01x04 - Saving Mrs. Beady/The Farmer Takes a Woman

[bunniefuu]

Man: I'm just heading to the fields, duke, I'll be back.

[Sheep bleat]

Clear!

[♪...]

All right!

Rat-abunga!

Man: ♪ from the haystacks up to the hilltops ♪

♪ We go on dancing...

[Animals cheering]

♪ ...through the night

Ow, ow, ok, ow.

Ow!

Whoo!

♪ Do-si-do your partner, now

♪ Gonna party now till the morning light ♪

♪ Do-si-do and don't you know ♪

♪ It's just the way we animals roll. ♪

Ha-ha!

[♪...]

[♪...]

Otis: all right, abby, you ready for your first driving lesson?

Abby: I sure am.

Good, now the most important thing you want to remember-

What's this button do?

Well, those are the windshield wipers.

Oh, what's this? [Horn honks]

Shh, mrs. Beady will hear you.

Can you crank the a/c, my thighs are sticking to the seat.

Hey, what if I punch this real hard?

Otis: don't-

Fred: augh, the car's inflating its giant stink-sac.

Peck: hang on, I got it.

[Popping noise]

[Engine revs up]

Ok, otis, she's hotwired and ready to go.

Otis: nice job, buddy.

All right, abby.

Now put her in reverse and give her some gas.

You got it, I'll try not to hit mrs. Beady.

See, that's great, you're already thinking defensively

That's the first sign of a good-

Mrs. Beady?

[Overlapping conversation]

Otis: oh, ok, my face is not a seat.

[Stammers]

Huh, the car's been on all night.

I guess nathan's never heard of "global warming"

Mr. I-could-replace-him with-a-couch, that's what I should do.

And where did he get this bobble-head doll?

Oh, [chuckles], ridiculous.

Well, what was he doing in here, anyway?

[Sniffs] oh, it smells like a barn.

[Sneezes]

Bless you.

Oh, thank you, i-

[Gasps]

Uh...

[Screams]

Whoa, drive straight, watch the road.

[Screams]

No, not me, the road.

[Mrs. Beady screams]

Oh, whoa...

Looking for the horn, it's right here.

[Horn honks, everyone screams]

I can't look, look out!

[Crashing noise]

[Screaming]

[Siren wails]

Mrs. Beady: officer, thank goodness you're here.

All right, hands in the air, speed racer.

But this wasn't my fault.

It was the talking barn animals.

Just calm down, sir.

Yeah, gertie, I got another guest for the hoo-hoo house.

Yeah, [chuckles], real bag of pistachios.

Ok, lady, let's you and me take a little trip.

I'm telling you there were barn animals in my back seat.

Yeah, yeah, tell everything to the nice ice cream men.

What, I don't like ice cream.

Take your strong, firm hands off me, I want a lawyer.

[Engine revs up and siren wails]

Everyone: ♪ good riddance, mrs. Beady ♪

♪ Good riddance, mrs. Beady

♪ Good riddance, mrs. Beady...

♪ You nosy, meddlesome crank

[Cheering]

This is one sweet deal.

We get some much-needed us time

And mrs. Beady gets to make macaroni bracelets at camp drools-a-lot.

[Laughter]

Oh, sure, if she doesn't mind the straitjackets, the padded cells

The burly nurses force-feeding you applesauce.

What, freddy, what are you talking about?

Don't get me started about the shock therapy.

Buzz-ding, buzz-ding, soup's on.

Ah, stop, what do you mean shock therapy, why would anyone do that to her?

Otis, she said talking animals crashed her car.

That sounds crazy to me, and I'm a talking animal.

Buzz-ding.

This is awful and it's all our fault.

Mrs. Beady may be annoying, but she's still our friend.

Neighbor, well, lady, all right, organism.

Anyway, it doesn't matter, we are breaking her out of camp hoo-hoo.

All right, after we eat the cake.

[Cheering]

That's what I'm talking about, buddy.

Mrs. Beady: level with me, doc.

I'm as loopy as a goony bird, aren't i?

[Doctor laughs] don't be ridiculous.

You have a simple case of nervous brain.

You'll be a sane as I am after listening to my new cd

"Ernst furtwangler sings noises of the rainforest."

[Gasps]

I'll be right back with your papers so you can go home.

Cd: uh-oh, it looks like rain, ja?

Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter.

It's raining, I gotta get everything inside.

Otis: my eye, you're standing in my eye.

I should be higher up.

There she is, they knocked her out to stop her crazy babbling.

Ow-ow-ow-ow...

Pig: hey, freddy, this place isn't that bad.

I mean, look, there's fresh fruit and tvs in every room.

Freddy: oh, sure, first, they soften you up.

Then zap, they screw you in to a light socket and use you to read by.

Buzz-ding.

Cd: oh, look, a gentle, babbling brook.

Babble-babble, babble-babble, babble-babble.

Nervous, [laughs], that's all I am.

I just need to cut down on my diet sodas and my hard candy.

I'm just nervous.

Wait a minute, you're not aunt mabel.

[Galloping sound]

Ok, guys, just grab a handful of her and lift.

[Screams]

Quick, everyone act casual.

[Whistling innocently]

Oh!

You're not, you're not real, you're a figment of my imagination.

Look, my hand'll pass right through you.

Well, this is awkward.

[Screams]

Shh...

Help, help, help...

In there.

[General conversation]

What's going on in here?

The talking animals, they're hiding in the closet.

What, my dear lady, there's nothing in here but coat hangers, see?

[Screams]

It's worse than I thought.

She doesn't have nervous brain at all, she has crazy brain.

We must operate immediately.

Mrs. Beady: you cannot take me, I need to sign some-, my medical...

[Screams]

You guys hear that?

They're gonna cut her open like a sausage.

None of this would have happened if it weren't for my driving lesson.

Hey, what's this do?

We gotta stop that operation, guys.

Freddy, peck, stall the doctor.

[Strained:] ok.

The rest of you, come with me. Everybody: right.

Be right there, otis.

Boy, it is amazing what they throw out in these places.

Whoa.

Stall the doctor, stall the doctor...

Plenty of animals talk-

Intercom: dr. Furtwangler, line nine, dr. Furtwangler, line nine.

Hello?

Dr. Furtwangler, uh

Lovely weather we're having. [Laughs nervously]

Lovely weather?

Look, I'm very busy.

Do you have an urgent psychological problem or what?

Psychologic- no, no, not that I know of.

[Muffled grunting]

Oh, unless you count my constant craving to eat my best friend.

Furtwangler: zowie, eat your friend?

You are a sick, little puppy.

Now tell me when it all started.

Otis: doctor's lounge, huh?

You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Yep, they might have cottage cheese for my cantaloupe.

Man: excuse me, can I help you with-

[Crashing and thudding noises]

Now to blend in seamlessly.

There she is, just grab her, and let's get out of here.

Intercom: dr. Furtwangler?

Ah, voices.

Love the animal-themed scrubs.

My students and I are ready to observe your crazy-brain operation.

Observe my, wha-, uh, yeah

I mean, yes, of course, observe away.

We're just about to begin. [Laughs nervously]

Oh, yeah, sweet.

Let's start cutting.

Stay calm, nora.

Just clench your fists at odd intervals.

Everything's gonna be fine, these are trained medical professionals.

We're here to spring you, play along and you'll be home by sundown.

[Screams]

Uh, dr. Porker, anesthetize the patient, stat.

Oh, look, a cute little puppy.

Crowd: where?

Uh, he got hit by a car.

And so ever since I can remember, I've wanted to eat him.

Oh, doc, you're right, I'm sick.

Well, you nutty, little cannibal.

This is a very tricky case, I'll have you know.

Lucky for you, I'm a genius.

The root cause of your problem is...

[Gasps] I'm free, I'm free-

Tell me, doc, tell me why I'm like this.

Almost done extracting this woman's brain from her delicate skull.

And behold.

Hey-hey-hey, I was gonna eat that.

Whoa, hot brain.

Give me it. Got it.

I'm open, I'm open.

Go long. [Cheering]

Touchdown.

[Cheering]

All right, excellent.

Now that the brain has been properly stimulated...

Uh, where am i?

Uh, oh, look, a dinosaur.

Crowd: where?

Oh, hit by a car again.

Now to replace the brain.

Carefully, care... Gently.

Just sliding it in...

[Flatline beeps]

Doctor, we're losing her.

No!

Live, live, I tell you, live!

Oops, uh, [chuckles], false alarm, just the microwave.

Who wants pizza-tots?

Done.

The operation was a complete success.

[Applause]

Man: brilliant work, doctor.

Now we just have one question.

Why do you have a rat on your head?

Right, good question, good.

Um, you see, the rat absorbs the moisture- run!

[Screams]

So what you're saying is my mother only liked me as a friend.

Oh, it's true, it's true.

Free again. [Cries]

While I've got you on the line, do you treat sports injuries?

[Both scream]

Hello, hello?

Are you still there?

Thanks, doc, you're a life saver.

Oh, it was my pleasure, I'm glad you-

[Screams] talking ferret?

Go to the rain forest, pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter.

Excuse me, doctor. [Neighs]

I'm your :.

[Screams]

Well, this day turned out to be all smiley.

Abby got some driving experience.

We helped a crazy person escape from a hospital.

And now I'm licensed by the county to practice brain surgery.

And I think we've all learned to appreciate mrs. Beady just a little bit more.

Furtwangler on cd: uh-oh, it looks like rain, ja?

That doctor is a genius.

I haven't seen a single, talking animal since I've been home.

The refrigerator magnets are giving me a hard time, but-

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, who could that be?

Oh, isn't that nice?

Try the cheese log, it's cheddar-riffic.

Well, thank you, i-

[Screams]

[♪...]

Saturday night dance part-ay....

[Cheering]

Get your groove moving, people.

The shakin' don't stop till there's butter in my udders.

Hey, everyone, watch me bust this move.

[Cracking noise]

Things... Are broken.

Hey, bessy, can I teach you the dance of love?

Is one of the steps my hoof on your neck?

'Cause there's a dance I could really enjoy.

Oh, sh*t down.

Achieving maximum funk velocity

In three... Two...

Farmer's coming.

What, again with this?

Ok, barn mode, people, stat.

All clear.

Good work, people.

Except for that disco anvil.

Otis: oh, milk me.

I got it.

I'm ok.

[Clucking]

[Sighs]

This is the third saturday night in a row, what gives?

Check it out, I won't even peek.

First, the picture of his wife.

[Sniffles]

Then the whittling stick.

And cue the sad cowboy music.

Radio: ♪ there's an open sky above... ♪

...not gonna cry.

Yes, I am. [Cries]

Aw, he really misses his wife.

Guys, unless we want to spend our saturday nights

Cruising the lonely streets of cry-town

We gotta find this guy a lady.

[Cries loudly]

[Whispers:] follow me.

All right, all right, make this fast, everyone, you shouldn't even be in here.

Here we go, "lonely be gone online dating."

"Gloomy farmer seeks anyone with pulse."

All right, that could probably use some punching up.

Tell 'em he's rich.

The ladies love the cheddar.

Good, ok, "rich farmer."

And he's gotta be brawny.

"Rich, beefcake-y farmer."

Yeah, but don't say farmer, say, uh, "exploding lion tamer."

More beefcake, ooh, ooh, and say he has a pony.

"Has a pony."

Ok, let me read it back to you.

[Speaks in gibberish]

Seven, number sign, glarb.

Man, I wish we had fingers.

Let me do it.

There, what do you think?

"Wealthy, agricultural mogul with body of a teutonic god

Wants to share his heart with you."

Nice. Genius.

And now a recent photo.

Works for me.

All right, and...

It's away...

I can't believe no one's responded yet.

Now, now, otis, you can't expect a miracle to just zoom up out of nowhere.

[Tires screech]

[♪...]

You can't expect a plate of boneless chicken to just drop out of nowhere.

I'm waiting.

Darling, you're even more handsome in person.

Exactly the kind of man that i, ivana sugardadsky, have been waiting for.

Mm... [Kiss]

Oh, you the exterminator?

[Laughs]

Such a sparkling sense of humor.

Come, join me on a romantic car ride to begin our verdant courtship of destiny.

Okey-doke.

Yes.

Still waiting.

Ivana: oh, you flatter me.

Check it out, that's the sixth night in a row they've been out together.

And you know what that means.

Their next date is free with the purchase of a large soda?

No, it means that the saturday night party train is pulling back into the station.

All aboard...

[Cheering]

♪ Otis wants to par-tay

♪ Abby likes to par-tay

♪ Piggy is so pork-kay

♪ Ferret, he likes satay

[♪...]

They're-they're-they're coming this way.

[Freddy screams]

Farmer: something you wanted to show me, lamb-cakes?

I hate to be a nudge, darling.

But a woman needs a space to call her own, so...

[Screams]

That's where we put the walk-in closet.

[Screams]

There's where we put the jacuzzi.

Makeup table.

Massage lounge.

Indoor waterfall.

But if I give you the barn, where will I put my animals?

Darling, I have the perfect place for your adorable beasties.

Gotta say, not crazy about the new digs.

Otis: I don't mind it, actually, it'll give us a chance to really get to know each other.

Like the various meats of a hoagie.

I don't want to know anyone like I'm knowing pig right now.

Pig: hey, bessy, does that look like a rash?

Would you mind scratching my-

Whatever it is, no.

Hey, you guys know I hate being alone.

Move over.

[General conversation]

[Wood snaps]

That's not a good sound.

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

All right, that's it.

That perfumed pain in the butt has got to go.

Whoa, whoa, come on, guys, guys, let's not be hasty about this.

Hasty?

Otis, she's filling up our barn with frilly girl stuff. [Burps]

Look, I don't like ivana any more than you do.

But the farmer, you know, he just seems so happy now.

Do we really want to destroy his one chance at true love?

Ivana: hang on a sec', I'm getting a signal near these stinking animals.

[Growls]

Yeah, that chump farmer's like putty in my hands.

Now all I gotta do is rob him blind and kick him to the curb.

Oh, she's so going down.

Ok, what brought that gold-digger here, hmm?

Your plan.

No, not my plan, money.

So how do we get her out?

Ooh, phony phone calls?

Or we fix her up with someone she thinks is even richer.

Where are we gonna find a fellow like that?

May I present to you signore gino batchagaloop.

He looks like a pig in a suit.

Peck...

Everyone: amazing, holy, wow...

Who is that?

I don't know, otis.

You really think I can pull this off?

Of course, just remember

You own a billion-dollar shipping empire.

And your accent, she's a-way over the top-ah.

Now you go, you go, you go.

[Clears throat]

Ah, bon jovi, señorina.

Hey, how do you like-a the suit?

I'm-a owner billion-a dollar shipping empires and, uh

I'm-a see you passing-a by

And I say to myself, "hey, I'm-a gonna make her mine." [Chuckles]

So what do you thinking?

Did you say billion-dollar? [Cash register rings]

[Yawns]

[Eats noisily]

Hey.

[Sucks and eats noisily]

[Chuckles] that's-a mine.

Farmer: lamb-cakes?

Still waiting on that massage you promised.

Oh, well, I'll give her two more days.

Maybe more.

Otis: all right, buddy, you're doing great.

Now tomorrow, you tell her you're taking her on a cruise to pastafazoolistan.

She gets on board, you don't, and it's sayonara, she-witch.

Ok, otis, but shouldn't I lead her on a little while longer?

Longer, what, how much longer, how much time do you need?

I don't know, you know, eight months?

Just to really seal the deal, what do you think?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I don't believe it, you've fallen in love with her.

Fallen in love?

[Laughs] are you kidding, you're kidding, right?

Oh, do you honestly think in a million years I could ever

[Cries] yes.

It's true.

I love her.

Pig?

I can't help it.

She's the most captivating woman I've ever met.

She's the only woman you've ever met.

I know, but she's the one, otis.

I knew it the moment I saw her eat a five-pound steak in four chews.

Wow, what a babe.

Pig, let me explain the problem with this relationship as I see it.

How do I put this delicately?

Oh, yes, you're a pig!

Now can we please get back to reality here?!

Oh, well, I suppose you're right.

Now take this ticket and go do what's best for the barnyard.

I'll do it.

I'll do it for the barnyard.

Of course I will travel with you to pastafazoolistan, darling.

Just tell me when to be on the boat.

I'm a talking pig, and I love you.

What?

Ivana, my treasure

I can't go on with the lies and deceit.

I'm not rich, I'm just a simple, barnyard pig.

And I am so much in love with you.

I can't believe this.

You're not rich?!

Of all the no-good, dirty double-crosser...

[Otis clears throat]

Otis: drop the pig.

We're on to you, "lamb-cakes."

No one hurts the farmer while we're around.

Well, then I guess I gotta make sure you're not around.

Darling...

What's wrong, lamb-cakes?

Your animals, they're so cruel to me.

Either those horrible, smelly creatures go, or I do.

[Grunts]

Ivana: I knew you would make the right choice.

What are you doing?

My animals are my family, woman.

Fine, I'll just find some other sucker.

And let me tell you somethin' else.

You have really let your body go.

Good-bye.

Good cow.

Otis: all right, people, let's get this party start-

[Pig cries]

Oh, ivana.

I'll never love again.

Never, never, never, never.

Uh, pig, is this gonna be a problem?

One second, buddy.

[Cries]

Ivana...

Ok, I'm good.

All right, party people, whoo-hoo...

[Music plays, animals cheer]

Abby: you did the right thing, otis.

I just wish the farmer weren't gonna be lonely again.

Uh, I have a feeling the farmer's gonna be just fine.

[Foghorn sounds]

[Women laugh]

[Laughs] you liked that, didn't you?

That's how the farmer rolls.

[♪...]