03x02 - The Emperor's New Joe/Schnitheads

[bunniefuu]

(Buzzing )

(Rattling )

♪ Rocko's modern life ♪

Rocko's modern life.

♪ Rocko's modern life ♪

Rocko's modern life.

(Whistling and buzzing )

(Splat! )

(Screaming )

♪ Rocko's modern life. ♪

Rocko's modern life.

That was a hoot!

(Shoes squeaking )

(Liquid pouring )

(People talking and laughing )

(Saxophone playing jazz )

Filburt: I'm telling you

This dream is so real.

Socks, hundreds of socks...

Smothering me with their stench

Touching me all over my body.

Wow.

Crazy, man.

(Clearing throat )

A poem... Entitled, "flies."

Flies!

(Softly ): flies.

Flies on my tongue...

So I ate them.

Flies... On the windshield.

So make an omelette.

Maggots...

Maggots in the morning

So hold your baby tight.

Maggots! Rocko?!

Hey, rocko, over here.

It's me, heffer, remember?

Hey, heff.

What's going on?

What is this place?

It's the chameleon brothers' cafe

The hippest place in town--

And I work here.

Want to see my new tattoo?

All: no!

It's okay, heff.

I'll just use my vivid imagination.

Chameleon brothers: ♪ oh, rocko! ♪

Yo, rocko.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

The world's greatest...

Ya, wakes the dead.

These guys are true java men, rocko.

They make coffee like you never tasted.

All the hip people are drinking it.

All: mmm... This coffee sure is delicious.

(Bang )

(Crackling )

(Crashing )

You got to have a cup, daddy-o.

(Bell dings )

Heads up, honey.

Here comes another tasty one.

Bottoms up.

(Coffee burbling )

(Slurping )

Tastes great, huh?

(Coughing, choking )

Yech!

Heffer!

This isn't coffee.

(Gasps )

(All gasp )

Well, but, what do you mean?

I said, "this is definitely not coffee."

Rocko, little friend.

Can we speak with you

In the back for just a minute?

Just a teensy second.

Right this way, watch your step.

Rocko, let me tell you something.

Before you pass judgement

On our coffee, rocko...

Let us give you the history behind it.

Leon and I came from a place far from o-town.

No! Wait, brother.

Use... The voice.

(Laughing )

Ah, yes, the voice.

(Clears throat )

(Knocking )

(In a silky voice ): leon and I

Came from a place far away

A place few have heard of--

A tiny, little empire known as balzac

Which lay behind the great white picket fence.

Balzac wasn't a bad place.

Servisky.

I've got it, comrades.

Oh, hit it, edwardovich!

I got it.

Y-you go get it.

You hit it last.

I'm not going out there.

He'll p-punish us.

(Arguing )

Leon: the only problem with balzac

Was the people lived in fear--

In fear of their mighty czar.

Hey, psst!

The mighty czar.

(Exploding )

A czar whose only concern

Was to keep his little country trendy.

And we were his servants.

Oh, yes, very good.

Snippy, snippy.

Just a little trim

A little off the top. Head forward!

Cunning, sire.

Oh, I think you'll like this.

Ha, ha, I know you'll like it.

Ah,ah, perfecto!perfecto!

What you think?

I... I like it.

It's really me.

Do you think I look like the picture?

You are one hip dude-y.

It's new wave.

It's... You. It's... You.

It's settled then.

Quick, give me the intercom.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Da-da-da-da!

Attention, hello.

(Feedback )

Citizens of balzac!

You'll be excited to know

That I'm instituting

A new official kingdom hairdo.

Stay tuned for further details.

The people always did as their leader wished.

(Loudspeaker static )

(Rhythmic mouth noises )

Czar: ♪ I love your butt... ♪

(Rhythmic mouth noises )

♪ I love your buns! ♪

That was this week's number one hit from london.

Cool, huh?

I hope you're all enjoying

The latest in cranberry bush wear.

This is your czar signing out.

Gosh, I hate this thing!

(Sheep bleating )

Chuck!

Leon!

We continued to satisfy

Our lord of lords' appetite for the trendiest of trends.

Day...

(Bleating )

After day....

(Sirens blaring )

After day...

(Squeaking )

After day...

(Ringing ) after day...

Until that fateful afternoon...

C-c-coffee!

I want my people to drink coffee!

There was only one problem.

Coffee, I must have my coffee.

But your roundness

There is no coffee in balzac.

I don't care.

I want coffee.

And you'll just have to go

To the dungeon until you get some.

(Metallic clanking )

Our fate seemed sealed.

I think our president of pudge

Has finally cracked.

Got any ideas, brother of mine?

We'll have to invent some way to make coffee.

Filburt: stupid, stinking socks!

Socks!

Oh, here are your clean socks, your fatness.

(Muttering ): smelly stinkies.

There.

The last one.

(Chomping noisily )

(Burps )

Oh, fish sticks!

What are you looking at?

Huh! Smelly...

Hello, little turtle-y man.

What are you doing?

I'm happily washing

The king's socks for eternity.

What does it look like?

Socks, socks, socks...

(Alarm clock rings )

Oh, hold on a second.

Time for my break.

(Bubbling )

(Timer rings )

(Slurping )

It keeps me going.

You were saying?

(General conversation )

Okay, okay!

Shut up, everybody.

Just shut up!

I've got

An importante announcemente.

My two beloved chameleon servants

Are about to provide your czarness

Balzac's first cup of coffee.

Are you ready?!

Oh, you're going to love this, sire.

It's the ultimate in designer coffee.

Fresh from the...

From the, um, uh...

Well, it's fresh

And it only tastes good to those with, uh...

Together: good taste.

Well... Bottoms up!

(Gulping )

(Mug shatters )

(Gasping )

F-f-fashionable.

The, the latest.

He's not swallowing.

The king is not hip.

The king is not trendy.

The king, he's naked!

Oops.

(Bubbling, whistling )

(Exploding )

(Gasping )

Delicious?

Crowd: hurray!

Ooh!ooh!

So the czar had his wish fulfilled...

Hee, hee.

...and the people had coffee.

All: heee.

Chuck: and, most importantly, we escaped a life in prison.

All: aw!

Leon: chuck and I fled later

After another one of the czar's requests.

Czar: chuck, leon.

Is my sausage-skin suit ready yet?

(Feet pattering )

Czar: chuck? Leon!

We arrived in the u.s.a. With the socks on our feetses.

With those socks and a few donations by heffer

We were able to create the chameleon brothers' coffee craze

Right here in o-town.

Please, rocko, give it another try

So we won't lose business.

It's all we have, rocko.

I am terribly sorry, guys.

I just can't cave in to peer pressure like that.

You see, this is not balzac.

We're in the good, old u.s.a.

You're not ruled by a czar.

A person has the right to do as they choose.

No, I will not

Follow the beaten path trampled by the masses.

As the great patriot thomas jefferson said...

"Bear in mind this sacred principle:

"That though the will of the majority

"Is in all cases to prevail

"That will, to be rightful, must be reasonable

"That the minority possesses their equal rights

Which equal laws must protect..."

Okay, okay, already, honest abe.

You don't have to drink the coffee.

Come back tomorrow and have the cheesecake.

Heffer: hey, this isn't cheesecake.

Chuck: let me tell you a little story, friend.

It starts in antarctica...

(Clearing throat )

(In a silky voice ): leon and I

Were living in england

And we said, if we could create a dessert

That combined a baked good with fresh...

(Thwacking )

And lo, the cookies did fight them.

Thus there was much squeaking and rejoicing.

Fear not the bunny.

Neither fearest thou thine own shoes

But lift up your eyes and seek out a sign of light.

Wow.

I'll have nine bratwurst supremes

And a cup of wiener nuggets.

Greetings, friend.

Does your life seem empty?

Mmm... Yeah.

Perhaps you should see the manager.

Greetings, friend.

Have a sausage.

You know, a few of us are getting together tonight

To eat some bratwurst.

Why don't you join us?

Hey, free bratwurst.

(Thinking ): hmm, free bratwurst.

Here you go, rock.

Thanks for dinner.

Heff, is that a sausage in your pocket?

Oh, yeah.

I wrote the address to a party on it.

You want to go?

No, I better wash these

Before this mold gets the upper hand.

(Growling )

You go, unless you want to help me with the dishes.

I think you're losing touch

With what's really important in life.

(Squelch )

There's more to life

Than just encrusted macaroni and cheese.

You should come out and experience the wonder

Of the world with me.

Nah!

(Yelping )

Hey, we can't all go out

And search for the meaning of life.

Okay, I'll go on my own then.

Welcome, friend.

We've been expecting you.

And I said, "bratwurst? Why, this is knockwurst."

(Both guffawing )

Heffer: ooh, waiter.

(Gulps )

Wow, what a spread.

Sausage wellington.

Fillet of bratwurst under glass.

Paprika-sprinkled mini links under a piece of wood.

Weenies a la metronome.

Well, you having fun, big guy?

Hey, they're playing bobbing for sausage over there.

Go on, give it a try.

Okay.

(Gurgling )

Way to go.

(Cheering )

Ooh!

Let me try.

(Gurgling )

We're glad you had a good time.

Say, brother, why don't you join me tomorrow morning

And spread the good word of schnitzel?

You bet.

Got to get to them early, brother.

You get to see them in their jammies.

Yeah, hello, sir.

Have you had your sausage yet today?

(Growling )

Have a nice day.

(Sputtering )

(Yawning and grunting )

Well, I wonder if heff's found the meaning of life yet.

He'll probably say something like

(Imitating heffer ): "hey, rocko, life's a big shiny sausage."

(Cackles )

Heffer, this is where we spread

Our joy to the masses.

You ever been on tv, brother?

Me? No way.

Duck: well, here's your chance.

We're still quite short of our goal.

So call in those pledges.

Our operator is standing by.

Director: go to camera two.

Camera three.

And for the kiddies:

Heffer: hi, kids, I'm mr. Sausage.

Hi, I'm mr. Sausage, too.

Duck (whispers ): say something about the schnitzel.

What?

Sell the sausage!

Oh, yeah.

Have a sausage, won't you?

What the blazes?!

Heff on tv?

Playing with sausage?

Oh, yeah, I dare you.

Okay.

(Gulps )

(Laughs )

You sure look funny with no head.

We're off the air, brother.

Oh.

You have a great talent.

You should come with me.

(Munching )

Wow.

This must be the second happiest place on earth.

(Phone rings )

Rocko: hello.

What?!

No, I didn't tell heff to join that schnitzel crowd.

Yes, I will, mrs. Wolf.

Calm down, I'll bring him home.

Blimey.

Just twist and pull.

Now you do it.

Twist and pull.

(Laughing )

(Clock strikes )

(Weakly ): come and get it.

(Coughing )

What are we having today?

Dirt.

Oh.

Just kidding. (Snorts )

It's powdered sausage.

Just add water.

Cool.

(Strikes the hour )

(Squeaking )

(All munching and gulping )

Hmm... Sausage again?

(Gulps )

(Clock strikes the hour )

(Munching and gulping )

(Sniffing )

(All gasping )

Pizza.

I was getting a little tired of sausage

So I ordered out.

Want some?

We don't eat pizza here, brother.

We don't get tired of sausage.

Welove sausage!

If you don't love sausage as much as we do

You can go plough the sauerkraut field, then!

(Door slams )

♪ I got them mean old sausage blues... ♪

(Tires screeching )

What, what is it?

I'd like to see heffer, please.

Uh...

No, you can't see him.

Why not?

Because.

Because why?

Because he's working the fields, man.

Nobody can see that cow no more.

Now get out of here.

Rocko: some friend

I turned out to be.

Heff's a c*ptive of the sausage people

And it's all my fault.

There, there.

It could happen to anyone.

Sausages are very seductive.

If only there was a way.

There's a way.

(Both groaning )

(Banging )

Who is it?

Filburt (through loudspeaker ): it is I

The benevolent bratwurst.

Open these gates or I shall destroy you.

Oh.

Fair enough.

Hear me. (Crowd screaming )

You there.

Bow before me.

What is your wish, o great one?

Uh...

Bring me the cow.

(Hissing )

How was that, rocko?

Great, filburt, keep it up.

Now, I say.

No, not that.

Don't feel me to that thing!

Hey, what are you...

(Screaming )

Whoops.

What the...?

Oh, boy.

Fakes! Persecute the unbelievers!

How's it going, filburt?

(Yells, punches flying )

Are they still buying it?

Filburt?

Duck: woe unto you

Kangaroo boy.

Why are you dressed like weenies?

These are our ceremonial bowling robes, deceiver.

We're bowling for sinners today.

You can't chuck bowling balls at us.

We can; it says so inthe book of bratwurst.

"If there be one among you

"Who doest not follow the way of the schnitzel

Let that one go and do not throw bowling balls at them."

Well, then, see.

It says let us go.

It's a matter of interpretation.

Ready?

Aim!

(Loud thud )

(All screaming )

I am the most supreme and mighty king of wieners.

What?

What is thy will, my most scary wiener?

I have come to take my faithful servants home.

(All cheering )

So, come on, kids.

And now, away.

Bombs away.

(Followers screaming )

Whoops.

(Glass shattering )

Hey, everybody

It's me, really really big man.

What the blazes are you doing here?

I was at mardi gras, where I was crowned king wienie

When I saw in my nippers of the future

The trouble you would have.

I don't understand, big man.

I didn't think you would.

Well, see you later.

Well, heff, I hope

You learned something from all this.

I sure did.

All that's shiny is not sausage.

Or something.