07x15 - Going Once, Going Twice

[bunniefuu]

[theme song]

♪ Sometimes the world
looks perfect ♪

♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
get a feeling ♪

♪ Like you need
some kind of change ♪

♪ No matter what the odds are
this time ♪

♪ Nothing’s gonna stand
in my way ♪

♪ This flame in my heart ♪

♪ Like a long lost friend ♪

♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪

♪ Standing tall ♪
♪ Standing tall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Wings of my dream ♪

♪ Rise and fall ♪
♪ Rise and fall ♪

♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
♪ Wings of my dream ♪

♪ The rain and thunder ♪

♪ The wind and haze ♪

♪ I’m bound for better days ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ It’s my life and my dream ♪

♪ And nothing’s gonna
stop me now ♪

[instrumental music]

Oh!

Helloo‐oo!

Cousin, do you think these
oranges are scratch ’n’ sniff?

Will you stop it? Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

You begged me to let you
come along to this auction

and I said you could come
as long as you obeyed the rules.

Now what are the rules?

Don’t touch anything

don’t say anything,
don’t do anything.

Those are the rules.

And a fine set of rules
they are.

Oh, look, cousin, wind chimes.

W‐will you stop it?

‐I‐I‐I...
‐Stop it! Stop it, please!

Look at all this stuff, cousin.

They’re gonna have to move
some of this out

if they want to have an auction.

Balki, these are the things
that are going to be auctioned.

All the worldly goods
of the late Howell Thurston

waiting to be sold.

They’re gonna sell all of his
stuff just because he’s late?

‐That hardly seems fair.
‐Mm‐hmm.

[gasps]
Oh!

No, Balki, he’s dead.

Well, if he’s dead...

...there’s a very small chance
he’ll ever show up.

Now, cousin, look at this.

‐Now I‐I like bronze.
‐Mm‐hmm.

But you know, with bronze

you’ve got to polish,
polish, polish.

See right there?

[spits]

‐I...
‐Don’t spit on her thigh.

But she has...
She was...

Oh, oh, cousin,
no, no, no, no.

Cousin, not again.

We‐we’re nowhere near
any power tools.

Please, listen‐‐

Balki...

Mr. Thurston was a very rich man

who d*ed without any relatives

and for some reason
Mr. Wainwright thought

that this auction would make
a very interesting story.

Well, of course, it would make
an interesting story.

Auctions always do.

You know, we have auctions
on Mypos.

We call them Toejamiki Tomdicari
Viciversi Oomh Oomh Gari.

Toejamiki Tomdicari
Viciversi Oomh Oomh Gari?

Yes, it means, "One man’s socks
are another man’s mittens."

‐Fascinating.
‐Hmm.

Oh, cousin. Cousin, look,
they have refreshments.

We better...
We better get ours now.

It don’t look like
there’s enough to go around.

[grunts]
No! Stop it! Stop it!

Balki, these are not
refreshments.

This is wine to be sold.

And it’s estimated
to be worth over $20,000!

[scoffs]
You know, a person would have
to be out of his mind

to pay $20,000
for a bottle of wine.

Well, it still makes more sense
than bottled water.

I mean, that is a concept
I will never understand.

We are about to begin.

Please take your seats.

I’d like to help,
but my hands are tied.

[Balki laughing]

The first item to be auctioned

is this bottle of Chateau Lafite
wine, vintage 1811.

Get out of the city!

‐We buy our wine at 7‐11.
‐Shut up!

‐Cousin, I‐I‐I was wanting‐‐
‐Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Or you’ll have to wait
in the car.

I’ll be good.

The minimum bid
on this item is $11,000.

Would anyone care
to open the bidding?

’Eleven thousand.
Do I have twelve?’

Twelve thousand dollars.
Do I hear thirteen?

Cousin,
why is he pointing at people?

It’s a bit confrontational,
don’t you think?

No, Balki,
those people are bidding.

They are not bidding,
not one of them

has thrown a pig in the air.

No, Balki, bidding here is a
little different than on Mypos.

These people are bidding by
making small, little gestures.

Here, watch the man
in the red tie.

[male #1]
’Fourteen thousand five hundred.
Do I have fifteen?’

Did you see him bid?

No, I‐I just saw him
flick his nose like that.

Fifteen thousand.

Do I have fifteen five?

You see, every little gesture

tells the auctioneer
that you are bidding.

See, the woman in the blue dress

is bidding by tugging
on her ear, like this.

Fifteen thousand five hundred!

Do I have sixteen?

Yeah, I’m sort of an expert
in this area.

I once used the men’s room
at Sotheby’s.

[male #1]
’Sixteen thousand.
Do I have sixteen five?’

There are as many ways to bid as
there are people in this room.

You could rub your chin.

You mean like this?

Sixteen thousand five hundred.

Do I have seventeen? Seventeen?

Or you could
scratch your head.

Seventeen thousand.
Do I have eighteen?

Or you could make a pig nose.

Eighteen thousand!

’Do I have nineteen?’

‐Balki, don’t.
‐Nineteen, anyone?

Nineteen?

Nineteen thousand.
Do I have twenty?

‐That was close.
‐W‐why can’t I move?

Because when you made
your pig nose

the auctioneer thought
you were bidding.

Oh, come on.
Give me a line of credit.

He thought I was bidding
because I did this?

Twenty thousand! Do I have
twenty‐one thousand?

Don’t do that.
Uh, excuse me!

Twenty‐one thousand!

Going once, going twice...

Sold for twenty‐one thousand
to the man in the blue tie.

Oh, my Lord!

[instrumental music]

Cousin, just, just don’t move.

Okay, just hold on a second.

Hold on. Hold on,
hold on, hold on.

Okay, okay,
now, just be, uh, just...

Cousin, cousin, cousin

Come in and walk
on the pillows, okay?

Walk on the pillows.

’Walk on the pillows.’

‐Walk on the what?
‐Walk on the pillows.

[both grunting]

[panting]

Balki, be more careful.

Me be more careful?

I’m the one you made sit
on the hood of the car

waving off oncoming traffic.

I’m sorry,
but I had to protect the wine.

Well, you could have slowed down
when I fell off.

‐I don’t want to argue‐‐
‐Look, cousin...

That always gets you
off the hook.

Thank you very much, alright?
Fine.

What we’re going to do now

is just put the bottle down...

...and find a safe place
to keep it.

You know what, cousin?
On Mypos what we do, we‐‐

Balki, I usually don’t care
what you do on Mypos.

And today, I care even less.

Well, I was just going to say
that on Mypos

we store the bottles
on their sides

so that the cork don’t dry out.

Oh.

W‐we do that here too.

Would you,
would you like to know

what we do
with the sacred straw?

No.

Alright. Now, where
is a good place to keep it?

Cousin! Cousin! Cousin!

[both sigh]

There’s one thing
that really worries me.

What’s that?

I don’t think this table
is completely level.

‐Let’s see.
‐No!

Alright. That’s it.

We are not letting
this bottle out of our hands

until we find a safe place
to put it.

Oh!

Will you stop it?

Don’t do that.

‐Hey!
‐Oh!

You know what we can do?

We can wait till Jennifer
and Mary Anne come home

and maybe they’ll have an idea
where we can put it.

Balki, if Jennifer finds out

I paid $21,000
for a bottle of wine

she will k*ll me
for being stupid.

If she was going to k*ll you
for being stupid

you would have been dead
long ago.

[no audio]

What I mean is we are not going
to tell Jennifer

anything about this.

What we have to do
is find a safe place

to hide the wine
for the weekend.

The auction is continuing
on Monday.

We will take the wine back
and resell it.

And you will have successfully
deceived your wife yet again.

Exactly.

Oh, I’ve got it!

We’ll hide the wine
in the liquor cabinet.

Cousin, you are a genius!

‐Ooh!
‐Ooh!

‐Balki! Don’t do that!
‐Cousin, okay.

Alright, just help me get the
wine over to the liquor cabinet.

Okay. Cousin, cousin,
I’m going to cushion your walk.

‐Okay?
‐F‐fine. Fine. Okay.

‐I’m going to cushion it.
‐Alright, here we go.

And everything’s going to be
just honki‐doriki.

Alright, carefully, carefully.

Okay, okay, okay.
Look, right there. See that?

‐Okay. Alright, I got it.
‐Okay. And then right there.

‐Got it. Got it.
‐Okay? I’ve got this one.

I’ve got this one.
I’ve got this one.

‐Okay? And right there.
‐Okay. Fine. Alright, yeah.

‐And then I... Okay?
‐Okay. Okay, good.

‐And then this one right here.
‐We’re doin’ fine.

‐We’re doin’ fine.
‐And...

[yelps]

Alright, alright!
No, no, no!

Okay, okay, you walk,
I’ll move the pillows, okay?

‐’Okay.’
‐One foot at a time.

‐Okay.
‐One foot, here we go.

‐Take a step. Take a step.
‐Okay. Alright.

‐Alright, alright. Okay.
‐I’ll move the pillows.

Take‐take it easy. Take it easy.

’There you go. Come on.
Come on, next foot.’

Next foot. Good! Good!
Alright. Alright.

I got you, I got you!

‐Go ahead! One more...
‐Yeah. Oh!

‐Careful! Careful!
‐Okay, okay, okay, okay.

‐Next step. You got it.
‐’Okay. Okay.’

‐Okay, okay, fine.
‐Alright, alright.

‐Oh, oh, oh.
‐Careful! Careful!

‐Okay, here we go. Alright.
‐Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

‐Alright. Move back.
‐Okay.

‐Move back. Here we go.
‐Okay.

‐Okay.
‐Okay, alright.

‐Oh. Ah!
‐Okay. Alright.

Where’s the wine?

Right over there.

‐It’s right here. Here.
‐No! Oh!

[both]
Don’t do that.

‐Okay, here, hold this.
‐Um, alright.

No one ever goes
in the liquor cabinet.

The only thing in here
is an old bottle

of Creme de Menthe
my brother Billy gave me

for a wedding present.

You know, this still steams me.

No thought went into this gift.

[panting]

It’s the same bottle
I gave him for his birthday.

Alright, give me the wine.

‐Where’s the wine?
‐Right here.

[grunting]

[both]
Don’t do that.

I‐I...
There’s hair here, you know.

Not any more.

Alright, now...

We’ll just hide the key
...right here.

[key clanks]

It would take a psychic
to find that key.

Well, when he gets here

maybe he can tell us
who is going to be chosen queen

of this year’s
Mypos Fertilizer Festival.

Mypos Fertilizer Festival?

Yes, it’s next week.

Mama runs the cow patty fling...

...and, uh, traditionally
the whole island then plays

Pin The Fly On The Dungheap.

[instrumental music]

[thunder rumbling]

That was a good idea
you had about these raincoats.

You know, we should wear them
every time it rains.

Okay.

Uh, you know,
the boys will be home soon.

We’d better get dinner started.

Oh, I hope Balki
likes the beef burgundy dinner

I’m making tonight.

Well, you know what they say,
Mary Anne.

"The way to a man’s heart
is through his stomach."

I don’t know about that.

My uncle had a triple bypass

and they went right
through his chest.

Were you ever on a flight
where they lost cabin pressure?

Oh, lots of times.

Oh, I forgot to get the wine!

We’re gonna have to go back
out in the rain.

Oh, maybe not, uh,
Larry’s brother, Billy

gave us a bottle of something
for our wedding.

Well, that’s funny,
the liquor cabinet is locked

and I have no idea
where the key is.

How did you know where it was?

I don’t know.

Sometimes these things
just come to me.

I also know that someone
named Machdala

is going to be crowned
queen of something

called the Fertilizer Festival.

Ah! We’re in luck! We don’t have
to go back out in the rain.

Wow, this wine is really old!

I hope it’s still good enough
to cook with!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

‐Mmm.
‐Mmm!

Mary Anne, this is the best food
I’ve ever had

without pig parts.

Thank you, Balki.

Balki’s right,
it tastes great.

Less filling.

What exactly is in it?

Oh, it’s just beef simmered
in a red wine sauce.

‐Oh!
‐Mmm.

It was almost
just simmered beef.

We forgot to buy the wine.

[both chuckle]

But we looked around
and found some.

[both screaming]

You were right. Too much pepper.

Cousin, cousin, cousin, cousin,
it’s okay. Everything’s okay.

The cabinet is still locked.

[panting]

Larry, why do you have
the liquor cabinet locked?

The only thing in there
is some Creme de Menthe

and an old bottle of wine.

You found the wine?

[both]
They found the wine!

[both]
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Mary Anne, how could you cook

with a bottle of wine
from the liquor cabinet?

This is all your fault!

How could you let me hide
the wine in the liquor cabinet?

Excuse me, it was your idea

to hide the wine
in the liquor cabinet!

And it was also your idea
to put the key in the vase!

I never should have let you go
to the auction to begin with.

You are nothing but trouble.

Oh, is that right, Mr. Mayor
of the Munchkin City?

We welcome you to Munchkinland.

Guys. She didn’t cook
with the wine.

[both]
Oh!

I’m sorry about
the "Wizard Of Oz" thing.

We couldn’t find a corkscrew
so we went next door

and borrowed some wine
from the Finleys.

Why are you acting so crazy
over an old bottle of wine?

W‐well, uh, Jen,
i‐i‐it’s simple.

Uh...w‐w‐we went to an auction,
Balki made a pig nose

and I bought a bottle of wine
for $21,000.

[gasps]

Okay.

But I admit
we did something stupid

but everything
is going to be okay.

‐Excuse me, excuse me.
‐I promise, I promise‐‐

We did something stupid?

I believe I had the intelligence
to stop bidding at $20,000.

Twenty thousand dollars?

Mm‐hmm.

[instrumental music]

[male #1]
’Forty thousand dollars.’

Going once, going twice...

Sold for $40,000.

Did you hear that, Balki?

Forty thousand dollars
for a necklace.

What a waste of money.

Well, you could say that again.

They could have bought
two bottles

of your wine
for that much money.

Our next item
is this very fine bottle

of 1811 Chateau Lefite Bordeaux.

We are asking an opening bid
of $11,000.

We have got to get $21,000

for this bottle of wine
or I am a dead man.

Cousin, Jennifer won’t k*ll you.

She’ll leave you,
but she won’t k*ll you.

I have eleven thousand.
Do I have twelve?

’Do I have
twelve thousand dollars?’

’Twelve? Do I have twelve?’

Twelve thousand.
Is there thirteen?

Thirteen thousand.
Is there fourteen?

Balki, this isn’t going
as well as I thought.

I’m going to
have to do something.

Fourteen thousand.
Is there fifteen?

Cousin, what are you doing?
Y‐you’re bidding on the wine?

You already own the wine!

Balki, there’s only one
other person bidding.

I’m just trying to get
the price up to $21,000

so I don’t lose any money.

Fifteen thousand.
Do I hear sixteen?

Sixteen thousand.

Seventeen.
Is there eighteen?

Eighteen. Nineteen anyone?

Nineteen.
Do I have twenty thou...

’Twenty thousand dollars.’

‐’Twenty‐one thousand dollars.’
‐Yes! Yes!

Do I hear twenty‐two?

’Twenty‐two thousand dollars!’

’Do I hear twenty‐three?’

Balki, what are you doing?

Well, I just kind of
got caught up

in the excitement of the moment.

Well, don’t move.

‐Excuse me.
‐I have twenty‐three!

‐Do I have twenty‐four?
‐No, no.

’The bidding stands at
twenty‐three thousand...’

Balki, he stopped bidding.

Cousin, maybe he doesn’t
want it, maybe we’ll get it!

[grunting]

I have $23,000.

Are there any further bids?

What have you done?

Cousin, if you’d just let
the oxygen get to my brain

I think I can help your problem.

Twenty‐three thousand,
going once.

Twenty‐three thousand,
going twice.

Twenty‐four thousand!

’Twenty‐four thousand.
Do I hear twenty‐five?’

Do I hear twenty‐five?

Oh, no, no.
Excuse me, I wasn’t‐‐

Oh, Leo.

For me.

[chuckles]
Well...

‐Of course, my dear.
‐’Twenty‐four thousand.’

Alright, Balki,
stay very, very still.

Twenty‐four thousand
going once, going twice...

Sold for $24,000.

Yes! Yes!

Our next item is this


‐Cousin, can I move now?
‐Yes.

Shall we open the bidding
at thirty‐two thousand?

Thirty‐two thousand.
Thirty‐three thousand!

Thirty‐four,
thirty‐five...

Thirty‐six thousand!

Thirty‐seven thousand dollars!

Thirty‐eight thous...

Thirty‐nine thousand...

Forty‐thousand dollars!

[instrumental music]

How’d it go, Larry?

Well, we sold the wine
for $24,000.

But you only paid $21,000.

That means you made...

...a lot of money!

Well, we had to pay some,
uh, hidden costs in commissions

so we really didn’t end up
with very much.

And Balki saw something
he couldn’t live without.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]