Amphitryon (1935)

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Amphitryon
(Out of the clouds comes happiness)

Nothing to worry, ladies,
keep on moving!

We don't think of it!
We stay where we are!

Young lady, calm yourself.
Why get into a temper at once?

- Don't touch me!
- Mother is ticklish!

Keep your mouth shut, silly boy.

Why don't we hear anything about the w*r,
captain? We want to know if we'll win.

When will we get our husbands back.
- We want to know whether they're alive.

We are entitled to an answer.
- What are you mumbling into your beard?

I've no idea.
Why ask me?

Always the same phrases.
This eternal keeping silent is a crime.

Girls, don't brag about it!

So much noise about nothing
but that little bit of a husband.

What did you say?
- I seem to have misunderstood?

That little bit of a husband?
- Miss, you seem to be out of your depth.

On the contrary, I'm quite normal.
Are you sure you're normal too?

I can bear the separation easily.

But not every woman
can say that about herself!

You're just the right one
to shout about like that.

You ought to keep your mouth shut.

You! Don't you dare
start a quarrel with me!

She's just a Miss...
doesn't even have a husband!

But things can always change. There
are so many silly men around on earth.

That seat is already occupied!
Occupied by yourself!

I can't complain about my husband!

I know, Sosias isn't very modest,
but you get used to it with the time.

Who knows, maybe he pleases me
just by his stupidity.

Stupid or not, there are
lots of stupid people around.

I am smart enough for the both of us!

Your husbands aren't exactly
first rate specimen either.

They're cast from
the same ordinary mould!

Insolence!
- You're mean!

Stop it!
- Stop!

There he is! - Who?
The minister of w*r!

Herr Minister!
- Herr Minister! Herr Minister!

Herr Minister!
What's the matter with our husbands?

What's the matter with our husbands?

Ladies, you must be patient!

We are without news.

That's your fault!

The battle is still raging.

Women of Thebes!

Will you keep silent?

Good gracious, her ladyship!

One ought to be ashamed
to live in Thebes.

It's revolting

and disturbing the peace!

You've no right to riot!

You're to behave decently!

We want to know why we are living!

Yes!

They shall give us back our husbands!
- Yes!

They shall give us back our husbands!

Do you want to rush to extremes?

What would posterity write about us?

Pst! What would the Gods think about us?

Will no one look at our tears...

I too have a husband in battle.

And I would die if he fell.

A thousand times have I thought of him.

A thousand times
have I stayed awake for him.

I don't want to complain
a thousand times!

Because one day...

he'll return to me.

I love him as much as fire burns.

No surprise for those
who know Amphitryon.

But I would willingly sacrifice him.

I owe that to the fatherland.

Be brave in hard times.
Our men are fighting a bloody battle.

And he who dies out there in battle,
he dies for the fatherland as a hero.

Be brave, stop complaining,
we must be worthy of our husbands.

They fight for us, for wife and child.

Don't forget,
we are Theban women!

My lady, you've spoken wonderfully.
especially at the end,

the part about the Theban women,
that was phenomenal!

Your ladyship is a heroine,
a brave heroine!

Nonsense. I'm not, Andria.

I'm no heroine.

I am afraid.

terribly afraid for Amphitryon.

But my lady...

I don't have to pretend with you.
Your husband is in the w*r too.

Yes, but he doesn't participate in it.
Alas, my lady, I know him well.

He's a real slacker.

Since he has become the captain's,
that is our master's orderly,

he has done nothing but eat and drink.
And he's a scrooge too.

Andria!

But he is! Before he went to w*r,
I begged of him to buy me a new hat.

You know, the chic model over there
at Madame Philippides' shop window.

Do you think he did me the favour?
He didn't! I won't forgive him that.

Andria! Who thinks about hats now!

But I have to think of something!

I just always think about a new hat.

Mighty Jupiter.

You know my worries!

Because you are all-knowing.

Nothing remains hidden from you.

I beg of you,
supreme ruler in the Olympian corps,

Lend me your divine ear
for five minutes.

Hallo? Your Majesty is
urgently demanded from Thebes.

Who wants to speak to me?

A human.

Man or woman?

Woman.

Pretty... or ugly?

Your Majesty,
I think all humans are disgusting.

Young.. or old?

Hard to say. Her face is painted.

I want to see her!

Where on earth are my slippers?
There they are.

When women plead for mercy,

Jupiter must be at their service.

Where is she?
I can't see her.

Your Majesty, you're
looking for her in America,

that won't be discovered till
4.000 years later. - Hm?

To the right. more to the right.
still more to the right!

Yes, that's where the voice comes from.

Dear Jupiter.

Answer my prayers!

I solemnly promise,

daily, with my own hands...

to offer you one litre
of fiery Samos wine.

Samos!
The only vintage I don't drink.

You must excuse me that I dare...

to appear before you in my negligée.

I forgive you that sin, my child.

I haven't even been at the hairdresser!

The dressmaker hasn't
brought me my robe yet.

And I wanted to be
especially beautiful for you.

My wife should take her as example.

I don't have to be
ashamed of such subjects.

That woman has race, culture.

A perfect human creature.

Here you are, look at her!

It doesn't seem well-bred

to ask Your Majesty
for an audience in her nightshirt.

I am above such trivial matters.

As far as I'm concerned,
she could wear nothing at all.

Hallo, Majesty! Nothing at all?
- Sssh! Be quiet.

Jupiter, no Theban woman...

is so devoted to you...

as I am.

To earn your favour and good grace,

I would make any sacrifice!

For you!

Lord of peace and w*r,

grant victory to Thebes!

Answer my prayers.

I beg of you!

Jupiter?

No Theban woman...

is as devoted to you...

as I am!

Mercury.
- Your Majesty?

Which w*r is she talking about?

That unimportant business.
Boeotia against Thebes.

I thought the matter had been settled.
- No, tomorrow is the last hearing.

I see.
- Yes.

And how did I decide that dispute?

Boeotia wins at first instance.

Must be changed. Thebes wins!

Your Majesty!

Please consider that the Boeotians
offer far more valuable sacrifices!

That's why they'll win
in the appellate court.

My wife!

Pardon, your Majesty. Composure!
Smile, like I do. Yes!

Jupi!

Look here.
do you like my new dress?

Isn't it divine?

Terrible.
- What was that?

Ehm... terribly expensive.

Old scrooge!

But my little dove!
My darling, my little chicken!

Just now I've said to Mercury,

how sweet and nice it is of you

that you always get dressed up
for me so particularly beautifully.

Isn't it so, Mercury?
- Yes, Your Majesty.

Thank you.

By the way, I'll wear that dress,

when we are going to the Plutos
tomorrow night. - We are?

I... I'm not going.
- Why not?

I have to go away on urgent business.
- Where?

To Thebes.

So sudden?
- Yes. I am suddenly pulled down there.

for... I mean...

My lumbago pulls me down,
from here down to my feet.

But one doesn't go to Thebes
when one has lumbago!

One takes the waters in Sparta!
- Schnucki!

Why Schnucki?
- Then not Schnucki, little firefly.

Sparta is completely out of date. Now
Thebes is the fashion. My little bunny,

the baths in Thebes will do me
a world of good!

Won't they, Mercury? - No, Your Majesty.

Oh...
- The boy is right.

At your age one doesn't run after
the fashion. You must get well again.

And you'll never get well in Thebes!
It's final! You'll go to Sparta!

End of the discussion!

Mercury?
- Yes, Madam?

You'll accompany my husband!
- No! Oh... yes, I...

Couldn't I be spared
that honourable task?

Why? Do you too object to Sparta?
- No...

So what!
- I dislike the whole earth.

The life, the buzzing, the climate...
and the humans!

I shall never get used
to that atmosphere.

You'll have to get used to it!

- Jupi?
- Mausi?

I'll make all
travel arrangements at once.

so you'll get as quick
as possible to Sparta!

And we will go to Thebes all the same!

I want to have another adventure!

I feel so young and gay today!

What can there be more beautiful

than a little affair?

I am fed up with Thebes already.

The whole earth looks grey to me.

I want to have another adventure

with a sweet little woman.

Does your Majesty wish to land
visibly or invisibly?

As invisibly as possible!
- Very well.

Does your Majesty
wish to remain in the fog?

Away with the fog!

Sun and Alkmene!

There are such
beautiful women in Thebes.

I am glad I didn't go to Sparta.
I feel so light.

All the heavy things
I left behind in Olympos.

Except for what I have to carry.

Who is that?
- Your Majesty himself.

How so, I? Oh.
Not a bad likeness.

Lots of hair, don't you think?
- I refrain from any comment.

But aside from that a very good likeness.
Which cannot be said about you.

Where am I on display?
- Over there.

What bad manners these humans have!

Why?

I think they flatter us Gods.
- I think they're exposing us!

Mercury!
- What's the matter, Your Majesty?

There she is!

Alkmene!

That's what I call a happy coincidence.
You know, I'll risk it.

Of course. I'll risk it!

Sir, would you move aside
for a moment ?

I beg your pardon?
Were you talking to me?

I was.
- You're welcome.

You've come from far away I'm sure.

About 1.000 kilometres or more.

Even a child would notice
that you're not from Thebes.

Even your dress hasn't
been made in Thebes.

But your clothes are
very becoming to you.

Thank you, thank you.

Would you hold my basket for a moment?
- I would.

I'm bringing flowers
to my favourite God.

Isn't he beautiful? Such a noble face!

If you think so. I don't like him.
- Now really!

How charming the whole statue is.
How gorgeous the beautiful figure.

You think that kind of thing beautiful?
I can't understand it.

But sir! That's Mercury!
- Yes, Mercury.

I've had a crush on him for years.

Whenever I look at him
I'm getting hot all over.

A pity that he's made of marble,

otherwise I would have
kissed him long ago.

That chest, those muscles,
no one else but Mercury has them!

Where on earth can you find
such a powerful man? - Is that so?

Just touch my biceps!

Go away.
- Help yourself.

Higher up. Don't be shy.

Oh! Are you lightweight or heavyweight?

As they demand it. ... middleweight.

Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

You are indeed an athlete,
which cannot be seen at a first glance.

You see, I am dressed,
but he is naked.

I find it rather bad taste.
- I don't think so.

Does one have to show
everything at once?

Hallo, don't get me wrong.

I beg your pardon.

Madam, may I dare...

to offer you my umbrella?

It's not raining yet, but it will.

I've never been wrong about the weather.

Madam, it's known in the whole world:

The most beautiful women of Greece
live in Thebes, but by my life,

you are the most charming.
- Say, what is it you want from me?

What I want?
How shall I put it?

One doesn't say at once what one means.

But would you have the kindness
to have a glass of wine with me...

How dare you?
What do you take me for?

I'm not interested in your invitation.
- I beg your pardon.

It is not customary with us in Thebes,
to address with such a request

women on the street.

And even in front of Jupiter's eyes!

I'm on very good terms with Jupiter.
He won't do me any harm.

That's bad enough,
but I warn you about my husband.

Amphitryon tears lions apart in the air!
With him you couldn't try such tricks.

You... mister.

Andria, let's go.

Presently, my lady.

The hat is a poem,

it's most beautiful.

You can see it at Madame Phillipides',

on display in the shop window,
in the bottom corner, on the left.

And they are having
their bargain prices today.

Goodbye.

Mercury?
- Your Majesty?

Who is this Amphitryon?

A roughneck. - Yes I know,
he tears lions apart in the air.

Does he have any other occupation?
- Active captain in the Theban Army.

He commands
the 3rd legion of the guards.

Just yesterday, in the decisive encounter
in the matter of Thebes vs. Boeotia...

he again put his bravery into action.

And who is he?
- A certain Sosias.

An unsympathetic character.
Captain Amphitryon's orderly.

Thebes has won the litigation,
just as his Majesty had ordered.

The messenger of victory.

Victory!

Victory!

The w*r is over!

Victory is ours!

Jupiter be thanked!

Jupiter be thanked!
- That's what I call popularity.

Andria, Andria,
our husbands will come home!

Jupiter has heard my prayers!
We must offer him Samos wine.

Every day we must offer
one litre of Samos! Jupiter!

No woman in Thebes
is as devoted to you as I am.

Does your front still hurt, captain?

It's nothing.
I would like to tear off the rag.

But captain,
then you'll have an inflation.

Infection, not inflation.

Well, I always call it inflection.

But that's all because the captain
always fights in the front row.

And you in the back row.
- Yes, captain.

Well, now, thank Jupiter,
the w*r is over.

Yes, your w*r, but not mine.
- What do you mean?

My wife ... and ... in that w*r
I'm in the front row all the time!

Come on!
Andria is a great wife!

If you only knew, captain.
Not one tender word of farewell.

Not even a kiss!
All she wanted was a hat.

A new hat!
- And why didn't you buy her one?

Because you drank away your pay!
- Yes, captain.

Then you shouldn't be surprised
if she doesn't kiss you.

- How does the wise Sokrates put it:

If you don't like your own wife,
don't hang yourself, drink alcohol.

Sosias, I know another saying:

If you don't want
your wife's love to grow cold,

always keep her in good humour.
But that's not by Socrates.

That's not so good, captain.
- I warn you! I wrote that.

Great. The captain
should have been a poet.

I leave that to your Socrates.
- He's better at it anyway.

Alkmene.
- Alkmene!

Does one finally get a look at you, too?
- We haven't seen you for ages.

- Where are you hiding?
- Where are you staying?

- What are you doing?
- What are you up to?

I only think of Amphitryon.

And what does that get you?
- Yes, what does that get you?

Shadows under your eyes
and lines of worry in your face,

instead of keeping yourself
fresh and pretty for him.

Now you'll stay alone no longer.
- No.

You'll go out with us.
- Oh please!

Oh, no!

You'd better come and visit me.
- With pleasure. When will it suit you?

Perhaps tonight at eight?
- Agreed.

At eight sharp.
- Fine, looking forward to it.

But just a snack, very frugal.
- No opulent meal.

That wouldn't be suitable.
- In short: don't go into any trouble.

Perhaps a little fish ragout.
- A joint of rabbit.

And stewed fruit to go with it.
- And I would like pastry of pheasant.

In short: everything
that doesn't take any trouble.

So it's agreed?
- Tonight at eight.

I'll show myself
to Alkmene as I really am.

What? Your Majesty,
then it'll be all over!

How do you mean?

You see, the humans imagine
you all different, Your Majesty.

With a little more...

If Alkmene sees all of a sudden...
these desolate and empty... I mean...

Your bald pate... I beg your pardon!
... this elongated front...

I have my doubts, Your Majesty.

It would be best to pack
and leave for Sparta.

We are staying!
I want to conquer Alkmene and I will!

You're not the lady's kind of man,
Your Majesty.

I am a man in his best years.

Even if you were as young as Apollo
and as beautiful as... as I am:

Even the Gods would
fight in vain for that woman.

She only loves her husband
and will never yield to another.

Not even to me? The great Jupiter?

The little captain, she'll take him
into her arms with pleasure.

She'll take him
into her arms with pleasure...

Yes, only him. And nobody else!

And when will she
take him into her arms?

As soon as Amphitryon returns
from the w*r. Tomorrow.

So just one night left.
- Yes.

Mercury, my mixtures, ointments,

lotions, greases, oils!

What is your Majesty going to do?

Don't ask so much.
Every minute is valuable!

Alkmene scorns the great Jupiter.
She only belongs to the little captain.

Now I know what I must do.

Your Majesty wants to ...
in the captain's shape ...

... Conquer Alkmene tonight!

Your Majesty! But...

But your Majesty, that's...
unfair competition!

I won't tolerate any criticism,
you greenhorn!

Run along and get me
a smart captain's uniform!

And be quick about it!

Mercury, Mercury.

Your Majesty?
- That captain... what's his name?

Amphitryon.
- Difficult name.

This Amphitryon has next to him
such an unsympathetic character.

Yes, a certain Sosias.

A horrible person. Ugly, always drunk.
The terror of the legion.

You'll impersonate him.
- I?

Your Majesty, I won't do it.
- No back-talking!

I'll be Amphitryon and you Sosias.

I, a human?!
Your Majesty, I'll die of it!

Silly, you're immortal.
Now run along and get us two uniforms.

A splendid one for me,
and a poor one for yourself.

Bless you!
- Thank you, Your Majesty. Oh!

I wish I had never
come into this world.

Great!

I say, Your Majesty,

the mask is really astonishing.

May I?

Your hair! No!

Careful!
- Aha, porcelain. Pardon. No!

Well? am I now the lady's kind of man?

Amazing!

Your Majesty, that's...

Your majesty, please look at me.
Now at my finger.

Into both eyes a bit more fire.

Nice and slow. Now the other one.

That's enough, Your Majesty.

So, now you are perfect.

Beautiful.
- Really beautiful.

My dear Mercury,
I've prepared everything.

Hurry up, turn yourself into Sosias!

Does your Majesty insist

that I impersonate that caricature
full of dirt and alcohol?

Yes, I insist.

What a disgrace!

Horrible, awful! Your Majesty
is making me unhappy.

Does it really have to be?

This... this...
what was the captain's name again?

Amphitryon!

This Amphitryon seems
to be horribly thin.

And this is what women are
crazy about. I don't understand it.

No, Your Majesty,
I can't do it, and I won't do it!

No back-talking! Proceed.

Your Majesty....

As you wish.

Don't you want to go on, Mercury?

Get dressed.
We've got no time to lose, ugly bird!

I haven't heard that!

Such a night passes quickly.
- I wish it had passed already.

Pastry of pheasant! Fish ragout!

Everything that
doesn't take any trouble!

My lady, how beautiful! With that dress
the hat would go very well...

still lying down there
in the shop window,

that would be
quite an ensemble, my lady.

But weren't you going
to get the hat for yourself?

I won't get it anyway.
I gave up that dream long ago.

You'll see, my husband
will come back from the w*r,

without bringing me the hat!
Well, he's not from the cavalry.

The coast is clear, Your Majesty.

You mustn't call me ''Majesty''!
I'm the captain.

Yes, Your Majesty ... captain... sir.

What's my name?
- Jupiter.

No, what's the captain's name?
- Amphitryon.

I see, thanks, Mercury.
- You're welcome, Your Majesty.

Awful!

With the fish? Yes, my lady,
we've enough of it in the kitchen.

Here she comes!

Beloved!

The captain! My lady!

But that's the cook, Your Majesty.

How embarrassing.
- Indeed.

My lady! The captain!

What's the matter with him?
- He's here!

No!
- He is!

My husband?
- Yes!

Amphitryon?
- Yes!

Amphitryon! Amphitryon!

Amphitryon!

Beloved!

At last!

At last I have you back!

How I've longed for you!

I've thought of you a thousand times.

A thousand times
I've stayed awake for you.

You are my whole being and thinking.

I will devote my whole life to you.

A thousand times
you've been in my dream.

A thousand times
you've given me paradise.

I want to ask you a thousand times,

just say to me once:

''I love you.''

I love you.

Have you brought my hat?
You haven't brought it!

A thousand times, day and night,

a thousand times
have I thought of this hat.

It was all my thinking!

It's a shame to hurt me so!

A thousand times
I have looked forward to it.

And you arrive with empty hands tonight.

Darling, I like that!

Don't you dare tell me again
that you love me!

Oh!

How nice of you to have come tonight.

Isn't it? One of my
best ideas for a long time.

Tomorrow it would have been too late.

Why? - Because...
tomorrow everybody comes back.

I just wanted our
first reunion to be quiet

and without any interruption.

That's how I recognize my Amphitryon.

I can hardly believe
that I hold you in my arms today.

Healthy! No wounds!

My hero!
- Ouch.

You're hurting me.
- Why, are you wounded?

But I'm invulnerable.
- No, you want to deceive me.

Formerly, you never cried ''ouch''
when I took you in my arms. - Really?

Come, let me look at you!

Of course. You're all pale.

I am pale?
- And how thin you've become...

Isn't that so? Terribly thin.

Still: for a thousand years I haven't
felt so young and strong as I feel today.

I'm only a bit tired
from the long journey.

A little rest would do me good.

You...

Come. Let's go to bed.

Such clumsiness. You're of
no use whatsoever. An utter fool.

Sosias!

Don't you hear,
the captain is calling you!

Sosias!

Are you going
or shall I give you a kick?

Sosias!

How unrefined!

Mercury! Didn't you hear me call?

I'm flying.

Get me out of this cumbersome uniform.

I'm coming.

Quick, hurry, every minute counts.
I can't get out of this thing.

Not so loud!

Your Majesty,
I suffer terribly in this house!

Don't give yourself such airs.
I'll relieve you tomorrow morning.

How horrible!
A whole night with that awful woman!

Quick! So...

8 sharp, one couldn't be more punctual.

8 sharp, how Alkmene will be pleased.

8 sharp, on the minute.

There is no other woman
as punctual as we are.

I know how much
Alkmene appreciates that.

I've had to rush so. The dressmaker
was late in bringing my robe.

My god, you know how things are with us.

But what kind of a
reception is this tonight?

I am astonished! Alkmene usually
greets guests of rank at the door.

This seems very strange to me.

She has never had us waiting
in the courtyard before.

Let's go upstairs.

I can't stand it any longer,
I'm starved.

Alkmene is so correct usually,

who knows where she is.

A mystery.
- I think so too.

That's unusual for this house.

She isn't here, either.
- The whole house desolate.

That's impossible!

We're punctual and she goes out.

Alkmene has forgotten the invitation.

Not at all, the supper is prepared.

A fish ragout.

With stewed fruits.

Fruits and pastry of pheasant.

And we asked her
not to go into any trouble.

Be silent!

I love your beautiful eyes.

I love your tender skin.

I love your red mouth.

What's going on in there?
- A man's voice.

Be silent, stupid.

My beloved!

But that's Alkmene's voice.

That's too much! Unheard of!
I am surprised and outraged.

What's the matter?

Alkmene, the beautiful, chaste
Alkmene is with a strange man.

She is with a strange man?

Alkmene, can one find the words,
is with a strange man.

She is with a strange man!

While the great hero Amphitryon
kills enemies in battle,

she is with a strange man?
- She is with a strange man! A Scandal!

But interesting! So that's why
she doesn't like to go out,

that's why she likes to stay at home,
because she is with a strange man.

Because she is with a strange man!

Alkmene, the beautiful, chaste Alkmene

is with a strange man!

This whispering, murmuring.
Are the servants listening?

Which makes me think of...
- These interruptions spoil my mood.

I've invited four friends for supper.

Come, we'll go to them.
- But I mustn't be seen here!

How so? You're my husband!

I? Of course,
but actually I'm here incognito.

I secretly left the camp

without permission from the colonel.

In a word:
send those silly geese away.

We are staying!

Ah, it's you.

You've invited us.
- Now we are here.

But we've come, so it seems...
- ... untimely.

Why? How so? How do you mean?

It's just...
- It's just?

I have such a migraine tonight.

Poor Alkmene,

she has migraine.

You must excuse me.
- Of course, we'll leave you alone.

Alone in your little bed.

And do me the honour another time.

Another time.

Of course.

Agreed.

Yes, such a headache
often disappears overnight.

Poor Alkmene,

she has migraine.

You must excuse me.

Of course, we'll leave you alone.

Alone in your little bed.

And do me the honour another time.

Another time, of course. Agreed.

Such a headache
often disappears overnight.

Are you glad?

They haven't noticed anything.

They believed my story
about my migraine.

But they made me very nervous.

Always these interruptions.

Come.

My lady, supper is served.
- We won't eat it now.

But it'll go cold.

Then you can warm it over later.

But the pheasant pastry, the fish
ragout, and the joint of mutton?

Everything spoilt!

Darling, let her have her way,
otherwise she'll sulk the whole week.

Come, let's have a quick bite.

But let's be quick. and just a bite.

Why didn't you prevent this annoyance?

Your health, beloved.

Your health, beloved.

What's that?
- Samos.

Samos? So that's Samos!
I am crazy about Samos!

Great.
pour me another cup.

Majes... my stern captain,
that's Samos!

I know.

Very well.

Take the jug upstairs.
the captain is thirsty.

That's the forth already.
- Do you have any objections?

Envious, eh? Want to drink it yourself!
Not a single drop for you, do you hear!

I'll take care of that. You didn't even
bring a hat to your own wife!

You, don't drink so much.
the wine will go to your head.

Alkmene... Alkmene!

What do you want?

I just wanted to point out that...

Hallo, the fourth jug. Here you are.

Out of my sight, disgusting tramp.

Amphitryon!

But it's true.
He is a disgusting tramp.

You mustn't say that.

Darling, don't be angry.

Do you want the sun?

The moon? The stars?

One word from you,

and I'll lay them at your feet.

You braggart!
- I'll prove it to you.

Come.

Captain...
- Dismissed!

I want to take down
the stars from heaven,

and that disgusting tramp
gets in my way!

If you please.

Which one do you want?
This one? That one?

That one, shining the brightest!

The biggest one of course.
I should have known.

While I'm at it...
- We'll see about it at once.

Amphitryon!

Still any doubts ?

I'm all frightened.

Such an accident.
- Accident?

Shall I fetch the moon for you, too?

He'll give away the whole of heaven.

Stop that nonsense!

One mustn't tempt the Gods.

Whatever you wish,
you shall ha... ha...

Drop dead.
- So, now I've caught a cold.

Darling, you are ill. You must go
to bed at once. - Yes, at once.

But before you must take a hot bath.

Sosias, prepare a
hot bath for my husband.

I didn't go to Thebes to have a bath.

A hot bath will do you very good.

A cold shower would be better still.

Now I'll make you a camomile tea,
and then straight to bed.

Straight away. Darling, give me...

... a hot-water bottle for your bed.

If you please, Your Majesty?

What is it?

The bath. Ice cold.

Get out of my sight!

sl*ve!

A cold rub would do you
good now, Your Majesty.

Get out!

Get out!
- Your Majesty are drunk.

You're even sneezing.
Enough, Your Majesty, enough!

There's only one remedy for influenza:
alcohol. Want to try it?

Thank you, Your Majesty,
I detest that human vice.

Because... you're a boor!

Ouch! A boor...

Samos!

One of my best creations!

So.

And now I'll have a bath.

Great Jupiter!
What have the humans done to you?

Why aren't you with the captain?
Shirking from your duty again, are you?

Lazybones, you!

I won't tolerate that
insolent manner of speech!

Silly goose!

What?

What did you just call me?
- A silly goose.

You dare call me, your own wife,
a silly goose?

You'll pay for this!

You dared raise your hand against me?

On your knees, miserable woman!
I'll squeeze you like a worm!

Have you taken leave of your senses?
- I have!

Let me go!

Not unless you swear to be
in the future a docile, tender,

obedient and good wife. Swear it!
- I swear. In Jupiter's name.

Not in Jupiter's name! In my name!

I mean... in Mercury's name!
- In Mercury's name.

Thank you.

So! and now you'll give me a cold rub.

Come!

The way you've changed...

Sosias.

Amphitryon?

Amphitryon.

Doesn't the captain want to go to bed?

I can't sleep. My thoughts are
with my wife and hers with me,...

I can feel it. This is the last night
we are separate.

You don't know how my heart
burns with longing. Alkmene,

a thousand times
you've been in my dream,

a thousand times you've
given me paradise,

you are my whole life,

and only you can give true love.

A thousand times have I thought of you,

a thousand times
have I lain awake for you.

I'll ask you a thousand times:

tell me again:

''l love you.''

Captain, I ask for your
permission to go to bed.

You can't even stand upright.
- Yes sir!

Good night.
- A pleasant watch, captain.

Tell me again:

''l love you.''

1, 2! 1, 2!

1, 2! 1, 2!

Up, down! Up, down!

Stop!

That's enough.
- Here's your towel.

How a man can change!

The robe! Hurry! The robe!

Take the wine away.
Pour me some water.

But you always used to...

Pst! No back-talking, woman.

What's that stuff?
Tell me, what's that?

That's jelly, food of the gods!
- That's only fit for toothless old men.

It trembles even
when you speak about it.

Don't be afraid, I won't eat you.

Come here!

You offer such rubbish to the Gods?

Take that funny pap away.

I can't stand it any longer.
Is this the way to treat me?

I've been worrying
about you day and night!

I have been true to you,
I have nothing to confess.

I haven't looked at anybody else.

So!

What about the stranger,
with the handsome figure,

near that tasteless Mercury statue?

I haven't been out all day.
- This is too much!

Think hard. Go on.
Don't you remember?

The hat, the hat?

The hat, eh?

The hat is a poem,

it is so beautiful, tadi-tadam.

You can see it on display
at Madame Phillipides',

in the shop window,
at the bottom, to the left

and today they have bargain prices,
good bye, good bye...

Do you remember now? Yes or no?

It'll never happen again,
you must forgive me.

Never again. If you please.

So.

And now I'll go to bed.

How does he know all that, by Mercury?

What is the donkey doing in my bed?

What's keeping you?
- Coming.

Here I am.

They're coming!

I can't see my wife.
- I can't see mine either.

Why isn't she here?
- Maybe she overslept.

Or maybe something has happened.
Maybe she's ill.

Sosias! Run ahead
and bring me the news at once!

What's keeping you?
- I don't dare come home alone.

This is an order! Off you go!
- Yes sir!

But it's your responsibility, captain!

Darling, will you promise me never
to drink alcohol again? - Never again.

Say...

Will you buy me the beautiful new hat?
- I will.

Oh you!

Beloved.

Come home soon.

I'm longing for you so much!

I'm too lo... see...

Sosias, what about my wife?
- What?

It isn't me!
- You're drunk.

No, I haven't been drinking
and I won't drink.

You've been to my home?

Yes, the both of us.
- The both of you?

I and I.
- Be clear, I don't understand you!

I don't understand either!
But when I got home, I was already there!

And as I was there, I also arrived.
And now I don't know:

Am I there, and the other one is here,
or is the other one here, and I am there?

Or are we both gone?

You are utterly drunk!
- No, I am double.

You see double!
- No, I am double!

You ought to be ashamed!

To get drunk on your first day home!

I'll have you arrested!
- Yes.

Take him away!
- But still I am double!

He was there and I was there!
Both of us! So we must be double.

Do you have to go so soon?
- Yes, yes, it's high time.

Farewell.
- Just one kiss!

Yes, the last one.

Not bad. Farewell!

Your Majesty, we have to leave, quick!

Where am I?
- Strangely enough, in the bathroom.

How did I get here?
- The Samos!

You should have prevented it!
You know Samos doesn't agree with me!

Your Majesty couldn't be controlled!
- What a disgrace!

You can say that again.
Not that way! The back entrance.

My head!
- You still have your head.

Andria, where is my husband?
- There he comes!

About right!

Soldiers!

Thebes welcomes you heartily.

Against an overwhelming enemy force

you have fought splendidly.

Thebes owes its victory to your courage.

The Theban women have waited
without any complaints.

But it wasn't only that
which influenced the great Jupiter.

He knew why he granted us victory.

He knew that we were
fighting for a just cause.

Jupiter be thanked!

Music!

# Jupiter, Jupiter, thanks be to you!

# Our country is now free!

# For all time we put
our happiness into your hands.

# Trumpets sound
with their old splendour,

# and rejoice with us in chorus,

# from our hearts

# our song reaches
upwards to Olympos.

# Out of the clouds above
comes happiness

# and brings us a part of heaven now.

# Rejoice and dance,
and be merry together with Thebes,

# because the favour of
the gods has shone on us.

# Out of the clouds above
comes happiness

# and brings peace back to us now

# And thus we thank you, Jupiter,

# happiness radiates from this song,

# to you, Jupiter,
to you, Jupiter,

# Out of the clouds above
comes our happiness!

So these are the
magical baths of Thebes!

Oh, my head, my head!

I wouldn't want to be in your place.

The best would be
to leave for Sparta at once.

You ignorant angel.

That would be the
stupidest thing we could do.

You don't realise what disastrous
consequences that might have.

If my disciples learned how I
disgraced myself here in Thebes,

my popularity would be finished!
- Really?

Then I wouldn't be general manager
in Olympos any longer.

I'd have to look for another job!

Not only I, but you too!
- Why me, too?

I didn't disgrace myself in Thebes!

The hat is like a poem...

I know exactly what I must do!

Yes! Leave!
- Stay here!

But that Amphitryon is back now.

He must be taken care of!
- But how?

Don't tire your silly brain,
leave it to me. - As you wish.

Am I the great Jupiter for nothing?

I want to conquer Alkmene,
I will and I must!

That's what you
promised me yesterday, too.

Alkmene! Alkmene!

Hello, Andria!
- Where's my husband?

I've locked him up.
- Why?

He was totally drunk again.
Alkmene!

And he promised me
not to touch another drop.

I'll show him when he comes home!

My darling.
- Ouch!

What's the matter?
- That hurt.

I can't take that
into consideration now.

I am so happy to be home again!

What's that thing around your head?

That's nothing. A slight headache.

That's the result if you overdo it.

Overdo?

Darling, and if it had been 20 more,
I would have finished them off, too!

Samos! My favourite drink.

To your health, Alkmene.

That's good. I'll have another.

I've waited for you for months!
Longed for you!

Finally you arrive.
And what are you doing?

You drink and drink and don't stop!

But Alkmene.
- Don't bother.

You have your Samos,
enjoy yourself with it.

I am busy anyway.
- Alkmene!

Captain.

Was my husband very drunk?
- Senseless.

He didn't even know himself.

When he comes home,
it is I who won't know him.

Amphitryon!
- Glorious hero!

Be greeted!
- Back from the front?

Happy to be home again?
- Yes, very happy.

You look great.

Brimming with power,
full of sap and juice,

you've returned from the front.
Alkmene is to be envied.

You are one husband in a million.

A wife cannot be
unfaithful to such a husband.

Why are you telling me this?

Unfortunately some Theban women
may be capable of being unfaithful,

but yours is true.

Yes, yours is true, Amphitryon.

You're telling me this
with such a suggestive tone.

You're keeping something from me!

But no, but no!

Why be so suspicious all of a sudden?

Alkmene is true, and if she
now and then knows another man...

Another man?

Well, what of it!

Alkmene is true!
- Alkmene is true!

Halt! Who was with her?
You've got to tell me!

You can ask her yourself.

What do we know?

Are we your wife's keeper?

We don't interfere in family affairs.

You! With whom have you cheated on me?

Are you out of your mind?

Don't deny it, I know everything!

I risk my life in battle,
and you have gentleman callers!

Amphitryon!

Who was with you?
- Nobody!

You lie!

Jupiter is my witness!
- Leave Jupiter out of this!

With whom did you cheat on me?
- I forbid you to insult me!

Who was the rascal?
- Let go of me!

Not unless you confess!

Andria! Andria, help!
- With whom did you cheat on me?

Andria! He's lost his mind!

Captain, calm yourself!

I'll tear him apart,
and then I'll k*ll him!

Let go of her hand!

Ouch! He's broken my wrist.
You drunkard!

Shall I call the emergency?

Go on! Cheat on me, insult me!
A fine affair!

Calm yourself, my lady.
God, what shall I do?

I'll fetch a doctor!

Whose armour is this?
- It's yours, captain.

Since when do I have my
armour made at Blech & Plassus?

A fine affair.
One like the other!

By Jupiter,
I won't be a cuckold!

I'll go to a lawyer.

CHICANOS
Solicitor specialized in divorce actions

Majesty, Majesty!
He's coming, he's coming.

Ah, solicitor.
My wife cheats on me!

Oh, who would have thought it?
Such a virtuous woman!

Yes, who would have thought it?
Such a virtuous woman!

You know my wife?

Who doesn't know the charming wife
of the famous Amphitryon?

Yes, who doesn't know her?
We all know her.

By the way, do you have any proof?
- Do you have any proof?

If you don't have any proof...
- ...nothing is proven. Nothing at all!

What about this armour?
My wife's lover left it in my house.

Good gracious.
- A valuable piece of evidence.

Which has to be stored safely at once.
Take it away. Steel vault.

Do you know the armour's owner?
- No!

Pity.

But I'll find him.
Then Jupiter may help him!

What do you intend to do with him?
- I'll k*ll him.

And if he's stronger than you are?

I am the strongest man in Thebes!

I know, I know,
you tear lions apart in the air.

Very well, the ladies Tisotemes,
Fricala, Stiles, and Lavaria

can testify my wife's unfaithfulness.

Most interesting, assessor.
- Most interesting, solicitor.

Assessor? Please summon
the ladies at once.

To your health!
- No, to interrogation.

Yes sir, to interrogation.

Solicitor, may I remind you that you
have an important appointment.

I completely forgot.

I am very sorry, but as you can see,
your affair is in the very best hands.

And now I'll prepare
a long statement with the captain.

That will take about 3 hours.
Would that be sufficient?

It may as well last 4 hours.

So you can spare 5 hours?
- I can spare unlimited time.

So much the better,
that makes things easier.

Would you step into my private office?

Captain, I am happy
to represent your interests.

Yes, yes, we are very happy.
May I ask you to step in here?

Don't forget the bandage!
- Oh, the bandage. Thanks a lot!

The youngster thinks of everything.

I can't get rid of my cold!

In this register are entered
all the men who are liable

to make love to married women.
One of them must be the adulterer.

Are there so many
blackguards in Thebes?

Yes, Thebes is a very modern city.

Oh! You too, captain?

How did I get into
that collection of criminals?

Oh, hallo, captain,
would you perhaps...

I'll tear them apart,
I'll tear everybody apart!

Hallo, captain, you
can't leave this room now.

Why?

For the success of the affair Amphitryon
vs Amphitryon it is absolutely necessary

that until further notice you don't
return to madame your wife.

All right! I'll never
set foot into that house again!

I'm used to some rough stuff by Sosias,
I've weathered some storm,

but the way the captain has behaved
this morning was insufferable.

If I hadn't picked up my courage and
interfered, he would have k*lled her.

My lady, the doctor. If you please.

Now what's the trouble?
It won't be that bad.

Doctor, ever since the captain returned
from the w*r, he can't be recognized.

He's positively common!
- Andria!

But that's the way it is, my lady.

Good God, all men are the same,
orderly or captain.

My dear madam,
there is nothing wrong with you.

You just miss your husband,
you must reconcile with him.

Amphitryon!
- Beloved!

Amphitryon!

What a weak sex we women are!

What's the matter?
- Captain, are you ill?

Of course, your hand is all cold.
And your head is hot.

Open your mouth,
show me your tongue, say ''A''.

You are ill. You ought to be in bed!
Hot camomile tea, cold compresses.

And sweat. a good sweat!

I don't want to sweat.
- You be quiet.

Now I give the orders,
and you have to obey.

Be a good boy and lie still.
Don't move.

Hallo! Miss, I am glad that you came.

How do I earn the honour?
How can I be of service?

Doctor, I hope you'll understand me.

I stand before you as...

As a woman harshly treated by fate.

Yes, harshly treated is the right word.

My husband..
- You're married?

Yes, but don't think ill of me
because of that.

I think only the best of all men,
of you the very best of course.

That's mutual. I thought
about you the whole time.

I found you at once so sympathetical.
I find men generally so antipathetical.

Doctor, I know you
understand me perfectly,

Because I am a virtuous woman.

And that's why you
want to get a divorce?

I can't stand my husband.
The man is a monster.

Well, but... So? And?

Isn't that a ground for divorce?
- No.

Did he lie to you? - No.

Did he cheat on you?
- No.

Did he b*at you?
- No.

Didn't he perform
his duties as a husband?

He did.

Then I don't know
what is your concern.

You've no reason for complaint.
I think he's an ideal husband.

You make me giggle,
if you permit.

You have a lover, haven't you?

Doctor! I am shocked!

And I thought
you understood me perfectly.

I beg your pardon, madam.

''Madam''! how wonderful that sounds.
coming from your mouth to my heart.

My husband, Jupiter be implored,
has never called me "madam".

I would like to help you, but how?

Doctor, only you can help me, only you!

You've come into my life at the right
moment, fate has carried me to you.

I thank you for your confidence, but I
cannot grasp the meaning of your speech.

Doctor, I am not one
of those women who avoid being direct.

You are right. I can see that.

Yes, you understand me. That's why
I would dare share my life with you.

You wouldn't cause me any sorrow.

Your looks, your character,
everything so tender.

You have such a special way
in dealing with lonely hearts.

With you one forgets all one's pains.

You're from top to bottom
a perfect accomplice in every respect.

Doctor, let yourself be touched!

- What shall I do?
- You shall abduct me.

Now?
- Better today than tomorrow.

Then let me go! Goodbye.
- Where are you rushing to?

To get the tickets.
- Yes, but second class.

And where will we be fleeing to?

I know a quiet hotel in Sparta.

Oh, you!

Oh, those humans!

Come in.

A lady wants to speak to you, madam.

Where is my husband?
Release my husband at once!

You seem to have come
to the wrong address.

Don't be impertinent!

You'd better confess.

How far did you go with my husband?

Leave me in peace.
I don't know your husband.

Liar!

It is true, by Jupiter!

I won't allow my husband to help you!

Jupiter is your husband?

That's what I've been
telling you all the time.

Then you must be...
- His wife.

You didn't expect me.

You thought I'd sit
patiently up there in Olympos

waiting till my husband
has concluded his affair.

I swear I never had that honour!

Honour! Honour!

Do you call it an honour
to be one among thousands?

Or did you imagine
you were the only one?

With my heart and soul
I belong only to one man: my husband!

Foolish girl. No man will
appreciate that sort of fidelity.

You don't know my Amphitryon.

He is the truest husband of all Thebes.

Are you so sure about that?

Why? Do you know
anything else about him?

I know nothing.
- But you are all-knowing!

That's what you think.

If I were all-knowing, I would have found
my husband long ago, that blackguard!

My dear lady,
you are committing a sin.

I can afford it. He made me
believe he went to cheap Sparta,

instead he goes to expensive Thebes!

But whenever I need a new dress,

there's the devil to pay in Olympos!

By the way,
how do you like my new dress?

Very beautiful.
- Thank you.

Well, yours is nice too.

Who's your dressmaker?
- Madame Kalippikos.

I heard she's very expensive!

My husband always says
nothing is too expensive for me.

Your husband belongs
into a curiosity shop.

If I k*ll that one,
it might be this one!

If I k*ll him, then it's the other one,
or that one here!

So what!
I'll exterminate all Thebans!

Captain?

You here? Are you spying on me?

The divorce proceedings
are in full swing.

"There are still judges in Thebes!"

You're talking like an oracle.
You've reconciled with your wife!

I've reconciled with my wife?
When would I have done that?

You can't deny it.
Dr. Asclepius was there, too!

Doctor Asclepius?
Who else was present?

You were, captain!

I was there?
Doctor Asclepius was there?

Both us were there?
I've reconciled with my wife?

Am I dreaming? Am I awake?
Pinch me, Andria!

But that's not proper.

I tell you to pinch me!
Ouch! I'm awake.

My wife has reconciled with me?

Dr. Asclepius!
I have to see Dr. Asclepius!

He's suffering from 'hallucinatrones'.

Doctor?

Captain, I've ordered you
to go to bed and sweat.

Ordered me?

Drink hot camomile tea,
have cold compresses.

Drink hot camomile tea,
have cold compresses. Me?

Instead you go out.

Captain, that's impossible!
You are very ill!

Say, Doctor,

how does one notice
when one goes mad?

The person in question doesn't
notice it at all, only the others do.

Only the others notice?
Doctor? Doctor?

Doctor, do you notice anything?

Why?
- I am mad.

Indeed, yes, yes, yes, I am mad!

But you were quite normal an hour ago.

These things happen very fast with me!
I am mad.

Indeed!
I am mad. Totally mad!

Divine!

Such chic, such design!

And so youthful.
I have to get a dress like that myself.

You permit me to have the design copied?
- With greatest pleasure.

You are an angel. Such a pity that
we haven't met each other earlier.

Of course, it'll be
too expensive for my husband again.

Apropos, my husband!

I almost forgot why I came.

Tell me, my child: are you sure
that he hasn't been with you?

Very sure.

Has some kind of funny animal
molested you lately?

No, why?

Jupiter is a tough customer,
he refrains from nothing.

Help! Double! he double,
I double, everything's double!

I beg your pardon,
the orderly has been drinking again!

What's the matter?

The captain is double too!
- The captain will have you arrested!

Yes but which one?
The one in here or the one out there?

Everybody is double!

I am double, and he is double!
there he goes, everybody double!

Indeed! My husband!

There's something
strange going on here.

Amphitryon... twice!

How terrible!
That must be the devil's work!

The devil? No. My husband!
- Jupiter?

This time he poses as a human.
That's the ultimate example of bad taste!

Halt! Not one step further.

You weren't prepared for this surprise.

Did you imagine
I'd sit clueless in Olympos.

Well you were wrong about that.
- I beg your pardon?

Silence! Now I am speaking!

I thought you went to Sparta!
Instead you hang around in Thebes!

Sneaking into the home
of strangers in this disguise!

The humans must get a very
low opinion of us Gods!

Gods?

Especially you, Jupiter,
the highest of the Gods,

who ought to be
an example to the others,

applying means that would get any
mortal before the public prosecutor!

You go through your well-known
magic routine, take Amphitryon's shape,

and impersonate
the youthful hero and lover!

I order you to resume your real
pathetic shape at once, you old fool!

I've just come in time
to prevent the greatest misfortune.

Too late.
It has already been done.

That's terrible!
- He's lying!

How can you claim such a thing?

It's true, you were with me last night.

That's where he sat.
I admit it, he kissed me, and then...

And then?

And then he got drunk,
and fell asleep!

That's just like my husband.

And if you claim anything else
you lie, yes, you do!

You may look at me in that
threatening way as much as you like!

Your eyes may shine
in that spooky way,

and even if the lightning you
have reserved for me strikes me dead,

and even if the whole of
Olympos condemns me:

I'll shout it to the whole world:
Jupiter lies!

I won't get my good reputation
harmed through your talk.

I won't have my marriage destroyed
in this shameful way!

Mister!

I love my husband.
I renounce the Gods' favour.

My god is Amphitryon!

There, you see what you have done.

Jupiter! Jupiter!

If I could do as I would like to,
I would...

Yes, I know,
tear him to pieces in the air.

Yes, I would do so, solicitor.

All right, but don't shout like that.

My wife mustn't hear everything.

Your wife?

Don't you know...
well, you cannot know.

It's all the fault
of that idiot Mercury!

I'll have him thrown out of Olympos,
as much as I am Jupiter!

Jupiter?
- Yes! The only, the great Jupiter!

You dared to insult my virtuous wife...
Oh! you'll give me satisfaction!

Pst, don't shout!
Your complaints are perfectly justified,

but I have extenuating
circumstances: my wife.

Jupiter will be very angry with me.

Don't be afraid.
I'll remain your guardian angel!

My wife! Leave this house at once.
- Excuse me, this is my home.

Yes, but you are lying ill in bed.
- I'm not ill!

Right, but my wife is coming.

What do you think will happen
if she learns about what happened?

That is, about what didn't happen.
Unfortunately.

Unfortunately?

Luckily!

That's him in his real shape.

- Not everyone can be
as beautiful as you.

My dear Madame Alkmene,

you have always
been one of my most devoted admirers.

You believed in me,
offered plenty of sacrifices.

And what did I do?

I made of myself...
- A perfect fool!

My wife always
has to have the last word.

But for what I have committed I'll...
- ... have to pay a heavier fine still!

Yes.
- Farewell, my child.

Come!
- Goodbye, dear madam.

Farewell, my child.

Jupi!

Splendid times are awaiting me.

The hat!

Sosias, you're the best of them all!

The End.