05x05 - The Tiger

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

[DR. GOODBEE] Your son had
a serious electrical event.

He's had some...

neurological complications.

We'd like to keep him here
for a few days, run some tests.

[DOT] I want a moment alone
with my husband.

Why, so you can get
your stories straight?

Get out.

[DOT] Listen, bitch.

I've climbed through six kinds
of hell to get where I am,

and no Ivy League royal wannabe

is gonna run me off just because

she doesn't like the way I smell.

[DANISH] What about Dorothy?

[LORRAINE] She's a wolf
in sheep's clothing,

that one. We keep her close for now.

♪ ♪

[NARRATOR] The tiger, spelled T-I-G-E-R,

is one of the fiercest hunters on Earth.

- [LORRAINE] I have to run into the city.
- [DANISH] Oh.

[LORRAINE] It's in place?

- What we discussed?
- It is.

But I feel I must reiterate...

Yes, yes, you went on
at length last night.

It's funny how one's tireless moralizing

can become so tiring.

You have power of attorney, don't you?

In cases where both she and
her husband are incapacitated.

Well, there you go.

[NARRATOR] Known for its
cunning and strategic mind,

the tiger is most dangerous

when cornered.

Dorothy.

Dorothy.

What time is it?

Just past 11:00.

- [DOT] Mm.
- These men would like to talk to you.

What?

[EARLY] Relax, Dorothy.

We just want to talk to you.

[DANISH] It's for
your own good, Dorothy.

It's for your protection.

[FAINTLY] We're very concerned...

[SCREAMS] No!

[DANISH] The last few days,
with all the upset, and...

[SCREAMS]

[DANISH] Mrs. Lyon, Lorraine...

Liars. No.

Hmm. No!

I don't agree to this. [SCREAMS]

[DANISH] ... she feels... and I agree...

you've been having some
kind of psychotic...

Oh, okay, well, maybe
that's too strong a word.

You're fired.

We're worried that
you've become a danger

to yourself or others.

You're the danger.

My lawyer?

My A-S-S.

If you take me,

I'm gonna try and blind you
boys, break your fingers,

bite off both your noses.

Dorothy.

Ah-ah. Maybe you heard the story

where I b*rned a fella alive,

chopped the other one's ear off

when they came for me.

I'm not saying that's true...

... but if you try to
force me against my will...

... you're gonna find out.

[CHUCKLES]

I told you.

[GRUNTS]

[AMBULANCE DOORS CLOSE]

sh**t.

It's done.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Well, here we go. Home away from home.

- I'm feeling much better now.
- Oh, good.

- I mean it.
- Oh, well, uh...

- good.
- [CHUCKLES]

[DOT] I just think,

to go to all this trouble,

so much fuss,

when all I need is a bath

and, you know, Calgon, take me away.

Yeah. Okay.

- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- And you're so busy.

- I hate to keep you.
- [DANISH] Dorothy.

No.

And I am so sorry for biting you boys.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[NARRATOR] Though it may look
like the tiger has given up,

this is, in fact, a ruse.

Look closer.

Even now, she plans an escape.

[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]

What a day.

I'm sorry. I mean it.

Geez, I must look a fright. [CHUCKLES]

Mascara down my face, my nose running.

I'm so embarrassed.

You wouldn't have a hanky, would you?

Yeah, I...

[SCREAMING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Here we are.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I'm so glad we could do this.

The numbers look good.
Rupert ran them yesterday.

Yeah, pretty sweet.

Says he's been talking things
through with your Mr. Graves.

Thought he'd be here.

Well, he's not. You get the headliner.

[VIVIAN] Rupert says he likes him.

- Straight sh**t.
- Says he trusts him.

I'm so glad.

Thought we'd see him today.

Let me guess,

the last time you
negotiated with a woman

was over the price of a Tijuana blowjob.

How much to...

stick it in your assh*le,
that kind of thing.

I'll have the Cobb salad, no cheese,

and I'm guessing

burger and fries for these boys.

And bring us a bottle of the Caymus,

the '92, not the '93.

Goodbye.

Now, Miss...

Mrs. Lorraine Lyon.

CEO of Redemption Services,

a Nasdaq-listed,

multibillion dollar corporation.

Mrs. Lyon has six governors

on speed dial and her own personal

liaison at the Federal Trade Commission.

Nice to meet you.

Are we friends yet? Good.

I want to buy your bank,

but, more important, you
need to sell your bank

because I looked at your numbers,

and you don't have enough
cash on hand to satisfy current

U.S. banking regulations, which...

... one phone call from me,

and you will have so many
SEC agents up your keister,

you'll be sh1tting briefcases
for the rest of your life.

Now hold on just a second, lady.

Do you see?

Right there.

I'm going to knock 10 million

off my offer because
you called me "lady."

We just...

Pipe down, pony boy.

I'll tell you when
it's your turn to talk.

I'm willing

to buy your shady

five-gallon bank...

... because I'm in the debt business,

and I want to get into
the credit business.

Everyone loves a lender,

not so much the repo man,

but I need to test the waters,

make sure the government'll
let me do both,

so I'm starting small,

with you.

And I'm willing to pay a premium

to get this done quickly,

but if you hate women

more than you love money,

I'll just take my millions elsewhere.

Enjoy the wine.

I expect your answer by
end of business today.

♪ ♪

Hey.

Hear it's supposed to snow later, hmm?

Here's me putting off
changing out the radials

- till the last second.
- You're not Sarah.

- Oh.
- Where's Sarah?

It's my first day.

Still haven't got all the
names straight. [CHUCKLES]

Sarah's the one with...

- [ALARM RINGING]
- Oh.

[WOMAN OVER P.A.]
Code gray on floor two.

Security, please report to floor two.

Code gray.

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

There you are. Hi.

Okay. Mm...

What now?

Mrs. Lyon.

Let me guess, the
orphans need a new roof.

Well, probably, but I'm more of a

"let the orphans fight each
other for sport" kind of guy.

Libertarian, so...

I've got a busy day, Officer.

It's "sheriff," actually.

Roy Tillman, from over Stark County.

North Dakota.

That's the one. I was
hoping we could, uh, talk.

Uh-huh. And what exactly
are we talking about?

Uh, well, your daughter-in-law.

Well, what's she done now?

She married me.

[STAMMERS] You better come inside.

[SIGHS] Okay, sailor.

What are you gonna cost me?

Excuse me?

The "f*ck off fee."

Never to be seen again.

[SIGHS] Oh... Good God,

don't tell me you want her back.

Is it just the money,

or have you always been
this high and mighty?

Like that, looking down your nose

on a hard-working American.

And me with my hat in hand
just trying to do what's right.

What's right for whom?

Right as in the Bible,

as in a woman swears an oath
to honor and obey her man,

not go out and get a
six-pack and never come home.

May I have the details of
this alleged matrimony, please?

June 3, 2007. We got
married at the ranch.

My second, her first. Uh...

We were together about

two years, before and during,
and then, all of a sudden,

poof, she disappears. [SIGHS]

Gone.

Well, I'll tell you, there were nights

I figured she must've been dead.

Horrible thoughts.

Mountain lions, Mexican rapists.

So you can understand my relief

when the report came in
said she'd been found.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, my first thought hearing
that she'd remarried with a kid,

maybe some sort of amnesia.

Found wandering the highway,

not knowing when her birthday f...

All right, I-I... I get the picture.

Listen, slick.

Nothing would make me happier

than to put that girl in a box

marked "return to sender,"

between you and me, but

she's married to my son,

and he loves her,

and she's the mother
to my granddaughter,

whom I'm fond of,

so you need to put your big boy pants on

and take the hit.

Bible says the wife is the
property of the husband.

Therefore, that makes your son a thief.

If we're talking about who has

the more legitimate claim.

You know, I've heard of you.

You're one of those
constitutional sheriffs.

Yes, I am.

Defender of freedom and
protector of the common man

against the tyranny of the state

and all its wicked demands.

- Taxes?
- Oh, yeah.

The social safety net?

Well, I'd spit, but, uh...

Respect for the otherly-abled?

The whole multi-cultural panoply.

Billy has two mothers,
et cetera, et cetera.

So-so,

you-you want freedom

with no responsibility?

Son, there's only one person on Earth

- who gets that deal.
- Mm.

The president?

A baby.

[LAUGHS]

You're fighting for
your-your right to be a baby.

Hi, they said...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to check, see
how the powwow went with Duggar.

What is that? Uh, Vivian Dugger?

The banker with a woman's name?

He was in my prowler once.

I caught him in flagrante
with a lady of the evening,

but we came to an arrangement.

That's what reasonable men do.

Should I be... Do you
want me to sit in on this?

No. No, the, um,

the sheriff was just leaving.

Oh, was I?

Well, as I said, if you're
willing to sign some papers,

I could see my way
clear to writing a check.

I mean, between your-your reelection

and my business dealings,

I'm sure neither of us want
any sordid details coming out.

Is that reasonable enough for you?

So, that's who you are.

That's who I am.

And while we're talking
about property rights,

I'd like to be clear
that, after seven years,

a missing person is presumed dead.

So, technically,

Dorothy is my son's property now.

Nadine.

Her name's Nadine.

Not anymore.

[SIGHS]

Women, am I right?

Here's my card.

I'd be happy to sit down tomorrow,

discuss the details of a deal.

[SIGHS] Well, son,

I'm not sure I can negotiate with a man

named after a breakfast pastry.

- [CAR APPROACHING]
- Yes, well,

I am Mrs. Lyon's chief counsel,

- so I'm the one you talk to.
- [CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

And who might you be?

Scotty.

He's a muffin, you've got
a boy's name. What's next?

A monkey with a hat? [CHUCKLES]

Nice meeting you there, Scotty.

Tell your mom Sheriff Roy says hello.

She looks just like her mom.

Yeah. I'll expect your call.

Oh, we'll be seeing each other again,

just maybe not in the
way you're expecting.

What's that supposed to mean?

You have a nice day.

♪ ♪

Ah...

How many times do I
have to tell you people

- we're not gonna cooperate.
- Mr. Graves,

did you have Dorothy Lyon
committed this morning?

I don't see as that's
any of your business.

Well, it's my business
because she escaped.

Call just went out on the radio.

[CHUCKLES]

That's...

[PHONE RINGS]

Talk to me.

[ROY OVER PHONE] Yeah,
we're going with plan B.

Take the husband.

Yes.

Yes.

- Pass me to Bowman.
- [GATOR] I don't... [SIGHS]

Pass me to Bowman.

You didn't have to
send him to babysit me.

Just give him the damn phone.

[DISTANT CHATTER]

Right.

[PHONE BEEPS]

What'd he say?

You stay here.

I'm the law.

You...

I'm coming. I'm...

f*ck.

[NARRATOR] The female, or lady tiger,

can outsmart even the
most skilled hunters.

She is a literal genius when it comes

to saving her young

and protecting her mate.

What's with all the extra security?

[CLERK] Oh, a mental patient escaped.

A female.

Mm.

I'm looking for my cousin, Wayne Lyon.

Aren't we going?

Oh, yeah. We just got to
make a quick stop first.

Come on.

Oh, uh, third floor.

Oh, and, uh, check in
at the nurse's station.

[GRUNTS]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Hold it.

[SIGHS]

You stay in the f*cking car.

Okay.

You stay in the f*cking car.

[MUTTERS]

[EXHALES]

sh*t.

sh*t. sh*t. Geez.

Uh...

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[INDISTINCT P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT]

Just forgot some of your paperwork, hon.

Back in a jiff.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Well, about f*cking time.

I'm supposed to get Jell-O and broth.

Hey. They said I could
get some Jell-O and broth.

That's...

Sorry, let me see what I...

[JORDAN] Two days I'm
sitting in this stupid bed

waiting for you people to rip out

six feet of my intestines.

Least I can do is get some
Jell-O and f*cking broth.

Of course.

I'll check on that for you.

You stealing my coat?

What the hell kind of place is this?

No. I'm just...

I'm having it cleaned.

It's part of the
service we provide here.

I am on to you, bitch.

All of you people sneaking around here

pretending you're so nice,
but I know who you really are.

Ow! Ah!

- Ah! Ah!
- Why are you so rude?

- Hmm?
- Ah! Ah! Oh!

- So angry?
- [GRUNTING]

All of you.

Whatever happened to grace and dignity?

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Everybody here is just trying to help.

[NARRATOR] The tiger has
been known to set traps

to ensnare her pursuers.

Thus, the popular colloquialism

"Do not hunt the tiger unless
you want the tiger catching you."

What's money?

Money? That... Oh, hon,

I don't have time to
go into the whole...

Let's get you to the bathroom, yeah?

Oh, I just went.

Poop came out.

Mm. Oh.

That's good, hon.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

We're gonna go, though, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

[GRUNTS]

Uh, hold on, my foot's unconscious.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- It's okay.
- [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

I love you, too.

Come on.

Mm.

The nurse told me that we're rich,

and I said I didn't know what that was.

[DOT CHUCKLES]

What?

Stay here, okay?

Then, you see...

... this lock?

Yeah.

Turn it when I'm gone

and don't come out until I say.

I love you three.

[DOT] Lock the door, baby.

[LOCK CLICKS]

It's this one.

Stay here.

[BOTH GASP]

Oh, Nadine.

- What?
- Dorothy,

he means. Sorry.

I'm... No. I have, I have...

M-Mrs. Lyon, it's okay.
We-We're here to help you, okay?

I don't need help.

- I think you do.
- No.

Let-let's just... We'll
find a room and we can talk.

Dorothy?

Mrs. Lyon?

I can't. I, uh, have to be somewhere.

Do you got a card I could have?

[JOAQUIN] Yes, ma'am.

You were supposed to wait in the truck.

FBI is here.

Look who they're talking to.

Doesn't matter. We got her husband.

Had to tenderize him.

What an assh*le.

Let's go.

I'm Agent Joaquin. This
is my, this is my partner,

- Agent Meyer. Here you go.
- Hey, there.

We've been looking for you.

Can you... We just,
we just want to talk.

- All right? Let's find a room.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

- Yeah, a quiet room.
- You're okay, you're okay.

- We're here to help you. Okay?
- It's okay.

- I meant to ask, is your, is your husband okay?
- Yeah.

We went by the house. That
must've been some fire.

He's...

[NARRATOR] Only the tiger
shark is a more dangerous foe.

Though, of course, the tiger shark,

or any kind of shark, really,

would suffocate in a hospital setting.

I'll just... I'll be quick.

What do you think?

She looks relieved.

No more running.

Honestly, I don't know
how she made it this far.

Hmm.

Have you seen a woman,

like, light brown hair, maybe five-two

wearing nurse's scrubs?

She's a biter.

No. I can't help you.

- Okay.
- Wait. What's her name?

Mrs. Lyon?

Dorothy?

No more running?

Well, sh*t.

[SIGHS]

[DOGS BARKING OUTSIDE]

Mrs. Lyon.

If I could just understand
better why you had her committed.

You're a debtor.

- What?
- I looked it up.

$192,000.

- [SCOFFS]
- Spread between your mortgage,

car loans, your student loans,

medical bills,

credit cards.

Hell, you've got it all.

Th-That's not...

I don't think...

relevant to this.

Don't feel bad.

You're not alone.

Over 90% of American adults are debtors.

In the red, living beyond their means.

Kids waiting in the wings.

I-I'm not...

I'm not that... what you said.

You see it, right?

The cage you're in.

I see it.

What came first?

Student loan?

Mm. Let me guess.

Your parents sent you to a
private school they can't afford,

took out a loan, made you sign.

I put myself through school,

working two jobs.

Mm, you got a loan.

Tuition went up sophomore year.

So, nobody tricked you into debt,

or-or forced you into it.

You went willingly.

At least the animals in the zoo fight.

I'm not an animal.

But you're in the zoo. All of you.

And every month,

the interest rate goes up,

the fees and fines.

You tuck your kids in at
night, never telling them

that they're-they're in the cage, too,

because, when you die,

your debts become theirs.

So,

just know that, when you talk to me,

you're talking to the zookeeper.

Not some lemming or lemur.

Mrs. Lyon.

Yes, I heard you.

My psychotic...

possibly homicidal daughter-in-law

escaped a locked psychiatric ward.

And what I want to know is,
are you gonna look for her,

or are you gonna sit drinking
coffee in the one house

in the state where I
know that girl ain't at?

[MAN OVER RADIO]
Larson, are you there? Copy.

[MAN 2] Larson here. Copy.

[WHISTLES]

[WHISPERS] Hi.

Mommy?

[LAUGHS]

[EXHALES]

I'm so happy to see you.

- They said you were sick.
- Do I look sick?

- You look tired.
- [SNORTS]

Well, I'm right as rain
where it matters, so...

- Mama?
- Yeah?

Who's Sheriff Roy?

Where did you hear that name?

He was here at Grandma's.

He said to say hi.

He's no one.

Just someone Mommy used to know.

[WHISPERS] Let's go.

Come on, come on.

[OPERATIVE] ID, please.

But I'm leaving.

- ID, please.
- Get out of my way.

Sir, I have my orders.

Nobody comes or goes without showing ID.

I hired you. I sign your paychecks.

That's who I am.

I appreciate that, sir.

I insist. ID, please.

Uh...

Thank you, Mr. Graves.

f*ck you.

Don't do this to me
again. Do you understand?

- Have you seen Scotty?
- What?

Scotty. She was just here.

- [SIGHS]
- I can't find her.

Well, I guess you'd better
find Mrs. Lyon's granddaughter.

Toy box. 10-65.

[OPERATIVE 2] Copy that,


Come on.

sh*t.

[SIGHS]

I made coffee.

You want some?

Why not?

Looks like I'll be up for a while.

Hey, hon.

We got half the force
looking for you. You okay?

We had breakfast for dinner.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY] She loves that.

Who doesn't?

I added cinnamon and a little honey.

Didn't know you could do that. Hmm.

You got some cartoons she could watch?

Uh, they turned off
the cable last week...

... but I think there's
a Little MermaidDVD

- somewhere in the living room.
- Mm.

How about that? Hmm?

How does that sound? Little Mermaid.

- Princesses are dumb.
- [DOT LAUGHS]

But beggars can't be choosers.

- Remote's on the table.
- Go on.

I'm trying to think of who,
in the history of the world,

has had a week like
the one you just had.

Amelia Earhart, maybe.

It's only been a week?

Give or take.

You got a nice face.

You know that?

Kind, in the eyes.

Oh, I can be scary when I need to.

- Just ask my husband.
- Hmm.

Is that him in the garage?

What's he doing in
there? It's been hours.

Yeah. The nine iron, the
eight iron, the seven iron.

Don't get me started on the putter.

Ah. He's a golfer.

You ever have a dream where
you, you wake up one day

and you realize you're just
not tall enough to reach it?

Well, he ain't woke up yet.

Keeps thinking it's the gear.
"Maybe with better gear."

So, every month when I
open the credit card bills,

they just keep getting
bigger and bigger.

Hm.

I need to leave Scotty
here for a few days.

You're not serious.

- Two. Three, maybe, tops?
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY]

I got to do something.

I don't...

She's not safe at Lorraine's.

Safe from what?

[MOVIE PLAYING QUIETLY]

Price of admission.

You tell me the truth,

and I'll see if I can help you out.

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

Okay.

Some fellas came for me the other day,

and again on Halloween.

Who?

My husband.

The first one.

Before Wayne.

I was 17.



That's a whole other story.

Keep going.

They never hit you when it's
going their way, you know?

It's when they're weak,

and just pretending to be strong.

When they need something
small to climb on to feel big.

"They"? You said "they."

- Can I just...
- [GOLF CLUB THWACKS]

[WHISPERS] Can I leave her here or what?

Dorothy... [SIGHS]

You're a wanted fugitive.

Your daughter is a missing
person, presumed kidnapped,

and I'm an officer of the law. I...

- So that's a no?
- [DOOR CLOSES]

[LARS] Babe, I'm slicing right again.

It's those g*dd*mn clubs
that Walter sold me.

I'm gonna take them back in the morning,

see if he'll exchange them
for the Epic MAX Star five,

but we need to be prepared
for him to bone me.

Babe, there's a lady in our kitchen.

There sure is.

This is my friend Alice, from
the potlucks over at Saint Luke's.

Hi. Forgive the getup.

I just pulled a double at the hospital.

Hey.

Her daughter Scotty's
gonna be staying with us

for a couple of days.

She's in the living room,
watching The Little Mermaid.

Like, an actual kid?

♪ ♪

[ENGINE STARTS]

♪ ♪

[MAN] Now I get it.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

[ROARS]