A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (1948)

[bunniefuu]

There you are.

Say, has, uh, this castle
always had four turrets?

Always.

Four turrets.

That doesn't seem right.

If you hurry, sir, you'll still be in time
to catch the last tour.

Thanks.

The room you are now
standing in...

is an ancient banquet hall.

And this table,
ladies and gentlemen...

is said to be the famed
Round Table...

used by King Arthur.

Many of the restored shields of the Knights of
the Round Table can be seen on these standards.

Sir Bedivere.

- Sir-
- [Man ] Sir Bors de Ganis.

- Sir-
- Sir Lancelot of the Lake.

If you don't mind!

Not at all. Go right ahead.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
if you'll kindly follow me.

Over here,
ladies and gentlemen...

we have the shields
of Sir Galahad...

Sir Dalliance...

and Sir Sagramore le Desirous.

Good old Saggy.

And over here,
ladies and gentlemen...

a remarkably preserved portrait.

Lady Alisande la Carteloise.

- [ Woman ] Wasn't she lovely?
- Lovely indeed, madam.

She was renowned in legend
as King Arthur's favorite niece.

Over here, ladies and gentlemen-
Pardon me-

we have a hauberk dating
from the sixth century...

said to have been worn
by Sir Logris of Astolat.

Kindly notice the round hole
through the breastplate...

undoubtedly caused by
an iron-tipped arrow of the period.

Mm-mmm.

I mean- Well, you see,
that happens to be a b*llet hole.

Impossible!
Firearms weren't invented...

- until the 15th century.
- [ Chuckles]

Oh, come now. Perhaps the gentleman
saw the b*llet fired.

Perhaps the gentleman was there.

Matter of fact, I was.

Undoubtedly caused by
an iron-tipped arrow of the period.

Well, uh, that concludes the tour,
ladies and gentlemen.

On behalf of the orphanage and
Lord Pendragon, I hope you've enjoyed it.

- This way out, please.
- Thank you. It's been most interesting.

- I beg your pardon, sir. Lord Pendragon would like to see you.
- Hmm?

Well, that's very nice of him.

Just as I remember her.

- [ Clears Throat ] This way, sir.
- Yes.

“Just as I remember her”?

And she dead these 1300 years.

[ Knocking ]

Come in, come in.
[Sneezes]

And shut the door.

That's the worst of these confounded
castles- very picturesque and all that...

but the wind whistles through
like a howling gale.

This is the American gentleman,
Your Lordship.

I'm quite aware
it's the American gentleman.

- You may go, Richards.
- But, Your Lordship-

Go, go. Scat.

Now, no tricks, young man.

I warn you,
I boxed for Cambridge until my arm-

[Sneezes]

Now, what's all this I hear about
your creating a disturbance?

You don't look balmy.

I assure you, Your Lordship,
I'm perfectly sane.

Well, stop staring at me
as if I were a ghost.

Have we met before? Here.

- Well, no, not exactly.
- What do you mean, not exactly?

- Either we've met before or we haven't.
- It's difficult to explain.

I feel like I know you.
I know this castle...

and the girl in the painting downstairs-
Lady Alisande.

I know her too.
Wait, wait. Don't ring.

I wanna show you something.

- Take a look at this.
- What is it?

It's a gold amulet...

just like the one
on the girl in the painting.

Yes, yes, of course. Of course.

- A remarkable duplicate.
- It's not a duplicate, sir.

- Where did you get it?
- She gave it to me.

Young man, you're either a liar
or a lunatic...

and I'm not gonna sit here-

Here.

- Thank you.
- Excuse me.

I've been wanting to get this off my chest
for a long time.

- I'm not keeping you from anything, am I?
- [Mutters]

My name is Martin. Hank Martin.

I was born in Hartford,
Connecticut, U.S.A.

I'm a blacksmith, and my father
was a blacksmith before me.

Or I was a blacksmith until a few years ago,
when these automobiles came along.

- Boy, it sure is powerful-looking.
- Boy, it sure is.

- Go ahead and touch it. I dare you.
- [ Engine Sputtering ]

- You do it.
- I asked you first.

Yeah, he asked you first.

- [ Backfires ]
- [Screams ] Look out!

- Did you fix it, Hank?
- I fixed it, all right.

The operation was a success,
but the patient d*ed.

Well, we'll give her
another whirl, huh?

- You kids in no hurry?
- No, not me.

What do you suppose
makes it go?

- Know. There's a dragon in it.
- A what?

A dragon, just like in King Arthur,
that spits and sh**t out fire.

- Oh, you're daffy.
- I am not, am I, Hank?

I think she's got something there.
What we need is a little dragon bait.

- [ Engine Sputtering ]
- Say, it's taken a hold.

Oh, there's a dragon
in there, all right.

[ Backfires, Engine Stops ]

I think it's a reluctant dragon.
we'll let it cool off a while.

Does that book tell you
how to fix automobiles, Hank?

This book tells you
how to fix everything.

At least that's what the
fellow said that sold it to me.

- Wow! Look at that.
- What is that thing, Hank?

- Yeah, what is it, Hank?
- That's a phonograph.

That'll bring a 20-piece band
smack into your parlor.

- Drums and everything?
- Sure. Drums and everything.

There's an electric light bulb,
a magic lantern and a motorcycle.

Wow! Look at that!

You mean we're gonna have
all those things someday, Hank?

Son, every one of those things in that book,
every item, we got 'em right now.

You know why we got 'em? Because folks
who other folks thought were crazy...

went out and invented 'em.

That's how things get done-
by folks who sh**t high...

who just won't admit
they're licked.

♪ Oh, there's nothin'
to be ashamed of ♪

♪ If you stub your toe
on the moon ♪

♪ When a dream's
at the top of the sky ♪

♪ Well, you just have
to jump pretty high ♪

♪ But don't give up too soon ♪

♪ If you stub your toe
on the moon ♪

- Now, you take Harry Hadgetts.
-[All ] Who's Harry Hadgetts?

♪ Young Harry Hadgetts
loved making gadgets ♪

♪ “Life needs some new things”
was his claim ♪

♪ Hoped one or two things
might bring fame ♪

♪ This is the last time
you'll hear his name ♪

♪ Nobody mentions
Harry's inventions ♪

♪ But do you think
that got him down ♪

♪ Here comes the end
when you've gadgets to mend ♪

♪ He's the best repairman
in town ♪

♪ So there's nothin'
to be ashamed of ♪

♪ If you stub your toe
on the moon ♪
Fred.

♪ When a dream's at
the top of the sky ♪

♪ Well, you just have to jump
pretty high, high ♪

♪ But don't give up too soon ♪

♪ If you stub your toe
on the moon ♪

- Now, you take Sally Springer.
- Who's Sally Springer?

Well, it's a long story,
but I'll cut it down for you.

♪ Sweet Sally Springer
she was a singer ♪

♪ Lived in a hall room
up one flight ♪

♪ Thought of a ballroom
big and bright ♪

♪ Where she would make
her debut some night ♪

♪ Then for her trouble
“Pop” went the bubble ♪

♪ Say that it's sad
but, wait, don't weep ♪

♪ Now they admit
every night she's a hit ♪

♪ When she sings
her children to sleep ♪

[ All ]
♪ No, there's nothin' to be ashamed of ♪

♪ If you stub your toe
on the moon ♪

♪ Though it may be a blow
to your pride ♪

- ♪ You're a hero because well, you tried ♪
- Good boy.

♪ So don't give up too soon ♪

♪ If you stub your toe
on the moon ♪

- ♪ Don't give up too soon ♪
- [ Miaow ]

- ♪ If you stub your toe on the moon ♪♪
- [ Backfires, Engine Starts ]

[ Backfires, Engine Stops ]

Well, there's a moral there
some place, kids.

- [Man] Hiya, Hank.
- Hey, Sam.

Old Man Miller's
madder than a wet hen.

Said you promised to have
his pinto back by noon.

By George, I did!
Well, this'll have to wait till later, kids.

- Aw, gee!
- Come on. Everybody out.

- See you in the mornin'. 7:00 be too early?
- [ All Shouting ]

- Good, good. All right, goodbye.
- See you tomorrow!

Say, if that cat spits up a spark plug,
it's mine.

-[Thunderclap ]
- [ Whinnies ]

Whoa, Tex. Take it easy.
I don't blame you.

Looks like we're in
for a wet night.

[ Thunderclaps Continue ]

- Whoa, there. Whoa!
- [ Whinnying ]

Whoa, Tex! Whoa!

Monster, will you battle?

Will I do what?

Will you joust?
Will you venture a passage at arms?

Huh?

- Up, dog!
- [ Armor Screeches ]

Up, dog, and defend thyself!

Up, I say!

Look, old man, I don't know
where you got that iron Union suit...

but I've been up all night
and I'm in no mood for jokes.

- Here, Tex. Here, Tex.
- Stay where you are, monster!

I give warning:
Spit forth one flame of fire...

and I shall hack thee
limb from limb!

Here, now.

Skip. Go ahead. Run along
before they come and get you.

Before they come?

Your keepers.
They should be here any minute.

Parley will gain thee not!
Dost admit defeat?

Look, I told you before,
I'm in no mood-

Dost admit defeat?

Dost. By all means, dost.

Forward, knave.
Thou art c*ptive of my lance.

I'll play along with you.

Hey, tell me, bub,
who art thou?

I hight
Sir Sagramore le Desirous...

Knight of the Round Table.

Howdy. I hight Hank Martin.

Those turrets-

I've never seen them before.

- That can't be Bridgeport.
- Yonder, varlet, is Camelot.

Camelot?

Capital of
the kingdom of Britain-

residence in state
of King Arthur's Court.

King Arthur? What year is this?

This is the year
of our Lord, 528.

Five hundred and twenty-eight?

I guess I owe you an apology, brother.
I'm the guy they're coming after.

Forward, knave.

Raise for Sir Sagramore!

Hold, monster.
Bind the prisoner.

Bind the prisoner!

Here, here. Whoa. What's this?

Here, now, there's been a mistake.
Get me a lawyer.

- Where's the head fellow here?
- Forward, monster.

- Where is the king?
- In the Great Hall, sire.

- Enough! To thy post.
- Aye, sire.

[ Armor Screeches ]

Forward to the Great Hall.

♪♪ [ Fanfare]

♪♪ [Orchestra]

[Sneezes]

Oh, confound this castle.
It's a veritable cave of winds.

- Somebody close the door.
- The king speaketh.

Close the door!

[Man] Close the door!

- [Man #2 ] Close the door!
- [Door Slams Shut ]

The door closeth.

♪ When ♪

♪ Is sometime ♪

♪ How many days ♪

♪ Until sometime ♪

♪ For my dreams make it clear ♪

♪ That my lover is near ♪

♪ And he ought
to be here about ♪

♪ Sometime ♪

♪ Who ♪

♪ Is someone ♪

♪ Who is
this wonderful someone ♪

♪ Oh, I'm keeping
my heart-strings ♪

♪ In tune ♪

♪ And hoping ♪

♪ That sometime ♪

♪ Is soon ♪

- It is I, Sir Sagramore!
- [Armor Screeches]

Cease thy speaking!

And thy babbling.

♪ Who ♪

♪ Is someone ♪

♪ Who is
this wonderful someone ♪

♪ Oh, I'm keeping
my heart-strings ♪

♪ In tune ♪

♪ And hoping ♪

♪ That sometime ♪

♪ Is soon ♪

♪ Oh, I'm hoping ♪

♪ That sometime ♪

♪ Is soon ♪♪

♪♪ [Stops]

Excellent, child.
You take after my side of the family.

We were all fine singers
until my throat-

Thank you, my liege.

With Your Majesty's permission,
I have prepared a song for the lute.

- It's a simple thing-
- Away, child.

If there's one thing that curdles the
appetite of an already-addled stomach...

it's a lute solo.

Well, well, well, well,
well, well, well, well, well.

What other amusement
have we in store this day?

[Screeches ]

Sorry, my liege.

Noble King, I crave pardon
for this most unseemly intrusion...

but I have just returned
from capturing the fiercest...

of all human dragons.

- Behold, the monster!
- [Murmuring ]

I'm a monster.

A weird-looking creature.
How camest thou by him?

'Tis a most wondrous tale,
my liege.

I fear we're in for it.

My king,
ladies of the Royal Court...

fellow Knights
of the Round Table...

while riding in a far land...

I came upon a concourse
of a thousand ogres.

And despite their numbers...

determined to capture the most
sky-towering giant among them-

Oh, here, now. Wait a minute.
I was alone. I was asleep under a tree.

Cease, monster!

From dawn till dark
and dark till dawn, we battled.

With lance and sword,
I laid upon the demon throng...

till all were dead but one-

the fiercest ogre of them all...

when finally
I drove Aim to corner.

He changed into a dragon...

bellowing fire
and flame upon me!

When that availed him naught,
he became a tusked and taloned werewolf:

Oh, now, see here,
Your Majesty-

At last, the beast changed
to his present form...

and with one mighty bound...

leaped to the topmost
branch of a tree...

200 cubits high!

I picked up a stone...

the size of a bullock
and hurled it at the beast.

He fell to my feet.

And here, milord,
here is living proof...

of my mighty deed.

- [ Sparse Applause ]
- I thank thee.

Your Majesty,
mayeth I sayeth a few words?

- In the first place-
- Silence, ogre!

What makest thou
of the creature, Merlin?

A most dangerous and evil demon.
The beast must be destroyed.

- A hanging?
- No.

Burning at the stake, my liege.

Pardon, milord...

but the monster
seemeth a gentle soul.

- Gentle?
- He hath nice eyes...

and his features
are not unpleasant.

True, true.
Monster, has thou a name?

Hast. Martin. Hank Martin.

The truth now.
How camest thou to this kingdom?

Well, I'm a little confused
as to how I came here...

but I did come from Connecticut.

Hast heard of, uh...

what he just said?

Couldst be in Ireland.

Oh, no. It's way past Ireland.

You lie. There's naught beyond Ireland
but the Great Sea.

Trapped by his own words,
my liege.

An evil demon confronts us, whose abode
is the dismal depths of the ocean.

Destroy this pestilence
e'er he destroy us!

- Thou hast a good point, Merlin.
- [Man ] Death to the monster!

[All Shouting ]

Quiet, quiet!

Oh, my ears.

Monster...

I have bad tidings for thee.

Tomorrow morning,
thou burnest at the stake.

Take him away.

Well, Your Majesty,
if I can just have a minute to-

I'd like to explain this-
Wait a minute! Hey! Help!

Wait! Help!

[ Chattering ]

'Tis said this monster
has seven heads.

Aye, and a forked tail.

It is I, Sir Sagramore.
Open for Sir Sagramore.

- [Door Closes ]
- Well, what do you want now?

I have brought thee
a dainty tidbit from the king's kitchen.

Roast meat.

At this point, roast meat
doesn't appeal to me.

- When do I-
- Within the hour.

How thou must hate me for the mischief
my foolish tongue has caused thee.

You ought to be press agent
for Jack the Ripper.

An ogre, you called me.
Dragon, werewolf.

- No wonder they wanna get rid of me.
- Cease.

I feel bad enough.

If there were aught I could say,
aught I could do to save thee-

Well, ain't there aught?

Naught.

Wait!

- Zounds! what an idea!
- An idea?

Who hast condemned thee?
'Tis Merlin, the maker of miracles.

What if thou
shouldst create a miracle?

What if thou shouldst prove
a greater sorcerer?

Doing what?

Nay. Nay.
'Tis a foolish thought.

A greater sorcerer than Merlin?
None such exists.

He's the champion, huh?

I have grown
to like thee, monster.

'Tis sad to part.

'Tis sad.

Farewell.

[ Door Closes ]

[Sighs]
Within the hour.

Well, now, if it's
a miracle they're after-

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Meet the new champion.

♪♪ [Orchestra]

No, no, no, no. All these folderols
simply to burn a man.

- Verily it grows monotonous.
- Aye.

But the Romans had
a more amusing procedure.

They boiled their victims in oil.

- Boiled them in oil?
- [ Chuckles]

Splendid. Hast not seen
a lobster boil, Your Majesty?

Truly, Morgan, thou art brilliant.

All right, all right, all right.
Let's get started.

Thou knowest this early morning air
bringeth on my vapours.

The king speaketh.
Bring on the beast.

- Bring on the beast!
- Bring on the beast!

- Must we have these eternal echoes?
- Bring on the beast!

♪♪ [Fanfare]

Now, that's strange.

The creature seemeth
in splendid spirits.

'Twill avail him naught.

Fire and flame will destroy him
and all his demon magic.

Milord, does he have to die?

Of course he has to die.

You certainly don't expect me
to disappoint all these people, do you?

Thou art to be commended, Sir Sagramore,
for thy part in these festivities.

Nay. My heart weigheth heavily.

Hear ye
the proclamation of death!

Monster, thou hast by trial,
both just and fair...

been found guilty
of the following crimes.

First, of assuming
through demon wizardry...

- the form of a man-devouring ogre...
- Stay away, clouds.

- Of a fire-breathing dragon...
- Good old sun.

And of tusked
and taloned werewolf:

Second, of conspiring with Beelzebub
and the powers of evil...

to bring calamity
upon this kingdom.

Therefore, monster...

by order of His Sovereign Majesty
King Arthur of Britain...

thou art hereby condemned
to perish...

- by the flame and-
- [ Screaming, Shouting ]

Merlin, he's bewitched!

Have no fear, my liege.

I shall cast a spell
upon this demon.

- I fear thee not, monster.
- Boo.

I, Merlin,
sorcerer to the king...

do hereby render helpless
the evil demon within this monster...

and route for evermore...

his magic wizardry,
and I command the gods...

to wither his tongue,
to still his limbs, to-

Psst, psst.
Smiley, you're burning up a little there.

Thou art the devil himself!

Is there no end to his sorcery?

Do you give up?

- Aha. Just as I thought!
- Hey-

No forces of evil did cause
this mischief, my liege.

'Twas but this bauble,
this toy...

which any child can worketh.

Start workething, bub.

I command thee...

- maketh fire and flame!
- Any news?

- Maketh fire and flame!
- [ Laughter]

No talent, huh?

[ Laughter Continues ]

A few words, Your Majesty.

I am a wizard.
I'm a whizz of a wizard.

Matter of fact,
just about the best in the business.

And if you don't mind
my saying so...

it's a pretty good thing for you
I'm not quick-tempered.

[ Scoffs ]
Slim, release me here.

Come on, quickly.

I might lose my temper here
and burn up a lot of good acreage.

Now, watch closely
and I'll show you what I mean.

I have here, Your Majesty,
a common, ordinary twig. Presto!

[ Gasping, Murmuring ]

You could imagine what
I could do with a tree.

For my next miracle,
ladies and gentlemen-

Desist! Desist, monster!
I prithee!

And now, Your Majesty,
hang on to your crown be-

because, uh, I'm about to-

No more, monster!
I beseech thee!

Spare my kingdom!

Name thy terms,
and I will grant them.

Well, would like to stick around here
a little while, maybe.

Half my domains are thine.

Oh, no. Just-

Just a little- little blacksmith shop
would be all right.

A smithy. Granted.

And if you could arrange it,
I'd like to associate...

with these lords and ladies
in a little more sociable atmosphere.

A ball, as soon as 'tis possible
to accoutre thee properly.

This fellow that captured me-
what about him?

The dog shall die.

Aye! Burn Sir Sagramore!

Aye! Burn Sir Sagramore!

[ Shouts Of Approval ]

Burn Sir Sagramore!
Burn Sir Sagramore!

- [ Chuckles ] In oil, huh?
- [Hank ] Oh, no.

No. Wait a minute. I like him.

Hmm. Why, he shall be
thy squire.

[ Hank ] wouldn't be without a squire.
And one really important thing.

As long as I seem to be
the boss around here...

don't you think I ought to have
a title to go with it?

Approach and be knighted.

♪♪ [Fanfare]

Here.
Practice with this a while.

On thy knees, sire.

I dub thee-

I dub thee Sir Boss!

[All]
Hail to Sir Boss!

Hail to the Boss!

Hail, Sir Boss.

Methinks I liketh Camelot...

a lot.

Zounds, but thou hast
a handsome figure!

Now, take it easy, Saggy.
I know you're grateful, but don't overdo it.

The ball awaits thee.
This way, milord.

Hope some man
doesn't ask me to dance.

♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

For thee, sire.

- Well, how about introducing me to the cast of characters?
- Pardon, sire?

I wouldst know whom
I meeteth this night.

The king, for instance.

- What's he like?
- A prince among men.

And, uh, Merlin?

A devil, who by cunning
and trickery...

- has come to rule the kingdom.
- A villain, huh?

Who's the dark-haired lady
with him there?

Morgan le Fay, the king's niece.

If aught should happen to the king,
Merlin would see to it that she is queen.

Well, aught better
not happen then, huh?

Who?

Another of the king's nieces.

Milady Alisande la Carteloise.

Is she married or anything?

She is the betrothed
of Sir Lancelot of the Lake...

who is away on a mission
of knight errantry, sire.

Travelling man, huh?
Shall we mingle then?

Stop the music!

- Stop the music!
- Stop the music!

- ♪♪ [ Fanfare ]
- ♪♪ [ Orchestra Stops ]

The music stoppeth, sire.

[Sneezes]

Well, you got a mighty
nice turnout for the clambake.

- I'm much obliged.
- It's a pleasure, I assure thee.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Boss!

The man is dangerous.

And we also if we but smile.

Dance with him.

- Uh, Sir Galahad.
- Oh.

Howdy.

k*lled any dragons lately?

Scout's honor?

- Pardon, my liege.
- Ah, yes.

My niece, Morgan le Fay,
princess of the Royal House.

Welcome to Camelot, milord.

- A merry tune, is it not?
- Oh, yes.

I can hardly keep
my feet still.

Thou mayest think me bold,
but wouldst dance with me?

Why, certainly. I'd love to.

Any time.

I, uh- I beg your pardon.

I don't want to seem aggressive
or anything, but I did want to-

My dear Alisande,
hast heard my latest exploit?

- Never in all-
- Say, just a minute, buster.

This is our dance.

By all means, yes.

Hast thou an affliction
in thine eye, sire?

I'm afraid it's in my heart.

But that twitching of the lid.
I understand thee not.

- That's a wink, honey.
- A wink?

Where I come from,
it's a token of affection.

Maybe we better dance, huh?

Come along with me a minute.
I want to straighten these fellows out.

Will you excuse me?
This won't take a minute.

You don't seem to be very busy.
Would you try something for me?

Listen closely.

♪♪ [ Whistling Melody ]

- Try it.
- ♪♪ [ Playing Melody]

Fine. I have something,
for you too.

♪♪ [ Humming Melody ]

- Play it.
- ♪♪ [ Playing Melody ]

Are you happy? Sounds fine.

Well, who have we here?

Milord Windpipe.
Got something classy for you.

Listen closely.

♪♪ [ Whistling Melody ]
Nice, huh?

- Try it
- ♪♪ [ Playing Melody Out Of Key ]

Have to file this away
till 1776, I guess.

Now we come to
the most important part of all-

the rhythm section.

Tell me, sire, how dost thou
count this rhythm?

Hmm?

One, two, three.
One, two, three.

One, two, three.
One, two, three.

You're a three-b*at man, huh?

You're a four-b*at man.
One, two, three, four.

- One, two, three, four.
- I'm a four-b*at man.

Naturally. Let me hear it.

That's it.

Oh. Say, there's a new tuning
on these instruments.

Gonna sweep the country.

There.

Isn't that classy?

There's a canoe that goes
with these things, but that's another story.

Don't lose your head now.
There's just the man we need.

- Hold it.
- [ Stops]

Tell me, young man,
art thou familiar with this melody?

Indeed, Sir-Sir Boss. I am.

Well, come on. Join the band.

I hope thou art paid up
in the Guild.

Everyone remember
what I showed them.

Are you all ready?

♪♪ [ Resumes, Upbeat Tempo ]

There, you see?
When you putteth in the brass...

you taketh out the lead.

Sir Boss, what a wondrous
transformation.

- So bright, so merry, so gay!
- It was really nothing.

Tomorrow, I might even
show them “The Turkey Trot.”

- “The Turkey Trot”? I wit thee not.
-'Tis a gayish gambol.

Oh, come. Relax.
You might like it.

Methinks this
will be his undoing.

This is an out-

Yes, sire?

Would you like to sit
the rest of this out?

- 'Twould be most unseemly.
- I know it would.

I want to talk to you alone.

♪♪ [ Continues]

'Tis a beautiful night, sire.

Oh, 'tis. 'Tis indeed.

But I wish
you wouldn't call me sire.

Yes, O Mighty Sorcerer.

And I wanna straighten
you out on that too.

I don't care what it looked like
out there the other day.

I'm just one of the boys-
just a fellow called Hank Martin.

- A human being?
- Mm-hmm.

Right now, very human.

- Tell me, sire-
- Oh, no. Hank.

Tell me, Hank...

why dost thou confide in me?

I don't know, unless-
Well, except I'm grateful.

Well, you-you and Saggy
were the only ones...

that seemed to care
if I b*rned or not.

I'd feel as sorry
for any beast of the field.

Now, don't spoil it.
In the second place, Alisande...

you're a very pretty girl.

Thou art pretty too, milord.

You mustn't go around
saying men are pretty.

If you wanna make an exception
in my case, say I'm cute.

Thou art in truth the cutest-

I don't like that either.
Say I'm healthy or something.

You know what
I think I'll call you?

Sandy.

- Sandy?
- Mm-hmm.

Sandy. It hath a fine
and winsome grace.

Sandy. Even so...

already it falleth trippingly
from the tongue.

- Shakespeare.
- Shakespeare?

He's a new boy coming up later.
Very clever fellow.

Gee, Connecticut
was never like this.

And where is this strange land,
this Connecticut?

A million miles-

a thousand years away.

I comprehend thee not.

I'm not sure
I comprehend me either.

One thing I know, though.
I'm glad I'm here.

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪ Once and for always ♪

♪ Let's have it understood ♪

♪ We will be together ♪

♪ Just the way we should ♪

♪ Let's not wait and hope ♪

♪ For something more sublime ♪

♪ Don't you know ♪

♪ That always
isn't too much time ♪

♪ So once ♪

♪ And for always ♪

♪ Let's say that it's agreed ♪

♪ Wishing days are over ♪

♪ This is all we need ♪

♪ And tonight ♪

♪ We'll notify the stars ♪

♪ Above ♪

♪ That once and for always ♪

♪ And no less than always ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Will be ♪

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪ ln love ♪

'Tis truly lovely.

♪ Once and for always ♪

♪ Let's have it understood ♪

But I know not
thy meaning, sire.

'Tis warming to the heart,
but confusing to the mind.

All I'm trying to tell you, honey,
is even if you lived up in my day...

around 1905...

I'd still feel
the same way about you.

Time isn't important
if it's the real thing.

♪ Let's not wait ♪

♪ And hope for something ♪

♪ More sublime ♪

♪ Don't you know ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Well, always ♪

♪ Isn't too much time ♪

Seems the only thing I brought
with me from Connecticut is a little book-

an almanac full of useful advice
and wise observations...

one of which says, “Love once...

but love always and forever.”

That's what I'm trying to tell you.
Just like it says in the almanac.

- What's an almanac?
- Doesn't matter.

They all say the same thing.

♪ Once and for always ♪

♪ Let's say that it's agreed ♪

♪ Agreed ♪

♪ Wishing days are over ♪

♪ This is all we need ♪

♪ And tonight ♪

♪ We'll notify ♪

♪ The stars ♪

♪ Above ♪

♪ That once and for always ♪

♪ And no less ♪

♪ Than always ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Will be ♪

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪ In love ♪♪

- I shouldn't have done that, huh?
-'Twas mine fault as much as thine.

Well, then this one's on me.

Will I see you tomorrow?

- 'Twould be most-
- Tomorrow then, at my smithy.

Logris, thou art a friend of Lancelot's.

Wouldst say
he is a jealous man?

- Most jealous.
- Knowest thou his whereabouts?

They say he's bound
for the north country.

- A day's ride would reach him.
- A night's ride.

Thou must leave at once.

Stay, Sir Lancelot!

Sir Lancelot!

Stay, Sir Lancelot!

Evil tidings, my friend.

An interloper from a foreign land has gazed
with ardor upon the Lady Alisande.

Huh? Name of this interloper?

- Sir Boss.
- Sir Boss. I ride forthwith to Camelot.

- But the quest, sire.
- The quest shall wait.

First, I must disembowel
a scurvy knave!

'Tis a monstrous
sorcerer within.

Most monstrous!

Well, let's see here.

Two inches off the cuff.

- [ Chuckles ] You got me a little there.
- Thou art indeed a wizard.

When 'tis done,
'twill become thee as fittingly as it did...

to Sagramore le Desirous.

Sir Sagramore le Desirous.

We've got to do something
about that.

Say, when you were a kid,
did you have a first name?

Aye. But from that day to this...

no man has dared breathe it
in my presence.

- But you're gonna tell me.
- Wild horses could not drag it from me.

Come on, Saggy. 'Fess up.

- To my undying shame, 'twas Clarence.
- Clarence.

Suits your personality too.
I dub thee Clarence.

- Whoop.
- As you will, milord.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Hi, men. Oh, well,
you'll get used to me. Who's this?

Who cometh in
the yonder covered wagon?

'Tis the Lady Alisande.

I warn thee, milord,
this meeting is unwise.

- The girl is betrothed.
- I'll take care of this thing, Saggy.

But, sire-

Sandy.

- Hank.
- Thanks for coming.

In truth, I-
I did not want to come.

I know. You just came to tell me
that you couldn't make it.

Honey, I've got something
awfully important to ask you. Could-

[ Giggling ]

Well, it's a little crowded here.
Could we-

I hate to run out on you fellows,
but you can see how important this is.

Mind the children, Clarence.

Abracadabra! Boom!

The children are gonna love me
around here, aren't they?

Say, I got a little trinket here
that I whipped up for you.

- For me, sire? Hath it a name?
- Yes.

Well, in my country,
we call it a safety pin.

Wouldst sitteth down?

'Tis a strange device.
What purpose serveth it?

Well, it hath
a myriad of purposes.

For instance, uh,
do you have a handkerchief?

- A kerchief, sire?
- A kerchief, yes.

You expecting a cold?

You take, uh-
You take it like this...

over there, over there,
and this up here.

Now we take our little gadget,
you see, and...

hook it up there.

- There you are. See?
- Amazing, sire.

- Isn't it, honey?
- But to what purpose?

Huh? Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

To what purpose?

Well, in the south...

they call them Aunt Jemimas, I think.

Now, you wanna get
the little gadget off there.

You just unlatch it like that.
There you are. Presto.

- Safe, sound and simple, isn't it?
- It's a miracle.

Well, not exactly a miracle,
but certainly a very handy little gadget.

-[ Gasps ] - I didn't mean to scare
you. And that's not a miracle either.

That's just a little gadget
called a magnet...

based on an idea cooked up
by a fellow named Ben Franklin.

This is yours.

'Tis a handsome gift, sire...

but I cannot accept it.

It would not be honorable.

- You should know this, sire. I'm betrothed to Sir Lancelot.
- I did know.

- But-
- Please, honey, let me do the talking.

Sandy, I haven't been around here very
long. There's a lot of things I don't know-

how I got here,
how long I'm gonna be here-

- I do not comprehend.
- Don't try to follow me. Please. Just listen.

What I'm getting at is this: Would you
consider being betrothed to me?

- But Sir Lancelot.
- we'll get to him later.

- Do you love him?
- Lancelot is a wonderful man.

- Brave, stalwart, handsome.
- Do you love him?

A wife would be proud
of such a husband.

Do you love him?

No, Hank.

Hallelujah!

No, no. Thou must not.
'Tis most unseemly.

Why?

Dost thou not understand?
I am betrothed to Sir Lancelot.

I know. I know.

- But when does he get back?
- Perhaps a month.

Well, you leave everything to me.
I'll handle old Lance.

But I fear for thee, Hank.

Sir Lancelot's anger is known to freeze
the hearts of the most courageous.

Sandy, don't worry.
Now, please.

- Just toddle along home to the castle.
- But, Hank-

Don't you trust me, Sandy?

- Yes, I trust thee, Hank.
- Good. Here.

You forgot something.
I'll see you later.

Okay, men, shove off.

Heave ho.

Departeth.

Forward!

[Clanging ]

- Sir Boss?
- Yeah?

- I must warn thee.
- What about? Did you get the squeak out of there?

- Methinks I have, sire. Behold-
- [ Loud Screech]

Not entirely. Not entirely.

- But, sire, I must warn thee.
- Yeah?

Art occupied, blacksmith?

- Have care, sire.
- Yeah, okay. I'll fix that in a minute.

I got a cash customer here. Wait a minute.
What's on your mind, friend?

Death to a scurvy knave...

whom I shall find
before this day has ended.

Wouldst have an edge
on my w*apon!

Yes, well, you came
to the right place, friend.

I guess you'd like a little edge
on the lance too, wouldn't you?

I'll get it.

Well, don't stand there fidgeting.
Give me a lift here. Come on.

By George, big fella, you've got
your dander up today, haven't you?

Hate to be the guy
you're looking for.

[Screeches ]

In a minute. In a minute.

This man has
urgent business here.

- Somebody do you wrong?
- A grievous wrong.

Well, I can tell. When a fella's as mad
as you appear to be...

there's generally a woman
at the bottom of it, right?

- Thou art wise, blacksmith.
- Somebody stole your gal, huh?

Naturally, you're gonna
take steps-long steps.

I shall seek out
this interloper...

and be he the size
of ten giants...

and hath he the strength
and fury of a thousand lions...

I shall meet him upon the field
of honor and thrust him through...

like an ox on a spit.

Ah, but the end
shall not come swiftly.

Mark you, the death of this knave
who calleth himself Sir Boss...

shall become legend,
a warning to all...

who would covet
the betrothed of another.

I don't blame you.
If was in your spot-

Did you say “Sir Boss?”

Aye, blacksmith.
A scourge on the dog.

Well, now-
[ Clears Throat ]

Perhaps we ought to think this over
in the cool of the evening.

We don't wanna be too hasty
about these things.

- What sayest thou?
- No offence, friend.

I just don't want you to do something
that we'll both regret.

- What wouldst suggest?
- There are two sides to every question.

I suggest you sit down with this fella
and try and talk it over.

They tell me he's a fine boy.

A message for thee, sire.
'Tis from the Lady Alisande.

- It must be for you, friend.
- No, Sir Lancelot.

- 'Tis for Sir Boss here.
-[Clanging]

Sir Boss!

“Beware. Lancelot cometh.”

[ Chuckles ]
And here you are.

- If you excuse me, I have a couple of irons in the fire.
- Wait!

I hurl the gauntlet in thy face.

Good day, sire.

Good day.

Clarence, are you there?

[Screeches ]

Aye. The die is cast.

Tomorrow you joust
with Sir Lancelot.

And the one who lives shall become
the betrothed of Lady Alisande.

[Sighs]
I don't like the odds.

♪♪ [ Fanfare ]

All right, we're here, Merlin.
Show us some blood.

- Aye, blood. Sir Boss's blood.
- Anybody's blood!

I will hasten
the proceedings, my liege.

Fear not, my friend.

I have cast a magic spell
upon thy evil opponent.

I thank thee, Merlin.
I have no need for casting of spells.

[ Chuckles ]

Be of good cheer, sire.
Perhaps couldst perform a miracle.

Afraid not. With all this stuff
on it slows up my thinking.

- ♪♪ Fanfare]
- What's that?

'Tis just a minor scuffle
between two hot-blooded youths.

Sir Gareth and Sir Persant
of Wales.

Oh. A preliminary, huh?

♪♪ Fanfare]

- [Loud Clanging ]
- What's going on?

They gatherth up
Sir Persant, sire.

-[ Moaning ]
- That's tough luck, old boy.

But, sire, this man
is the winner.

Steady, sire.

Have confidence, milord.
Have courage.

Clarence, what a fella
will do for a girl.

If it wasn't for Sandy,
I'd be on my way to Connecticut right now.

Another rope, serfs.

Wait a minute.
I can't handle this. This is awful.

Let's see. If I don't go through with it,
I'm a coward, huh?

If I do go through with it,
I'm a dead hero.

Isn't there something in-between,
something conservative?

- Nay, sire.
- Nothing, eh?

[ Neighing ]

- Tex!
- Tex, milord?

Get to the king and tell him I've gotta
have a ten-minute postponement.

- Tell him I've gone for a mustard plaster. Hurry up.
- Aye, sire.

Oh-ho, you Tex.

♪♪ Fanfare]

- But he hath no armor, my liege.
- Well, it's not my fault.

What manner of lunacy is this?

No lunacy at all, friend.

Your Majesty, is there anything
in the book of rules...

which says that I have to do
my scuffling in all that scrap iron?

In truth, there is nothing
which so specifies.

Why don't we get started?

On with the-

On with the joust.

- On with the joust.
- [Man] On with the joust!

- [Man #2 ] On with the joust!
- ♪♪ Fanfare]

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Crowd Laughing ]

I was there. Where were you?

[ Crowd Laughing ]

[ Crowd Laughing ]

Get set for a fast turn, boy.

Come on, boy.
Let's trample him.

[ Shouting ]

[ Crowd Laughing ]

A neat trick, Sir Boss.

Thou hast not only
won the fair maiden...

but given me the merriest
afternoon I've had in years.

[ Sneezes ]
In years.

Thank you, sire.

- You proud, honey?
- Proud?

- Proud of my part in this unseemly spectacle?
- Oh, after all-

Proud that thou hast made a fool
out of such a noble gentleman?

Well, won, didn't I?
What do you want me to do?

- I want you to apologize to Sir Lancelot.
- Apologize?

- Yes.
- For what?

- For insulting him.
- What do you expect, me to be k*lled like a gentleman?

In truth, thou art no gentleman.

- Wait. Where are you going?
- I need to comfort Sir Lancelot.

Well, after all, sire,
it's just the rules-

Hast thou not learned there are no rules
where women are concerned?

Here, take this pill.
It will ease thy gripe.

[Banging]

- Not too close, fellas.
- Pray, sire, what art thou contriving?

Just trying to keep busy,
keep out of trouble.

I think I’ll let you fellas
in on a little secret.

See this gadget here?
That's a p*stol.

These little gimmicks-
b*ll*ts.

Stand clear. Stay right there.
I'll show you how it works.

Suppose you're out
in the woods late one night...

and a big old wolf
all of a sudden pops up in front of you.

You wouldn't be scared, would ya?

- Oh, no, you wouldn't.
- Not even a little, sire?

No, sir, because you got
your trusty p*stol with you.

All you do is just
hold it up like that...

pull back that hammer
like that, get all set, aim-

Where'd everybody go?

It's all right, fellas. You can come out now.
The big bad wolf is dead.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.

That's just a sample
of what's comin', fellas.

The world is gonna be chock-full
of miracles- useful miracles...

like the printing press,
the sewing machine, bathtubs.

- Bathtubs?
- Yeah.

[ With British Accent ] You mean
we're all gonna have to take baths?

Every single Sat- [ With British Accent ]
Every single Saturday, yes.

Greetings, milord.

Hi, Saggy. That's all, fellas.

So long. See you tomorrow.
We've got big business here.

- Goodnight, sire.
- Goodbye.

She won't see me?

Rumor hath it that Lancelot and Lady
Alisande are to be wed within the week.

But she's not in love with him.
She told me so herself.

Female paradox.

Well, this changes things.

There's an old saying in Connecticut:
“When you got to 'git', 'git.”

- Thou wouldst leave Britain?
- There's nothing to hold me here now.

- Greetings, O Mighty Sorcerer.
- [Hank ] Hello.

What's on your mind, honey?
Come in.

'Tis- 'Tis about my father.

- What about your father?
- He is sick unto death, sire.

For three days now he has lay in a bed
growing weaker and weaker.

Now, now. Has the doctor
been to see your father?

No, sire. No one.

They say he hath the plague.

The plague? Be gone, child!

- Clarence!
- Please, Sir Boss.

Thou canst help him.
Thou art a mighty wizard.

We will pay you these coins, and our pigs,
we have two of them, and a goat-

I'm afraid you've got me wrong.
I'm not, uh- Where do you live, honey?

- But, sire-
- Wait here for me.

And don't be playing around with that.
You might get hurt.

- With this toy, sire?
- Put it down!

Come along, honey.

Ridiculous that a mere trinket
should harm a grown man.

Ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.

Who is it?

- A friend, ma'am.
- A friend?

We have no friends.
Did you see the sign outside?

None may enter this house
of pestilence.

Fly, stranger,
while there is yet time.

If it's all right with you,
ma'am, I'll stay a while.

Stay then, and bless you.

- Your husband?
- My husband.

Well, I'll be careful.
I'll try not to wake him.

That you will not,
for he is dead.

[ Sobbing ]

Cry if you will, child.

A month ago
this was our family-

a fine husband,
two strapping sons...

a daughter.

Now we're alone.

Your sons, are they dead too?

Not dead, but better dead.

Years ago, the lord of the manor
planted certain fruit trees on our farm.

'Twas his right.

- His right?
- 'Tis the law, sire.

Some time ago three of those trees
were found hewn down.

Our sons ran frightened
to report the crime.

And although they themselves
were innocent...

they were accused of the crime.

Well, in His Lordship's
dungeon, there they lie.

And there they shall lie
and rot till they confess.

But such things can't be.
His Majesty wouldn't allow it.

Truly thou art a stranger.

[ Sobbing Continues ]

Cry, child.

Would I could cry with you.

- It's a masterpiece.
- A masterpiece!

It needs a touch of ermine.

Ermine and velvet?
'Twould clash, sire.

- They wouldn't be happy together.
- I want ermine!

- Oh, yes, sire.
- Yes, certainly, sire.

- Take it off.
- Yes, sire. Certainly.

- Ermine. You shall have ermine.
-[Grunts]

[Sighs]

- More hot water.
- [Man ] More hot water!

[ Man #2 ] More hot water!

- Hot water.
- Hot water!

- [Man #3 ] Hot water.
- [Man #4 ] Hot water!

Blasted incompetents.
They can't even keep the water hot.

- I don't how I've survived all these years.
- Things are bad all over.

Why don't you get wise to yourself?
Get acquainted with your people.

My people? But I see
my people every day.

I don't mean these musical
comedy personalities around the palace.

I mean your subjects.
How do you suppose they feel about you?

My boy, they love me.
On the morrow I journey to London.

All along the way my subjects will be
bowing and smiling and doffing their hats.

Did you ever happen to think that underneath
those smiles they may be hating you?

- Hating me?
- That's the word.

But why? I'm a good king,.

Good King Arthur they call me.

It may surprise you to learn that this
country is crawling with people who hate you.

Sick people, hungry people, people who
no longer hate you because they're dead.

- Why, sire, I can tell you-
- Cease! [ Groans ]

Oh, heavens, I am sick.

And it's all your fault. Young man,
I could have you hanged for this.

But you won't.
'Cause I have a feeling you believe me.

All these lies
about my subjects?

Are they lies?

I don't know. I don't know.

What, with my ill health,
how could I know anything?

If you don't know, sire,
I suggest you find out.

- Find out?
- Yes.

We could make a trip around the country.
Might open your eyes a little.

But... how 'bout my cold?

This could easily help your cold
and your country.

A miracle?

It could well be, Your Majesty.

- How worketh we this miracle?
- Well-

How does it strike you, sire?

Well, as thou sayest,
it's a... cinch?

- A cinch.
- A cinch.

I postpone my official visit
to London.

Make the trip disguised as a humble freeman
with Clarence and me along for good luck.

But dost think that any humble garb
can conceal evidence of our royal blood?

It'll take a bit of doing,
but we'll handle it.

- Till dawn, sire?
- Till dawn.

I'll only be a minute, honey.
I just wanted to say so long.

- So long?
- Goodbye.

- Thou art leaving?
- In a few hours.

- I see.
- But I had to tell you this.

I think you're doing the right thing-
about Sir Lancelot, I mean.

Why, marrying me would be
a national disaster.

Disaster, sire?

This knight business,
I'd-I'd be no good at it.

Instead of gettin' on a horse and goin' out
and polishing off a few ogres or dragons...

I'd be hanging around the house, watering
the lawn or fixing the fence or something.

And our kids would grow up
and think their daddy was a sissy...

because we'd be the only family
without a dragon's head over the fireplace.

It's better this way, honey.

You marry Sir Lancelot,
settle down...

and raise a lot of
little lords and ladies.

I hope you live
happily ever after.

Goodbye, Sandy.

So long, Hank.

[ Sniffles ]

- What thinkest thou, my boy? Do I look like a commoner?
- Well-

Well, what about this?

Yes, that helps. Better.

And this?

Here. May I?

- Thank you.
- Oh, yes, much better.

Huh.

I say, we are not alone.

These clothes seem
to be inhabited.

- [ Both ] Perfect.
- Perfect.

Shall we then?

Logris, thy men are ready?

- I could start at once, milady.
- Slowly, slowly.

We'll let our birds fly a while
before we spring the trap.

♪ La, la, la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ We're busy doing nothing
Working the whole day through ♪

- [ whistles ]
- ♪ Trying to find lots of things not to do ♪

♪ We're busy going nowhere
Isn't it just a crime ♪

♪ We'd like to be unhappy ♪

♪ But we never do
have the time ♪

♪ I have to watch the river
to see that it doesn't stop ♪

♪ And stick around the rosebuds
so they'll know when to pop ♪

♪ Better keep the
crickets cheerful ♪

♪ They're really
a solemn bunch ♪

♪ Hustle ♪

♪ Bustle ♪

- ♪ And only an hour for lunch ♪
- [ Whistles ]

♪ La, la, la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La, la, la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la ♪

Uh, shall we proceed?

♪ We're busy doing nothing
Working the whole day through ♪

♪ Trying to find
lots of things not to do ♪

♪ We're busy going nowhere
Isn't it just a crime ♪

♪ We'd like to be unhappy ♪

♪ But we never do
have the time ♪

♪ I have to wake the sun up
He's liable to sleep all day

- True.
- ♪ And then inspect the rainbows ♪

♪ So they'll be
bright and gay ♪

♪ You must rehearse
the songbirds ♪

♪ To see that they sing
in key ♪

- If you insist.
- I dost. I dost.

♪ Hustle

♪ Bustle

♪ And never a moment free ♪

- ♪ [ Whistling ]
- [ Humming ]

Whoop! Drop that bone.

♪ We're busy doing nothing
Working the whole day through

♪ Trying to find
lots of things not to do ♪

♪ We're busy going nowhere
Isn't it just a crime ♪

♪ We'd like to be unhappy ♪

♪ But we never do
have the time ♪

Going to the game?

♪ I have to meet a turtle
I'm teaching him how to swim

♪ Then I have to shine
the dewdrops ♪

- You know, they're looking rather dim.
- No.

♪ I told my friend the robin
I'd buy him a brand-new vest ♪

♪ Hustle bustle ♪

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

♪ I wish I could take a rest ♪

♪ Trying to find
lots of things not to do ♪

Isn't it just a crime?

♪ We'd better make it snappy ♪

♪ There's another hill
to climb ♪

♪ We'd like to be unhappy ♪

- ♪ But ♪
- ♪ We never do have ♪

- ♪ We never do have ♪
- ♪ We never do never do

[All] ♪ Never do, never do
never do have the time ♪

♪ Never do have the time ♪♪

- What makest thou of this, my friends?
- That's a beaut.

- Methinks 'tis from too much walking, Your Majesty.
- Yeah.

Dost realize, my friend...

that I am undoubtedly
the first of royal blood...

to possess this
strange affliction?

Future sufferers of this malady
shall know it by the name...

King Arthur's Foot.

I don't think so, sire. I think it's more
likely to be known as a bunion.

What thinkest thou? Has it been worth it
seeing your people as they are?

In truth, I know not. Their lot
is indeed a hard one, but it is a hard world.

- You've seen hunger and misery. What more do you want?
- I want a bath.

We took this trip to prove to you
that there is want and oppression.

Sir Boss! Your Majesty!

Your Majesty, Sir Boss, rise quickly.
People of quality approach.

- Where?
- Over yon hill.

Rise quickly, sire!
They come closer!

- Let 'em come. I've got a “binion.”
- No, no, it's a bunion.

You're not king now, you know.
You're just one of the fellas.

Come along.

Look down, sire,
as becomes a humble freeman.

I say, that's Bedivere.

Undoubtedly, he is taking the Lady
Bedivere to London on a shopping tour.

That's not the Lady Bedivere.

[ Laughing ]
Oh, the rogue.

Halt.

This'll make a toothsome
morsel for the court.

So thou chooseth
not to bow, peasant!

A reward for thy insolence!

You need any further proof
of injustices, Your Majesty?

- When reach we London?
- On the morrow, sire.

A village lies ahead
where we can bed for the night.

Good. On the morrow
there shall be changes.

Not a bad idea.
Let's get our stuff.

They lie hidden within, sire.

- All three asleep?
- As babes.

'Twould be a simple matter
to slit their throats.

There will be no slitting
of throats yet.

- I want them alive... now.
- Aye.

- But, sire- - Shh! Your Majesty,
it's Sir Logris and his men.

- They're gunning for you.
- [Shouts ] Gunning?

Shh. Leave out the gunning then,
but they're after you.

- We're in trouble up to our necks.
- Trouble?

- Shh! Shh!
- Shh!

Come on.

Shh.

[Both]
Shh.

- Three men thou sayest?
- Aye.

One broad and
strong as an ox...

and the one with an odd
foreign manner of speech...

and the one the who said
he was king did sneeze.

The king shall reward
thy loyalty.

By the morrow
there may be no king.

He hath need
of friends, milady.

I thank thee.

- Fetch me such clothes as a boy might wear.
- But, milady-

- Do as I bid. I journey to London.
- Yes, milady.

Our next offer,
three male slaves to be sold as a group.

What is thy bid
for this fine specimen?

A bit soft, perhaps,
yet sound of wind and limb.

- What is thy bid?
- Half a crown.

- Will anybody say five shillings?
- Five shillings?

- Who'll make it ten?
- Ten shillings.

I'm bid. Who'll make it
one pound?

One pound.

One pound.

And for this
handsome specimen...

[ Crowd Laughs ]

Who only needs good food
and hard work...

to be brought to the peak
of physical perfection?

What is thy bid?

One farthing.

Make that a pound
or I'll have thee boiled in oil!

Ten pounds for the lot.

[Auctioneer]
Ten pounds, sire?

Ten pounds. Remove them
to the sl*ve quarters.

Sold to the gentleman
with the beard...

for ten pounds.

Here, take 'em away.

Our next offer...

Is this fine specimen
of womanhood.

Sound of wind and limb.

- [Hoof beats]
- Look yonder, sire.

That's Tex.

[ Guard ]
Move along.

That youth,
doth he not seem familiar?

That's no youth, Saggy.

[Auctioneer]
Who'll make it three pounds?

Who'll make it three pounds?
Do I hear three pounds?

-'Tis I, sire.
- Go back, Sandy. You'll only get in trouble here.

- Not go back. I came to help thee.
- Honey, this is no place for you.

- But, Hank- - I would add the
Lady Alisande to our collection.

- I'm not without friends. I'll return soon.
- Wait a minute. She- He-

Forward, slaves! Move on!

Greetings, O Noble King.

Oh, do not rise, sire.
Nor any of thee.

Perceive this monumental joke.

My king would see his people
as they really are.

So what am I,
his devoted servant, to do?

Why, help him of course.

Help him to see the miserable heart
of his domain...

not as a freeman,
not as a serf...

but as a sl*ve.

Yes, my king
shall be a sl*ve...

and all his friends too.

They shall journey
to the mines of Devon...

there to work and rot...

and eventually to die.

Sleep well, all of you.

You leave on the morrow.

Nice guy.

Are you asleep, honey?

Mm-mmm. I cannot sleep...

knowing that tonight
is the end of everything.

Oh, no. Don't you remember
the book and what it says?

“Love once, but love
always and forever.”

♪♪ [ Humming ]

You shouldn't have come here, honey.
You'd be safe in Camelot.

But in Camelot
I'd not be content.

You mean you're content here?

Whatever happens,
we're together.

- You really mean that, don't you, honey?
- Yes, Hank.

Now and for always.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

♪ Don't you know ♪

♪♪ [ Humming ]

♪ Always isn't too much time

Oh, that's so true.
Don't you ever forget it either.

I won't, Hank.

- Are you comfortable?
- Mm-hmm.

♪ Once and for always ♪

♪ Let’s say that it's agreed ♪

♪ Wishing days are over ♪

♪ This is all we need ♪

♪ And tonight ♪

♪ We'll notify the stars ♪

♪ Above ♪

♪ That once ♪

♪ And for always ♪

♪ And no less

♪ Than always

♪ You and I will be

♪♪ [ Humming ]

♪ In love ♪♪

[ Footsteps]

[ Gasps]

[ Grunts]

If we get separated,
get the p*stol in the blacksmith shop.

- Aye, sire.
- Come on, honey.

- Hank. Wait, please.
- What's that?

I've a strange foreboding.

After this night
I'll not see thee again.

Oh, don't talk like that.

You take this, Hank.
And whenever you look upon it...

- remember thy love in Camelot.
- [ King Arthur Sneezes [

- His Majesty.
- Let's get out of this.

Who goes yonder? Who goes?

Guard! Guard!

We best run, Your Majesty.

Evil tidings, milord.

Sagramore has escaped,
k*lling a guard in the process.

Hmm. He'll make for Camelot.

- Send men to overtake him.
- Aye, sire.

And remove the girl
to my tower.

- And the other two prisoners?
- The other two?

Ah, yes. Logris, I would have
thee remind the king...

of a law which he himself did
place upon the statute books.

- What law, sire?
- If one sl*ve of a household be guilty of m*rder...

then all male slaves
of the same household-

Shall die with him.

[ Crowd Chattering ]

[ Crowd Cheering ]

Bring on the first prisoner.

- I have but one wish.
- Yeah?

To catch this blasted flea
before I die.

How much longer
wouldst thou say?

The man said noon.
It's about noon now.

- [Axe Banging ]
- [Woman Screams]

- [ Crowd Cheers]
- [ Guard] Move.

Do you suppose I shall
have to remove my comforter?

Oh, no, you'll catch cold again.

Supposeth thou could extract
another miracle from thy book of wonders?

- [Axe Banging ]
- [Crowd Gasps ]

[ Crowd Cheers]

It'd take an awful big stunt
to get us out of this.

It'd take just about
the biggest-

Wait a minute.
If I remember right-

- What day is this?
- The 21st day of June in the year 528.

I think then, sire,
I have your miracle.

- I sit a big one?
- Oh, it's a whopper.

- [Axe Banging ]
- ♪ Here's where I make a comeback

[ Crowd Cheering ]

After you, my friend.
Please don't stand on ceremony.

[ Chuckles ]

Step aside, please.
I have a few words to say.

- My dear friends-
- What manner of nonsense is this?

Die in humility
as becomes a sl*ve.

That's the old routine.
The trouble is we're not slaves.

- Then who art thou?
- Sir Boss...

- magician to King Arthur here.
- [Crowd Laughing ]

Maker of miracles,
the mightiest wizard of them all.

Now listen, all of you.
Unless the king and ...

and the rest of these prisoners
are freed immediately...

I shall blot out the sun
and it will never shine again.

[ Chuckling ]

All right. Very well.
You asked for it then.

Now with a few
well-chosen words...

I shall blot out
the sun forever.

Walla Walla, Washington.

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.

New York, New Haven and
Hartford leaving on track-

[Sing-songy ]
Perth Amboy.

[ Woman Screams ]

[ Crowd Gasps ]

Save us, O Mighty Sorcerer!
Save us!

Bring back the sun!

[Man ] I beseech thee!

- [ Woman ] Release the sorcerer in heaven's name!
- Release him! Release him!

Stay this calamity.
I would rather die by the axe.

I'm sorry.
Even I can't stop this show.

- [Woman ] Free him!
- [Man ] Release him!

Free him!

- Set the prisoners free!
- The lord mayor speaketh.

Set the prisoners free!

Very well. Hold it.

This is Sir Boss again.
You can come out now.

Olley, olley oxen free.

All right, release us.
Release His Majesty here.

- Release all these prisoners.
- How can I thank thee?

Show me how to get
to Merlin's tower.

'Tis on the Inland Lake 'twixt in Camelot.
Thou wouldst go there alone, unarmed?

Sandy's alone and unarmed, isn't she?
Wish me luck, sire.

Come on. Release the king.
See you later.

Sir Boss.

- The king, is he- - Safe and sound
in London. Did you bring the p*stol?

- Aye, sir. Where goest thou?
- Sandy's in Merlin's tower.

Be not rash.
Let me come with thee.

Thanks, but you'd never
be able to keep up on that nag.

Clarence, if anything happens, it's been
nice knowing you. [ Clicks Tongue ]

'Tis our friend
come to pay us a call.

Something's gone wrong.

Whatever's gone wrong
will soon be right again.

Lower the drawbridge.
See that the girl is placed in the courtyard.

In plain view. Understand?

Aye, sire.

[ Dog Growls ]

[ Barking ]

Hank, go back!
Flee for your life!

[ Barking ]

[ Gasps]
Hank!

Hank, thou must not leave me!

- Thou must not leave me!
- Sandy.

[Sobs]

Well, that's it.

When I came to,
I was back in Connecticut.

And Old Man Miller, he come looking
for Tex, was kneeling over me.

- And Sandy?
- Sandy?

Never saw her again.

Well-

Young man, the view
from the east parapet...

is particularly lovely
at this time of the afternoon.

- Yes, sir.
- The east parapet, mind you.

My niece is usually there
about this time.

Thank you, sir, and goodbye.

[ Door Closes ]

I beg your pardon, uh-

[ Gasps]

Sandy!

How did you know my name?

I'm glad you asked me.

Won't you sit down?

This may take a little time.

♪ Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho ♪♪