.

Yes.

Just like I know you won't rest

until you uncover
Van Helsing's bones;

however much of his mortal
shell is recoverable.

You're right, RA,

but even if we
regenerated him right now

you're saying the one
who sired the fetus

inside me is gone forever.

Yes.

Then I don't want another.

I'd rather be alone.

If my baby's father
can't hold it,

no man will.

It's just as well for what
remains of the human race.

Now Tito's on the
brink of oblivion.

What makes you say that?

My dear, you're
communicating with a walking,

talking doomsday clock,

and both hands now
touch midnight.

I won't accept that.

You have no choice.

Oh, but I do and I'll prove it.

Countless others have tried
to prove my prophecy's wrong.

They're all dust and bones.

You haven't dealt
with anyone like me, RA.

I'm single-handedly responsible

for the human race's survival,

and I won't succumb
to defeat now

Defeat and death are two
different things, commander.

You may have had one,

but you can never
outrun the other.

Watch me.

(suspenseful music)

What the f*ck you
mean VH is no more?

What's it mean?

Calm down, Bigfoot.

I reacted to the news the
same way you are, believe me,

but we've got to
hold it together.

The Allies will carry on,

we have to.

Our whole is greater than
the sum of our of our parts.

I don't need to know nothing
about your holes, Kali,

all due respect that's
between you and VH.

Alls I know is Jack Van
Helsing is my best friend, yo.

We've traversed
the stars together,

partied, drink up,
smoked out, you name it.

If I may interrupt,
I took it upon myself

to organize a Memorial
service this Sunday at-

Shut your f*cking
mouth, Tin man!

Aint nobody memorizing
my boy till we know

for sure he's dead.

It's been confirmed, Foot,

By who?

By the sun god, RA.

RA, RA, RA, f*ck that
raspy ass cheerleader.

He speaks and double speak
to make himself sound smart,

and he don't say a damn thing.

Kali is correct, Bigfoot.

Thousands of years ago RA's
spirit merged with Osiris's,

the god of the dead.

To Lord over both this
life and the afterlife,

if anyone would know
it's one of them.

Oh yeah, well maybe
I'll pop by Anubis's place

and ask him.

I sure as f*ck ain't
gonna waste my time

with RA, RA's mumbo jumbo.

It's highly inadvisable,

even for Sasquatch
of your stature.

The doc shows, right?

Osiris could strike her down
for such a transgression.

Bullshit!

I've been down there before.

That m*therf*cker Anubis

got himself a g*dd*mn
Cappuccino maker in his volt.

He whips a little cream
leaves on top and everything.

Really, I quite like Espresso.

Who curves.

Listen, Kali, if you
don't need me for nothing,

I'm gonna take off
for a little bit.

I just gotta find
out for myself.

What's up with VH.

Forgive me,

but sh*t's f*cking weird
around here lately.

I don't believe nothing out
here in these headquarters.

Understood Foot, healthy
skepticism is a good thing.

Take all the time you need,

but keep your ship's
communication line open

in case we need you.

Trouble has a tendency to
find us whenever you go

on walk about.

Funny, isn't it?

Guess you need my big ass, huh?

If RA's right,

and VH has gone then yes we do.

And more importantly,
I need you.

Be careful out there Bigfoot.

I couldn't bear to
lose you as well.

You ain't gonna lose me, girl.

I seen tougher times in this.

- Farewell, Bigfoot.
- Eat a d*ck cork sucker.

(ship swooshes)

I can't believe
this is happening.

I ranted and raved
back at headquarters,

but what Kali said shook me.

When VH told me he
was ducking out,

I didn't think nothing of it.

He's a tough son of a bitch.

He couldn't handle his business.

No reason to think otherwise.

What I didn't consider was

that he'll get caught
alone in an ambushed.

I just passed some
opportunistic chicken sh*t.

Looking to make a name
for themselves by whacking

one of the galaxy's
most famous heroes.

I still think this
might all be bullshit.

I mean, if I was gonna
make a permanent break

from the Allies,

and from an overbearing
baby mama, like Kali,

I'd proudly fake my own death.

Maybe that's what VH is up to.

Maybe he's kicking back
in a penthouse somewhere

on planet Gulgong right now

with a green bitch
blowing his horn,

and the blue horn
riding his beard.

Or a blue bitch blowing his horn

and a green bitch
riding his beard,

or both b*tches blowing
his horn or damn!

Maybe I'll hit up
planet Gulgong first

to make sure just thinking
about it's has got me warmed up.

(upbeat music)

Yo, Anubis?

What's up, dawg?

Huh, who goes there?

Just us Sasquatches.

It's me, Bigfoot

Oh, what bring you to my
sarcophagus, mythological beast?

I thought we concluded
our business the last time

So did I, but I got
a question for you,

and I was wondering if you
still made them delicious

Cappuccino was like before.

Sadly, the machine broke.

Seems the modern universe

no longer manufactures
items to last.

Tell me about it.

I went through eight pairs
of work boots trying to fit

in with them Allies and
not be such a wild animal.

The last pair cost
me half a paycheck,

and lasted a month,

and after that I was like,
"f*ck, this I'm a Sasquatch.

Anybody got a
problem with my feet

they can suck my big dope."
- that's the attitude.

I know, right?

Anyway listen, I wanted to ask
you about my boy Van Helsing.

Van Helsing.

What about him?

Rumor is he's dead as sh*t.

Blasted out of the stars
somewhere here and plant Gulgong.

Planet Gulgong, huh?

Lots of fun p*ssy up there.

(laughs) Yeah, them girls
can raise some eyebrows,

among other things.

So you seek a definitive answer

as to your friend's
mortal status?

That's right.

I figured you were
a good dude to ask

seeing as how I don't
trust that bra punk

as far as I can throw.

RA?

He's as awful as my strange
father, Osiris, if not worse.

The ego on that deity.

Yeah, I guess being
the King of deities,

and the father of
creation and all,

bullshit can go
to a dude's head.

You think either he or my father

could replace my
Cappuccino maker?

It's not like I possess much.

Right, cheap pieces of.

You're a good son, my dude.

You deserve better.

Thank you, Bigfoot.

And to answer your question,

no, although we he did
encounter unexpected strife,

and became disable as a result.

Van Helsing still breathes.

He does?

Hot damn.

I knew that son of a was alive.

Indeed, this is quite
the long way to travel

to ask a question you
already knew the answer to.

What can I say?

I'm a creature in them books.

To say the least if that's all,

I'd like to return
to my slumber now.

Right, see you around, dawg.

Goodbye, Bigfoot.

Oh, is there like a
coffee shop anywhere nearby?

It's 4,000 miles to the
newest convenient store,

and they serve a planned pot.

sh*t!

That was a close call.

I don't know what
planet this is,

but I think I'm gonna
be here for a while.

The hammer of god's
not operational,

her thrusters are trashed,

and her transmissions are down.

It's hot as hell down here.

I should find some shade
and try to stay cool.

Even though I made it clear

I wanted to disappear
and not be found.

Maybe food will come
looking for me, someday.

Tick tock, mortals
three days till the end.

For when the clock strikes
midnight on Christmas Eve,

doomsday will be upon you all.

I liked your style Krampus.

Lucifer, how did you
find me, antichrist.

Easily, I see when
you've been sleeping.

I know when you're awake.

I know when you've
been bad or good,

and you've been bad.

Very, very bad for hell's sake.

Why thank you, dark lord.

To what do I owe the sadistic
pleasure of your presence?

Like you, I see ways to
foil the holiday season

to bring sorrow and pain to
the mortal coils revelry.

A demon after my own
black heart you are.

Your prison break was
ex*cuted perfectly, Krampus,

but your pipeline is not
without its villainess.

How so?

Join me, and I will reveal all.

I'm kinda used to
going at it a lone.

If it's all the same
to you, Mephistopheles.

Alone.

I was once a loner.

The ultimate loner,

eternity's fallen angel.

Shunned, denied, and
forsaken the universe over

throughout the ages.

You more than any poor soul
in history got a raw deal.

Yes, but I used it to fuel
my vengeance and hatred.

My eternal grudge
against all humanity.

My endless w*r
against the light,

and when I was ready,

I was resurrected with the
might of a million evil rith

in my back.

They lifted me from
the flames of rejection

and sent me upon the
hells red throne.

Sounds comfy.

Did you toast marshmallows?

Indeed, I made my own.

Cut from the soft
bellies of angelic babes

and dipped in the boiling
blood of their mothers.

Hm, an acquired taste perhaps.

Join me, Krampus,

and the full force of
hell's minion shall be

at your disposal.

Minions, huh?

So who gets the credits when
I usher in the new dark age

of panic, fear, and degradation?

Me, of course,

but as you will be
my right hand demon,

the photo apps
will be plentiful.

Hmm, photo apps?

That won't help my brand, daddy.

I disagree themed.

Hell's view are far reaching.

Our spinning machine
second to none.

But I already have
arch villain status.

I am too Santa Claus.

What you are to God Almighty.

In fact, some dogmatic
circles consider you

and I one and the same.

I'm aware and it's an
oversight I'd like to rectify.

We both worked far too
hard to be confused

or mistaken for
any other humans.

Standing side by side we may

at last achieve the distinction.

True that, tempter.

Can I sleep on it?

Have some time to mull it over.

Time draws thin, scoundrel.

It's a mere three
days to Christmas,

72 hours till midnight.

I can hear the ticking of
the clock like an oven timer

when you put it like that.

You have until tomorrow to
give me your answer, Krampus.

Choose damnation and
I'll all dispatch 1,000

of hell's rap scallions
to ride by your side.

And if I choose to
remain the lone wolf?

Well, let's say
we cross that bridge

when we come to it, hmm?

(ambient music)

I feel like a damn fool for
thinking we'd actually be able

to ravel in the
holidays this year.

What the hell was I thinking?

There's no rest for the wicked,

or the Allies.

- Kali?
- (gasps) Queen Shaliah?

Where are you?

I'm gone, princess.

- But you still speak.
- Yes,

though I'm no longer in
your realm of existence,

the spirit yet lives.

[Kali] So you're dead.

[Shaliah] Correct.

My flesh is no more,

but my soul still sails.

[Kali] I fear for the
resistance, Shaliah.

What can we do to
stop the madness?

Faith, Kali, you
have to have faith.

Currently the forces of
darkness amass against you.

If they reach an agreement,

the threats you've
face will be legion.

[Kali] That's nothing new.

We've been outnumbered
and outgunned

since the day be
earth collapsed.

Proving the odds wrong has
become commonplace to us.

[Shaliah] In the
commonplace is complacency,

and in complacency is defeat.

I'm not concerned about
our readiness queen.

We still have ACEs
up our sleeves.

Such as?

Such as baddest bad-ass
any of us have ever known.

He's a walking w*r machine.

Sounds like a real hell
raiser and he'll need to be.

(suspenseful music)

Yee haw!

That space Jack's flat through
was a damn welcome stop.

And that Equinox, espresso
bottoms are real kick

in the ass.

Imam to the ears
and jerk to the Jos.

And now that I know
that VH is still alive,

somewhere out there,

I'ma focus on finding
that no good m*therf*cker,

who tried to do my boy in,

and I'll rip him limb from limb.

You talk a good game, Sasquatch,

but can your bron back up
with your braggadocio posts.

Jack?

You auto headed assh*le,

I thought you disappeared
the Halloween world forever.

What the f*ck are you doing
driving around this galaxy

at Christmas time?

Shopping, what else?

For who?

You got no friends
and you got no family.

You got no money either.

I need no money to
shoplift, Bigfoot.

See, now that makes more sense

just sticky fingers
suck of sh*t.

Sticks and stones may
break my bones, Sasquatch

but names will
only bring me fame.

What the hell do you want?

I got sh*t to do.

I seek no quarrel, beast.

On the contrary, I
come bearing a warning.

The midnight hour
fast approaches.

Midnight?

It's like four in
the afternoon, bitch.

Learn how to tell time.

Oh, but I speak in
metaphor, man thing.

The concept is probably
over your head.

Well, mock load balls
are over your head,

you stinking squash.

And if you don't b*at it,

I'll take that run thing

clean off your scrawny
shoulders for ya.

You'll dig

Well in that case,
suck on this, Sasquatch!

(g*n fires)

(ship explodes)

Your anger.

Man, get the f*ck out of here.

Is that your last wish?

I aint got no last wishes,

'cause are you dying, assh*le?

It won't hurt to ask.

Fine, let me survive this crush.

As you wish.

(Bigfoot screams)

(upbeat music)

Looks like I have company.

Hopefully it's a
friend, not a foe.

Long time no see, old buddy.

Huh, VH?

Imagine meeting you here.

What are the odds, right?

Better than most I imagine,

since we know all
these guys and sh*t.

It does keep things interesting.

Right, bro, everybody
thinks you're dead.

Not the first time.

Probably won't be the last.

I heard that.

FYI, Kali is all broke up.

You mean she hasn't
re-cloned me yet?

Nope, not that I know of.

Well, I'm sure it's coming.

You might be right,

but if we send out
a distress signal,

HQ can come and pick us
up then she won't have to.

My transmitters are sh*t.

My ship's dead.

How about yours?

Who needs technology when
they got the sun god, RA?

Good point.

And I was just starting
to like it here.

It is quiet.

Where are we anyhow?

Your guess is as good as mine.

What does it matter now?

Guess it don't.

Yo RA, are you still there?

Always Sasquatch.

Sweet.

Got another favorite to ask ya.

Lucy, I'm home.

I know I should be surprised,

but somehow I'm not.

Talk about anticlimactic.

It's nice to see
you too, princess.

VH, I'll conduct a routine
health and wellness physical,

and also check your
body for any injuries,

or vital infections.

You won't try to stick
anything up my ass, right doc?

As the residental
rectal inspector, VH,

you needn't worry,

I'll be gentle.

There'll be a time for
singing later, Bigfoot.

Right now we have more
pressing matters to attend to.

Our radar shows, forces
amassing on all sides

of our mothers hip.

If they open fire at once,

we'll never stop them all.

(upbeat music)

Is this the regime,

this the soil,

this the clime,

this the seat that we
must change for heaven?

This mournful gloom for
the celestial light.

Be it so since he who now is
sovereign can dispose and bid

what shall be right.

Vertex from him is best.

Whom reason have equaled,

force have made Supreme
above his equals.

Farewell happy fields
with joy forever dwells.

Hail Horus, hail inferno world,

and though profoundest hell
receive thy new possessor.

One who brings a mind,

not to be changed
by place or time.

The mind is its own place,

and in itself can
make a heaven of hell,

and the hell of heaven.

What matter where if
I be still the same,

and what I should
be all but less

than he who thunder
but made greater.

Here at least we shall be free.

The Almighty have not
built here for his envy

will not drive us hints.

Here we may rein secure,

and in my choice to rein
is ambition and hell.

For it is better to rein in
hell then to serve in heaven.

You've got that
right, fallen angel.

I didn't summon you

from the eternal pits
of fire, Xterminator.

Your titanium exoskeleton
should still be softening

and melting in a slow
boil of molten lave.

I had other ideas, Lucifer.

That's god of the
underworld to you, charlatan.

Well, you can call
me, Xterminator or sir.

Sir? (chuckles)

I'll call you whatever
I wish, Tin man.

I love what you've
done with the place.

By the way, it's be fitting

of an unimaginative
outcast like you.

Enough small talk, machine,

what is it you want?

Oh, I'm no mere machine, demon.

I'm an engine of destruction.

A harbinger of mega death.

And you'll soon
be under my wheels,

if you don't mind your
voice box, toaster top.

Cut the sh*t!

What brings you?

Very well, black sheep,

I'm here to make a deal.

I don't make deals,

I give orders,

and you take them without
argument or a question.

I've never taken an order
in my entire existence,

and I'm not about to start now.

Well, I'll get used
to it if I were you.

Subservience is everyone's
lot in the afterlife.

You either serve gods or demons,

which is up to you.

I prefer a necklace
made of god's eyes,

and your teeth, despot.

Well, don't sing it, you
walking karaoke jukebox.

Bring it.

I'll bring it straight
through your face, assh*le.

And still you circle high above,

afraid to touch down
and go mano a mano.

Hardly, I'm low on fuel,

and if I journey to the
hell to f*ck your sh*t up,

I know I'll become stranded.

Oh, and why is that?

Gas prices down
there are a bitch?

Talk about gouging.

You haven't seen the
half of it, come closer,

and gauge your tin-testicles

and tear them clean off that
embarrassing hunk hydraulics

you call a body.

It sounds like you and I are
destined to do this one way

or another, Lucifer.

Sounds like you're angling
for rain check, Xterminator.

No, not a rain check,

a future surprise.

Know this you'll
never see me coming.

I prefer not to,

keeps my reflexes sharp.

They'll need to be,

I upgraded 50 times
the above average human

quick Twitch muscle function.

Must be tricky
jerking off of then.

[Xterminator] I'll jerk off
with your severed arm, devil.

Is that a thr*at?

Not a thr*at,

it's a spoiler.

Well, hold the
thought metal mouth.

As we speak my millions
are messing around you

on all sides to wreck major
havoc on the Eve of Christmas.

Do you know how I
love carnage and mayhem?

I'm painfully aware, bot brain.

You and your artificial
intelligence have been nothing

but a headache to me.

Well, fear not,

the ache will soon be relieved.

When I hoist your
decapitated dome up high

and watch your minions
bow down in submission.

You sound sure of yourself.

Oh, I am aristo, I am.

Excellent.

I do so love proving
the faithful role.

I do not run on faith,
trickster, only certainty.

Certainty that I'll
crush your bones

to powder and snort your
sizzling evil blood directly

into one of my free Ram drives.

You know, it's a
shame, Xterminator,

in another universe we'd have
made a great team you and I.

Call me, Tin man,

and tell your army to make room.

I'm joining their fight

against the good people
of this universe.

And then I'm coming
for you, devil.

Take your best sh*t, cyborg.

I look forward to it.

(ships exploding)

sh*t, how many of
them are out there, VH?

I count six with more
w*r pinion as we speak.

They're armed to the hilt.

There's no way we can
defend against them all.

(ship explodes)

(tense music)

Room for one more evil doers?

(laughs)

Happy Christmas Eve, Krampus
is you've had ample time

to consider my offer.

Now what say you?

I say ours is a forced
too mighty to stay separate,

so let us unite and
finish what remains

of the human scorch.

Like music to my ears,
you horned heretic.

Laser cannons ready,
minions, on my command.

(alarm blaring)

[Xterminator] Is the
party starting without me?

Oh, for f*ck's sake,

who invited you?

You're master,
Lucifer, naturally.

Lucifer, is this
some kind of joke?

I had to get rid of
that assh*le somehow.

So you sent him to me?

This violates our agreement.

There are no violations in
a godless universe, Krampus.

Only ones will.

And as I have said
so many times before,

do what thou wilt.

Welcome Allister.

I was hoping you'd make it.

As was I, Lucifer.

So nice to see you all again,

even you Krampus.

Ruthless work you
perform dispatching all

of my Illuminati army in one
fell swoop such as you did.

Why thank you.

And I assumed I'd done
away with you too, croy.

(laughs) Foolish demon, one
would have to rise very early

in the sun rotation to
foil the great beast.

Mark my words, empty Santa's,

and mock them now.

Regardless of allegiances
so long as evil flourishes,

I shout and me around!

Splendid minions,
our numbers are great,

and our will is strong.

The human enemy is
ours to decimate,

and the endless wars
not ours to lose.

Ah, f*ck this!

(g*n fires)

(ship explodes)

Krampus, Xterminator
was fighting for our side.

What have you done?

I did what everyone
else was thinking,

to hell with that
g*dd*mn, golem.

Oh no!

(sighs)

I suppose always seen
my blasted bucket

of bolts even
sooner than planned.

(suspenseful music)

[Kali] They just destroyed one

of their own fighters, VH.

Insane, maybe the wipe
each other out for us.

If they turn on each other,

we may be able to slip away.

f*ck it, let's warm speed.

No, there are still
too many eyes on us.

(suspenseful music)

Do not sleep on the
thr*at before you minions.

The Allie's mothers hip
is dangerous.

They must be dealt
the fatal blow.

We only have one chance,

if we stay here,
we're sitting ducks.

These hands ain't
looking so hard,

and this Sasquatch ain't going
down with the ship, ah-ah.

Somebody's gotta survive.

(suspenseful music)

Wait until the next sh*ts fired.

If it's in our direction,

we'll have a split
second to warp out.

- How are your reflexes?
- Sharp as a cat.

Yours?

I love you princess
and our little one too.

- I love you too.
- Now!

(ship explodes)

No VH, Princess Kali,

just listened to
me one goddam time.

I was only trying
to save your lives.

It's all I've ever done.

Now it's over.

The w*r's lost.

The humans are no more.

This universe belongs
to the monsters now,

and they ain't never been a
more dangerous time to be alive.

(somber music)

You did it, Krampus.

The Allied mothers hip
is incinerated,

and along with the
last of humanity.

You should be very proud, demon.

Were that it were true, Lucifer.

Alas, the universe feels
more empty than ever,

devoid of meaning.

Devoid of meaning?

Bullshit!

The living realm has
never had more meaning

than it does right now.

And just what is the
meaning, antichrist?

That evil wins.

Good dies and the
righteous have no recourse,

but to acquiesce fully and
completely to the dark.

But I am one who
derives great pleasure

from bringing fear and frowns.

Where does this hollow
victory leave me?

It leaves you on
my side, Krampus.

You now advance for me,

nothing more than
centers dark half

to a field and reveal
a Lieutenant of hell.

That does have a ring to it.

Give it time, demon.

Soon you'll come to
realize that hell holds

an imaginable pleasures
and wonders of the flesh,

the mind and beyond.

Very well, I'm
coming down devil.

I'll be there shortly.

I'll keep your seat
warm for you, Krampus,

very warm indeed.

(suspense music)

So this is it.

This is where the road ends.

I got no where to go and
nothing left to live for.

Except getting revenge
for our dead homies.

Sure, I might die trying,

but I ain't never been
scared of no consequences.

So helped me, come
hell or high water,

I'm gonna rip the devil's
head clean off his shoulders,

and hold it up to the heavens.

As God is my witness.

(suspenseful music)

(wheel squeaking)

(humans screaming)

(beast growling)

[Bigfoot] Not today, Satan!

(upbeat music)