02x01 - Wild Mike's Dance Party/Buyers Beware

[bunniefuu]

I'm just heading to the fields, duke.

I'll be back.

[Engine rumbling]

Clear!

[Rocking square dance music]

All right!

♪

Ratabunga.

♪ From the haystacks

♪ Up to the hilltops

♪ We're going dancing...

Whoo-hoo!

Ow. Ow.

Okay. Ow. Ow!

♪ Do-si-do your partner now

♪ There's a party till the morning light ♪

♪ Do-si-do

♪ And don't you know

♪ It's just the way we animals roll ♪

[Motorcycle revving]

Ha-ha!

[Rollicking instrumental music]

♪

Welcome, everyone,

To our very first meeting of the barnyard book club.

Now, did y'all get a chance

To read I know why the caged cat sprays?

I sure did. Me too.

Read it? I devoured it.

Good chapter.

How about you, otis?

Yeah, the book, yeah, it was great,

All the pages and stuff.

Is this gonna take long?

'Cause it's saturday night,

And generally, that is my night for--

Not having a book club? Exactly.

Otis, you told me I could use the saloon

For my book club meeting tonight.

You know, it's weird, you keep saying that,

But I don't have any memory of it.

It was just last week.

You'd just broken your personal record for--

All: , , .

[All cheering]

Hey, otis, can I use the saloon for a book club?

[Grunts] thanks.

Remember now?

I had a lot of eggs in my mouth.

You got that right.

Yeah, okay, who wants to start?

I'd like to explore

The symbolism of hiking boots in chapter seven.

Yes, that was exquisite. Chapter seven was delicious.

[Grunts]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Moans]

Hey, pip, I have an idea. I love it already.

Now, what'd y'all think of the ending?

Oh, oh, oh. I didn't read it.

Then why'd you put your hand up?

Well, I like to participate. Is this gonna be on the test?

You know, what's interesting is how

The author uses words to paint pictures.

Good, peck, good.

I find the best writers can really make words

Come to life and dance on the page.

Will that be on the test?

There's no test, freddy.

Would anyone else like to talk?

Oh, I would. Otis.

I think you're all missing the point of the book.

Clearly the bologna forest in chapter eleventy

Symbolizes the eternal struggle of man versus nature.

Wild mike dance party!

[Driving electronic music]

♪

Oh, feet tapping. Booty shaking.

Funk levels surging.

Can't resist partying.

Must talk like this!

Three-- two--

One.

[All cheering]

Bessy, what is that thing?

Wild mike? Some mutant hairball otis found.

He lets him out

Whenever he wants to get a party started fast.

If I don't feel like dancing,

No hairy freak of nature is gonna force me to--

To--to--

You were saying?

Party!

[All cheering]

[All moaning]

That was something.

I think I lost a belt size.

Anyone have any nougat?

Why'd you do it, otis? Why?

I had to.

I've seen too many good barns destroyed by book clubs

To let it happen here.

Besides, mike needed the exercise.

Hey, where is wild mike anyway?

Oh, he's around, hopping around somewhere,

The nutty little fun ball.

Otis, there's a tuft of his hair on the windowsill.

Wild mike must have accidentally danced himself out the window.

That's not good. He can't survive in the wild.

He doesn't even have a face.

Relax, he only moves when he hears music,

So he couldn't have gotten far.

Come on.

Wild mike! Here, boy!

Wild mike! Here, mikey, mikey, mikey!

Here, boy, or whatever!

Maybe he speaks porpoise.

[Clears throat]

[Chattering]

Hey, there he is.

[Whispering] good.

Let's sneak up gently so we don't startle him.

Gently, ever so gently.

Almost got him.

♪ And I got wheels of a grade "a" truck ♪

♪ Cruising down the highway just to make the buck ♪

♪ I got my windows down and the c.b. On ♪

Grab him before he follows the music.

♪ He's a trucker man ♪ I'm going

[Engine rumbling]

♪

Oh, no. Guys, we got to catch him.

Come on!

[Engine rumbling]

Stay on him, otis. Don't lose him.

You're catching up. Faster, otis.

I'm faster-ing.

Okay, you got him. Now put on your siren.

What makes you think I have a siren?

Ooh, I'm on it.

♪ He's a trucker man

[Chattering]

Porpoise police! Turn your music off!

My what? Turn your music off!

Okay.

[Music stops]

Go, go, go, go. Get him, pip.

Almost got him.

[Rowdy rock music]

Whoa! Whoa! What is it?

Oh! Get it off me! Get it off me!

Otis, we lost him!

What? Oh, milk me.

You're free to go. Stay in school.

Live long and prosper.

[Engine roaring]

Whoa!

Whoa!

Got ya! [Screaming]

Problem solved.

[Light instrumental music]

Huh?

Oh, I hate action sequences.

[Tires squealing]

Don't let him get away. You got him this time.

I want ice cream.

Almost got him.

[Upbeat polka music]

[Laughing]

Huh. Weird. Yeah.

Very unexpected. Not on my radar.

Meanwhile, in a completely different location

From the one we were just in...

I'm so bored.

[All moaning]

I'm too bored to cry.

Come on, now. Come on.

Where's the energy?

This is american bandstand,

Not american stand around like a bunch of bored snails.

Meanwhile, on the set

Of american stand around like a bunch of bored snails...

Returning to the set we were at seconds before...

This show's ratings are in the goggley chute.

I've got to get these flappity kids grooving again,

But floppity how?

[Upbeat polka music]

Whew, that's enough squeeze-boxing for one day.

Crash!

[All scream] what is it?

[Upbeat rock music]

♪

I can't...not...dance.

Rhythm contagious.

What's happening?

Want me to call security?

No, wait.

Let him dance.

Whoa, look at him go. He can really dance.

Hey, everyone, do the hairball.

[All laughing]

I don't know what floppity thing that is,

But he's taking us on a one-way rocket trip to planet ratings!

How could I let this happen?

I mean, I'm supposed to look out for him.

He's like the hairy, freakish,

Invertebrate little brother I never had.

It's not your fault, otis.

Like it says in this month's book,

"The heart is a moldy cheese that sweats compassion upon--"

Hey, guys, look what I have.

It's a dvd featuring the new dance craze

That's sweeping the nation.

[Upbeat rock music]

Come on, everybody, do the hairball.

Ooh, yeah. Ho. Ooh. Ugh.

Hey, otis, check out the tv.

Pip, how can you watch tv

Knowing wild mike's lying in a gutter somewhere

Or being experimented on or--

Or dancing on this show. Or dancing on this--whaa?

Pip, freeze frame, zoom in on that platform,

And enhance the image %.

Right. What?

Press that little red button. Oh.

It's wild mike. It is him.

What do you know? I can't believe it.

See, otis, you were worried about him for nothing.

For nothing? Look at him shed!

They're dancing him into the ground.

Come on, guys, we got to save him.

Two seconds later...

Yeah. You got it.

Let's do it.

Huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you kids in the show?

Are we in the show?

We're the solid barnyard dancers.

Come on, fellow teens,

Let's show him some of our fresh-diggity moves.

[Hooting] and turn and turn and turn.

Bust a move.

Get him!

[Upbeat rock music]

♪

All right, let's just grab wild mike and get out of here.

Try to blend in.

What the crumpets?

Those are the most hideous teens I've ever seen.

Security, we've got ugly kids. Repeat, we've got ugly kids.

Wild mike, it's me, otis.

We're busting you out of here, buddy.

[Gasps] those fiends!

There's only one thing to do.

Abby, freddy, peck, stall the guard.

Pip and pig, play this disc.

It's wild mike's favorite.

Right, come on, pig.

[All yelling at once]

[Music stops]

[Rollicking square dance music]

Dude, look at that little guy go.

'Ello, this new number's rather peppy.

Yeah, I quite like it.

That backbeat's really infectious.

I was thinking the same thing.

Shall we get our freak on? Do let's.

[Both squishing]

Hey, ugly kid, get your mitts off me fur ball.

Guys, faster!

[Tempo increases]

Even faster! Otis, are you sure?

Just do it, man!

[Tempo increases]

♪ It's a party and it's pumping ♪

♪ Got to get your hands a-clapping ♪

♪ Get your feet all crazy stomping ♪

[All gasp]

♪ Got to get your hands a-clapping ♪

♪ Get your feet all crazy stomping ♪

♪ Oh

[All grunting]

Got him. Let's get out of here.

[Laughing]

Freddy. [Screams]

[Upbeat dance music]

♪

Okay, the fur is in the box. k*ll the tunes.

[Music stops]

There you go, buddy.

No one's ever gonna chain you up again.

Oh, cute little guy.

He thinks he's people.

I got to admit, otis,

The little critter's growing on me.

Abby, you don't have to lock the door.

Wild mike's safe as long as he's inside his box.

Oh, I'm not locking the door for wild mike.

I just don't want anyone leaving tonight's book club.

Tonight's book, the scarlet casaba melon.

[Screams]

Four hours later...

[Screaming]

[Upbeat banjo music]

♪

[All grunting]

Come on, guys, pull.

We're pulling. My hoofs are getting sweaty.

I'm losing it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, losing it.

[All grunting]

Don't quit now. You can do it.

Come on, guys,

No third lateral bicuspid is gonna push us around.

Now pull!

[Screams]

Crash!

Freddy! Freddy, you okay?

You got it.

Now, about my kidney stone--

Oh, no, way. Forget it, man.

Oh, come on. Let's give it a try.

No, pig. Farmer!

[Singing softly]

♪ Starry-eyed lady making me crazy ♪

Whew, sign hammering's hard work.

Well, off to buy supplies.

What's it say? Hold on.

Let me put on my glasses.

Dude, you can't read.

Oh, can't i?

[Clears throat]

"Glibbity-glob. Furgledy snibbity boot."

Ha, in your face!

Guys, it says "welcome buyers."

Clearly, the farmer wishes

To receive units of monetary currency

In exchange for a good or item currently in his possession.

In this case, the farm.

Oh, that makes sense.

Three seconds later...

[All gasp]

Everybody panic! What will become of us?

What if the new owners make us work as pack animals?

What if they eat us?

What if they make us fight each other

In gladiatorial combat?

Otis, what are we gonna do?

Hey, we can go live with my cousin benny.

Doesn't he live in antarctica?

[All shivering]

Guys, the sun's coming up.

[All cheer]

[All moan]

Look, no one's moving to the arctic.

But what are we gonna do when the buyers show up?

Don't worry,

We're gonna make the idea of living here so unappealing,

Those buyers will run screaming and never come back,

And here's how we do it.

[Whispering]

Why are your plans always so quiet?

[Yelling] because this volume's very annoying!

Okay, everyone ready to scare away those buyers?

[Gasps] your lounge singer costume is terrifying.

I'm not a lounge singer.

Oh, are you a circus ringmaster?

Or a late-night tv mattress salesman?

I got it.

You're a rich dolphin trainer with a troubled past.

Oh, for--i'm supposed to be a real estate agent.

All: oh.

Can you train dolphins? Car!

This must be the place.

Well, it's a pretty great place I think--

Hello, folks.

d*ck human, d*ck human real estate.

If you want real estate and you're a human,

Then I'm your cow.

Man! Oh, I'm a man.

[Laughs] let it go.

So, you must be the buyers.

Yep, well, that's us. We're looking for--

Your forever home.

The place you want to raise your things.

Well, look no further. This place has it all,

Walls, floors, doors, and the sweet scent of jasmine

Wafting over the parapets.

Yes, it's very nice, but we-- wanted to move in today?

This is so sudden.

Well, I did have other people coming by, but what the heck?

d*ck human likes your face. Sold.

I'll get the paperwork.

Yoo-hoo!

Well, what a pleasant unrehearsed surprise.

Folks, I'd like you to meet

Your uncomfortably friendly neighbors,

Mr. And mrs. Shouty-yells-a-lot-ston.

Yeah, how you doing?

I don't know your name,

So I'll just call you herb, okay, bill?

Oh, my gosh! I love your hair!

What conditioner do you use?

Slurp!

We don't work, and we're very lonely,

But we're friendly, so we'll be over all the time!

I just know we'll be best friends!

This is my pet mouse!

[Screams]

Get it out! Get it out!

I hate mice!

That's too bad! We breed 'em!

Yeah, we also like to wrestle!

Think fast!

[Yelling]

Come back here! Thanks for stopping by!

Can I put you in our email list?

d*ck humans, number in the tri-state area.

[Tires squealing]

[All laughing]

Dude, that was awesome.

Wow, otis, this plan just might work!

Okay, they're gone now, abby. You can drop the act.

Okay! What's he talking about?

We got more buyers.

Not for long.

Prepare to execute plan j.

But the att*ck zeppelin isn't ready yet.

Freddy, that's plan f-omega.

Oh.

[Car honks]

Kids, we're here.

Hooray! Yay!

What a quaint little farm. Well--

Howdy, folks.

d*ck human, d*ck human real estate,

Cow-free since '.

Hello, we're the buyers.

And what a great time to buy it is.

Why, these things must be your adorable offspring.

Hey, kids, you like nature? Both: no.

Me too.

That's why you're gonna love

Playing in this beautiful outdoor setting

This property has to offer.

Behold.

[Gasps]

[All gasp]

Takes your breath away, don't it?

No, seriously, it does. Try not to breathe.

I can't believe anyone would live like this.

"Is that radioactive waste?"

Yes, but once we sink it into the pond,

You'll hardly notice it.

Hey, look, an adorable woodland fawn.

All: ah.

[Coughs]

[Retching]

What's happening?

Is he okay?

He'll be fine.

[Retching]

[Screaming]

[All screaming]

[Lasers blasting]

[expl*si*n]

[All screaming]

Wait, no, please, come back. Toxic radiation is temporary.

It'll be fine in , years.

[All laughing]

Bye-bye.

So long.

Freddy, that was amazing.

I mean, I knew about the head popping thing,

But how'd you pull off the laser eyes?

Well, I wanted my performance to be believable,

So I went online and bought some real radioactive waste.

Ah, that's good waste.

Hello, I'm dr. Pig.

What you just saw was a fictionalized account

Intended to inspire humor.

Drinking atomic waste will not give you

Super heat laser vision.

Watch as I dispel this common myth.

You see-- [grunting]

[Yelling]

Why army always hound pig?

Pig smash!

Pig smash you all!

[Roars]

The producers of barnyard would like to apologize

For the previous scene.

Drinking atomic waste will neither give you

Heat laser vision

Nor turn you into a hulking pig monster

As I will now demonstrate.

[Gulping]

Oh, no, what's happening? I'm shrinking.

[In a high-pitched voice] oh, why did I drink

That atomic waste?

I never got to see paris. [Screams]

[High-pitched tone]

Old lady on a scooter at two o'clock.

Oh, one of those old lady buyers.

They're easy to scare.

This shall be my greatest triumph yet.

Good afternoon, old one. Let me guess, you're a buyer.

Why, yes, I am, young fella.

Fantastic. Hey, have a good look around.

Just, whatever you do, don't go in the barn!

What are you talking about?

Well, it's quite silly, really.

I mean, hardly worth mentioning, but I will anyway.

You see, the barn has a teeny, tiny portal to the underworld!

[All moaning]

Be gone. Get out.

No shoes, no service.

Oh, I'm not afraid of the underworld.

Well, I don't blame you for wanting to skedaddle--

Whaa?

Oh, well, um, did I mention this place is infested with zombies?

[Moaning]

Oh, dear, they're more afraid of us than we are of them.

All: aw.

Is that an earthquake?

Really gets the blood flowing.

Four hours later...

We have locusts. Mmm.

Them's good eating.

Why would she eat the--

That's it. I'm a talking cow.

Oh, well, we're all special in our own way.

Ah, I give up. You win.

The place is yours. Here, take the keys.

Ah, keys, my one true fear!

Make it stop! Make it stop!

[Engine revving]

[All cheering]

Well, guys, it was tough, but we did it.

When word gets out about our loud-neighbor-y,

Radioactive, zombie-adjacent, key-jingling property...

And it will.

No one will touch this place.

[Sobbing]

What? What the cud is that?

[Sobbing]

I can't believe no one showed up to my family reunion.

The buyer family has always been so close.

Buyer family?

"Welcome buyers."

Oh, milk me, his last name is buyer.

Guys, he wasn't gonna sell the farm.

You mean we scared away his family?

How were we supposed to know his last name is "buyer"?

Delivery for mr. Buyer.

You've reached the buyer residence.

I'll get this stump out or my name isn't "buyer,"

Which it is.

That's my name. My last name is "buyer."

B-u-y-e-r.

This is the fbi, buyer. Come out with your hands up.

You'll never take farmer buyer alive!

[Cocks g*n]

Yeah, we're not psychics.

Anyhows, we got to fix this fast.

But how?

We scared the giblets out of those people.

They're never coming back. We've got to.

We'll split into groups

And bring back the farmer's family

Before the potato salad curdles.

[Both screaming]

[Tires squealing]

[Engine revving]

[Tires squeal]

[Engine revving]

[Screaming]

[Gasps]

[Laser blasting]

[Crashing, all screaming]

Oh, my wonderful family.

Whew, we did it.

It's so nice to see a family with a strong, loving bond.

Your loud neighbors scared my wife something terrible.

Your farm's all radiation-y.

The fawn had two heads.

Ouch.

Listen, sonny, don't ever jingle keys in my face again.

I don't know what you're all talking about, and I don't care.

I'm just happy you're here.

All: aw.

All: mmm.

Well, guys, I think we really learned a lot today.

All we learned was

The farmer's last name is "buyer."

And that the farmer has a k*ller recipe for veggie chili.

[Munching]

Hey, mine got cold.

Allow me. [Laser blasting]

[All sizzling]

What'd I miss?