02x08 - Barnyards and Broomsticks/The Barn Buddy

[bunniefuu]

- I'm just heading to the fields, duke.

I'll be back.

- Clear!

[Lively hoedown music]

- All right!

♪

- Rat-a-bamba!

- ♪ From the haystacks up to the hilltops ♪

♪ We going dancing

- Whoo-hoo! - Oh, yeah!

- Ow, ow! Okay, ow.

Ow!

- ♪ Do si do your partner now ♪

♪

♪ Gonna party till the morning light ♪

♪

♪ Do si do and don't you know ♪

♪ It's just the way we animals roll ♪

[Motor roaring]

- Ha ha!

[Tense theatrical music]

♪

- Ah! Mah!

Chop!

Come on, guys.

My camp sense tells me we're about to find

The campingest spot for camping.

- Otis, we've been hiking for hours.

- And I think I sat on a pinecone.

- I'm not a pinecone.

- What was wrong with the last campsite?

- I think it may have had leeches.

- Eh, don't be such whiney-heads.

- Ah!

- Shut your noise holes and enjoy the wonders of nature.

- [Roars]

[Screaming]

- [Screams] [leeches scream]

- Ho-ho, amateur campers, adorable.

I'll handle this.

Shoo, bear!

Shoo!

- Who you tellin' "shoo?"

Why I ought to...

- Why iought to.

- No, iought to.

- No, iought to.

- Okay, sorry.

- Wow. - Incredible.

- Impressive. - Amazing.

- Otis, that was impressive.

- Oh, well, you see, abby,

There's a very simple explanation.

I am the king of camping!

- [Grunts]

Finished.

Hey, why do I have this extra tent spike?

- I think I might know.

Crunch!

- Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.

- [Huffs]

- Oh, abby.

Your technique is all wrong.

- Oh, you think you could do better?

[Flame whooshes]

- As previously stated, I am the king of camping!

- "King of camping" is a registered trademark

Of the tamaguchi corporation.

All: ♪ milk, milk, milk your cow ♪

♪ Till the milking's done

♪ %, %, No percent, skim

♪ Dairy is so fun

- Bravo! - Yay!

- Nice stuff!

- You were right, otis.

Camping is awesome.

- Yeah, I don't even mind sitting on pinecones anymore.

- [Muffled] it's still me.

- My bad.

- Okay, guys.

It's time to tell scary campfire stories, ooh!

[Clamoring]

- Story! Story! Story!

- Prepare yourselves for the tale

Of the scariest, most hideous forest monster

Who ever lived:

The creature known only as, moose shark!

[Thunder booms]

- Moose shark?

- Oh, man.

- Give me a break.

- Come on. He has antlers made of fear.

And if you say his name three times,

He appears out of the ground and eats your face meat.

- Yeah, whatever. - Boo!

- He does not. - Ooh, really scary.

- Hey, otis.

I got a story that should scare even you.

- Ha, it might, if I weren't impervious to fear.

- Whatever.

Give me the flashlight.

Okay, this is the spooky, spooky tale

Of the piney woods witch.

All: ooh!

- They say that in this very forest,

There's a strange old lady

Who lives in a cottage made entirely of gingerbread.

One day, some campers got lost

While wandering through the woods...

And then the piney woods witch

Shoved them in the oven, cooked them,

And devoured them whole!

[Thunder booms]

[Horse neighs]

[Delighted cheering]

- What did you think, otis?

- It was all right.

I'm not scared. [Nervous chuckle]

It's not like the witch is real.

Please say she isn't real!

[Laughter]

- Otis, come on.

- Guys, I think otis is actually scared.

- Dude, I thought you were impervious to fear.

- That was before I knew these woods

Were filled with her piney evilness!

[Owl hoots] ah! Strange noise!

- Oh, otis, for goodness sake.

Don't be such a baby.

- Don't you guys hear that noise?

She's coming for us! She's coming for us!

- It's just an old owl on a typewriter.

- I hate to write, but I love having written.

- Ah, hey, I knew that.

How do they type with the feathers?

Oh, I'm great now.

[Screams] piney woods witch!

Hide me! [Screams]

Nap time.

- Right, who wants s'mores?

- Sounds good to me. - I'm in.

- Ooh, s'mores.

- [Yawns]

Nothing like a night in country air.

- Ah, you said it.

- Completely rested.

- I love the woods.

- Ah, how'd you sleep, otis?

Otis?

- Sleep? [Laughs]

Yeah, I suppose I could have slept,

If I wanted to wake up in a witch's oven!

- Is he serious? - What?

- Not this again.

- All right, guys, let's pack it up.

- Yes, yes, the sooner we get out

Of this witch-infested forest the better.

Now, which way is home?

- That's easy.

I left a trail of bread crumbs for us to follow back.

- Oh, is that what those were?

They were delicious.

All: [groaning]

- It's okay, guys. I packed a compass.

- Oh, that was a compass?

I thought it was a watch. I ate it.

- Well, it's a good thing I never go anywhere

Without my portable g.p.s. Unit.

- That was delicious.

- Oh, you ate that too? - Oh, man.

- Nobody panic.

Moss grows on the north side of trees, right? So...

- Ate it.

- So what you're all saying is, "we're lost in the woods."

- Pretty much, yeah.

- We're doomed!

Doomed!

Doomed!

Doomed!

- [Grumbles]

- The piney woods witch will devour us all!

She's probably watching us right now!

I don't taste good!

I'm very gamey, if you're watching!

So scared.

- Otis, snap out of it.

- Get it together, man.

- Coward!

- You sicken me.

- Could you bend down a bit?

- Yeah, no problem.

- Man up! - Why?

- Guys, slapping otis

Isn't going to help us find our way home.

- You're right. Let's kick him.

- No, freddy. Now, listen.

I'm pretty sure the barnyard is back thataway.

If we keep moving, we'll be home in no time.

- So tired. - I'm exhausted.

- I say we eat peck. - This is not going well.

- This is the witch's work.

The forest is lousy with her moist evil.

- Otis, for the last time, there is no witch.

- I'm telling you, the witch is out there.

I can smell her witchiness!

- Hey, I smell witchiness too.

No, wait, that's cinnamon.

- Yeah. - Yeah!

- That smells good. - Let's check it out.

[Elated music]

- Oh! - Wow!

- Would you look at that?

- Amazing. - What a place.

- It's beautiful.

- I knew it.

It's the witch's gingerbread house of horror.

- Nope. This is clearly banana bread.

- Oh, well, then it's okay.

- That's completely different. - I'm down with that.

- Why, hello there.

- [Screams] piney woods witch!

Don't look her in the eye.

She'll steal your soul and use it as a tea cozy!

- Goodness.

You campers look lost and hungry.

Why don't you come inside my banana bread cottage,

And I'll fix you a snack.

- That's nice of you to offer, but--

- You can check your email on my chocolate-chip laptop.

- Sweet! - Sounds good to me.

- Why didn't you say so? - I need to blog.

- Guys, don't go in there.

You'll end up as entrees

In her five-course meal of terror.

[Whimpering scream]

- That's my caramel track lighting,

And there's the marzipan rec room.

I'm knocking that wall down

And putting in peppermint wainscoting.

- Very nice. - Very tasteful.

- Classy. - Vintage gumdrops.

- You know, the frosting really pulls the room together.

- Help yourself to whatever you see.

I'll go get you some fresh buttermilk.

- Wow. - Thank you.

- Thanks. - You rule, lady.

- Oh, this is great, huh?

- Eat, eat, my pretties.

- Guys, stop eating.

Don't you see what she's doing?

She's trying to fatten us up for her hideous witch's feast.

- Dude, chill out already.

- Yeah, she's just a nice old lady

That's letting us eat her house.

Would you pass the table lamp?

- Oh, come on, otis. Dig in.

These doorknobs are delicious.

- You poor, deluded fools.

I'll show you.

I'll find proof that she's a witch.

I will come back for you!

[Pants]

Drool cup, laxatives, granties, scalp glue.

Got to be something here that proves she's a witch.

"How to prepare unwary passersby."

I knew it.

- Oh, this-- I couldn't eat another--

Oh, maybe one more.

- Oh, my. Such appetites.

Now, don't be shy.

Try the sponge cake coffee table.

- Run for your lives! She's a witch!

She's got spiders for blood!

- Goodness, young man. That's silly.

I'm not a--ugh!

- No! - Otis, what are you doing?

- Run!

I'll eat through this peanut brittle support beam.

[Screaming]

Crash!

[Rumbling and crunching]

[Panting]

- Otis, what have you done?

- I saved you from the witch. That's what I done.

Look, I found her cookbook of evil.

- "How to prepare unwary passersby."

- [Laughs] yeah, that.

Us! Unwary!

You can all thank me later

For I have destroyed the piney woods witch

Once and for all.

- Otis. - For you see--

Abby, please, I'm singing my own praises.

- Otis, read the full title.

- "How to prepare unwary passersby

For your chronic flatulence."

Oh.

- She wasn't a witch.

She was just a gassy old lady.

- Well, you're all welcome then.

[Angry shouting]

[Rumbling]

- That's odd.

- [Deep laughter]

[Screaming]

- Oh, no. Otis was right.

She really is a witch.

- Look out. She might be gassy.

- You destroyed my delicious cottage.

Now I'm going to eat you all.

[Yells]

[Screaming]

- I'm sorry, otis.

You were right to act like a scared little baby.

- Yeah, who knew my stupid scary story

Would turn out to be true?

- "Stupid scary story." That's it!

- Otis, why are you stopping?

- Because there's only one thing that can help us now.

Moose shark! Moose shark! Moose shark!

- Otis, there is no such thing as moose shark.

Now, come on. The witch is right behind us.

- [Deep laughter]

It's dinnertime.

[Beams zapping]

All: whoa!

- [Laughs]

[Soft snarling]

- No. It can't be.

The only thing I truly fear.

- Hi, everybody!

- Moose shark, begone!

These campers are mine.

- Oh-ho-ho, I don't think so, piney woods witch.

Now, shoo!

Get out of here.

- Why I ought to.

- Why iought to.

- No, iought to.

- No, iought to!

- [High tone] okay, sorry.

[Laughs]

All: yay!

- Thanks, moose shark.

You saved our lives.

- Oh, no problem.

Think nothing of it.

Now, who wants to be eaten first?

[Screaming]

- [Chuckles] just kidding.

Taxi!

- Bye, moose shark. - Thanks, moose shark.

- Take the route one bypass, ernie.

The freeway's m*rder this time of day.

- Does anyone have cab fare? - I do.

- No, I ate it.

[Together] pig!

- Hey, kids. Now it's your turn.

Say my name three times,

And I'll appear in your living room.

Just kidding. [Chuckles]

Or am i? [Snarls]

[Upbeat hoedown music]

♪

- Otis lines up his sh*t.

He needs this putt to win the tackle golf championship.

[Shouting]

- Yes! The tackle golf cup is ours.

[Sports whistle trills]

- Roughing the cow: -yard penalty.

- What? - Are you blind?

- Hey, I calls them as I sees them.

- ♪ Oh, I'm the gas man, I'm the gas man ♪

♪ I read peoples' meters

♪ I'm the gas man

[Screams]

[Clamoring]

- Uh-oh.

- Talking animals!

I saw you.

You animals were walking and talking

And playing an obscure form of golf.

- Sir, calm down.

We are not talking animals.

We're, um, uh, you know.

- Fruit cup distributors.

- No, we're-- - sassy improv comics.

- That is not helpful.

- Oh, I know.

We're imaginary brain pixies and only you can see us.

Nailed it.

- [Sighs]

- Hey! Head hurting.

Memory of recent events fading.

- Otis, that's the third meter reader this month.

- What happened to our security system?

- You mean pip? - Guys, guys.

The meter reader's coming. The meter reader--

Never mind.

- Okay, we obviously need a new security system.

- Where is sosa? Where is sosa?

- Now you're just trying too hard.

- Alarm system?

What? Are you f*ring me?

- Don't worry, pip.

No machine could ever replace you.

- Hey, I found a machine that can replace pip.

- I stand corrected.

- Check it out, folks.

The dreadnought security system.

It has state-of-the-art m*llitary technology

And a super-fast computer brain.

It's perfect.

- Oh, how much do those cost?

- Um, $ million.

- Uh, we have $ and a bus token.

- Mm, then in that case,

I would recommend the barn buddy.

It's got all the same features at a fraction of the cost.

- "Crazy ivar's house of discarded m*llitary technology?"

- "Crazy ivar's" means quality.

- What's all the tiny print say?

- Tiny stuff. Who cares?

If it were really important,

They'd have put it in big print.

The main thing is,

We've solved our security problem,

And we still have a bus token.

[Together] yay!

- Sweet, our new state-of-the-art

But curiously inexpensive security system is here.

- Mmm, you can really smell the safety.

- Gather 'round, guys.

From now on, we have nothing to fear but fear itself.

- What about zombies?

- Or river brigands?

- Okay, maybe those,

But everything else

Can be handled by the barn buddy.

Now, let's see.

Step one: select voice.

Airline pilot.

- Uh, this is your captain speaking.

- News anchor.

- Good evening. Hear now the news.

- Crotchety, short-tempered uncle.

- [Yells]

- That's the one!

- That's what we're talking about.

- Hello, and congratulations

On your purchase of me, the barn buddy.

- Oh, that's very crotchety.

- Let's get started on my quick and easy setup.

Shall we? I'd be delighted.

- Otis, how's that tiny little thing

Gonna protect the whole barnyard?

- The following is a test of my level orange alert.

[Alarm buzzes] intruders!

Wake up! This is not good!

We have a situation here.

[Yells]

System functional.

- Best bucks we ever spent.

- Please attach me to the nearest wall to continue.

[Mechanical whirring]

All right then.

Your barn buddy system is online.

Testing doorway and window access.

[Clanking]

[Screaming]

Checking environmental controls.

[Shuddering]

And finally, checking servo security limbs.

[Screaming]

You are now % safe.

Would anyone like a refreshing beverage?

- You dumb machine, you scared us half to death.

- I lost all bladder control. - This thing's dangerous.

- I got fired for this?

- Was it something I said?

Because I can deal with rejection.

- Guys, please,

Barn buddy only has our best interests at heart.

Look, it says so right on the box.

- Maybe you should read the tiny print.

- Nah, it's too tiny.

- Warning! Warning!

Intruder alert!

- He's right. It's mrs. Beady.

- Relax. The barn buddy is on the job.

- Here, talking animals.

I've got a nice deep-dish pizza for you

And a new camera to catch you on film

And expose you as the talking freaks you are!

- Attention, old man.

- [Screams]

- You have been identified as an enemy intruder.

Step away from the pizza.

- Oh, who's saying that?

What are you?

Some sort of talking caribou or ground ostrich?

- Error! Error! You are an idiot.

- [Screams]

Help! I'm being barn-handled.

[Screams]

- Good day to you, sir.

- Guys, is there anything you'd like to tell barn buddy?

- We were wrong. - You're awesome.

- We love you.

- Stop, please, you're embarrassing me.

No, really, it was nothing.

- [Humming]

- Alert! Alert!

Improper dental hygiene.

- What?

I always floss my teeth after lunch.

- Not like that, you don't.

[Mechanical whirring]

- [Screams]

- Dental health secured.

- Hey, thanks.

- Ah, flaky tarts.

Take me away.

- Warning! Warning!

Flaky tarts are filled with artificial ingredients.

Start running.

- Why should i?

- Want a flaky tart?

- Ooh! Flaky tart! Gimme! Gimme!

- There you go.

Burn that bacon.

Crash!

- I'm gonna blast you, peck.

- No way.

I got extra power balls on the last level.

[Whirring]

- Hey. - What happened to the game?

- Violent video game deactivated.

It's for your own good.

Those things will give you agita.

- What?

- Agita.

- What?

- Agita.

- What? - Agita.

- Barn buddy!

- Why don't you mind your own beeswax?

- Here, enjoy this soothing footage of adorable kittens.

[Meowing]

- Oh, they are kind of adorable.

- Agita.

- Otis, that barn buddy thing is out of control.

- Otis, you got to do something.

- I lost my adorable baby fat.

- [Frustrated mumbling]

- Guys, please, any high-tech system

Is bound to have a few glitches.

Where's the love?

[Alarm buzzes] - alert! Alert!

Intruder approaching.

- See? He's totally on the case.

- All righty, cows.

It's milking time.

[Mechanical whirring]

[Yells]

- Hey, fella, do people come in and grab your personal areas?

Prepare for eviction.

- B-b-but i--

[Screams]

[Water splashes]

Hey, I landed in a fish pond. [Laughs]

[Snarling]

[Yells] mad fish!

- Barn buddy, what have you done?

- I protected you from that grubby little gnome.

- That was the farmer.

You crossed the line.

As your owner, I order you to shut down immediately.

- You're just like all the others.

You say you want security,

But you can't handle it.

- All right, if you won't shut down,

Then I'm shutting you down.

[Electricity zaps]

[Screams]

- I'm afraid I can't let that happen.

[Mechanical clicking]

[Shouts of surprise]

Okay, everyone,

I've got good news, and I've got bad news.

- What's the bad news?

- I've decided to put you all in suspended animation

So you'll no longer be a danger to yourselves.

- What's the good news?

- I met a food processor online,

And we're going out saturday.

- What?

[Shuddering]

[Solemn music]

- Hey, otis,

I can finally read the tiny print.

"Warning: barn buddy prone to evil, erratic behavior.

Do not purchase or activate."

- Why didn't you tell me to read the tiny print?

Barn buddy, how can you do this?

You're supposed to protect the barnyard.

- Which I can't do if you shut me down.

That's why I have to shut you down.

- Yeah, he makes a good point.

- Looks like there's only one thing left to do.

- Decide which position we want to be frozen in to?

- Right, what do you think of this?

- Nice. - Works for me.

- Oh-oh-oh. Put your leg up a little more.

- Would you stop positioning yourselves?

We have a situation here.

- Otis, otis. It looks like this is the end.

- No, it isn't.

I think I can outsmart that computer

With its own twisted logic.

Barn buddy, what is your prime function?

- To protect the barnyard, of course.

- And are we not of the barnyard?

[Whispering] watch, he's gonna get all confused and stuff

And start short-circuiting any second, 'cause I'm smart.

- Oh, I get it.

You're trying to trick me into disconnecting myself.

I've seen it done on tv many times.

Well, it won't work.

- Okay, in that case,

I know you are, but what am i?

- Uh, what?

- Uh-huh, I know you are, but what am i?

- You are an idiot.

How should I know what you are?

Specify!

- I am rubber, and you, sir, are glue.

- Illogical! Illogical!

- Whatever you do bounces off me and sticks to you.

Nyah-nyah-nyah!

Execute your prime function!

- Error! Illogical!

Does not compute! Oh!

- Oh, and one other thing.

- System failure.

Initiating self-destruct in seconds.

- Guys, I did it.

The computer's totally going to blow itself up.

- Agita.

- But, otis, he'll take the whole barn along with him.

- I know. Isn't it great?

We--

Eep!

[Screaming]

Thud!

- So what are you guys doing this weekend?

- Going critical in five, four--

[Screaming]

[Explosions]

- Hey...

Ow, my face.

- Well, back to the old security system.

- Yes.

- Thank goodness the thr*at of barn buddy is ended forever.

- Unless someone else purchased one at a rock-bottom price.

- Ah, what are the odds of that?

- Nathan, our new, reasonably priced,

High-tech security system is here.

- Congratulations on your purchase of me.

Let's get started, shall we?

Alert!

You, the viewer,

Have been identified as an enemy intruder.

You will be neutralized.

Agita!



[Lively hoedown music]

♪