01x03 - Trust Your Sphincter

[bunniefuu]

Hello?

Anybody home?

Sandra?

Oh, boy.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Some might call this money laundering.

f*ck off.

Why don't you use the washing machine?

Thought about it. But
then it occurred to me,

do I want a stranger's fecal matter

mingling with my dainties?

Smart.

I would go with sad, but thanks.

I know I'm not supposed
to ask about your business,

but I noticed a little blood
on your Bruno Maglis, O.J.

Was there?

Yup. sh*t on the money,
blood on the shoes,

"My Life In Crime" by Danny Colavito.

Nothing to worry about.

That's it?

I'd like it to be it, yeah.

Why don't you take some
of this toilet paper

and, uh, go to the mall and
get yourself something pretty?

Some?

- Half?
- Better.

- I got to go.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Can't wait to see what bodily fluids

you come home with tonight.

♪ ♪

[PANTING]

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

[PANTING]

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, God.

MAN: Hello.

I prayed for a young
woman, but you'll do.

713: Pacers plus 12 and a
half, eight minus three.

Grizzlies minus one. Nuggets
plus four and a half.

Okay, slow down, slow down.

Nuggets plus four and
a half. Good to go.

713 [GROANING]: Thank you.

Are you doing all right?

Not really. I had to put
my dog down this morning.

Oh, no.

How old?

Fifteen.

[WINCES] Damn.

Well, just know he's
gonna be waiting for you

at that rainbow bridge.

I hope so.

Hang in there, 713.

And you know what? Double
me up on the Grizzlies.

Kind of feeling that one.

Mm. Done.

[SCOFFS]

Rainbow bridge?

Oh, you don't know that?

It's a special part of heaven
where your pets wait for you.

It was told to me as a child. I like it.

[CHUCKLES]

- Go ahead, say it.
- What?

- Yeah, you're judging me.
- No, no, I'm not.

I mean, it's a little...

"Spot went to live
on the farm," but hey.

That's white folks' sh*t.

I don't know why I open up to you.

It's not safe.

[DANNY GRUNTS]

Before I forget, from yesterday.

Ooh, lemony fresh.

Yeah, Sandra used dishwashing soap

and then ran an iron over them.

Very thoughtful. You're
lucky to have her.

Sure. Let's call it luck.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO]

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- I'll be right back.

Why do you get to go in?

Because when I go in, I'm in, I'm out.

When you go in, it's like
losing a kid at the supermarket.

f*ck that. I'm coming in.

Ooh.

Hey, hey.

We're working.

[LAUGHS]

[MOANING]

[MOANING CONTINUES]

Happy?

Very.

[MOANING CONTINUES]

Hey, isn't that the
young lady from the rehab?

Oh, yeah. What step is this?

Lex, remember, you're sad!

[SOBBING AND MOANING]

What an actor.

When he hits 50, his lumbar
is gonna be a disaster.

Hey, guys.

Well done, young man.

Didn't know you ate on
both sides of the buffet.

A hole's a hole, Ray.

Hey, I was thinking maybe
it's time we up my number.

Your cushion's ten grand
now. You wanna double it?

I was thinking a little more.

Let me ask the president
of your fan club. Ray?

- He seems to have a steady source of income.
- [CHUCKLES]

Okay.

It's the biggest d*ck in the business.

- [LAUGHS]
- [GROANS]

Three times, done.

Thanks, Danny.

DIRECTOR: All right, we're going again.

You guys want to watch?

I'm gonna cornhole the both of 'em.

Ooh, can we?

Five minutes. I'm gonna
hit the craft table.

See if they got any popcorn!

How much do you think Lex
makes with those movies?

Whatever it is, it's chump change

compared to what he
charges private clients.

Can you imagine making
a living like that?

Yeah, if I wanted to destroy my ability

to love another human
being in an authentic way.

Way to ruin p*rn.

- Cowboy!
- Danny!

Rayfield. Howdy.

- Howdy.
- Yeah, howdy.

Sorry I missed Devorah's
bat mitzvah. How'd it go?

Danny, such a night.

She was everything her
shmugeggy brother wasn't.

Did she get our gift?

You didn't get a note?

- Ah, don't worry about it.
- This is wrong.

You will get a note.

Now, what do you got? Show me.

Ooh. Mille.

RM 39-01.

Do I want to know the story?

- It's not hot.
- We got it in a trade.

Mm. Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Case looks good.

Eh, the wristband's a
little worn, no biggie.

- 32K.
- Come on, Cowboy,

- it's 150K on eBay.
- Then sell it on eBay.

You know I can't sell it on eBay.

- You said it wasn't hot.
- It's not!

You know who buys this for 150K?

An oligarch with a head injury.

[SIGHS] For this to make
any sense at all, we need 75.

[STAMMERS]

Thirty-eight.

That is as high as
the Cowboychik can go.

The Cowboychik can go
take a sh*t in his hat.

Well, which one? [CHUCKLES]

What are you, nine
years old? Walking around

looking like Brokeback
f*cking Mountain?

- Hold on!
- Oh, okay, stay calm.

Cowboy, thank you for your
time. Rayfield, let's go.

Wait.

- Forty-five.
- Sold.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks. We can take it from here.

As you wish.

Ring the bell when you're done.

RAY: Thank you.

[SCOFFS] There's something
wrong about that guy.

- Oh, good, it's not just me?
- Nope.

I got this whole story in my head

that he's got runaway kids
locked in his basement.

He comes home every night,
nukes himself a Lean Cuisine,

and fiddles with 'em.

- "Fiddles with 'em"?
- Well, what do you got?

I don't know.

He collects puppets or something.

Well, what's so wrong about that?

Let's just get out of here.

Listen, I'm not saying
puppets aren't creepy,

but I think you need more.

Like a puppet with an evil spirit.

You're down.

- How's it going?
- I was born to do this.

You used to deal a little weed, right?

A lot of weed. Heavyweight clientele.

Is that so?

I don't want to brag,

but Wiz Khalifa had me on retainer.

Nice.

You ever have any dealings with, uh...

motorcycle gangs, drug
cartels, stuff like that?

Oh, no, no, no.

I cultivated your high-end customers.

Nobody ever got a Colombian necktie

selling edibles to Gwyneth Paltrow.

- Why do you ask?
- Can you keep a secret?

Absolutely.

Course, if I end up in a warehouse

with my nuts attached to a car battery,

I'll give up my mother.

["TIN MAN" BY AMERICA PLAYING]

I got to make a couple of stops.

Janelle?

And Brook.

- No problem.
- And Sharise.

Ooh! The baby mama hat trick!

Trifecta.

Three-peat!

Back off.

Sorry.

I can't imagine the pain
you're going through,

having loved and lost.

And lost and lost.

Do you want to meet your dead
dog on that f*ckin' bridge?

I'm done.

♪ And catch the perfect prize... ♪

You need backup?

I'll be okay.

You sure? I don't want to
see you get arrested again.

A guy opens the door
wearing my clothes...

what am I supposed to do?

Probably not as*ault and battery.

It got knocked down to
"disturbing the peace."

Okay.

♪ Didn't already have... ♪

Yeah, maybe you should come with me.

♪ The reason for... ♪

I got your back.

I'm gonna stay away
from your front though.

I don't want to get pregnant.

[INHALES, EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪ Galahad... ♪

What?

[SINGSONGY]: Hey.

Hey!

[GASPS] Who's that?

Hey, Janelle.

Danny.

RAY: Boy, you got big.

Mm-hmm.

Just like his daddy.

Hip hip hooray for DNA, huh?

[BABBLING]

I'll just...

[JANELLE BABY-TALKING]

Brought the child support.

Thank you. Oh, say "Thank you, Daddy."

- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]

- You want to hold Ray Jr.?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Go to Daddy. Go to Daddy.

Look at you, little man! How you doin'?

- Say, "I'm off the titty now."
- What?

"So I'm eating solid food."

Well, that's great. [LAUGHS]

When you gonna quit the titty, Ray?

I know, I know.

Does your brother know about
your little side hustle?

Hell no. That p*ssy
would've shut me down

in a New York second.

Not that it matters now. I'm done.

You're lucky to be alive.

f*ckin' biker g*ng had a drone.

When did biker gangs get drones?

You know the most dangerous
part of the pot business?

- What?
- When I started,

I weighed 140 pounds.

Seriously, I looked like Jesus.

I finally get good at something
and now I got to give it up.

Mm-mm. The only thing
you need to give up

is thinking of yourself
as a drug dealer.

But that's what I am.

Au contraire. You're a shaman.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Mushrooms are a pathway to
love, truth, transcendence.

You're not dealing dr*gs.
You're dealing enlightenment.

Ergo, a shaman.

Shut up.

And the best part is,

shrooms have a set market price.

But you add a little hand-holding,

some guided therapy... you
know, witch doctor sh*t...

and the fiscal rewards are infinite.

So, go legit?

Well, it's still completely
illegal, but yeah.

Lorraine Colavito, shaman.

I don't know why, but I picture
you wearing some kind of hat.

Try not to talk.

Got it.

- Seriously.
- Not a word.

BROOK: Oh, damn.

Nice to see you, too. Is Junior around?

Ray Jr., your daddy's here!

Oh, I see you're still
hanging out with this lowlife.

Afraid so.

- Hey!
- Hi, Dad.

Hey, Junior!

How's the champ doing?

- You been a good boy?
- No.

I was talking to him.

- Yes.
- Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

Hey, I know you wanted
one of those PlayStations.

- Here you go.
- Oh, thanks!

You need help setting this up?

No, Rocko can help me.

- Who's Rocko? Who's Rocko?
- All right. Go inside.

- RAY JR.: Bye, Dad.
- RAY: Bye.

A little help, please.

[GRUNTS] Okay.

Here's your child support.

BROOK: Thanks.

And what's up with you?
Cat got your tongue?

[SCOFFS]

Let's go.

You see what I did back there?

- Yeah, I saw.
- You know Penn & Teller?

- Mm-hmm.
- I was doing Teller.

[RAY GROANS]

[KNOCKING]

[CHEERING OVER TV]

[SHRIEKS]

DANNY: When you were a kid,

did they teach sex education in school?

Yeah, sure.

Were you sick the day
they explained condoms?

[PHONE VIBRATES]

What the f*ck does he want?

- Who?
- Walt Disney.

Oh, this is gonna be
good. Put it on speaker.

Yeah, Walt.

WALT [OVER PHONE]:
Greetings from Anaheim!

I'm here with Danny. What's up?

WALT: ♪ Danny-Danny fo-fanny ♪

♪ Banana-fana fo-fanny, Danny ♪

Funny every time, Walt.

Hey, so listen, I hooked a real Shamu,

and need to lay off some of the action.

Who's the whale?

If you don't mind,

I'd rather lay the details
on you faccia a faccia.

It's face to face. Sorry.

I was trying something.

Didn't work.

Hey, gentlemen.

- Hey, Walt.
- Walt.

Thank you for meeting
me on such short notice.

No problem.

I took the liberty of
ordering a couple martinis.

Hope that's okay.

Eugene, we're gonna need
a very tall seafood tower.

- Make my nose bleed.
- Very good, Mr. Dinty.

All right. Thanks, bud.

Please tell me no allergies.

- No, we're fine.
- [GROANS]

I got a stepsister, she even
looks at a shrimp cocktail,

blows up like a balloon.

We almost lost her on prom night.

- We're good.
- [CHUCKLING] Okay, okay.

So, what brings you up the 405?

Oh, okay. Right to it. Huh?

- No lube?
- RAY: Jesus. How are you?

How are the kids? They grow up so fast.

- Come on now.
- Okay!

I got a guy looking to
bet a hundred grand a game,

maybe three, four times a week.



We'd cover two.

Uh... you know,
let's-let's play it safe

and say 500, 250 each?

That's safe?

My sphincter could bend steel right now.

I mean, if it's too rich for you guys,

- I totally understand.
- Don't condescend.

Well, then don't wet your panties.

Why isn't your guy betting in Vegas?

He certainly could get a
free room at those numbers.

WALT: Because he's smart.

Huh? No paper trail, there's no taxes.

What else do you know about him?

WALT: Well, let's see.

He is of the Asian persuasion.

Not that that matters, I'm colorblind.

He has factories in Cambodia

that make high-end sneakers.

There may be children
on the assembly lines,

I do not ask.

Uh, moved here in 2009,

and financed a bunch of slasher films

so he can meet young ingenues
of the Caucasian persuasion.

That enough? You guys need more?

- Yeah, is he any good?
- [FORCED LAUGH]

Well, he thinks he is.

That's all that really
matters, am I right?

[SIGHS]

You know, we'd have to
agree on the point spread

before we take any bets.

- Yeah, yeah, of course.
- What if instead of paying us,

he decides to jump on
a plane and disappear?

Well, that would be very
disappointing, right?

But what if he loses 16 weeks
in a row and we all retire?

Talk to me. How's your sphincter?

WALT: Whoa!

I hope none of you
guys are keeping Kosher.

You guys mind if I get
a quick sh*t of this?

I'll make it a vid.

You guys mind if I get a vid of this?

- I'm home.
- [DROPS KEYS]

Anybody?

What's the f*ck with these candles?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I was setting the mood.

Oh.

How do you like my new bag?

Well, it's not the first
thing I noticed, but...

- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]

Anthony's on Discord.

[GRUNTS]

I'm guessing you got
the purse at Neiman's?

[MOUTH FULL]: Saks.

[GRUNTS] You're welcome.

No. "Saks."

Oh. Saks.

Nice.

[PHONE VIBRATING]

Don't.

It's Ray.

- Could be important.
- Think it through, Danny.

You're right, you're right. [EXHALES]

Carry on.

- [VIBRATING CONTINUES]
- [GRUNTS]

- [RECORDED]: Hi, this is Danny.
- [WATER RUNNING]

- Go.
- Aw, f*ck.

[SIGHS]: I'm sorry,
Walt, I can't get him.

[SIGHS] Game's kicking
off in five minutes.

I need an answer.

See this?

I used to live here.

- We're in.
- Balls the size of Montana.

- I love it!
- [LINE DISCONNECTS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Sweet Jesus in heaven,

I never ask you for much,
but I'm asking you for this.

Please let the Broncos
lose by at least six.

What are you doing?

Praying.

Is everything okay?

[SIGHS]

No.

Oh, baby.

Hang on. I got something
that'll make you feel better.

- What?
- I'm gonna make you some tea.

No caffeine, right?

No.

Wouldn't do that to you.

You can check your phone now.

- You sure?
- [CHUCKLES]

Unless you got another
round in the chamber.

Yeah. I do not.

[GIGGLES] I'll be right back.

Maybe in the morning?

[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]

I got to go! Thanks for the blow job!

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [CHEERING OVER TVS]

Rayfield.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Rayfield?!

Rayfield!

Oh, look, there's your brother.

Danny!

Hey!

Oh, thank God.

What was the spread?

Oh, I want to say...

six.

- You want to?
- Danny, go easy.

- ♪ Easy like Sunday morning. ♪
- [CHUCKLING]

The f*ck's wrong with you?

I thought you liked that old corny sh*t.

- Are you high?
- Am I high?

You're high. He's high.

Oh. Well,

was he high when he
committed us to $200,000

on a Monday f*cking
Night Football game?!

I don't know. Let me ask him.

- Ray, honey?
- Huh?

Were you high when you took the bet?

What bet?

Oh, f*ck.

[WHISPERS]: Oh, f*ck.

I have so many children.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

f*cking field goal kicker.

I could have him k*lled.

- [CHUCKLES]: That's funny.
- Good one.

Uh-uh.

- Mm-mm.
- $440,000.

You want to count it?

- No, sir.
- I'd kind of like to...

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Okay.

Excuse me, is that one
of those Mille watches?

Yes. These are very expensive.

I bought it from a crazy
Jew for $180,000, cash.

You can't afford.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Jack, I'm hungry.

When are we going?

Go make yourself crackers and cheese.

- Okay?
- You know I don't eat wheat.

Okay, then just the cheese! Get out!

[SCOFFS]

d*ck.

I got her in my new movie.

She gets eaten by a clown.

Ooh...

JACK: Okay. Uh... [SIGHS DEEPLY]

Monday night...

I like the Texans to win, straight up.

Money line.

Same bet?

Let's go 500, large.

You do realize they're
a nine-point underdog?

I know! I study, okay?!

I know more than you!

Okay, uh, just to be clear,

straight up to win.

You lose 500,

plus 50 grand on the vig.

Uh, no-no vig.

- Wait, hold on...
- No vig!

Are you okay with this?

Y... [COUGHS]

Yeah.

Yes.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Okay.

- [COUGHS]
- A-And if... and if you win

the big dog...

... we owe you, uh...

... $1.4 million,

give or take.

I'm good for my end, baby.

You good for yours?

[QUIETLY]: How's your sphincter?

- JACK: Hey.
- Huh?

You guys want some sneakers?

Huh?

Hey, big boy.

Get them sneakers.

[WALT CHUCKLES]

Sneakers.

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I love Jimmy Luxury ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ La-la-la, I'll see
you tomorrow in Havana ♪

♪ I-I love Jimmy Luxury. ♪