07x04 - Weekend at Ferdinand's

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

♪ Sometimes the world
Looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you get a feeling
Like you need ♪

♪ Some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what
The odds are this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s going to stand
In my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart
And a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
A light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall
On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall
On the wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder
The wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days
It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ Nothing’s going to stop
Me now ♪

Balki, I have great news!

What is all this?

Cousin, you know
it’s mama’s soon.

And I want to get her
really special birthday present
this year.

So, I had to get
a part‐time job.

I’m a bear stuffer!

[audience laughing]

And this is my bear‐stuffing
jamboree!

‐[sarcastically] That’s great.
‐Well, it’s better than great.

It’s fun, it’s wacky and it’s
not as easy as it looks.

You have to pay attention
every second.
For instance,

one of these bears has
half of my Snickers bar in it.

[audience laughing]

‐Balki!
‐Yes, yes, it’s hard work

but it’s worth it knowing that
I’m bringing joy
to little children.

All right, Balki, forget about
bringing joy to little children.

I have got us a part‐time job
that is going to make us rich!

This afternoon
I interviewed L. Bob Frederick,

President and CEO
of Clean For Life.

Get out of the city!
I know who’s L. Bob Frederick.

He was on the cover
of Cheez Whiz magazine!

[audience laughing]

Not Cheez Whiz magazine,

Biz Whiz magazine.

[audience laughing]

Balki, L. Bob Frederick
told me that he finally found
in me...

A salesman who could sell
their Clear For Life
Home Hygiene System.

You’re not gonna believe
this stuff, Balki.

This... is a miracle!

[audience laughing]

You guys are gonna have
to stuff yourselves for a while.

[audience laughing]

Here it is. This stuff puts
the lean in clean.

It puts the spark in sparkle.

Does it put the hiney in shiny?

[audience laughing]

Yes, it does.

Cousin, this miracle
looks an awful lot
like a bottle of soap.

[audience laughing]

Balki, you have no vision.

Well, I did have pink eye once
but I...
[audience laughing]

I think it’s all cleared up

Balki, when you look
at this bottle of soap
you see a bottle of soap.

‐That is correct.
‐When I look at this bottle
of soap

I see cars,
yachts, beach houses!

[audience laughing]

I don’t see any of that.
[audience laughing]

Cousin, I see something.
It’s getting bigger...

And bigger... Cousin, it’s you!

[audience laughing]

Balki, this miracle product
combined with this marvel
of technology, the Omni‐Sweep,

will revolutionize
the way we think of dirt.

You know, when I think of dirt
I think of the floor
in Mama’s kitchen,

hard‐packed and you can eat
an omelet off it.

[audience laughing]

But let’s get back
to your incredible vision.

Can you tell me which of those
bears has my Snickers in it?

[audience laughing]

Balki, your bear‐stuffing days
are over.

I’m not gonna ride
the Clean For Life gravy train
without you.

You mean
we’re going to be partners?

Well, sixty‐forty but partners,
sure,

‐Oh Cousin, you are too kind.
‐You take the sixty.

If it’ll make you happy.
[audience laughing]

[theme music playing]

All right, now, before we start
making huge sums of money

we’ve got to go over
the finer points of selling.

Sure, Cousin,
what would you like to know?

[laughing]

Balki, Balki, Balki...
[audience laughing]

I already know everything
there is to know about selling.

I stayed up all night reading
the Clean For Life handbook,

"Knock Knock, I’m There."
[audience laughing]

"A Guide
to Door‐to‐Door Selling",
by L. Bob Frederick.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You are not ready for the book.

I want to read the book.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Balki, if it were up to me

I would let you see the book,

but L. Bob gave explicit
instructions not to let
you see the book.

He said that it contains
mind‐control information which,

in the wrong hands,
could be dangerous.

[audience laughing]

I will tell you everything
you need to know about selling.

Now, there are two basic rules
to selling.

Get your foot in the door
and get the money,
get the money, get the money.

[audience laughing]

Cousin, that seems to me
to be four rules.

However, I’m not allowed
to read the book!

[mocking] Oh no! Oh no, no, no!
Oh no, no, no!

Balki,
you don’t need to read the book,

L. Bob said that everything
you need to know about selling

is printed on this little card.

L. Bob actually said that
I was allowed to read the card?

[audience laughing]

‐Yes, he did.
‐Did...
Did he actually use my name?

Yes, he said,
Balki should read this card.

[audience laughing]

Now, I think it would be helpful
if we did a little practice run.

Good.
[chuckles]

[audience laughing]

Now, you pretend
to be the salesman.

I will pretend
to be the customer.

Cousin, when you were talking
to L. Bob, how did my name
come up?

I mean...

‐Get outside.
‐Okay.

Here’s the card.

Balki.
[audience laughing]

Yeah?
[audience laughing]

‐Knock.
‐What?

‐Knock, knock.
‐Who’s there?

[audience laughing]

Oh!

[audience laughing]

[doorbell rings]

Read the card.

[speaking gibberish]

Can I interest you in
a revolutionary way
to clean your home?

‐No.
‐Okay, bye.

[audience laughing]

‐Where are you going?
‐Well, I’m going back
to bear‐stuffing.

‐I stink at selling.
‐No, no, no, no.

Come back inside.
Okay, I see the problem.
Okay, I see the problem.

Okay. Listen, sit down.

See, when I said, "No",
you thought I meant no.

‐Yes.
‐No.

[audience laughing]

You see, to a good salesman
no means yes.

‐You understand?
‐Yes... and no,

[audience laughing]

‐When you say, "No..."
‐Yes.

‐...do you mean yes?
‐No.

[audience laughing]

But, but, then why, but,
but when, when you say, "No",
you don’t mean yes?

No. I mean no.

No, see, when a customer says,
"No", they mean yes.

When I say "No", I mean no.

[audience laughing]

Let me try to put this together.

‐When, when you’re being
the customer, no means yes.
‐Yes.

‐When you’re being Cousin Larry,
no means no.
‐Yes.

‐When you look at a bottle
of soap, you see a yacht.
‐Yes.

[audience laughing]

[sobbing]

Okay, Balki, I think
this little outburst proves

‐that you are not ready
to read the book.
‐I’m fine.

I think maybe by the time
we go once around
the neighborhood,

I’ll have the hang
of this door‐to‐door selling.

Balki, we are not going to go
once around the neighborhood.

‐No?
‐No.

And I mean no.

Balki, in this neighborhood,
we could go to a thousand doors
and make one sale.

A good salesman goes to one door
and makes a thousand sales.

We are going to sell
this product to Lenora Dumont.

[exclaiming]
Lenora Dumont?
Lenora Dumont?

‐Yes.
‐Never heard of her.

Well, I have.
I interviewed her last month.

She owns the Dumont
chain of hotels.

Balki, we are going to make her
the Queen of Clean.

We are about to make
salesman history.
Are you with me?

‐No!
‐[audience laughing]

Balki, get in here.

[singing Lone Ranger theme song]

‐Hi‐Yo, Omni‐Sweep!
‐[audience laughing]

All right, Balki,
this is not fun and games.

‐Whatever you say, Kemo Sabe.
‐[audience laughing]

All right, now,

when Mrs. Dumont gets here,
let me do all the talking.

You just remember
rule number two: Get the money,
get the money, get money.

Cousin, I still think that’s
rules two through four.

[audience laughing]

Maybe it’s explained
in the book.

However,
I’m not allowed to see the book.

[mocking]
Oh, no, no! Oh, no, no, no, no!

‐Good afternoon.
‐Good afternoon, Mrs. Dumont.

‐You’re looking well.
‐Thank you.
Who are you?

[audience laughing]

Larry Appleton
from the Chronicle. Remember?

[stammering]
I interviewed you last month.
Four columns? Nice picture.

We, we had lunch
on your terrace.

Cold salmon,
asparagus with dill sauce,
and you showed me, uh, pictures

‐of, of little Malcolm
and Cecily?
‐No.

Cousin Larry spilled gazpacho
on your lap?

‐[gasps] Now I remember.
‐[audience laughing]

I’m terribly sorry, uh,
did you get my flowers?

Yes, I gave them to the maid.

As I recall, you wrote
a very nice article
about my art collection.

‐Oh, well, thank you.
‐So, I suppose you’re here
to do a follow‐up piece.

Are you interested in my Monet?

Yes, we’re here
to get the Monet, get the Monet,
get the Monet,

[audience laughing]

Uh... [clears throat]

Uh, this is, uh, my associate,
Balki Bartokomous.

[nervous chuckle] Oh...

[audience laughing]

[Larry chuckling embarrassingly]

Y... You’ll, uh,
you’ll have to excuse him.

He’s from a very small island
with a defective gene pool.

[audience laughing]

Well, the real story
is the portrait I’m having
painted by Renaldo Ricardo.

Did you hear that, Balki?
Renaldo Ricardo!

Renaldo Ricardo?
I love him!

Why would he never let Lucy
in his show?

[audience laughing]

And what was the basis
of his friendship with Fred?

They had absolutely nothing
in common.

‐[audience laughing]
‐Renaldo Ricardo
is a world‐famous artist.

He’s painted all the members
of the Royal Family.

And when he finishes
with this one,

it will hang in the portrait
gallery of the Chicago
Art Institute.

‐What a beautiful painting!
‐[chuckles]

Oh, Cousin,
this guy is really good!

You can’t even see
any of the numbers.

[audience laughing]

[laughing embarrassingly]

[clears throat] Mrs. Dumont,
uh, we are not here
about the painting

We are here to sell
you a miracle product.

‐I beg your pardon?
‐"Hello, busy homemaker.

We’re here to make
your housecleaning chores
a joy and a pleasure.

May we come in?

Get foot in door."

[audience laughing]

I’m telling L. Bob.

[audience laughing]

[both grunting]

[both] Hi.

Mrs. Dumont, we represent
the Clean for Life
Home Hygiene System.

We have over two hundred
varieties of cleaners and spot
and stain removers. Balki.

Hello, busy homemaker.
We’re here to make
your housecleaning chores a joy.

Give me the bottle.
Give me the bottle.

‐Oh.
‐[nervous chuckle]

It’s as simple
as shake and shine.

I’m sure with three hotels
you use a lot
of cleaning products.

Look, you’ll have to excuse me,

I don’t have time
for any of this,

‐and please leave my house.
‐Wait, wait, wait.

‐You, you don’t want
to buy anything?
‐No!

No! Did you hear that, Cousin?
Oh, boy, this is great!

This no means yes stuff
is really starting
to make sense to me.

When do we get our money,
get our money, get our money?

‐[audience laughing]
‐[grumbling]

[chuckling nervously]

Mrs. Dumont, uh, if you would
just give a us a moment to show
you some of our‐‐

[shouts]

The maid will clean it up!
Don’t be here when I get back!

‐Let’s get outta here.
‐Cousin, no. We made this mess,
we got to clean it up.

Balki, that’s a brilliant idea!

Well, Cousin,
I, I can’t take all the credit.

You yourself said we were going
to clean up in here.

[audience laughing]

No, Balki, I mean
this is a golden opportunity
to show Mrs. Dumont

exactly what the Clean For Life
system is all about.

When she gets back, we’ll have
this place spotless!
Bring me the Omni‐Sweep.

I think this calls
for Solvent Number Nine!

Balki, this will be as simple
as shake and shine!

‐Cousin, just a second‐‐
‐I don’t have time,
I don’t have time for this.

‐Cousin, no, no, no,
listen to me.
‐I met with L. Bob Frederick.

I read the book.
I know what I’m doing.

Fine.
‐[audience laughing]

‐I suppose you were going
to tell me to tighten the cap.
‐Yes.

[audience laughing]

But perhaps that
wasn’t covered in the book.

[audience laughing]

Oh, God!
I hope we didn’t hurt it.

Oh, now, now, Cousin,
look, don’t fly off
your love handles,

Cousin, the wall is fine.
Lucky for us, the Ricardo
painting was in the way.

[audience laughing]

All right, Balki,
I hope we didn’t ruin
the painting.

Just,
just help me take this off.

[both sigh in relief]

That was close. All right,
I’ll just clean up the carpet
and then we’re outta here.

Boy, Mrs. Dumont must have
had this little mole removed
after the painting was done.

‐What mole?
‐Little mole right over here.

Balki, that’s not a mole!
It’s a spot of cleaning fluid!

[hyperventilating]
Oh, okay, all right!
Don’t panic!

[audience laughing]

All right, all right, all right.
Balki, okay, okay, okay.
All right, all right.

I’ll just carefully remove
the little speck
of cleaning fluid.

[audience laughing]

Oh, God! I took off
the end of her nose!

[panting]

Well, if you ask me, Cousin,
it looks a whole lot better,

‐[audience laughing]
‐We gotta fix it!

[gasping]

[humming]

Cousin, Cousin, Cousin, Cousin.
Articulate the cartilage.

[audience laughing]

Now, get, get in there
with some highlights.

Some highlights.
Uh, Some highlights.

And some, some, uh,
some shadow, shadow.

[audience laughing]

‐What do you think?
‐It stinks.

All right, all right,
here, here.
I’ll just...

‐Ooh!
‐Oh... God!

I made it worse!
[shouts] All right,
what are we gonna do?

‐What are we gonna do?
‐Now listen to me.

‐What are we gonna do?
‐Listen to me, listen to me,
listen to me.

[audience laughing]

‐I can paint, right?
‐Yes, you can.

‐I can fix this, right?
‐Yes, you can.

‐I can save us, right?
‐Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you!

‐Can I read the book?
‐Okay, all right, all right,
yes, yes, yes!

‐You can read the book!
‐Can you get me
an autographed copy?

Just shut up
and fix the painting!

[audience laughing]

All right,
now first things first.

[audience exclaims in shock]

[audience laughing]

Now, what did she look like?

[audience laughing]

[screaming in shock]

All right, all right, all right.
Now hold it. Just hold it.

Hand down, please.
Hand down, please, and, uh,

give me a little smile.
Give me a little smile.

Just hold that.

[audience laughing]

Hold that.

[audience clapping]

Did your Mama get
the birthday present
you sent her?

Yes, she did.
She loved her
Clean For Life products.

She has the cleanest mud hut
on the island.

[audience laughing]

Well, we better get going.
We don’t want to be late
for Mrs. Dumont’s party.

‐Mmm. [chuckles]
‐She really was
very understanding, wasn’t she?

Oh, yes, she was.
I hope tonight’s party
don’t go too late.

Look at the bright side,
only another six more months
of parking cars...

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

...and we’ll have paid off
the carpet and the painting.

[closing theme music playing]